After I Attempted Suicide, I Photographed Myself In A Psychiatric Hospital To Calm My Head
I was 20, studying photography and, as they say, living life the fullest. But that was not the real me. That real me was planning to put an end to my life, to stop that war in my head. I suffered from an eating disorder a couple of years ago. After intensive therapy, I was cured and able to study again. A year later, I had to accept that my mental health was still horribly bad, and I searched for another psychologist. With this psychologist, who thought I was suffering from my mental disorder again, I survived in these circumstances for about a year. Then, on a Wednesday morning, I said goodbye to my cat and fell asleep for good, I wished.
But I awoke in a hospital and was admitted to the psychiatric section after one day of solving other health issues. The first day I made a portrait of myself, as I did before the hospitalization whenever I felt lonely, miserable, or angry. I felt a short relief after that. My camera was left behind in my apartment, so I used my phone. My boyfriend brought my camera the day after, and I started portraying myself in this horrible situation. Every time I had a portrait photography session, I felt that short relief and calmness in my head. It helped me deal with all the emotions that were overwhelming me. I honestly felt like I was going to explode if I couldn’t express myself, so my camera saved me that way.
I hope my UCP-UMCG project (the name of the psychiatric department) will hit many people, especially people who need to see they’re not alone. But I also want people who have no idea what’s behind the closed door of a psychiatric hospital department, to see the pain and fear that will overwhelm any patient. That people in psychiatric hospitals are not crazy but feel like going crazy. And that is the worst feeling I ever had reflected in a series of dark images.
More info: laurahospes.com
I was 20, studying photography, living life the fullest. But that was not the real me. That real me was planning to put an end to my life, to stop that war in my head
I suffered from an eating disorder and my mental health was horribly bad. On a Wednesday morning, I said goodbye to my cat and fell asleep for good, I wished
I awaked in hospital, and admitted to the psychiatric section after one day of physical recovering
The first day I made a portrait of myself, as I did before the hospitalization whenever I felt lonely, miserable or angry. I felt a short relief after that
I started portraying myself in this horrible situation. It helped me dealing with all the emotions that were overwhelming me
I honestly felt like I was going to explode if I couldn’t express myself, so my camera saved me that way
Later, I started sharing my pictures and the story behind them
My parent were glad I shared my story so they could follow my emotional rollercoaster and could be there for me as they thought I needed it
I hope my UCP-UMCG project will hit many people, especially people who need to see they’re not alone
I also want people who have no idea what’s behind the closed door of a psychiatric hospital department, to see the pain and fear that will overwhelm any patient
That people in psychiatric hospitals are not crazy, but feel like going crazy. And that is the worst feeling I ever had
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Share on FacebookThank you so much for sharing these pictures and your story. I am recovering from a breakdown and currently in therapy, so I know how it feels to be suicidal. Keep up the recovery. Best wishes xx
I'm actually surprised you could have a camera let alone your phone, I wasn't allowed to have those things. Or even watch the news channel..
I couldnt have my cell phone, or a camera. We could watch tv, but I think we were in group when the news was on.
Load More Replies...I'm wondering how you took these high quality selfies in an institution. I wouldn't think they'd let you have the equipment. Glad they did, they are very telling....
It must not have been an american hospitals as cell phones are considered a danger to the patient and other patients as well as an invasion of privacy.
I just went back home from 1 month in a psychiatric hospital at my self. I saw your pics and begin to cry. I so clearly see your pain, but it isnt makes me feel "not alone" , it rather reminds me how alone a human can feel! Wish you peace in mind <3
Thank you for these very moving photographs. I suffer from depression and anxiety and have attempted suicide before. I feel like you really showed what it is like. Thank you.
We weren't allowed pencils without a nurse 2 ft away, I'm calling BS
Haunting and beautiful. I know how crippling it is to be mentally unwell. These pictures resonated with me very deeply.
I hope you recover. Please know that life is amazing, just look past the dark parts of life. Live life to the fullest, after all, you were created for a reason.
Very powerful and those eyes, those eyes just draw you in, eyes that speak it all! I pray that this was a turning point and healing stage for you and that everyday that goes by that you will learn to love yourself and find happiness in the littlest things. Thank you for sharing.
You pictures are great and very impressive. Beeing depressive myself, I can imagine very well how you felt. I didn't attemp to commit suicide, but I was close to it for several times... Me and my wife also managed to make a fotographic series on the subject of depression. Here https://einedepression.wordpress.com/ and here: http://www.brigitte.de/gesund/gesundheit/depression-bilder-1227635/ All the best to you, stay safe!! Best regards from Switzerland. Felix
Thank you for showing, through your haunting photographs, what it feels like to have depression and anxiety. You did a great job showing what it's like to want to kill yourself, don't know how you did it, but you really did. So, thank you.
Not crazy but feel like going crazy...says it all. Beautiful, touching and connectable study. Thank you for sharing.
I've not been in this situation before, but i've imagined myself in this situation.. This applies to everybody lifes situation.
Thank you for sharing this; I've been in your boat and the sea was vast and ominous.
Nice story... I wish you all the best... you are such an inspiration for me, who is also going through breakdowns and trying to express myself...
To those of the hundreds of thousands who have been in that same frame of mind.....we understand. But because of this, you will go on to go incredible things, touching lives that you will never know about and the world is richer, more joyful because you are in it.
Really powerful! Thank you for letting us into your pain and wonderful talent!
I hope you know that you are a very beautiful girl, both inside and out!
Girl you need Jesus to fill ur heart. you will find n have wonderful life. but photo was great.
"And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient,..." _ i hope this will help check this out : http://quran.com/2
Thank you so much for sharing these pictures and your story. I am recovering from a breakdown and currently in therapy, so I know how it feels to be suicidal. Keep up the recovery. Best wishes xx
I'm actually surprised you could have a camera let alone your phone, I wasn't allowed to have those things. Or even watch the news channel..
I couldnt have my cell phone, or a camera. We could watch tv, but I think we were in group when the news was on.
Load More Replies...I'm wondering how you took these high quality selfies in an institution. I wouldn't think they'd let you have the equipment. Glad they did, they are very telling....
It must not have been an american hospitals as cell phones are considered a danger to the patient and other patients as well as an invasion of privacy.
I just went back home from 1 month in a psychiatric hospital at my self. I saw your pics and begin to cry. I so clearly see your pain, but it isnt makes me feel "not alone" , it rather reminds me how alone a human can feel! Wish you peace in mind <3
Thank you for these very moving photographs. I suffer from depression and anxiety and have attempted suicide before. I feel like you really showed what it is like. Thank you.
We weren't allowed pencils without a nurse 2 ft away, I'm calling BS
Haunting and beautiful. I know how crippling it is to be mentally unwell. These pictures resonated with me very deeply.
I hope you recover. Please know that life is amazing, just look past the dark parts of life. Live life to the fullest, after all, you were created for a reason.
Very powerful and those eyes, those eyes just draw you in, eyes that speak it all! I pray that this was a turning point and healing stage for you and that everyday that goes by that you will learn to love yourself and find happiness in the littlest things. Thank you for sharing.
You pictures are great and very impressive. Beeing depressive myself, I can imagine very well how you felt. I didn't attemp to commit suicide, but I was close to it for several times... Me and my wife also managed to make a fotographic series on the subject of depression. Here https://einedepression.wordpress.com/ and here: http://www.brigitte.de/gesund/gesundheit/depression-bilder-1227635/ All the best to you, stay safe!! Best regards from Switzerland. Felix
Thank you for showing, through your haunting photographs, what it feels like to have depression and anxiety. You did a great job showing what it's like to want to kill yourself, don't know how you did it, but you really did. So, thank you.
Not crazy but feel like going crazy...says it all. Beautiful, touching and connectable study. Thank you for sharing.
I've not been in this situation before, but i've imagined myself in this situation.. This applies to everybody lifes situation.
Thank you for sharing this; I've been in your boat and the sea was vast and ominous.
Nice story... I wish you all the best... you are such an inspiration for me, who is also going through breakdowns and trying to express myself...
To those of the hundreds of thousands who have been in that same frame of mind.....we understand. But because of this, you will go on to go incredible things, touching lives that you will never know about and the world is richer, more joyful because you are in it.
Really powerful! Thank you for letting us into your pain and wonderful talent!
I hope you know that you are a very beautiful girl, both inside and out!
Girl you need Jesus to fill ur heart. you will find n have wonderful life. but photo was great.
"And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient,..." _ i hope this will help check this out : http://quran.com/2
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