“Wife Will Not Put Out. At All”: Husband Wonders If He’s A Jerk For Telling Wife He’ll ‘Get Some’ Elsewhere
Every marriage goes through ups and downs, highs and lows, and plenty of mundane in-betweens. Because living with another person and meshing your lives together is no walk in the park, no matter how much you love each other. All coupledoms encounter the occasional bumps in the road, after all. But when you throw problems in your physical relationship into the mix, it’s a whole new level of complicated.
This is what happened to Redditor redditthrowaway121, who reached out to the AITA community asking if he had been too harsh to his wife after she started showcasing detachment in their marriage. As the man detailed in his confession, she seemed to slip into a pattern of letting the physical part of their marriage fall by the wayside.
Feeling hurt and frustrated by the loss of intimacy in their relationship, the man finally snapped, threatening to “get it somewhere else”. The story caused an immediate backlash from people who jumped at the chance to deem a verdict. Scroll down to find the story in full and see some of the replies from readers. Then be sure to decide where you land on the matter, and feel free to let us know your thoughts down below as well.
After his wife consistently refused to show intimacy in their marriage, this husband finally snapped and threatened to “get it somewhere else”
Image credits: Kampus Production (not the actual photo)
Unsure of how he handled the situation, he reached out to the internet for advice
Image credits: Alena Darmel (not the actual photo)
Later on, the user clarified a few details about the situation
Image credits: redditthrowaway121
The story caused quite a commotion in the AITA community. Readers immediately took the chance to share their opinions about the matter, with some siding with the user and others deeming his actions completely inappropriate. However, in the end, the vast majority determined that both sides are at fault here, as the wife could show at least some effort in untangling the issues in their relationship, and the man should reconsider making threats and ultimatums like that.
We’ve all been long told that a successful and healthy marriage takes hard work. But when one partner is completely uninvolved in the physical part of your relationship, it may be hard to know how to cope. This can certainly lead to heated arguments, irrational behaviors, and hurtful words that can harm a relationship to the point of irreparable damage.
However, conflicts like this one are more common than you may imagine. Research from the sociology department at Georgia State University in the US found that 15% of married couples have not had sex with their spouse within the past six to 12 months. Lack of intimacy in relationships is real, whether it already started this way or the passion faded somewhere along the way.
To gain some insight from an expert, we reached out to John Kenny, a relationship empowerment coach, host of The Relationship Guy podcast, and author of The P.E.O.P.L.E. Programme: How to Overcome Your Blocks to Success. According to him, there are many reasons why the physical part of a relationship can face issues. “It could be that someone has low self-worth or esteem, that they have experienced abuse or that they feel uncomfortable with that part of a relationship.”
Even if there were no problems at the beginning, people might allow affection to leave the relationship during the years they spend together. “When we first meet someone, we have a rush of hormones and are in the ‘in lust’ phase of the relationship. These hormones are intended to create connections so that we can get together and have babies,” Kenny told Bored Panda. “These lessen over time and so the physical urges slow down.”
“As you spend more time with someone, the excitement can fade and things become mundane and familiar, the effort to impress wears off, and therefore, so can the passion.”
But the relationship coach pointed out that intimacy is a crucial part of a relationship and can cause problems for one or both parties whenever it wanes. “The person withdrawing can be struggling internally and this will have wider implications,” Kenny explained. “The other party could feel rejected, unloved or unwanted, triggering this and other issues that will put a strain on the relationship.”
Moreover, experiencing problems in your physical bond can make one partner feel undesired. It can also impact their self-worth and self-confidence, “which can lead to issues elsewhere in their lives. Resentments can build and so things that weren’t a problem can get blown out of proportion leading to regular tensions and fallouts.”
Thankfully, it’s possible to rekindle intimacy back in the relationship, but it does take effort from both partners. “Communication is key to getting the passion back,” Kenny told us. “Understanding what each other needs and what is going on for them is imperative.”
Begin with a lengthy and honest conversation about your partner’s needs, desires, expectations, and fears. “Are they stressed, overwhelmed or distracted by other things? Start making time for each other and increase the levels of intimacy,” coach Kenny suggested. “This rebuilds the physical familiarity you have lost and closer bonds start to reconnect.”
“Talk about fantasies and things that will turn each other on. Where possible, put them into practice,” he added. “If there is a hormonal issue, such as lack of testosterone, then seek medical assistance as in most cases this can be remedied.”
While communicating with your partner about the issues in your relationship is crucial, you also need to have a genuine chat with yourself. “Understand what is going on within you that means you may have backed off. Are there unresolved issues within you that need addressing?”
“Once you have discussed how you are both feeling, what you want and need, and your own personal blocks are removed, then move forward together. Passion usually dies, but a deeper feeling of connection makes the whole experience so much better anyway,” Kenny said.
We’d love to hear your thoughts about the whole incident in the comments below. Do you think the wife should step up and show more interest in her marriage? Or should the husband find healthier ways to communicate his wishes in their relationship? Feel free to share your takes, stories from your personal lives, and any tips on how you would handle this scenario in the comments below.
The story caused a stir online as people jumped to the comments to share a mix of reactions, here’s what they had to say
And that's how I accepted I'm asexual. It's not easy, everyone would say all sorts of things (back then, that's about 15 years ago) and I genuinely thought I was somehow broken. It's just what it is. I find people attractive, beautiful etc but in the same way I find a painting attractive. I want it in my house, but I don't want to f**k it! I think both should seek help together AND separately.
And then, once you know and accept yourself, you should be honest with potential partners and look for someone with similar asexuality.
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OP says his wife is on birth control. I wonder what kind. Certain ones can cause low sex drive (Mirena for example).
Just what I was thinking. I remember being on the Pill and I couldn't stand the thought of being touched. Dropped that prescription right quick!
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I don't see, just because she doesn't want sex that often it means shes some how "broken" and needs fixing. And thats coming from a woman with a high sex drive. If the relationship is not compatible and by the sounds of things. Some what toxic, it might of came to its natural end, and thats okay too.
Sounds like she has the female version of ED (which is real) or and I know he probably doesn't want to hear this but maybe she doesn’t like sex with him. Maybe she loves him, but the sex part of their relationship is unsatisfying to her and she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings so she just doesn’t put out. I’m speaking from experience here.
This! I loved my ex- but hated sex with him. He was more like a roommate to me than a lover. So I ended it. We're still friends and that's how we're meant to be.
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There could be a lot going on here...the wife could have undiagnosed depression, thyroid issues, a naturally low sex drive, or maybe the sex just isn't that satisfying for her. There are several avenues she could research to try and find a solution, but doesn't seem willing to look closer at the issue. HOWEVER, this guy's attitude sets me on edge...seems like he does these things for her with the expectation that he is owed sex in return, and pouts when he doesn't get it.
The positive thing is that he is asking for help. He has tried to get them both in to counselling and she is doing nothing to meet him halfway. I believe that sex is an important part of a relationship, if there is one that doesn't want it, there's an issue that needs to be addressed.
I like letmepatyourdog's suggestion that he needs to focus on ways of being intimate that are completely nonsexual. And just stop talking about it all the time. That is such a turn off.
Yes, they may just be incompatible but two things he said bothered me. 1) That she never put out and then revealed she would have sex with him at least once a month. Sometimes it may be 2 a month or more but because he's not getting it 4 times a week, he calls this "never". His wording, made me doubt the validity of his statements. 2) Talking about how "a man has needs", all men and women are different when it comes to this. His language came across a bit nasty. Especially considering instead of splitting up he would threaten cheating.
I stopped reading when I read "won't put out." Maybe your wife doesn't want to have sex because you view it as a commodity, and express yourself like a randy 13-year-old. At this point, your wife would probably be relieved if you "went somewhere else" for sex.
Yeah, that wording always bothers me too. Makes a person sound like a vending machine, you put in enough currency (home-cooked meals, vacations, compliments) and then the machine is expected to put out - and if it doesn't, it must be broken. It's a crappy situation for everyone there, but using that phrase makes it sound more transactional than affectionate.
Load More Replies... It's okay to want sex and it's an issue if your sexual desires don't align. It's also an issue if one of the two refuses to engage in any effort to at least try and see the other's point of view. It's ALSO an issue if the other demands you 'put out more' (what are we, in highschool?) and if not they'll threaten to cheat. AND it's a problem if one of the two says "I'm an ideal partner so you should have sex with me".
We’re only seeing the one side here. I would like to hear the wife’s side too. Maybe the things he does aren’t as great as he makes out. Maybe he doesn’t take the time to genuinely romance her and make her feel truly loved for all of herself, not just sex. Maybe, to her, all the dinners and vacations feel like empty gestures that aren’t from love but are just currency for him to bribe her for sex. Maybe he’s constantly talking up what a great guy he is when he isn’t. Maybe he sexualizes every damn conversation. Maybe every damn time he does something, he turns it around as something she should be grateful for—-and therefore put out for to pay him back with sex. Unless you’re a professional—-and even professionals can separate work from private life—-sex is not a transaction. He isn’t buying sex from her with dinners and vacations and boasts about what a real catch he is. Marriage is more than just sex, it’s an entire spectrum of feelings, commitment, genuine love. If he truly worships the ground she walks on, then he should derive joy from just being with her, with or without sex. Marriage also consists of a series of peaks and valleys, where you have times when you can’t keep your hands off each other, as well as times when you don’t want your spouse to even touch you. Lasting relationships don’t just consist of a series of hookups with the same person. You either go for the whole package, or you spend your life in meaningless hookups with virtual strangers. Badgering her for sex by trying to make her feel like she owes it to him is not “worshipping the ground she walks on”, it’s being f*****g gross and misogynistic. And it’s a huge turnoff. I want to hear from the wife, to find out what living with him, and his obsession with sex, is really like.
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I dont know where to start. But "as a male I have needs", wtf, your gender does not have a need. If your thing needs to be rubbed, then rubb it yourself or buy some toys for yourself. Dont you think you are pushing her? Think about your wife and not about your peedongle..s*x is not everything.
Not everybody does have a s*x drive as well, and it can fade, so no matter what gender.
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I really don't like the "I'm a man I have needs"-part or that ""she doesn't put out" despite me being such a "good guy" for making dinner etc". Sex drive is not linked to gender. I also wonder if he has asked her what she likes in bed? It can be very boring if the sex is one sided and yeah, in those cases you lose interest over the years. I do agree that if your sex drives don't match it can cause a lot of issues. It can make you feel unloved. But... and I know this is hard, no one owes you sex - not even your partner. If you don't like it and you have tried talking about it you come to a point where you need to break up (or discuss if you are ok with open relationship solution- but don't threaten with cheating- it should be a MUTUAL decision). And, I would recommend trying to switch to condoms as bc for a while if she's up for it, some women REALLY lose interest while being on hormonal bc. And please.... don't nag about it. Nothing kill your sex drive faster.
Could she have been raised in a super religious home where they are taught sex is bad? Or some people have sexual issues from past sexual trauma, like rape. She doesn't want intimacy and she won't want to fix the problem because that would lead to sex, something she fears. Furthermore, she may not want her husband to know which would cause her to resist couples therapy. Maybe she would agree to individual therapy because she feels in control there.
I wonder how much of the emotional, mental, and physical labor of the household she's carrying. Many women lose their appetite for sex with their partners if they have to manage them or play mommy to them. Mentioning his "male needs" is a big old red flag. Also the way he writes about this is really off-putting and I can imagine why his wife wouldn't be receptive to his advances if he always talks like that.
Some people are saying she has a low sex drive but it's not just that he said she doesn't give him physical affection either.
BUT what does HE mean by physical affection?? "Putting out"?????
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It seems like she doesn‘t want to be intimate with him at all. As in no hugs, kisses, cuddles either. People have different needs and she might be different than him. Or she might not find im attractive anymore or maybe she‘s asexual. The problem is, that she doesn‘t seem to care nor does she show empathy for him. While his wording seems a little off, he does seem to truly respect and adore her.
I agree. And I think his wording is just out of frustration.
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IMO failing to accept the end of a marriage is the issue here. Sexless closed marriages are not what most people signed up for. It's a huge burden to put one partner to live a sexless life. Divorce or open marriage is clearly the solution here. He is not an as*** for suggesting and I think the wife has acquiesced. Some people just can't live with the divorced "label" but they do not mind having that their spouses have lovers. Tale as old as time. Nothing new. He is the one that needs to leave if he wants to be in a loving marriage
In my 20s I was the one with the higher sex drive than my first husband. I absolutely cheated, felt horrible, but he wouldn't talk or do anything, so OF COURSE I divorced. Remarried to someone much more compatible, happy for 17 years til his death in 2016. Back during first marriage in the 90s, terms like asexual just weren't known, but I'm 99% sure first husband was/is asexual, just no desire. What's ironic is that due to menopause, time, and self-knowledge, I realize I'm now on the ace spectrum myself also: I'm demi. Must know, like, trust someone before I feel anything at all, which takes forever. Life is ironic.
And this is why it is important to determine sexual compatibility before entering a "life-long" agreement. It's hard to say it but sometimes love just isn't enough for some people. But DON'T CHEAT...leave first if you have to but nothing is an excuse for cheating. Also, it would've been nice to know if she was always this way or if this is something that has been slowly happening over the years. 31 is too young to be going through the change, so counseling could get some things in the open.
It could be life-long and NOT be a "problem" that requires counseling. Some people just don't like sex, and that's normal! But yes, you're absolutely right, if that's the case then she should have been more up-font about it from the beginning.
Load More Replies... As an asexual person who just does not want to have sex EVER but who is still looking for love, I'm terrified of ending up in a relationship like this. Any dating relationship I'm going to have is going to have to have an extremely awkward conversation early on about how the relationship is going to be sexless, and if the other person isn't okay with that, it's better to know now. I do wonder, however, what would have happened if I'd gotten married ten years ago, before I realized I was asexual. Quite possibly, something like the above situation. NAH but they need to have a serious conversation about what they can both tolerate in a relationship.
Don't give up. My cousin found a great asexual life partner (he's asexual as well) and they're basically married-without-sex-and-very-happy! We were glad to welcome him to the family :-) (They're not actually legally married, but they are lfie partners, same thing.)
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My first marriage ended because I couldn't handle going almost two YEARS without sex. And I tried EVERYTHING - lingerie, romantic weekends away, hell I even offered a threesome. The wife in this post refuses to see anyone to even determine if there is a medical reason for the lack of drive, and basically says " You married me, I don't have to try anymore" - a relationship cannot survive like that.
These two need therapy - not just a marriage counsellor, possibly a sex therapist. Wife needs to acknowledge why she doesn't want sex or touch. Husband needs to work through his feelings of entitlement to sex. Maybe she's not in love anymore, maybe there's a medical issue, maybe she's ace or grey sexual. Both of them need to work out whether they want to be in this marriage, and on what terms. If they genuinely love each other, and she's ace and sex adverse, a consensual open marriage, or long term third party may work for them. Otherwise, OP needs to work out whether he can be happy in a sexless marriage. There's nothing wrong with being ace or grey-sexual, but you need to be honest with your partner, and yourself.
I think the greater issue here is that the wife clearly doesn't love her husband. I can't imagine being in a healthy relationship and when I expressed a concern about sex or anything for that matter I was told to just deal with it, instead of being met with love and concern. On top of that, the fact that she has no sex drive probably means she has no sex drive towards HIM. She's not attracted to him anymore. She needs to put on her big girl pants and let him out of the relationship so they can both move onto more fulfilling relationships.
Therapy, please, and nothing is wrong with refusing sex. OK? OK. Consult medical doctors, therapy, then just move along. Separately or together. Honestly, it just is what it is.
My ex was like that but she would tell me it was because she was abused as a child. Any time I made any move toward intimacy she acted like I was trying to r*pe her. I didn't push it because I loved her and figured I could live without it. Then I found out she was having sex with her old boyfriend and I was just the latest chump she was with until my savings ran out.
My ex told me he just didn’t feel the need for sex any longer. He was 10 years older than I was and I wasn’t ready to have just a roommate. I am divorced, dated for a few years, and am single still. Even not dating for several years, I am way less lonely No than I was with him.
Same with my husband (16 years older). He says he doesn't have the same libido like he used to. We are still together though. He's ok with it every couple months and I let him take initiative. We're discussing solutions because I'm not really ready to stop having sex. But to the point - it's definitely not only women who lose interest and men "need" it. And yes, it can feel really lonely so I do have empathy for that.
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There are always two sides to the story so it's hard to reply, but there is no entitlement to sex and the comment about finding someone else to have sex with shows how he reacts. Maybe separate counseling to see if the marriage can be saved.
NTA. You are just no longer compatible for whatever reason. Do NOT cheat, just get a divorce. It is fortunate you do not have children. You cannot force her to be intimate and she should not expect you to accept her lack of desire. It's just time to move on...
Marriage is a 2 way street and it takes 2 to make it work. If 1 is doing everything and the other isn't reciprocating, it's just a matter of time before things come to a head. I think you're there. True, you don't just get married for sex but that is certainly a pat of marriage. I've been in your position somewhat. First wife (married 24 years) didn't refuse me but basically just did it to satisfy me. No love there. I eventually moved on and as your wife said, once she had me on the hook, things changed and slacked off so we fell apart in the end, which I actually expected as she is an extrovert and I'm not. New wife (10 years now) agreed early on that no doing anything for the sake of the other. If we fall out of love we tell the other.
I personally have struggled being the one to give intimacy. It seems antidepressants , and being on the pill for me where a huge depressant. Add to that depression. I'm sure lots of other things. Was frustrating and still working at it. Better now but not as good as I want it to be.
I'm wondering how long she's been on birth control. I took them for nearly thirty years straight, and my sex drive was so low, I didn't want to be touched. I didn't want to see my bf because I knew he'd want sex.........everything changed once I went off them. Took about three months due to length of time I was on them, but then, total reversal!
Don't threaten her with cheating if she doesn't put out. You should threaten her with a divorce if she doesn't go with you to a therapist so you guys can figure things out. And that idea of not impressing you since you're now married is a serious issue. For now, stop all the nice things you do for her. No more dinners, vacations and stuff. A man needs his sexy time to function properly.
A man also needs to realize he isn't owed sex in return for being a decent human being. He isn't owed sex, period.
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Your wife is on the ace spectrum, deal with it. (Also possible aro-spec as well)
Rethinking this. MATE, You do NOT 'love' your wife. You LUST after her. You need to learn to love,
Thats basically sexual assault by coercion. He should be ashamed of himself. She should leave him. (He might also think about six addicts anonymous if he is unable to control his urges and gets emotionally unstable)
It's rape. Coercing someone into having sex with you is rape. If it's not an enthusiastic yes, and you proceed anyway, it's rape
Load More Replies... This man is an a*s. First of all, his wife doesn’t need to “put out”. Sex is something that both people should participate in and should enjoy. Second of all, coercing someone into sex is rape. Op gets to decide that once a month is too little (although in my experience, sex isn’t everything to a great relationship) but then he needs to leave. He does not get to decide that his wife should change her boundaries and he certainly doesn’t get to rape her
You need to give your head a wobble. Treating people badly, no matter what their sex or choices are, is wrong.
Load More Replies... And that's how I accepted I'm asexual. It's not easy, everyone would say all sorts of things (back then, that's about 15 years ago) and I genuinely thought I was somehow broken. It's just what it is. I find people attractive, beautiful etc but in the same way I find a painting attractive. I want it in my house, but I don't want to f**k it! I think both should seek help together AND separately.
And then, once you know and accept yourself, you should be honest with potential partners and look for someone with similar asexuality.
Load More Replies... OP says his wife is on birth control. I wonder what kind. Certain ones can cause low sex drive (Mirena for example).
Just what I was thinking. I remember being on the Pill and I couldn't stand the thought of being touched. Dropped that prescription right quick!
Load More Replies... I don't see, just because she doesn't want sex that often it means shes some how "broken" and needs fixing. And thats coming from a woman with a high sex drive. If the relationship is not compatible and by the sounds of things. Some what toxic, it might of came to its natural end, and thats okay too.
Sounds like she has the female version of ED (which is real) or and I know he probably doesn't want to hear this but maybe she doesn’t like sex with him. Maybe she loves him, but the sex part of their relationship is unsatisfying to her and she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings so she just doesn’t put out. I’m speaking from experience here.
This! I loved my ex- but hated sex with him. He was more like a roommate to me than a lover. So I ended it. We're still friends and that's how we're meant to be.
Load More Replies... There could be a lot going on here...the wife could have undiagnosed depression, thyroid issues, a naturally low sex drive, or maybe the sex just isn't that satisfying for her. There are several avenues she could research to try and find a solution, but doesn't seem willing to look closer at the issue. HOWEVER, this guy's attitude sets me on edge...seems like he does these things for her with the expectation that he is owed sex in return, and pouts when he doesn't get it.
The positive thing is that he is asking for help. He has tried to get them both in to counselling and she is doing nothing to meet him halfway. I believe that sex is an important part of a relationship, if there is one that doesn't want it, there's an issue that needs to be addressed.
I like letmepatyourdog's suggestion that he needs to focus on ways of being intimate that are completely nonsexual. And just stop talking about it all the time. That is such a turn off.
Yes, they may just be incompatible but two things he said bothered me. 1) That she never put out and then revealed she would have sex with him at least once a month. Sometimes it may be 2 a month or more but because he's not getting it 4 times a week, he calls this "never". His wording, made me doubt the validity of his statements. 2) Talking about how "a man has needs", all men and women are different when it comes to this. His language came across a bit nasty. Especially considering instead of splitting up he would threaten cheating.
I stopped reading when I read "won't put out." Maybe your wife doesn't want to have sex because you view it as a commodity, and express yourself like a randy 13-year-old. At this point, your wife would probably be relieved if you "went somewhere else" for sex.
Yeah, that wording always bothers me too. Makes a person sound like a vending machine, you put in enough currency (home-cooked meals, vacations, compliments) and then the machine is expected to put out - and if it doesn't, it must be broken. It's a crappy situation for everyone there, but using that phrase makes it sound more transactional than affectionate.
Load More Replies... It's okay to want sex and it's an issue if your sexual desires don't align. It's also an issue if one of the two refuses to engage in any effort to at least try and see the other's point of view. It's ALSO an issue if the other demands you 'put out more' (what are we, in highschool?) and if not they'll threaten to cheat. AND it's a problem if one of the two says "I'm an ideal partner so you should have sex with me".
We’re only seeing the one side here. I would like to hear the wife’s side too. Maybe the things he does aren’t as great as he makes out. Maybe he doesn’t take the time to genuinely romance her and make her feel truly loved for all of herself, not just sex. Maybe, to her, all the dinners and vacations feel like empty gestures that aren’t from love but are just currency for him to bribe her for sex. Maybe he’s constantly talking up what a great guy he is when he isn’t. Maybe he sexualizes every damn conversation. Maybe every damn time he does something, he turns it around as something she should be grateful for—-and therefore put out for to pay him back with sex. Unless you’re a professional—-and even professionals can separate work from private life—-sex is not a transaction. He isn’t buying sex from her with dinners and vacations and boasts about what a real catch he is. Marriage is more than just sex, it’s an entire spectrum of feelings, commitment, genuine love. If he truly worships the ground she walks on, then he should derive joy from just being with her, with or without sex. Marriage also consists of a series of peaks and valleys, where you have times when you can’t keep your hands off each other, as well as times when you don’t want your spouse to even touch you. Lasting relationships don’t just consist of a series of hookups with the same person. You either go for the whole package, or you spend your life in meaningless hookups with virtual strangers. Badgering her for sex by trying to make her feel like she owes it to him is not “worshipping the ground she walks on”, it’s being f*****g gross and misogynistic. And it’s a huge turnoff. I want to hear from the wife, to find out what living with him, and his obsession with sex, is really like.
Load More Replies... I dont know where to start. But "as a male I have needs", wtf, your gender does not have a need. If your thing needs to be rubbed, then rubb it yourself or buy some toys for yourself. Dont you think you are pushing her? Think about your wife and not about your peedongle..s*x is not everything.
Not everybody does have a s*x drive as well, and it can fade, so no matter what gender.
Load More Replies... I really don't like the "I'm a man I have needs"-part or that ""she doesn't put out" despite me being such a "good guy" for making dinner etc". Sex drive is not linked to gender. I also wonder if he has asked her what she likes in bed? It can be very boring if the sex is one sided and yeah, in those cases you lose interest over the years. I do agree that if your sex drives don't match it can cause a lot of issues. It can make you feel unloved. But... and I know this is hard, no one owes you sex - not even your partner. If you don't like it and you have tried talking about it you come to a point where you need to break up (or discuss if you are ok with open relationship solution- but don't threaten with cheating- it should be a MUTUAL decision). And, I would recommend trying to switch to condoms as bc for a while if she's up for it, some women REALLY lose interest while being on hormonal bc. And please.... don't nag about it. Nothing kill your sex drive faster.
Could she have been raised in a super religious home where they are taught sex is bad? Or some people have sexual issues from past sexual trauma, like rape. She doesn't want intimacy and she won't want to fix the problem because that would lead to sex, something she fears. Furthermore, she may not want her husband to know which would cause her to resist couples therapy. Maybe she would agree to individual therapy because she feels in control there.
I wonder how much of the emotional, mental, and physical labor of the household she's carrying. Many women lose their appetite for sex with their partners if they have to manage them or play mommy to them. Mentioning his "male needs" is a big old red flag. Also the way he writes about this is really off-putting and I can imagine why his wife wouldn't be receptive to his advances if he always talks like that.
Some people are saying she has a low sex drive but it's not just that he said she doesn't give him physical affection either.
BUT what does HE mean by physical affection?? "Putting out"?????
Load More Replies... It seems like she doesn‘t want to be intimate with him at all. As in no hugs, kisses, cuddles either. People have different needs and she might be different than him. Or she might not find im attractive anymore or maybe she‘s asexual. The problem is, that she doesn‘t seem to care nor does she show empathy for him. While his wording seems a little off, he does seem to truly respect and adore her.
I agree. And I think his wording is just out of frustration.
Load More Replies... IMO failing to accept the end of a marriage is the issue here. Sexless closed marriages are not what most people signed up for. It's a huge burden to put one partner to live a sexless life. Divorce or open marriage is clearly the solution here. He is not an as*** for suggesting and I think the wife has acquiesced. Some people just can't live with the divorced "label" but they do not mind having that their spouses have lovers. Tale as old as time. Nothing new. He is the one that needs to leave if he wants to be in a loving marriage
In my 20s I was the one with the higher sex drive than my first husband. I absolutely cheated, felt horrible, but he wouldn't talk or do anything, so OF COURSE I divorced. Remarried to someone much more compatible, happy for 17 years til his death in 2016. Back during first marriage in the 90s, terms like asexual just weren't known, but I'm 99% sure first husband was/is asexual, just no desire. What's ironic is that due to menopause, time, and self-knowledge, I realize I'm now on the ace spectrum myself also: I'm demi. Must know, like, trust someone before I feel anything at all, which takes forever. Life is ironic.
And this is why it is important to determine sexual compatibility before entering a "life-long" agreement. It's hard to say it but sometimes love just isn't enough for some people. But DON'T CHEAT...leave first if you have to but nothing is an excuse for cheating. Also, it would've been nice to know if she was always this way or if this is something that has been slowly happening over the years. 31 is too young to be going through the change, so counseling could get some things in the open.
It could be life-long and NOT be a "problem" that requires counseling. Some people just don't like sex, and that's normal! But yes, you're absolutely right, if that's the case then she should have been more up-font about it from the beginning.
Load More Replies... As an asexual person who just does not want to have sex EVER but who is still looking for love, I'm terrified of ending up in a relationship like this. Any dating relationship I'm going to have is going to have to have an extremely awkward conversation early on about how the relationship is going to be sexless, and if the other person isn't okay with that, it's better to know now. I do wonder, however, what would have happened if I'd gotten married ten years ago, before I realized I was asexual. Quite possibly, something like the above situation. NAH but they need to have a serious conversation about what they can both tolerate in a relationship.
Don't give up. My cousin found a great asexual life partner (he's asexual as well) and they're basically married-without-sex-and-very-happy! We were glad to welcome him to the family :-) (They're not actually legally married, but they are lfie partners, same thing.)
Load More Replies... My first marriage ended because I couldn't handle going almost two YEARS without sex. And I tried EVERYTHING - lingerie, romantic weekends away, hell I even offered a threesome. The wife in this post refuses to see anyone to even determine if there is a medical reason for the lack of drive, and basically says " You married me, I don't have to try anymore" - a relationship cannot survive like that.
These two need therapy - not just a marriage counsellor, possibly a sex therapist. Wife needs to acknowledge why she doesn't want sex or touch. Husband needs to work through his feelings of entitlement to sex. Maybe she's not in love anymore, maybe there's a medical issue, maybe she's ace or grey sexual. Both of them need to work out whether they want to be in this marriage, and on what terms. If they genuinely love each other, and she's ace and sex adverse, a consensual open marriage, or long term third party may work for them. Otherwise, OP needs to work out whether he can be happy in a sexless marriage. There's nothing wrong with being ace or grey-sexual, but you need to be honest with your partner, and yourself.
I think the greater issue here is that the wife clearly doesn't love her husband. I can't imagine being in a healthy relationship and when I expressed a concern about sex or anything for that matter I was told to just deal with it, instead of being met with love and concern. On top of that, the fact that she has no sex drive probably means she has no sex drive towards HIM. She's not attracted to him anymore. She needs to put on her big girl pants and let him out of the relationship so they can both move onto more fulfilling relationships.
Therapy, please, and nothing is wrong with refusing sex. OK? OK. Consult medical doctors, therapy, then just move along. Separately or together. Honestly, it just is what it is.
My ex was like that but she would tell me it was because she was abused as a child. Any time I made any move toward intimacy she acted like I was trying to r*pe her. I didn't push it because I loved her and figured I could live without it. Then I found out she was having sex with her old boyfriend and I was just the latest chump she was with until my savings ran out.
My ex told me he just didn’t feel the need for sex any longer. He was 10 years older than I was and I wasn’t ready to have just a roommate. I am divorced, dated for a few years, and am single still. Even not dating for several years, I am way less lonely No than I was with him.
Same with my husband (16 years older). He says he doesn't have the same libido like he used to. We are still together though. He's ok with it every couple months and I let him take initiative. We're discussing solutions because I'm not really ready to stop having sex. But to the point - it's definitely not only women who lose interest and men "need" it. And yes, it can feel really lonely so I do have empathy for that.
Load More Replies... There are always two sides to the story so it's hard to reply, but there is no entitlement to sex and the comment about finding someone else to have sex with shows how he reacts. Maybe separate counseling to see if the marriage can be saved.
NTA. You are just no longer compatible for whatever reason. Do NOT cheat, just get a divorce. It is fortunate you do not have children. You cannot force her to be intimate and she should not expect you to accept her lack of desire. It's just time to move on...
Marriage is a 2 way street and it takes 2 to make it work. If 1 is doing everything and the other isn't reciprocating, it's just a matter of time before things come to a head. I think you're there. True, you don't just get married for sex but that is certainly a pat of marriage. I've been in your position somewhat. First wife (married 24 years) didn't refuse me but basically just did it to satisfy me. No love there. I eventually moved on and as your wife said, once she had me on the hook, things changed and slacked off so we fell apart in the end, which I actually expected as she is an extrovert and I'm not. New wife (10 years now) agreed early on that no doing anything for the sake of the other. If we fall out of love we tell the other.
I personally have struggled being the one to give intimacy. It seems antidepressants , and being on the pill for me where a huge depressant. Add to that depression. I'm sure lots of other things. Was frustrating and still working at it. Better now but not as good as I want it to be.
I'm wondering how long she's been on birth control. I took them for nearly thirty years straight, and my sex drive was so low, I didn't want to be touched. I didn't want to see my bf because I knew he'd want sex.........everything changed once I went off them. Took about three months due to length of time I was on them, but then, total reversal!
Don't threaten her with cheating if she doesn't put out. You should threaten her with a divorce if she doesn't go with you to a therapist so you guys can figure things out. And that idea of not impressing you since you're now married is a serious issue. For now, stop all the nice things you do for her. No more dinners, vacations and stuff. A man needs his sexy time to function properly.
A man also needs to realize he isn't owed sex in return for being a decent human being. He isn't owed sex, period.
Load More Replies... Your wife is on the ace spectrum, deal with it. (Also possible aro-spec as well)
Rethinking this. MATE, You do NOT 'love' your wife. You LUST after her. You need to learn to love,
Thats basically sexual assault by coercion. He should be ashamed of himself. She should leave him. (He might also think about six addicts anonymous if he is unable to control his urges and gets emotionally unstable)
It's rape. Coercing someone into having sex with you is rape. If it's not an enthusiastic yes, and you proceed anyway, it's rape
Load More Replies... This man is an a*s. First of all, his wife doesn’t need to “put out”. Sex is something that both people should participate in and should enjoy. Second of all, coercing someone into sex is rape. Op gets to decide that once a month is too little (although in my experience, sex isn’t everything to a great relationship) but then he needs to leave. He does not get to decide that his wife should change her boundaries and he certainly doesn’t get to rape her
You need to give your head a wobble. Treating people badly, no matter what their sex or choices are, is wrong.
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