Man Wants A Personal Invitation To Christmas At In-Laws, Gets Himself And His Wife Uninvited And Tries To Put The Blame On Her
The holiday season can be full of light, beauty, and warmth, and ought to be spent with your loved ones. However, one of the worst things that can happen during this time is getting into a major argument with your family and friends. Unfortunately, it happens all the time.
And the trigger for a family fight can be something as small as a Christmas party invitation. Or rather, the lack of one, as redditor u/Lukeproblem135 shared in her viral post on the AITA subreddit. She explained how her husband felt insulted that her parents didn’t send him a separate invitation to their Xmas celebration.
The situation got very intense which was why the woman turned to Reddit for some advice on who was wrong and what they might do next. You’ll find the full story below. What do you think about everything that happened, Pandas? How would you have solved the issue? Share your thoughts in the comments.
Bored Panda reached out to u/Lukeproblem135 via Reddit, and we’ll update the article as soon as we hear back from her.
Even small, seemingly insignificant details can grow into huge family arguments
Image credits: Timur Weber (not the actual photo)
A woman shared how her husband got angry that his in-laws didn’t send him a separate invitation to their Xmas celebration
Image credits: Julia Larson (not the actual photo)
She explained that the invitation wasn’t a physical one. It was sent via text message
The situation escalated after the woman’s parents had had enough
Image credits: Lukeproblem135
The author of the post, redditor u/Lukeproblem135, shared an update a little bit after her post went viral. She explained that her parents had finally disinvited both of them after the argument escalated.
What’s more, she stressed the fact that the party invitation was sent via text message. Her husband, Luke, wanted a separate text from her parents. According to the OP, he didn’t want to be seen as an extension of his wife. However, all of this animosity between him and his in-laws led to a result that pretty much nobody wanted: celebrating the holidays separately.
Most arguments and disagreements between people stem from a lack of clear boundaries. For instance, one person might be too timid to establish boundaries on what is and isn’t acceptable behavior. On the flip side, the other individual might not be aware of the fact they’re encroaching on someone’s personal space. Or they’re so used to dominating any and all conversations and interactions that their go-to approach is to establish their presence.
Whatever the reality might be (and a lot really depends on each individual situation), there’s nothing like a healthy dollop of honest but friendly communication to set the score. Nobody’s a mind-reader. Not even your in-laws, believe it or not. You can’t expect someone to automatically know that how they behave might irk you. Especially if you’re good at being polite, or at least pretending to be.
Don’t forget that despite the age difference, everyone’s an adult in these situations. A quick word about how you’d appreciate it if they didn’t talk a certain way to you or avoided doing something might save you a whirlwind of drama in the future. And it beats being passive-aggressive with your in-laws for years and years, until everything peaks in a major argument for the ages.
It’s much better to have a short but thoroughly awkward conversation and move on with your life. Who knows, you might even become friends.
Another piece of advice that you might want to consider following is getting on the same page as your partner, in terms of your in-laws. You’ve got to play as a team, otherwise, your relationship might suffer.
“A united front makes a huge difference. You do not want to be figuring things out on the fly with your spouse while in the cross hairs of your in-laws. If you and your spouse are on the same page, then you can take the path of least resistance with in-laws and just smile politely and say ‘sure,’ but then do things the way that you and your spouse believe is appropriate for your relationship,” Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist who specializes in relationships, told NBC News.
And if all else fails, and you feel like the holiday season is just falling apart into pieces, consider throwing out a few compliments to your in-laws.
“Complimenting a person is like defusing a bomb, or at least changing the thermostat. It may feel disingenuous, but anyone can find one nice thing to say about someone. Even if the in-laws are gunning for a fight, you can snip those wires,” Dr. Durvasula explained.
This is how the internet reacted to the woman’s story. People were very honest about how they felt
This is a brand new story - only been up for 22hrs. In all honesty, I'm more worried about OP than I am about casting judgement. Luke has started the train towards isolation from family. And it seems to have worked. I only hope her family still leave a back door open for her to escape to - she's already worked out that Luke is the problem. She needs to get out.
I was very relieved to see she realized her husband is the problem. I'm worried about her too.
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If I had a wife, and her parents sends us two individual invitations, I would actually then be puzzled, like, don't they see us as 1 unit? Sending 1 invitation for both of us would be normal.
I'd be puzzled too if my in-laws sent me an individual invitation. He's definitely just looking for any excuse to be an AH. No doubt in my mind he would've thrown a fit if he got an individual invitation, using that exact reason... "Your parents obviously don't see us as 1 unit! I'm not spending Xmas with people who don't accept me as your husband & part of the family!"
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"Luke, I am not your father...nor your mother. So grow the f*ck up and apologize for being ridiculous and selfish. Christmas is not the 'Luke Show'."
Luke...I am your father- Haha jk I forgot to celebrate April Fools so I'm doing it a bit late
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Well, OP, do you invite your Mum and Dad separately to everything? There's your answer. This is just proof of how being in a relationship with a manipulative person can screw with your head. You stop wearing rose tinted glasses and start wearing fecking blinders and earmuffs. I hope she leaves this loser and gets back on track with her family.
Such a beautiful red flag - huge and bright in colour - perfect for Christmas season!! He nearly got all he wanted: No party with the in-laws, wifey thinks he is a sensitive, poor, misunderstood bunny and a massive rift between her and her family - way to go! Too bad, really, that strangers on the internet had to ruin everything for him, now he has to start gaslighting her all over again!
I fully understand why the parents don't like him. Also, who issues formal invitations to family members for Christmas???
I was wondering that too! Sorry I'm late to the AITA party cause I'd love to know if it was just a casual parent to daughter email with the details or one of those mass emails that EVERYONE gets and you just "fill in" the answers. If it's the "fill in the number" it would be RIDICULOUS for both of parts of a COUPLE to fill out. The party thrower (OP's mother) to have to round up TWICE as many responses. And also worry whether one member of a couple had forgotten to respond. I better quit because I don't think I'm explaining well. But the husband's demand is SO preposterous I can't picture ANY scenario where a wife and husband EACH get an invitation. Or where the mother wouldn't just inform the adult daughter of the details and the two of them wouldn't just talk or email, thereby letting the mom know if they were coming or not! BTW a late Merry Christmas to everyone!
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My first thought was - Don't threaten me with a good time. But really, she needs to think about spending the rest of her life with this man\baby. Personally, I'd say run.
I can see why her parents don’t like him. If he behaves this way over an invite imagine how he acts over other things
Like most people I agree that he is manipulating the OP to get what he wants. She doesn't see it, and the fact that she tried to get her family to cooperate is worrying, she does see slightly, but because she's just trying to 'keep the peace' shows she's on a downhill slide to isolation and deeper abuse. Soon she'll start arguing with her family about how unreasonable they are, they'll fall out, he'll comfort her with things like, they don't really love you, I do and you should just stick with me. Abusers don't start with the 'all guns blazing' approach, it's compiled of a million, tiny unremarkable, insignificant things that slowly coalesce until suddenly you realise you're completely isolated.
Slowly isolating a partner & saying "they don't really love you, I do and you should just stick with me" is part of EVERY abusers repertoire.
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Had a guy like this. If u didn't talk to him directly like say hi to so so if he wasn't there or over the phone he would be like it don't count cuz they didn't say it to me specifically. Well screw that. I just stopped relaying messages to him. And then stopped dating him.
I'd look at Luke and say "if this is the hill you're willing to die on, so be it" I'll be at Mom & Dad's for dinner, you're on your own and will see ya at x time. Play stupid games , then be happy with the stupid prize.
In all the years my parents were alive, and we all lived in one city, mom did not send invites. This is stupid. We went to mom and dad's house, and everyone met there. ILs, Brothers and sisters and their families. You all just need to grow up. I am alone now. None of my brothers and sister and parents are alive. My kids are in their late 40's and early 50s' and live out of state. I am 74 and alone now. I don't celebrate anything anymore.
Do your kids not care you're alone & stopped celebrating Xmas? I hope you consider joining a group & making friends with other ladies in your area & age range, who you can spend the holidays with.
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Your not an a*****e but a fool because you are letting yoursefl be manipulated by an a*****e (and possibly a narcissist). What an absurd request! You are invited as the spouse, because you ARE THE SPOUSE and they would never ever invite you if you weren't. If that is not good enough for you, then stay away. I hope the op dumps that jerk asap.
On what planet is Luke husband material when he's acting like a spoiled little brat over an invitation? He already got it through his wife, but NOOO, he wants his very own, like when one toddler gets something, the other toddler has to get the same thing otherwise they'll have a tantrum. He never grew out of that phase and now he's MARRIED??!!?! I think I know why OP's family doesn't get along with him. How many silver spoons were shoved up his butt when he was born?
He just doesn't want to go, and they really don't want him there. If they invited him by name, the invitation counts. My husband and I received a wedding invitation one time to his name "and guest". That means he was welcome to bring anyone he liked, but I was not welcome to come if he didn't attend. THAT is NOT an invitation...but I went anyway because it was the right thing to do. Other stuff happened at the wedding, which Mark eventually addressed with the mom and while we never became friends I was included in other invitations and treated well when I attended. Luke needs to grow the f%$# up, apologize for being an a##$%^e, and work on establishing some common ground with the family.
That she didn't see the gigantic problem that is her husband tells me that he is working different angles to brainwash her already. Who has ever heard of separate invitations? Especially within family?
Does Luke send out duplicate birthday cards? Christmas cards? I thought not.
Partners, whether married or in a steady relationship always get one invitation to both. And if you have kids, you get one invitation to all of you. I have never, ever, ever heard of people issuing separate invitations to married people.
Okay, no argument here. Luke is the A*****. But on a lighter note, invitations are often a problem. I moved out of my parents 13 years ago, the whole family knows that and has my adress, but I still don't receive a personal invitation. I'm still mentioned in my parents invitation. So I jokingly complained about this to them and lo and behold about two weeks later, I ACTUALLY RECEIVED an invitation in the mail. It was for my father's 75th Birthday, an invitation I personally printed on my computer, carried to my parents house about 300 meters away to a party that I actually planned.... THANK YOU, MUM! At least one listened...
Luke is an insecure, manipulative, dramatic snake and if I was OP, I would be ready to get out of this marriage. His request was ridiculous and he is the one being disrespectful. He needs to grow up and realize that the world doesn't revolve around him. The OP is an a-hole for enabling this nonsense.
Okay--everyone can already see why his parents don't like him. He turned an invitation to a social event into a power struggle and a fight. He set up the tension before the event--whether or not the family sent him a separate invitation, he has already one. Now, he has won again by getting her disinvited too--which is probably what he always wanted. This is a very, very controlling person. She will spend her married life bending over backwards trying to make the world a better, safer place for him. He will rope her into all his problems with everyone else, and he will have problems with everyone else. Bad dude.
the wedding certificate be like "mr insecure twit and mrs airhead doormat"
ESH apart from OP. Luke is manipulative, but it really isn't much trouble to just text someone an invitation
This is a brand new story - only been up for 22hrs. In all honesty, I'm more worried about OP than I am about casting judgement. Luke has started the train towards isolation from family. And it seems to have worked. I only hope her family still leave a back door open for her to escape to - she's already worked out that Luke is the problem. She needs to get out.
I was very relieved to see she realized her husband is the problem. I'm worried about her too.
Load More Replies... If I had a wife, and her parents sends us two individual invitations, I would actually then be puzzled, like, don't they see us as 1 unit? Sending 1 invitation for both of us would be normal.
I'd be puzzled too if my in-laws sent me an individual invitation. He's definitely just looking for any excuse to be an AH. No doubt in my mind he would've thrown a fit if he got an individual invitation, using that exact reason... "Your parents obviously don't see us as 1 unit! I'm not spending Xmas with people who don't accept me as your husband & part of the family!"
Load More Replies... "Luke, I am not your father...nor your mother. So grow the f*ck up and apologize for being ridiculous and selfish. Christmas is not the 'Luke Show'."
Luke...I am your father- Haha jk I forgot to celebrate April Fools so I'm doing it a bit late
Load More Replies... Well, OP, do you invite your Mum and Dad separately to everything? There's your answer. This is just proof of how being in a relationship with a manipulative person can screw with your head. You stop wearing rose tinted glasses and start wearing fecking blinders and earmuffs. I hope she leaves this loser and gets back on track with her family.
Such a beautiful red flag - huge and bright in colour - perfect for Christmas season!! He nearly got all he wanted: No party with the in-laws, wifey thinks he is a sensitive, poor, misunderstood bunny and a massive rift between her and her family - way to go! Too bad, really, that strangers on the internet had to ruin everything for him, now he has to start gaslighting her all over again!
I fully understand why the parents don't like him. Also, who issues formal invitations to family members for Christmas???
I was wondering that too! Sorry I'm late to the AITA party cause I'd love to know if it was just a casual parent to daughter email with the details or one of those mass emails that EVERYONE gets and you just "fill in" the answers. If it's the "fill in the number" it would be RIDICULOUS for both of parts of a COUPLE to fill out. The party thrower (OP's mother) to have to round up TWICE as many responses. And also worry whether one member of a couple had forgotten to respond. I better quit because I don't think I'm explaining well. But the husband's demand is SO preposterous I can't picture ANY scenario where a wife and husband EACH get an invitation. Or where the mother wouldn't just inform the adult daughter of the details and the two of them wouldn't just talk or email, thereby letting the mom know if they were coming or not! BTW a late Merry Christmas to everyone!
Load More Replies... My first thought was - Don't threaten me with a good time. But really, she needs to think about spending the rest of her life with this man\baby. Personally, I'd say run.
I can see why her parents don’t like him. If he behaves this way over an invite imagine how he acts over other things
Like most people I agree that he is manipulating the OP to get what he wants. She doesn't see it, and the fact that she tried to get her family to cooperate is worrying, she does see slightly, but because she's just trying to 'keep the peace' shows she's on a downhill slide to isolation and deeper abuse. Soon she'll start arguing with her family about how unreasonable they are, they'll fall out, he'll comfort her with things like, they don't really love you, I do and you should just stick with me. Abusers don't start with the 'all guns blazing' approach, it's compiled of a million, tiny unremarkable, insignificant things that slowly coalesce until suddenly you realise you're completely isolated.
Slowly isolating a partner & saying "they don't really love you, I do and you should just stick with me" is part of EVERY abusers repertoire.
Load More Replies... Had a guy like this. If u didn't talk to him directly like say hi to so so if he wasn't there or over the phone he would be like it don't count cuz they didn't say it to me specifically. Well screw that. I just stopped relaying messages to him. And then stopped dating him.
I'd look at Luke and say "if this is the hill you're willing to die on, so be it" I'll be at Mom & Dad's for dinner, you're on your own and will see ya at x time. Play stupid games , then be happy with the stupid prize.
In all the years my parents were alive, and we all lived in one city, mom did not send invites. This is stupid. We went to mom and dad's house, and everyone met there. ILs, Brothers and sisters and their families. You all just need to grow up. I am alone now. None of my brothers and sister and parents are alive. My kids are in their late 40's and early 50s' and live out of state. I am 74 and alone now. I don't celebrate anything anymore.
Do your kids not care you're alone & stopped celebrating Xmas? I hope you consider joining a group & making friends with other ladies in your area & age range, who you can spend the holidays with.
Load More Replies... Your not an a*****e but a fool because you are letting yoursefl be manipulated by an a*****e (and possibly a narcissist). What an absurd request! You are invited as the spouse, because you ARE THE SPOUSE and they would never ever invite you if you weren't. If that is not good enough for you, then stay away. I hope the op dumps that jerk asap.
On what planet is Luke husband material when he's acting like a spoiled little brat over an invitation? He already got it through his wife, but NOOO, he wants his very own, like when one toddler gets something, the other toddler has to get the same thing otherwise they'll have a tantrum. He never grew out of that phase and now he's MARRIED??!!?! I think I know why OP's family doesn't get along with him. How many silver spoons were shoved up his butt when he was born?
He just doesn't want to go, and they really don't want him there. If they invited him by name, the invitation counts. My husband and I received a wedding invitation one time to his name "and guest". That means he was welcome to bring anyone he liked, but I was not welcome to come if he didn't attend. THAT is NOT an invitation...but I went anyway because it was the right thing to do. Other stuff happened at the wedding, which Mark eventually addressed with the mom and while we never became friends I was included in other invitations and treated well when I attended. Luke needs to grow the f%$# up, apologize for being an a##$%^e, and work on establishing some common ground with the family.
That she didn't see the gigantic problem that is her husband tells me that he is working different angles to brainwash her already. Who has ever heard of separate invitations? Especially within family?
Does Luke send out duplicate birthday cards? Christmas cards? I thought not.
Partners, whether married or in a steady relationship always get one invitation to both. And if you have kids, you get one invitation to all of you. I have never, ever, ever heard of people issuing separate invitations to married people.
Okay, no argument here. Luke is the A*****. But on a lighter note, invitations are often a problem. I moved out of my parents 13 years ago, the whole family knows that and has my adress, but I still don't receive a personal invitation. I'm still mentioned in my parents invitation. So I jokingly complained about this to them and lo and behold about two weeks later, I ACTUALLY RECEIVED an invitation in the mail. It was for my father's 75th Birthday, an invitation I personally printed on my computer, carried to my parents house about 300 meters away to a party that I actually planned.... THANK YOU, MUM! At least one listened...
Luke is an insecure, manipulative, dramatic snake and if I was OP, I would be ready to get out of this marriage. His request was ridiculous and he is the one being disrespectful. He needs to grow up and realize that the world doesn't revolve around him. The OP is an a-hole for enabling this nonsense.
Okay--everyone can already see why his parents don't like him. He turned an invitation to a social event into a power struggle and a fight. He set up the tension before the event--whether or not the family sent him a separate invitation, he has already one. Now, he has won again by getting her disinvited too--which is probably what he always wanted. This is a very, very controlling person. She will spend her married life bending over backwards trying to make the world a better, safer place for him. He will rope her into all his problems with everyone else, and he will have problems with everyone else. Bad dude.
the wedding certificate be like "mr insecure twit and mrs airhead doormat"
ESH apart from OP. Luke is manipulative, but it really isn't much trouble to just text someone an invitation
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