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When a man hesitates to hug male friends in public or sweats at the mere thought of carrying a female friend’s purse for her, it makes you wonder how come this is such a big deal. But while we all bear different perspectives on the world around us, some of these unexplainable behaviors can reveal a way bigger picture.

People say it has to do with some men being insecure about their masculinity. How come? Well, it’s the fear of losing one's status as a “real man” in other people’s eyes, which makes the guy think he would be looked at as tenuous. There’s an old-fashioned belief that a man has to earn his status through proof of action, or a test of some sort, that makes him the man he really is. And although many men are aware of the fact that this is not how gender works, some still follow this ancient notion of manhood.

So when a TikToker @richtiktoxic asked people “What is something that men do that lets you know their insecure about their masculinity?” his video went viral with 1.1M views. “I’ll go first. As soon as a man refers to himself as an alpha, you know he’s insecure,” said Rich and passed the baton onto other people on social media who had a lot to say on the topic.

@richtiktoxic

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Insecure-Men-Masculinity-Signs

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Edward Shaw
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I believe the word "Alpha" has just replaced the word "Arsehole".

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Bored Panda reached out to the author of the video named Richard, better known by his TikTok handle @rich.tik.toxic. Rich is a successful online content creator and journalist with 333.7k TikTok followers who was happy to answer some questions for us. When asked how Rich got the idea to ask people about the signs of insecure masculinity, the author said that “the video that sparked this entire debate was one created by my good friend Brittany Guzman (@_brittguz on TikTok).”

“It was a reference to a study done in the UK regarding the prevalence of sexual harassment. She encountered an incredible amount of hate comments simply for referencing a study. Men made it known they were unhappy with her bringing this data to light; so much so that at one point I think her video had 100 likes and 1000 comments,” Rich explained.

#3

Insecure-Men-Masculinity-Signs

toxicatok Report

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brendanroberts avatar
Brendan
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I love that my wife earns more; it means we have more money. Who cares you which of you has the higher paycheck?

southon avatar
Bobert Robertson
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My wife and I do this, but as a joke.... When the bill comes one of us will usually say "don't worry, I got this" even though we have a joint account.

sueuser avatar
Sue User
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Me and a male friend would go out to dinner. Rather than split, one time he would pay, one time I would. I would pick up the folder they put the bill, put my card in and set it down on my side of the table. Most of the time they would return the folder to him.

sdavisallmond avatar
Sussanne Davis
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Lmao.... as if the server wouldn't see name on card and figure out its her card and not his

linusnilsson avatar
Linus Nilsson
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Nah, the server would think it's his mothers card. He would be saved. (Irony)

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deborahbrett avatar
Deborah B
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

OMG... so you could pay, as long as noone knew. Very insecure.

kifflington avatar
Nat Hedley
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Oh yeah, that's an instant dumping. Not only so insecure about himself and his role in the relationship that he has to publicly assert 'dominance' but does it by lying rather than by, say, actually getting a better job if salary means that much to him.

frozenwaters456 avatar
Luke Oakridge
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Rather than blaming the boyfriend, why not blame the society that teaches men that they should pay on dates rather than women?

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kjorn avatar
kjorn
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

that's so stupid!... glad it's your ex. my wife more than me... so what? we don't have the same job... and i'd certainly don't want have her job!

dtmcarotenuto avatar
Fus
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My wife and I share everything. Including our bank account. Doesn't matter who pulls their card out, the money comes from the same place.

blue1steven avatar
Donkey boi
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My Wife is in charge of the finances because I have no concept of (monetary) value. She has all my cards, but when we are out, because of her social anxiety, I have to pay and she just tells me which ones to use.

jamie_mayfield avatar
Ivana
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I make about three times what my husband does so I pretty much always pay. My dad got upset and was like "He should be paying for things. Your money is your money." Like sure, let me down grade my house, car, and favorite venues so we can live off my husband's salary. Every time the check comes they give the bill to him. My husband isn't insecure about it though. Our difference is salary is largely because I got very lucky early on and landed a job in a department where I was able to move up very quickly while I was still in school. He was working through school too but at as a cook and so he was taking entry level office jobs while I was already in management.

phil-lucas avatar
Lucas
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

People should not be judged on their income. My sister's husband works for a charity and they pay piss-all. He is far more benefit to people on this planet than she is, for all her big salary. Not that they care, they both love what they do. That is what matters. That and being a decent human being.

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Viviane
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Joint account. He makes more than I do. He'll still sometimes ask if I'm paying, because he gets a kick out of me occasionally "treating".

abdk333 avatar
K Witmer
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was the breadwinner in the my relationship for the first 12 years of our 20 year marriage. We were trying to build our business so I could work full time for ourselves but I had to keep working to make money to afford everything. The last 8 years it's self sustainable now. My husband and I only work for ourselves now. He didn't mind I worked more and made more money and took care of the house and our child 80%. He just now in the last few years started to equally help in the house. Whatever works for your family should be the goal. Not how it looks to others.

idrow avatar
Id row
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If my husband tried that, when she came back for the signature after running it, I'd be like, "Yeah, I'll need to sign that, it's my card."

phil-lucas avatar
Lucas
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Contactles Payments mean anyone can hand over a card. Even Chip and Pin... surprised anyone has to still sign these days.

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ddw2945 avatar
Curry on...
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I get it. Frustrating. But then some men are ridiculed in society for not making enough money and footing the bills.

cmuraspunk avatar
Alphabet Soupy
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My ex did this too. He also got mad one time we visited family (I was driving us in my new car), and he actually wanted to stop and switch seats before arriving bc he was “riding bitch” and didn’t want his family to see him like that. I’ve grown up since.

dariab_1 avatar
Daria B
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Meanwhile, I pay with my phone, which requires my fingerprint. My husband doesn't care, but can you imagine someone, for example, on one of your first dates, grabs your phone out of your hand only to fail paying the bill?

wenlock avatar
Helen Rohrlach
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The server isn't going to notice he's called Christabelle on the card?

dodsonmichelle avatar
Celtic Pirate Queen
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That's pathetic. Like the server couldn't read your name EMBOSSED ON THE CARD?

jasminehammond avatar
J
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is so wrong, I. earn a lot more money than my hubby. I pay for some things, he pays for others, but I always make sure its fair. He's happy with it.

dariuszm_d_ avatar
Dariusz M. D.
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My girlfriend, from time to time wants to pay in a restaurant, when the bill is not too high. I know, it is cute. She hands me her credit card to pay. What's with that? I invite suggestions.

9unicorn avatar
Mickie Shea
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Your not still with this looser here you. BTW the guy paying is really ingrained in the 40's plus group. I know. When appropriate I do allow my dates to pay. I smile and still turn a bit red.

philemore avatar
moeless
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Why was the comment "Epic" hidden behind a click-gate?

philemore avatar
moeless
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've always loved it when the female drives, pays, whatever. Doesn't bother me.

noneanon avatar
Random Anon
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ego: Fragile. Why though? What is the dollar cost to an ounce of ego really?

mostavis avatar
Damo Lee Park
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

my missus went to pass me her card when she paid for my video game one time. I took it, grumbled, and made a big deal about how she was paying cos I was broke. No need to be insecure, I got me a woman who can pay when I can't, that's awesome

axception avatar
PanCott
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I feel like any person who added more than two responses in this thread has made some crazy sh!t up just for the sake of it. And some ridiculous ones, too.

ksltate avatar
Kathy Lord Tate
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Her name would be on the card, not his. Wouldn't be too hard for a server to notice a female name instead of a male name unless it's a crossover name like Chris.

phil-lucas avatar
Lucas
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Mine doesn't have a title or my full name, just my initials and surname.

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manda_shay_barnes avatar
MandaPanda
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

But wait, correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't the card he hand the server have her name on it? So remind me what the point is in handing the server the card when it's clearly not your card and you are not "handling it"??

info_884 avatar
Alex Bailey
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I see what you mean but how often do you think the server really bothers to read the name on the card? When they are handling 100s a day? Plus mine only has initials and last name, not my full name. No-one would have a clue with mine. Though I rarely have to hand a card over, it is mostly contactless payments in the UK these days. Hold the card over the machine, BEEP, done.

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Pepper Pots
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Gulp..I usually hand my partner my card, I dont want him to feel bad

mintyminameow avatar
Mewton’s Third Paw
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Hahahahahahaaaa man that’s pathetic. And also, relatable. I dated a guy like that once. Not quite S extreme but still the same type. Why not just be happy that we as a couple have money?

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Bill
Community Member
2 years ago

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

Why? Kinda proves she isn't there for his money publically

onemessylady avatar
Aunt Messy
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Because it's a d**k move. He's an asshole who's frightened to let a woman pay for food? What kind of asshole is frightened that his balls will fall off if someone feeds him?

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“In comparison,” he continued: “most videos have five to ten times more likes than comments. If you are not a man who sexually harasses women, why would you be triggered by this study? I realized it's because 'being a man' has become the defining characteristic of men’s self-identity.”

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Rich also said that “Pointing out how problematic typical male behavior has become is perceived by men as a personal attack.” According to him, “until men can realize that their biological sex is no more than a scientific category, they’ll be unable to truly define their self-identity.”

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Dana Dara
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I feel like this question does matter. There is a lifestyle/personality difference between a woman who’s slept with a couple of men and one that’s slept with like 100. If you answer and the guy shames you, that’s one thing. If you ask him and he says his number being high is different than yours being high, that’s bs. But asking in itself isn’t toxic.

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Speaking of the answers he received, Rich said a few of them caught him by surprise, “more so because of how accurate and detailed many of the responses were. Just about all of these behaviors are the manifestation of outdated societal norms that men are told to abide by.”

“Things like driving a lifted truck, unnecessary assertions of dominance, and disliking anything feminine were common responses. Those behaviors seem so ridiculous when looked at from an objective standpoint.”

#7

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Donkey boi
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Me and my wife blame each other for everything as a... sort-of-joke (I don't really want to use 'Joke' but can't think of another word that fits). She farts, then says 'Babe that's disgusting!' and I say 'sorry'. I'll forget to put something away, then say, 'Oh Darling, you've left this stuff everywhere!' and She'll say 'Sorry. Can you deal with it for me now?'

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“The beauty of the time we live in is that you get to be whoever you want,” Rich said and added: “Don't do yourself the injustice of using outdated gender stereotypes and norms to create your identity. Stop putting value in the contemporary ideals of what is masculine and what is feminine.”

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“Masculinity is defined,” he concluded, “as having the traits of someone who identifies as a man. If you identify as a man, you are already masculine. You get to decide what masculinity means for you.”

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JXXXF
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Everyone who has ever played team sports and had to have a communal shower knows the foot/p*nis size thing is a myth... in fact, its more of an insecurity from those who have big feet but are ashamed of the size of their manhood...

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Queen Jackson.
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Also, if you tell a friend you’re bisexual and the first thing they wonder is if you like them or have a crush on them, think about that. Not telling you what to do, but just think about it.

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Rich’s TikTok audience is expanding rapidly, but he assured us that he never wanted to be an influencer. “Even calling myself an influencer feels so ridiculous. I was always the person behind the camera. I worked with a few social media celebrities when I was starting as a photographer and videographer creating viral content on platforms like Snapchat and Instagram,” the author confessed.

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Mojones
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Isn't this when they don't want to date trans girls, only born girls? Makes sense for me to give it a name.

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#14

Insecure-Men-Masculinity-Signs

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Deborah B
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Speaking as someone currently on her period, I can confirm that periods are gross. And man, woman, or other, any one is entitled to be grossed out by used sanitary products or menstrual blood left on the loo seat. That said, unused sanitary supplies are not gross, and a man secure in his masculinity should not hesitate to buy them for the women in his life if requested to do so.

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“However, my life's goal has always been to do everything possible to save the planet. As I got older, I started to realize that without copious amounts of money, the only way I could have a substantial impact would be to put myself both behind and in front of the camera. That's when I started utilizing everything I had learned in the years creating content for influencers for my own content.”

#15

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Viviane
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I need one of those insecure men as a referee this morning. Hubby and I are fighting over who gets to wear the forest green sweater in the Zoom meeting.

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Viviane
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"I'd share with you, but I know tough guys don't eat chocolate." Yum, I get the whole box to myself.

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#17

Insecure-Men-Masculinity-Signs

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Brendan
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have to admit that, in my teenage years, I denied liking anything feminine (such as rom coms and soppy love songs). I now look back and laugh at the old me.

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Rich believes that as much as virality hinges on luck, “the only people that get lucky creating viral videos are the ones actively trying to create them. Fight to get to the front of the line so you have the highest chance of actually getting what you want,” he concluded.

#19

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Donkey boi
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm on the fence. I understand who this is targeting (the same people that say 'all lives matter'), but the phrase doesn't belong to one group and one subject matter alone. A girl at work has just split up from her boyfriend, she says 'All men are arseholes' I say, 'most of them, yeah', But when she asks me why all men cheat, I will say, 'Not all men, just the ones you've dated so far.'

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#20

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Donkey boi
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As a former heavy drinker, I can quite happily say that the best alcoholic drinks are the one that don't taste like your drinking alcohol. If you like the taste, drink it! But please drink responsibly.

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#22

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Lauren Caswell
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've had that tried on me, but I have a killer grip strength so they only try it once :) still hurts tho! (Edit: my legs are ok-ish for walking and not much else, So I do most chores purely on arm strength where possible, hence crazy grip. One of my only physical strengths ^-^)

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#23

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Jaekry
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Men can wear whatever they want; nice clothes, nice shoes, nice haistyles, nice rings, nice jewelry, nice nails. You know,... like ALL ppl... ;)

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#25

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JXXXF
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

European here, unpopular opinion here... I just don't get the US obsession with trucks full stop... they are ugly, slow, poorly made, a massive waste of space, drive awfully and almost everyone who has one just uses it for their commute or to pop down to Walmart...

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#26

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Bobert Robertson
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Wait what? People don't like when a woman compliments them on their appearance? It's nice to hear from anyone, male or female, that you look good today

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#28

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JXXXF
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I am sorry but stating their opinion is fine, taking it further by trying to belittle them or make fun of them is where the line is crossed...

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