Mom Goes Viral With Nearly 400K Likes For Explaining Why Some Kids Don’t Listen Until You Yell At Them
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Kids can definitely push the boundaries by misbehaving and just ignoring their parent as they are being told off. For some miraculous reason, their attention is impossible to get until parents eventually lose it and bring in the top gun—yelling. But this parenting coach is saying that there is no need to yell and that there is another way to get them to comply.
Tia Slighthman, who goes under the name of @parentingcoach on TikTok, shared a video that exploded with views, comments, and likes. And not only does she explain why kids tend not to listen, she explains how can you change that and save your precious nerves. Bored Panda reached out to Tia to talk about her advice and methodology.
More info: TikTok | Instagram | Tia Slightham
Tia, a parenting coach and a mother of two, asked a question that perhaps not many parents have considered before
Image credits: parentingcoach
Tia, who is a parenting coach, teacher, best-selling author, and avid health food lover, decided to share why children only listen when they are being yelled at. The mother of two boys revealed that the way of getting your child to comply is learning how to set “concrete, clear, and consistent boundaries.” The mom in the video that already got over five million views asked “Do you want to know why your kids don’t listen until you yell and lose your sh*t?” and her answer could be shocking for some: apparently parents are the ones setting that boundary themselves. Tia is practicing what she preaches. “I’ve been working with kids and families for over 16 years. I’ve used my system and easier parenting formula in my classroom of students, with my own kids, and thousands of parents (clients) around the world.”
Turns out that no one else is behind setting the yelling boundary but parents themselves
Image credits: parentingcoach
Her advice is to start practicing a strategy that doesn’t involve yelling. Tia says that kids are born with the need to push boundaries until those boundaries are actually found. It is common for some parents to ask nicely, then give reminders, then carry on nagging, which eventually leads to losing their temper and shouting. The kids learn that there is no need to listen the first time or even when the parent asks multiple times. The point that they have learned is that the boundary is set at the point when the parent starts to yell. “They listen when a boundary is set and that boundary is set when you yell.”
Image credits: parentingcoach
Kids learn which boundary is the final line; therefore, the first times being asked get ignored
Image credits: parentingcoach
Tia claims that the only way to break this cycle that gradually leads from saying things nicely to yelling is by learning how to set concrete, clear, and consistent boundaries that make the kids do what the parent needs without yelling. Tia has a masters in early childhood education and is certified in positive discipline. She also created a 12-week online coaching program, The Parenting With Purpose Method. “It is my methodology which guides parents to create battle-free days with their kids. No yelling, anger, punishment or guilt! Finally having kids who listen, cooperate, and act respectfully in a non-combative way!” She also noted that “The Parenting With Purpose Method will work for all parents but we can’t implement just one piece of the puzzle—we must consider all the pieces to reach your goals.”
Image credits: parentingcoach
Tia advises parents to learn how to set or re-set the existing boundaries
Image credits: parentingcoach
Tia emphasizes that “shifting your parenting to shift your child’s behavior” is the key to change the dynamics of how kids behave. On her website, she admits that some of her parenting coaching clients feel tired and hopeless, but reminds readers that “setting boundaries is not intuitive, loving your kids is.” But things are not as bad as they seemed to be, as setting boundaries is actually a learned skill, so once the parent takes the step in learning how to set clear limits, it turns out to be much easier from there.
Image credits: parentingcoach
“Parents who want to make changes need a clear and proven action plan, along with support and accountability. This is what The Parenting With Purpose Method and my coaching will do for you! Change happens when you’re ready to make the changes!”
Many of the parents overloaded the comment section, thanking Tia for sharing her advice. Some have already been using the tip of setting boundaries and have given it to others. Some users even admit to being former yellers who were saved by the limit-setting parenting advice.
Here is the video that exploded with millions of views, likes and comments
@parentingcoachWant to know why kids only listen when you yell or lose your shit? ##yellingmom ##momfrustration ##parentinghelp ##positiveparenting ##parentingcoach ##moms♬ Beautiful, winter, calming piano corporate(901421) – SK MUSIC
Video credits: parentingcoach
And here are some of the generous comments shared by people online
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So it makes sense that kids wait until you yell to do it... but I really don't understand what she is suggesting is the alternative.
Say 'no' or ask them to do something, make it clear what happens if they don't comply, and then, if they don't comply, enforce the consequence you previously announced. That simple. Don't say 'clean your room or you can't have timmy over this afternoon' and the still let them have timmy over this afternoon even though they didn't clean their room despite the fact that you reminded them three times.
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Parenting is love, reliability, and consistency. As easy as this. And as hard as the third point, as, in all honesty, we adults have a hard time being consistent despite mood swings, lack of sleep, external pressure, and self-doubt.
Also, as someone who was yelled at constantly by her mother, you tune it out after a while. If all a child hears is yelling, then they will get used to it the same as people that live near airports eventually are able to sleep even though planes fly low over the house. On the other hand, if you use yelling rarely, when you do raise a voice, your kids are more likely to snap to because they know they are in deep deep trouble. My father never spanked me but once in my life, never cussed at me but once. Both times, I knew I'd messed up big time.
Uh-oh. You said spanked. Now the internet is going to come crashing down on you because everyone knows spanking a child leads to said child becoming an unproductive, abusive, drain on society.
Load More Replies...
First step is mindful language. Don’t ask, when really you want to give an order. Don’t be in a hurry and go back on your order. Don’t take things personal and don’t attack your child ad hominem. State the outcome, not the job: let’s make this room tidy, not clear away your mess. Give clear, persistent instruction as to how things are done. Be an example. Involve children. Don’t let them watch the Telly while you’re doing the dishes. Make them help.
And be specific : "tidy up your room" is vague. "Pick up your clothes off the floor and put them in the hamper" is better.
Load More Replies...
Yes, some kids are actively pushing boundaries. Many times, though, kids are not resisting, but like adults they can be simply inattentive, non-sensing personality types, deep in thought or a state of flow during an activity and need time to focus their attention. Looking them in the eyes, using language that is direct and to the point, applying gentle pressure to their shoulders etc. can be better than verbal cues alone.
she is trying to get you to buy her services which is why she doesn't go into the full explanation to help you with your child
I find that treating children like you yourself want to be treated by them is the best policy. Be nice, be polite, answer questions honestly, do not degrade them. Explain your reasoning too, because they do not understand everything like an adult would. Be patient. And if you ever have to resort to threats, then stick by them. Oh, and apologise if you did something wrong!
You could not have paid me enough money to saddle my life with a kid. I've been happily childfree for 65+ years. I have zero regrets.
Good for you. Too bad that that's not the point here...
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I've never yelled at my kids. I don't understand how adults don't have self control. You're a grown ass adult, figure it out.
I had this issue until I went to therapy. I over-explain and turn to yelling/spanking. The alternative from PCIT is this: if the kid doesn't listen, put them in the corner. It's their time-out corner. Both as a punishment and as a mental reset if they're having a meltdown. Start with 3 minutes. Keep them there until their bodies are quiet(no kicking/punching the wall, dancing, etc.) and their voices are quiet(don't answer if they ask to leave, don't answer questions, etc.). The times will start long at first(longest I had was 2 hours. Ufda). But they will shorten when the child gets the hang of it. Keep your directions short. Don't get distracted. "Put the blanket in the box." They'll either argue or get distracted with a thought. Don't let them finish, just repeat the direction. Don't get mad, don't yell, just keep repeating the direction like a broken record until they do it. Kids will figure out pretty quick that if THEY want to get a word in, they need to do said direction.
Ah goody, that works for you but it's not a solution. Do you understand why you over explain? Start with yourself. There s nothing wrong with consistency. But forcing a child to calm down with physically restraining them is breaking a personality. That is NOT healthy behavior. You need to stop being hard on yourself and understand that not everything needs to be perfect. Stand above and besides the matter not in the midst of it. But do not engage in two hour long struggles and think that you taught your child something because it takes less time ignoring and restraining them now. You broke them and they feel unsafe to be themselves now.
Load More Replies...
Just to be clear, yelling is not always due to laziness. I'm autistic and so is my older son. I genuinely am really bad at reading him and him me. All that said, it's MY JOB to learn how to enforce boundaries without yelling, so that's what I'm working on.
We need bigger heads,more tiktok,and more opinions of people who idgaf
If you start them young, you really can avoid unnecessary stress for everyone. I had a rule with my kids that I'd tell them once what needed to be done, and expected it or there would be consequences, and then I'd follow through immediately. It worked, and it was peaceful.
Kids are born ass hats- said as a loving mother. Every kid is different but what she said is true and every kid/pair is different. I yell, I don’t like it but we talk. We just had a talk at bedtime and he stopped me to ask is frustrated meant the same as mad. Kids understand, you just got to give yourself come time to cool down. No you’re not going to be able to have those full house conversation in the moment m. Don’t beat yourself up just validated both your and your child’s feelings. It’s a learning subject.
Smells like bullshit to me. If your kids respect you, they'll listen. If you're a screaming asshole, they'll just resent you for it. It works both ways.
Yes, parenting coach. I give you my gifted strong-willed child for a few weeks and an actual stressful job to go with it. Now mind you, this kiddo is the happiest little bastard you will meet, who has been hustling and renegotiating since he could open his eyes. Now *fight*. Coach uses "consistent rules", HLB wants fish fingers if he can't go to Jimmy to play. Coach uses "consistency", HLB uses "Random meltdown over amount of fish fingers". Coach uses "acknowledgement". HLB renegotiates terms to fish fingers and two new Lego sets. Coach hides in corner and cries. HLB goes to play at Jimmy while coach bakes fish fingers.
Mind you, I know this and learned how to not be like this, but it's not tricks like this happy little camper of a coach is promoting. It's understanding where this is coming from and acknowledging you yourself are only human and to pick the fights that are meant to be fought. And yes that does include me raising my voice every now and then, but also actively explaining why and how mom is that, human. A person with flaws that still loves you afterwards. Because kids don't feel happy having power struggles either. When they happen. Understanding that makes a big difference. Coach. Effing one trick pony.
Load More Replies... So it makes sense that kids wait until you yell to do it... but I really don't understand what she is suggesting is the alternative.
Say 'no' or ask them to do something, make it clear what happens if they don't comply, and then, if they don't comply, enforce the consequence you previously announced. That simple. Don't say 'clean your room or you can't have timmy over this afternoon' and the still let them have timmy over this afternoon even though they didn't clean their room despite the fact that you reminded them three times.
Load More Replies... Parenting is love, reliability, and consistency. As easy as this. And as hard as the third point, as, in all honesty, we adults have a hard time being consistent despite mood swings, lack of sleep, external pressure, and self-doubt.
Also, as someone who was yelled at constantly by her mother, you tune it out after a while. If all a child hears is yelling, then they will get used to it the same as people that live near airports eventually are able to sleep even though planes fly low over the house. On the other hand, if you use yelling rarely, when you do raise a voice, your kids are more likely to snap to because they know they are in deep deep trouble. My father never spanked me but once in my life, never cussed at me but once. Both times, I knew I'd messed up big time.
Uh-oh. You said spanked. Now the internet is going to come crashing down on you because everyone knows spanking a child leads to said child becoming an unproductive, abusive, drain on society.
Load More Replies... First step is mindful language. Don’t ask, when really you want to give an order. Don’t be in a hurry and go back on your order. Don’t take things personal and don’t attack your child ad hominem. State the outcome, not the job: let’s make this room tidy, not clear away your mess. Give clear, persistent instruction as to how things are done. Be an example. Involve children. Don’t let them watch the Telly while you’re doing the dishes. Make them help.
And be specific : "tidy up your room" is vague. "Pick up your clothes off the floor and put them in the hamper" is better.
Load More Replies... Yes, some kids are actively pushing boundaries. Many times, though, kids are not resisting, but like adults they can be simply inattentive, non-sensing personality types, deep in thought or a state of flow during an activity and need time to focus their attention. Looking them in the eyes, using language that is direct and to the point, applying gentle pressure to their shoulders etc. can be better than verbal cues alone.
she is trying to get you to buy her services which is why she doesn't go into the full explanation to help you with your child
I find that treating children like you yourself want to be treated by them is the best policy. Be nice, be polite, answer questions honestly, do not degrade them. Explain your reasoning too, because they do not understand everything like an adult would. Be patient. And if you ever have to resort to threats, then stick by them. Oh, and apologise if you did something wrong!
You could not have paid me enough money to saddle my life with a kid. I've been happily childfree for 65+ years. I have zero regrets.
Good for you. Too bad that that's not the point here...
Load More Replies... I've never yelled at my kids. I don't understand how adults don't have self control. You're a grown ass adult, figure it out.
I had this issue until I went to therapy. I over-explain and turn to yelling/spanking. The alternative from PCIT is this: if the kid doesn't listen, put them in the corner. It's their time-out corner. Both as a punishment and as a mental reset if they're having a meltdown. Start with 3 minutes. Keep them there until their bodies are quiet(no kicking/punching the wall, dancing, etc.) and their voices are quiet(don't answer if they ask to leave, don't answer questions, etc.). The times will start long at first(longest I had was 2 hours. Ufda). But they will shorten when the child gets the hang of it. Keep your directions short. Don't get distracted. "Put the blanket in the box." They'll either argue or get distracted with a thought. Don't let them finish, just repeat the direction. Don't get mad, don't yell, just keep repeating the direction like a broken record until they do it. Kids will figure out pretty quick that if THEY want to get a word in, they need to do said direction.
Ah goody, that works for you but it's not a solution. Do you understand why you over explain? Start with yourself. There s nothing wrong with consistency. But forcing a child to calm down with physically restraining them is breaking a personality. That is NOT healthy behavior. You need to stop being hard on yourself and understand that not everything needs to be perfect. Stand above and besides the matter not in the midst of it. But do not engage in two hour long struggles and think that you taught your child something because it takes less time ignoring and restraining them now. You broke them and they feel unsafe to be themselves now.
Load More Replies... Just to be clear, yelling is not always due to laziness. I'm autistic and so is my older son. I genuinely am really bad at reading him and him me. All that said, it's MY JOB to learn how to enforce boundaries without yelling, so that's what I'm working on.
We need bigger heads,more tiktok,and more opinions of people who idgaf
If you start them young, you really can avoid unnecessary stress for everyone. I had a rule with my kids that I'd tell them once what needed to be done, and expected it or there would be consequences, and then I'd follow through immediately. It worked, and it was peaceful.
Kids are born ass hats- said as a loving mother. Every kid is different but what she said is true and every kid/pair is different. I yell, I don’t like it but we talk. We just had a talk at bedtime and he stopped me to ask is frustrated meant the same as mad. Kids understand, you just got to give yourself come time to cool down. No you’re not going to be able to have those full house conversation in the moment m. Don’t beat yourself up just validated both your and your child’s feelings. It’s a learning subject.
Smells like bullshit to me. If your kids respect you, they'll listen. If you're a screaming asshole, they'll just resent you for it. It works both ways.
Yes, parenting coach. I give you my gifted strong-willed child for a few weeks and an actual stressful job to go with it. Now mind you, this kiddo is the happiest little bastard you will meet, who has been hustling and renegotiating since he could open his eyes. Now *fight*. Coach uses "consistent rules", HLB wants fish fingers if he can't go to Jimmy to play. Coach uses "consistency", HLB uses "Random meltdown over amount of fish fingers". Coach uses "acknowledgement". HLB renegotiates terms to fish fingers and two new Lego sets. Coach hides in corner and cries. HLB goes to play at Jimmy while coach bakes fish fingers.
Mind you, I know this and learned how to not be like this, but it's not tricks like this happy little camper of a coach is promoting. It's understanding where this is coming from and acknowledging you yourself are only human and to pick the fights that are meant to be fought. And yes that does include me raising my voice every now and then, but also actively explaining why and how mom is that, human. A person with flaws that still loves you afterwards. Because kids don't feel happy having power struggles either. When they happen. Understanding that makes a big difference. Coach. Effing one trick pony.
Load More Replies...
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