Husband Accuses New Mom Of Choosing Formula Over Breastfeeding Despite It Hurting Unbearably, Family Drama Ensues
During pregnancy, women’s bodies change drastically to support bringing a new life into the world. It doesn’t stop after birth either. Breastfeeding is the next step and it can be challenging for all mothers, especially first-time ones. However, some find it even more difficult than others.
In a recent Reddit thread, one mother opened up about her trouble with breastfeeding and the intense pain it was giving her. After making the switch to formula milk, she found there was still another nagging pain, but this time, from her husband instead. He was upset and disappointed in her for doing this, citing that it would affect the baby’s health and development.
Although it was her decision to do this, the mother here wondered if it was the right thing to do or if she was justified in her reasoning. Read on for the full story.
Image credits: Lucy Wolski (not the actual photo)
The World Health Organization recommends that babies should be breastfed exclusively for the first six months of their lives. In a related study, approximately only 41% of newborns meet this requirement around the world, although this is not often through choice.
Like all mammals, we’ve naturally evolved to produce milk that provides all the essential nutrients to support our young before they can ingest solids. Everything that babies consume comes from their mother, which means that they need to be capable of sustaining both themselves and their little ones.
According to medical research, an extra 500 calories per day is needed to help support milk production. Not to mention, a healthy diet is fundamental for this too. All the usual fruit and vegetables are needed in combination with healthy fats, proteins, and carbohydrates. Drinking plenty of water and staying hydrated is also essential when breastfeeding.
A new mother explains her problems of pain during breastfeeding
She decides to use formula milk as an alternative, but her husband disagrees with it
He thinks that lack of breastfeeding is affecting the baby’s development
Image credits: Throwaway60991
The nutrients being passed from mother to baby is one side of a healthy diet, another is the energy that it gives to mothers breastfeeding. Although babies first get their sustenance passively from their mother during pregnancy, the act of breastfeeding itself can be really tiring for mothers, especially when they’re already feeling run-down from the constant attention that newborns need.
This can be a reason for mothers to turn to alternatives, such as formula milk. However, the phrase “breast is best” is used to remind new mothers of the benefits of natural breastfeeding. It’s repeated time and time again but for good reason.
Dr. Jay Hoecker gave his professional advice to The Mayo Clinic. He explained that: “Commercial infant formulas don’t contain the immunity-boosting elements of breast milk that only your body can provide to your baby. For most babies, breast milk is also easier to digest than formula.”
He doesn’t discredit the use of formula milk completely, however. He said, “When prepared as directed, however, infant formula supports healthy babies who have typical dietary needs.”
Whilst the mother in the story perhaps doesn’t disagree with the science behind breastfeeding, she did struggle with the pain and alludes that she had health conditions that affected her even before pregnancy. Although almost all mothers experience pain in the first weeks of breastfeeding, it shouldn’t be constant.
For those in the same situation, Dr. Jay Hoecker said, “If you’re struggling, ask a lactation consultant or your baby’s doctor for help. If your baby’s doctor is concerned that your baby isn’t receiving adequate nutrition or hydration, he or she might suggest pumping and supplementing with expressed breast milk or formula.”
People have weighed in on the situation regarding breastfeeding but also the husband’s attitude
She should make a deal with the hubby. She will agree to resume the painful breast feeding, as long as he keeps a clothespin or alligator clamp on one his own nipples for the duration of each feeding.
That would probably still be less painful than what she is experiencing.
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If you can breastfeed without pain and with enough milk, great, go ahead. If not, use formula and don't torture yourself. A baby should be fed in peace and you can't do that if your nipples feel like they get shredded. When I was born over 40 years ago and the generation of my parents, almost no one was breastfeeding their babies because doctors recommended formula. And guess what, most people my age and up also don't have allergies and do get along with their mothers. But yes, breastfeeding is better, but definitely not a huge advantage over formula (even if everything works just fine). It is also really hard to say if it is just the breastfeeding or if there are other factors involved. (People who breastfeed their babies tend to have more time, a better education and a higher income and probably also live in a less polluted area than poorer people, who often have to get back to work asap after giving birth.)
I switched to bottle for my baby's health (all foremilk no hindmilk). He flourished. Yes it's the husband's child too, but it's also hers, and her boobs as well. If he was concerned he could have perhaps looked into breast milk banks or something idk, if she was ok with that. Nursing is hard, exhausting, and adding to that her pain I would have done the same thing
NTA. I am pro-breastfeeding but ultimately your physical and mental health are important. I know how hard and painful breastfeeding can be. Its physically and emotionally exhuasting even when its going well. When it's not its really really hard and the ONLY person who gets to make choices for your body is YOU. Your husband's comments "I am sorry you got mad..." is gaslighting and and his comments about being dissapointed is manipulative. Heed the warnings. Take care of yourself and feed your baby however you damn please.
Exactly. NTA. Though I'm guessing she had a sh!t Lactation Consultant, and baby probably had a tongue tie issue. Usually leads to a need for speech therapy later, and is an easy fix as an infant.
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Babies have died because they weren't able to get enough breastmilk from moms and the mothers were being brow beaten to avoid giving the babies bottles or formula out of fear of confusing the baby. Screw the husband, you are doing what is best for your son. I was unable to breast feed my son because he would not take to it. It was only later that we found out he was autistic and probably did not like the skin to skin contact at the time. That didn't stop nurses and nutritionists from trying to "keep me informed" as to the benefits of breastmilk. When one nurse was getting on my last nerve about it, I handed her my son and said "explain it to him. I can't force him to do something he doesn't want to do." She finally shut up.
I started off breastfeeding and managed about two weeks. I was exhausted and in agony, I literally cried everytime I fed baby because of the pain. Baby wasn't sleeping much and was losing weight, I spoke to my midwife who said it's OK to stop and use formula. Baby started sleeping much better and was thriving. She's now an adult with zero health problems. Fed is best.
Some people today talk as if formula is the Anti-Christ. Breastmilk might be better, but formula is still a great way to feed your child. I don't think that the bonding process will profit from a mother who is in constant pain during the feeding process.
Ans then there are those mums who cannot breastfeed from the start who get the guilt trip. When my niece was born her mum (who had undergone a spinal surgery before falling pregnant - the pregnancy was a happy surprise) was placed on morphine after having a non-elective C-section. Guess what is NOT recommended for baby, especially via breast milk. Guess what the midwife tried to suggest two weeks later...
Load More Replies... Dad of two kids and a third on the way. Breast feeding is a tough tough job. I witnessed my wife breast feed for approx 9months for each of our kids. Kid 1 after 6months was dropping in his percentiles. So we introduced supplemental formula. And after approx 3 months he weened himself and just stuck with the formula. Kid 2 drank like a champ but when the teeth started popping out he became a crazy chommper. So he was done at that point too. The take home for me. Breast is best, but if there is any reason why it doesn't workout there is no shame in switching to formula None at all!!! This dad can go and f**k himself! He needs to go to a dad support group or something and have 20 other dad's s**t him out for not supporting his wife.
Omg, I read this the other day and I was so angry on the poor woman's behalf. Her husband is being extremely inconsiderate of his wife. A stressed and pained mother is not healthy and she would likely suffer PND. I feel like slapping the guy but I'm not into violence. Tbh though, there are a few red flags. Using manipulation, guilt tripping, gaslighting, showing lack of respect and no consideration for yourself. Doesn't sound good, does it.
Tell your husband to strip to his undies and sit on the bed with his eyes closed. When he is doing it, grab one of his nipples and pinch and twist it as hard as you can. When you let go, and he has stopped swearing, tell him "That's how it feels when I breastfeed. Now suck it up buttercup, it's time for the other nipple" There's probably a good chance he will stop his idiocy. Also ask him if he thinks the earth is flat and that vaccines are dangerous
I was adopted at birth so I was exclusively bottle fed. I'm in my late 40's now and turned out just fine. The husband is being absolutely ridiculous. He's just mad because he's not in control of making the decision. He sounds like a nightmare.
NTA Husband is a jerk. The time for arguing is while making the decision. I have no doubt this mother was aware of the benefits of breastfeeding, and weighed them against the physical and emotional cost. Breastfeeding isn't going to help her bond with the baby if she's in pain. Breast is best. She tried it, it didn't work for her, now fed is best. Stop with the guilt trips.
My wife was unable to breast feed due to a breast reduction she had years before (doctors promised her that she would be able to).
That was poor advice from the doctors. They can't promise that at all coz it's not always the case. I had reductions done and whilst they do try to keep all the milk ducts intact and undamaged things do happen. I couldn't breastfeed coz after my reductions I became more sensitive and it was excruciatingly painful.
Load More Replies... Yes both parents have an equal say in most matters but not when it is only physically impacting one of them. He (the dad) doesn’t get to decide what she does with her body, ever. A relaxed pain free mum will be better for the baby anyway. I breastfed my son for 11 months and I was lucky to find it okay. I’ve seen other mothers feel like failures when they just can’t breastfeed. We shouldn’t put Mums under this much pressure.
An unhappy and unhealthy (like, in pain all the time) mama makes for an unhappy and unhealthy baby. Not to mention how being in pain every time she feeds could cause her to have resentment, depression and other mental health issues. How good for her baby would that be? Good for her for making the best decision for their personal situation.
I was guilted by a couple friends for not breastfeeding, in my case though, I didn't produce enough milk. I would pump for hours (using a hand pump btw) only to get one single ounce, MAYBE two. My children are strong & healthy, I myself was formula fed for the same reason & I am a healthy 42 year old woman with no allergies & a strong immune system. "Breast is best" is unfair, also as many mentioned, it's NO ONES choice but the mothers, and I would LOVE to see him feed the child himself with the hormones he can take, maybe he'd change his mind....
When i nursed my first child i suffered from bleeding nipple fissures, mastitis, fever at 40 ° c, i ended up in the emergency room 2 times. My milk was too low and my son suffered from jaundice because he could not gain weight. for the first month i suffered every feed like salt on my wounds, i breastfed and when i was not breastfeeding i used the breast pump to stimulate the production and get some more milk for the baby .. it was a pain but i was VERY determined , after a month all the problems disappeared incredibly and I breastfeed my son up to 18 months. It wasn't an easy thing, it's not something you can deal with if you don't really want it and a mother can't be blamed for choosing formula milk, breastfeeding doesn't always go smoothly, being a mother isn't ONLY breastfeed and you can be very good mothers even without breastfeeding.
We fed our son formula. My wife tried to breastfeed but it wasn’t working for her. So she switched to formula. It also meant that we split the load and we both fed him, me generally doing the night feeds. It really wasn’t that big a deal for us. Our son got fed regardless.
One of best advice I received my all life. Before the baby comes, make sure you "torture" your nipples, because because baby will do and if they are sensitive, you will experience horrible pain. So I did and it worked always to all mothers I give same advice. Breastfeed or formula ? Whatever make you feel more comfortable. I can't go to a daycare, school, university, hospital or company and see which person was breastfeed and which not. Give love to your baby, lots of love. That's the important part.
Somehow a ton of kids in the 70's survived with formula. I don't know how we made it.
Breastfeeding has a lot of benefits for the baby but you know what else does? Good nutrition (which he can get from formula) and a happy mother (which he won't get by causing her physical pain every time he feeds). Millions of babies grow up healthily on formula exclusively, so it's not like you're putting him in some exceptional danger.
As someone who breastfed two kids while having blistered nipples the first weeks both times I can say: your tits, your decision.
to be clear: I kept breastfeeding, never used formula. But I can understand women who don't wan't to do that. And even if I didn't: It's not my place to judge others.
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There's no difference. Tell him to go f**k himself. Better yet, take him to the park and ask him to point out which kids are formula and which are breastfed, let's see where his 'facts' go then. If I were her, I'd have him keep his distance for a long long time. Imagine what he'll say to the child as he grows up with all his 'facts'? She even points out that he does resort to guilttripping a lot. That man's toxic and she know it. She needs to cut him down now for that behaviour.
If he's so hung up on breastfeeding, he can try and breastfeed his son himself. What, he can't? Then he better shut up. A lot of kids are being fed formula, and nothing terrible happened to them because of that.
I think I read somewhere that men can lactate using a special medication. Whether it's true or not, I dunno. Can't trust everything you read.
Load More Replies... As much as I wanted to, I could not breast feed due to the pain and cracks in skin. I tried though.
I read the article, and I'm confused. Here lots of woman have isdues with breastfeeding. Most can be helped with specialized midwifes that teach technique. Feeding a baby can be very difficult and out of experience, every baby is different and by proxy I know it can hurt a lot. But was pumping breastmilk the same as giving the breast? Or was that no option anyway?
I pumped milk while I breastfed my son... you need skin to skin stimulation to increase the lactation so with only pump the production gradually decrease... I used it in the first weeks to help production but is a difficult balance. I had the help of nurses and lactation expert ,if i had to do it all by myself i probably would have given up, it's not just the milk production, sometimes the way the baby puts the nipple in his mouth is wrong and this causes the fissures, or the position in which you hold him against the chest, they look like silly things but when you are alone they can be disheartenin..
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It's very easy to make decisions when your nipples are not hurting/bleeding
Breastfeeding is the more natural, good choice - but it should be easy for the mother. If it isn't, don't breastfeed. Nobody chooses formula, which is much more hassle, over breastfeeding just on a whim. BUT it takes roughly eight weeks until breastfeeding isn't stressful anymore. So, if you can stick it out for a bit more and after eight weeks it's still agony, don't go on - but, at ANY rate: it's the mother's call. Nobody, but NOBODY can have a say in this.
I have a few thoughts. I see his side totally, because he lacks the ability to understand that this becomes so emotional for many moms. I can’t fault him for that, but I can say this will pass and maybe have a medical professional or lactation specialist guide you guys. If you stopped you stopped and the guilt that comes with that as a mom can feel so crappy. This sounds like a medical reason to quit, not just a give up thing and you need support from someone dealing with that loss.
I think the husband needs to have a talk with the pediatrician. Bottle-fed babies do just as well as breastfed babies. There is an alternative to try a breast pump and then feed the baby breast milk. His lack of empathy for his wife is appalling. I don't know if I could resist the temptation to rip his nuts out with my bare teeth and then feed them to him.
If he does this shaming and guilt stuff more than just the breastfeeding...that is emotional abuse, plain and simple.
I wanted to breastfeed my baby more than anything. I would try and try and cry and cry because the pain was so bad. My breast were the size of watermelons and all attempts at pumping produced no milk. I was devastated. My child almost starved to death and got thrush. Once I started formula, my baby thrived.
Oh god. You’ve read the term in the news recently and now think you need to use it constantly...this ain’t gaslighting.
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HE is the asshole! If hes so concerned, then he KNOWS MEN CAN LACTATE TOO.
Nice of him to put his two cents in something he can't even do or experience. If you have no way of knowing what someone is experiencing then shut the hell up. So unless he plans of sprouting some lactating titties, he can go get f****d.
NTA. The husband isn't the one whose body going through pregnancy, labor and breastfeeding. If money is the issue, then combine pumping and formula.
Of course breastfeeding is the best thing for your baby, but you shouldn't be guilt tripped into doing it. I breast fed my DD33 for 6 months with no problem. My DS25 was an entirely different experience - for a month I tried, with cracked and bleeding nips!! (Sorry if tmi!) agony. I soon went on to bottle feeding. My children are both extremely healthy!
My daughter would not latch on, just screamed the whole time, so I pumped, for about a month, so that she got the breast milk. So it was like I was feeding her twice each time. Then I got mastitis and couldn't produce milk after that, went to formula. She is better than fine, has my very robust constitution, and if you're living with a man who thinks he can dictate what you do with your body, tell him to go to Texas.
It does hurt really bad to breast feed. However, you can keep on and pain does go away after a couple of weeks. Your nipples do get used to it. If after a couple of weeks then give up on breastfeeding. I breastfed my three children one for a year, then next 10 months, and last 9 months. Weaning hurts too.
A happy mom is all that matters for a baby, a toddler, a teen etc. etc. It is not the milk or the formula - it is happy mom = happy baby. Period! If a mother suffers while breast feeding, that looked-for "bond" will not be created anyway. The baby will feel it and will associate the breastfeeding with mom's discomfort. If the dad wants breastfeeding so much, maybe first try pumping the milk and making him feed the baby with it all the time? And if even the breastpump hurts, stick to your plan and give the baby as much love as you can while feeding him/her the formula. And if the husband still complains, through the whole husband out.
If I were her I would be feeling quite concerned. He doesn't TRUST that she will do what's best for their baby. She weighed up the options and made sure both her baby AND her baby's mum were taken care of. She is a great mum, so why does he not believe that she has done what is best? This isnt about breastfeeding, this is about trust.
I had the same experience with breastfeeding. It was painful and my baby didn't want to latch. It took 24 hours of crying (both me and baby) and a bloody expressing session before a nurse realized there was something wrong with my nipples. I had the milk, lots of it, but it wasn't going to come out unless I stuck a spigot into my breast. I could not breastfeed. Both my kids are teens now. We have an excellent bond that consists of mutual trust and respect. I called BS to the you can't bond without breastfeeding myth, ages ago.
There is nothing wrong with formula and research has found that the benefit of breast milk really happens within the first few weeks/months. If she started off breast feeding then the kid already has the benefits of breast milk anyway because the baby already has the antibodies which are the big benefit of breast milk. Formula has saved millions of lives and besides for that initial benefit of less infections due to antibodies, research has shown that for IQ, asthma, allergies, or whatever, there is no difference in development from a baby given breast milk vs a baby given formula once you account for income and education. I plan to breast feed for a few weeks or a few months depending, then switch to a formula after. The dude did some bad research. No one should be shamed for using formula, there is a reason why it was developed.
Breastfeeding has advantages over formula - it's natural, mothers body adjusts to baby' s needs and the milk actually changes when necessary, a baby gets antibodies etc with natural breast milk... But not all can breastfeed easily, some can't at all, so this father acutally sort of bullies his wife.
If breastfeeding continues to hurt after one or two weeks as a first time mother La Leche League is a very good address to seek help. It seems to me that the mom didn't get much help here to find the proper latch, which is really unfortunate. Although the benefits of breastmilk overweigh formula by a lot, a fed baby is still waaay better than a starved, dead one. 🤷♀️
Guys, when it's your tits you can have a say, otherwise, hands off and mouth shut. - This statement works for too many situations!
I was very fortunate to be able to breastfeed my daughter until she weaned herself just before her first birthday. I have more than enough milk to feed her and if I had been able to at the time I would have been very happy to donate. I was very fortunate that I also never had any complication breastfeeding such as blocked milk ducts, problems with my baby latching on, cracked nipples etc. I took about 3 or 4 weeks to get everything in the right balance and I was very happy breastfeeding. I loved the skin on skin contact, I fed on demand and I was lucky because I was SAH mom and I didn't have to worry about going back to work. You do whatever works for you and your baby, there is no point in trying to breastfeed if it's a negative experience for you and your baby. When he has breasts and a womb, is able to get pregnant and give birth, and able to lactate and breastfeed his baby, he can make those decisions.
1) he doesn’t get equal say about breast feeding period. 2) anyone who says “I’m sorry you’re mad” isn’t sorry. That’s not an apology.
So what part of the child does the father get any say in, exactly?
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Not his body, not his decision. FFS, I get so tired of approximately half our species not getting this point.
So is he allowed any opinions about his child and/or marriage or no...?
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My old professor used to say 6 weeks breastfeeding is sufficient to pass on to the baby what it needs. When animals are concerned, we call that first milk containing important stuff "beast milk" or "colostrum". After 6 weeks you should stop. Why? Mother's milk does not only contain "good stuff", but also passes on to the baby everything she eats, drinks, inhales and consumes. Let's say dad's a smoker. Mother and baby smoke passively if he smokes in their presence. The baby then gets an extra dose of nicotine with the mother's milk. That also applies to outside smog the mother inhales etc.
Adam, can you take this one for me? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_80bWlLJvg
Last week the guy was a jerk for questioning breastfeeding. This week he’s a jerk for letting it be known he’d prefer it happen. I make no judgements because I have no skin in the game—but never change, bp. Never change. 🤣🤣
Aside from initial colustrum, formula v breastfeeding is a non-issue. I was adopted and so fed formula. 51 years later, I'm a healthy adult with a very close bond to my adoptive parents. Women get enough s**t in their lives without beating themselves up over something as trivial as breastfeeding!
Load More Replies... She should make a deal with the hubby. She will agree to resume the painful breast feeding, as long as he keeps a clothespin or alligator clamp on one his own nipples for the duration of each feeding.
That would probably still be less painful than what she is experiencing.
Load More Replies... If you can breastfeed without pain and with enough milk, great, go ahead. If not, use formula and don't torture yourself. A baby should be fed in peace and you can't do that if your nipples feel like they get shredded. When I was born over 40 years ago and the generation of my parents, almost no one was breastfeeding their babies because doctors recommended formula. And guess what, most people my age and up also don't have allergies and do get along with their mothers. But yes, breastfeeding is better, but definitely not a huge advantage over formula (even if everything works just fine). It is also really hard to say if it is just the breastfeeding or if there are other factors involved. (People who breastfeed their babies tend to have more time, a better education and a higher income and probably also live in a less polluted area than poorer people, who often have to get back to work asap after giving birth.)
I switched to bottle for my baby's health (all foremilk no hindmilk). He flourished. Yes it's the husband's child too, but it's also hers, and her boobs as well. If he was concerned he could have perhaps looked into breast milk banks or something idk, if she was ok with that. Nursing is hard, exhausting, and adding to that her pain I would have done the same thing
NTA. I am pro-breastfeeding but ultimately your physical and mental health are important. I know how hard and painful breastfeeding can be. Its physically and emotionally exhuasting even when its going well. When it's not its really really hard and the ONLY person who gets to make choices for your body is YOU. Your husband's comments "I am sorry you got mad..." is gaslighting and and his comments about being dissapointed is manipulative. Heed the warnings. Take care of yourself and feed your baby however you damn please.
Exactly. NTA. Though I'm guessing she had a sh!t Lactation Consultant, and baby probably had a tongue tie issue. Usually leads to a need for speech therapy later, and is an easy fix as an infant.
Load More Replies... Babies have died because they weren't able to get enough breastmilk from moms and the mothers were being brow beaten to avoid giving the babies bottles or formula out of fear of confusing the baby. Screw the husband, you are doing what is best for your son. I was unable to breast feed my son because he would not take to it. It was only later that we found out he was autistic and probably did not like the skin to skin contact at the time. That didn't stop nurses and nutritionists from trying to "keep me informed" as to the benefits of breastmilk. When one nurse was getting on my last nerve about it, I handed her my son and said "explain it to him. I can't force him to do something he doesn't want to do." She finally shut up.
I started off breastfeeding and managed about two weeks. I was exhausted and in agony, I literally cried everytime I fed baby because of the pain. Baby wasn't sleeping much and was losing weight, I spoke to my midwife who said it's OK to stop and use formula. Baby started sleeping much better and was thriving. She's now an adult with zero health problems. Fed is best.
Some people today talk as if formula is the Anti-Christ. Breastmilk might be better, but formula is still a great way to feed your child. I don't think that the bonding process will profit from a mother who is in constant pain during the feeding process.
Ans then there are those mums who cannot breastfeed from the start who get the guilt trip. When my niece was born her mum (who had undergone a spinal surgery before falling pregnant - the pregnancy was a happy surprise) was placed on morphine after having a non-elective C-section. Guess what is NOT recommended for baby, especially via breast milk. Guess what the midwife tried to suggest two weeks later...
Load More Replies... Dad of two kids and a third on the way. Breast feeding is a tough tough job. I witnessed my wife breast feed for approx 9months for each of our kids. Kid 1 after 6months was dropping in his percentiles. So we introduced supplemental formula. And after approx 3 months he weened himself and just stuck with the formula. Kid 2 drank like a champ but when the teeth started popping out he became a crazy chommper. So he was done at that point too. The take home for me. Breast is best, but if there is any reason why it doesn't workout there is no shame in switching to formula None at all!!! This dad can go and f**k himself! He needs to go to a dad support group or something and have 20 other dad's s**t him out for not supporting his wife.
Omg, I read this the other day and I was so angry on the poor woman's behalf. Her husband is being extremely inconsiderate of his wife. A stressed and pained mother is not healthy and she would likely suffer PND. I feel like slapping the guy but I'm not into violence. Tbh though, there are a few red flags. Using manipulation, guilt tripping, gaslighting, showing lack of respect and no consideration for yourself. Doesn't sound good, does it.
Tell your husband to strip to his undies and sit on the bed with his eyes closed. When he is doing it, grab one of his nipples and pinch and twist it as hard as you can. When you let go, and he has stopped swearing, tell him "That's how it feels when I breastfeed. Now suck it up buttercup, it's time for the other nipple" There's probably a good chance he will stop his idiocy. Also ask him if he thinks the earth is flat and that vaccines are dangerous
I was adopted at birth so I was exclusively bottle fed. I'm in my late 40's now and turned out just fine. The husband is being absolutely ridiculous. He's just mad because he's not in control of making the decision. He sounds like a nightmare.
NTA Husband is a jerk. The time for arguing is while making the decision. I have no doubt this mother was aware of the benefits of breastfeeding, and weighed them against the physical and emotional cost. Breastfeeding isn't going to help her bond with the baby if she's in pain. Breast is best. She tried it, it didn't work for her, now fed is best. Stop with the guilt trips.
My wife was unable to breast feed due to a breast reduction she had years before (doctors promised her that she would be able to).
That was poor advice from the doctors. They can't promise that at all coz it's not always the case. I had reductions done and whilst they do try to keep all the milk ducts intact and undamaged things do happen. I couldn't breastfeed coz after my reductions I became more sensitive and it was excruciatingly painful.
Load More Replies... Yes both parents have an equal say in most matters but not when it is only physically impacting one of them. He (the dad) doesn’t get to decide what she does with her body, ever. A relaxed pain free mum will be better for the baby anyway. I breastfed my son for 11 months and I was lucky to find it okay. I’ve seen other mothers feel like failures when they just can’t breastfeed. We shouldn’t put Mums under this much pressure.
An unhappy and unhealthy (like, in pain all the time) mama makes for an unhappy and unhealthy baby. Not to mention how being in pain every time she feeds could cause her to have resentment, depression and other mental health issues. How good for her baby would that be? Good for her for making the best decision for their personal situation.
I was guilted by a couple friends for not breastfeeding, in my case though, I didn't produce enough milk. I would pump for hours (using a hand pump btw) only to get one single ounce, MAYBE two. My children are strong & healthy, I myself was formula fed for the same reason & I am a healthy 42 year old woman with no allergies & a strong immune system. "Breast is best" is unfair, also as many mentioned, it's NO ONES choice but the mothers, and I would LOVE to see him feed the child himself with the hormones he can take, maybe he'd change his mind....
When i nursed my first child i suffered from bleeding nipple fissures, mastitis, fever at 40 ° c, i ended up in the emergency room 2 times. My milk was too low and my son suffered from jaundice because he could not gain weight. for the first month i suffered every feed like salt on my wounds, i breastfed and when i was not breastfeeding i used the breast pump to stimulate the production and get some more milk for the baby .. it was a pain but i was VERY determined , after a month all the problems disappeared incredibly and I breastfeed my son up to 18 months. It wasn't an easy thing, it's not something you can deal with if you don't really want it and a mother can't be blamed for choosing formula milk, breastfeeding doesn't always go smoothly, being a mother isn't ONLY breastfeed and you can be very good mothers even without breastfeeding.
We fed our son formula. My wife tried to breastfeed but it wasn’t working for her. So she switched to formula. It also meant that we split the load and we both fed him, me generally doing the night feeds. It really wasn’t that big a deal for us. Our son got fed regardless.
One of best advice I received my all life. Before the baby comes, make sure you "torture" your nipples, because because baby will do and if they are sensitive, you will experience horrible pain. So I did and it worked always to all mothers I give same advice. Breastfeed or formula ? Whatever make you feel more comfortable. I can't go to a daycare, school, university, hospital or company and see which person was breastfeed and which not. Give love to your baby, lots of love. That's the important part.
Somehow a ton of kids in the 70's survived with formula. I don't know how we made it.
Breastfeeding has a lot of benefits for the baby but you know what else does? Good nutrition (which he can get from formula) and a happy mother (which he won't get by causing her physical pain every time he feeds). Millions of babies grow up healthily on formula exclusively, so it's not like you're putting him in some exceptional danger.
As someone who breastfed two kids while having blistered nipples the first weeks both times I can say: your tits, your decision.
to be clear: I kept breastfeeding, never used formula. But I can understand women who don't wan't to do that. And even if I didn't: It's not my place to judge others.
Load More Replies... There's no difference. Tell him to go f**k himself. Better yet, take him to the park and ask him to point out which kids are formula and which are breastfed, let's see where his 'facts' go then. If I were her, I'd have him keep his distance for a long long time. Imagine what he'll say to the child as he grows up with all his 'facts'? She even points out that he does resort to guilttripping a lot. That man's toxic and she know it. She needs to cut him down now for that behaviour.
If he's so hung up on breastfeeding, he can try and breastfeed his son himself. What, he can't? Then he better shut up. A lot of kids are being fed formula, and nothing terrible happened to them because of that.
I think I read somewhere that men can lactate using a special medication. Whether it's true or not, I dunno. Can't trust everything you read.
Load More Replies... As much as I wanted to, I could not breast feed due to the pain and cracks in skin. I tried though.
I read the article, and I'm confused. Here lots of woman have isdues with breastfeeding. Most can be helped with specialized midwifes that teach technique. Feeding a baby can be very difficult and out of experience, every baby is different and by proxy I know it can hurt a lot. But was pumping breastmilk the same as giving the breast? Or was that no option anyway?
I pumped milk while I breastfed my son... you need skin to skin stimulation to increase the lactation so with only pump the production gradually decrease... I used it in the first weeks to help production but is a difficult balance. I had the help of nurses and lactation expert ,if i had to do it all by myself i probably would have given up, it's not just the milk production, sometimes the way the baby puts the nipple in his mouth is wrong and this causes the fissures, or the position in which you hold him against the chest, they look like silly things but when you are alone they can be disheartenin..
Load More Replies... It's very easy to make decisions when your nipples are not hurting/bleeding
Breastfeeding is the more natural, good choice - but it should be easy for the mother. If it isn't, don't breastfeed. Nobody chooses formula, which is much more hassle, over breastfeeding just on a whim. BUT it takes roughly eight weeks until breastfeeding isn't stressful anymore. So, if you can stick it out for a bit more and after eight weeks it's still agony, don't go on - but, at ANY rate: it's the mother's call. Nobody, but NOBODY can have a say in this.
I have a few thoughts. I see his side totally, because he lacks the ability to understand that this becomes so emotional for many moms. I can’t fault him for that, but I can say this will pass and maybe have a medical professional or lactation specialist guide you guys. If you stopped you stopped and the guilt that comes with that as a mom can feel so crappy. This sounds like a medical reason to quit, not just a give up thing and you need support from someone dealing with that loss.
I think the husband needs to have a talk with the pediatrician. Bottle-fed babies do just as well as breastfed babies. There is an alternative to try a breast pump and then feed the baby breast milk. His lack of empathy for his wife is appalling. I don't know if I could resist the temptation to rip his nuts out with my bare teeth and then feed them to him.
If he does this shaming and guilt stuff more than just the breastfeeding...that is emotional abuse, plain and simple.
I wanted to breastfeed my baby more than anything. I would try and try and cry and cry because the pain was so bad. My breast were the size of watermelons and all attempts at pumping produced no milk. I was devastated. My child almost starved to death and got thrush. Once I started formula, my baby thrived.
Oh god. You’ve read the term in the news recently and now think you need to use it constantly...this ain’t gaslighting.
Load More Replies... HE is the asshole! If hes so concerned, then he KNOWS MEN CAN LACTATE TOO.
Nice of him to put his two cents in something he can't even do or experience. If you have no way of knowing what someone is experiencing then shut the hell up. So unless he plans of sprouting some lactating titties, he can go get f****d.
NTA. The husband isn't the one whose body going through pregnancy, labor and breastfeeding. If money is the issue, then combine pumping and formula.
Of course breastfeeding is the best thing for your baby, but you shouldn't be guilt tripped into doing it. I breast fed my DD33 for 6 months with no problem. My DS25 was an entirely different experience - for a month I tried, with cracked and bleeding nips!! (Sorry if tmi!) agony. I soon went on to bottle feeding. My children are both extremely healthy!
My daughter would not latch on, just screamed the whole time, so I pumped, for about a month, so that she got the breast milk. So it was like I was feeding her twice each time. Then I got mastitis and couldn't produce milk after that, went to formula. She is better than fine, has my very robust constitution, and if you're living with a man who thinks he can dictate what you do with your body, tell him to go to Texas.
It does hurt really bad to breast feed. However, you can keep on and pain does go away after a couple of weeks. Your nipples do get used to it. If after a couple of weeks then give up on breastfeeding. I breastfed my three children one for a year, then next 10 months, and last 9 months. Weaning hurts too.
A happy mom is all that matters for a baby, a toddler, a teen etc. etc. It is not the milk or the formula - it is happy mom = happy baby. Period! If a mother suffers while breast feeding, that looked-for "bond" will not be created anyway. The baby will feel it and will associate the breastfeeding with mom's discomfort. If the dad wants breastfeeding so much, maybe first try pumping the milk and making him feed the baby with it all the time? And if even the breastpump hurts, stick to your plan and give the baby as much love as you can while feeding him/her the formula. And if the husband still complains, through the whole husband out.
If I were her I would be feeling quite concerned. He doesn't TRUST that she will do what's best for their baby. She weighed up the options and made sure both her baby AND her baby's mum were taken care of. She is a great mum, so why does he not believe that she has done what is best? This isnt about breastfeeding, this is about trust.
I had the same experience with breastfeeding. It was painful and my baby didn't want to latch. It took 24 hours of crying (both me and baby) and a bloody expressing session before a nurse realized there was something wrong with my nipples. I had the milk, lots of it, but it wasn't going to come out unless I stuck a spigot into my breast. I could not breastfeed. Both my kids are teens now. We have an excellent bond that consists of mutual trust and respect. I called BS to the you can't bond without breastfeeding myth, ages ago.
There is nothing wrong with formula and research has found that the benefit of breast milk really happens within the first few weeks/months. If she started off breast feeding then the kid already has the benefits of breast milk anyway because the baby already has the antibodies which are the big benefit of breast milk. Formula has saved millions of lives and besides for that initial benefit of less infections due to antibodies, research has shown that for IQ, asthma, allergies, or whatever, there is no difference in development from a baby given breast milk vs a baby given formula once you account for income and education. I plan to breast feed for a few weeks or a few months depending, then switch to a formula after. The dude did some bad research. No one should be shamed for using formula, there is a reason why it was developed.
Breastfeeding has advantages over formula - it's natural, mothers body adjusts to baby' s needs and the milk actually changes when necessary, a baby gets antibodies etc with natural breast milk... But not all can breastfeed easily, some can't at all, so this father acutally sort of bullies his wife.
If breastfeeding continues to hurt after one or two weeks as a first time mother La Leche League is a very good address to seek help. It seems to me that the mom didn't get much help here to find the proper latch, which is really unfortunate. Although the benefits of breastmilk overweigh formula by a lot, a fed baby is still waaay better than a starved, dead one. 🤷♀️
Guys, when it's your tits you can have a say, otherwise, hands off and mouth shut. - This statement works for too many situations!
I was very fortunate to be able to breastfeed my daughter until she weaned herself just before her first birthday. I have more than enough milk to feed her and if I had been able to at the time I would have been very happy to donate. I was very fortunate that I also never had any complication breastfeeding such as blocked milk ducts, problems with my baby latching on, cracked nipples etc. I took about 3 or 4 weeks to get everything in the right balance and I was very happy breastfeeding. I loved the skin on skin contact, I fed on demand and I was lucky because I was SAH mom and I didn't have to worry about going back to work. You do whatever works for you and your baby, there is no point in trying to breastfeed if it's a negative experience for you and your baby. When he has breasts and a womb, is able to get pregnant and give birth, and able to lactate and breastfeed his baby, he can make those decisions.
1) he doesn’t get equal say about breast feeding period. 2) anyone who says “I’m sorry you’re mad” isn’t sorry. That’s not an apology.
So what part of the child does the father get any say in, exactly?
Load More Replies... Not his body, not his decision. FFS, I get so tired of approximately half our species not getting this point.
So is he allowed any opinions about his child and/or marriage or no...?
Load More Replies... My old professor used to say 6 weeks breastfeeding is sufficient to pass on to the baby what it needs. When animals are concerned, we call that first milk containing important stuff "beast milk" or "colostrum". After 6 weeks you should stop. Why? Mother's milk does not only contain "good stuff", but also passes on to the baby everything she eats, drinks, inhales and consumes. Let's say dad's a smoker. Mother and baby smoke passively if he smokes in their presence. The baby then gets an extra dose of nicotine with the mother's milk. That also applies to outside smog the mother inhales etc.
Adam, can you take this one for me? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_80bWlLJvg
Last week the guy was a jerk for questioning breastfeeding. This week he’s a jerk for letting it be known he’d prefer it happen. I make no judgements because I have no skin in the game—but never change, bp. Never change. 🤣🤣
Aside from initial colustrum, formula v breastfeeding is a non-issue. I was adopted and so fed formula. 51 years later, I'm a healthy adult with a very close bond to my adoptive parents. Women get enough s**t in their lives without beating themselves up over something as trivial as breastfeeding!
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