Woman Tells Her Fiancé She Wants To Be A Stay-At-Home Wife, And They Get Into A Heated Argument
Even if you’ve been seeing someone for a long time, it can be tricky to know if you’re ready to spend the rest of your lives together. After all, nobody is 100 percent sure about the future. You just gather as much information as you can and trust your gut.
A week ago, one man created a Reddit account to ask other users for help in navigating a tough spot. He had known his partner for years and one of the reasons why he admired the woman so much was her ambition. However, after they got engaged, she said something that completely changed the way he looked at her.
The woman confessed she wanted to quit her job and be a stay-at-home-wife. This led to a heated argument, calling each other names and even rethinking the entire relationship. Asking people whether or not he was in the wrong, here’s what the man wrote.
Image credits: Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: lazy-fiancee
Lisa Burton, aka The Bridal Consultant, who plans affordable and memorable weddings abroad in Greece and Italy, acknowledged that sometimes couples fall apart during what should be the preparation for the rest of their lives.
“I sadly have at least 2 weddings cancelled each year for varying reasons and often it’s due to the bride or groom having changed their mind about getting married,” Burton told Bored Panda.
“I met with a couple once to discuss their plans and I could tell from the groom’s body language that he had no interest in their wedding. He was very distant the whole time. So I wasn’t completely surprised when the bride called me a few months later to tell me the wedding was off due to the groom having an ongoing affair for the last 2 years.”
Burton recalled another couple who had a huge fall out on their actual wedding day, causing the groom to leave and the bride had her last dance with one of the waiters.
Unfortunately, the wedding planner has not yet had a couple cancel a wedding and then rebook it. “This is not to say this doesn’t happen but maybe they’re too embarrassed to rebook their wedding with me,” she said.
“A couple really need to have thorough practical and honest, conversations before they decide to marry, discussing details such as, how many children they’d like and who will raise the children, but also, lifestyle, financial and career goals need to be discussed,” Burton said.
Having been married for nearly 18 years and together almost 25, Lisa’s own experiences have taught her these are conversations you naturally have from early in your relationship. “The excitement of finding the one leads you to dream of your future together, so if these conversations are not had, then you need to consider if you’re with the right partner.”
“Some dream of getting married from an early age and when they’re proposed to, the excitement of the fairytale coming true often takes over any practical reality of discussing a future together,” Burton explained. “It’s actually very much the same, but now you’re legally committed to each other.”
After the story went viral, the OP provided more insight into the situation
Other experts agree that there is no magic time frame, no special sweet spot for people to get engaged. “There are some couples who know on the first date that they’ve found the one and get engaged quickly, while others take the time to get to know someone well before putting a ring on it,” online dating expert and digital matchmaker Julie Spira told BRIDES.
Just like Lisa Burton, Spira is of the opinion, that a couple should go through all seasons together at the very least so that they surpass the honeymoon period before determining whether or not to stay together for life. “Everyone puts their best foot forward during the courting stage, which is typically the first three months of the relationship. When [everything] is brand new, you haven’t gone through the bumps on the road together, traveled on vacation together, or gone through a traumatic event such as the death of a family member or loss of a job.”
One study published by researchers at Emory University in Atlanta also supports this line of thought. It found that couples who’d been together at least three years before they got engaged were 39 percent less likely to get divorced than couples who got engaged within the first year of dating.
But as we can see, nothing is guaranteed even then.
People thought his reaction was appropriate
Something's not adding up. The woman went from being career driven to the complete opposite? And she's clamming up about reasons why? Maybe it's a mental health thing? Maybe something bad happened at work? Regardless, communication is key here, not name calling.
It would be a huge shock and without any prior warning I can see why he had the reaction he did. Also, she is not communicating why, just saying she doesn't think the 9-5 life isn't for her but almost everyone feels that way, depression rates are super high for a reason. I hate working 9-5 and deal with mental health, but he can only respond to what she is providing him with. I would be beyond livid to have my husband drop that bomb on me. I would assume that she never had any other ambition but to be a house wife that entire time and honestly I would feel lied to. She could have a better reason but it mostly seems like she is selfish and she hasn't given him a reason to feel otherwise. My husband will stay at home when we have kids because I make around 3 times more than him but we have talked about that for years. It isn't something you just blind side someone with. His reaction to be angry is justifiable and her being manipulative is not okay. Completely on her.
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I would say run. This seems like a big thing to spring on someone after three years. And the fact that she has no plans for the time, but seems to want to be a kept woman is a red flag. I can understand not wanting to work 9-5, but there are plenty of jobs though that are not 9-5 ( mine for example and I love it) that allow greater flexibility while still contributing to the household.
You want his money, he said no. After 3 years of dating???? You're right Samantha, he should run like a rabbit.
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Is it possible to hear what she has to say? I am always cautiously interested in making sure the story as presented represents all the facts.
This is from Reddit, so is very very rare to see both sides, si you have to stick to the facts posters provide. But yeah, it would be super interesting to view the wife's side.
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There's absolutely nothing wrong with being a stay-at-home spouse with no kids! Who doesn't want to have no worries except where to gave lunch Unless! Unless your spouse doest want to pay your way, of course.
It's not about the money. You don't get from perusing a better job to not wanting to work without a serious mental process that she didn't feel the need to share - it's a huge red flag if you don't understand the need to communicate this while it's happening and not only after you made up your mind about something that: 1. Shows a big change in your mental state 2. Change your life (lifestyle level of both of them)
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NTA. I had a friend who didn't know his wife had this plan until AFTER they got married. A couple weeks into the new marriage, she announced that she was quitting work to go back to school. She quit. And did nothing. Doesn't go to school, doesn't work, doesn't even keep the house up. After a couple years of fighting (she accused him of not working hard enough because he wouldn't buy her a bigger house), he divorced her, and after hearing the story, the judge awarded her absolutely nothing in the divorce. YAY.
It's weird that this was never discussed before they got engaged. My husband and I knew all this about each other long before we got engaged. We discussed things like parenting, not working, lifestyle, study, unemployment, contributing to the relationship, expectations etc etc.
Well, whatever you decide, a decision needs to be made. If you are not ok with her ideas, then split before it gets ugly.
And split before she marries you and quits her job without consulting you.
Load More Replies... I’d love to not have to work too but it just isn’t realistic. Her delusions about not needing money are more worrisome than her natural desire to not be a wage slave. If she doesn’t want to work work, then she needs to save up money and start investing so she can justify it.
If you go way back, in the "hunter and gatherer" days, women were out getting food (and would take kids with them). If you go to the agricultural days, women worked on the farm from childhood until they were seniors (and their kids worked with them). In the Industrial age, women from working class households worked part-time or full-time in factories, or they did work for wealthy families, or they did work from home (sewing etc.) During WWII, women took on all jobs. It wasn't until the 50's that the concept of a "stay at home wife" began to exist (for the non-rich)... and the prosperity of the 50s didn't last. It isn't normal for an adult to "not work". Sure they don't need to have a full-time grueling job, but to say "I don't want to work at all" is lazy. And even maintaining a house for a "stay at home wife" is easy compared to the past, considering the modern conveniences (dishwasher, washer/dryer, vacuum cleaner etc.)
My wife just recently went back to work after 11 years at home. Laundry is always done. Dinner is always cooked. House is always clean. I'm pretty sure she works harder than me.
If I earned enough for my partner to do this, I would totally support them staying home! God, imagine not having to worry about groceries or keeping track of when the cat needs it's checkup,or all the annoying grownup stuff that ears into your time off.
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Nah. If this was a stay at home mom thing, I'd be all for it, but it sounds like she just wants to stop working now that she's landed a guy who makes enough money. Might want to reconsider that proposal, bro
Some men are happy for their wife to stay home, which is fair enough if you can afford it and it's what you both want but the fact that she's using words like "manipulative" when he said he wouldn't like that is ringing alarm bells. If circumstance allowed I'd love to be a stay at home mum but that's so I can be with my kids not be a lady of leisure. Would be interested to hear the fiancé's side of the story.
Aw hayel naw... It sounds like this chick is wanting a free ride, at least until some other guy comes along that has more moolah. How much you wanna bet that when their lifestyle cuts back, it starts to creep back to where it was. Dude can nip this in the bud real quick...Just tell her what her allowance is going to be per week. Hard stop...If he is the sole breadwinner, then its his money, his rules. His name on the account, on the mortgage, everything.She would be there at his discretion........Now, all that said, if dude is making insane bank, her income wouldnt be missed and he is fine with that arrangement, more power to 'em. But its made clear that he isnt into that. This dude needs to run like the water through a first time tourist in Mexico. Find someone who wants a partnership in life and not a sugar-daddy.
I had a woman suggest that to me once. Red flag and turn off for me, but not everyone. Too bad it took so long to come out but also better now than after you were married.
My best guess is she burnt out. Staying at home with no plans for the future may sound appealing when your job absolutely exhausted you but after a few months of being financially dependent and staying at home without any development, you realize it's not as good as it seemed. Taking a break from your job while you are looking for a new workplace oк changing your career path is fine, but just being stuck at home with chores for an indefinite amount of time doesn't sound very dreamy.
I, too, wondered if she needed a vacation. Otherwise, she needs to find someone who wants a housewife. If she does and then changes her mind, she'll have to find someone else again.
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Red flags everywhere! Her “dream” is to be lazy, you called her out for it and you’re absolutely right especially if she doesn’t have any real plans aside from just not working. If she wanted to start a business or do a hobby to make money sure, but no she straight up just doesn’t want to work. That’s all our dreams, a fantasy really, but it’s not realistic to anyone these days unless you’re in the 1%
I don't understand that why a stay at home spouse is called or considered a free loader. My mom was is a stay at home person but she took care of the household. If anyone feels that a stay at home spouse is lazy, then just imagine this lazy person takes care of all the work, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing the clothes, ensuring the house expenses r well under control, everyone in the house is eating healthy, is healthy, all the groceries r full n available. The management of house is equally hard as is doing a job. May be the above couple is not compatible. But please donot underestimate one spouse just because he/she is not getting money on table. If one spouse takes up the whole responsiblity of the house n other is the earning member, then it is still a balance. It should be the choice of both the people in the relationship as to who and how they want the balance.
Maintaining a child free home is in no way comparable to working a full time job. It's absurd to even try to make this claim. Once kids enter the picture that's a whole other story.
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omg please run!!!! I watch this all the time with my brother in law and his wife. She is just happily content spending his money that he works SEVEN days a week to support their life. Her justification is she's a SAHM.... umm your kids are teenagers, there's absolutely NO reason to be a stay at home mom at this point in this economy. ESPECIALLY when you can work from home. But she has no problem bouncing and going camping (glamping) and all that. She's sickening. I would NEVER do that to my future husband, it's a partnership. Also if you're a SAHM please don't be offended, if it works for you all great, but this is a different situation.
I'm not saying either one of you are in the wrong, but has it ever crossed your mind that she might be suffering from anxiety. Discuss options with her. Maybe she can cut down to part time. Is her work such that she might be able to do it from home? There may be something medically or mentally that is going on for the reason she feels this way. You call it laziness...but it could be something else. My work has been flexible with me because I have diabetes and I'm in constant pain. Maybe she just needs options.
If she has a medical issue or is burned out or something, then she needs to say that, and not just that its her "dream" to be a dependent.
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Guess I'm too European to get this. If your partner, regardless of their gender, wishes to stay at home because it makes them happy and you can easily afford it, why not? Some people are just not cut out for the rat race. I'm sure that after a few months, staying at home becomes boring and they'll want to get a part time job again or a job without a lot of pressure and stress or even start their own business. Not taking your partner serious makes you the asshat.
Well he said they could not afford their current lifestyle on one salary and he is not comfortable with the pressure of being the only bread winner, which I think is also fair. These kinds of largescale financial/ life decisions really should be discussed and not presented as a unilateral "dream" the other must support.
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i'd say lazy. with kids? no problem if she want to stay at home. my wife did that for a while and loved it. but wait until you married to do that? that sound like someone who take advantage of the situation. and i'm not talking about someone who's thinking about a year off before reconsidering a carreer change, or back to school.
Well, sometimes people find out that they cannot compromise at just the appropriate time. Kudos. A lot of couples pay quite a bit of money to find this out before marriage.
it seems she suffers from a burn out. if she was ambitious and going for a higher position before and it didnt work out, possibly with some unfair treatment at work it seems as a reasonable explanation. i heard stories about burnt out managers who suddenly left the city bought a farm and started growing crops and raising cattle. maybe she is going through something similar but you need to be at the same page. do not marry her till you sort this out
RUN, Run fast and hard! She is a narcissist and you do NOT want that. Do NOT marry her. Toss her as fast as you can.
Well, at least it's good that this came out BEFORE the wedding. It seems that the two of the are not as compatible as they believed. I get not wanting to be part of the 9-5 crowd, but checking out of working altogether is not something I'd be okay with, especially if it meant cutting back financially. The guy needs to figure out whether this is something he could live with longterm, since all financial burden would be on him. And the woman absolutely needs to figure out what she want to do with the rest of her life, because sitting on a couch 24/7 is not an option...
I agree with her only as much as i reckon she don't want to be part of the rat race (neither am I btw ;) ). We are not born to work all our lives, life is to be enjoyed, not worked until you are too old to enjoy it
While it does sound problematic that she wants to now be a stay-at-home wife (and could very well be a red flag), I'm not sure this is really that crazy of a thing. I suppose if her dream were to be a traditional stay-at-home wife, who would cook, do laundry and keep the house clean, etc...That's not entirely crazy (although obviously, they should be on the same page about that). She could look into remote work.
My mom was a housewife when my sister was born. However, she was also going to school full time and she was pregnant so this wanting to just be a stay at home wife doesn't make sense. And like some other people have said, it seems odd that one minute she's career driven and the next wants to leave her job without giving a good reason why.
Well. I don't blame her. She's only 33 and might be hoping ofr kids. Maybe she is so totally sick of being in an underpaid, unrewarding job,Surely trhey should have talked about this well before 'engagement, By the way stay at home wives are NOT lazy or spongers. we do the cooking, the laundry, housework, shopping. We cook fine dinners for the bloke's boss so he gets a promotion.In fact My husbans didn'; want ne to work. -- and once he kids were out of infants school I went to work. The lazy &&&&&&&&&& refused to help with any household chores. and still took charge of the after work and weekend activities
I totally understand that. I would like to be a stay at home wife. And so would my husband. But neither of us is prepared to do it at the other's expense.
I actually agree with the male (I'm female). I've never heard of a stay at home wife. I myself was a stay at home mom. I worked until we started cranking kids out then I became a stay at home wife, mother, lover, cook, driver, maid, etc........ I'm still doing it even after my youngest just had her first baby. My husband tells me I have no reason to work I do t have to if I didn't won't to.
You know everyone is giving this woman crap, but tell me, how will the house work get split, because I know damn good and well that I do not want to be stuck doing house work, cooking, and cleaning after being at work for 8 hours. If he isn't going to help with things around the house then why not let her be a stay at home wife. Running the house is just as much work, then add kids into the mix and you definitely got yourself more than a full time job!
Something similar happened to me, where I was the one who stopped working, but we weren't married or planning on getting married. We had been together for 5 years, though. I was working and going to school when I had to have major surgery and I developed complications. I had to quit my job and quit school, and even though I tried to work a part-time job, chronic health issues got me fired. My boyfriend was making plenty of money and I was getting a little from unemployment, but he was shouldering most of the financial burden. He never discussed it with me. Just out of the blue he gave me the "it's not you, it's me" speech, but the other way around - "it's all you." A year later he got married to someone else. I just hope she never gets sick. I'm on disability now but because of the whole "lazy" assumption about people who don't work, I try to avoid talking about careers with people who don't know me, which is no minor feat.
Oh boy. I understand stay at home mom, but stay at home wife would be a question of why? I don’t think this soon to be marriage should go forward until both parties attend counseling together and see if this is the deal breaker because I have a strong feeling it is here. I wish you both luck.
I would have loved to have been a stay at home wife, but we wanted a large family so it wasn't an option. I was able to work part time when the kids were small, but it's a partnership. There was a time my husband was out of work and my job saved the roof over all our heads. It takes two loving hard working people to make a happy marriage. Respect for one another includes both contributing financially to the marriage. My mother said to me on my wedding day, "never count on a man to provide for you. True happiness is knowing you have the ability to provide for yourself." We both work full time, and have been happily married for 42 years. Work it out now before a final commitment is made. Wishing you good luck and courage to make the right decision for you.
There is no longer such a thing as a stay at home wife. The days of woman staying home while waiting for children to arrive and keeping house are long gone. Even trophy wives have other interests and side lines. This woman is getting married because she feels it is her given right to be supported by her man. Shameful and embarrassing in.this modern age
I feel that way sometimes. Being a woman in the workforce can be so demoralizing. So many different aspects feel unfair from working for less, having to work twice as hard to get half as far, being passed over for promotions, uncomfortable workplace culture… BUT!!! I happily work twice as hard for less to contribute equally for my husband. Institutional sexism isn’t his fault and I refuse to put all that burden on his shoulders. Society’s problems shouldn’t be your spouses. :(
They couldn’t reach some kind of agreement? He said he was fine with her staying home if they had kids. So, why she couldn’t she continue working until that happens, which probably should happen soon, seeing that she’s already 33? That means she wouldn’t be working too much longer anyway. So what difference would a year or so make, know what I mean?
If she said, "My workplace is toxic and getting unbearable - can we get by on one income if I have to job search?" or "My dream is to start my own business/freelance/pursue a professional qualification/change careers, would you support me in that?" or even "I feel depressed and unfullfilled in my career" that's one thing, but you aren't required to support her in stagnating by doing nothing. It sounds like both of you need to have a serious rethink about what you want in life. If you want this relationship, maybe suggest seeing a life coach, and working out if there's something she does want to do? Maybe there's room to compromise, where she works part-time, and pursues a passion?
I'm a stay at home dad and I feel bad about not earning more (I work around my wife's hours), I don't understand how someone's "dream" can be to stay home being lazy and yet claim they're not just lazy. Get out before this gold digger gets worse!
this would set off some red flags for me if this 'dream' came up after three years and, especially, since she didn't have this 'dream' until after the proposal. perhaps if she had a plan to work from home-maybe. and, as he stated, after there were children. but, if no kids then why no want to work if only to build up a nest egg by doing her proposed cutting back and continuing to work until kids. he's NTA as far as i am concerned.
I would need a really good reason. My husband and I have talked and agreed that when we have kids he will transition to staying at home or we would both look for more flexible jobs where we could both just work less hours. The truth is that there is not enough house work in the world that you need to just stay home to clean the house all day. If she wanted to do something with that time it would be different. Like say she wanted to be an artist, or if she wanted to donate her time to non-profits, but to just want to stay home because you don't want to work is a major red flag. Also, I have been the sole provider before when my husband was finishing up college and it is stressful and terrifying to go through that. I knew if I screwed up I had screwed us both big time. That is asking a lot of someone. At different points in our lives my husband was the sole earner and I was the sole earner and it takes a toll. No one wants to work non-stop but have some consideration for your partner.
Not enough info here to be dead certain, but it seems to be implied that all she wants is to be supported and not contribute in some way to the household, if so, then that is ABSOLUTELY NOT ok. BUT if she is in a career that she dislikes and wants some time to find alternatives, then it might not be so bad, and some room for compromise might not be unreasonable.
I don't think she realises how SOUL-DESTROYING staying at home without a purpose or achieving this would be!
Sounds to me like they're just not a good fit. This goes deeper than money or status. They have serious communication issues. They should date longer and get to know each other better. Marriage is a lot more than a wedding.
OK, I would say this is a true story. partly because his first reaction is surprise, then disbelief, then anger, then resignation. So either a true or a psych major. - In any event unfortunately, most women want to quit work. Just like most guys given the chance. The good news is you have absolute control and she's jsut handing it over. You can dictate how much money she has, what she drives, when and what she eats. You give her an allowance and that's it, while you go out with the boys. BB King said it best, "As long as I pay the bills, I deserve to be called the boss"
She's immature. He's smart. She is lazy. She should stay with her parents and see if they want to provide for that.
Load More Replies... Something's not adding up. The woman went from being career driven to the complete opposite? And she's clamming up about reasons why? Maybe it's a mental health thing? Maybe something bad happened at work? Regardless, communication is key here, not name calling.
It would be a huge shock and without any prior warning I can see why he had the reaction he did. Also, she is not communicating why, just saying she doesn't think the 9-5 life isn't for her but almost everyone feels that way, depression rates are super high for a reason. I hate working 9-5 and deal with mental health, but he can only respond to what she is providing him with. I would be beyond livid to have my husband drop that bomb on me. I would assume that she never had any other ambition but to be a house wife that entire time and honestly I would feel lied to. She could have a better reason but it mostly seems like she is selfish and she hasn't given him a reason to feel otherwise. My husband will stay at home when we have kids because I make around 3 times more than him but we have talked about that for years. It isn't something you just blind side someone with. His reaction to be angry is justifiable and her being manipulative is not okay. Completely on her.
Load More Replies... I would say run. This seems like a big thing to spring on someone after three years. And the fact that she has no plans for the time, but seems to want to be a kept woman is a red flag. I can understand not wanting to work 9-5, but there are plenty of jobs though that are not 9-5 ( mine for example and I love it) that allow greater flexibility while still contributing to the household.
You want his money, he said no. After 3 years of dating???? You're right Samantha, he should run like a rabbit.
Load More Replies... Is it possible to hear what she has to say? I am always cautiously interested in making sure the story as presented represents all the facts.
This is from Reddit, so is very very rare to see both sides, si you have to stick to the facts posters provide. But yeah, it would be super interesting to view the wife's side.
Load More Replies... There's absolutely nothing wrong with being a stay-at-home spouse with no kids! Who doesn't want to have no worries except where to gave lunch Unless! Unless your spouse doest want to pay your way, of course.
It's not about the money. You don't get from perusing a better job to not wanting to work without a serious mental process that she didn't feel the need to share - it's a huge red flag if you don't understand the need to communicate this while it's happening and not only after you made up your mind about something that: 1. Shows a big change in your mental state 2. Change your life (lifestyle level of both of them)
Load More Replies... NTA. I had a friend who didn't know his wife had this plan until AFTER they got married. A couple weeks into the new marriage, she announced that she was quitting work to go back to school. She quit. And did nothing. Doesn't go to school, doesn't work, doesn't even keep the house up. After a couple years of fighting (she accused him of not working hard enough because he wouldn't buy her a bigger house), he divorced her, and after hearing the story, the judge awarded her absolutely nothing in the divorce. YAY.
It's weird that this was never discussed before they got engaged. My husband and I knew all this about each other long before we got engaged. We discussed things like parenting, not working, lifestyle, study, unemployment, contributing to the relationship, expectations etc etc.
Well, whatever you decide, a decision needs to be made. If you are not ok with her ideas, then split before it gets ugly.
And split before she marries you and quits her job without consulting you.
Load More Replies... I’d love to not have to work too but it just isn’t realistic. Her delusions about not needing money are more worrisome than her natural desire to not be a wage slave. If she doesn’t want to work work, then she needs to save up money and start investing so she can justify it.
If you go way back, in the "hunter and gatherer" days, women were out getting food (and would take kids with them). If you go to the agricultural days, women worked on the farm from childhood until they were seniors (and their kids worked with them). In the Industrial age, women from working class households worked part-time or full-time in factories, or they did work for wealthy families, or they did work from home (sewing etc.) During WWII, women took on all jobs. It wasn't until the 50's that the concept of a "stay at home wife" began to exist (for the non-rich)... and the prosperity of the 50s didn't last. It isn't normal for an adult to "not work". Sure they don't need to have a full-time grueling job, but to say "I don't want to work at all" is lazy. And even maintaining a house for a "stay at home wife" is easy compared to the past, considering the modern conveniences (dishwasher, washer/dryer, vacuum cleaner etc.)
My wife just recently went back to work after 11 years at home. Laundry is always done. Dinner is always cooked. House is always clean. I'm pretty sure she works harder than me.
If I earned enough for my partner to do this, I would totally support them staying home! God, imagine not having to worry about groceries or keeping track of when the cat needs it's checkup,or all the annoying grownup stuff that ears into your time off.
Load More Replies... Nah. If this was a stay at home mom thing, I'd be all for it, but it sounds like she just wants to stop working now that she's landed a guy who makes enough money. Might want to reconsider that proposal, bro
Some men are happy for their wife to stay home, which is fair enough if you can afford it and it's what you both want but the fact that she's using words like "manipulative" when he said he wouldn't like that is ringing alarm bells. If circumstance allowed I'd love to be a stay at home mum but that's so I can be with my kids not be a lady of leisure. Would be interested to hear the fiancé's side of the story.
Aw hayel naw... It sounds like this chick is wanting a free ride, at least until some other guy comes along that has more moolah. How much you wanna bet that when their lifestyle cuts back, it starts to creep back to where it was. Dude can nip this in the bud real quick...Just tell her what her allowance is going to be per week. Hard stop...If he is the sole breadwinner, then its his money, his rules. His name on the account, on the mortgage, everything.She would be there at his discretion........Now, all that said, if dude is making insane bank, her income wouldnt be missed and he is fine with that arrangement, more power to 'em. But its made clear that he isnt into that. This dude needs to run like the water through a first time tourist in Mexico. Find someone who wants a partnership in life and not a sugar-daddy.
I had a woman suggest that to me once. Red flag and turn off for me, but not everyone. Too bad it took so long to come out but also better now than after you were married.
My best guess is she burnt out. Staying at home with no plans for the future may sound appealing when your job absolutely exhausted you but after a few months of being financially dependent and staying at home without any development, you realize it's not as good as it seemed. Taking a break from your job while you are looking for a new workplace oк changing your career path is fine, but just being stuck at home with chores for an indefinite amount of time doesn't sound very dreamy.
I, too, wondered if she needed a vacation. Otherwise, she needs to find someone who wants a housewife. If she does and then changes her mind, she'll have to find someone else again.
Load More Replies... Red flags everywhere! Her “dream” is to be lazy, you called her out for it and you’re absolutely right especially if she doesn’t have any real plans aside from just not working. If she wanted to start a business or do a hobby to make money sure, but no she straight up just doesn’t want to work. That’s all our dreams, a fantasy really, but it’s not realistic to anyone these days unless you’re in the 1%
I don't understand that why a stay at home spouse is called or considered a free loader. My mom was is a stay at home person but she took care of the household. If anyone feels that a stay at home spouse is lazy, then just imagine this lazy person takes care of all the work, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing the clothes, ensuring the house expenses r well under control, everyone in the house is eating healthy, is healthy, all the groceries r full n available. The management of house is equally hard as is doing a job. May be the above couple is not compatible. But please donot underestimate one spouse just because he/she is not getting money on table. If one spouse takes up the whole responsiblity of the house n other is the earning member, then it is still a balance. It should be the choice of both the people in the relationship as to who and how they want the balance.
Maintaining a child free home is in no way comparable to working a full time job. It's absurd to even try to make this claim. Once kids enter the picture that's a whole other story.
Load More Replies... omg please run!!!! I watch this all the time with my brother in law and his wife. She is just happily content spending his money that he works SEVEN days a week to support their life. Her justification is she's a SAHM.... umm your kids are teenagers, there's absolutely NO reason to be a stay at home mom at this point in this economy. ESPECIALLY when you can work from home. But she has no problem bouncing and going camping (glamping) and all that. She's sickening. I would NEVER do that to my future husband, it's a partnership. Also if you're a SAHM please don't be offended, if it works for you all great, but this is a different situation.
I'm not saying either one of you are in the wrong, but has it ever crossed your mind that she might be suffering from anxiety. Discuss options with her. Maybe she can cut down to part time. Is her work such that she might be able to do it from home? There may be something medically or mentally that is going on for the reason she feels this way. You call it laziness...but it could be something else. My work has been flexible with me because I have diabetes and I'm in constant pain. Maybe she just needs options.
If she has a medical issue or is burned out or something, then she needs to say that, and not just that its her "dream" to be a dependent.
Load More Replies... Guess I'm too European to get this. If your partner, regardless of their gender, wishes to stay at home because it makes them happy and you can easily afford it, why not? Some people are just not cut out for the rat race. I'm sure that after a few months, staying at home becomes boring and they'll want to get a part time job again or a job without a lot of pressure and stress or even start their own business. Not taking your partner serious makes you the asshat.
Well he said they could not afford their current lifestyle on one salary and he is not comfortable with the pressure of being the only bread winner, which I think is also fair. These kinds of largescale financial/ life decisions really should be discussed and not presented as a unilateral "dream" the other must support.
Load More Replies... i'd say lazy. with kids? no problem if she want to stay at home. my wife did that for a while and loved it. but wait until you married to do that? that sound like someone who take advantage of the situation. and i'm not talking about someone who's thinking about a year off before reconsidering a carreer change, or back to school.
Well, sometimes people find out that they cannot compromise at just the appropriate time. Kudos. A lot of couples pay quite a bit of money to find this out before marriage.
it seems she suffers from a burn out. if she was ambitious and going for a higher position before and it didnt work out, possibly with some unfair treatment at work it seems as a reasonable explanation. i heard stories about burnt out managers who suddenly left the city bought a farm and started growing crops and raising cattle. maybe she is going through something similar but you need to be at the same page. do not marry her till you sort this out
RUN, Run fast and hard! She is a narcissist and you do NOT want that. Do NOT marry her. Toss her as fast as you can.
Well, at least it's good that this came out BEFORE the wedding. It seems that the two of the are not as compatible as they believed. I get not wanting to be part of the 9-5 crowd, but checking out of working altogether is not something I'd be okay with, especially if it meant cutting back financially. The guy needs to figure out whether this is something he could live with longterm, since all financial burden would be on him. And the woman absolutely needs to figure out what she want to do with the rest of her life, because sitting on a couch 24/7 is not an option...
I agree with her only as much as i reckon she don't want to be part of the rat race (neither am I btw ;) ). We are not born to work all our lives, life is to be enjoyed, not worked until you are too old to enjoy it
While it does sound problematic that she wants to now be a stay-at-home wife (and could very well be a red flag), I'm not sure this is really that crazy of a thing. I suppose if her dream were to be a traditional stay-at-home wife, who would cook, do laundry and keep the house clean, etc...That's not entirely crazy (although obviously, they should be on the same page about that). She could look into remote work.
My mom was a housewife when my sister was born. However, she was also going to school full time and she was pregnant so this wanting to just be a stay at home wife doesn't make sense. And like some other people have said, it seems odd that one minute she's career driven and the next wants to leave her job without giving a good reason why.
Well. I don't blame her. She's only 33 and might be hoping ofr kids. Maybe she is so totally sick of being in an underpaid, unrewarding job,Surely trhey should have talked about this well before 'engagement, By the way stay at home wives are NOT lazy or spongers. we do the cooking, the laundry, housework, shopping. We cook fine dinners for the bloke's boss so he gets a promotion.In fact My husbans didn'; want ne to work. -- and once he kids were out of infants school I went to work. The lazy &&&&&&&&&& refused to help with any household chores. and still took charge of the after work and weekend activities
I totally understand that. I would like to be a stay at home wife. And so would my husband. But neither of us is prepared to do it at the other's expense.
I actually agree with the male (I'm female). I've never heard of a stay at home wife. I myself was a stay at home mom. I worked until we started cranking kids out then I became a stay at home wife, mother, lover, cook, driver, maid, etc........ I'm still doing it even after my youngest just had her first baby. My husband tells me I have no reason to work I do t have to if I didn't won't to.
You know everyone is giving this woman crap, but tell me, how will the house work get split, because I know damn good and well that I do not want to be stuck doing house work, cooking, and cleaning after being at work for 8 hours. If he isn't going to help with things around the house then why not let her be a stay at home wife. Running the house is just as much work, then add kids into the mix and you definitely got yourself more than a full time job!
Something similar happened to me, where I was the one who stopped working, but we weren't married or planning on getting married. We had been together for 5 years, though. I was working and going to school when I had to have major surgery and I developed complications. I had to quit my job and quit school, and even though I tried to work a part-time job, chronic health issues got me fired. My boyfriend was making plenty of money and I was getting a little from unemployment, but he was shouldering most of the financial burden. He never discussed it with me. Just out of the blue he gave me the "it's not you, it's me" speech, but the other way around - "it's all you." A year later he got married to someone else. I just hope she never gets sick. I'm on disability now but because of the whole "lazy" assumption about people who don't work, I try to avoid talking about careers with people who don't know me, which is no minor feat.
Oh boy. I understand stay at home mom, but stay at home wife would be a question of why? I don’t think this soon to be marriage should go forward until both parties attend counseling together and see if this is the deal breaker because I have a strong feeling it is here. I wish you both luck.
I would have loved to have been a stay at home wife, but we wanted a large family so it wasn't an option. I was able to work part time when the kids were small, but it's a partnership. There was a time my husband was out of work and my job saved the roof over all our heads. It takes two loving hard working people to make a happy marriage. Respect for one another includes both contributing financially to the marriage. My mother said to me on my wedding day, "never count on a man to provide for you. True happiness is knowing you have the ability to provide for yourself." We both work full time, and have been happily married for 42 years. Work it out now before a final commitment is made. Wishing you good luck and courage to make the right decision for you.
There is no longer such a thing as a stay at home wife. The days of woman staying home while waiting for children to arrive and keeping house are long gone. Even trophy wives have other interests and side lines. This woman is getting married because she feels it is her given right to be supported by her man. Shameful and embarrassing in.this modern age
I feel that way sometimes. Being a woman in the workforce can be so demoralizing. So many different aspects feel unfair from working for less, having to work twice as hard to get half as far, being passed over for promotions, uncomfortable workplace culture… BUT!!! I happily work twice as hard for less to contribute equally for my husband. Institutional sexism isn’t his fault and I refuse to put all that burden on his shoulders. Society’s problems shouldn’t be your spouses. :(
They couldn’t reach some kind of agreement? He said he was fine with her staying home if they had kids. So, why she couldn’t she continue working until that happens, which probably should happen soon, seeing that she’s already 33? That means she wouldn’t be working too much longer anyway. So what difference would a year or so make, know what I mean?
If she said, "My workplace is toxic and getting unbearable - can we get by on one income if I have to job search?" or "My dream is to start my own business/freelance/pursue a professional qualification/change careers, would you support me in that?" or even "I feel depressed and unfullfilled in my career" that's one thing, but you aren't required to support her in stagnating by doing nothing. It sounds like both of you need to have a serious rethink about what you want in life. If you want this relationship, maybe suggest seeing a life coach, and working out if there's something she does want to do? Maybe there's room to compromise, where she works part-time, and pursues a passion?
I'm a stay at home dad and I feel bad about not earning more (I work around my wife's hours), I don't understand how someone's "dream" can be to stay home being lazy and yet claim they're not just lazy. Get out before this gold digger gets worse!
this would set off some red flags for me if this 'dream' came up after three years and, especially, since she didn't have this 'dream' until after the proposal. perhaps if she had a plan to work from home-maybe. and, as he stated, after there were children. but, if no kids then why no want to work if only to build up a nest egg by doing her proposed cutting back and continuing to work until kids. he's NTA as far as i am concerned.
I would need a really good reason. My husband and I have talked and agreed that when we have kids he will transition to staying at home or we would both look for more flexible jobs where we could both just work less hours. The truth is that there is not enough house work in the world that you need to just stay home to clean the house all day. If she wanted to do something with that time it would be different. Like say she wanted to be an artist, or if she wanted to donate her time to non-profits, but to just want to stay home because you don't want to work is a major red flag. Also, I have been the sole provider before when my husband was finishing up college and it is stressful and terrifying to go through that. I knew if I screwed up I had screwed us both big time. That is asking a lot of someone. At different points in our lives my husband was the sole earner and I was the sole earner and it takes a toll. No one wants to work non-stop but have some consideration for your partner.
Not enough info here to be dead certain, but it seems to be implied that all she wants is to be supported and not contribute in some way to the household, if so, then that is ABSOLUTELY NOT ok. BUT if she is in a career that she dislikes and wants some time to find alternatives, then it might not be so bad, and some room for compromise might not be unreasonable.
I don't think she realises how SOUL-DESTROYING staying at home without a purpose or achieving this would be!
Sounds to me like they're just not a good fit. This goes deeper than money or status. They have serious communication issues. They should date longer and get to know each other better. Marriage is a lot more than a wedding.
OK, I would say this is a true story. partly because his first reaction is surprise, then disbelief, then anger, then resignation. So either a true or a psych major. - In any event unfortunately, most women want to quit work. Just like most guys given the chance. The good news is you have absolute control and she's jsut handing it over. You can dictate how much money she has, what she drives, when and what she eats. You give her an allowance and that's it, while you go out with the boys. BB King said it best, "As long as I pay the bills, I deserve to be called the boss"
She's immature. He's smart. She is lazy. She should stay with her parents and see if they want to provide for that.
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