Woman Puts A Lock On Her Home Office Because Of Her Husband’s Constant Interrupting, Later Learns He Removed It
Whether we like it or not, not that long ago, some of us were forced to start working from home as going to the office wasn’t possible because of the pandemic. For some, it might be a joy working from home as it’s a place where a person feels most comfortable and productive. And who doesn’t want to have that extra time in the morning, not needing to rush through the door and sit in traffic, instead just wearing comfortable clothes and having a cup of coffee? It’s no secret that not everyone appreciates it as they don’t feel good having to work from home and not being able to focus there, especially if they don’t live alone, not having that much space to have a proper “home office,” or being drained by the feeling as if they’re working 24/7. Reddit user @u/DaliaRod547, who works from home, decided to share the situation she found herself in and ask other Reddit users to share their points of view on the matter. The story that she shared on the platform received more than 9k upvotes and was filled with thousands of comments.
More Info: Reddit
While working from home might sound like a dream, many struggle to keep their productivity up in this setting
Image credits: arifm (not the actual photo)
The author of the post revealed that when she started working from home, her husband treated it as if she was not really working and thus bothered her with various things. The woman saw that her partner was diminishing her work because he didn’t believe in such a concept as working from home, and because of this reason, she decided to put a lock on the room that serves as her home office. Instead of having a discussion about the clear problem, the man got offended by seeing the lock and decided to remove it. This is when an argument between the couple ensued, the husband shouting at his wife that it’s “his house” and he should be able to access any room he wants.
Reddit user wanted to know if she was too harsh with her husband who removed a lock from her home office door
Image credits: DaliaRod547
The woman shared that her husband keeps interrupting her work, so she decided to install a door lock
Image credits: DaliaRod547
The words said by her husband didn’t sit well with the woman, and so she told him what she thought about the whole situation, how this way he is jeopardizing her career. The conversation soon grew into a full argument where the husband started accusing her of not taking proper care of the family and instead choosing her job. After this, he left the house and soon enough his mom’s berating followed. This is when the woman started thinking about whether she was right in this whole situation.
After the husband saw the lock, he uninstalled it, starting an argument between him and his wife
Image credits: DaliaRod547
Many users online supported the woman and the way she reacted to her husband’s outburst, suggesting that she should interpret such behavior as a red flag. The Reddit users were appalled by the man saying that it’s his house and he should be allowed to go where he wants, when he wants. For some, it was weird that instead of having an adult conversation with his wife, the man went to his mom and started talking badly about his wife. What do you think about this situation? Don’t forget to leave your thoughts in the comments down below!
The woman felt as if he didn’t respect her and her work and the man thought that she was neglecting him and the family
Image credits: John Keane (not the actual photo)
For those who would like to appreciate the benefits of working from home but are afraid that by doing so, their productivity levels are going to decrease, here are some useful tips shared by an insurance company called Travelers. The first thing that a person needs to do in order to avoid the situation that the Reddit user found herself in is to talk to your family members about your work hours and create a schedule that would suit everyone. While it’s nice to be able to work from a bedroom or while sitting on a couch, it’s better to have a designated work space or a home office where you can work in silence. One of the things that helps you to be more productive and to do more is by getting up earlier and getting ready for the day as if you needed to head out to the office. Despite having the ability to sleep longer, use that time to do some important things during the “quiet hours”.
The thing that takes up most of our time is the constant checking of our phone, or, to be more specific, various social media channels. So to not get distracted, put your phone away for when you’re working as you can always check the news and what your friends are up to on your breaks. Another important thing that will help you to stay productive is planning: from to-do lists to meal prepping, these are the things that, once done, lift the chaos and stress from your shoulders, allowing you to focus on your work.
Not knowing if she’s right, the Reddit user asked other people’s opinions on the matter
Image credits: DaliaRod547
Many users online supported the woman and thought that the husband was showing a lot of red flags with such behavior
Image credits: MART PRODUCTION (not the actual photo)
Image credits: DaliaRod547
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Rent office space tell husband rent is 300 bucks more a month then it really costs. When asked why you rent it tell him the constant distractions are going to get you fired and he will lose his meal ticket.
If this is a room dedicated to your office, get a double deadbolt. You can lock it with a key from either side. If he doesn't like it, let him cry to mommy. He just doesn't want to parent or be a house husband. Time to kick him back to mommy.
Great point! If he's crying to his mum (and not just venting) and tattling to get his wife in trouble/getting his mother to fight his battles, he's not responsible enough to parent anyone's child.
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Right?! Why have any of us been taught that this BS is normal or even ok? Block Mommy Dearest's number. If she wants to chat with the grandkids she can cut the cord and learn to be civil.
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He's the AH. Divorce this guy. He can manage "his household" full time and his kids 50% of the time. He uses his mom to bully you when his bullying fails. There's no respect. This is a manchild. You can definitely do better.
Yes. I hope she runs and doesn't walk away from this overgrown toddler.
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So he has no regard for the breadwinner's work time, runs bawling to tattle to Mommy that he's actually expected to observe some boundaries, couldn't care less if the person supporting him gets fired for his antics......
this happens to me too, early pandemic era, I have to keep constantly reminding him that I'm working, not taking a leave
Load More Replies... My 12 year old - who hit me on the head with a play sword during a teams session with my boss - is more responsible in his behavior than this husband.
Girl. I raised my kids to not raise their voice, hand or anything else to me when they were 3. What is cute in a kid can become problematic as they age. My oldest is 40, youngest is 25 and to this day, no one disobeys these things. EVER.
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I have an ex that never had a high stress or busy job the whole time we were together. During our so called relationship she cost me 2 jobs that I absolutely loved. I was extremely busy and had to be completely focused as to not make mistakes seeing as how if there was a mistake I would have to backtrack to find it which could possibly take hours or possibly even days. She was constantly texting to the tune of 300 or more and calling more than 100. I'd turn off my personal phone to get some quiet time but somehow she got my work phone number and started in on it. It got to be so disruptive that id have to stop everything and respond to her and in turn my work suffered the consequences of it. The first job I was fired under the guise of being laid off and the second fired me straight out and ended up telling me I needed to get a grip on my personal life or I'd never succeed at anything. Long story short, find a partner that respects boundaries your life could actually depend on it.
Yes, respect is a two way road. For what it's worth I'm sorry that $hit happened to you.
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Red flag #1.) Spouse installs lock without communication. Red Flag #2.) Spouse uninstalls lock without communication. Do these people ever talk to each other?
She had asked him multiple times before installing the lock. He refused to acknowledge her boundaries so she did what she said she was going to do if he kept threatening her job, the job that keeps them in THEIR home, which he refers to as his alone, despite marriage and children. Yes, they've clearly spoken and one of them decided he didn't HAVE to listen. Was it drastic to install the lock? Yes. Was it clearly necessary because her man child husband has no respect for her or her job? Yes.
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I'd be thinking seriously about whether next time he comes home from work the locks should be changed, and his suitcase waiting for him on the doorstep. He can go stay with mummy until he's ready to grow up.
Have the Sheriff drinking a cup of coffee on the porch when he arrives. When your husband arrives, the Sheriff can confirm his name, then say "You've been served" (with divorce papers) and stick around until he leaves. The Sheriff can let him know that if anything happens to you or the kids that he will be the primary suspect.
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What is it with all these stories about lazy disrespectf men and their toxic Mom's?? Seriously?? How will all these "Man Child" adults cope when mother is no longer around to stroke their ego and interfere in their lives to bully people that set boundaries. The OP is 1000000% not the AH here. Red flags all over the shop with this Husband.
Geez, why do couples bother to get married and have families if they clearly hate each other?
There's an old saying that goes, "Women marry a man hoping one day he'll change with her love. Men marry a woman hoping they won't." She probably thought one day mommy would cut the cord and he'd grow up and he hoped she'd remain his new mommy taking care of and entertaining him forever. It's not hatred so much as two way disappointment. They should absolutely split.
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Been here, never going back. Get rid of him. You're not doing your children or yourself any favors. Your kids are learning that this is the way to treat you. Stop it now
And how to treat women in general. That man baby learned it from his parents in the first place. Hope she runs and breaks the chain.
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Men who have their parents argue their point are pathetic. Huge red flag.
Run from him. And take the kids before they decide a woman's place is under someone's boot.
Buy a doorstop and hide it when you aren’t using it. If he tries kicking down the door, call the police. But this is just a symptom, the marriage is in serious trouble. Counselling or divorece.
I think she needs to go to him and quietly and firmly ask what is this REALLY all about because I think he has picked a fight and audience and she is playing catch up. It's his house...she needs to see if he's cheating on her and ignore this side argument because I've seen it happen to two friends and though was different scenario for me I know men pick fights when cheating and try to exert more control and TEST you. This smells fishy as it escalated too fast because for him it is calculated and been slowly brewing and his lack of respect about work is a symptom of deeper lack of respect she hasn't been paying attention to
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Someone he trusts? Every advice columnist says "talk it through with a trusted person!" and while I suppose a friend might be better than his mum, that was his choice. These people need to TALK to each other... "Look, I need to concentrate when I am working, I can't take a break without notice, i will get reprimanded or demoted or sacked We need to deal with this urgently! Do I go to a coffee shop, or put a lock on the door, or can you and the kids just stay outside my office?".
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My husband is retired and has a habit of reading what he finds interesting on line. He forgets I am working, during a Team's meeting he wandered over and put the kettle on ... quick camera off and mute ... I find it funny but he's got used to my hand signals to be quiet ... we don't have the room for me to have a separate office.
I had this. My gf and I mostly work from home. I usually go in M/F. She goes in Tu. She would constantly interrupt me while I was in meetings. I wear wired earbuds when I am in a meeting so it is easy to tell. The last straw was when I was in a high priority meeting and she interrupted me with some s**t that could have been discussed after. After the meeting I went off on her about how when she is in a meeting I never interrupt her but she has no respect for my job and thinks she can interrupt anytime she wants. She gave me this pitiful excuse about how she couldn't tell I was in a meeting that I called b******t on. She hasn't interrupted since though. I told a friend next time I am going to put myself on mute and act like I am talking to the meeting and ask everyone to pause because my gf has something really, really important to tell me that just can't wait.
OP you are right, lock is appropriate. Steps you might take before divorce court. Sit down with him and the kids. Explain in simple sentences the importance of guarding your work hours. Explain you will need to find office space away from home if they can't understand your need to have structured work time. The interruptions decrease your productivity and could get you fired, you would lose your pay check that contributes to house hold income. Maybe come up with break times to give hugs to kids and hubby, etc. Now about his mommy, YUK, meet with her face to face and explain in simple English the importance of your income contribution to the home. Explain that working from home is as important as driving to a job and clocking in and out. To be the most productive, prevent getting fired and losing that income you need uninterrupted work time. You hope that everyone will understand and give you the space you need to do your job. Remind hubby that it is OUR home. Otherwise send him to mom
I agree with you up to the point of explaining the situation to her MIL. Clearly she is meddling in OP's affairs and needs to be reminded of the boundaries. OP's husband needs to be given an obvious choice: respect HER boundaries for work time or go home to Mommy. Give him no more than 10 seconds to decide. If he has to "think about it," he's already decided. Her paycheck depends on getting her work done correctly and efficiently. Hubby has an ego problem which either needs to be dealt with, or packed up with the rest of his belongings and promptly evicted.
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Get one of those hotel style locks that you can use and then hide when done. And talk to your kids that when u are in that room they have to wait. He's a big baby. Tell him to go stay w mommy.
First, I would have told his mom in a respectful way, that you don’t need or care for her advice. Than you give your husband a chose other he respects your space and stop interrupting you when you are working or pack up his thing and go live with his mom. Remind him the house belong to you as much as it belong to him.
Oh, boy. The minute I read that his mommy got involved, I was done. I married a mommy's boy (now divorced!), and let me tell you - it NEVER changes. Everytime he didn't like something or agree with something, she'd be calling me up complaining. Everything was always my fault, because "her precious baby..." OP needs to run. Take the kids and run! Besides, it won't be "his house" anymore if he can't pay bills. Maybe he should learn that the hard way, though....
OP should ask her husband if he's willing to get another job (or 2), so she can tend to kids and home, if she is fired or quits her job. If he expects her to be June Cleaver hell need to step up and be Ward. and be the sole privet for the family. Or maybe his mommy can help him deal with the kids and chores while she's working? Hubby needs to put on his big boy pants and join the 21st century.
My coworkers wife HAS to have a lock on her WFH office door by company policy
My mother was like this. I worked from "home" for a while while living with her (I paid rent, of course, plus contributed to household needs), but her toxic, controlling behavior made my "home" AND work life hell. And this, by the way was a job where I could've gotten in actual legal trouble for such interruptions, even though it wasn't my doing. HIPAA privacy laws are no joke, but she didn't care. It was all about her. OP, take the kids and run like the wind. He's showing you his true character. Believe him and leave this spoiled brat to his mommy.
NTA, man is sabotaging her. Jealousy. Rivalry. He may not be aware he is doing it. My husband did it for years, forcing me to quit work to assuage his insecurities. He repeatedly lied on me to prospective employers if he answered the phone when there were job offers. One of my potential employers told me the things he was saying. He said he was scared I would leave him or find another man at work...really? I agreed to stay home with the kids for years, short circuit my own career for family. When the last kid graduated from college, he went crazy cuz I went back to work. He constantly tried to sabotage me but I moved out of state. Yes, married but separated is a real thing. He ended up literally working himself to death to prove to me abd himself he did not need my money. He died in a car accident after being too tired from overworking and being distracted ( we guess) after I asked for a divorce. By then we were estranged and he was acting crazy and erratic.
I completely understand his feeling of being locked out of a room in his house. I hate that. I also work from home and understand you need to put a lock on it and sometimes soundproof the damn thing to be productive. At the same time my wife runs the domestic parts of my home, she cooks cleans, handles the kids most of the time. She recently decided to go back to school and said "babe I can't cook right now I have a project I HAVE to finish and locked herself in our room." I was shocked! So what did I do? I put my big boy pants on corralled the kids away from the door and made her a delicious shrimp pasta she loves. Cause I would expect her to do the same for me. ITS A TEAM.
I think she needs to go to him and quietly and firmly ask what is this REALLY all about because I think he has picked a fight and audience and she is playing catch up. It's his house...she needs to see if he's cheating on her and ignore this side argument because I've seen it happen to two friends and though was different scenario for me I know men pick fights when cheating and try to exert more control and TEST you. This smells fishy as it escalated too fast because for him it is calculated and been slowly brewing and his lack of respect about work is a symptom of deeper lack of respect she hasn't been paying attention to. Also MIL is gaslighting you! She is backwards and will admit it if you say ma'am reverse the roles and tell him he isn't being a good dad if he doesn't stop work to help our kids when I say so and need him to do it. If she can't admit hypocrisy then tell her she is full of it and lost your respect completely. Tell her to talk to your daddy. Lol
My ex worked sporadically he was unemployed more than employed. Between us we had 5 kids; he had 2, I had 1 and we had 2. All lived with us. I often worked overtime and on Saturdays. He would tell me I thought my job was more important than my family. It's not like he did anything at home. I did all the shopping, house cleaning, cooking, extra curricular activities, doctor appointments, school meetings, homework, etc. And I paid all the bills, Christmas, school clothes daycare.
Why not tell him that you're going to do it if he continues, first?
Gaslighting mama's boy. He obviously doesn't respect his wife. I'd leave him. And his MIL is old school & sexist.
Run, don't walk, away ASAP. I divorced my husband 20 years ago bc of this kind of attitude and disrespect. Anything he came across that bugged him, he'd just throw away. Empty hangers left on top of dryer, small items left on kitchen windowsill to dry or get a little sun exposure. Something on *my* dresser he didn't like. This intensified to nasty verbal abuse, sulking, physical abuse of my beloved cat - which is the first time I told him if he didn't change his behavior, I would get an apt to use as my "home office," take my cat, and maybe visit occas when he was home from his business trips. Most typical cat's offense was walking on a LR side table. Had it not been my 2nd marriage I'd have left him after 4 months of marriage. Ultimately, my health declined and the verbal and emotional abuse *really* intensified. As soon as I got some hefty back pay on disability benefits, I made plans to get out. He was shocked. Best thing I ever did for myself. Zero regrets. GET OUT.
Get some standards and get rid of that pathetic excuse of a man... He shouldn't be married and definitely shouldnt have acces to children (and his mommy too) controling and misogynistic peoples are bad environment for kids...
NTA. WFH is still work. It's terrible that you have people ganging up on you when they should be supportive. IRL he'll have to be responsible whether you're there or not, staying together or divorced. This, I've had to deal with personally and eventually, you may be super human but you don't have to be. And his "house" thing is likely indicative of fear based methods with control and trust [concerns] (and possibly gaslighting you about the legalities of your shared properties) and that is bigger underlying issue than you just locking your office. Not many people freak out about that... Just so you know, I think you're doing great. It's hard to juggle.
I'm sorry to inform you that you are married to a narcissist. When you told him a few facts of life, he turned the tables on you (called gaslighting) and tried to make you the villain. Don't fall for it, and I'd leave if I were you. You're going to have a difficult life with this man.
If any man ran to his mom to complain then for her to call me... I would loose his a*s right then and there. I have grown children we talk about a lot of things regarding their relationships, I listen, I do NOT become involved. They are adults and need to handle these things themselves.
I do not understand women who raise their male children to constantly be boys and not men. My son has been married 5 years having lived together for 2 years before that. Never once since he moved out has he come crying to me about how his wife hurt his feelings or disrespected him or didn't let him have his way and wanted me to fix it. This woman is in for a bumpy ride. She has children with this man-child so even if she divorces him, she'll still have to deal with him and his mommy. Lay out a budget on how much it will cost to rent office space, the cost of gas commuting, loss, extra up keep on the car, the fact that he will have to increase his hours at work to make up for extra expenses and additional cost of child care. That might help wake his dumb brain up. And she should probably tell him she thought she married a man and not a little boy who runs to his mummy when his feelings get hurt. If that doesn't work then find a good divorce lawyer. Better to be a single mom.
NTA, but it sounds like she married a spoiled mamma's boy man-child. His house? That can be fixed in divorce, and she should inform him of that.
This guy needs at least few therapy sessions and this would only be beginning to fixing marriage problems here, since in real relationship, there is no my house, it is always both together, not one boss and subordinate. Plus like mother like son and he went crying to her... I have my doubts this will get any better. High ego, low independency and trying to hide insecurities isn't good combo.
So do you pay the bills or is he paying anything? If not it's technically your house not his if he isn't paying anything. If he keeps playing his games quit paying bills let him deal with the issues. Or if his house move out. Then you have privacy you need to work.
how would you all feel if he or your husband installed a lock on the garage or his workshop, if he has one, to shut you out? its the same thing. and if i came home to find my wife had decided to install a lock on any room in our house without discussing it with me i would have done the exact same thing as him and possibly would have installed a new lock on the front door. and i love how you all assume he relies on her to pay the rent based on the info that he barely works 3 days. maybe he makes more in 3 days than she does in 5.just a bunch of man hating dykes.
NTA...but if he works 3days a week how many days you work? If you are working a full 40hr work week and he is part time. Or you are salary base and make more.Then throw it in his face that he is jeopardizing the main source of income and he needs to start looking for a real job. I don't know where you live but where I live we have libraries that you can reserve private rooms and it is free to do work from it has free wifi and it is quite. I would just start telling him my boss is forcing me to go to this place to work now so I can get my work done without interruption.
Why do you have to read a bunch of stuff before getting to the actual story though?
Your marriage is not a three-way conversation, I'd be quick to put that MIL in her place. If he has something to say about it he's welcome to go live with her bc that sounds like exactly where he needs to be. That was in no way an AH move on your part...it was the truth. That is your JOB. There are so many reason why them interrupting your work is or could be an issue. Privacy and security is what came to mind when I read it, but namely yes you could lose your job bc your productivity is suffering. That husband is a first class jerk and very childish/selfish/lazy, I could go on. He is disrespecting you, your privacy, and your contribution to the family. I'm not sure how you could think you were overreacting for even a minute.
It is so sad the way people always say about red flag and leave your partner. I think what he did was immature but I also think she should talk to him about the locker. Leave together is not easy but if everything is a red flag no one should still be married. My late husband was 14 years old than me and when he was 70%, and then had cancer - oh God so many bad things happen but sometimes - like my mom use to say - who is the better can understand and before someone criticize my English, it is not my first language
I usually don't respond to posts like this but I find it very troubling that there are so many responses based on one side of the story. When my friends come to me about martial problems I typically just listen unless their spouse is present. I've learned no matter how thin you slice the bologna there's ALWAYS two sides and every human being no matter how righteous you believe them to be are somewhat bias towards themselves.
Sadly, when I WFH I'm treated the same way. It's really gotten to he point where I might as well not do it. But your husband is being a little b***h... Full stop
He does not respect you as a person maybe he sees you as property that he can do with as he wishes and the icing on the cake a mama's boy.
I am a boys mom and I would never get involved with my sons's marriages. Her marriage sounds like the marriages are arranged and the wife has to be super submissive.
Is your name on the house deed? If so, throw him out. Keep the kids. Consult a lawyer. I had a 41 year professional/managerial career and would NEVER have put up with the disrespect your husband AND his mother have shown. He only works 3 days per week? He's an abusive, disrespectful, lazy jerk.
I've seen similar situations and the truth is, these outbursts don't just suddenly appear overnight. Apparently, he seems to be narcissistic, immature and needy and probably has always been. Perhaps it's time to reproiritize yourself (put yourself and kids first) and let his mom finish raising him. Now that being said, there are always two sides to every story and it'd be interesting getting his take on the situation. Although, narcissists are ALWAYS the victim.
NTA. Show him these comments. He told his mommy on you? It's not like you started with a locked door, he drove you to it. Idk why he doesn't respect your work, but he doesn't.
He is only "an a*****e" in the first part, when he is unable to understand how distracting he is. This is a problem of boundaries. Then you made into a bigger problem by not even giving him an ultimatum like "stop interrupting my work or I will have to lock the door". This hurt your husband. You did something without telling him, he did something without telling you. This is a balanced reaction. About the thing he said, he did not mean that it was not your house. How would you feel if he locked you out of some room in the house that belongs to you both? He felt the same.
Unfortunately men who act like this will use your "neglect" as the excuse for why he cheated... Men are such babies so 'how dare you for having a better job than me.'
Whether you are working from home or going into a office, those same 9-5 hrs would be uninterrupted by him/kids so how can he see this any different? Clearly your husband doesn't respect you nor your job and he is teaching kids to do the same. His mom must have always been a stay at home wife/mom to agree with such behavior. GET OUT NOW
It sounds like you and him need a serious sit down. NTA. It needs to be brought to attention that his Mama needs to stat outta this. Second, you both need to be direct communicating to each other. He needs to understand your boundaries are non-negotiable. Even if its his house. If he doesn't meet you half way on the issues here, u might as well bury the marriage.
I would have to take out a restraining order on...me! I would put money down this guy thinks he can roll over and have sex any time with his wife when she is sleeping. My ex used to come home singing, bringing his boom box blaring with music while im trying to work. Operative word here is "Ex".
NTA. I had a now ex BF. His work and his issues in the house came first although I carried just as much weight if not more because grocery cleaning etc.fell on me. I got a promotion and he whined to his mother because I won't be cooking for him as much. I knew it was time to get a deadbolt on new address.
Tell his Mommy that you are bringing him back to her so she and his Daddy can raise him again, PROPERLY this time. Not really, but obviously Mommy and Daddy did a poor job as he is still a child that never learned how to grow up and provide for his household. You can break ties with them. Don't show up to anything at their house since obviously they don't respect you. When it's time for them to come over leave the house, preferably with the kids. Tell your husband that since he needs to learn to provide for his family and won't let you work in peace, and since he is accusing you of neglecting him and the kids, that he will get a full time job or two and that you will be quitting your job to be a full time stay at home wife and mom and that all his money and this house is also yours since you're married. Everytime he gets paid, take half his money and put it into your own separate account and save it. See how long it takes him to respect your boundaries then. But seriously, even if you ever followed through on all that, you would see how long it took him before he accused you of doing nothing cause you're home with the kids all day. Don't allow him to get away with that mess. He and his Mommy are gaslighters. Please stand up for yourself and your children and let him see his disgusting behavior won't be tolerated. He is acting like a child and unfortunately needs to be treated like one since he's not acting like a man. Sorry you're going through this. Not sure how your state works but in most places, if there is no prenup, if he divorces you half of what he has should be yours as well. Plus alimony and child support.
Clearly, he is a man child. It will ruin your marriage, but that is totally his fault and his mother's. Things being what they are, you cannot tolerate this. I would say the same thing if a woman were acting this way. In short and long run, it will be better for you and your kids. They don't need to grow up thinking this behavior will be tolerated.
A little bit of an AH. Don't you think installing a lock on a door inside your shared home is something you should talk about? That seems a little inflammatory to me. There doesn't seem to be much respect it communication on either side here. OP admitted to screaming at the husband when he removed the lock, that's abusive behavior as well. I think they're both TAH.
The facts: 1) what you call marital communications involves screaming at each other 2) making decisions that involve one another are made without consulting the other partner and 3) the complete lack of respect for one another indicates a marriage with some really troubling underlying issues. Both of you should seek professional help. Divorce is expensive and ugly.
His response was insane, but.....hear me out...buying a lock and installing it without even having a conversation about it is pretty ballsy. Just be adults about it and talk about it in the first place. Set boundaries without, you now, physically setting them as a first step. If that doesn't work, then maybe the lock would have been plan B. But at that point maybe there's more issues there than just this one thing.
Sounds like my ex. A grown man that acts like a child will never grow up. Get out sooner than later. You will be amazed at what a relief it will be to be away from the adult child.
Everyone is saying he should have talked to her about the lock instead if throwing it away and telling his mom. Unless I missed it, did she ever try to talk to him about the need for dedicated workspace and not being interrupted before installing the lock amd escalating the situation?
I keep wondering how these AHs get anyone to marry them in the first place...
If you happen to have a great boss, and I hope you do. Have him write you up a warning about productivity and un-professional conduct. Send it through the mail and let him sit on that. Once had to do this to a abusive wife on weeken remote work who would harras him from talking with client during remote assistance or yank router to make him stop working. Even when the €1400/month of weekend standby cost was her shopping money.
Had she explained to the husband what she doesn't like perhaps works better then buying a lock immediately
Why is everyone's first instinct to divorce? I get that he's acting like an a*****e in this situation, but communication really is key. I've been an a*s before and apologized for it and tried my best to not do it again. If you don't have these honest discussions *as soon as the problems arise* then you are setting yourself up for failure
I'm curious to know what your husband does, because this sounds like jealousy to me that you are able to stay home and work, because his actions are so disrespectful and he is allowing your children to disrespect you also.
This Mama's boy is a loser and not worth keeping. Divorce him and then tell him to get out of YOUR house. Doesn't sound like there's an ounce of respect from him. An insecure, petulant little boy. Sounds like your average Republican / Christian to me....weak, insecure, falls back on fairy tales to justify why he should be treated with respect.
Is it possible to install a button code lock. If not how about the locks the realtors use to keep a key in. I don't if that works as a lock or not. Is how about a deadbolt on the outside of the door that is also a deadbolt needing a key to open it. My great aunt had one like this is. Basically a double deadbolt. As for being an ah you're not. He is. Are you both in the mortgage. If you are it's not just his house. And tattling to mommy. Next time tell if is going. To act like a baby then he needs to go back to mommy so she can baby him. Not your job to babysit his needs. Oh tell to get a job that works more than 3 days. He's definitely the ah.
Not sure if he works and if he does is he working from home? Not sure what kind of work she does and what her contribution is to "the house". If she is working from the remote office he would not be able to barge into her day at will. Working from home and doing her job is hardly putting her work first. She is, simply, at work regardless of the logistical location. As for running and telling mommy that his wife put a lock on the door -- mom needs to mind her neck. Her son needs to grow up. I am stunned by this behavior. I can't understand this attitude. It is selfish.
That would not happen in the house I live in. Both people own the house. Both people are parents. Both people work. Both are responsible for giving the other respect. If the interruptions were a problem then she needed to go to him and discuss the issue. She should have told him she was installing the lock. That would have been respectful. He should keep arguments at home. He should not yell at his wife or treat her as lesser. He should have not uninstalled the lock without talking to her. He should not berate as a mother as that had nothing to do with the issue. Mama doesnt need to get involved. No way should she be calling the wife and berating her. There is no respect in this story. Just reactions. Get help before you are a statistic of violence. Hopefully there are no firearms in the house. He is a controlling person and intends to get his way.
Are you sure she didn't ask him to stop interrupting her while she works? I might have told him I was getting the lock, but the result would have been the same. He is entitled to do whatever he wants to do in "his" house.
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NTA but you're married to one. No comments abt your marriage, it's *yours*, right. If you have to ask is it ok for you to have privacy & respect while you work, that's a problem overall. His behaviors are controlling & emotionally abusive. You decide if *how* you are being loved is good & what to do when someone mistreats you. You're not there yet because you are still asking-you don't trust your own instincts to protect yourself. His mother is used to interfering on his behalf. Your problem is much bigger than WFH stressors. Nobody respects you in your house, do they? Respect yourself. I wish better things for you, as do a lot of others.
Um...that husband is an absolute jerk. First of all... IF your BF, GF, husband, wife wants/needs to be left alone for just some "me" time or for "working from home" then the partner should be able to understand that and give that to them. I am so completely baffled by the horrible behavior I hear and read about between couples. So many are straight up borderline mentally abusive or worse and yet they remain a couple.
NTA. So what does the husband do and why isn't he working more than 3 days a week? The bum. Somebody here has to earn a living. What a whiner that he went to his mother and complained. I'd buy another lock. He's got no right to come between you and your livelihood. He's being a controlling a*s, and it won't stop until you give him an ultimatum.
Since the pandemic more Families are faced with decisions they never had to consider. The woman in the story and this husband are at a major cross road. To many times we adults can be very childish as in this story. If the 2 of you can not communicate with your needs, you have a bigger problem than just work. There are a lot of red flags that I personally would be addressing with him. If he is not willing to work with you for the good of his family, then I personally would be seeking counseling from a source that can be used Biblical. To many times we humans don't stop to think what the Bible says on life and it's problems. In the this instance the Husband is not loving his wife like he loves himself or his family. He is being self centered. I also agree with you here that you have a right to work with out this kind of behavior. I say pray about it first and ask God to help you through this. Have an honest talk with him and explain calmly how you feel.
Obviously the husband doesn't care because she's working at all. Pretty embarrassing she's forced to work and he's not man enough like the rest of us to take care of her.
I think her husband has to be explained in a manner which he will understand instead of putting a lock on the door from the get go communication is needed for anything in life instead of fighting with each other. Otherwise nothing is going to work we all follow rules and regulations simple or pay for the consequences it's how we treat each other
How can he have a house on a 3 day/week salary? If he can support you, tell him he has to pay for everything if he doesn't want you to work. If he refuses, then he has to compromise on your office hours. That's what I did with my husband. I work from home, he's retired. He kept interrupting my work and raising discussions at the worst times possible. I put my schedule up on the fridge, told him when to have serious discussions, and I just did a lot of reinforcements where I would remind him of the boundary and if he didn't follow it he would have to be the sole provider of our family. Knowing he loves his money too much, he backed off.
Its your house too and your at work period he can't respect you can stop getting a paycheck or move out he wants the house have it but your going to have to visit your wife. If this is her home and house too he's violating her privacy at work she determines what risks she's decides not her marriage. Her career is a part of her and or be petty take a day off and big the living shyt out of him call a few times before he walks in the door. The first time he don't answer pop up at his job. Then go have lunch and miss the the lunch hour and call him out to come get his lunch. What I can't stand is rudeness and being be littled by someone who needs what your doing. He the husband isn't obviously financially stable to support the the entire house hold including your personal dining with friend n family if you choose. Your in a marriage in a partnership and respecting your responsibilities is far more important than anything else but if your revered as less than separate not divorce
I believe this (child husband) needs to grow up. His actions are little more like a 10 year old. Also next time mommy interferes ask her if she wants to have him back. He can live with her for a while until he grows up.
Sounds like you need a divorce. This man, instead of being the breadwinner ( so he thinks) isn't pulling his weight. He wants to have his cake and eat it, too. If he isn't willing to allow you to work in peace, it's time to find another place to live, and send him to Mommy to coparent the kids so you can earn a living. He has no right to disrespect you and not follow boundaries.
Interesting dilemma. It sounds like there is an underlying issue yet I would be interested to know, what was the conversation exactly before you decided to work from home and the boundaries agreed to? Actually, I would be interested in knowing the conversation before you got married about how you would handle things because there is some pertinent info missing. If he was considered the stay at home parent, was there an agreement as to what that meant? Does the mother live with you all or baby sit when the two of you are busy? Locking doors doesn't solve the problem yet that may have seemed like a good alternative at the time. What boundaries have you set with the kids? Hopefully, they don't think they can lock their doors as well when things don't work out. Lots going on here.
Get a seperate bank account and see how long it remains "his house". When you're married everything belongs to BOTH of you LEGALLY. He is not entitled to your time nor presence and if he doesn't like that he can go back to mommy. You have your own kids to worry about. In the mean time get dressed and go work at the library every day. And I'm serious about the seperate bank account. Track every dime you make and which bills it all goes to. You're not an object he owns, and it's time he learns that. And if he doesn't like "babysitting" his own kids when he's not working, leave. If he's not going to actively work on growing up, stop torturing yourself.
NTA. I also enjoy working from home. But after a few interrupted phone calls on my work phone, I had to set clear boundaries that while I'm in my home office I am working. Fortunately I have a husband I can talk with, not at. He also doesn't run to his Momma when his feelings get hurt. Unless you are willing to work in office and not from home. You should be able to set clear boundaries. Good luck
The fact that small kids are at home during work hours seems like a general issue. If you were at an office and he was also working that day, that wouldn't be happening. You would be using after-school care or other arrangements. If wfh really is like wfo you should treat it like that all around. Otherwise, you will be dividing your attention at times.
"his house" and brag to Mommy.... Seems that you choosed the wrong guy. Possessive and unable to manage without his Mom... Time to move... Out.
Honestly, my boyfriend works from home and in the beginning I got really quite annoyed that the house was a mess when I got home. He never cleaned a thing and plates piled up along his desk. But then I remembered that I didn't do any cleaning the entire day either, because I was working. And well, that's it. We were both working and it doesn't matter where. Of course I have to travel to and from work which takes over two hours. But he makes diner most days and it's amazing to come home to a cooked diner. <3 Basically what I'm trying to day is NTA, because you are working and shouldn't be interrupted constantly. But please just communicate with eachother more!
That behavior is a huge red flag about him. He's being emotionally abusive and it's insane that he tattled to his mommy, who then had the audacity to call her daughter in law "controlling". I get it that she's probably trying to hold on for thr kids' sake, but she should leave if he won't get therapy.
She should have talked to him about it first and let him known that he needs to take care of things himself while she's working and to not interrupt her unless it's an emergency. He can talk to her or ask her for help when she takes a break on her own. If he still gives her issues about it, then she could put the lock on and tell him that when the door is locked, to knock if he needs something and only for an emergency. It's pretty clear though the he doesn't respect her job and is very entitled. But this could have been handled a little better from the beginning.
Husband is the AH but there was no mention of her discussing the actual problem with her husband.
Wife NTA but there was no mention of them having an adult conversation about him not bothering her at all while she working and tell him whether she leaves or stays home for work her job is very important to her.
Fortunately my husband wasn't this bad but he was a mommas boy. I set boundaries fast and he never argued because he knew I wouldn't put up with it.
Buy some diapers and a pacifier and send him back to his mommy. I bet she still has his blanky
First point..you have a right to work with out interruption. Second you telling this story to all theses people no more different than the husband getting advise from hus mom. Did you discuss the locking that room up so you could work in peace before putting the lock on the door. Sounds like you have no respect for your husband..If your husband had a locked room from you ... what would you think.?
How do you think this isn't any different? Third party opinions that aren't emotionally involved is leagues different than tattling to mommy about your spouse.
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You are being abused, disrespected, used,and ignored. And he only works 3 days a week???!!! MIL needs to mind her own business and tell her son to grow up and act like a responsible, caring adult and husband. In your shoes, I would end this fiasco.
When getting outside opinions they will always tell you to throw your husband away as they have no investment in your relationship or the health of your kids and family. Did you tell your husband you were installing a lock beforehand? If not would you have no issue at all if he picked a room in the house locked it and denied you access without informing you first? That said nta explain that your work hours must be treated with same etiquette as if you were in an office with other professionals and if this is not honored you will have to make arrangements to work on a space he cannot reach you in.
Comment box is limited in what I can type in so Imma write in parts replying to myself here 😃
First of all wow both of these people are fking immature as FK. Even more so, this article doesn't have nearly enough evidence from the side of the guy being mentioned aside from the hearsay. Sure he asked his mother for some solace on the matter, and that can be seen as quite the interesting choice for some, but in our current day and age it's probably a safer thing to do so when you're outraged, cause when men or women hit a boiling point we tend to get violent. For men this comes out physically more often than not, so taking that into consideration, he may have asked for assistance to prevent himself from making a mistake towards his beloved (see what I did here? Twisted the words around just like the author did without any knowledge of the other side, making the story sounds very different cause I can toss in a bias as well btch).
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You present only one side of the argumen t and come to the internet searching for support. Yes, you are the a-hole.
If it is such a problem, just go back to working at the office. Suck it up buttercup
You present only one side of the argument and then search for people to agree with you. I work from home and my workspace is the dining room table. I get interrupted frequently. Your response to interruption is the thing that is immature and worthy of contempt.
I've read EXACTLY the same AITA, on Bored Panda with the genders reversed. Honestly, Iggy, I think you personally could benefit from professional help and marriage counseling for all that rage.
Load More Replies... Forget that nonsense! It's her home, too, and she's the one working! I'd send him and the kids to his moms house during my work hours!
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Rent office space tell husband rent is 300 bucks more a month then it really costs. When asked why you rent it tell him the constant distractions are going to get you fired and he will lose his meal ticket.
If this is a room dedicated to your office, get a double deadbolt. You can lock it with a key from either side. If he doesn't like it, let him cry to mommy. He just doesn't want to parent or be a house husband. Time to kick him back to mommy.
Great point! If he's crying to his mum (and not just venting) and tattling to get his wife in trouble/getting his mother to fight his battles, he's not responsible enough to parent anyone's child.
Load More Replies... Right?! Why have any of us been taught that this BS is normal or even ok? Block Mommy Dearest's number. If she wants to chat with the grandkids she can cut the cord and learn to be civil.
Load More Replies... He's the AH. Divorce this guy. He can manage "his household" full time and his kids 50% of the time. He uses his mom to bully you when his bullying fails. There's no respect. This is a manchild. You can definitely do better.
Yes. I hope she runs and doesn't walk away from this overgrown toddler.
Load More Replies... So he has no regard for the breadwinner's work time, runs bawling to tattle to Mommy that he's actually expected to observe some boundaries, couldn't care less if the person supporting him gets fired for his antics......
this happens to me too, early pandemic era, I have to keep constantly reminding him that I'm working, not taking a leave
Load More Replies... My 12 year old - who hit me on the head with a play sword during a teams session with my boss - is more responsible in his behavior than this husband.
Girl. I raised my kids to not raise their voice, hand or anything else to me when they were 3. What is cute in a kid can become problematic as they age. My oldest is 40, youngest is 25 and to this day, no one disobeys these things. EVER.
Load More Replies... I have an ex that never had a high stress or busy job the whole time we were together. During our so called relationship she cost me 2 jobs that I absolutely loved. I was extremely busy and had to be completely focused as to not make mistakes seeing as how if there was a mistake I would have to backtrack to find it which could possibly take hours or possibly even days. She was constantly texting to the tune of 300 or more and calling more than 100. I'd turn off my personal phone to get some quiet time but somehow she got my work phone number and started in on it. It got to be so disruptive that id have to stop everything and respond to her and in turn my work suffered the consequences of it. The first job I was fired under the guise of being laid off and the second fired me straight out and ended up telling me I needed to get a grip on my personal life or I'd never succeed at anything. Long story short, find a partner that respects boundaries your life could actually depend on it.
Yes, respect is a two way road. For what it's worth I'm sorry that $hit happened to you.
Load More Replies... Red flag #1.) Spouse installs lock without communication. Red Flag #2.) Spouse uninstalls lock without communication. Do these people ever talk to each other?
She had asked him multiple times before installing the lock. He refused to acknowledge her boundaries so she did what she said she was going to do if he kept threatening her job, the job that keeps them in THEIR home, which he refers to as his alone, despite marriage and children. Yes, they've clearly spoken and one of them decided he didn't HAVE to listen. Was it drastic to install the lock? Yes. Was it clearly necessary because her man child husband has no respect for her or her job? Yes.
Load More Replies... I'd be thinking seriously about whether next time he comes home from work the locks should be changed, and his suitcase waiting for him on the doorstep. He can go stay with mummy until he's ready to grow up.
Have the Sheriff drinking a cup of coffee on the porch when he arrives. When your husband arrives, the Sheriff can confirm his name, then say "You've been served" (with divorce papers) and stick around until he leaves. The Sheriff can let him know that if anything happens to you or the kids that he will be the primary suspect.
Load More Replies... What is it with all these stories about lazy disrespectf men and their toxic Mom's?? Seriously?? How will all these "Man Child" adults cope when mother is no longer around to stroke their ego and interfere in their lives to bully people that set boundaries. The OP is 1000000% not the AH here. Red flags all over the shop with this Husband.
Geez, why do couples bother to get married and have families if they clearly hate each other?
There's an old saying that goes, "Women marry a man hoping one day he'll change with her love. Men marry a woman hoping they won't." She probably thought one day mommy would cut the cord and he'd grow up and he hoped she'd remain his new mommy taking care of and entertaining him forever. It's not hatred so much as two way disappointment. They should absolutely split.
Load More Replies... Been here, never going back. Get rid of him. You're not doing your children or yourself any favors. Your kids are learning that this is the way to treat you. Stop it now
And how to treat women in general. That man baby learned it from his parents in the first place. Hope she runs and breaks the chain.
Load More Replies... Men who have their parents argue their point are pathetic. Huge red flag.
Run from him. And take the kids before they decide a woman's place is under someone's boot.
Buy a doorstop and hide it when you aren’t using it. If he tries kicking down the door, call the police. But this is just a symptom, the marriage is in serious trouble. Counselling or divorece.
I think she needs to go to him and quietly and firmly ask what is this REALLY all about because I think he has picked a fight and audience and she is playing catch up. It's his house...she needs to see if he's cheating on her and ignore this side argument because I've seen it happen to two friends and though was different scenario for me I know men pick fights when cheating and try to exert more control and TEST you. This smells fishy as it escalated too fast because for him it is calculated and been slowly brewing and his lack of respect about work is a symptom of deeper lack of respect she hasn't been paying attention to
Load More Replies... Someone he trusts? Every advice columnist says "talk it through with a trusted person!" and while I suppose a friend might be better than his mum, that was his choice. These people need to TALK to each other... "Look, I need to concentrate when I am working, I can't take a break without notice, i will get reprimanded or demoted or sacked We need to deal with this urgently! Do I go to a coffee shop, or put a lock on the door, or can you and the kids just stay outside my office?".
Load More Replies... My husband is retired and has a habit of reading what he finds interesting on line. He forgets I am working, during a Team's meeting he wandered over and put the kettle on ... quick camera off and mute ... I find it funny but he's got used to my hand signals to be quiet ... we don't have the room for me to have a separate office.
I had this. My gf and I mostly work from home. I usually go in M/F. She goes in Tu. She would constantly interrupt me while I was in meetings. I wear wired earbuds when I am in a meeting so it is easy to tell. The last straw was when I was in a high priority meeting and she interrupted me with some s**t that could have been discussed after. After the meeting I went off on her about how when she is in a meeting I never interrupt her but she has no respect for my job and thinks she can interrupt anytime she wants. She gave me this pitiful excuse about how she couldn't tell I was in a meeting that I called b******t on. She hasn't interrupted since though. I told a friend next time I am going to put myself on mute and act like I am talking to the meeting and ask everyone to pause because my gf has something really, really important to tell me that just can't wait.
OP you are right, lock is appropriate. Steps you might take before divorce court. Sit down with him and the kids. Explain in simple sentences the importance of guarding your work hours. Explain you will need to find office space away from home if they can't understand your need to have structured work time. The interruptions decrease your productivity and could get you fired, you would lose your pay check that contributes to house hold income. Maybe come up with break times to give hugs to kids and hubby, etc. Now about his mommy, YUK, meet with her face to face and explain in simple English the importance of your income contribution to the home. Explain that working from home is as important as driving to a job and clocking in and out. To be the most productive, prevent getting fired and losing that income you need uninterrupted work time. You hope that everyone will understand and give you the space you need to do your job. Remind hubby that it is OUR home. Otherwise send him to mom
I agree with you up to the point of explaining the situation to her MIL. Clearly she is meddling in OP's affairs and needs to be reminded of the boundaries. OP's husband needs to be given an obvious choice: respect HER boundaries for work time or go home to Mommy. Give him no more than 10 seconds to decide. If he has to "think about it," he's already decided. Her paycheck depends on getting her work done correctly and efficiently. Hubby has an ego problem which either needs to be dealt with, or packed up with the rest of his belongings and promptly evicted.
Load More Replies... Get one of those hotel style locks that you can use and then hide when done. And talk to your kids that when u are in that room they have to wait. He's a big baby. Tell him to go stay w mommy.
First, I would have told his mom in a respectful way, that you don’t need or care for her advice. Than you give your husband a chose other he respects your space and stop interrupting you when you are working or pack up his thing and go live with his mom. Remind him the house belong to you as much as it belong to him.
Oh, boy. The minute I read that his mommy got involved, I was done. I married a mommy's boy (now divorced!), and let me tell you - it NEVER changes. Everytime he didn't like something or agree with something, she'd be calling me up complaining. Everything was always my fault, because "her precious baby..." OP needs to run. Take the kids and run! Besides, it won't be "his house" anymore if he can't pay bills. Maybe he should learn that the hard way, though....
OP should ask her husband if he's willing to get another job (or 2), so she can tend to kids and home, if she is fired or quits her job. If he expects her to be June Cleaver hell need to step up and be Ward. and be the sole privet for the family. Or maybe his mommy can help him deal with the kids and chores while she's working? Hubby needs to put on his big boy pants and join the 21st century.
My coworkers wife HAS to have a lock on her WFH office door by company policy
My mother was like this. I worked from "home" for a while while living with her (I paid rent, of course, plus contributed to household needs), but her toxic, controlling behavior made my "home" AND work life hell. And this, by the way was a job where I could've gotten in actual legal trouble for such interruptions, even though it wasn't my doing. HIPAA privacy laws are no joke, but she didn't care. It was all about her. OP, take the kids and run like the wind. He's showing you his true character. Believe him and leave this spoiled brat to his mommy.
NTA, man is sabotaging her. Jealousy. Rivalry. He may not be aware he is doing it. My husband did it for years, forcing me to quit work to assuage his insecurities. He repeatedly lied on me to prospective employers if he answered the phone when there were job offers. One of my potential employers told me the things he was saying. He said he was scared I would leave him or find another man at work...really? I agreed to stay home with the kids for years, short circuit my own career for family. When the last kid graduated from college, he went crazy cuz I went back to work. He constantly tried to sabotage me but I moved out of state. Yes, married but separated is a real thing. He ended up literally working himself to death to prove to me abd himself he did not need my money. He died in a car accident after being too tired from overworking and being distracted ( we guess) after I asked for a divorce. By then we were estranged and he was acting crazy and erratic.
I completely understand his feeling of being locked out of a room in his house. I hate that. I also work from home and understand you need to put a lock on it and sometimes soundproof the damn thing to be productive. At the same time my wife runs the domestic parts of my home, she cooks cleans, handles the kids most of the time. She recently decided to go back to school and said "babe I can't cook right now I have a project I HAVE to finish and locked herself in our room." I was shocked! So what did I do? I put my big boy pants on corralled the kids away from the door and made her a delicious shrimp pasta she loves. Cause I would expect her to do the same for me. ITS A TEAM.
I think she needs to go to him and quietly and firmly ask what is this REALLY all about because I think he has picked a fight and audience and she is playing catch up. It's his house...she needs to see if he's cheating on her and ignore this side argument because I've seen it happen to two friends and though was different scenario for me I know men pick fights when cheating and try to exert more control and TEST you. This smells fishy as it escalated too fast because for him it is calculated and been slowly brewing and his lack of respect about work is a symptom of deeper lack of respect she hasn't been paying attention to. Also MIL is gaslighting you! She is backwards and will admit it if you say ma'am reverse the roles and tell him he isn't being a good dad if he doesn't stop work to help our kids when I say so and need him to do it. If she can't admit hypocrisy then tell her she is full of it and lost your respect completely. Tell her to talk to your daddy. Lol
My ex worked sporadically he was unemployed more than employed. Between us we had 5 kids; he had 2, I had 1 and we had 2. All lived with us. I often worked overtime and on Saturdays. He would tell me I thought my job was more important than my family. It's not like he did anything at home. I did all the shopping, house cleaning, cooking, extra curricular activities, doctor appointments, school meetings, homework, etc. And I paid all the bills, Christmas, school clothes daycare.
Why not tell him that you're going to do it if he continues, first?
Gaslighting mama's boy. He obviously doesn't respect his wife. I'd leave him. And his MIL is old school & sexist.
Run, don't walk, away ASAP. I divorced my husband 20 years ago bc of this kind of attitude and disrespect. Anything he came across that bugged him, he'd just throw away. Empty hangers left on top of dryer, small items left on kitchen windowsill to dry or get a little sun exposure. Something on *my* dresser he didn't like. This intensified to nasty verbal abuse, sulking, physical abuse of my beloved cat - which is the first time I told him if he didn't change his behavior, I would get an apt to use as my "home office," take my cat, and maybe visit occas when he was home from his business trips. Most typical cat's offense was walking on a LR side table. Had it not been my 2nd marriage I'd have left him after 4 months of marriage. Ultimately, my health declined and the verbal and emotional abuse *really* intensified. As soon as I got some hefty back pay on disability benefits, I made plans to get out. He was shocked. Best thing I ever did for myself. Zero regrets. GET OUT.
Get some standards and get rid of that pathetic excuse of a man... He shouldn't be married and definitely shouldnt have acces to children (and his mommy too) controling and misogynistic peoples are bad environment for kids...
NTA. WFH is still work. It's terrible that you have people ganging up on you when they should be supportive. IRL he'll have to be responsible whether you're there or not, staying together or divorced. This, I've had to deal with personally and eventually, you may be super human but you don't have to be. And his "house" thing is likely indicative of fear based methods with control and trust [concerns] (and possibly gaslighting you about the legalities of your shared properties) and that is bigger underlying issue than you just locking your office. Not many people freak out about that... Just so you know, I think you're doing great. It's hard to juggle.
I'm sorry to inform you that you are married to a narcissist. When you told him a few facts of life, he turned the tables on you (called gaslighting) and tried to make you the villain. Don't fall for it, and I'd leave if I were you. You're going to have a difficult life with this man.
If any man ran to his mom to complain then for her to call me... I would loose his a*s right then and there. I have grown children we talk about a lot of things regarding their relationships, I listen, I do NOT become involved. They are adults and need to handle these things themselves.
I do not understand women who raise their male children to constantly be boys and not men. My son has been married 5 years having lived together for 2 years before that. Never once since he moved out has he come crying to me about how his wife hurt his feelings or disrespected him or didn't let him have his way and wanted me to fix it. This woman is in for a bumpy ride. She has children with this man-child so even if she divorces him, she'll still have to deal with him and his mommy. Lay out a budget on how much it will cost to rent office space, the cost of gas commuting, loss, extra up keep on the car, the fact that he will have to increase his hours at work to make up for extra expenses and additional cost of child care. That might help wake his dumb brain up. And she should probably tell him she thought she married a man and not a little boy who runs to his mummy when his feelings get hurt. If that doesn't work then find a good divorce lawyer. Better to be a single mom.
NTA, but it sounds like she married a spoiled mamma's boy man-child. His house? That can be fixed in divorce, and she should inform him of that.
This guy needs at least few therapy sessions and this would only be beginning to fixing marriage problems here, since in real relationship, there is no my house, it is always both together, not one boss and subordinate. Plus like mother like son and he went crying to her... I have my doubts this will get any better. High ego, low independency and trying to hide insecurities isn't good combo.
So do you pay the bills or is he paying anything? If not it's technically your house not his if he isn't paying anything. If he keeps playing his games quit paying bills let him deal with the issues. Or if his house move out. Then you have privacy you need to work.
how would you all feel if he or your husband installed a lock on the garage or his workshop, if he has one, to shut you out? its the same thing. and if i came home to find my wife had decided to install a lock on any room in our house without discussing it with me i would have done the exact same thing as him and possibly would have installed a new lock on the front door. and i love how you all assume he relies on her to pay the rent based on the info that he barely works 3 days. maybe he makes more in 3 days than she does in 5.just a bunch of man hating dykes.
NTA...but if he works 3days a week how many days you work? If you are working a full 40hr work week and he is part time. Or you are salary base and make more.Then throw it in his face that he is jeopardizing the main source of income and he needs to start looking for a real job. I don't know where you live but where I live we have libraries that you can reserve private rooms and it is free to do work from it has free wifi and it is quite. I would just start telling him my boss is forcing me to go to this place to work now so I can get my work done without interruption.
Why do you have to read a bunch of stuff before getting to the actual story though?
Your marriage is not a three-way conversation, I'd be quick to put that MIL in her place. If he has something to say about it he's welcome to go live with her bc that sounds like exactly where he needs to be. That was in no way an AH move on your part...it was the truth. That is your JOB. There are so many reason why them interrupting your work is or could be an issue. Privacy and security is what came to mind when I read it, but namely yes you could lose your job bc your productivity is suffering. That husband is a first class jerk and very childish/selfish/lazy, I could go on. He is disrespecting you, your privacy, and your contribution to the family. I'm not sure how you could think you were overreacting for even a minute.
It is so sad the way people always say about red flag and leave your partner. I think what he did was immature but I also think she should talk to him about the locker. Leave together is not easy but if everything is a red flag no one should still be married. My late husband was 14 years old than me and when he was 70%, and then had cancer - oh God so many bad things happen but sometimes - like my mom use to say - who is the better can understand and before someone criticize my English, it is not my first language
I usually don't respond to posts like this but I find it very troubling that there are so many responses based on one side of the story. When my friends come to me about martial problems I typically just listen unless their spouse is present. I've learned no matter how thin you slice the bologna there's ALWAYS two sides and every human being no matter how righteous you believe them to be are somewhat bias towards themselves.
Sadly, when I WFH I'm treated the same way. It's really gotten to he point where I might as well not do it. But your husband is being a little b***h... Full stop
He does not respect you as a person maybe he sees you as property that he can do with as he wishes and the icing on the cake a mama's boy.
I am a boys mom and I would never get involved with my sons's marriages. Her marriage sounds like the marriages are arranged and the wife has to be super submissive.
Is your name on the house deed? If so, throw him out. Keep the kids. Consult a lawyer. I had a 41 year professional/managerial career and would NEVER have put up with the disrespect your husband AND his mother have shown. He only works 3 days per week? He's an abusive, disrespectful, lazy jerk.
I've seen similar situations and the truth is, these outbursts don't just suddenly appear overnight. Apparently, he seems to be narcissistic, immature and needy and probably has always been. Perhaps it's time to reproiritize yourself (put yourself and kids first) and let his mom finish raising him. Now that being said, there are always two sides to every story and it'd be interesting getting his take on the situation. Although, narcissists are ALWAYS the victim.
NTA. Show him these comments. He told his mommy on you? It's not like you started with a locked door, he drove you to it. Idk why he doesn't respect your work, but he doesn't.
He is only "an a*****e" in the first part, when he is unable to understand how distracting he is. This is a problem of boundaries. Then you made into a bigger problem by not even giving him an ultimatum like "stop interrupting my work or I will have to lock the door". This hurt your husband. You did something without telling him, he did something without telling you. This is a balanced reaction. About the thing he said, he did not mean that it was not your house. How would you feel if he locked you out of some room in the house that belongs to you both? He felt the same.
Unfortunately men who act like this will use your "neglect" as the excuse for why he cheated... Men are such babies so 'how dare you for having a better job than me.'
Whether you are working from home or going into a office, those same 9-5 hrs would be uninterrupted by him/kids so how can he see this any different? Clearly your husband doesn't respect you nor your job and he is teaching kids to do the same. His mom must have always been a stay at home wife/mom to agree with such behavior. GET OUT NOW
It sounds like you and him need a serious sit down. NTA. It needs to be brought to attention that his Mama needs to stat outta this. Second, you both need to be direct communicating to each other. He needs to understand your boundaries are non-negotiable. Even if its his house. If he doesn't meet you half way on the issues here, u might as well bury the marriage.
I would have to take out a restraining order on...me! I would put money down this guy thinks he can roll over and have sex any time with his wife when she is sleeping. My ex used to come home singing, bringing his boom box blaring with music while im trying to work. Operative word here is "Ex".
NTA. I had a now ex BF. His work and his issues in the house came first although I carried just as much weight if not more because grocery cleaning etc.fell on me. I got a promotion and he whined to his mother because I won't be cooking for him as much. I knew it was time to get a deadbolt on new address.
Tell his Mommy that you are bringing him back to her so she and his Daddy can raise him again, PROPERLY this time. Not really, but obviously Mommy and Daddy did a poor job as he is still a child that never learned how to grow up and provide for his household. You can break ties with them. Don't show up to anything at their house since obviously they don't respect you. When it's time for them to come over leave the house, preferably with the kids. Tell your husband that since he needs to learn to provide for his family and won't let you work in peace, and since he is accusing you of neglecting him and the kids, that he will get a full time job or two and that you will be quitting your job to be a full time stay at home wife and mom and that all his money and this house is also yours since you're married. Everytime he gets paid, take half his money and put it into your own separate account and save it. See how long it takes him to respect your boundaries then. But seriously, even if you ever followed through on all that, you would see how long it took him before he accused you of doing nothing cause you're home with the kids all day. Don't allow him to get away with that mess. He and his Mommy are gaslighters. Please stand up for yourself and your children and let him see his disgusting behavior won't be tolerated. He is acting like a child and unfortunately needs to be treated like one since he's not acting like a man. Sorry you're going through this. Not sure how your state works but in most places, if there is no prenup, if he divorces you half of what he has should be yours as well. Plus alimony and child support.
Clearly, he is a man child. It will ruin your marriage, but that is totally his fault and his mother's. Things being what they are, you cannot tolerate this. I would say the same thing if a woman were acting this way. In short and long run, it will be better for you and your kids. They don't need to grow up thinking this behavior will be tolerated.
A little bit of an AH. Don't you think installing a lock on a door inside your shared home is something you should talk about? That seems a little inflammatory to me. There doesn't seem to be much respect it communication on either side here. OP admitted to screaming at the husband when he removed the lock, that's abusive behavior as well. I think they're both TAH.
The facts: 1) what you call marital communications involves screaming at each other 2) making decisions that involve one another are made without consulting the other partner and 3) the complete lack of respect for one another indicates a marriage with some really troubling underlying issues. Both of you should seek professional help. Divorce is expensive and ugly.
His response was insane, but.....hear me out...buying a lock and installing it without even having a conversation about it is pretty ballsy. Just be adults about it and talk about it in the first place. Set boundaries without, you now, physically setting them as a first step. If that doesn't work, then maybe the lock would have been plan B. But at that point maybe there's more issues there than just this one thing.
Sounds like my ex. A grown man that acts like a child will never grow up. Get out sooner than later. You will be amazed at what a relief it will be to be away from the adult child.
Everyone is saying he should have talked to her about the lock instead if throwing it away and telling his mom. Unless I missed it, did she ever try to talk to him about the need for dedicated workspace and not being interrupted before installing the lock amd escalating the situation?
I keep wondering how these AHs get anyone to marry them in the first place...
If you happen to have a great boss, and I hope you do. Have him write you up a warning about productivity and un-professional conduct. Send it through the mail and let him sit on that. Once had to do this to a abusive wife on weeken remote work who would harras him from talking with client during remote assistance or yank router to make him stop working. Even when the €1400/month of weekend standby cost was her shopping money.
Had she explained to the husband what she doesn't like perhaps works better then buying a lock immediately
Why is everyone's first instinct to divorce? I get that he's acting like an a*****e in this situation, but communication really is key. I've been an a*s before and apologized for it and tried my best to not do it again. If you don't have these honest discussions *as soon as the problems arise* then you are setting yourself up for failure
I'm curious to know what your husband does, because this sounds like jealousy to me that you are able to stay home and work, because his actions are so disrespectful and he is allowing your children to disrespect you also.
This Mama's boy is a loser and not worth keeping. Divorce him and then tell him to get out of YOUR house. Doesn't sound like there's an ounce of respect from him. An insecure, petulant little boy. Sounds like your average Republican / Christian to me....weak, insecure, falls back on fairy tales to justify why he should be treated with respect.
Is it possible to install a button code lock. If not how about the locks the realtors use to keep a key in. I don't if that works as a lock or not. Is how about a deadbolt on the outside of the door that is also a deadbolt needing a key to open it. My great aunt had one like this is. Basically a double deadbolt. As for being an ah you're not. He is. Are you both in the mortgage. If you are it's not just his house. And tattling to mommy. Next time tell if is going. To act like a baby then he needs to go back to mommy so she can baby him. Not your job to babysit his needs. Oh tell to get a job that works more than 3 days. He's definitely the ah.
Not sure if he works and if he does is he working from home? Not sure what kind of work she does and what her contribution is to "the house". If she is working from the remote office he would not be able to barge into her day at will. Working from home and doing her job is hardly putting her work first. She is, simply, at work regardless of the logistical location. As for running and telling mommy that his wife put a lock on the door -- mom needs to mind her neck. Her son needs to grow up. I am stunned by this behavior. I can't understand this attitude. It is selfish.
That would not happen in the house I live in. Both people own the house. Both people are parents. Both people work. Both are responsible for giving the other respect. If the interruptions were a problem then she needed to go to him and discuss the issue. She should have told him she was installing the lock. That would have been respectful. He should keep arguments at home. He should not yell at his wife or treat her as lesser. He should have not uninstalled the lock without talking to her. He should not berate as a mother as that had nothing to do with the issue. Mama doesnt need to get involved. No way should she be calling the wife and berating her. There is no respect in this story. Just reactions. Get help before you are a statistic of violence. Hopefully there are no firearms in the house. He is a controlling person and intends to get his way.
Are you sure she didn't ask him to stop interrupting her while she works? I might have told him I was getting the lock, but the result would have been the same. He is entitled to do whatever he wants to do in "his" house.
Load More Replies... NTA but you're married to one. No comments abt your marriage, it's *yours*, right. If you have to ask is it ok for you to have privacy & respect while you work, that's a problem overall. His behaviors are controlling & emotionally abusive. You decide if *how* you are being loved is good & what to do when someone mistreats you. You're not there yet because you are still asking-you don't trust your own instincts to protect yourself. His mother is used to interfering on his behalf. Your problem is much bigger than WFH stressors. Nobody respects you in your house, do they? Respect yourself. I wish better things for you, as do a lot of others.
Um...that husband is an absolute jerk. First of all... IF your BF, GF, husband, wife wants/needs to be left alone for just some "me" time or for "working from home" then the partner should be able to understand that and give that to them. I am so completely baffled by the horrible behavior I hear and read about between couples. So many are straight up borderline mentally abusive or worse and yet they remain a couple.
NTA. So what does the husband do and why isn't he working more than 3 days a week? The bum. Somebody here has to earn a living. What a whiner that he went to his mother and complained. I'd buy another lock. He's got no right to come between you and your livelihood. He's being a controlling a*s, and it won't stop until you give him an ultimatum.
Since the pandemic more Families are faced with decisions they never had to consider. The woman in the story and this husband are at a major cross road. To many times we adults can be very childish as in this story. If the 2 of you can not communicate with your needs, you have a bigger problem than just work. There are a lot of red flags that I personally would be addressing with him. If he is not willing to work with you for the good of his family, then I personally would be seeking counseling from a source that can be used Biblical. To many times we humans don't stop to think what the Bible says on life and it's problems. In the this instance the Husband is not loving his wife like he loves himself or his family. He is being self centered. I also agree with you here that you have a right to work with out this kind of behavior. I say pray about it first and ask God to help you through this. Have an honest talk with him and explain calmly how you feel.
Obviously the husband doesn't care because she's working at all. Pretty embarrassing she's forced to work and he's not man enough like the rest of us to take care of her.
I think her husband has to be explained in a manner which he will understand instead of putting a lock on the door from the get go communication is needed for anything in life instead of fighting with each other. Otherwise nothing is going to work we all follow rules and regulations simple or pay for the consequences it's how we treat each other
How can he have a house on a 3 day/week salary? If he can support you, tell him he has to pay for everything if he doesn't want you to work. If he refuses, then he has to compromise on your office hours. That's what I did with my husband. I work from home, he's retired. He kept interrupting my work and raising discussions at the worst times possible. I put my schedule up on the fridge, told him when to have serious discussions, and I just did a lot of reinforcements where I would remind him of the boundary and if he didn't follow it he would have to be the sole provider of our family. Knowing he loves his money too much, he backed off.
Its your house too and your at work period he can't respect you can stop getting a paycheck or move out he wants the house have it but your going to have to visit your wife. If this is her home and house too he's violating her privacy at work she determines what risks she's decides not her marriage. Her career is a part of her and or be petty take a day off and big the living shyt out of him call a few times before he walks in the door. The first time he don't answer pop up at his job. Then go have lunch and miss the the lunch hour and call him out to come get his lunch. What I can't stand is rudeness and being be littled by someone who needs what your doing. He the husband isn't obviously financially stable to support the the entire house hold including your personal dining with friend n family if you choose. Your in a marriage in a partnership and respecting your responsibilities is far more important than anything else but if your revered as less than separate not divorce
I believe this (child husband) needs to grow up. His actions are little more like a 10 year old. Also next time mommy interferes ask her if she wants to have him back. He can live with her for a while until he grows up.
Sounds like you need a divorce. This man, instead of being the breadwinner ( so he thinks) isn't pulling his weight. He wants to have his cake and eat it, too. If he isn't willing to allow you to work in peace, it's time to find another place to live, and send him to Mommy to coparent the kids so you can earn a living. He has no right to disrespect you and not follow boundaries.
Interesting dilemma. It sounds like there is an underlying issue yet I would be interested to know, what was the conversation exactly before you decided to work from home and the boundaries agreed to? Actually, I would be interested in knowing the conversation before you got married about how you would handle things because there is some pertinent info missing. If he was considered the stay at home parent, was there an agreement as to what that meant? Does the mother live with you all or baby sit when the two of you are busy? Locking doors doesn't solve the problem yet that may have seemed like a good alternative at the time. What boundaries have you set with the kids? Hopefully, they don't think they can lock their doors as well when things don't work out. Lots going on here.
Get a seperate bank account and see how long it remains "his house". When you're married everything belongs to BOTH of you LEGALLY. He is not entitled to your time nor presence and if he doesn't like that he can go back to mommy. You have your own kids to worry about. In the mean time get dressed and go work at the library every day. And I'm serious about the seperate bank account. Track every dime you make and which bills it all goes to. You're not an object he owns, and it's time he learns that. And if he doesn't like "babysitting" his own kids when he's not working, leave. If he's not going to actively work on growing up, stop torturing yourself.
NTA. I also enjoy working from home. But after a few interrupted phone calls on my work phone, I had to set clear boundaries that while I'm in my home office I am working. Fortunately I have a husband I can talk with, not at. He also doesn't run to his Momma when his feelings get hurt. Unless you are willing to work in office and not from home. You should be able to set clear boundaries. Good luck
The fact that small kids are at home during work hours seems like a general issue. If you were at an office and he was also working that day, that wouldn't be happening. You would be using after-school care or other arrangements. If wfh really is like wfo you should treat it like that all around. Otherwise, you will be dividing your attention at times.
"his house" and brag to Mommy.... Seems that you choosed the wrong guy. Possessive and unable to manage without his Mom... Time to move... Out.
Honestly, my boyfriend works from home and in the beginning I got really quite annoyed that the house was a mess when I got home. He never cleaned a thing and plates piled up along his desk. But then I remembered that I didn't do any cleaning the entire day either, because I was working. And well, that's it. We were both working and it doesn't matter where. Of course I have to travel to and from work which takes over two hours. But he makes diner most days and it's amazing to come home to a cooked diner. <3 Basically what I'm trying to day is NTA, because you are working and shouldn't be interrupted constantly. But please just communicate with eachother more!
That behavior is a huge red flag about him. He's being emotionally abusive and it's insane that he tattled to his mommy, who then had the audacity to call her daughter in law "controlling". I get it that she's probably trying to hold on for thr kids' sake, but she should leave if he won't get therapy.
She should have talked to him about it first and let him known that he needs to take care of things himself while she's working and to not interrupt her unless it's an emergency. He can talk to her or ask her for help when she takes a break on her own. If he still gives her issues about it, then she could put the lock on and tell him that when the door is locked, to knock if he needs something and only for an emergency. It's pretty clear though the he doesn't respect her job and is very entitled. But this could have been handled a little better from the beginning.
Husband is the AH but there was no mention of her discussing the actual problem with her husband.
Wife NTA but there was no mention of them having an adult conversation about him not bothering her at all while she working and tell him whether she leaves or stays home for work her job is very important to her.
Fortunately my husband wasn't this bad but he was a mommas boy. I set boundaries fast and he never argued because he knew I wouldn't put up with it.
Buy some diapers and a pacifier and send him back to his mommy. I bet she still has his blanky
First point..you have a right to work with out interruption. Second you telling this story to all theses people no more different than the husband getting advise from hus mom. Did you discuss the locking that room up so you could work in peace before putting the lock on the door. Sounds like you have no respect for your husband..If your husband had a locked room from you ... what would you think.?
How do you think this isn't any different? Third party opinions that aren't emotionally involved is leagues different than tattling to mommy about your spouse.
Load More Replies... You are being abused, disrespected, used,and ignored. And he only works 3 days a week???!!! MIL needs to mind her own business and tell her son to grow up and act like a responsible, caring adult and husband. In your shoes, I would end this fiasco.
When getting outside opinions they will always tell you to throw your husband away as they have no investment in your relationship or the health of your kids and family. Did you tell your husband you were installing a lock beforehand? If not would you have no issue at all if he picked a room in the house locked it and denied you access without informing you first? That said nta explain that your work hours must be treated with same etiquette as if you were in an office with other professionals and if this is not honored you will have to make arrangements to work on a space he cannot reach you in.
Comment box is limited in what I can type in so Imma write in parts replying to myself here 😃
First of all wow both of these people are fking immature as FK. Even more so, this article doesn't have nearly enough evidence from the side of the guy being mentioned aside from the hearsay. Sure he asked his mother for some solace on the matter, and that can be seen as quite the interesting choice for some, but in our current day and age it's probably a safer thing to do so when you're outraged, cause when men or women hit a boiling point we tend to get violent. For men this comes out physically more often than not, so taking that into consideration, he may have asked for assistance to prevent himself from making a mistake towards his beloved (see what I did here? Twisted the words around just like the author did without any knowledge of the other side, making the story sounds very different cause I can toss in a bias as well btch).
Load More Replies... You present only one side of the argumen t and come to the internet searching for support. Yes, you are the a-hole.
If it is such a problem, just go back to working at the office. Suck it up buttercup
You present only one side of the argument and then search for people to agree with you. I work from home and my workspace is the dining room table. I get interrupted frequently. Your response to interruption is the thing that is immature and worthy of contempt.
I've read EXACTLY the same AITA, on Bored Panda with the genders reversed. Honestly, Iggy, I think you personally could benefit from professional help and marriage counseling for all that rage.
Load More Replies... Forget that nonsense! It's her home, too, and she's the one working! I'd send him and the kids to his moms house during my work hours!
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