Wife Stays Separately In A Hotel During A Family Vacation When She Finds A Detailed Report On Her In Husband’s Computer And Asks The Internet If She Overreacted
When you meet a new person, it’s not unusual to check out their social media or google their name to see what will come up. But it gets weird and creepy when it doesn’t stop there and you do a proper background check of a person you are planning to marry.
Finding out that a person you trusted your life to was compiling a file on you, your family and childhood friends may shock you and there is no way of telling what that reaction would be. When redditor sherlockholmes498 realized that exact thing happened to her, she kind of lost it and is asking the internet if she might have overreacted.
More info: Reddit
The OP went on a vacation with her husband’s family and accidentally found out he ran a background check before they got engaged
Image credits: Alessandro Valli (not the actual photo)
The Original Poster (OP) has been married to her husband for three years and they’d been together for 2.5 years before getting married. They were on a vacation with her husband’s family and she wasn’t really interested in joining their activities a few times, so she wanted to stay home.
Because sherlockholmes498 didn’t bring her computer with her, her husband let her use his so that she wouldn’t be bored. While using her husband’s computer, the wife made a folder with her own name to keep her activities organized.
Image credits: sherlockholmes498
The husband gave her wife his computer as she didn’t bring hers so she would have something to do while she didn’t want to go out with the rest of the family
Image credits: sherlockholmes498
One time she was searching for that folder and typed in her name to find it and didn’t expect there to be another one. However, it had beencreated by her husband and not her. When the OP opened it, she found that there was a full report not only on her, but her family and friends.
At first she felt betrayed, but when she saw that there was information about her family that she didn’t know herself and the husband never mentioned it, sherlockholmes498 started to get angry.
While typing in her name, she found a file containing a report of an investigation done on her, her family and two childhood friends
Image credits: sherlockholmes498
The woman read as much as she could before the husband and his family came back and in her own words, she exploded on him in front of everyone. The husband immediately tried to calm down his wife saying that it was no big deal and his cousin thought that it was completely normal because the husband was not the only one who did that.
The husband wanted to talk in private and talk more calmly, but the wife was done and wanted to leave. She didn’t want to stay in that house anymore or make the husband leave because it was owned by his parents.
Image credits: sherlockholmes498
The report contained information that she didn’t even know about her family and friends which made her get mad that her husband would keep it a secret
Image credits: sherlockholmes498
The vacation was cut short and both the wife and the husband returned home. The OP gives us more information in the comments, answering some people’s questions. We learn that the husband’s family is wealthy and that he explained that he did the background check “so that there weren’t any surprises in the future.”
The husband got the report a few days before he proposed and he also showed it to his dad as it was partially his idea. Interestingly, the OP’s MIL suggested her son tell his then-future wife about the investigation, but it seems that he didn’t listen to his mom.
What bothers the OP the most is that he didn’t warn her about this and wasn’t planning to. She said in the comments that one of the things that the report found was a major thing she didn’t know about her family and her husband not telling her anything about it really upset her.
Image credits: sherlockholmes498
The OP had quite a strong reaction but the family didn’t think it was a big deal so she asks the internet if she was too sensitive to react in that way
Image credits: sherlockholmes498
In the question the OP is asking if she reacted in an inappropriate way, so we would like to hear your opinions. Was she being overly dramatic or was her reaction to the news justified? Also, what do you think of the husband conducting an investigation on his wife’s life and not planning to tell her anything? Do you think it’s normal and not a big deal as he believed? Share your thoughts with us in the comments!
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I doubt her outrage is solely because of the background check. It is because he didn't tell her. He didn't trust her enough to tell her? Also, it hurts her that he found out something about her family she didn't know. And he didn't trust her enough to share it with her (at least I would assume that is how it feels). I guess it would feel like he cheated on her. He is not the guy she thought he was.
Yep he's a liar and he's untrustworthy. Her whole relationship is based on a lie. He also tried to gaslight her and discount how she felt for his own benefit. I would never believe a word he said ever again. It's not hard to ask for consent and if she said no he could move on at least he'd be an honest person not a conniving liar.
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Probably going to get a lot of hate but among the wealthy in China it is pretty normal for a man's mother to have a future daughter -in- law investigated especially if he is an only child. Parents don't want their hard earned money eventually passing to a grandchild who may not be their son's if the woman has a reputation for being promiscuous. Conversely, my first husband and his extended family were a bunch of parasites and petty crooks from another country I wish my parents had been able to have them investigated.
If everyone involved knows about this, then sure. But don't do it secretly.
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NAH - no asshole here. Both were right and wrong. Husband was right to do a background check. I have heard of multiple cases where people should have done background checks, and YIKES. Husband was wrong to not tell her he checked on her once he knew there was nothing sus and he really loved her. If not then, at least before getting married? He was also wrong to not delete the folder! If everything is fine why keep the stuff? Wife was right to be upset that this was kept from her, and also right to leave. But it would be wrong to leave him or something drastic just because he ran a background check. It's called being careful.
I'm pro background checking everyone I date. I'll tell you if you ask, but I expect you to do the same of me. Though I don't see a need for extended family and friends. But the person themselves? Totally checking, because I've found some seedy stuff that saved me in the long run.
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I will be doing this if I get married again. Too much bullshit gets ignored when you start getting to know people. You never know what you are getting into. And you are indeed marrying a family and friends not just one person.
Would you do it in secret or just tell them that you are going to do this? That makes all the difference.
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I understand his caution. I also understand her outrage. That's painful, to learn you're not trusted till you pass the private investigation, b/c it says "Hi! We didn't trust his judgment, or your character! Welcome to the family!" Ew. And, yes, this happened to me. My UK in-laws.
I online date and background check everyone before I go out. I don't get detailed on extended family, but I've found married guys pretending to be single or "separated", people who weren't who they said they were, a few serious crime reports involving bodily harm. So background check, I get it. I essentially expect anyone dating at this stage to do the same to me. Going through extended family and childhood friends though is a bigger deal.
I Don't, I Don't even look them up on facebook
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Nta. I would be very alarmed if I found my partner had done something like that to me. And I would not consent to one. You don’t have to have something to hide to be squicked by someone rummaging in your business.
Without consent - this is not ok. Checking the family and friends without consent, also definitely not ok.
If you start dating into a very or even moderately wealthy family this is going to happen. If you come from a poor background expect to sign an extensive prenup and possibly an NDA. Wealthy families aren’t just families, they are fully functioning businesses, fact.
This must be OP's first marriage. After your first, a background check seems like common sense, no point waiting the years for the mask to fall and all the skeletons come out of the closet. She's also being very gender biased, if a woman ran a background check on a potential love interest and his family, no one would bat an eyelash and everyone would call her clever and prudent. It's not always about protecting family wealth, sometimes you just need a headsup that the person you're considering risking your heart and personal safety with isn't a fuc*ing psycho from a family of psychos.
So you would be perfectly fine with a random guy your friend was dating running a full scale background check on you? WOW. I actually value my privacy.
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Yes for both of you. Exploding over it was an overreaction. Him not telling you about it even when his mom suggested he should is his AH part. The background check itself is not. That he included your friends is and I don't even know if that's legal. The family is wealthy so yes, this would be normal to protect family wealth. Not telling you about something big he found out about your family is not keeping a secret from you. For all, he knew you were already aware of whatever it is. This story needs an update! Did you tell your family and friends what he did and if so, how did they react, especially over the big discovery? Are you still married?
OP is NTA. All feelings are valid. It’s understandable to react this way when you’ve found out your partner has hidden something this big from you. If the partner wanted to do a background check then they should have said up front and discussed why. Not done it behind their back. Clearly, the partner is the one doing sketchy sh!t behind people’s backs.
It would depend on when he did it. If he ran it when their relationship was beginning to get serious and wanted to be sure he wasn't falling for someone with a past that would haunt him, I don't have a big problem with that. There are a lot of very good scam artists out there. A lot of people do background checks on those they are dating. That one is more thorough than most. At some point he should have talked to her. but yes, I think she over reacted.
After getting married I discovered my father had done a background check on my husband while we were still dating. I didn't feel violated neither did he. I felt loved and cared about. I wouldn't mind his family doing a background check on me either. People going off on privacy violations and stuff like that make me wonder what the h* are you hiding? :D Just a thought though - men doing such stuff all the time to big extent would make me wonder about mental health issues. Reading my father's diary after he passed away did make me realize some tendencies he had and I am sure there is a diagnosis in there somewhere.
Why can't people just want the truth? Why does it have to be a violation? Why can't we want to consent? If it was important to someone why can't they be honest? Why does it have to be secretive and sneaky and why is it her fault she felt violated? That does not mean she had something to hide. It means she wants to make an informed decision and deserves respect it has nothing to do w hiding something. He's the one that lied for years and what about her loved ones? They didn't consent to this intrusive violation either. Just be honest ffs. Ask for consent ffs. How can she trust him he's a conniving liar that only cares about himself and there are laws against stalking and this is straight up stalking especially bc it was an extensive search on her family and friends. That's serial killer crap.
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That's pretty much standard operating procedure for trust fund babies. At least the PsOS that I know do. When you are a monied family, you are going to do whatever it takes to keep the money in the family.
Consent. That's all he had to do was ask for consent from all parties. If she said no he could decide if it was a dealbreaker. She was not given all the information to make an informed decision about him and it's a grotesque violation against her and her loved ones. It's straight up stalking if you don't get consent and there is something deeply wrong w the conniving lying gaslighter of a husband. He even gaslit her when she told him how she felt. He's a pos.
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He probably learned a hard lesson from another woman and thought it was best to background check a new serious relationship. Why does that even bother her as if anybody you meet is supposed to be trustworthy by default?
You are forgetting there are other people whose privacy was seriously invaded by him. Her friends? Her parents? NO. HELL NO. I would be VERY "bothered" if someone ran a background check on my best friend due to HIS issues...and would be doubly pissed if I were the best friend who had some random guy invading my privacy like this!
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What if this background check reveals she's friends with someone on the sex offenders register or a pedophile? wouldn't that make the background check worth it?
background check on her, big maybe but her family AND friends.. like seriously, if i were one of the friends I would be super ticked, complete invasion of privacy, he wasn't marrying the friends.
OP doesn't mention the culture(s), if relevant? It can be. In many countries written consent is required, and its not the sort of thing just anyone has access to. Bank, court, health records etc. And as the OP was unaware it suggests at least some confidentiality laws being broken, systems being hacked? Who do these people think they are? I would respond with the law.
I would not care if my hubby ran background check, I have nothing to hide. I want him to marry me knowing the good, bad & ugly. If he knows who I am & my family & still wants to marry me, I can be more comfortable around him
I don't think you're an asshole but I do think you're overreacting. Women do this all the time. It's a little odd but does it even matter, if you love each other then let it go.
ESH - Hubs by not getting her consent before doing the check, and wife by blowing up in front of the family rather than discussing it with him in private. But at the same time, NAH - Hubs for wanting to make sure there are no secrets that will bite him in the ass later, and wife for being pissed off that he didn't ask her first. All in all, I'm going slightly with ESH over NAH, mostly for the lack of trust and consent.
I would do a background check too, no point being stupid, i wonder how people would react if she had done it to him instead, everyone would be applauding her wisdom but the guy is a psychopath for being cautious? People are such hypocrites, now if she really wants to show up her wits, instead of being another whiner on here, run a background check on him down the road
Wtf is wrong w you? You hate women is that it? He is a liar. Why would anyone stay w a liar. All he had to do was tell her the truth but nope he's a selfish lying sociopath coward that only cares about himself. How do you frigging still not know what consent is? Her family and friends too?? He did not give her a choice. She did not have all the information about him she should've had bc he's a conniving liar. He ruined their relationship bc it based on lies. Consent consent consent. Respect other people and give them a choice do not take their choices away by lying but as oer your comment I'm guessing you lie on a regular basis and utterly disrespect anyone that doesn't agree w you.
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Only a fool would not investigate a potential life partner! Only those with something to hide would object. His mistake was not informing her of this and suggesting she also investigate him. Privacy or secrets between husband and wife should be minimal. If their pasts are not revealed before marriage they could become a huge factor in future divorce as the facts usually come to the forefront .
Consent was all that was needed instead he lied and connived and gaslit. He's a pos.
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God some of the people in US are just odd, very very shallow and odd. In UK and Europe we don't do personal checks, you know why? Because we aren't that shallow or insecure. If a lover/ gf/ wife did that on me , it would be over.
🙄 Oh shut the hell up. This isn't a US thing.
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I wouldn't really care if I found out my spouse ran a background check on me, he wouldn't find anything of interest anyway. I have also had a friend meet, fall in love and marry someone only to find out that he was already married and was leading a double life. She now runs a background check on absolutely everyone she dates, standard procedure, and I think it's smart to do so. I don't think you need to get permission to do that either, after all you are looking for information that they haven't told you about. It seems impractical these days not to do some kind of googling or background check on those that are close to us. Maybe I watch a little too much true crime though...
Why wouldn't he want to know if she was an axe murderer? I mean, it's not a likely problem, but if you plan to marry someone, perhaps you want to know if they have a criminal record before making that decision.
You can't be an adult and ask them? You have to do a secret background check without their permission? That's f****d up and if someone feels they have to do that when dating someone, they shouldn't be dating. At the bare minimum, they should be asking permission first before doing it
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I think he could have told her about it, but I don't think he was wrong to do that early in their relationship. Obviously he was fine with her and was able to build trust in her after the fact. I don't see what the problem is. And I would be saying the same thing if she had done it to him. She could have had a calm talk about it with him and let her know she was upset. Her flying off the handle was uncalled for.
YTA. These days, he'd be a fool not to do a background on people who want to associate with him. He did it discreetly. She did not have to snoop into his private information.
You didn't read the story. And how is she in the wrong when he lied to her for years and didn't get consent for her or her loved ones. That's stalking. We have always against that in the US
Load More Replies... I doubt her outrage is solely because of the background check. It is because he didn't tell her. He didn't trust her enough to tell her? Also, it hurts her that he found out something about her family she didn't know. And he didn't trust her enough to share it with her (at least I would assume that is how it feels). I guess it would feel like he cheated on her. He is not the guy she thought he was.
Yep he's a liar and he's untrustworthy. Her whole relationship is based on a lie. He also tried to gaslight her and discount how she felt for his own benefit. I would never believe a word he said ever again. It's not hard to ask for consent and if she said no he could move on at least he'd be an honest person not a conniving liar.
Load More Replies... Probably going to get a lot of hate but among the wealthy in China it is pretty normal for a man's mother to have a future daughter -in- law investigated especially if he is an only child. Parents don't want their hard earned money eventually passing to a grandchild who may not be their son's if the woman has a reputation for being promiscuous. Conversely, my first husband and his extended family were a bunch of parasites and petty crooks from another country I wish my parents had been able to have them investigated.
If everyone involved knows about this, then sure. But don't do it secretly.
Load More Replies... NAH - no asshole here. Both were right and wrong. Husband was right to do a background check. I have heard of multiple cases where people should have done background checks, and YIKES. Husband was wrong to not tell her he checked on her once he knew there was nothing sus and he really loved her. If not then, at least before getting married? He was also wrong to not delete the folder! If everything is fine why keep the stuff? Wife was right to be upset that this was kept from her, and also right to leave. But it would be wrong to leave him or something drastic just because he ran a background check. It's called being careful.
I'm pro background checking everyone I date. I'll tell you if you ask, but I expect you to do the same of me. Though I don't see a need for extended family and friends. But the person themselves? Totally checking, because I've found some seedy stuff that saved me in the long run.
Load More Replies... I will be doing this if I get married again. Too much bullshit gets ignored when you start getting to know people. You never know what you are getting into. And you are indeed marrying a family and friends not just one person.
Would you do it in secret or just tell them that you are going to do this? That makes all the difference.
Load More Replies... I understand his caution. I also understand her outrage. That's painful, to learn you're not trusted till you pass the private investigation, b/c it says "Hi! We didn't trust his judgment, or your character! Welcome to the family!" Ew. And, yes, this happened to me. My UK in-laws.
I online date and background check everyone before I go out. I don't get detailed on extended family, but I've found married guys pretending to be single or "separated", people who weren't who they said they were, a few serious crime reports involving bodily harm. So background check, I get it. I essentially expect anyone dating at this stage to do the same to me. Going through extended family and childhood friends though is a bigger deal.
I Don't, I Don't even look them up on facebook
Load More Replies... Nta. I would be very alarmed if I found my partner had done something like that to me. And I would not consent to one. You don’t have to have something to hide to be squicked by someone rummaging in your business.
Without consent - this is not ok. Checking the family and friends without consent, also definitely not ok.
If you start dating into a very or even moderately wealthy family this is going to happen. If you come from a poor background expect to sign an extensive prenup and possibly an NDA. Wealthy families aren’t just families, they are fully functioning businesses, fact.
This must be OP's first marriage. After your first, a background check seems like common sense, no point waiting the years for the mask to fall and all the skeletons come out of the closet. She's also being very gender biased, if a woman ran a background check on a potential love interest and his family, no one would bat an eyelash and everyone would call her clever and prudent. It's not always about protecting family wealth, sometimes you just need a headsup that the person you're considering risking your heart and personal safety with isn't a fuc*ing psycho from a family of psychos.
So you would be perfectly fine with a random guy your friend was dating running a full scale background check on you? WOW. I actually value my privacy.
Load More Replies... Yes for both of you. Exploding over it was an overreaction. Him not telling you about it even when his mom suggested he should is his AH part. The background check itself is not. That he included your friends is and I don't even know if that's legal. The family is wealthy so yes, this would be normal to protect family wealth. Not telling you about something big he found out about your family is not keeping a secret from you. For all, he knew you were already aware of whatever it is. This story needs an update! Did you tell your family and friends what he did and if so, how did they react, especially over the big discovery? Are you still married?
OP is NTA. All feelings are valid. It’s understandable to react this way when you’ve found out your partner has hidden something this big from you. If the partner wanted to do a background check then they should have said up front and discussed why. Not done it behind their back. Clearly, the partner is the one doing sketchy sh!t behind people’s backs.
It would depend on when he did it. If he ran it when their relationship was beginning to get serious and wanted to be sure he wasn't falling for someone with a past that would haunt him, I don't have a big problem with that. There are a lot of very good scam artists out there. A lot of people do background checks on those they are dating. That one is more thorough than most. At some point he should have talked to her. but yes, I think she over reacted.
After getting married I discovered my father had done a background check on my husband while we were still dating. I didn't feel violated neither did he. I felt loved and cared about. I wouldn't mind his family doing a background check on me either. People going off on privacy violations and stuff like that make me wonder what the h* are you hiding? :D Just a thought though - men doing such stuff all the time to big extent would make me wonder about mental health issues. Reading my father's diary after he passed away did make me realize some tendencies he had and I am sure there is a diagnosis in there somewhere.
Why can't people just want the truth? Why does it have to be a violation? Why can't we want to consent? If it was important to someone why can't they be honest? Why does it have to be secretive and sneaky and why is it her fault she felt violated? That does not mean she had something to hide. It means she wants to make an informed decision and deserves respect it has nothing to do w hiding something. He's the one that lied for years and what about her loved ones? They didn't consent to this intrusive violation either. Just be honest ffs. Ask for consent ffs. How can she trust him he's a conniving liar that only cares about himself and there are laws against stalking and this is straight up stalking especially bc it was an extensive search on her family and friends. That's serial killer crap.
Load More Replies... That's pretty much standard operating procedure for trust fund babies. At least the PsOS that I know do. When you are a monied family, you are going to do whatever it takes to keep the money in the family.
Consent. That's all he had to do was ask for consent from all parties. If she said no he could decide if it was a dealbreaker. She was not given all the information to make an informed decision about him and it's a grotesque violation against her and her loved ones. It's straight up stalking if you don't get consent and there is something deeply wrong w the conniving lying gaslighter of a husband. He even gaslit her when she told him how she felt. He's a pos.
Load More Replies... He probably learned a hard lesson from another woman and thought it was best to background check a new serious relationship. Why does that even bother her as if anybody you meet is supposed to be trustworthy by default?
You are forgetting there are other people whose privacy was seriously invaded by him. Her friends? Her parents? NO. HELL NO. I would be VERY "bothered" if someone ran a background check on my best friend due to HIS issues...and would be doubly pissed if I were the best friend who had some random guy invading my privacy like this!
Load More Replies... What if this background check reveals she's friends with someone on the sex offenders register or a pedophile? wouldn't that make the background check worth it?
background check on her, big maybe but her family AND friends.. like seriously, if i were one of the friends I would be super ticked, complete invasion of privacy, he wasn't marrying the friends.
OP doesn't mention the culture(s), if relevant? It can be. In many countries written consent is required, and its not the sort of thing just anyone has access to. Bank, court, health records etc. And as the OP was unaware it suggests at least some confidentiality laws being broken, systems being hacked? Who do these people think they are? I would respond with the law.
I would not care if my hubby ran background check, I have nothing to hide. I want him to marry me knowing the good, bad & ugly. If he knows who I am & my family & still wants to marry me, I can be more comfortable around him
I don't think you're an asshole but I do think you're overreacting. Women do this all the time. It's a little odd but does it even matter, if you love each other then let it go.
ESH - Hubs by not getting her consent before doing the check, and wife by blowing up in front of the family rather than discussing it with him in private. But at the same time, NAH - Hubs for wanting to make sure there are no secrets that will bite him in the ass later, and wife for being pissed off that he didn't ask her first. All in all, I'm going slightly with ESH over NAH, mostly for the lack of trust and consent.
I would do a background check too, no point being stupid, i wonder how people would react if she had done it to him instead, everyone would be applauding her wisdom but the guy is a psychopath for being cautious? People are such hypocrites, now if she really wants to show up her wits, instead of being another whiner on here, run a background check on him down the road
Wtf is wrong w you? You hate women is that it? He is a liar. Why would anyone stay w a liar. All he had to do was tell her the truth but nope he's a selfish lying sociopath coward that only cares about himself. How do you frigging still not know what consent is? Her family and friends too?? He did not give her a choice. She did not have all the information about him she should've had bc he's a conniving liar. He ruined their relationship bc it based on lies. Consent consent consent. Respect other people and give them a choice do not take their choices away by lying but as oer your comment I'm guessing you lie on a regular basis and utterly disrespect anyone that doesn't agree w you.
Load More Replies... Only a fool would not investigate a potential life partner! Only those with something to hide would object. His mistake was not informing her of this and suggesting she also investigate him. Privacy or secrets between husband and wife should be minimal. If their pasts are not revealed before marriage they could become a huge factor in future divorce as the facts usually come to the forefront .
Consent was all that was needed instead he lied and connived and gaslit. He's a pos.
Load More Replies... God some of the people in US are just odd, very very shallow and odd. In UK and Europe we don't do personal checks, you know why? Because we aren't that shallow or insecure. If a lover/ gf/ wife did that on me , it would be over.
🙄 Oh shut the hell up. This isn't a US thing.
Load More Replies... I wouldn't really care if I found out my spouse ran a background check on me, he wouldn't find anything of interest anyway. I have also had a friend meet, fall in love and marry someone only to find out that he was already married and was leading a double life. She now runs a background check on absolutely everyone she dates, standard procedure, and I think it's smart to do so. I don't think you need to get permission to do that either, after all you are looking for information that they haven't told you about. It seems impractical these days not to do some kind of googling or background check on those that are close to us. Maybe I watch a little too much true crime though...
Why wouldn't he want to know if she was an axe murderer? I mean, it's not a likely problem, but if you plan to marry someone, perhaps you want to know if they have a criminal record before making that decision.
You can't be an adult and ask them? You have to do a secret background check without their permission? That's f****d up and if someone feels they have to do that when dating someone, they shouldn't be dating. At the bare minimum, they should be asking permission first before doing it
Load More Replies... I think he could have told her about it, but I don't think he was wrong to do that early in their relationship. Obviously he was fine with her and was able to build trust in her after the fact. I don't see what the problem is. And I would be saying the same thing if she had done it to him. She could have had a calm talk about it with him and let her know she was upset. Her flying off the handle was uncalled for.
YTA. These days, he'd be a fool not to do a background on people who want to associate with him. He did it discreetly. She did not have to snoop into his private information.
You didn't read the story. And how is she in the wrong when he lied to her for years and didn't get consent for her or her loved ones. That's stalking. We have always against that in the US
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