Mom Says Parents Should Let Their Kids Do Things That Mean A Lot To Them Even If They Don’t Seem Like A Big Deal, 20 Parents Respond
Remember that old yet great Jim Carrey movie “Yes Man”? Well, the one where the main character promises to say “Yes” to all questions and agree with everyone, and the way his life changes for the better after this particular decision?
We don’t know if all parents have watched this film, but it often turns out that when small kids ask their parents for something – no, not gifts, but simply come to them with some idea, they often receive a “No” in response. Maybe the parents just have no time, or probably they don’t think the toddler’s idea is worth considering. But is it right?
American journalist Lucy Huber decided it was wrong, especially when her two-year-old son one day asked his mother to take his Hot Wheels ramp into the bath with him. “Why not?”: Mom thought – and agreed. We must say, everyone was delighted, and a tweet about this, written by Lucy, collected more than 216.4K likes and 9.1k enthusiastic retweets as well.
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The original poster decided to agree with her toddler’s ideas, even if they seem a bit weird
Image credits: Julie Girard (not the actual photo)
The author of one of the retweets wrote to Lucy that she also tries to say “Yes” to her teenagers. This actually makes her ex-husband angry, because, on the contrary, he constantly says “No”, thereby starting a constant negotiating process with his children.
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Image credits: clhubes
In fact, the idea of agreeing to many, sometimes even the strangest, kids’ requests is far from new. It is part of the concept of gentle parenting, which is now very popular all over the world. Bored Panda has written about this concept before, talking about the amazing success that parents have with practicing it.
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Major words to describe the gentle parenting concept are empathy, understanding, and respect
Sarah Ockwell-Smith, parenting expert and the author of The Gentle Parenting Book, first published in 2016, sums up gentle parenting in three basic words: empathy, understanding, and respect. Actually encouraging a partnership between the parent and the child is the main goal of Sarah’s approach.
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Indeed, toddler time is perhaps the most important in terms of developing a child’s creativity. And why not limit it to different ideas? For example, one of the tweeters in a thread started by Lucy Huber admits to agreeing with many of her little nephew’s ideas, saying that he came up with a great plan.
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Saying “no” to small kids can, in fact, often negatively affect them
“When we say ‘No’ to a small child, it often negatively affects them,” says Irina Matveeva, Ukrainian psychologist and certified NLP specialist who Bored Panda contacted for comments. “If an adult can logically explain the reason for almost any refusal, then the toddler may well perceive that they are being refused because they’re either bad or doing something wrong.”
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“Some parents and teachers believe that agreeing with the child in everything means spoiling them. Of course, there is such a risk, so it is important to stay on the edge, not fall into coaxing the kid,” says Irina. “But in any case, don’t be afraid to approve of their ideas – when they grow up, they will perfectly learn to restrain themselves when it’s important. For now, you just develop their creativity. And if the child offers something outstandingly weird – yes, it happens too, maybe just try to switch their attention to something no less interesting.”
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Image credits: Nora’s Photo (not the actual photo)
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People in the comments really admire the OP’s advice – even those who hate parenting advice
“I hate most parenting advice, but this one is huge for me. When you can, say yes,” writes Romper journalist Megan St-Esprit, who also retweeted the original post. Indeed, one of the best ways to find rapport with a child is to agree with them, or better yet, share the adventure together.
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We’re pretty sure you too have your own opinion on gentle parenting, or better yet, your story of how you said “Yes” to your kids and what came of it. We’d love to hear from you, so feel free to say “Yes” to our call to comment on this post!
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When I was a kid I brought home a praying mantis and asked if I could keep it as a pet. Because my parents said 'why not?' I now (8 years later) raise and breed exotic praying mantids, own two snakes, two geckos, two Dart frogs, and a tarantula, and have found my passion for biology, which is the career I want to go into.
My 6 year old daughter may be starting on that honorable path. She is now keeping three snails and three pill bugs as pets. I wonder what form this passion will take as she grows.
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As they get older, add in "What could go wrong?" and "How much will that cost?" and give them a voice in the decision making process. As kids we were allowed to save our money and buy almost anything with it. I don't remember ever getting a 'No'. I think my brother got a no when he wanted to save up for an air gun when he was 8, and then my dad ended up buying one for us all to use for supervised target shooting. We had a family entertainment budget we could 'save' and use for family trips to amusement parks and Pizza Hut. We also got a clothing allowance in our teens - parents paid school uniform and one 'dressed up' and one 'smart casual' outfit they approved, (so they could be sure we had appropriate options for weddings, church etc) the rest of our clothing we chose and paid for out of our clothing allowance. Making choices, including bad choices, and experiencing the consequences, and learning from them, is an important part of growing up.
My mom wouldn't say no. She would say let me think about it. Most of the time it was no. But if I came with a plan I'd likely get a yes. Can I go to the mall? (Prob a no because she thinks she would have to drive, give me money, either go home then come back when I was done or hang around wasting her day til I got done.) Can I go to the mall, I got some money saved up and was going to get a ride with x and her mom, and she's getting y, then we would get picked back up by y's mom. I can be home by dinner or eat at the mall? There's a plan and I'm with two parents and two kids and have my own money. That usually got a yes.
I do this too, but to the point of unhealthiness. "Mom, can I go to the mall?" "Sure, but only if you tell me your plan." She's a good mom. I'm just an anxious wreck who hates surprises and changes in routine.
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Remember that one lady on twitter whose 2 year old wanted to take a bath with a strawberry? Just a single strawberry floating in the tub. It made the kid ecstatically happy. Such little things can be such a big deal. 😋
Sorry, I kind of got stuck on the pic of the one kid reading in a sleeping bag suit. Is that person saying that this is something that most parents would say 'no' to? Like the kid is doing something wrong? In what kind of household does a kid need permission for this? You know what this picture feels like it's saying to me? It's not actually agreeing or disagreeing with the original post because it has nothing really to do with it. It seems like more of an oportunity to mock their own child on social media... for being a kid in the privacy of their own house. More like an unearned humble-brag. I realize this is off-topic for an article about such a wholesome message, which I guess is why the image stuck out to me. I think maybe I'm being triggered because I know people like this, and this is actually a bit of a red flag
If you want a semi point of reference my mother once had to chew out my grandparents because they yelled at me for reading on a road trip. Apparently I was supposed to be fascinated by all 6 hours of pine trees and fields. Mom was not pleased at them discouraging her child from reading.
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I always indulged my kids' requests and got down in the floor to play with them. Today as adults they thank me for being such a great mom and say they're childhood was magical.
Kids want to know what will happen if they do this or that. Let them find out. Don't pad all of life's corners or your child will not know how to handle obstacles, physical and mental.
Such a great post!! All wonderful points!! Pick your battles, absolutely. If no one is getting hurt and it isn't destroying anything, let it ride and see what happens. I love it!!
Bottom line is this advice says to treat your kids like they are human. What a though?!?!? I am gen x and my parents were to busy to actually parent me so when I had my kid I decided I would be an active parent and the number of times I have listened to my kid and done the things she wanted is numerous. She is 15 now and a pretty awesome human being. I am proud of her. I married a man with two kids and he parents the same. All three of our kids know they are seen as human beings w/boundaries, just like us and they are pretty well adjusted! It's not that hard.... listen to your kids and guide them to understand that those silly little things are what life is about!!!!
My son wanted heartshaped sunglasses. So yesterday we picked out a very beautiful blue one with a lot of glitters and he is rocking it!
Yes! Me too! Want to wear hot pink mumu with plastic heels from the dress up box, and carry a ridiculous purse to carry bugs and worms in- as long as we are being good to the creatures and let them go every night before bed, so their mommy won't worry about them lol my 3 year old wanted to play with his hot wheels in the dirt- totally normal. We don't have a decent yard so he thought pots of dirt (that had seeds, not spouted yet) would make a wonderful dirt track. On my bedroom floor. Next to my bed. And did the same with huge pot of seeds planted in the living room. I check on him and see a happy lil dude playing in some dirt, growing his imagination, and couldn't even get mad really... Tried to compromise by keeping the dirt in huge tote instead. He complies but randomly little dumptrucks have dumped tiny piles of dirt thru the house lol! The first few months of lockdown I'd given him a huge thing of rice to dig and play in. That got spread everywhere thru our home also.... I had my kids 20 years apart, and my late in life baby is so fun, such a joy. But I don't have c**p for energy anymore, though I have all patience in world now.... As a young child, my "old soul" daughter would say the most profound things, I loved our years together.
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I had an opposite philosophy from my parents. We’d ask my mother if we could do something and she would say ask your father which we knew was code for no. My Dad always said no. I was a stay at home Dad and I said yes to everything. Pull every thing out to the cabinets and build tall buildings out of them yes. Empty all the ingredients like cake and macaroni and cheese and peanut butter in a secret recipe and pretend it was delicious, why not? We would absolutely trash the house but clean it up in a hurry before mom came home so we could keep our adventures a secret. We called it getting into a good trouble. When my daughter was about 12 we visited her grandparents in Florida and they had a golf cart we’d drive to the pool. Kids weren’t supposed to drive but once we got out of grandpa’s eyesight I showed her how to drive safely and she loved it. Recently she bought a Tesla which she said was easy for her to drive because she remembered how to do no brake one foot driving because it operated just like the old elected golf cart.
My son learned early, if you don't ask the answer is always no. He asked a lot. One of his favorite things was playing chef with our geraniums. He would stir the plant leaves and take some leaves and flowers and make a salad. And yes, they are edible as long as you don't use weed sprays or other chemicals on them.
This is very true. Why say no if it's not harming themselves or others? And this does affect creativity on all levels. My parents said no to everything, ideas and things including books. Even though I have been told I'm highly intelligent i have no creativity whatsoever and it has impacted having a better job because all jobs require some sort of creative ability. Not just in artsy way, but being able to come up with solutions and ideas.
It might still be something you can work on. There are YouTube vids on training the imagination and books you could read. Maybe even by exploring crafts or something. I'm learning various ones right now as I have neglected that side of myself. It isn't something I find easy either, for similar reasons. You never know...
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Not a parent so my story is related to interacting with the children of family and friends. When in the moment of play time I would always try to get down on their level and just go with what they came up with. My only adult responsibility during these moments was to make sure they stayed safe so being able to shut off my adult cynicism allowed me to see and enjoy the fun and wonder of the world as they saw it.
Absolutely a great way to approach life with a partner. I had a daycare and 12 little ones would often go racing around the porch in cars or just running. The rule was they could run as much of they wanted, they just couldn't bump into each other. Work like a charm.
The only thing I refused was having rodents as pets. Son was 3 or 4 and wanted to paint. Put him in a swim suit and let him go to town in the tub (all tile). He had a blast. Play doh? Old shower curtain on kitchen floor. Want to play with kitchen stuff? Made a lower cabinet full of things they could pull out and play with. The hardest was letting daughter wear what she wanted when we were going out. But it made her so happy.
My 16yo just randomly thanked me for this behavior not even a week ago. I was flopped on my bed reading an article before going to sleep when he walked into my room sat down at my desk and looked me in the eye and said "Thank you for always supporting me, even with the dumbest ideas, even when you always knew that it would become anything, no matter what it is, I know I can count on you to support me in what I want to do and I don't know any other kid my age that can say that." then stood up and walked out of my room like he didn't just drop a heavy comment.
Yea i had one parent that basically always said no, and one parent that sometimes said yes but mostly no. I normally went to the one that sometimes said yes to ask something, but I was always crossing my fingers for luck behind my back. I'm definitely more closer to the one that said yes sometimes. I wouldn't say I'm close to the other one really at all, as he always carried around a negative energy and would always complain about every little thing. My mum did too, but no to the extent he did.
It's wild that this is a big shift in thought for people. My mom always had a clear set of priorities about safety and health and morality. As long as I followed that who cares what I do lol. To think parents are actually micromanaging kids by saying no to the most harmless things for the sake of saying no is a shame. I hope my kid doesn't even feel the need to ask me for permission for harmless things and can practice their judgment.
My babies are 24 and 20; I still agree to their ideas to continue with my faith in them... so now it's nachos or a sorry Chaifrom Dutch Bros, but at least they know I still have their backs!!
The ONLY reason parents would say no to the above mentions, is because they are lazy or they have no interest in allowing their children to learn and use their imagination! Oh. Yeah...or smile. I've always been the "water fight!!" In the house. "Food fight!!" So was my mom. It was great! My kids now 19 &16 are SUPER close and always 100% honest. About some crazy stuff too! I'd have it no other way!
The other good thing about this is that when I say no, they might be unhappy, but know there is a good reason for it.
This topic and article are interesting because of the many unstated assumptions both in the premise of the parenting "technique" and the comments. My kids are all adults and several have their own children, so it has been a while since they were little, and perhaps I am not remembering all the details. My recollection is that they didn't feel like they needed to ask permission to do a lot of the things that were used as examples of where permission was granted. All I could think was "how had they been raised to think that required permission." I do know my "saying" to my kids was "if you have to ask, the answer is no." If they ever asked something that was not not dangerous, illegal, harmful to others, etc., I would ask why they felt they needed permission, which lead to a few really good discussions. But, if this "say yes to their ideas" is a help, go with it. It sounds good. Hopefully your youngster eventually learns to make decisions without needing others to first approve.
I don't have kids, I'm 30y.o. but I get some crazy ideas myself, like last month it was raining so hard that a water stream was forming down the street and I just decided I wanted to go out and stand in the flowing water, rain still pouring, no umbrella, barefoot, eating Doritos and watching my dog run around like crazy. Obviously a police car stopped by and asked if I was OK, I just said "Wonderful! :D". Good lord I miss being a little kid.
I'm probably not a great parent due to layers of trauma but... I have been criticized a lot for letting my kids sleep in whatever they want to, eat what's considered non-breakfast foods for breakfast, wear jeans and cowboy boots everywhere in the summer when others felt my son was too hot, let my daughter wear boys clothes so she'd stopped being manhandled by her classmates (boys will be boys, said the teachers, etc).. Stuff like that. If my son prefers to wear jeans to bed, why shouldn't he? If the kids want spaghetti at 7 am, what's wrong with that?!
Maybe this is why I never had kids having meltdowns. They accepted my no because they knew that I also said yes and was fair in my yes and no answers.
Another thing my mom taught me was the value of things. Example: school clothes shopping as a preteen I wanted designer jeans. She said ok but we can only afford 1 pair, now, if we take that money and go to the thrift store I could get 5 or 6 pairs of jeans and new shirts too! This could be why I never cared about clothing brands or what's in style ect. I wore what I liked and picked out for myself. And I still love thrift store shopping!
I have always felt toddlers are the best people alive, followed closely by those between 85 and 100 years old. When my oldest was tiny my dad told me pick 2 or 3 things that matter that you will not Can not budge on, everything else, (so long as there won't be emergency room trips that come from it) let it go and say yes as often as practical.
I worked in the furniture business for about 15 years and always swore I’d get sturdy furniture when I had a child. That’s what I did. Our couch is a jungle gym, balance beam, fort, launching pad, island when the floor is lava, boat, and couch. I’ve even had other parents fuss at him in our own house for climbing and jumping on it and from it, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Don’t worry, I let the parents know that he’s following our rules.
Hot summer day... suddenly it start to rain heavily. Two children ran excitedly outside and lay down on the lawn...eyes closed with a bright smile. The grandmother was shocked and discussed with the mother, how wrong that was, etc. The mother of the two children then took her mother's hand, pulled her outside and told her to do the same as the children. She did so under protest. After only few seconds, she understood why the children looked so happy!
Some people don't notice who you are and you just have to do your own thing... But the less control you have over your life, the less ability you have to "do your own thing," and the more you are judged harshly for something harmless - the more frustrating it is. People really do have off ideas sometimes, so it's not like you never have to draw a line or say expectations ... But yeah there's a lot that's just play and curiosity that should and can be allowed or even encouraged.
I purposefully went straight to the comments. Support anything your child loves even if you don't think it will benefit them. I'm now 30 and have absolutely no hobbies because I was told art drama and anything creative was a waste. I'm trying to relight that fire, but it is incredibly difficult because my parents told me I was wasting my time with fantasies...
My kids are adults and they have 2 other 1/2 adult siblings, a brother and a sister. The sister has a toddler boy that they use the gentle parenting method on. It is not effective. He is a raging brat that no one can stand to be around. Instead of saying no, she re-directs him which PISSES him off. He stomps and immediately starts this, shrill, piercing screech that goes right through your soul. He spent the entire Thanksgiving of last year serenading everyone with this bs. There's a difference between sharing nature with your child like MantisGirl15, or having park adventures with their toys or maybe just having a within reason "yes day". Never telling your child no is setting them up to fail at life and for everyone around them and you to secretly hate you both and talk about you after you leave. From here on out you will only be invited to events that your family and friends absolutely cannot get out of inviting you to.
That's not gentle parenting - that's just refusing to parent. With gentle parenting, you say no plenty of times - you just don't say no when there's no good reason to.
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My daughter recently said twice something like: "I think you will say no, but can I...?" Hmmm, maybe I say no a bit too often. So I think this is a goal for me, to say yes to more of her plans and dive into the deep. That's hard for someone who doesn't like surprises and the unsuspected, but I think it's worth the try. I must say I did say yes the last time she wanted to go swimming. I don't really like public swimming pools, but I did like that she had so much fun and enjoyed being there with me.
If I hadn't been mocked as a child for the small things I liked maybe I wouldn't have turned out to be a perfectionist, people pleaser with OCD and severe anxiety LOL
Helps for overcoming the fear of "looking silly" too. My dad (a grandpa) won't play a pretend phone game with my niece and nephew because he doesn't want to look silly. Meanwhile, I'll happily wear awkward nail polish and a colorful hair braid because my niece wanted to play dress up. Seeing her happy is worth it.
2 weeks ago me and my 2 year old were walking the dog and he picked up a small rock, i asked him do you want to keep it and he said yes. So now i walk around with my bag filled with my stuff and rocks. Oh how i love to be a mom! ❤️
I'm 40 and really can't remember if I had "yes parents" or "no parents". I didn't really have friends growing up. I remember watching a lot of TV and playing video games. I read once in a while. I really can't remember asking my parents stuff and getting what answer I got regularly. I just remember "maybe" normally meant "yes" and "we'll see" normally meant "no". Also my dad was notorious for answering w/ "wrong parent". Even knowing my mom wouldn't be home for another couple of hours.
This makes me guilty for saying no so often. But my 8 y/o asks things like "can i have an egg but i can't tell you why." And "what happened if you put a crayon up your butt? Do you fart purple?" Then i suspiciously count the crayons and put them up.
Well I said yes, and ended up with trick or treating in July . They dressed up and went room to room. It was too hot to play outside. Lol
When I was a kid I brought home a praying mantis and asked if I could keep it as a pet. Because my parents said 'why not?' I now (8 years later) raise and breed exotic praying mantids, own two snakes, two geckos, two Dart frogs, and a tarantula, and have found my passion for biology, which is the career I want to go into.
My 6 year old daughter may be starting on that honorable path. She is now keeping three snails and three pill bugs as pets. I wonder what form this passion will take as she grows.
Load More Replies... As they get older, add in "What could go wrong?" and "How much will that cost?" and give them a voice in the decision making process. As kids we were allowed to save our money and buy almost anything with it. I don't remember ever getting a 'No'. I think my brother got a no when he wanted to save up for an air gun when he was 8, and then my dad ended up buying one for us all to use for supervised target shooting. We had a family entertainment budget we could 'save' and use for family trips to amusement parks and Pizza Hut. We also got a clothing allowance in our teens - parents paid school uniform and one 'dressed up' and one 'smart casual' outfit they approved, (so they could be sure we had appropriate options for weddings, church etc) the rest of our clothing we chose and paid for out of our clothing allowance. Making choices, including bad choices, and experiencing the consequences, and learning from them, is an important part of growing up.
My mom wouldn't say no. She would say let me think about it. Most of the time it was no. But if I came with a plan I'd likely get a yes. Can I go to the mall? (Prob a no because she thinks she would have to drive, give me money, either go home then come back when I was done or hang around wasting her day til I got done.) Can I go to the mall, I got some money saved up and was going to get a ride with x and her mom, and she's getting y, then we would get picked back up by y's mom. I can be home by dinner or eat at the mall? There's a plan and I'm with two parents and two kids and have my own money. That usually got a yes.
I do this too, but to the point of unhealthiness. "Mom, can I go to the mall?" "Sure, but only if you tell me your plan." She's a good mom. I'm just an anxious wreck who hates surprises and changes in routine.
Load More Replies... Remember that one lady on twitter whose 2 year old wanted to take a bath with a strawberry? Just a single strawberry floating in the tub. It made the kid ecstatically happy. Such little things can be such a big deal. 😋
Sorry, I kind of got stuck on the pic of the one kid reading in a sleeping bag suit. Is that person saying that this is something that most parents would say 'no' to? Like the kid is doing something wrong? In what kind of household does a kid need permission for this? You know what this picture feels like it's saying to me? It's not actually agreeing or disagreeing with the original post because it has nothing really to do with it. It seems like more of an oportunity to mock their own child on social media... for being a kid in the privacy of their own house. More like an unearned humble-brag. I realize this is off-topic for an article about such a wholesome message, which I guess is why the image stuck out to me. I think maybe I'm being triggered because I know people like this, and this is actually a bit of a red flag
If you want a semi point of reference my mother once had to chew out my grandparents because they yelled at me for reading on a road trip. Apparently I was supposed to be fascinated by all 6 hours of pine trees and fields. Mom was not pleased at them discouraging her child from reading.
Load More Replies... I always indulged my kids' requests and got down in the floor to play with them. Today as adults they thank me for being such a great mom and say they're childhood was magical.
Kids want to know what will happen if they do this or that. Let them find out. Don't pad all of life's corners or your child will not know how to handle obstacles, physical and mental.
Such a great post!! All wonderful points!! Pick your battles, absolutely. If no one is getting hurt and it isn't destroying anything, let it ride and see what happens. I love it!!
Bottom line is this advice says to treat your kids like they are human. What a though?!?!? I am gen x and my parents were to busy to actually parent me so when I had my kid I decided I would be an active parent and the number of times I have listened to my kid and done the things she wanted is numerous. She is 15 now and a pretty awesome human being. I am proud of her. I married a man with two kids and he parents the same. All three of our kids know they are seen as human beings w/boundaries, just like us and they are pretty well adjusted! It's not that hard.... listen to your kids and guide them to understand that those silly little things are what life is about!!!!
My son wanted heartshaped sunglasses. So yesterday we picked out a very beautiful blue one with a lot of glitters and he is rocking it!
Yes! Me too! Want to wear hot pink mumu with plastic heels from the dress up box, and carry a ridiculous purse to carry bugs and worms in- as long as we are being good to the creatures and let them go every night before bed, so their mommy won't worry about them lol my 3 year old wanted to play with his hot wheels in the dirt- totally normal. We don't have a decent yard so he thought pots of dirt (that had seeds, not spouted yet) would make a wonderful dirt track. On my bedroom floor. Next to my bed. And did the same with huge pot of seeds planted in the living room. I check on him and see a happy lil dude playing in some dirt, growing his imagination, and couldn't even get mad really... Tried to compromise by keeping the dirt in huge tote instead. He complies but randomly little dumptrucks have dumped tiny piles of dirt thru the house lol! The first few months of lockdown I'd given him a huge thing of rice to dig and play in. That got spread everywhere thru our home also.... I had my kids 20 years apart, and my late in life baby is so fun, such a joy. But I don't have c**p for energy anymore, though I have all patience in world now.... As a young child, my "old soul" daughter would say the most profound things, I loved our years together.
Load More Replies... I had an opposite philosophy from my parents. We’d ask my mother if we could do something and she would say ask your father which we knew was code for no. My Dad always said no. I was a stay at home Dad and I said yes to everything. Pull every thing out to the cabinets and build tall buildings out of them yes. Empty all the ingredients like cake and macaroni and cheese and peanut butter in a secret recipe and pretend it was delicious, why not? We would absolutely trash the house but clean it up in a hurry before mom came home so we could keep our adventures a secret. We called it getting into a good trouble. When my daughter was about 12 we visited her grandparents in Florida and they had a golf cart we’d drive to the pool. Kids weren’t supposed to drive but once we got out of grandpa’s eyesight I showed her how to drive safely and she loved it. Recently she bought a Tesla which she said was easy for her to drive because she remembered how to do no brake one foot driving because it operated just like the old elected golf cart.
My son learned early, if you don't ask the answer is always no. He asked a lot. One of his favorite things was playing chef with our geraniums. He would stir the plant leaves and take some leaves and flowers and make a salad. And yes, they are edible as long as you don't use weed sprays or other chemicals on them.
This is very true. Why say no if it's not harming themselves or others? And this does affect creativity on all levels. My parents said no to everything, ideas and things including books. Even though I have been told I'm highly intelligent i have no creativity whatsoever and it has impacted having a better job because all jobs require some sort of creative ability. Not just in artsy way, but being able to come up with solutions and ideas.
It might still be something you can work on. There are YouTube vids on training the imagination and books you could read. Maybe even by exploring crafts or something. I'm learning various ones right now as I have neglected that side of myself. It isn't something I find easy either, for similar reasons. You never know...
Load More Replies... Not a parent so my story is related to interacting with the children of family and friends. When in the moment of play time I would always try to get down on their level and just go with what they came up with. My only adult responsibility during these moments was to make sure they stayed safe so being able to shut off my adult cynicism allowed me to see and enjoy the fun and wonder of the world as they saw it.
Absolutely a great way to approach life with a partner. I had a daycare and 12 little ones would often go racing around the porch in cars or just running. The rule was they could run as much of they wanted, they just couldn't bump into each other. Work like a charm.
The only thing I refused was having rodents as pets. Son was 3 or 4 and wanted to paint. Put him in a swim suit and let him go to town in the tub (all tile). He had a blast. Play doh? Old shower curtain on kitchen floor. Want to play with kitchen stuff? Made a lower cabinet full of things they could pull out and play with. The hardest was letting daughter wear what she wanted when we were going out. But it made her so happy.
My 16yo just randomly thanked me for this behavior not even a week ago. I was flopped on my bed reading an article before going to sleep when he walked into my room sat down at my desk and looked me in the eye and said "Thank you for always supporting me, even with the dumbest ideas, even when you always knew that it would become anything, no matter what it is, I know I can count on you to support me in what I want to do and I don't know any other kid my age that can say that." then stood up and walked out of my room like he didn't just drop a heavy comment.
Yea i had one parent that basically always said no, and one parent that sometimes said yes but mostly no. I normally went to the one that sometimes said yes to ask something, but I was always crossing my fingers for luck behind my back. I'm definitely more closer to the one that said yes sometimes. I wouldn't say I'm close to the other one really at all, as he always carried around a negative energy and would always complain about every little thing. My mum did too, but no to the extent he did.
It's wild that this is a big shift in thought for people. My mom always had a clear set of priorities about safety and health and morality. As long as I followed that who cares what I do lol. To think parents are actually micromanaging kids by saying no to the most harmless things for the sake of saying no is a shame. I hope my kid doesn't even feel the need to ask me for permission for harmless things and can practice their judgment.
My babies are 24 and 20; I still agree to their ideas to continue with my faith in them... so now it's nachos or a sorry Chaifrom Dutch Bros, but at least they know I still have their backs!!
The ONLY reason parents would say no to the above mentions, is because they are lazy or they have no interest in allowing their children to learn and use their imagination! Oh. Yeah...or smile. I've always been the "water fight!!" In the house. "Food fight!!" So was my mom. It was great! My kids now 19 &16 are SUPER close and always 100% honest. About some crazy stuff too! I'd have it no other way!
The other good thing about this is that when I say no, they might be unhappy, but know there is a good reason for it.
This topic and article are interesting because of the many unstated assumptions both in the premise of the parenting "technique" and the comments. My kids are all adults and several have their own children, so it has been a while since they were little, and perhaps I am not remembering all the details. My recollection is that they didn't feel like they needed to ask permission to do a lot of the things that were used as examples of where permission was granted. All I could think was "how had they been raised to think that required permission." I do know my "saying" to my kids was "if you have to ask, the answer is no." If they ever asked something that was not not dangerous, illegal, harmful to others, etc., I would ask why they felt they needed permission, which lead to a few really good discussions. But, if this "say yes to their ideas" is a help, go with it. It sounds good. Hopefully your youngster eventually learns to make decisions without needing others to first approve.
I don't have kids, I'm 30y.o. but I get some crazy ideas myself, like last month it was raining so hard that a water stream was forming down the street and I just decided I wanted to go out and stand in the flowing water, rain still pouring, no umbrella, barefoot, eating Doritos and watching my dog run around like crazy. Obviously a police car stopped by and asked if I was OK, I just said "Wonderful! :D". Good lord I miss being a little kid.
I'm probably not a great parent due to layers of trauma but... I have been criticized a lot for letting my kids sleep in whatever they want to, eat what's considered non-breakfast foods for breakfast, wear jeans and cowboy boots everywhere in the summer when others felt my son was too hot, let my daughter wear boys clothes so she'd stopped being manhandled by her classmates (boys will be boys, said the teachers, etc).. Stuff like that. If my son prefers to wear jeans to bed, why shouldn't he? If the kids want spaghetti at 7 am, what's wrong with that?!
Maybe this is why I never had kids having meltdowns. They accepted my no because they knew that I also said yes and was fair in my yes and no answers.
Another thing my mom taught me was the value of things. Example: school clothes shopping as a preteen I wanted designer jeans. She said ok but we can only afford 1 pair, now, if we take that money and go to the thrift store I could get 5 or 6 pairs of jeans and new shirts too! This could be why I never cared about clothing brands or what's in style ect. I wore what I liked and picked out for myself. And I still love thrift store shopping!
I have always felt toddlers are the best people alive, followed closely by those between 85 and 100 years old. When my oldest was tiny my dad told me pick 2 or 3 things that matter that you will not Can not budge on, everything else, (so long as there won't be emergency room trips that come from it) let it go and say yes as often as practical.
I worked in the furniture business for about 15 years and always swore I’d get sturdy furniture when I had a child. That’s what I did. Our couch is a jungle gym, balance beam, fort, launching pad, island when the floor is lava, boat, and couch. I’ve even had other parents fuss at him in our own house for climbing and jumping on it and from it, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Don’t worry, I let the parents know that he’s following our rules.
Hot summer day... suddenly it start to rain heavily. Two children ran excitedly outside and lay down on the lawn...eyes closed with a bright smile. The grandmother was shocked and discussed with the mother, how wrong that was, etc. The mother of the two children then took her mother's hand, pulled her outside and told her to do the same as the children. She did so under protest. After only few seconds, she understood why the children looked so happy!
Some people don't notice who you are and you just have to do your own thing... But the less control you have over your life, the less ability you have to "do your own thing," and the more you are judged harshly for something harmless - the more frustrating it is. People really do have off ideas sometimes, so it's not like you never have to draw a line or say expectations ... But yeah there's a lot that's just play and curiosity that should and can be allowed or even encouraged.
I purposefully went straight to the comments. Support anything your child loves even if you don't think it will benefit them. I'm now 30 and have absolutely no hobbies because I was told art drama and anything creative was a waste. I'm trying to relight that fire, but it is incredibly difficult because my parents told me I was wasting my time with fantasies...
My kids are adults and they have 2 other 1/2 adult siblings, a brother and a sister. The sister has a toddler boy that they use the gentle parenting method on. It is not effective. He is a raging brat that no one can stand to be around. Instead of saying no, she re-directs him which PISSES him off. He stomps and immediately starts this, shrill, piercing screech that goes right through your soul. He spent the entire Thanksgiving of last year serenading everyone with this bs. There's a difference between sharing nature with your child like MantisGirl15, or having park adventures with their toys or maybe just having a within reason "yes day". Never telling your child no is setting them up to fail at life and for everyone around them and you to secretly hate you both and talk about you after you leave. From here on out you will only be invited to events that your family and friends absolutely cannot get out of inviting you to.
That's not gentle parenting - that's just refusing to parent. With gentle parenting, you say no plenty of times - you just don't say no when there's no good reason to.
Load More Replies... My daughter recently said twice something like: "I think you will say no, but can I...?" Hmmm, maybe I say no a bit too often. So I think this is a goal for me, to say yes to more of her plans and dive into the deep. That's hard for someone who doesn't like surprises and the unsuspected, but I think it's worth the try. I must say I did say yes the last time she wanted to go swimming. I don't really like public swimming pools, but I did like that she had so much fun and enjoyed being there with me.
If I hadn't been mocked as a child for the small things I liked maybe I wouldn't have turned out to be a perfectionist, people pleaser with OCD and severe anxiety LOL
Helps for overcoming the fear of "looking silly" too. My dad (a grandpa) won't play a pretend phone game with my niece and nephew because he doesn't want to look silly. Meanwhile, I'll happily wear awkward nail polish and a colorful hair braid because my niece wanted to play dress up. Seeing her happy is worth it.
2 weeks ago me and my 2 year old were walking the dog and he picked up a small rock, i asked him do you want to keep it and he said yes. So now i walk around with my bag filled with my stuff and rocks. Oh how i love to be a mom! ❤️
I'm 40 and really can't remember if I had "yes parents" or "no parents". I didn't really have friends growing up. I remember watching a lot of TV and playing video games. I read once in a while. I really can't remember asking my parents stuff and getting what answer I got regularly. I just remember "maybe" normally meant "yes" and "we'll see" normally meant "no". Also my dad was notorious for answering w/ "wrong parent". Even knowing my mom wouldn't be home for another couple of hours.
This makes me guilty for saying no so often. But my 8 y/o asks things like "can i have an egg but i can't tell you why." And "what happened if you put a crayon up your butt? Do you fart purple?" Then i suspiciously count the crayons and put them up.
Well I said yes, and ended up with trick or treating in July . They dressed up and went room to room. It was too hot to play outside. Lol
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