When we cook, a kitchen disaster is always one step away from us. A tablespoon of salt too much, a drop of vinegar too little and dinner is screwed. Bored Panda has compiled hilarious recipe secrets to help you master some of the most popular national cuisines so you wouldn’t have to order another boring takeaway meal for your hungry family.
From the potato-loving Irish to the pretentious French, these tumblr users perfectly poke fun at their traditions, unmasking the cornerstones of their most beloved foods. Scroll down to read a humorous summary of menus from different countries and let us know in the comments if you agree with them.
Belgian Recipe : Try add this...and this, if it's good, they'll say it's french. If it's not, we'll say it's Dutch
Haha I am Dutch, but I laughed about it. Because we make fun of your country (well, the people) too. So it's only fair!
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South African recipes : Sit dit op die braai en kry n lekker dop... loosely translated to "Put it on the barbeque and get yourself a drink"
so its basically just like what us australians do. nice thats cool
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Swiss recipe: more cheese or more chocolate. If this doesn't help, drink wine instead
every hungarian recipe starts with it: fry onion on fat, then add pepper. After this, add anything and it will be hungarian. When it is done, eat it with sour cream and bread.
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The Indian Recipe is rubbish. We only have about 5 dishes. Everyone knows the perfect recipe to each one, or knows someone who can cook them perfectly. Problem is, each one cooks it perfectly in completely different ways. That and a s**t ton of chilli.
whenever i read online mexican is bland compared to indian , i wanna try authentic mexican...
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Portuguese Recipe (Tradicional): pick up some dry cod, boil with whichever you have in your pantry. 99℅ of the times you'll get a traditional portuguese dish...
Ah, for the american recipes you forgot the occasional plastic smelling pouch.
I'm sorry, did I say something wrong? Could somebody clarify? Didn't mean to be rude if I was.
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Indian one is way too wrong.. Its 1 Million recipes, with Lots and lots of chili and more chili and more chili... Mexicans feels embarrassed when they eat Indian food.
Austrian recipe: cover anything in breadcrumbs. Fry it. Call it Schnitzel. By anything I mean ANYTHING: meat, vegetable, cheese, icecream (I kid you not).
ok but meat with the bread crumbs is a schnitzel?? is it not?? the proper schnitzel’s you buy from gilbert’s has a sh*t load of bread crumbs. i’m australian btw.
Load More Replies... Mexican... put anything edible in to a tortilla, fold it and good to go!
Ha, exactly what I wanted to say: Fry it, more like Mash it :p
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New Zealand recipe: chuck everything in a hole, cover them in rocks then set them on fire for 8 hours
As an Irishman, I can confirm that although the potatoes may sound stereotypical, it is absolutely true. Five out of seven times this week, my meal has included potatoes.
Scottish recipes: boiling times- Steak. 1 hour Tomatoes. 1 hour Potatoes. 30minutes Cabbage. 2 hours Sprouts. 1 week
Danish recipes: Serve anything you like as long as it's by candlelight and accompanied by the etymological story of the "untranslatable" Danish word for cosiness.
Dutch recipe: cook until it has the texture of porridge, then mash together and drown in melted butter. Add only salt.
Soul Food: Fry it and serve it with cornbread! But this a bowl of blueberries? FRY IT AND SERVE WITH CORNBREAD!
I've actually had fried blueberry cornbread. It was amazing.
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Brazillian cooking: Add beans. Now add pork. No, not the good parts. ADD THE EAR THE TAIL AND THE PAWS
Slovakian recipes: You need potatoes, cheese, bacon, onions and garlic. Combine them and cook them however you like. If someone complains that you use the same ingredients all the time, use sour cabbage instead of cheese. PS: There is never enough onions and garlic.
Finnish recipe: Cook potatoes and eat with Karelian hot pot / sausages / fish / minced meat. Season only with pinch of salt :D (Let's see how quickly I get evicted from Finland!)
Romanian cooking: Mom: "write down this recipe, but it's more like guidelines.You have to adjust the quantities for the dough, filling and cream. You'll know when it's right, it will feel right/ creamy/ fluffy/ thick enough"
This was my German grandmother's recipes.... "How much salt do you put in, Gramma? Oh... I don't know... about this much... (holding out hand with pile of salt in it)." But hey... it's how I learned to cook. I'm not sure I've ever measured anything (except for baking).
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Slovakia - cook food, everytime it looks like vomit, but it is delicous :D
My husband is half-Belgian and I love it when he tests out recipes on me. Belgian recipes pretty much all start with: First, melt a shitload of butter.
Southern American cooking: "You're gonna want to put some hot sauce on that bad boy."
Cajun recipes: There's nOT ENOUGH SEASONING YOU IDIOT
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Algerian Recipe: You need olive oil for this recipe. No, not the kind from the store--the good stuff. No, not that other fancy one either. Just drive five hours into the mountains to get the kind sold by your distant relative the olive-grower who will hand press it for you. Drive home. Now, use the entire bottle. Repeat.
Croatian recipe: take this meat, mix it with this meat, wrap it with fat from meat and cover il all with meat. (If you kill that pig yourself, meat tastes better.)
Ethiopian ( and Eritrean) recipe: Sear fresh onion, garlic, ginger Add your food, wether vegetables or meat Spice it with berbere, a powder containing chili peppers, ..onion, garlic and ginger Then let it cook forever
Belgian cooking: take a French recipe, get rid of all the unnecessary ingredients (AKA the "avec"). Serve in German quantities so people actually CAN find the meat next to and not under the vegetables. Yes, that is vegetables. Plural.
i’m australian and you don’t use the barbie too often, but the stove and oven. maybe the air fryer. my family cooks everything in the oven not even kidding ya mate. or the stove.
American: here's a recipe that's decades old, it's actually from a country that doesn't f*cking exist anymore, but we made it simpler for you, you idiot.
I was so sure american was going to say "Deep fry it"... and to the other 95% of the world population, that stereotype is only partially true.
I burst in laughter when I saw a recipe for an Irish baguette. It actually has potato mash in it!
Maine U.S.A. recipe: Shoot/Trap. Skin and clean. Cook however you feel like. Eat. It's food.
American recipe: Just pour the milk over the cereal and you are done. Also American, no need for a stove when you have a microwave.
As a Canadian... you're not wrong. Bonus points for Canadian bacon <3
German: It is more like: Okay you have like three components. One has to be meat of any kind, prob. pork. One is potatoes or less often, noodles. One is veggies, but no one cares, prob kale. Your Grandma is the only one who can me the perfect gravy to that. It sounds really easy, but it takes 5 hours to make it and needs equipment they sell on ebay for vintage. The recipe sounds exactly as complicated as this post.
Canadian recipe. Use Canadian back bacon, maple syrup. You forgot to mention poutine. French fried potatoes with gravy and cheese curd.
German Recipe: Take ANY dead animal, cook it anyway you want, put carbs next to it and pour sauce over it. Bitteschoehn. (Greens are optional)
You need olive oil for this recipe. No, not the kind from the store--the good stuff. No, not that other fancy one either. Just drive five hours into the mountains to get the one sold by your relative the olive grower which he hand presses. Drive home. Now, use the entire bottle. Repeat.
Sorry, the English one is incorrect. NO SALT, please! They don't like taste... any taste...
Brazilian recipe: You eat rice & beans! You eat rice & beans! Everyone eats rice & beans!
Brazilian recipe: You get rice & beans! You get rice & beans! Everybody gets rice & beans!
Filipino recipe #2 (sweets): Add ube, coconut, mung bean, and sweetened condensed milk, or else your mother will click her tongue at you in pity.
Polish recipes: cabbage, salt pork, beets, onions, cabbage, and onions.
In Russia, you don't add fish... fish adds you...
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German recipes: Whatever you've just made, pour sauerkraut all over it. Enjoy!
It is more like: Okay you have like three components. One has to be meat of any kind, prob. pork. One is potatoes or less often, noodles. One is veggies, but no one cares, prob kale. Your Grandma is the only one who can me the perfect gravy to that. It sounds really easy, but it takes 5 hours to make it and needs equipment they sell on ebay for vintage. The recipe sounds exactly as complicated as this post.
Load More Replies...
Ethiopia: sear fresh onions, ginger and garlic,...then add Your food, wether vegetables, or meat,..spice it with Berbere, a powder containing dried onion, garlic and ginger,..chili peppers aso....then let it cook forever
Dutch, fry it??? Makes no sense. We put potatoes with everything!
No frying, but mashing! Prakken, die hap! Haha
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The polish one spoke to me. I live in the US in a city that literally has pierogi festivals.
As a good Polish girl, I can tell you pierogi are essential to any family gathering. And heaven help you if you bring store bought! Your babcia (grandma) will never forgive you! Also most Polish food is either cooked to death, contains alcohol, or is covered in powdered sugar.
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Mexican(as I, a white dude, make it): Put tortilla chips in bowl, melt cheese. Enjoy
Americans translating foods from other countries could be a whole post by itself.
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Belgian Recipe : Try add this...and this, if it's good, they'll say it's french. If it's not, we'll say it's Dutch
Haha I am Dutch, but I laughed about it. Because we make fun of your country (well, the people) too. So it's only fair!
Load More Replies... South African recipes : Sit dit op die braai en kry n lekker dop... loosely translated to "Put it on the barbeque and get yourself a drink"
so its basically just like what us australians do. nice thats cool
Load More Replies... Swiss recipe: more cheese or more chocolate. If this doesn't help, drink wine instead
every hungarian recipe starts with it: fry onion on fat, then add pepper. After this, add anything and it will be hungarian. When it is done, eat it with sour cream and bread.
Load More Replies... The Indian Recipe is rubbish. We only have about 5 dishes. Everyone knows the perfect recipe to each one, or knows someone who can cook them perfectly. Problem is, each one cooks it perfectly in completely different ways. That and a s**t ton of chilli.
whenever i read online mexican is bland compared to indian , i wanna try authentic mexican...
Load More Replies... Portuguese Recipe (Tradicional): pick up some dry cod, boil with whichever you have in your pantry. 99℅ of the times you'll get a traditional portuguese dish...
Ah, for the american recipes you forgot the occasional plastic smelling pouch.
I'm sorry, did I say something wrong? Could somebody clarify? Didn't mean to be rude if I was.
Load More Replies... Indian one is way too wrong.. Its 1 Million recipes, with Lots and lots of chili and more chili and more chili... Mexicans feels embarrassed when they eat Indian food.
Austrian recipe: cover anything in breadcrumbs. Fry it. Call it Schnitzel. By anything I mean ANYTHING: meat, vegetable, cheese, icecream (I kid you not).
ok but meat with the bread crumbs is a schnitzel?? is it not?? the proper schnitzel’s you buy from gilbert’s has a sh*t load of bread crumbs. i’m australian btw.
Load More Replies... Mexican... put anything edible in to a tortilla, fold it and good to go!
Ha, exactly what I wanted to say: Fry it, more like Mash it :p
Load More Replies... New Zealand recipe: chuck everything in a hole, cover them in rocks then set them on fire for 8 hours
As an Irishman, I can confirm that although the potatoes may sound stereotypical, it is absolutely true. Five out of seven times this week, my meal has included potatoes.
Scottish recipes: boiling times- Steak. 1 hour Tomatoes. 1 hour Potatoes. 30minutes Cabbage. 2 hours Sprouts. 1 week
Danish recipes: Serve anything you like as long as it's by candlelight and accompanied by the etymological story of the "untranslatable" Danish word for cosiness.
Dutch recipe: cook until it has the texture of porridge, then mash together and drown in melted butter. Add only salt.
Soul Food: Fry it and serve it with cornbread! But this a bowl of blueberries? FRY IT AND SERVE WITH CORNBREAD!
I've actually had fried blueberry cornbread. It was amazing.
Load More Replies... Brazillian cooking: Add beans. Now add pork. No, not the good parts. ADD THE EAR THE TAIL AND THE PAWS
Slovakian recipes: You need potatoes, cheese, bacon, onions and garlic. Combine them and cook them however you like. If someone complains that you use the same ingredients all the time, use sour cabbage instead of cheese. PS: There is never enough onions and garlic.
Finnish recipe: Cook potatoes and eat with Karelian hot pot / sausages / fish / minced meat. Season only with pinch of salt :D (Let's see how quickly I get evicted from Finland!)
Romanian cooking: Mom: "write down this recipe, but it's more like guidelines.You have to adjust the quantities for the dough, filling and cream. You'll know when it's right, it will feel right/ creamy/ fluffy/ thick enough"
This was my German grandmother's recipes.... "How much salt do you put in, Gramma? Oh... I don't know... about this much... (holding out hand with pile of salt in it)." But hey... it's how I learned to cook. I'm not sure I've ever measured anything (except for baking).
Load More Replies... Slovakia - cook food, everytime it looks like vomit, but it is delicous :D
My husband is half-Belgian and I love it when he tests out recipes on me. Belgian recipes pretty much all start with: First, melt a shitload of butter.
Southern American cooking: "You're gonna want to put some hot sauce on that bad boy."
Cajun recipes: There's nOT ENOUGH SEASONING YOU IDIOT
Load More Replies... Algerian Recipe: You need olive oil for this recipe. No, not the kind from the store--the good stuff. No, not that other fancy one either. Just drive five hours into the mountains to get the kind sold by your distant relative the olive-grower who will hand press it for you. Drive home. Now, use the entire bottle. Repeat.
Croatian recipe: take this meat, mix it with this meat, wrap it with fat from meat and cover il all with meat. (If you kill that pig yourself, meat tastes better.)
Ethiopian ( and Eritrean) recipe: Sear fresh onion, garlic, ginger Add your food, wether vegetables or meat Spice it with berbere, a powder containing chili peppers, ..onion, garlic and ginger Then let it cook forever
Belgian cooking: take a French recipe, get rid of all the unnecessary ingredients (AKA the "avec"). Serve in German quantities so people actually CAN find the meat next to and not under the vegetables. Yes, that is vegetables. Plural.
i’m australian and you don’t use the barbie too often, but the stove and oven. maybe the air fryer. my family cooks everything in the oven not even kidding ya mate. or the stove.
American: here's a recipe that's decades old, it's actually from a country that doesn't f*cking exist anymore, but we made it simpler for you, you idiot.
I was so sure american was going to say "Deep fry it"... and to the other 95% of the world population, that stereotype is only partially true.
I burst in laughter when I saw a recipe for an Irish baguette. It actually has potato mash in it!
Maine U.S.A. recipe: Shoot/Trap. Skin and clean. Cook however you feel like. Eat. It's food.
American recipe: Just pour the milk over the cereal and you are done. Also American, no need for a stove when you have a microwave.
As a Canadian... you're not wrong. Bonus points for Canadian bacon <3
German: It is more like: Okay you have like three components. One has to be meat of any kind, prob. pork. One is potatoes or less often, noodles. One is veggies, but no one cares, prob kale. Your Grandma is the only one who can me the perfect gravy to that. It sounds really easy, but it takes 5 hours to make it and needs equipment they sell on ebay for vintage. The recipe sounds exactly as complicated as this post.
Canadian recipe. Use Canadian back bacon, maple syrup. You forgot to mention poutine. French fried potatoes with gravy and cheese curd.
German Recipe: Take ANY dead animal, cook it anyway you want, put carbs next to it and pour sauce over it. Bitteschoehn. (Greens are optional)
You need olive oil for this recipe. No, not the kind from the store--the good stuff. No, not that other fancy one either. Just drive five hours into the mountains to get the one sold by your relative the olive grower which he hand presses. Drive home. Now, use the entire bottle. Repeat.
Sorry, the English one is incorrect. NO SALT, please! They don't like taste... any taste...
Brazilian recipe: You eat rice & beans! You eat rice & beans! Everyone eats rice & beans!
Brazilian recipe: You get rice & beans! You get rice & beans! Everybody gets rice & beans!
Filipino recipe #2 (sweets): Add ube, coconut, mung bean, and sweetened condensed milk, or else your mother will click her tongue at you in pity.
Polish recipes: cabbage, salt pork, beets, onions, cabbage, and onions.
In Russia, you don't add fish... fish adds you...
Load More Replies... German recipes: Whatever you've just made, pour sauerkraut all over it. Enjoy!
It is more like: Okay you have like three components. One has to be meat of any kind, prob. pork. One is potatoes or less often, noodles. One is veggies, but no one cares, prob kale. Your Grandma is the only one who can me the perfect gravy to that. It sounds really easy, but it takes 5 hours to make it and needs equipment they sell on ebay for vintage. The recipe sounds exactly as complicated as this post.
Load More Replies... Ethiopia: sear fresh onions, ginger and garlic,...then add Your food, wether vegetables, or meat,..spice it with Berbere, a powder containing dried onion, garlic and ginger,..chili peppers aso....then let it cook forever
Dutch, fry it??? Makes no sense. We put potatoes with everything!
No frying, but mashing! Prakken, die hap! Haha
Load More Replies... The polish one spoke to me. I live in the US in a city that literally has pierogi festivals.
As a good Polish girl, I can tell you pierogi are essential to any family gathering. And heaven help you if you bring store bought! Your babcia (grandma) will never forgive you! Also most Polish food is either cooked to death, contains alcohol, or is covered in powdered sugar.
Load More Replies... Mexican(as I, a white dude, make it): Put tortilla chips in bowl, melt cheese. Enjoy
Americans translating foods from other countries could be a whole post by itself.
Load More Replies... 
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