I Am Really Lost And Don’t Know What I Should Be Doing With My Life. I Draw Though.
Lately I am stuck in a black hole. And it is sucking me in daily.
http://www.instagram.com/thelefthandedalien
More info: Instagram
I always try to do things
I was so sure that I am going to be an artist. A great one. What I didn’t took into account was how. I am always bragging about how I will learn this and how I will do that but never really accomplishing anything. I try to be consistent but consistency was never my strong suit. I move from one interest to another never really felt attached to one. I draw, illustrate, tried to paint, tried to write, tried to animate, tried to teach. I am no more than a symbol for trying. I never felt like I’ve succeeded in anything.
When I was a kid I drew all of the time. Papers, scratch papers, grade 3 pad, at the back of notebooks, I was so proud then, but nobody was with me. Now they are proud of what I can do but I am the one looking for thing to be proud of. I graduated with a degree in arts, multimedia, but even with my diploma, I never felt like that justified me being something. I am now taking my Masters and still trying to find where I wanna go and what I want to do. Its funny how you know what you’ll be but stuck finding out how to be… you.
Every single day I try to be creative.
What is an artist anyway? What are the standards? What are the requirements? I feel trap, a waste of space. Stuck in a loop of trying to define myself. Let alone give meaning to my life. I work at a university, teaching students to animate and illustrate. I see them improve, and happy with what they accomplished during our classes and I long for that feeling, again. Feeling of excitement and happiness with creating something. Being a part of something good. Nowadays, I feel alone. Always.
Lately I never felt like doing anything at all.
Most days I lay in bed. Tirelessly watching videos on my smartphone hoping to find an answer to what I am experiencing. Quarter life crisis? Depression? Anxiety? I hope to find a solution. To move on from this mess of a life. Interesting enough I do feel like I’m floating on space. No wind to push me. No gravity to hold me. I remain stagnant and trap without meaning. Just like the word artist, I never found what its means to be one.
Maybe?
I know from the outside looking in, It may not be that bad, what my life looks like, feels like. I try to convince myself to look that way too. But my mind never lets me. Im bombarded with ideas that I can never turn into reality and it makes me sad.
Maybe I was never meant to be what I thought I could be. Maybe I’m just an average person who needs an average job to accept an average life. Maybe I wasn’t meant to be great. Maybe not even average.
231views
Share on Facebook
It sounds like you are dealing with depression. You shouldn't make decisions about your life or who you are when you're depressed. Take with a doctor about some tools to deal with depression. It's a chemical imbalance not a definition of your self. Once you start seeing more light in the world, then look into potential futures. it'll be much easier and there will be more happier paths. It's normal and expected to feel hopeless about your future when you're depressed- everything is harder. Take the first step (address depression) and don't worry about the next steps yet. The best times are ahead of you! Step out of the quicksand
I found my self in a similar conundrum a few years ago. My creative outlet was always sculpture. After being let down so many times in all aspects of life I entered an almost catatonic state and the only thing I would do is draw and sculpt. I q you t working, sleeping, and pretty much eating. but I'd still create. Eventually I started coming together again and with research and inspiration from other creators I found a way to make a compfortable living just doing freelance and selling my work. I'm not rich by any means but I now live a humble and joyous life. If you remove yourself from the world and continue to create you will find your path.
Creativity means more than just trying . It evaluates , changes , or , adapts ,&, requires an inner strength if success is your goal . Your lack of focus, frequent flitting into other mediums can be normal, but, as a RN , I wonder if you have adult attention deficit disorder. Many creative people do , &, can be medicated with good results. Your depression is called situational, &, there are real changes in the brain with both of these. Please see a doctor. There is not one thing wrong with being average Most people are .
These sketches are beautiful. Hoping you find something that makes you happy
It sounds like you are dealing with depression. You shouldn't make decisions about your life or who you are when you're depressed. Take with a doctor about some tools to deal with depression. It's a chemical imbalance not a definition of your self. Once you start seeing more light in the world, then look into potential futures. it'll be much easier and there will be more happier paths. It's normal and expected to feel hopeless about your future when you're depressed- everything is harder. Take the first step (address depression) and don't worry about the next steps yet. The best times are ahead of you! Step out of the quicksand
I found my self in a similar conundrum a few years ago. My creative outlet was always sculpture. After being let down so many times in all aspects of life I entered an almost catatonic state and the only thing I would do is draw and sculpt. I q you t working, sleeping, and pretty much eating. but I'd still create. Eventually I started coming together again and with research and inspiration from other creators I found a way to make a compfortable living just doing freelance and selling my work. I'm not rich by any means but I now live a humble and joyous life. If you remove yourself from the world and continue to create you will find your path.
Creativity means more than just trying . It evaluates , changes , or , adapts ,&, requires an inner strength if success is your goal . Your lack of focus, frequent flitting into other mediums can be normal, but, as a RN , I wonder if you have adult attention deficit disorder. Many creative people do , &, can be medicated with good results. Your depression is called situational, &, there are real changes in the brain with both of these. Please see a doctor. There is not one thing wrong with being average Most people are .
These sketches are beautiful. Hoping you find something that makes you happy
10
6