If one were to inspect the timeline of Irish inventions and discoveries, one would see a very curious thing. The Irish, of course, are responsible for inventing whiskey, and they did so way back in the 14th century. However, right after this groundbreaking beverage came to be, an odd thing happened - a three-hundred-year-long silence, with nothing new from the Irish whatsoever. Were they so enamored with it that they thought their lives were complete? Well, who are we to know, but what we do know is that these Irish jokes are mainly based on this curious fascination with golden liquids.
Of course, we do not want to say that all Irish folks are drunkards apt for debauchery. However, every country has its fun stereotypes, and they are, most of the time, based on at least a shred of truth. For Italians, such a stereotype would be based on pasta and pizza, for Finnish people on their introverted qualities, and for us Lithuanians, it’s, well, potatoes. And it is all in good fun! The same goes for these Irish jokes - although they do talk a lot about beverages containing alcohol, it doesn’t mean that the Irish are only good for that. They are also great with breeding horses, dancing odd dances, and being open and lovely people all around.
So, antsy to read these fun jokes? Well then, scroll down below and check them out! Be sure to vote for the best Irish jokes, though, and share this article with your friends!
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"I live in rural Ireland, if the vaccine turns me into a wifi hotspot it would solve me a lot of problems."
Three guys – one Irish, one English, and one Scottish – are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
“I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total,” says the genie.
The Scottish guy says, “I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, his dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.” So, with a blink of the genie's eye, the oceans were teeming with fish.
The Englishman was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity.” Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around England.
The Irishman asks, “I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.” The genie explains, “Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out.”
The Irishman says, “Fill it up with water.”
I love summer here in Ireland. It's my favorite day of the year.
"Ireland's attitude to the coronavirus battle is the same one we apply to the Eurovision: no matter how far down the board, we are as long as we're doing better than England we still feel like we're winning."
A couple just had their first son, the husband is half Irish and half Indian, the wife is half Chinese and half Italian both wish to have their son's name after their heritage. After much argument, they decided on the name. Ravi O'Lee.
What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and a funeral?
At a funeral, there’s one less drunk.
How many beans does it take to make Irish bean soup?
239. Because one more would make it too farty.
"I am now supporting America in the World Cup because some of them could be Irish people who were sold by the nuns."
Bono and the Edge walk into a bar in Dublin. The barman exclaims, "Not U2 again!!!"
The barman said to Paddy, “Your glass is empty, can I get you another one?”
Paddy replied, “Why would I be needing two feckin’ empty glasses?”
One night, Mrs. McMillen answers the door to see her husband’s best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.
“Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory.”
Paddy shook his head. “Ah Mrs. McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory. Your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned.”
Mrs. McMillen starts crying. “Oh, don't tell me that! Did he at least go quickly?”
Paddy shakes his head. “Not really – he got out three times to pee!”
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a policeman pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
What’s the difference between an Irish-American and someone born in Ireland?
One’s been to Ireland.
can't wait to go to Ireland. only place I've ever wanted to travel to.
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
Shamrocks have 3 leaves, clovers can have more or less. Hence, all shamrocks are clovers, but not all clovers are shamrocks. St Patrick used the shamrock to show the three in one- Father, Son and Holy Ghost. https://homeguides.sfgate.com/botany-difference-between-clover-shamrock-plants-81823.html
"You know what? Dublin can be magic, and by magic I mean it’s pretty good at making my bike disappear."
"If only I had a reason to wear this green shirt" - inventor of St. Patrick's Day."
Legend says they never got to wear that shirt anyway, the leprechauns stole it
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
"I’m an Irish atheist which means I believe in science and the power of St. Anthony."
Psss... I'm a non-native speaker..... I don't get it... 😬 Who's St Anthony?
Why are there so few Irish vampires?
They can't stand Gaelic.
"In Ireland, humans are given a PPS number and cats are given a PSPSPSPSPS number."
Nobody:
People from west of Ireland: "The divil."
Some say the divil is dead and buried in Killarney, More say he rose again and joined the British army
Some Irish scientists measured the size of the coronavirus variant. It was one O'Micron.
OK, a one minutes' notice composition There once was a man from Kilarney It's been said he was good with the Blarney But his words grew so boring He left the audience snoring And could only find work as a Carney
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy replies: "In the car."
"Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy.
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space. "Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday." Suddenly, the clouds part, and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: "Never mind, I found one!"
What's the difference between God and Bono?
God doesn't wander around Dublin thinking he's Bono.
"I still haven’t picked out the outfit I’m going to embarrass myself in this St. Patrick’s Day."
An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?"
The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both."
The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.
The barman asks: "Did something happen to one of your brothers?" "Oh no," replies the Irishman. "I just decided to quit drinking!"
At an Irish wedding reception. The D.J. yelled, "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.” The bartender was almost crushed.
I just found out Ireland still has a law against blasphemy. Jesus Christ!
Definition of an Irish husband?
A man who hasn’t kissed his wife in twenty years, but he’ll kill the man who does.
The whole of Ireland is at risk from rising sea levels. Apart from Cork, which will stay afloat.
In 1845 Dublin a ridiculously large number of beer kegs broke and flooded the streets in total about 10 people died by trying to drink it. Talk about drowning your sorrows.
An American lawyer asked, “Paddy, why is it that whenever I ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?
“Who told you that?” asked Paddy.
I'm half Irish and half Jewish... I'm drinking if you're buying!
"Sometimes I ask myself are Cavan people really stingy, and then I remember that my aunty froze her wedding cake and served the remainder at her child's christening four years later."
"I'm in the U.S. but at university, there was an Irish student in acting classes with me. I bought a purple suit for the opening of a play I directed. He took one look at me and said, "Who bleached Prince?""
Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness. The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness. When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.
The barman says: "Wow! You sure drank those fast."
Paudie explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have."
The barman asks: "What do you have?"
The guy reaches into his pocket and says: "Fifty cents!"
Anto’s missus was in the Rotunda Hospital, ready to give birth to their first child. When they arrived, the nurse asked, "How dilated is she, sir?"
Anto replied, "Delighted? She’s over the fu*king moon!"
A Dublin woman was 9 months pregnant with twins, a boy and a girl, when she got into a horrible accident and ended up in a coma. When she woke up, the doctors reassured her that her babies were fine and told her that her brother had named them. Woman: oh no, he's a complete gobshite. Please, tell me what he called them. Doctor: well the little girl, he named Denise. Woman: that's actually not too bad. And the boy? Doctor: he called Denephew
Two Irishmen looking for work see a sign that reads TREE FELLERS WANTED. “Oh, now, look at that,” said Paddy. “What a pity there's only de two of us!”
Six Irish men were playing poker when one of them played a bad hand and died... The rest drew straws to see who would tell his wife. One man draws the shortest straw and goes to his friend’s house to tell his wife. The man says to her, “Your husband lost some money in the poker game and is afraid to come home.” The wife says, "Tell him to drop dead!" The man responds, "I'll go tell him."
I tried writing a remake of my favorite Nic Cage film but set in Ireland. After all, who wouldn't enjoy Con Aer Lingus.
What did St. Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland?
"You all ok in the back there?"
"Someone in Dublin airport just had six packets of Kerrygold confiscated. Gutted for them."
A Garda’s driving down O’Connell Street in Dublin when he sees two fellas pissing up against the window of a shop. He parks the car and runs over to them. He asks the first fella for his name and address. The man replies, "I’m Paddy O’Toole of no fixed abode." The Garda turns to the second fella and asks the same question. He replies, "I’m Ben Riordain, and I live in the flat above Paddy!"
O'Rourke, the barber, was hearing complaints from his customer about the price of his services. “I tell you, O'Rourke, you Dublin barbers have a stranglehold on the citizens. I was in New York just last month, and you charge me double what they charge there.” “That may be true, Sir,” said the barber, “but think of the airfare.”
How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
When it gets cold in Ireland, we all sit around a candle. And when it gets really cold, we light it.
I always wondered why there were two different ways to spell Whiskey / Whisky. Having been to Dublin, I now realize it's because the Irish like to drop an E in their drinks.
A young Irish boy said to his grandfather, “Make a frog noise for me, Grandad.”
“No, son, I don't feel like making a frog noise right now.”
“Oh please, Grandad, make a frog noise.”
“No, I don't want to.”
“Oh please, Grandad, make a frog noise.”
“Why is it so important to you that I make a frog noise?”
“Mum says when you croak we can have this house.”
Did you hear about the Irish water polo team?
All their horses drowned.
An Irishman backpacker went into an Australian post office to see if there were any letters for him. “I'll see, sir,” said the clerk. “What’s your name?”
“You're having me on now because I'm Irish,” said the Irishman.
“Won't you see the name on the envelope?”
“Hello, Pan American Airlines?” said Big Mick Lonegan. “Could ye be tellin' me how long it takes to fly from Boston to Dublin?” The voice on the telephone said “I'll see sir, just a minute.” “Ahh, 'tis fast. Thank ye,” Mick said as he hung up.
The Irish way... Now don't be talking about yourself while you're here. We'll surely be doing that after you leave.
"How culchie is my 20 year old brother? He came to Dublin for the first time today and he has been hopping on the buses without paying because he thought they were free."
Gerry Connors walked his dog through the village every day. One day Mr. Connors is on his walk without the dog.
His pal Billy sees him and asks: "Where is your dog?" Mr. Murphy answers: "I had to have him put down." "Was he mad?" asks Billy.
"He wasn't too pleased," Mr. Murphy replies.
An Irishman walks into a railway station and presents himself at the ticket counter.
“I'd like a return ticket,” he says.
“Where to?”
“To here!” says the Irishman.
What’s a New York Irish Catholic view of heaven?
A Knight’s of Columbus with an open bar.
There was an Irish botanist that was trying to cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy... He was hoping for a rash of good luck.
The invention of television has eliminated famine in Ireland. Now, when the crops fail in the garden, the population can raise couch potatoes in the living room.
Scientists are saying that the capital of the Republic of Ireland has increased by a staggering 100%! It’s Dublin.
"If they build the white water rafting facility I am simply going to fill it with loads of Radox and watch chaos ensue as the city is consumed by bubbles. The nation's capital, Co. Bublin."
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
“I had an accident opening a can of alphabet spaghetti this morning,” said Murphy.
“Were you injured?” enquired Seamus.
“No, but it could have spelled disaster,” concluded Murphy.
A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, “What's your name and address?”
“I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address.”
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. “I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.”
Did you hear about the Irish guy who was assassinated at the antique store?
It was a knick knack paddywhack!
Woman: "I'm sorry I can't go ahead with bearing this child."
Ireland: "What's your excuse?"
Woman: "I'm dead."
Ireland: "We can make it work."
"Anyone that isn’t Irish celebrating St. Patrick's day this weekend in a “Kiss me I’m Irish” shirt WILL be arrested for fraud."
"You can go wherever you want, dress however you want, change your entire personality and you’ll still have a Big Irish Head."
What did the drunken Irishman in New York write to his wife back home?
"Irish you were beer!"
Every night, an Irishman walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey.
He downs each shot pays the barman and leaves. The bartender eventually asks him why he always drinks exactly three shots. “It’s one for me and one for each of my brothers,” he tells the bartender. “One is in America and the other is in Australia, and we do this to feel like we’re all still drinking together.” A month later the Irishman only orders two shots of whiskey. “Oh no,” says the barman. “I’m sorry for your loss. Was it the one in America or Australia?” “What?” The Irishman looks puzzled, then glances at the whiskey glasses. “Jesus no, it’s nothin’ like that. It’s just that I’ve decided to stop drinking.”
My brother and I took an Irish lady on a date. Everything went perfectly until she tried to make us feel insecure about our weight. At the end of the night, she said, "I had a great time, tanks."
For my next magic trick ill teach you an Irish accent. Say it with me: "Ari Po-er an tha cersed chil."
Historians in Ireland believe they have found their oldest ever man. An ancient headstone has been analyzed, and they found it to be for a 193 year old man called Miles from Dublin.
"Is that the Ballycashel Echo?" asks Mick.
"How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?"
"Five pounds an inch," a woman replies. "Why? What are you selling?"
"A ten-foot ladder," said Mick before slamming the phone down.
"Knock Knock!"
"Who’s there?"
"Ireland!"
"Ireland who?"
"Ireland you money, if you promise to pay me back."
The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke... But the Scots haven’t got the joke yet.
Half Italian, half Irish?
Call that *Spaghetti alla* car-bomb-*ara*.
I'd an IRA-supporting Irish-American co-worker. He said he was twelve years old before he learned that fuckingenglish wasn't one word.
I'd an IRA-supporting Irish-American co-worker. He said he was twelve years old before he learned that fuckingenglish wasn't one word.
