MIL Keeps Criticizing Daughter’s Performances Right To Her Face, Family Drama Ensues When Mom Tells Husband To Stop Inviting Her
Some grandmas can be brutally honest and go straight to the point without considering the heavy weight their words carry. Sadly, this behavior sometimes leads to them completely erasing the line that shouldn’t be crossed. A few days ago, Reddit user vertical-shift-1967 took her story to the AITA community to ask for guidance after an argument with her husband and mother-in-law.
The user and her partner have a 13-year-old daughter who plays the piano and sometimes participates in plays and recitals outside of school. The part that’s troubling the user is that her spouse always invites his mother to every single one of the girl’s performances. “Not saying he shouldn’t — BUT many times she’d put my daughter down and point out where she ‘messed up’ and what she needed to work on,” the user wrote.
So the woman decided it was time to put an end to her daughter feeling miserable and unsure of her own abilities. She told her husband the grandmother should stop attending their daughter’s plays unless she quits giving “constructive criticism” right to her face. However, imagine the user’s surprise when her husband sided with his mother. Continue scrolling to find out the whole story and be sure to share your thoughts about it in the comments.
Recently, this woman opened up about an argument that occurred after she had enough of her mother-in-law constantly criticizing her daughter
Image credits: bradjavernick (not the actual photo)
She turned to the AITA subreddit to ask whether or not she went too far
Image credits: Pixabay (not the actual photo)
Later on, the user added some more context to the story
To learn more about how to better deal with such incidents and why so often family members tend to be our worst critics, we reached out to Judy Bartkowiak, a family therapist, coach, and author of Understanding Children and Teens: A Practical Guide for Parents, Teachers and Coaches. She told Bored Panda that we cannot control what others do, “especially not critical grannies!”
The therapist suggested it would be better to find another way to tackle the issue rather than exclude the grandmother. “Instead, try ‘Mother, we really appreciate you taking the time to attend our daughter’s performances and it’s really helpful for her to know what she did well as she’s already so self-critical. This would be so helpful, maybe for the next piece, listen for what you liked in particular’.”
This is what the therapist calls a “feedback sandwich”, and it also focuses on the behavior you prefer rather than concentrating on things you don’t want. “What we focus on, we notice more, and therefore we actually encourage it,” Bartkowiak explained.
As the woman wrote in her post, the girl takes her grandmother’s words to heart and is often left feeling upset. The therapist guessed such behavior could relate to the lady’s own childhood, or it could be nerves. “But more likely, it is what we call in NLP [Neuro-linguistic programming] a ‘mismatch pattern’ where we naturally notice what’s wrong.”
“You’ll find this in scientists particularly because that’s what makes them good surgeons, doctors, etc. because they pay attention to what’s wrong,” Bartkowiak added. “Instead of being critical back — think of a way to ease her into more of a matching pattern but do it gently as she may really not be aware of how it’s impacting your daughter.” She advised that people should be on the lookout for the positive intention and assume there is one.
When asked why the husband sided with his mother on this issue, the family therapist mentioned he’s “possibly used to this pattern and knows she means no harm and loves her granddaughter.”
Bartkowiak added that the grandmother seems attentive and wants to be helpful. “Her son needs to gently point out that whilst he appreciates she’s trying to show her love by being helpful, we all learn differently. Some learn by wanting to correct what they got wrong and others learn by doing more of what they got right,” she said and added that his mother probably fails to realize her granddaughter learns differently. “Once she realizes and focuses on what she’s done well, all will be well.”
Here’s what Redditors had to say about this situation
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To paraphrase Dear Prudence, this isn't an MIL problem, this is a husband problem.
It's the piano teacher's job to dole out criticism. It sounds as if the grandmother is trying to get the 13-year-old to stop playing the piano and the mama's boy is in cahoots. Musical education is not a waste. It builds self-discipline, appreciation for the arts (which helps ticket sales so that professional musicians can make a living), it's good for the brain, amateur musicians can collaborate with other musicians which builds social bonds, and some amateurs hold concerts to raise funds for charity.
In this world, piano skill can be a much more practical way to make extra money than a typical part time job. You can try to pull 20 hours a week at target in addition to your day job, or you can offer a service from home through Fiverr that very few people are able to. Most kids aren't building real world job skills anyway.
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NTA. Here's a tip. Every time your husband does something you criticize it with a smile. He will eventually explode, you sweetly say it's constructive criticism. Keep it up but don't explain. See how he likes that! I expect he'll run to his mummy and tell her and while he's there you change the locks on all the doors, give you daughter a hug and all will be well. What an a*****e little man who loves his mummy more than his daughter. YUK
Both husband and MIL. She also needs to be on the receiving end of every little criticism OP can think of.
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If the MIL is not the daughter's piano teacher, she needs to pipe down and stay in her lane. Her job is to listen silently and then say what a delight it was to see her granddaughter perform. If she can't do that, and if dad won't support the wellbeing of his daughter, then they need to be uninvited to every recital.
She should get the MIL together with the piano teacher and get the teacher's reaction to the MIL's "criticism"... while the husband is also present.
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This might work. Depends how much of a people pleaser they are. It may be hard for her to say that she doesn't want grandma there. She may need to know that mom and dad will give her top cover.
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I am a musician. My daughter has a PhD in musicology. I went to countless concerts and performances. Unless grandma is there at every practice, there is no point to criticizing a performance. That's the time to offer positive encouragement. Personally, I miss the wonderful concerts I used to attend when my daughter was younger. Also, a layman has no business criticizing the performance of a child. You cannot compare the performance of a young music student with whatever it is you listen to in a record or professional performance. If she was that good, she'd be touring the world. I'd like to see grandma on stage in front of a grand piano. That I'd pay good money for.
CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is when you tell someone what you liked about what they've done, but also what they can do to improve it. If it's all negative, doesn't say anything positive and offers no advice on how to improve-- it is NOT constructive. It's destructive. Also, saying that the grandmother is there for 'support' is laughable. She's not supporting, she's undermining. Honestly, that mother needs to get her daughter away from those toxic people. Continuously putting the daughter down is only going to destroy any self-confidence she has and she's going to feel that, no matter what she does and how hard she tries, it will never be good enough. She'll stop trying.
Granny wants GD to be a 'Dr' so she can be 'worth' something. I think Granny isn't worth the less than $3 of chemicals her nasty body is made of.
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Agreeing with his mom, IS supporting her! You and your daughter should come first. And if he is incapable of doing this then you really do need to examine your marriage. I would visit a therapist and discuss this behavior of his snd how it affects his daughter. There is nothing worse for a daughter to understand or see in action, that her father does not support her, he interests and allows his own mother, her grandmother to criticize her. His mother is taking her hate out on your daughter and that means she is the biggest as*hole. Then cones your husband and then you. Do jot let this continue. It will really affect your daughter snd all her future relationships with men! She will have such low self esteem, she will choose men like her dad and even pick female friends along the same lines. Because she thinks she isn't good enough Or deserves the best. Go see a therapist now and then leave that self righteous husband of yours.
This sounds like my own mother. She’s hyper critical and I’ve grown up into someone who needs a lot of reassurance that they are doing the right thing and I constantly blame myself if something goes wrong. If I have ever challenged her about her comments she is dumbfounded, she doesn’t realise that she’s doing it. She just naturally seems to see the negative. I’m glad that I don’t.
Divorce that guy. He will not change his ways and you and your daughter will suffer. He needs to marry his mother I think.
Both the MIL and husband are abusive monsters. The mother MUST protect her child as her first priority. If that means divorcing the husband, she must do it.
Everytime I read something like this, it makes me even more grateful for the grandmother that I had. She didn't come to our performances, but she was still proud that we were doing things. Not only that, but she really cared about my mom and would never have dreamed of disrupting my parents' marriage.
There's tell it how it is, and then there's just being plain rude for the sake of having granddaughter drop piano completely. OP doesn't realize MIL and hubby trying to kidnap child's future by shoving her I to medical field she doesn't want to be in. They projecting their life goals they never made?
MIL and husband are major douchebags! Husband is worse because he doesn't care that Mommy is hurting his child. Another AITA where hubby doesn't support wife and takes Mommy's side. Single ladies--when people say, "the way he treats his mother is an indication of how he'll treat you," make sure you look for red flags. If he's constantly taking Mom's ridiculous stances, run away. So many men are huge p#ssies and won't stand up for you when MOMMY is being ridiculous. I would ban both of them from going. Piano playing will enhance whatever career SHE chooses because it'll help her focus later.
No-one has to he right to tell their child what career path they should follow. This isn't the 18th century! Get rid of both of these assholes or she will never be happy again, and neither will her mother.
This is one narcissistic MIL and the husband is her flying monkey. I can smell this one from a 1000 miles away. Absolutely disgusting she's bullying her granddaughter into hating the piano just because she hates the piano and doesn't want her daughter playing it. This is clearly what's happening. And cornering the mom into a corner by accusing her of "wasting her husband's money on piano lessons", very obvious this is a manipulation tactic the MIL is using to get the husband to bend to her side and gang up on his wife. It's their daughter who's suffering the most in all this. 13 is a very fragile time for mental health and the MIL is careless driving her granddaughter into depression and low self-esteem just over not liking pianos. So immature. This MIL needs to grow up, respect boundaries and leave the parents alone before there's a divorce. That may actually happen in the near future.
My opinion for what it is worth is this...I think your MILs snide remarks are her way of getting to you since she cannot go too far criticising you openly or your husband would have to defend you.Your daughter is a casualty of that silent war between you and the MIL...this needs to stop...get the piano teacher to be present next time and introduce her to your MIL casually saying your MIL is an expert on piano and since she is of the opinion your daughters playing is not as it should be please point out to the teacher,on the music sheet ,where she thinks she went wrong and what needs to be worked on. I bet MIL cannot read music and that will make her lose face....oh,and tell your daughter you are going to do this,but also that you think she is doing GREAT...after all,she must be doing good after 4 years of piano-playing or the teacher would not be asking her to perform as it does reflect back on her. For the sake of all concerned stop arguing with your husband and focus on your child
NTA. Can't even stress it enough. I had similar thing going on when I was younger when I was in the same position as your daughter. Don't let the woman bully your daughter. And your husband is coward and seems like he is toxic at the same time. It's his daughter and His mother.
I'm sorry but I'm one who speaks my mind and I would have look right at the MIL and said the biggest disappointment today was YOU. I had a grandmother who only liked one kid in each family. My sister was the favorite in ours. Granny dearist knew I loved animals and when I was about 8 she told me how her neighbors drowned a litter of kittens. She been dead for 20 years or more I have no fond memories of hers to this day I hate her. That is what your daughter is going to have as memories if you husband doesn't stop it now and in this case she'll remember her father not sticking up for her!
(1) "Disappointing" is not constructive criticism. Constructive criticism addresses specific weaknesses in a performance AND suggests improvements. It's also tempered with constructive compliments. (2) MIL doesn't play the piano, therefore she's unqualified to offer any criticism at all.
Myfirst husband, the father of my kids, was a different flavor of this behavior. It's called "damning with faint praise." It's toxic as h**l. I eventually left him, but not before he had done significant damage to them, and to some extent, to me. I wish I had left a lot earlier. Please, please try to find a way to get her and yourself out of there. I know how difficult that can be.
My take on this situation is that the child is being used as a scapegoat. The mil doesn't like you and she's using the child to hurt you indirectly. First of all neither your mil nor her father have the right to decide your daughter's profession. It will be her life's work and therefore her choice and her's alone to make. I don't know if you are a stay at home Mom or if you work but you need to get your child away from Cruella de Ville and her son Dracula. This is a crucial time in your daughter's development. The absolute last thing she needs at this time is a bunch of negative critical crap. Let me be absolutely clear if you continue this way you are teaching her to accept abuse as a way of life. You, your husband and his mother are grooming her to be an object to be abused. If you love her get her away from both of them. Make sure you get physical custody and until they've both had therapy they should have supervised visitation. Your husband is remiss in his responsibility.
Of course, you have a husband problem, not a mil problem. This is how he was raised and he thinks this is normal. Pretty soon, he is going to be talking to your daughter like this too because he thinks she is old enough to no longer be “coddled.” Give him a choice on who you call - marriage counselling or a divorce lawyer because this isn’t going to get better.
You know, when I was younger I was one of those terrified to talk girls/women (depending on my age) mostly due to being bizarrely hard on myself. No idea why I was that way but I was my own worst enemy, constantly pointing out my own immaturity and telling myself I'm clearly not ready to date. Many years later, worked out for the best, happily married. I'm definitely not perfect, still always pointing out flaws to myself while making an effort improve. But then I read things like this, see the types of men other women have married and had children with and think to myself.... What the hell was young me so worried about. Even at my worst version I feel like I had more sense than these guys. I'm all for constructive criticism but there's clearly so much more immaturity and pettiness going on here from the husband and mother in law.
Huge difference between self criticism and being critical of others. At least you were in charge of it. And it was all internal. Glad it worked out for you.
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If she stays married to this man, then she is simply perpetuating the abuse. If papa can't cut his mama's apron strings, then she'll have to cut hers, before her daughter is so damaged by the abuse it will be too late. It almost is now. She's 13. If she's going to try and save her daughter's self-esteem, she doesn't have a lot of time left.
One of my 3 daughter's took [expensive] piano lessons, entered competitions and won silver cups. I went along to every lesson, every exam and every concert. As her teacher advised her : if you make a mistake, e.g. miss a note, keep going, because the only person who will notice is me (the teacher) - no-one in the audience will notice"
Next time uninvited the Monster In Law and when she shows up, announce loudly that she was not invited. Hubby continues, DIVORCE HIM OVER MENTAL CRUELTY
Shouldn't use his daughter....in an argument about whether someone in said daughters life is a positive influence or purely negative? And he considers her passioms a waste of time because they don't align with the dreams he decided to project onto her? Really? And you let him stay in your life? Sounds like you need to kick him and his mom entirely out of her life. At least until and unless the daughter herself wishes to reestablish contact with them.
Also screw that therapist in particular. This grandmother isn't giving "constructive criticism" she's consistently insulting a child because she wants to discourage her from a hobby she sees as a waste if time and money. It's abusive and toxic and should never be tolerated or danced around with kid gloves to protect the abusers ego. You are not entitled to a relationship with someone. Particularly someone you abuse. Even if you have blood or legal relation to them. Not parents, and definitely not grandparents.
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I agree that the husband sounds like an abuser, and the mom reacts like she has been abused for a long time. Does she even know it? The best thing would be, for her and her daughter to get away from the husband and his nasty mother.
Nope,I would have gone down and filed for a divorce the very next day,packed his crap and dropped it off on mom's doorstep. Nobody is speaking to my child like that once not to mention numerous times and if my spouse backed them up then they would have a nice long future together because he is her creation. You should never subject your child to this because it is causing harm more and more over time, especially at such a pivotal time in her development. Trust me she will confront everyone later in life about this or if it keeps happening she may just stop coming home to visit. If you haven't protected her from this then you are just as much to blame. As a parent she is your priority not your husband and if he treats her this way he is a horrible father.
Wow, it surprises and disgusts me when people don’t see verbal abuse. This is abusive behavior from all 3 adults that’s clearly lasted for a long time, likely since the child was born. MIL starts it, husband supports his MIL’s abuse and the mother tries to stop the MIL but her husband makes her second guess herself to go online to get the publics opinion and has stopped nothing and instead of calling it abuse, she’s calling it constructive criticism.?. That’s total BS and there’s absolutely no excuse when abusing a child like this. Learn what abuse is people and how it will 100% effect that child negatively for the rest of their lives!
Since OP doesn't seem to want out of the toxic relationship, I would suggest gathering every scientific article about the benefits of music and having the mother and daughter jointly present them to the father and MIL. The piano teacher might be able to help direct you to the articles. If scientific proof won't sway them, then they just view any investment into your child as a financial loss.
NTA. Divorce your husband IMMEDIATELY. End of story, no explanation needed. He is God DM ashl...
Your husband is the problem. Deal with him, and stop allowing your daughter to be treated like s**t.
NTA!!! OMG! Daddy and MIL are proceeding to ruin your daughter’s life! Self-esteem is vital to survive in this world and they are doing everything they can to tear that down. You would both be so much better without those two assholes… Sorry, do you what you will …….SAVE YOURSELVES!!
Your husband needs a wake up call! Your daughter deserves better. My dad always put me down PLUS was physically abusive. I am glad he is dead, I hope he suffered before he died. Start criticizing your husband and his mother, people that dense need to be treated like they are treating a family member.
We all agree on the verdict. I'd like to give guidance, as an art student, to people who are genuinely wondering how to critique a child IN GOOD FAITH TO NURTURE SKILL AND CONFIDENCE. 1. Any critique is designed to guide the student in their goal of being better at their craft. 2. A critique should encourage them to continue even if they seem "bad at it." 3. If you're not in a mentor position, you're not asked for feedback, or you receive art as a gift, DO NOT critique. Find SOMETHING good about it to praise, then enthusiastically display/share because they're the one who did/made it and you love everything they do/make. 4. A good critique for a child first praises the strongest elements: "You nailed your D-Chords," "the drawing has so much energy." Notice improvements and acknowledge hard work. "The bridge was a lot cleaner, I can tell you've been practicing! You're so diligent!" "You've really gotten good at drawing paws." Then present criticisms as friendly tips:
"You were going for impact in the third movement and I think that hitting the keys harder will get that emotion across better next time."/ "See how the tail is just barely touching the edge of the paper? Drawings look better composed when objects are either cut off or have some space around them." Most importantly, end with an enthusiastic"I love it, I'm so proud of you, and I'm going to share this with everyone!"
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Mama's boy needs to grow up , & build his daughter up, & who let's ANYONE talk to their own child like that? If I was you, I'd take my daughter & get out of there, because mil is embedding negative feelings in the daughter & she Will grow up not believing in herself. I'm living proof.This is very toxic,& if "mama's boy" doesn't care you need to leave him now!
I agree with the ETA except the daughter comment. I'm surprised she is still performing. I refused to perform for family when I was that age.
Piano playing requires many skills that can be useful as a doctor: attention to detail, use of muscle memory, focus, dedication. The MIL Iis abusive, but also wrong. Besides, college applications are made better ny extra curricular activities like this
MIL is a f*****g idiot. Learning to read music and play an instrument is incredibly useful. Kids who learn music growing up perform better. Your husband is Momma's lap dog. Since she obviously means so much more than you and baby girl, he should go live with her. Y'all don't need that s**t
NTA at all, there are also a ridiculous number of studies that show how learning to play an instrument is beneficial to brain development. I agree with what others said, constructive criticism is something like, I noticed that you hold your hands up really high when playing, after a while that can cause carpal tunnel syndrome, it is healthiest to keep the wrists parallel to the arms. What she said is not constructive, it is incredibly destructive as is evidenced by the daughter quitting.
Tell grandma her fingers have to be nimble and know how to do hamonious preprogramed movements if she is going to be that world class brain surgeon. I want to come punch gma and husband in the teeth for f*****g up an other generation
ExpertDogSnuggler has some genuine wisdom to share. I used to have to take my daughter out after mandatory summers with her father (divorce) because he felt it was his job to pick on her in order to "toughen her up". As soon as she was old enough, she went no-contact with his whole family. My poor kiddo will be unpacking that childhood trauma for YEARS.
I come from a medical family. We all play at least one instrument. There is support from multiple scientific studies that learning to read and understand music improves cognitive abilities, especially memory. In addition, playing an instrument increases dexterity in the hands. So a doctor huh? Possibly a surgeon? Seems like a good memory and nimble hands would be an asset to a lot of careers. Then again, being confident and self-assured can be a pretty big advantage too. Maybe dad and grandma should look up the meaning of constructive versus supportive, or dare I say "nurturing."
OP NTA. Granny is a 2nd rate c*nt, and 'Daddy' is a gaslighter. Make plans to get you and your talented daughter away from those vicious freaks! See a divorce attorney and know your options before approaching him. Then offer marriage counseling. If he turns it down, walk and start proceedings. Do it for your daughter's mental health.
Music and medicine are intrinsically math-based, help create deeper critical thinking and can help foster empathy, provide great brain and hand stimulation, and you will find more people in the medical field have an ear for good music, whatever their taste may be. G'ma, apparently, is neither of these things, and so is unable to see beyond the tip of her nose. The definition of 'short-sightedness'. Husband is a Mama's boy, having been gaslit for most of his life and now afraid to see the problem for what it is. What a shame.
NTA Sounds kinda like a tug-of-war between the wife & MIL, over a husband who really isn't worth it. What sort of dad thinks bringing his daughter to tears is okay?? He should be more interested in making his partner & daughter happy, and less worried that mommy won't love him anymore if he stands up for his family. I couldn't tolerate my partner treating our child like crap. And as for the MIL, well, some people never realize what nasty a**holes they are & that no one cares what their opinion is. Tell her. And your husband.
Give it a few years and daughter will probably limit visits home, won't go to any family events her grandma attends, both will be so shocked and asking what they've done to deserve this.
I'm a grandmother and it would stun me to hear another GG being mean for no reason a grandchild can fathom, it's disgusting and from one grandma/mom to a daughter, your mil does not like your child, she has nothing for her son and it shows, it's guilt that brings her to watch or her son saying "we'll convince her she's wasting her time mom, don't let up" Grands are to brag and talk about how their grandchild is the most talented, brilliant piano player ever, that's what clear thinking grands do anyway, that b***h mil has a lot of anger in her and your husband needs to cut the f*****g cord and tell his mother to f**k off if he wants to keep his family.
Personally I’d kick both the husband as well as the MILs asses. This is totally not acceptable. This is cruel and if dad can’t see how bitchy his mom is he needs to be slapped up side his fat head. I don’t care if the child sucks eggs at her performance..it’s not the MILs place to criticize. Hubby should be ashamed of himself. Kick him in his twig and berries. This makes me f#$&ing furious.
When my ex used to criticize or make our daughter feel bad about herself in any way, I would just tell her " don't listen to him baby." Or something to to make her not feel anymore how her dad made her feel. Also how you parent (s) speak to you when your young has various outcomes. My mom was critical about my my weight, appearance, friends.. everything. Made me have confidence issues. I took the exact opposite approach with my daughter.
Imo, narcissistic toxicity from that side of the family. The grandmother clearly doesn't give a s**t what her words do to her granddaughters emotions. And when she dipped to a hair appointment with a flippant comment of, "oh I have to go now, bye." and left her granddaughter crying after telling her that her entire performance was a disappointment shows that she doesn't care. And OP needs to get rid of the husband as well. Defending his mother after everything she has done puts him in the same boat. He's basically enabling his mom to do what she is to the child and telling OP that he "doesn't give a s**t" by saying OP is "just being dramatic" and "over reacting" the whole side of the family needs to go OP, divorce him, take your daughter and book. NTA
What OP said about her MIL thinking that playing the piano is not an effective use of time for the daughter is what is at the heart of this. Grandma is obviously a woman who considers her opinion the only "correct" opinion, and is used to everyone falling in line behind her. I doubt she even realizes how hurtful her attitude and comments are. My grandma was similar. Not as oblivious and high-handed as this grandma, but similiar. If there was something I was or was not doing that she thought needed to be done, or done differently, I would be sure to hear about it. She was used to doing this to my mom, who would meekly fall into line. I, however, was not meek, nor did I know that this was just her way. Another case of "constructive criticism". My mom understood that it didn't mean her mom didn't love her, but I was not such an easy, agreeable case. I never forgave my grandma for some of the more egregious things she said, and she died when I was 22 without any of it being resolved.
Meaning no harm rarely equates to causing no harm. Hubby never read that when he takes a wife he leaves his ...Genesis 2:24. This many years into it, wife and kids must cut ties and make him pay for the cruel immaturity he shows. Stay in the house, cite the obvious irreconcilable differences, don't forget mental cruelty and emotional abuse. Get a good divorce attorney.
This was my childhood, except EVERYONE gave me nothing but negative comments, insults and put downs. My brothers, just because they're mean, my grandmother because that's how she was raised, and her daughter, my mom. At 15, I let my mom read my poetry book. All she said was "They're so depressing..". Well, no s**t Mom, maybe I'm depressed from all you aholes treating me like crap.
Daughter can do whatever she likes with her life. She’s not the Grand Monsters posession. OP needs to divorce his a**e and removed her kid from this toxic environment
NTA: listen you can just cut him off entirely don't invite him to anything ignore his messages, or you criticize him till he knows what it feels like. You could just speak to mil about it but I feel like that would make her even more angry for no reason 😒
This is where YOU, as the mom, counteract the negative feedback by encouraging your daughter in her music. For every negative comment that grandma gives ("constructive criticism", my ass! I'm an artist, and I KNOW what constructive criticism looks like!), be your daughter's biggest cheerleader!! And I wouldn't be surprised if your daughter's piano teacher overheard your MIL's destructive criticism (because that what it truly is), and is incensed by it!! And shame on dad for taking up his mother's side!! He should be on his little girl's (AND your) side and tell old mummy to back off of his daughter!! Who knows? One day, that girl may become a famous musician playing before thousands, and she will have critical acclaim!! She will praise you as one of the ones who never doubted her and always believed in her! As far as "gangsta grandma" and "daddy dearest", she'll acknowledge them, sure; but they CANNOT take credit for her success!!
She can come if she agrees to only say positive things. A grandparent's disapproval can really damage you. Why would you ever want to insult or belittle your grandchild ? They can achieve more when they are confident . They can become doctors even if they aren't the absolute best at everything. You've got find a better balance between encouraging growth without causing harm. You aren't the coach/teacher , it's not your job to critique . The best thing about being a grandparent is you don't have to do the hard parts, you get to be the fun loving person . That's your job , to love them ... let their parents deal with the tough stuff
American colleges actually give preference to students who have well rounded interests and display an ability to have a work/life balance. I live in Australia and I know that
As someone who grew up with a toxic grandma I am telling you to get out now. My grandma was a little more subtle in her criticisms which she doled out in a way that made it seem acceptable. Well here I am at 30 in therapy because of the damage she did. We realized how toxic she was after she moved and we had a little distance but I would be lying if I said I also didn’t hold resentment to my parents from not protecting me from her. Literally all of my issues stem from the grandma. I’ve been NC for close to 8 years and although I’m much happier I struggle from the damage of her demanding perfection in every way. So please….protect your child.
Constructive critism? Heck no! She just puts the granddaughter down! If it' constructive, then she HELPS the granddaughter get better by showing her how and supporting her. Horrible MIL and husband! Mother isn't helping either by not confronting MIL!
My worry for the little girl is the MIL and hubby are going to force her onto a path of being a Dr., and she won't have confidence to stand up for herself. For every "helpful criticism" she gets, it negates 20 compliments. at 15, I went to live with my aunt and uncle. My aunt was one for helpful criticism. I remember those remarks, and can't remember a compliment she ever gave me (she did, though).
I'm a piano teacher. This is not okay. I think your husband is not fully understanding how this is affecting your daughter; he was probably raised the same way and thought nothing of it. Let him follow after your sobbing daughter and try to comfort her, maybe that would wake him up! Like I said, as a piano teacher, the fact that she is playing in recitals outside of school tells me that she has some talent, and that she enjoys (or at least did enjoy) playing. Keep encouraging her, and tell her not to listen to her grandmother in this!
I'm all for honestly but I'm tired of people being straight up mean and hiding under the guise of "Telling it like it is". No, you're just an ahole.
I would think that at 13 year old should have a say in if they want their grandparent invited to their performance or not. I mean I would get it if they were 8, that the parents would just decide for them, but 13 should be able to be asked, "hey do you enjoy grandma coming to your performances or does her feedback make her too hard to deal with?" 13 is not a baby.
I would f*****g deck the guy over this criticism b******t n his disgusting attitude because 1! It's just not ok! N 2! I was once told by a very snotty posh mob art tutor in school myself, that I was just receiving "constructive criticism" for not trying harder to be a f*****g perfectionist artist like her! I was the was one of the only few students she bullied about my art skills because we had the balls to talk back n weren't teachers pets or good girl cheerleader trophy winners we were mediocre n cheeky n f*****g assertive n also very happy with that. The teacher was such a b***h I had to put in a complaint n said it was causing ne grief, I couldn't concentrate in art class because of her micro-managing criticism behaviour n I knew my artwork was good nigh on brilliant lol because all the other staff told me I was good n they actually disagreed with her. Eventually, it went to the headmaster who had to wonder if she was worth the hassle n she was sent packing.
You AND your daughter need to sit down with dad and tell him how it makes her feel. Doesn't he know that teenage girls are self-conscious ENOUGH without being ridiculed by family members? Grandma is also ruining her relationship with her. The arts are great for kids and helps them succeed in other areas. My son plays violin, and gave lessons and played at weddings and other events during college. He earned WAY more than he would at a retail or restaurant job! Your daughter could also. I've always wanted to play piano, but I'm a lefty. My right hand was never strong enough to get it properly. Please stop inviting grandma, and tell her why--- she doesn't seem to enjoy your daughter's performances and is actually being emotionally abusive. If dad doesn't agree, don't let his ass know the dates either! Don't let anyone ruin her love for performing!!!!
Instead of pointing the finger about who is the a hole and who's wrong .You should be a united front .All three of you.Being able to take constructive criticism adds to ones character. Grandma seems like she is more pragmatic than the hugs and kisses type.And you should be teaching her how to handle criticism not blocking her form it Just because it doesn't take good doesn't mean it's not ood for you.The word is tough and mean.Grandma is just a warmup for what lies ahead.and you should showing that young lady how you solve problems not continue the arguments.No ozone winsss thatwaayyIm just saying be a bad ass b***h.
This is an excellent opportunity to teach the daughter how to handle the unwanted, unwarranted criticism that comes to all of us in life. Teach her what to say in response, how to process this emotionally, and where to find confidence when others are attempting to undermine it. Call the MIL out on her disrespectful behaviour and challenge her to treat others the way she wants to be treated. Dad needs some classes on parenting. Go to family counseling, for everyone's sake. We cannot remove all of the negative things that happen to our children, and perhaps nor should we. Better to teach them how to handle it, stay strong, and bounce back.
My Dr. is also a concert organist on the pipe organ and plays once a week at noon in the city centre, free, for all to enjoy. Musical training is good for eye-hand coordination and increases mental flexibility, both of which are vital for anyone entering the medical profession. Your husband and his mother are both uneducated and short-sighted if they don't appreciate this fact.
"Of course these are just kids, not professionals. Her piano teacher wants to give her artistic feedback and has asked parents and guests to just enjoy the show. I know you enjoyed it as much as we did." Boom.
What I find even worse, beyond the supposed "constructive criticism" is the fact that both this poor child's grandmother and father WANT her to to become a doctor or something in the medical field even though she doesn't WANT to be. This day in age...you don't get to choose what your child wants to become when they get older. That's a controlling behavior that raises all sorts of red flags. Bet you ten to one that 'Chloe' doesn't get any of this from Dear Ol' "constructive criticism" Granny.
Sounds to me like the MIL is doing it on purpose, since she believes the piano lessons are a waste of time. Just watch and see her response when she sees the daughter stop playing. It's going to be "ser, I told you ir was a waste of money."
People are seriously calling the man abusive and saying she should divorce him? What a bunch of typical, arrogant, entitled, WOMEN! Protecting your child from all criticism is not being a good parent. The real world is full of harsh criticism. The kid needs to know what she's doing wrong to do better, but not too harshly. And someone said it's not constructive criticism if the person runs away crying. Uh, no, that's not what defines constructive criticism.
Oh... Oh wow. If you think that playing piano isn't helpful for anything you're sorely mistaken. Musicians are far more intelligent on average than non musicians because playing music forces different parts of the brain to work together. It's also an amazing creative outlet, and you can be a doctor who plays piano to relax and express themselves. (The university I attend is specifically well known for its music and medical programs so you tell me how they don't go together.)
Well I'd tell little grammar ma. She should say sorry. Then I'd tell her to keep her mouth shout. And if she didn't little that.id tell to shove it And then hubby need to be put in his place and stand up to her. It his daughter also. Whats? ..... he's afraid to say something to mommy? U did did the right thing.
Man everyone is so revenge heavy. Odds are dad agrees with mil because that's how he was raised, so he thinks it's the "right way," it's not an indicator of abuse himself per se but it's definitely not helping. But everyone is absolutely correct that "the performance sucked" is not constructive criticism, there's nothing specific in there and nothing about how to improve. I am of the opinion that there is a fair chance MIL is doing it on purpose to get the daughter to quit, and if so, then yes, *she* is absolutely being abusive by coming to shows she doesn't seem to even like just to put her granddaughter down. Getting dad to agree would be the hard part, however.
Gotta take this with a grain of salt. People are so soft now and unable to handle the slightest criticism. Its possible the grandmother is just an old mean jerk, but also possible that she has only said mild criticism like "work on this a little more". Its not bad to give criticism, but when that's all you get it can be upsetting. It would be better if she said "you nailed this but struggled here so maybe work a little more here". I just have a feeling OP might be a little sensitive/dramatic and one of those "don't ever criticize my kid, they're perfect" type parents that have become so common lately.
To paraphrase Dear Prudence, this isn't an MIL problem, this is a husband problem.
It's the piano teacher's job to dole out criticism. It sounds as if the grandmother is trying to get the 13-year-old to stop playing the piano and the mama's boy is in cahoots. Musical education is not a waste. It builds self-discipline, appreciation for the arts (which helps ticket sales so that professional musicians can make a living), it's good for the brain, amateur musicians can collaborate with other musicians which builds social bonds, and some amateurs hold concerts to raise funds for charity.
In this world, piano skill can be a much more practical way to make extra money than a typical part time job. You can try to pull 20 hours a week at target in addition to your day job, or you can offer a service from home through Fiverr that very few people are able to. Most kids aren't building real world job skills anyway.
Load More Replies... NTA. Here's a tip. Every time your husband does something you criticize it with a smile. He will eventually explode, you sweetly say it's constructive criticism. Keep it up but don't explain. See how he likes that! I expect he'll run to his mummy and tell her and while he's there you change the locks on all the doors, give you daughter a hug and all will be well. What an a*****e little man who loves his mummy more than his daughter. YUK
Both husband and MIL. She also needs to be on the receiving end of every little criticism OP can think of.
Load More Replies... If the MIL is not the daughter's piano teacher, she needs to pipe down and stay in her lane. Her job is to listen silently and then say what a delight it was to see her granddaughter perform. If she can't do that, and if dad won't support the wellbeing of his daughter, then they need to be uninvited to every recital.
She should get the MIL together with the piano teacher and get the teacher's reaction to the MIL's "criticism"... while the husband is also present.
Load More Replies... This might work. Depends how much of a people pleaser they are. It may be hard for her to say that she doesn't want grandma there. She may need to know that mom and dad will give her top cover.
Load More Replies... I am a musician. My daughter has a PhD in musicology. I went to countless concerts and performances. Unless grandma is there at every practice, there is no point to criticizing a performance. That's the time to offer positive encouragement. Personally, I miss the wonderful concerts I used to attend when my daughter was younger. Also, a layman has no business criticizing the performance of a child. You cannot compare the performance of a young music student with whatever it is you listen to in a record or professional performance. If she was that good, she'd be touring the world. I'd like to see grandma on stage in front of a grand piano. That I'd pay good money for.
CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is when you tell someone what you liked about what they've done, but also what they can do to improve it. If it's all negative, doesn't say anything positive and offers no advice on how to improve-- it is NOT constructive. It's destructive. Also, saying that the grandmother is there for 'support' is laughable. She's not supporting, she's undermining. Honestly, that mother needs to get her daughter away from those toxic people. Continuously putting the daughter down is only going to destroy any self-confidence she has and she's going to feel that, no matter what she does and how hard she tries, it will never be good enough. She'll stop trying.
Granny wants GD to be a 'Dr' so she can be 'worth' something. I think Granny isn't worth the less than $3 of chemicals her nasty body is made of.
Load More Replies... Agreeing with his mom, IS supporting her! You and your daughter should come first. And if he is incapable of doing this then you really do need to examine your marriage. I would visit a therapist and discuss this behavior of his snd how it affects his daughter. There is nothing worse for a daughter to understand or see in action, that her father does not support her, he interests and allows his own mother, her grandmother to criticize her. His mother is taking her hate out on your daughter and that means she is the biggest as*hole. Then cones your husband and then you. Do jot let this continue. It will really affect your daughter snd all her future relationships with men! She will have such low self esteem, she will choose men like her dad and even pick female friends along the same lines. Because she thinks she isn't good enough Or deserves the best. Go see a therapist now and then leave that self righteous husband of yours.
This sounds like my own mother. She’s hyper critical and I’ve grown up into someone who needs a lot of reassurance that they are doing the right thing and I constantly blame myself if something goes wrong. If I have ever challenged her about her comments she is dumbfounded, she doesn’t realise that she’s doing it. She just naturally seems to see the negative. I’m glad that I don’t.
Divorce that guy. He will not change his ways and you and your daughter will suffer. He needs to marry his mother I think.
Both the MIL and husband are abusive monsters. The mother MUST protect her child as her first priority. If that means divorcing the husband, she must do it.
Everytime I read something like this, it makes me even more grateful for the grandmother that I had. She didn't come to our performances, but she was still proud that we were doing things. Not only that, but she really cared about my mom and would never have dreamed of disrupting my parents' marriage.
There's tell it how it is, and then there's just being plain rude for the sake of having granddaughter drop piano completely. OP doesn't realize MIL and hubby trying to kidnap child's future by shoving her I to medical field she doesn't want to be in. They projecting their life goals they never made?
MIL and husband are major douchebags! Husband is worse because he doesn't care that Mommy is hurting his child. Another AITA where hubby doesn't support wife and takes Mommy's side. Single ladies--when people say, "the way he treats his mother is an indication of how he'll treat you," make sure you look for red flags. If he's constantly taking Mom's ridiculous stances, run away. So many men are huge p#ssies and won't stand up for you when MOMMY is being ridiculous. I would ban both of them from going. Piano playing will enhance whatever career SHE chooses because it'll help her focus later.
No-one has to he right to tell their child what career path they should follow. This isn't the 18th century! Get rid of both of these assholes or she will never be happy again, and neither will her mother.
This is one narcissistic MIL and the husband is her flying monkey. I can smell this one from a 1000 miles away. Absolutely disgusting she's bullying her granddaughter into hating the piano just because she hates the piano and doesn't want her daughter playing it. This is clearly what's happening. And cornering the mom into a corner by accusing her of "wasting her husband's money on piano lessons", very obvious this is a manipulation tactic the MIL is using to get the husband to bend to her side and gang up on his wife. It's their daughter who's suffering the most in all this. 13 is a very fragile time for mental health and the MIL is careless driving her granddaughter into depression and low self-esteem just over not liking pianos. So immature. This MIL needs to grow up, respect boundaries and leave the parents alone before there's a divorce. That may actually happen in the near future.
My opinion for what it is worth is this...I think your MILs snide remarks are her way of getting to you since she cannot go too far criticising you openly or your husband would have to defend you.Your daughter is a casualty of that silent war between you and the MIL...this needs to stop...get the piano teacher to be present next time and introduce her to your MIL casually saying your MIL is an expert on piano and since she is of the opinion your daughters playing is not as it should be please point out to the teacher,on the music sheet ,where she thinks she went wrong and what needs to be worked on. I bet MIL cannot read music and that will make her lose face....oh,and tell your daughter you are going to do this,but also that you think she is doing GREAT...after all,she must be doing good after 4 years of piano-playing or the teacher would not be asking her to perform as it does reflect back on her. For the sake of all concerned stop arguing with your husband and focus on your child
NTA. Can't even stress it enough. I had similar thing going on when I was younger when I was in the same position as your daughter. Don't let the woman bully your daughter. And your husband is coward and seems like he is toxic at the same time. It's his daughter and His mother.
I'm sorry but I'm one who speaks my mind and I would have look right at the MIL and said the biggest disappointment today was YOU. I had a grandmother who only liked one kid in each family. My sister was the favorite in ours. Granny dearist knew I loved animals and when I was about 8 she told me how her neighbors drowned a litter of kittens. She been dead for 20 years or more I have no fond memories of hers to this day I hate her. That is what your daughter is going to have as memories if you husband doesn't stop it now and in this case she'll remember her father not sticking up for her!
(1) "Disappointing" is not constructive criticism. Constructive criticism addresses specific weaknesses in a performance AND suggests improvements. It's also tempered with constructive compliments. (2) MIL doesn't play the piano, therefore she's unqualified to offer any criticism at all.
Myfirst husband, the father of my kids, was a different flavor of this behavior. It's called "damning with faint praise." It's toxic as h**l. I eventually left him, but not before he had done significant damage to them, and to some extent, to me. I wish I had left a lot earlier. Please, please try to find a way to get her and yourself out of there. I know how difficult that can be.
My take on this situation is that the child is being used as a scapegoat. The mil doesn't like you and she's using the child to hurt you indirectly. First of all neither your mil nor her father have the right to decide your daughter's profession. It will be her life's work and therefore her choice and her's alone to make. I don't know if you are a stay at home Mom or if you work but you need to get your child away from Cruella de Ville and her son Dracula. This is a crucial time in your daughter's development. The absolute last thing she needs at this time is a bunch of negative critical crap. Let me be absolutely clear if you continue this way you are teaching her to accept abuse as a way of life. You, your husband and his mother are grooming her to be an object to be abused. If you love her get her away from both of them. Make sure you get physical custody and until they've both had therapy they should have supervised visitation. Your husband is remiss in his responsibility.
Of course, you have a husband problem, not a mil problem. This is how he was raised and he thinks this is normal. Pretty soon, he is going to be talking to your daughter like this too because he thinks she is old enough to no longer be “coddled.” Give him a choice on who you call - marriage counselling or a divorce lawyer because this isn’t going to get better.
You know, when I was younger I was one of those terrified to talk girls/women (depending on my age) mostly due to being bizarrely hard on myself. No idea why I was that way but I was my own worst enemy, constantly pointing out my own immaturity and telling myself I'm clearly not ready to date. Many years later, worked out for the best, happily married. I'm definitely not perfect, still always pointing out flaws to myself while making an effort improve. But then I read things like this, see the types of men other women have married and had children with and think to myself.... What the hell was young me so worried about. Even at my worst version I feel like I had more sense than these guys. I'm all for constructive criticism but there's clearly so much more immaturity and pettiness going on here from the husband and mother in law.
Huge difference between self criticism and being critical of others. At least you were in charge of it. And it was all internal. Glad it worked out for you.
Load More Replies... If she stays married to this man, then she is simply perpetuating the abuse. If papa can't cut his mama's apron strings, then she'll have to cut hers, before her daughter is so damaged by the abuse it will be too late. It almost is now. She's 13. If she's going to try and save her daughter's self-esteem, she doesn't have a lot of time left.
One of my 3 daughter's took [expensive] piano lessons, entered competitions and won silver cups. I went along to every lesson, every exam and every concert. As her teacher advised her : if you make a mistake, e.g. miss a note, keep going, because the only person who will notice is me (the teacher) - no-one in the audience will notice"
Next time uninvited the Monster In Law and when she shows up, announce loudly that she was not invited. Hubby continues, DIVORCE HIM OVER MENTAL CRUELTY
Shouldn't use his daughter....in an argument about whether someone in said daughters life is a positive influence or purely negative? And he considers her passioms a waste of time because they don't align with the dreams he decided to project onto her? Really? And you let him stay in your life? Sounds like you need to kick him and his mom entirely out of her life. At least until and unless the daughter herself wishes to reestablish contact with them.
Also screw that therapist in particular. This grandmother isn't giving "constructive criticism" she's consistently insulting a child because she wants to discourage her from a hobby she sees as a waste if time and money. It's abusive and toxic and should never be tolerated or danced around with kid gloves to protect the abusers ego. You are not entitled to a relationship with someone. Particularly someone you abuse. Even if you have blood or legal relation to them. Not parents, and definitely not grandparents.
Load More Replies... I agree that the husband sounds like an abuser, and the mom reacts like she has been abused for a long time. Does she even know it? The best thing would be, for her and her daughter to get away from the husband and his nasty mother.
Nope,I would have gone down and filed for a divorce the very next day,packed his crap and dropped it off on mom's doorstep. Nobody is speaking to my child like that once not to mention numerous times and if my spouse backed them up then they would have a nice long future together because he is her creation. You should never subject your child to this because it is causing harm more and more over time, especially at such a pivotal time in her development. Trust me she will confront everyone later in life about this or if it keeps happening she may just stop coming home to visit. If you haven't protected her from this then you are just as much to blame. As a parent she is your priority not your husband and if he treats her this way he is a horrible father.
Wow, it surprises and disgusts me when people don’t see verbal abuse. This is abusive behavior from all 3 adults that’s clearly lasted for a long time, likely since the child was born. MIL starts it, husband supports his MIL’s abuse and the mother tries to stop the MIL but her husband makes her second guess herself to go online to get the publics opinion and has stopped nothing and instead of calling it abuse, she’s calling it constructive criticism.?. That’s total BS and there’s absolutely no excuse when abusing a child like this. Learn what abuse is people and how it will 100% effect that child negatively for the rest of their lives!
Since OP doesn't seem to want out of the toxic relationship, I would suggest gathering every scientific article about the benefits of music and having the mother and daughter jointly present them to the father and MIL. The piano teacher might be able to help direct you to the articles. If scientific proof won't sway them, then they just view any investment into your child as a financial loss.
NTA. Divorce your husband IMMEDIATELY. End of story, no explanation needed. He is God DM ashl...
Your husband is the problem. Deal with him, and stop allowing your daughter to be treated like s**t.
NTA!!! OMG! Daddy and MIL are proceeding to ruin your daughter’s life! Self-esteem is vital to survive in this world and they are doing everything they can to tear that down. You would both be so much better without those two assholes… Sorry, do you what you will …….SAVE YOURSELVES!!
Your husband needs a wake up call! Your daughter deserves better. My dad always put me down PLUS was physically abusive. I am glad he is dead, I hope he suffered before he died. Start criticizing your husband and his mother, people that dense need to be treated like they are treating a family member.
We all agree on the verdict. I'd like to give guidance, as an art student, to people who are genuinely wondering how to critique a child IN GOOD FAITH TO NURTURE SKILL AND CONFIDENCE. 1. Any critique is designed to guide the student in their goal of being better at their craft. 2. A critique should encourage them to continue even if they seem "bad at it." 3. If you're not in a mentor position, you're not asked for feedback, or you receive art as a gift, DO NOT critique. Find SOMETHING good about it to praise, then enthusiastically display/share because they're the one who did/made it and you love everything they do/make. 4. A good critique for a child first praises the strongest elements: "You nailed your D-Chords," "the drawing has so much energy." Notice improvements and acknowledge hard work. "The bridge was a lot cleaner, I can tell you've been practicing! You're so diligent!" "You've really gotten good at drawing paws." Then present criticisms as friendly tips:
"You were going for impact in the third movement and I think that hitting the keys harder will get that emotion across better next time."/ "See how the tail is just barely touching the edge of the paper? Drawings look better composed when objects are either cut off or have some space around them." Most importantly, end with an enthusiastic"I love it, I'm so proud of you, and I'm going to share this with everyone!"
Load More Replies... Mama's boy needs to grow up , & build his daughter up, & who let's ANYONE talk to their own child like that? If I was you, I'd take my daughter & get out of there, because mil is embedding negative feelings in the daughter & she Will grow up not believing in herself. I'm living proof.This is very toxic,& if "mama's boy" doesn't care you need to leave him now!
I agree with the ETA except the daughter comment. I'm surprised she is still performing. I refused to perform for family when I was that age.
Piano playing requires many skills that can be useful as a doctor: attention to detail, use of muscle memory, focus, dedication. The MIL Iis abusive, but also wrong. Besides, college applications are made better ny extra curricular activities like this
MIL is a f*****g idiot. Learning to read music and play an instrument is incredibly useful. Kids who learn music growing up perform better. Your husband is Momma's lap dog. Since she obviously means so much more than you and baby girl, he should go live with her. Y'all don't need that s**t
NTA at all, there are also a ridiculous number of studies that show how learning to play an instrument is beneficial to brain development. I agree with what others said, constructive criticism is something like, I noticed that you hold your hands up really high when playing, after a while that can cause carpal tunnel syndrome, it is healthiest to keep the wrists parallel to the arms. What she said is not constructive, it is incredibly destructive as is evidenced by the daughter quitting.
Tell grandma her fingers have to be nimble and know how to do hamonious preprogramed movements if she is going to be that world class brain surgeon. I want to come punch gma and husband in the teeth for f*****g up an other generation
ExpertDogSnuggler has some genuine wisdom to share. I used to have to take my daughter out after mandatory summers with her father (divorce) because he felt it was his job to pick on her in order to "toughen her up". As soon as she was old enough, she went no-contact with his whole family. My poor kiddo will be unpacking that childhood trauma for YEARS.
I come from a medical family. We all play at least one instrument. There is support from multiple scientific studies that learning to read and understand music improves cognitive abilities, especially memory. In addition, playing an instrument increases dexterity in the hands. So a doctor huh? Possibly a surgeon? Seems like a good memory and nimble hands would be an asset to a lot of careers. Then again, being confident and self-assured can be a pretty big advantage too. Maybe dad and grandma should look up the meaning of constructive versus supportive, or dare I say "nurturing."
OP NTA. Granny is a 2nd rate c*nt, and 'Daddy' is a gaslighter. Make plans to get you and your talented daughter away from those vicious freaks! See a divorce attorney and know your options before approaching him. Then offer marriage counseling. If he turns it down, walk and start proceedings. Do it for your daughter's mental health.
Music and medicine are intrinsically math-based, help create deeper critical thinking and can help foster empathy, provide great brain and hand stimulation, and you will find more people in the medical field have an ear for good music, whatever their taste may be. G'ma, apparently, is neither of these things, and so is unable to see beyond the tip of her nose. The definition of 'short-sightedness'. Husband is a Mama's boy, having been gaslit for most of his life and now afraid to see the problem for what it is. What a shame.
NTA Sounds kinda like a tug-of-war between the wife & MIL, over a husband who really isn't worth it. What sort of dad thinks bringing his daughter to tears is okay?? He should be more interested in making his partner & daughter happy, and less worried that mommy won't love him anymore if he stands up for his family. I couldn't tolerate my partner treating our child like crap. And as for the MIL, well, some people never realize what nasty a**holes they are & that no one cares what their opinion is. Tell her. And your husband.
Give it a few years and daughter will probably limit visits home, won't go to any family events her grandma attends, both will be so shocked and asking what they've done to deserve this.
I'm a grandmother and it would stun me to hear another GG being mean for no reason a grandchild can fathom, it's disgusting and from one grandma/mom to a daughter, your mil does not like your child, she has nothing for her son and it shows, it's guilt that brings her to watch or her son saying "we'll convince her she's wasting her time mom, don't let up" Grands are to brag and talk about how their grandchild is the most talented, brilliant piano player ever, that's what clear thinking grands do anyway, that b***h mil has a lot of anger in her and your husband needs to cut the f*****g cord and tell his mother to f**k off if he wants to keep his family.
Personally I’d kick both the husband as well as the MILs asses. This is totally not acceptable. This is cruel and if dad can’t see how bitchy his mom is he needs to be slapped up side his fat head. I don’t care if the child sucks eggs at her performance..it’s not the MILs place to criticize. Hubby should be ashamed of himself. Kick him in his twig and berries. This makes me f#$&ing furious.
When my ex used to criticize or make our daughter feel bad about herself in any way, I would just tell her " don't listen to him baby." Or something to to make her not feel anymore how her dad made her feel. Also how you parent (s) speak to you when your young has various outcomes. My mom was critical about my my weight, appearance, friends.. everything. Made me have confidence issues. I took the exact opposite approach with my daughter.
Imo, narcissistic toxicity from that side of the family. The grandmother clearly doesn't give a s**t what her words do to her granddaughters emotions. And when she dipped to a hair appointment with a flippant comment of, "oh I have to go now, bye." and left her granddaughter crying after telling her that her entire performance was a disappointment shows that she doesn't care. And OP needs to get rid of the husband as well. Defending his mother after everything she has done puts him in the same boat. He's basically enabling his mom to do what she is to the child and telling OP that he "doesn't give a s**t" by saying OP is "just being dramatic" and "over reacting" the whole side of the family needs to go OP, divorce him, take your daughter and book. NTA
What OP said about her MIL thinking that playing the piano is not an effective use of time for the daughter is what is at the heart of this. Grandma is obviously a woman who considers her opinion the only "correct" opinion, and is used to everyone falling in line behind her. I doubt she even realizes how hurtful her attitude and comments are. My grandma was similar. Not as oblivious and high-handed as this grandma, but similiar. If there was something I was or was not doing that she thought needed to be done, or done differently, I would be sure to hear about it. She was used to doing this to my mom, who would meekly fall into line. I, however, was not meek, nor did I know that this was just her way. Another case of "constructive criticism". My mom understood that it didn't mean her mom didn't love her, but I was not such an easy, agreeable case. I never forgave my grandma for some of the more egregious things she said, and she died when I was 22 without any of it being resolved.
Meaning no harm rarely equates to causing no harm. Hubby never read that when he takes a wife he leaves his ...Genesis 2:24. This many years into it, wife and kids must cut ties and make him pay for the cruel immaturity he shows. Stay in the house, cite the obvious irreconcilable differences, don't forget mental cruelty and emotional abuse. Get a good divorce attorney.
This was my childhood, except EVERYONE gave me nothing but negative comments, insults and put downs. My brothers, just because they're mean, my grandmother because that's how she was raised, and her daughter, my mom. At 15, I let my mom read my poetry book. All she said was "They're so depressing..". Well, no s**t Mom, maybe I'm depressed from all you aholes treating me like crap.
Daughter can do whatever she likes with her life. She’s not the Grand Monsters posession. OP needs to divorce his a**e and removed her kid from this toxic environment
NTA: listen you can just cut him off entirely don't invite him to anything ignore his messages, or you criticize him till he knows what it feels like. You could just speak to mil about it but I feel like that would make her even more angry for no reason 😒
This is where YOU, as the mom, counteract the negative feedback by encouraging your daughter in her music. For every negative comment that grandma gives ("constructive criticism", my ass! I'm an artist, and I KNOW what constructive criticism looks like!), be your daughter's biggest cheerleader!! And I wouldn't be surprised if your daughter's piano teacher overheard your MIL's destructive criticism (because that what it truly is), and is incensed by it!! And shame on dad for taking up his mother's side!! He should be on his little girl's (AND your) side and tell old mummy to back off of his daughter!! Who knows? One day, that girl may become a famous musician playing before thousands, and she will have critical acclaim!! She will praise you as one of the ones who never doubted her and always believed in her! As far as "gangsta grandma" and "daddy dearest", she'll acknowledge them, sure; but they CANNOT take credit for her success!!
She can come if she agrees to only say positive things. A grandparent's disapproval can really damage you. Why would you ever want to insult or belittle your grandchild ? They can achieve more when they are confident . They can become doctors even if they aren't the absolute best at everything. You've got find a better balance between encouraging growth without causing harm. You aren't the coach/teacher , it's not your job to critique . The best thing about being a grandparent is you don't have to do the hard parts, you get to be the fun loving person . That's your job , to love them ... let their parents deal with the tough stuff
American colleges actually give preference to students who have well rounded interests and display an ability to have a work/life balance. I live in Australia and I know that
As someone who grew up with a toxic grandma I am telling you to get out now. My grandma was a little more subtle in her criticisms which she doled out in a way that made it seem acceptable. Well here I am at 30 in therapy because of the damage she did. We realized how toxic she was after she moved and we had a little distance but I would be lying if I said I also didn’t hold resentment to my parents from not protecting me from her. Literally all of my issues stem from the grandma. I’ve been NC for close to 8 years and although I’m much happier I struggle from the damage of her demanding perfection in every way. So please….protect your child.
Constructive critism? Heck no! She just puts the granddaughter down! If it' constructive, then she HELPS the granddaughter get better by showing her how and supporting her. Horrible MIL and husband! Mother isn't helping either by not confronting MIL!
My worry for the little girl is the MIL and hubby are going to force her onto a path of being a Dr., and she won't have confidence to stand up for herself. For every "helpful criticism" she gets, it negates 20 compliments. at 15, I went to live with my aunt and uncle. My aunt was one for helpful criticism. I remember those remarks, and can't remember a compliment she ever gave me (she did, though).
I'm a piano teacher. This is not okay. I think your husband is not fully understanding how this is affecting your daughter; he was probably raised the same way and thought nothing of it. Let him follow after your sobbing daughter and try to comfort her, maybe that would wake him up! Like I said, as a piano teacher, the fact that she is playing in recitals outside of school tells me that she has some talent, and that she enjoys (or at least did enjoy) playing. Keep encouraging her, and tell her not to listen to her grandmother in this!
I'm all for honestly but I'm tired of people being straight up mean and hiding under the guise of "Telling it like it is". No, you're just an ahole.
I would think that at 13 year old should have a say in if they want their grandparent invited to their performance or not. I mean I would get it if they were 8, that the parents would just decide for them, but 13 should be able to be asked, "hey do you enjoy grandma coming to your performances or does her feedback make her too hard to deal with?" 13 is not a baby.
I would f*****g deck the guy over this criticism b******t n his disgusting attitude because 1! It's just not ok! N 2! I was once told by a very snotty posh mob art tutor in school myself, that I was just receiving "constructive criticism" for not trying harder to be a f*****g perfectionist artist like her! I was the was one of the only few students she bullied about my art skills because we had the balls to talk back n weren't teachers pets or good girl cheerleader trophy winners we were mediocre n cheeky n f*****g assertive n also very happy with that. The teacher was such a b***h I had to put in a complaint n said it was causing ne grief, I couldn't concentrate in art class because of her micro-managing criticism behaviour n I knew my artwork was good nigh on brilliant lol because all the other staff told me I was good n they actually disagreed with her. Eventually, it went to the headmaster who had to wonder if she was worth the hassle n she was sent packing.
You AND your daughter need to sit down with dad and tell him how it makes her feel. Doesn't he know that teenage girls are self-conscious ENOUGH without being ridiculed by family members? Grandma is also ruining her relationship with her. The arts are great for kids and helps them succeed in other areas. My son plays violin, and gave lessons and played at weddings and other events during college. He earned WAY more than he would at a retail or restaurant job! Your daughter could also. I've always wanted to play piano, but I'm a lefty. My right hand was never strong enough to get it properly. Please stop inviting grandma, and tell her why--- she doesn't seem to enjoy your daughter's performances and is actually being emotionally abusive. If dad doesn't agree, don't let his ass know the dates either! Don't let anyone ruin her love for performing!!!!
Instead of pointing the finger about who is the a hole and who's wrong .You should be a united front .All three of you.Being able to take constructive criticism adds to ones character. Grandma seems like she is more pragmatic than the hugs and kisses type.And you should be teaching her how to handle criticism not blocking her form it Just because it doesn't take good doesn't mean it's not ood for you.The word is tough and mean.Grandma is just a warmup for what lies ahead.and you should showing that young lady how you solve problems not continue the arguments.No ozone winsss thatwaayyIm just saying be a bad ass b***h.
This is an excellent opportunity to teach the daughter how to handle the unwanted, unwarranted criticism that comes to all of us in life. Teach her what to say in response, how to process this emotionally, and where to find confidence when others are attempting to undermine it. Call the MIL out on her disrespectful behaviour and challenge her to treat others the way she wants to be treated. Dad needs some classes on parenting. Go to family counseling, for everyone's sake. We cannot remove all of the negative things that happen to our children, and perhaps nor should we. Better to teach them how to handle it, stay strong, and bounce back.
My Dr. is also a concert organist on the pipe organ and plays once a week at noon in the city centre, free, for all to enjoy. Musical training is good for eye-hand coordination and increases mental flexibility, both of which are vital for anyone entering the medical profession. Your husband and his mother are both uneducated and short-sighted if they don't appreciate this fact.
"Of course these are just kids, not professionals. Her piano teacher wants to give her artistic feedback and has asked parents and guests to just enjoy the show. I know you enjoyed it as much as we did." Boom.
What I find even worse, beyond the supposed "constructive criticism" is the fact that both this poor child's grandmother and father WANT her to to become a doctor or something in the medical field even though she doesn't WANT to be. This day in age...you don't get to choose what your child wants to become when they get older. That's a controlling behavior that raises all sorts of red flags. Bet you ten to one that 'Chloe' doesn't get any of this from Dear Ol' "constructive criticism" Granny.
Sounds to me like the MIL is doing it on purpose, since she believes the piano lessons are a waste of time. Just watch and see her response when she sees the daughter stop playing. It's going to be "ser, I told you ir was a waste of money."
People are seriously calling the man abusive and saying she should divorce him? What a bunch of typical, arrogant, entitled, WOMEN! Protecting your child from all criticism is not being a good parent. The real world is full of harsh criticism. The kid needs to know what she's doing wrong to do better, but not too harshly. And someone said it's not constructive criticism if the person runs away crying. Uh, no, that's not what defines constructive criticism.
Oh... Oh wow. If you think that playing piano isn't helpful for anything you're sorely mistaken. Musicians are far more intelligent on average than non musicians because playing music forces different parts of the brain to work together. It's also an amazing creative outlet, and you can be a doctor who plays piano to relax and express themselves. (The university I attend is specifically well known for its music and medical programs so you tell me how they don't go together.)
Well I'd tell little grammar ma. She should say sorry. Then I'd tell her to keep her mouth shout. And if she didn't little that.id tell to shove it And then hubby need to be put in his place and stand up to her. It his daughter also. Whats? ..... he's afraid to say something to mommy? U did did the right thing.
Man everyone is so revenge heavy. Odds are dad agrees with mil because that's how he was raised, so he thinks it's the "right way," it's not an indicator of abuse himself per se but it's definitely not helping. But everyone is absolutely correct that "the performance sucked" is not constructive criticism, there's nothing specific in there and nothing about how to improve. I am of the opinion that there is a fair chance MIL is doing it on purpose to get the daughter to quit, and if so, then yes, *she* is absolutely being abusive by coming to shows she doesn't seem to even like just to put her granddaughter down. Getting dad to agree would be the hard part, however.
Gotta take this with a grain of salt. People are so soft now and unable to handle the slightest criticism. Its possible the grandmother is just an old mean jerk, but also possible that she has only said mild criticism like "work on this a little more". Its not bad to give criticism, but when that's all you get it can be upsetting. It would be better if she said "you nailed this but struggled here so maybe work a little more here". I just have a feeling OP might be a little sensitive/dramatic and one of those "don't ever criticize my kid, they're perfect" type parents that have become so common lately.
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