Guy Can’t Believe His Wife Wants To Bail On Family Christmas Because Of His Mom’s Tradition, The Internet Gives Him A Reality Check
We have long heard that when you marry someone, you take on the whole family. There’s definitely a grain of truth in this saying, as getting along with your new tribe is not always easy. Throw Christmas into the mix, and things are bound to reach another level of complicated. Because even though the holidays should be about spending time with your loved ones and being thankful for being together, there’s always someone who turns the special day into one big drama-tinged cocktail.
Recently, a man reached out to the AITA community for advice after he called his wife “unreasonable” for backing out of Christmas dinner. Turns out, his mother has a perplexing tradition where she asks women in the family to send “samples” of their desserts and then makes them wait for the results to let them know if they made it to the “food menu.” So yeah, as you can see, there’s quite a lot to unpack here.
As his wife believes the MIL has been “deliberately rejecting every dessert sample she sent,” the woman decided to finally draw the line and skip the occasion. What followed next turned into a nasty conflict that left the family divided. Read on to find out how the situation evolved and what readers had to say about the incident. Then be sure to decide where you land on the matter and share your thoughts in the comments!
After his wife backed out of the family Christmas dinner over MIL’s baffling baking tradition, this man called her behavior “crazy and quite unreasonable”
Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio (not the actual photo)
As the situation created friction between the family members, he reached out to the internet for advice
Image credits: CHANNNSY (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Ivan Samkov (not the actual photo)
The husband later clarified some details and added an update about the incident
Image credits: user119975444
Situations like this aren’t benefiting anyone. The incident sparked tension between the family members, made the woman feel unwelcome in her close social circle, and put an enormous strain on the marriage as the husband apparently chose his mother over his spouse.
It’s easy to see why the story caused a stir in the AITA community, with the vast majority of members deeming the husband and his mother to be completely in the wrong here. Many suggested it would do the user well to seriously rethink his actions, as he “should be supporting her decision.”
As we enter the holiday season, a time of love and warmth, many of us can’t help but arm ourselves with patience as we’re bound to get tangled in family drama and arguments. And as anyone who’s ever found themselves in a predicament with their in-laws during this period knows, this happens way too often.
Bored Panda previously spoke with Dr. Nathalie Martinek, a narcissism hacker and relationship coach, who explained there may be many reasons why getting along with your partner’s parents can seem like a tricky business. “Often, the partner is seen as an inadequate match for their son or daughter due to their personality, their profession, education level, upbringing or culture,” she explained.
It can be especially challenging for women when mothers-in-law see them as a competitor for their son’s attention. “A mother-in-law, who is possessive over her son, feels insecure about her son’s degree of loyalty and wants to be the most important woman in her son’s life by continually having an influence over his feelings and choices,” Dr. Martinek added.
“Once the son enters into a relationship, this type of mother-in-law continues to exert control over her son’s decisions using emotional manipulation tactics to keep her son close and dependent on his mother’s approval, because he still needs this to feel secure and stable.”
Unfortunately, the man might be oblivious to his mother’s attempts to drive a wedge between the couple by undermining his partner, criticizing her character, housekeeping, parenting, profession, etc.
According to Dr. Martinek, even the mother may not realize she’s behaving this way. “And even though the partner will be able to see all of the things the mother-in-law is doing, the son will either have a hard time believing her, deny any accusation or defend his mother’s actions,” she said.
To handle in-laws who meddle in your partnership or have a strong influence over your spouse, Dr. Martinek explained that it’s best to remain warm and friendly when interacting with them. “Letting parents believe they got their way without actually taking their advice can bring relief to the couple, at least until the next time the parents attempt to influence the couple’s decisions.”
However, the only real possibility for change is for their child to step up, take action, and prevent them from interfering in the relationship in the future. “Relationships are hard enough between two people without the interference of parents or anyone else. While some parents want their children to believe that meddling or offers of advice means they care, it can often mean that the parents haven’t been able to let go of their adult child,” Dr. Martinek said and added this will prevent the child to reach their full maturation potential.
“It will also prevent the relationship they have with their partner to flourish because they will always be stuck pleasing their parent and re-enacting a parent-child pattern in the adult child’s own relationship with their partner, and won’t be able to focus or cultivate a healthy and mature relationship with their partner,” she concluded.
The vast majority of readers deemed the user to be in the wrong and unanimously said he and his family should reconsider their actions
I wonder if SIL's desserts have never made her royal assholeness' menu either. I somehow doubt this was the first time she felt rejected either. This is a MIL from the depths of hell who uses Christmas as an excuse to abuse the women who dared to take her babies away.
OP is an idiot. He writes "I don't know how this got out of control so quickly", but this BS has been going on for YEARS.
Well, it was all perfectly reasonable until it started to affect him in the slightest
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When the food is more important than the people, you are doing something very wrong. What a horrible tradition
My grandmother brought nonspecific vegetable coloured mash to every family dinner. You would get a 6 month hit of fibre of a texture similar to baby food. It was awful. Every time though you just said thank you so much for bringing something. Everyone took a little bit, no one ate much except for my uncle who loved his mom very much. No one said gross or don't bring that. Isn't that how you make people feel included and loved and like Christmassy
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My neckhairs are standing up. Sheesh, I can almost hear the mom going 'This pleases the Matriarch' when sampling the cookies. Wtf, and why only the women, it's not the 50's anymore.
Yeah, I love baking cookies, and I do bake good cookies. The, so far, best and most loved only have four ingredients, and they aren't even weighed or something... They happen. They happen good every time.
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This is so weird in so many ways. My sample dessert would be the chocolate pie from The Help. Muwhahaha 💩🥧.
Wow. This sounds like the beginning of one of those Hallmark Christmas movies where the girl decides she has had enough with this competition and moves to a small town where she meets people who appreciate her baking, opens a small cookie place, and she ends up selling her cookies to someone that brings them to ex MIL Christmas party.
Who rejects free cookies? His mother is a monster. The worst kind of cookie monster.
It could be changed to "cookie sampler tray" could each one who wishes, bring 6 cookies to be added to a tray to be enjoyed by all. Could even have a few packaged bags to exchange if so desired. Somewhat like a cookie exchange, just for those wanted to receive more for they were that good.
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I've just been asked if I could bring a cake for Christmas, chocolate and no nuts or almonds please. Because someone else has been asked to bring a cream cake (gluten free) and a third has been asked to bring some side dishes. If it's just to makesure we don't all bring the same ting it's ok. Or asking for a specific type (can you bring potatosalad?). Even asking for a specific dish/cake "because I know X loves it". But I've never ever heard someone demanding samples that can be excluded.
OP, you my friend are a complete AH. Christmas is supposed to be fun, not a point scoring exercise. You need to cut the apron strings your mother has tied round your neck. Either that or you grow a pair and tell your mum a few home truths, she's a bully.
YTA, How can you possibly think this is normal. Can't believe she married you knowing this existed.
Of course YTA, but honestly? I wouldn't even send in samples. I would just say: Sorry, I know my cooking is not to your liking, so there is no reason to even try. Why is it so important for the wife that her things are put on the menu? I would GLADLY get rejected, so I do not have to do any additional work. Christmas time is stressful enough without baking large batches of cookies for the extended family. Also, there is always the possibility to get revenge by hosting a family gathering and asking the MIL to send samples and then rejecting her food.
The poor woman has probably been trying to get his mother's blessing since they got married. I am sure it is more than just about the desserts.
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This makes no sense. Why is the mother so picky about the dessert when all other food is welcomed and why does the mother not doing it herself as she apparently is the expert of the tastebuds of every single family member? And cookies? The more variety the better I would say.
OP and OP's mum are TA. OP's SIL also was rejected. Does he not find it odd that everyone's `samples` (really effing weird concept imo) were accepted EXCEPT the one who aren't blood related? How long has SIL been rejected? I wouldn't be surprised if her `samples` were never accepted either. I don't think OP's mum sees her DILs as family
All the rejected bakers should enjoy a meal together and savor each other's failed submissions. OP is an AH, raised by another AH. What a toxic family!
YTA and the Mom too! The easiest and the best solution would be that everyone who wanted to, could bring their own cookies and the guests could have chosen which ones to eat. But No, Mom has to be THAT control freak
just as there's more than one cookie recipe, so is the ways that sweet potato is done. With marshmallows or brown sugar (light or dark) Karo syrup, which does the almighty MIL know her people will like? Will she pick another food in the future, once there's an uprising with the desserts?
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Using Christmas to bully someone from your family... really ? That's the "Christmas spirit" in this house?
Well, in MIL's eyes she's not "family". That's what this is about
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He’s the AH, his mom is the AH, his brother is the AH. It’s a family tradition!
OP is TA. Not only for not supporting his wife all these years, but for now blaming her when his brother's wife decides to not attend either. This family has really odd ideas about women.
The mother is passive-aggressively hostile to some of the women in the family. This is a malignant personality with quite a bit of narcissism involved. Is this mother a 2-star or better Michelin chef? I bet not.
WTAF?! Is his mom Prue Leith? This is definitely not in the spirit of Christmas. (And that's coming from an atheist.) It should be about fun, family, and togetherness. This is just weird. I'd be insulted, too. I've never been asked for an advance sample of any dish I was bringing to a party. If people don't like what I being, they don't have to eat it. Also, I'm a dude and I like to bake; why is this "contest" only for the women?
About "only for women", I'm guessing only the women cook in that family and that's not rare. My husband can cook pasta and ... pasta. I don't think his brothers cook either except maybe one.
Load More Replies... If you leave your wife at home you better take what you need if it was me you wouldn’t be coming back. You support your wife not your mother who is trying to prove no one measures up to her standards. (ego)
OP, divorce your wife and marry your mother. Your wonderful, sexist, judgmental, gate-keeping, picky eater of a mother! Your wife sounds like a delightfully talented insurgent whose cookies I would welcome.
What is wrong with these 2 male knuckleheads. Your wives don't need to bow down and make cookies. You make the freaking cookies. Then you clean up. Your wife put up with this garbage long enough.
Who says no to extra cookies?!?! Who in their right mind turns cookies away for a party?!? (Besides allergies and the like.) Ice queen over there needs to get off her throne before her dinner party dwindles down to nothing. Also OP needs to get his head out of his butt and really look at what is happening.
If it was optional - s**t, I wouldn't participate after the first two rejections. Wouldn't let myself get emotionally vested in this mother's controlling power play. And I would let my husband kindly know that he is more than invited to try and send in a sample himself.
The hubby should have been telling the wife not to participate from the start and certainly not to after the first time. As it is, I can't imagine this Christmas get together is any kind of fun to attend.
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YTA YTA YTA!!! And so is OP’s mother. This is ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS, and I highly doubt this is the first time that SIL has been rejected too. I really hope these women have a nice Christmas, without their terrible husbands and MIL.
This isn’t relevant to the issue, but I wonder what kind of a cook the AH mother is.
So YTA. And your wife should not attend another family event until you and your mother apologize. Going forward, you should be the one who makes any food for your family event. Your wife and sil will have a better Christmas without the a**holes in their lives.
YTA, and his mother is even bigger one. It was never about dessert samples, mother is trying to bully OP's wife and showing her, that she's not good enough. And apparently it's going on for years.
I'd have asked for a re-try, then sent in a selection of samples of household poos (cats, dogs, geckos, freshly harvested diaper from the neighbours, ... ) instead of an explicit refusal to go. I'm destructive that way.
Or then ask one of the excepted people to give you a sample and send it over as yours, cause that would then prove the bias
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Abstract thought isn't your forte, huh OP? & No Honey, allowing your mother to bully & abuse your SO is the problem & it's already "bigger." Why wife & SILs participated in this b***h- fest in yrs past is beyond me. God help you if you have children.. Mum's batsh*t. Better a TV dinner @ home than sitting about w/ your family for a feast. Sorry, but YTA.
Mil has to sample to make sure it's approved for all the guests coming from all over the country?. How the hell does she know what other people like. Controlling manipulative bi0tch. Would have loved to mix up all the samples so she didn't know who made what and then make her choose. Or just bring your dessert anyway and put it in the table and let her try to explain to everyone why she rejected it. And he's the husband sucks double time for not defending his wife.
He’s the AH, wife should go and take her cookies as should all the other women who’ve been sidelined. Screw the MIL and her crazy christmases.
Maybe the MIL is actually using the cookie sample event solely to have someone else bake a variety of goods that she then uses for some event other than the Christmas gathering...it's a scam!
Who the hell asks for samples of what you are going to bring for family dinner!?! I would've messed with this so bad...would've ordered something from the Cake Boss as my sample, get that approved, then show up with some c**p show of a dessert
Never marry into this family. Nothing like making your spouse feel unappreciated and degraded for the holidays.
I've been banned for years from my in-laws' at T-giving and Christmas b/c my bro-in-law (hubby's bro, to be precise) said my baking is nier than his wife's. So my guess is, this MIL AH is like my BIL's wife ------ if it's good, she rejects it so she doesn't get "upstaged". Dude needs to stop worrying about his mommy and grow up, or she needs to divorce his sorry butt.
dang, what a terrible way to kick off the Christmas season. Why doesn't the MIL just make the cookies herself or get them from a bakery, rather than hurting the feelings of several of her own family. Sounds like she's only concerned about her own appearance and her status as hostess, and not about fostering a warm, family environment for the holidays.
... those picky overgrandmas and overgrandpas really suck. Likely, his Ma never did any but cooking whatesoever, and this is her way to feel powerful and relevant. Sad, but it's a Mum-Problem. Mum can solve it alone, or Mum can continue fostering her hostility. Her choice. Wife did right. After all, cookies you don't like ... you don't eat. Everyone does so ... end of the day, cookies are all gone. Always. His mother sucks.
Talk about power tripping.Who does this woman think she is? If OP wants to stay married he needs to A:apologize to his wife and mean it,B:realize that his mother's making a contest out of bringing food to a family holiday dinner is INSANE,and C:grow some balls and a spine and tell Mommy Dearest to get over herself,and if she won't,OP will not attend any more of her power tripping opportunities either.
The mother is being TA. She is completely missing the point of family and sharing and love. She decides who brings what so she is a Cristmas Dictator, and the son is its general. So I agree with wife, SIL and the other SIL and organize an alternative Christmas party where everyone is appreciated and welcomed.
I feel guilty because I loved reading about this guy getting skewered...... But idgaf, fuuck him!
It's CHOPPED the family Christmas edition. OP is clueless, and I really HOPE this is his only blind spot. I'd NEVER subject myself to that MIL ever again. And if OP wanted to take the kids, he could be in charge of them all by his lonely self.
What they should do is have OP’s wife bake the next dessert for the holiday “testers” and send samples to the MIL from that one batch as though they are from each different person. See what happens.
I wouldn't put up with it either. I had the MIL from hell and I never let her get away with her nasty tricks. Got rid of the whole bunch when I divorced the bit#h's piece of Sh#t son.
You can either support your wife and have brother over or move to your moms. If you leave your wife alone you deserve to get kicked out. Your mother is only feeding her own ego
This is not food. This is CONTROL. I choose who bake and who not.
Is Martha Stewart her MIL? Is she a judge in food network? I don’t see any other reason this could even be a little bit okay. What a weird tradition
Wife is NTA, obviously. Curious, is only the desserts being tested? So wife can bring a side dish, without being critiqued prior? Also if dessert isn't approved for menu, are the women free to not bring anything to contribute? Because if that was the case, I wouldn't submit and just show up with my appetite. No fuss, no muss. But I have yet to see a dessert table where there were desserts left at the end of the day. Plus of MiL has guests, any leftovers for next day you'd think would be appreciated.
The males in your family need to pay attention to the abusive bs the females are getting from dessert sample c**p your mother from hell is doing. Read the freaking room, idiots
Have all the "rejects" bring their samplings. Don't bring them in until dessert time and TaDa! Let the protected masses decide if they need protection. If MIL wants a competition give her one. Oh and the men can join in too.
This is such a weird way to pit all of the women in her family against each other to try and win her approval and has NOTHING to do with food. Not to mention OP is acting like his wife corrupted the other women and that's the only reason they're not going either. No! They hate this tradition and are just as hurt by it but desperately want this his mother's acceptance and OPs wife is the only one with the balls to quit playing this stupid game and now that she has the other women in the family are finally standing up and saying enough is enough too. Good on her. If it were me I'd bring a bag of fast food every year and tell the mother her food just isn't good enough so she got something edible. I'd bring enough for everyone too because I guarantee there are people there that are forcing themselves to eat her, most likely, pretentious menu or going hungry because they don't like the same things the mother deems worthy of serving.
I’d make cookies and cakes and anything else I wanted to take that I liked and knew my husband liked. I walk in, head held high and set them on the dessert table. If they disappeared, I’d ask loudly enough for everyone to hear what happened to the desserts I brought? Then the mil can either return the desserts or everyone can see the fool she is. I would team up with my SIL and let my husband know. I would expect his support. Then a mature conversation cold be held about how silly and demoralizing this competition is and in the future they will just be bringing something. Time for mommy to let go of the reins of her little boys.
YTA as are your brothers and dad. If your mom was really very particular about food she would be solely responsible for all sides too. Your mom found "an acceptable" way to bully the other women in the family to put herself on a Pedestal which worked! You believe your mom is reasonable!! And right!!! Manners dictate if you request a guest to contribute you must serve. It is tacky to require guests to repeatedly audition to determine if they are "good enough". I highly doubt your SIL decision to boycott because of your is ridiculous! I would bet the rejected "sample bakers" have been talking about this hurt for years. I would bet they all put their all in this year as a last resort to test your ogre. .oops, mom. I give these women a huge amount of credit for even trying the first year.I'm an excellent cook and baker and I wouldn't have ever auditioned and likely would have boycotted the first year if anyone had been told their desserts weren't good enough!! SEEK COUNSELING TODAY!!
OP is definitely TA, and his mother as well. Seriously, does he have to be served divorce papers before he realizes how destructive his mom is? This "tradition" nothing more than a means to weed out the "undesirables" (i.e., anyone who dares to marry their precious babies.) It's disgusting, to say the least. OP's wife made the right decision in not joining the annual festivities. Hopefully this will start a revolt and put an end to that c**p. That, or the New Year is going to start out with some divorce decrees being issued.
Did Mummy take all OP's girlfriends for a trial run too before he was allowed to propose??
Has anyone considered the possibility that this tradition could go back decades, long before there were daughter in laws? It likely started as a fun tradition between sisters and cousins, a cooking competition. Everyone acts like it's always the mil being mean to her dils, maybe it has nothing to do with them. Sometimes daughter in laws overreact...just a thought. The op sister lost, 2 dils, and cousins. His mother had made it plain that participation was optional. I actually think it could be fun, as long as it was optional and everyone acted like adults. My suggestion would be that they have 3 people to be tasting judges judges..My daughter and I have done food competitions at family events, for ex we both made pull pork for a family dinner, made everyone vote without knowing who made which one...it was funny, the looser vowed to win next time, we laugh and look forward to next competition. My dil can outcook me and my daughter, she opts out of the competition..we think it's pity..lo
Your mother is a freak, and controlling at that. Who the f*ck "auditions" desserts? B*tch eat it or not, I don't give a f*ck.
I would just bring my cookies anyways what is MIL going to do? Not let you in ?? This sounds crazy to me !!!
OP is a douc hebag and his who re of a mother is a rancid, festering CU NT.
Sorry, guy, but the A is you and your mother too. You because you owe your wife support, not your mother. Your mother because she belongs at a mess hall in Parris Island, playing Sgt Chef to abused marines. Some questions you should ask yourself: a you a momma's boy at heart? Isn't there something wrong with your mom's relationships if other rejectees are siding with your wife? What's with this c**p about submitting samples? What's with mom being so particular about desserts but apparently not having any high standards for the rest of the meal? Isn't it obvious that you mom is using this as a weapon against women she doesn't like? You and the other rejectees' husbands should get together and decide to spend Christmas elsewhere, and let the tyrant rule her roost without you.
You can go by yourself. And you can take the dessert wrapped up as gifts for everyone. If you had any sense, you would drop the matter and start looking for a nice vacation to take instead. Your mom the country club head cook can exclude anyone she wants for helping her provide food to entertain others.
Has anyone noticed that the daughters in law are the only ones whose food seem to be consistently rejected? We all know this isn't about food quality but control. What also goads me is that OP is approaching this as if his sure and SIL are acting like bratty children while it is true of their Mom I'm sure they never talked to their Mom. Then they'll be all shocked when both of them are served divorce papers and then given marriage certificates with their Mom's name on it
Me, I would have sent a package of some really cheap store brand and let her choke that down.
This really made me laugh. That MIL is on some power trip. I'd never go to that house or participate again. The wife is clearly young and trying hard to please the MIL. Glad she backed out.
1- I'm not auditioning my food to see if it "makes the cut". 2- the more food we have, great! I like making a sampler plate. 3- I want everyone included (who wants to be), and I don't even care if you bought it on the way over. Lol! We just want to eat and have fun.
My husband would never have putup with this! He always stands up for me. I would rather be at my own house.
He should stand by his wife, he doesn't sleep with his Mother, time to break the apron strings. the Mother is hurting people's feelings, making it competitive and that is not what holidays are supposed to be about. Either his Mothers accepts that she will not participate in this ridiculous thing or they don't go. If he goes without his wife he is wrong too. He needs to grow up.
OP is an idiot. Mom is sexist for only "inviting" the women in the family to participate in this stupid dessert elimination round. And Mom is also an idiot because how can you possibly have too much dessert choice on Christmas day or as leftovers for Boxing Day and beyond.
I wonder what happens if someone refuses to participate in the competition. does every female have to bake? not everyone likes it or is good in it 🤨 anyway i cannot decide who is the bigger AH here: OP or Mil
Sooo what was the Mother's reaction to the wives who refused to attend?
Wow. YTA, your mother is TA and your wife deserves a freakin medal for putting up with this weird competition as long as she has. The whole family should telling the mother that if her standards are so impossible to reach, she should be making her own damn food. Ridiculous.
Also, I'd start my own tradition of dessert samples having to be sent to me whenever I invite to dinner, and then reject them over and over again whenever MIL is sending them
Sounds like a control freak of a mother in law.....no thanks, I would tap out too! YIKES!
The 'I have to approve the sample so that it keeps the guests best interests at heart', however the 'sides' aren't as 'vetted'? That's where I find it 'messed' up. A dessert is so not important in the scheme of things. Sides for a turkey is much different than that of ham or fish. Desserts can be in the taste of the guest. Is that why there is 3 choices? So just assign 3 gals the dessert part, 2 for salad 2 for vegetables some for bread so on and so on. Let the assigned ones determine what is going to be made.
He is AH just for not understanding why is she hurt, which is obvious. They have weird tradition, but it was mentioned that she participated willingly... there is option that she is really horrible in baking even she try hard ... but there must be reason why she feels excluded and want to make it in the menu... i don't think it is just cookies.
I agree that the OP is an a*****e, but I think the wife has a problem as well as the rest of the family. If my MIL had said I and, others, would have to submit samples to this weird contest, I would have noped out from the very beginning. I don't understand why anyone would get involved with this from the start.
This guy is wimpy mamma's boy. He sounds like he's scared of his mother and would rather be with mamma instead of his wife. Sick if you ask me. With my mum I'm pretty sure she prefers my wife over me 🤣 not really, but is it? 🤔
Aaaah.. to live the blissful life of a man where ZERO standards have to be met, you just have to show up
I wonder if SIL's desserts have never made her royal assholeness' menu either. I somehow doubt this was the first time she felt rejected either. This is a MIL from the depths of hell who uses Christmas as an excuse to abuse the women who dared to take her babies away.
OP is an idiot. He writes "I don't know how this got out of control so quickly", but this BS has been going on for YEARS.
Well, it was all perfectly reasonable until it started to affect him in the slightest
Load More Replies... When the food is more important than the people, you are doing something very wrong. What a horrible tradition
My grandmother brought nonspecific vegetable coloured mash to every family dinner. You would get a 6 month hit of fibre of a texture similar to baby food. It was awful. Every time though you just said thank you so much for bringing something. Everyone took a little bit, no one ate much except for my uncle who loved his mom very much. No one said gross or don't bring that. Isn't that how you make people feel included and loved and like Christmassy
Load More Replies... My neckhairs are standing up. Sheesh, I can almost hear the mom going 'This pleases the Matriarch' when sampling the cookies. Wtf, and why only the women, it's not the 50's anymore.
Yeah, I love baking cookies, and I do bake good cookies. The, so far, best and most loved only have four ingredients, and they aren't even weighed or something... They happen. They happen good every time.
Load More Replies... This is so weird in so many ways. My sample dessert would be the chocolate pie from The Help. Muwhahaha 💩🥧.
Wow. This sounds like the beginning of one of those Hallmark Christmas movies where the girl decides she has had enough with this competition and moves to a small town where she meets people who appreciate her baking, opens a small cookie place, and she ends up selling her cookies to someone that brings them to ex MIL Christmas party.
Who rejects free cookies? His mother is a monster. The worst kind of cookie monster.
It could be changed to "cookie sampler tray" could each one who wishes, bring 6 cookies to be added to a tray to be enjoyed by all. Could even have a few packaged bags to exchange if so desired. Somewhat like a cookie exchange, just for those wanted to receive more for they were that good.
Load More Replies... I've just been asked if I could bring a cake for Christmas, chocolate and no nuts or almonds please. Because someone else has been asked to bring a cream cake (gluten free) and a third has been asked to bring some side dishes. If it's just to makesure we don't all bring the same ting it's ok. Or asking for a specific type (can you bring potatosalad?). Even asking for a specific dish/cake "because I know X loves it". But I've never ever heard someone demanding samples that can be excluded.
OP, you my friend are a complete AH. Christmas is supposed to be fun, not a point scoring exercise. You need to cut the apron strings your mother has tied round your neck. Either that or you grow a pair and tell your mum a few home truths, she's a bully.
YTA, How can you possibly think this is normal. Can't believe she married you knowing this existed.
Of course YTA, but honestly? I wouldn't even send in samples. I would just say: Sorry, I know my cooking is not to your liking, so there is no reason to even try. Why is it so important for the wife that her things are put on the menu? I would GLADLY get rejected, so I do not have to do any additional work. Christmas time is stressful enough without baking large batches of cookies for the extended family. Also, there is always the possibility to get revenge by hosting a family gathering and asking the MIL to send samples and then rejecting her food.
The poor woman has probably been trying to get his mother's blessing since they got married. I am sure it is more than just about the desserts.
Load More Replies... This makes no sense. Why is the mother so picky about the dessert when all other food is welcomed and why does the mother not doing it herself as she apparently is the expert of the tastebuds of every single family member? And cookies? The more variety the better I would say.
OP and OP's mum are TA. OP's SIL also was rejected. Does he not find it odd that everyone's `samples` (really effing weird concept imo) were accepted EXCEPT the one who aren't blood related? How long has SIL been rejected? I wouldn't be surprised if her `samples` were never accepted either. I don't think OP's mum sees her DILs as family
All the rejected bakers should enjoy a meal together and savor each other's failed submissions. OP is an AH, raised by another AH. What a toxic family!
YTA and the Mom too! The easiest and the best solution would be that everyone who wanted to, could bring their own cookies and the guests could have chosen which ones to eat. But No, Mom has to be THAT control freak
just as there's more than one cookie recipe, so is the ways that sweet potato is done. With marshmallows or brown sugar (light or dark) Karo syrup, which does the almighty MIL know her people will like? Will she pick another food in the future, once there's an uprising with the desserts?
Load More Replies... Using Christmas to bully someone from your family... really ? That's the "Christmas spirit" in this house?
Well, in MIL's eyes she's not "family". That's what this is about
Load More Replies... He’s the AH, his mom is the AH, his brother is the AH. It’s a family tradition!
OP is TA. Not only for not supporting his wife all these years, but for now blaming her when his brother's wife decides to not attend either. This family has really odd ideas about women.
The mother is passive-aggressively hostile to some of the women in the family. This is a malignant personality with quite a bit of narcissism involved. Is this mother a 2-star or better Michelin chef? I bet not.
WTAF?! Is his mom Prue Leith? This is definitely not in the spirit of Christmas. (And that's coming from an atheist.) It should be about fun, family, and togetherness. This is just weird. I'd be insulted, too. I've never been asked for an advance sample of any dish I was bringing to a party. If people don't like what I being, they don't have to eat it. Also, I'm a dude and I like to bake; why is this "contest" only for the women?
About "only for women", I'm guessing only the women cook in that family and that's not rare. My husband can cook pasta and ... pasta. I don't think his brothers cook either except maybe one.
Load More Replies... If you leave your wife at home you better take what you need if it was me you wouldn’t be coming back. You support your wife not your mother who is trying to prove no one measures up to her standards. (ego)
OP, divorce your wife and marry your mother. Your wonderful, sexist, judgmental, gate-keeping, picky eater of a mother! Your wife sounds like a delightfully talented insurgent whose cookies I would welcome.
What is wrong with these 2 male knuckleheads. Your wives don't need to bow down and make cookies. You make the freaking cookies. Then you clean up. Your wife put up with this garbage long enough.
Who says no to extra cookies?!?! Who in their right mind turns cookies away for a party?!? (Besides allergies and the like.) Ice queen over there needs to get off her throne before her dinner party dwindles down to nothing. Also OP needs to get his head out of his butt and really look at what is happening.
If it was optional - s**t, I wouldn't participate after the first two rejections. Wouldn't let myself get emotionally vested in this mother's controlling power play. And I would let my husband kindly know that he is more than invited to try and send in a sample himself.
The hubby should have been telling the wife not to participate from the start and certainly not to after the first time. As it is, I can't imagine this Christmas get together is any kind of fun to attend.
Load More Replies... YTA YTA YTA!!! And so is OP’s mother. This is ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS, and I highly doubt this is the first time that SIL has been rejected too. I really hope these women have a nice Christmas, without their terrible husbands and MIL.
This isn’t relevant to the issue, but I wonder what kind of a cook the AH mother is.
So YTA. And your wife should not attend another family event until you and your mother apologize. Going forward, you should be the one who makes any food for your family event. Your wife and sil will have a better Christmas without the a**holes in their lives.
YTA, and his mother is even bigger one. It was never about dessert samples, mother is trying to bully OP's wife and showing her, that she's not good enough. And apparently it's going on for years.
I'd have asked for a re-try, then sent in a selection of samples of household poos (cats, dogs, geckos, freshly harvested diaper from the neighbours, ... ) instead of an explicit refusal to go. I'm destructive that way.
Or then ask one of the excepted people to give you a sample and send it over as yours, cause that would then prove the bias
Load More Replies... Abstract thought isn't your forte, huh OP? & No Honey, allowing your mother to bully & abuse your SO is the problem & it's already "bigger." Why wife & SILs participated in this b***h- fest in yrs past is beyond me. God help you if you have children.. Mum's batsh*t. Better a TV dinner @ home than sitting about w/ your family for a feast. Sorry, but YTA.
Mil has to sample to make sure it's approved for all the guests coming from all over the country?. How the hell does she know what other people like. Controlling manipulative bi0tch. Would have loved to mix up all the samples so she didn't know who made what and then make her choose. Or just bring your dessert anyway and put it in the table and let her try to explain to everyone why she rejected it. And he's the husband sucks double time for not defending his wife.
He’s the AH, wife should go and take her cookies as should all the other women who’ve been sidelined. Screw the MIL and her crazy christmases.
Maybe the MIL is actually using the cookie sample event solely to have someone else bake a variety of goods that she then uses for some event other than the Christmas gathering...it's a scam!
Who the hell asks for samples of what you are going to bring for family dinner!?! I would've messed with this so bad...would've ordered something from the Cake Boss as my sample, get that approved, then show up with some c**p show of a dessert
Never marry into this family. Nothing like making your spouse feel unappreciated and degraded for the holidays.
I've been banned for years from my in-laws' at T-giving and Christmas b/c my bro-in-law (hubby's bro, to be precise) said my baking is nier than his wife's. So my guess is, this MIL AH is like my BIL's wife ------ if it's good, she rejects it so she doesn't get "upstaged". Dude needs to stop worrying about his mommy and grow up, or she needs to divorce his sorry butt.
dang, what a terrible way to kick off the Christmas season. Why doesn't the MIL just make the cookies herself or get them from a bakery, rather than hurting the feelings of several of her own family. Sounds like she's only concerned about her own appearance and her status as hostess, and not about fostering a warm, family environment for the holidays.
... those picky overgrandmas and overgrandpas really suck. Likely, his Ma never did any but cooking whatesoever, and this is her way to feel powerful and relevant. Sad, but it's a Mum-Problem. Mum can solve it alone, or Mum can continue fostering her hostility. Her choice. Wife did right. After all, cookies you don't like ... you don't eat. Everyone does so ... end of the day, cookies are all gone. Always. His mother sucks.
Talk about power tripping.Who does this woman think she is? If OP wants to stay married he needs to A:apologize to his wife and mean it,B:realize that his mother's making a contest out of bringing food to a family holiday dinner is INSANE,and C:grow some balls and a spine and tell Mommy Dearest to get over herself,and if she won't,OP will not attend any more of her power tripping opportunities either.
The mother is being TA. She is completely missing the point of family and sharing and love. She decides who brings what so she is a Cristmas Dictator, and the son is its general. So I agree with wife, SIL and the other SIL and organize an alternative Christmas party where everyone is appreciated and welcomed.
I feel guilty because I loved reading about this guy getting skewered...... But idgaf, fuuck him!
It's CHOPPED the family Christmas edition. OP is clueless, and I really HOPE this is his only blind spot. I'd NEVER subject myself to that MIL ever again. And if OP wanted to take the kids, he could be in charge of them all by his lonely self.
What they should do is have OP’s wife bake the next dessert for the holiday “testers” and send samples to the MIL from that one batch as though they are from each different person. See what happens.
I wouldn't put up with it either. I had the MIL from hell and I never let her get away with her nasty tricks. Got rid of the whole bunch when I divorced the bit#h's piece of Sh#t son.
You can either support your wife and have brother over or move to your moms. If you leave your wife alone you deserve to get kicked out. Your mother is only feeding her own ego
This is not food. This is CONTROL. I choose who bake and who not.
Is Martha Stewart her MIL? Is she a judge in food network? I don’t see any other reason this could even be a little bit okay. What a weird tradition
Wife is NTA, obviously. Curious, is only the desserts being tested? So wife can bring a side dish, without being critiqued prior? Also if dessert isn't approved for menu, are the women free to not bring anything to contribute? Because if that was the case, I wouldn't submit and just show up with my appetite. No fuss, no muss. But I have yet to see a dessert table where there were desserts left at the end of the day. Plus of MiL has guests, any leftovers for next day you'd think would be appreciated.
The males in your family need to pay attention to the abusive bs the females are getting from dessert sample c**p your mother from hell is doing. Read the freaking room, idiots
Have all the "rejects" bring their samplings. Don't bring them in until dessert time and TaDa! Let the protected masses decide if they need protection. If MIL wants a competition give her one. Oh and the men can join in too.
This is such a weird way to pit all of the women in her family against each other to try and win her approval and has NOTHING to do with food. Not to mention OP is acting like his wife corrupted the other women and that's the only reason they're not going either. No! They hate this tradition and are just as hurt by it but desperately want this his mother's acceptance and OPs wife is the only one with the balls to quit playing this stupid game and now that she has the other women in the family are finally standing up and saying enough is enough too. Good on her. If it were me I'd bring a bag of fast food every year and tell the mother her food just isn't good enough so she got something edible. I'd bring enough for everyone too because I guarantee there are people there that are forcing themselves to eat her, most likely, pretentious menu or going hungry because they don't like the same things the mother deems worthy of serving.
I’d make cookies and cakes and anything else I wanted to take that I liked and knew my husband liked. I walk in, head held high and set them on the dessert table. If they disappeared, I’d ask loudly enough for everyone to hear what happened to the desserts I brought? Then the mil can either return the desserts or everyone can see the fool she is. I would team up with my SIL and let my husband know. I would expect his support. Then a mature conversation cold be held about how silly and demoralizing this competition is and in the future they will just be bringing something. Time for mommy to let go of the reins of her little boys.
YTA as are your brothers and dad. If your mom was really very particular about food she would be solely responsible for all sides too. Your mom found "an acceptable" way to bully the other women in the family to put herself on a Pedestal which worked! You believe your mom is reasonable!! And right!!! Manners dictate if you request a guest to contribute you must serve. It is tacky to require guests to repeatedly audition to determine if they are "good enough". I highly doubt your SIL decision to boycott because of your is ridiculous! I would bet the rejected "sample bakers" have been talking about this hurt for years. I would bet they all put their all in this year as a last resort to test your ogre. .oops, mom. I give these women a huge amount of credit for even trying the first year.I'm an excellent cook and baker and I wouldn't have ever auditioned and likely would have boycotted the first year if anyone had been told their desserts weren't good enough!! SEEK COUNSELING TODAY!!
OP is definitely TA, and his mother as well. Seriously, does he have to be served divorce papers before he realizes how destructive his mom is? This "tradition" nothing more than a means to weed out the "undesirables" (i.e., anyone who dares to marry their precious babies.) It's disgusting, to say the least. OP's wife made the right decision in not joining the annual festivities. Hopefully this will start a revolt and put an end to that c**p. That, or the New Year is going to start out with some divorce decrees being issued.
Did Mummy take all OP's girlfriends for a trial run too before he was allowed to propose??
Has anyone considered the possibility that this tradition could go back decades, long before there were daughter in laws? It likely started as a fun tradition between sisters and cousins, a cooking competition. Everyone acts like it's always the mil being mean to her dils, maybe it has nothing to do with them. Sometimes daughter in laws overreact...just a thought. The op sister lost, 2 dils, and cousins. His mother had made it plain that participation was optional. I actually think it could be fun, as long as it was optional and everyone acted like adults. My suggestion would be that they have 3 people to be tasting judges judges..My daughter and I have done food competitions at family events, for ex we both made pull pork for a family dinner, made everyone vote without knowing who made which one...it was funny, the looser vowed to win next time, we laugh and look forward to next competition. My dil can outcook me and my daughter, she opts out of the competition..we think it's pity..lo
Your mother is a freak, and controlling at that. Who the f*ck "auditions" desserts? B*tch eat it or not, I don't give a f*ck.
I would just bring my cookies anyways what is MIL going to do? Not let you in ?? This sounds crazy to me !!!
OP is a douc hebag and his who re of a mother is a rancid, festering CU NT.
Sorry, guy, but the A is you and your mother too. You because you owe your wife support, not your mother. Your mother because she belongs at a mess hall in Parris Island, playing Sgt Chef to abused marines. Some questions you should ask yourself: a you a momma's boy at heart? Isn't there something wrong with your mom's relationships if other rejectees are siding with your wife? What's with this c**p about submitting samples? What's with mom being so particular about desserts but apparently not having any high standards for the rest of the meal? Isn't it obvious that you mom is using this as a weapon against women she doesn't like? You and the other rejectees' husbands should get together and decide to spend Christmas elsewhere, and let the tyrant rule her roost without you.
You can go by yourself. And you can take the dessert wrapped up as gifts for everyone. If you had any sense, you would drop the matter and start looking for a nice vacation to take instead. Your mom the country club head cook can exclude anyone she wants for helping her provide food to entertain others.
Has anyone noticed that the daughters in law are the only ones whose food seem to be consistently rejected? We all know this isn't about food quality but control. What also goads me is that OP is approaching this as if his sure and SIL are acting like bratty children while it is true of their Mom I'm sure they never talked to their Mom. Then they'll be all shocked when both of them are served divorce papers and then given marriage certificates with their Mom's name on it
Me, I would have sent a package of some really cheap store brand and let her choke that down.
This really made me laugh. That MIL is on some power trip. I'd never go to that house or participate again. The wife is clearly young and trying hard to please the MIL. Glad she backed out.
1- I'm not auditioning my food to see if it "makes the cut". 2- the more food we have, great! I like making a sampler plate. 3- I want everyone included (who wants to be), and I don't even care if you bought it on the way over. Lol! We just want to eat and have fun.
My husband would never have putup with this! He always stands up for me. I would rather be at my own house.
He should stand by his wife, he doesn't sleep with his Mother, time to break the apron strings. the Mother is hurting people's feelings, making it competitive and that is not what holidays are supposed to be about. Either his Mothers accepts that she will not participate in this ridiculous thing or they don't go. If he goes without his wife he is wrong too. He needs to grow up.
OP is an idiot. Mom is sexist for only "inviting" the women in the family to participate in this stupid dessert elimination round. And Mom is also an idiot because how can you possibly have too much dessert choice on Christmas day or as leftovers for Boxing Day and beyond.
I wonder what happens if someone refuses to participate in the competition. does every female have to bake? not everyone likes it or is good in it 🤨 anyway i cannot decide who is the bigger AH here: OP or Mil
Sooo what was the Mother's reaction to the wives who refused to attend?
Wow. YTA, your mother is TA and your wife deserves a freakin medal for putting up with this weird competition as long as she has. The whole family should telling the mother that if her standards are so impossible to reach, she should be making her own damn food. Ridiculous.
Also, I'd start my own tradition of dessert samples having to be sent to me whenever I invite to dinner, and then reject them over and over again whenever MIL is sending them
Sounds like a control freak of a mother in law.....no thanks, I would tap out too! YIKES!
The 'I have to approve the sample so that it keeps the guests best interests at heart', however the 'sides' aren't as 'vetted'? That's where I find it 'messed' up. A dessert is so not important in the scheme of things. Sides for a turkey is much different than that of ham or fish. Desserts can be in the taste of the guest. Is that why there is 3 choices? So just assign 3 gals the dessert part, 2 for salad 2 for vegetables some for bread so on and so on. Let the assigned ones determine what is going to be made.
He is AH just for not understanding why is she hurt, which is obvious. They have weird tradition, but it was mentioned that she participated willingly... there is option that she is really horrible in baking even she try hard ... but there must be reason why she feels excluded and want to make it in the menu... i don't think it is just cookies.
I agree that the OP is an a*****e, but I think the wife has a problem as well as the rest of the family. If my MIL had said I and, others, would have to submit samples to this weird contest, I would have noped out from the very beginning. I don't understand why anyone would get involved with this from the start.
This guy is wimpy mamma's boy. He sounds like he's scared of his mother and would rather be with mamma instead of his wife. Sick if you ask me. With my mum I'm pretty sure she prefers my wife over me 🤣 not really, but is it? 🤔
Aaaah.. to live the blissful life of a man where ZERO standards have to be met, you just have to show up
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