My father drinks. A lot. He’s been drinking for quite a while, I think even before I was born. But sober or not, he’s just not a good person. He threatens us and says horrible things.
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My mother is a recovering alcoholic. And while she was mean and nasty when she was drinking, staying sober these past 20 years has not done a lot to improve her personality. She's actually gotten gradually worse in the past few years. I think she mainly is lonely because the people around her that are still alive are still suffering from the scars of the abuse she heaped on them every time she climbed into a bottle. But her life was her choice and not mine to fix. I have my own life with people that depend on me and I do not have the ability to waste time on someone whose motive is to make me feel like c**p to make themselves feel better. I broke away from it. If you have someone with an alcohol problem in your family, it is not up to you to fix it...it is up to you to survive it. And sometimes that means leaving them. Don't for a minute think that you can force a cure on them..and don't think for a minute that their problem is your fault. Save yourself.
I can’t believe how many people buy into the myth that when someone stops drinking or drugging they suddenly become angels. My sister is a junkie. She has been since she was 14. She’s 53 now. Guess what? She’d be the same a*****e if she quit drugs that she was before she started. ...///... With alcohol, people lose their internal filters. They don’t “change”. They just show who they really are because they can’t hide it.
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Get out of that situation as soon as you can find a safe path. There are better people in the world to be around. If you’re under age, and able to start working, you might try getting legally emancipated due to parental irresponsibility. It’s not your job to fix your parents. They’ve failed in their social contract to be proper parents. NOT YOUR FAULT. Also, check into local social support services. Again: this is NOT YOUR FAULT and NOT your responsibility.
Your father has a disease and your mother is an enabler. I urge you to seek out a support group for Children of Alcoholics for both you and your brother so that you can get some help dealing with the destructive fallout from his alcoholism, and so that both of you can help break the cycle. Wishing you well.
The violence and threats have nothing to do with the drinking. He’d be violent and threatening if he was stone cold sober. That’s a CHOICE. The alcohol? Not so much of a choice any more.
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Sounds so familiar. My Mom, to this day, defends my Dad (He passed away 9 years ago). She talks about an injury he suffered before any of us were born. She also claims that he had un-diagnosed Bi-polar depression.The truth is, that he was just plain mean and violent. She never protected us from him. I'm glad that this young lady has learned to stand up for herself. Hopefully, her brother will be able to. It concerns me that she may have depression (I wonder why???). She needs to seek a counselor who can listen to her and help her get treatment if needed.
my mother will fight harder to defend the abusers, than she ever would fight to protect those she allowed to be abused. In the world of an enabler, their entire identity relies upon keeping those abusers "happy", even if that means sacrificing anyone who tries to step in and stop the abuse. It's truly f*cked up... and the ONLY true solution I've ever known, seen, or experienced, is to let them, and their co-dependent screwed-up relationship be by themselves. The only thing worse than the abuser, are the ones who allow it. I'm sorry you had such an experience, and that your mum still refuses to have your back.
Load More Replies... what's worse than the abuser, are those who let it happen. I came from a family of abusers and enablers. The best thing I ever did, was get the hell out, as soon as I was legally able to. The ability to reproduce, does not make people either good, or good parents. From experience, this is what I'd wished someone had told me: 1. get a job. 2. save everything you can. 3. build a career in that job... AND 4. study!!! Even if it means doing a 100hr week to fund your way through university, it is 100000% worth it!! In solidarity I stand. I wish *YOU* only good things, the courage to leave, and the ability to create your own safe place to be.
My father drinks religiously. He drives while drunk, plays extremely loud rock music when we're trying to sleep, then stands over us and says "Do you think you matter? You're nothing." as we're again trying to sleep. He breaks our belongings, he threatens to evict us, he hoards the money - he makes $3k a month and my mother and siblings still live like they're in poverty. He's a conspiracy theorist, but no good kind, shoving it in our faces and telling us we're idiots when we don't listen, calling people we care about in the community pedophiles and satanists. Tries to control us and convert us to his strange religion, hangs symbols and threatening speeches all over the house. And when he does anything good, says anything nice, fixes or provides, he'll hang it over our heads, and use it against us. It's okay not to love someone in your family. Blood is not thicker than water, and you may end up born to some not so great people. And it's okay not to love them. At least, pray for them.
Your father has some serious mental health problems. Sadly, it sounds like he would never admit he has a problem or seek treatment. I hope you were able/ will be able to escape this situation.
Load More Replies... As Lorrie said before, please visit a support group for Children of Alcoholics like Al-Anon. Take your brother with you. Search for help. Talk to a teacher or another person you trust. Your mother will not help you, your father can´t. It is his own task. His own bad childhood is no excuse for his abusive bahaviour. He should know better. And: it is never, never your responsibility, nor your mother´s,to help your father. Get out, as soon as you can. Search for help, financial and emotional. Be stronger than him. Care for yourself. It´s getting better. I believe in you and will pray for you and your brother. Best wishes for you both
My dad rarely drank. His father and brother were alcoholics. My dad abused prescription drugs. But I think that the abuse occurred because he was just a mean, controlling person. And the drugs made it worse. Ironically, his brother held a good job all his life, made good money, and took care of his family. My dad seldom worked, neglected his children, and created a home life that was total chaos.
Alcohol doesn't change a person's personality, it just takes off the brakes and removes their inhibitions. So the personality you see while that person is drunk usually is the real personality, sad to say.
What RS Potter said. Sad, but absolutely true, from my experience working in bars.
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Of course he ****ing knows that he's doing it! Alcohol doesn't change people, it just strips away the social mask and reveals the real person underneath. There's no "deeper truth" to be learned, other than that he's too selfish to quit drinking and get therapy and stop abusing his children.
Load More Replies... My mother is a recovering alcoholic. And while she was mean and nasty when she was drinking, staying sober these past 20 years has not done a lot to improve her personality. She's actually gotten gradually worse in the past few years. I think she mainly is lonely because the people around her that are still alive are still suffering from the scars of the abuse she heaped on them every time she climbed into a bottle. But her life was her choice and not mine to fix. I have my own life with people that depend on me and I do not have the ability to waste time on someone whose motive is to make me feel like c**p to make themselves feel better. I broke away from it. If you have someone with an alcohol problem in your family, it is not up to you to fix it...it is up to you to survive it. And sometimes that means leaving them. Don't for a minute think that you can force a cure on them..and don't think for a minute that their problem is your fault. Save yourself.
I can’t believe how many people buy into the myth that when someone stops drinking or drugging they suddenly become angels. My sister is a junkie. She has been since she was 14. She’s 53 now. Guess what? She’d be the same a*****e if she quit drugs that she was before she started. ...///... With alcohol, people lose their internal filters. They don’t “change”. They just show who they really are because they can’t hide it.
Load More Replies... Get out of that situation as soon as you can find a safe path. There are better people in the world to be around. If you’re under age, and able to start working, you might try getting legally emancipated due to parental irresponsibility. It’s not your job to fix your parents. They’ve failed in their social contract to be proper parents. NOT YOUR FAULT. Also, check into local social support services. Again: this is NOT YOUR FAULT and NOT your responsibility.
Your father has a disease and your mother is an enabler. I urge you to seek out a support group for Children of Alcoholics for both you and your brother so that you can get some help dealing with the destructive fallout from his alcoholism, and so that both of you can help break the cycle. Wishing you well.
The violence and threats have nothing to do with the drinking. He’d be violent and threatening if he was stone cold sober. That’s a CHOICE. The alcohol? Not so much of a choice any more.
Load More Replies... Sounds so familiar. My Mom, to this day, defends my Dad (He passed away 9 years ago). She talks about an injury he suffered before any of us were born. She also claims that he had un-diagnosed Bi-polar depression.The truth is, that he was just plain mean and violent. She never protected us from him. I'm glad that this young lady has learned to stand up for herself. Hopefully, her brother will be able to. It concerns me that she may have depression (I wonder why???). She needs to seek a counselor who can listen to her and help her get treatment if needed.
my mother will fight harder to defend the abusers, than she ever would fight to protect those she allowed to be abused. In the world of an enabler, their entire identity relies upon keeping those abusers "happy", even if that means sacrificing anyone who tries to step in and stop the abuse. It's truly f*cked up... and the ONLY true solution I've ever known, seen, or experienced, is to let them, and their co-dependent screwed-up relationship be by themselves. The only thing worse than the abuser, are the ones who allow it. I'm sorry you had such an experience, and that your mum still refuses to have your back.
Load More Replies... what's worse than the abuser, are those who let it happen. I came from a family of abusers and enablers. The best thing I ever did, was get the hell out, as soon as I was legally able to. The ability to reproduce, does not make people either good, or good parents. From experience, this is what I'd wished someone had told me: 1. get a job. 2. save everything you can. 3. build a career in that job... AND 4. study!!! Even if it means doing a 100hr week to fund your way through university, it is 100000% worth it!! In solidarity I stand. I wish *YOU* only good things, the courage to leave, and the ability to create your own safe place to be.
My father drinks religiously. He drives while drunk, plays extremely loud rock music when we're trying to sleep, then stands over us and says "Do you think you matter? You're nothing." as we're again trying to sleep. He breaks our belongings, he threatens to evict us, he hoards the money - he makes $3k a month and my mother and siblings still live like they're in poverty. He's a conspiracy theorist, but no good kind, shoving it in our faces and telling us we're idiots when we don't listen, calling people we care about in the community pedophiles and satanists. Tries to control us and convert us to his strange religion, hangs symbols and threatening speeches all over the house. And when he does anything good, says anything nice, fixes or provides, he'll hang it over our heads, and use it against us. It's okay not to love someone in your family. Blood is not thicker than water, and you may end up born to some not so great people. And it's okay not to love them. At least, pray for them.
Your father has some serious mental health problems. Sadly, it sounds like he would never admit he has a problem or seek treatment. I hope you were able/ will be able to escape this situation.
Load More Replies... As Lorrie said before, please visit a support group for Children of Alcoholics like Al-Anon. Take your brother with you. Search for help. Talk to a teacher or another person you trust. Your mother will not help you, your father can´t. It is his own task. His own bad childhood is no excuse for his abusive bahaviour. He should know better. And: it is never, never your responsibility, nor your mother´s,to help your father. Get out, as soon as you can. Search for help, financial and emotional. Be stronger than him. Care for yourself. It´s getting better. I believe in you and will pray for you and your brother. Best wishes for you both
My dad rarely drank. His father and brother were alcoholics. My dad abused prescription drugs. But I think that the abuse occurred because he was just a mean, controlling person. And the drugs made it worse. Ironically, his brother held a good job all his life, made good money, and took care of his family. My dad seldom worked, neglected his children, and created a home life that was total chaos.
Alcohol doesn't change a person's personality, it just takes off the brakes and removes their inhibitions. So the personality you see while that person is drunk usually is the real personality, sad to say.
What RS Potter said. Sad, but absolutely true, from my experience working in bars.
Load More Replies... Of course he ****ing knows that he's doing it! Alcohol doesn't change people, it just strips away the social mask and reveals the real person underneath. There's no "deeper truth" to be learned, other than that he's too selfish to quit drinking and get therapy and stop abusing his children.
Load More Replies...
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