Woman Shares How She Tests Out Her Dates For Red Flags Before Going Out With Them, Starts A Heated Discussion
Blind dates are risky. You might end up getting ghosted. Or you might not like the person when they show. Plus, there is also a small possibility you might run into someone toxic who is not worth a minute of your time.
But taking chances is necessary if you want to find a meaningful relationship. So it’s all just risk management.
Yes, first dates may be awkward but they are also the perfect opportunity to work out if someone is really right for you. One tumblr user suggests you can start figuring out the person even before you meet them.
The Rain Monster shared an idea for what they think is a harmless little test everyone can do in order to see if the person you’re about to go out with raises any red flags.
Image credits: Praveen Gupta (not the actual photo)
However, if you like texting with someone and agree to go out with them, it becomes a little easier to spot potential red flags. Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D., a licensed counselor, and professor at Northern Illinois University, says that love may be blind, but be sure to trust your gut on first dates. However, Degges-White thinks that some situations may in fact warn us about future relationship problems.
Warning Sign 1. Imagine he takes you to his favorite sports bar, then spends more time with his eyes on the game on the screen than on you. “If you don’t warrant his full attention on the first date, chances are that he’s made his priorities clear,” Degges-White writes. “If you are as engrossed in the game as he is, this might be a good thing. If he leaves you feeling like you’re already on the losing team, you might need to decide if you want to go into overtime or just admit defeat and cut your losses.”
Image credits: the-rain-monster
Warning Sign 2. Say you meet for a cup of coffee as a ‘pre-first date’ meet-up, and instead of inviting you to talk about yourself, she spends the next hour telling you all about herself. “Unless you were feeding her the questions and she was giving you the answers, it’s likely that her interest in herself will always outweigh her interest in a boyfriend’s life,” Degges-White says. “Poor social skills can be corrected, but overt narcissism is almost impossible to cure.”
Warning Sign 3. You agree to go to a great restaurant. It is known for its awesome sushi or burgers or falafel and he orders a meal about as far off from the specialty as it could be—and then complains throughout the meal that the chef doesn’t have a clue what they’re doing. “It can be a lot of fun to hang out with someone who likes to take the proverbial ‘path less traveled,’ but when they don’t like where it leads them and they look for someone else to blame for their decision, it may indicate that when things go wrong, you might end up the scapegoat more often than you’d like.”
As the post went viral, it started a heated discussion on the ethics of dating
Image credits: the-real-seebs
Warning Sign 4. You go to a cool new coffee bar but the list of demands she places on the barista when she orders seems to go on and on. Then when all of her demands are seemingly met, she complains that the foam isn’t thick enough. “When someone reels off a long list of demands to her server, she may also be the kind of person who makes unspoken demands on a partner,” Degges-White points out. “Someone who expects her steak done to exactly 143 degrees is likely to expect the same kind of willingness to please from a boyfriend or partner in her life.”
Image credits: teratomarty
Warning Sign 5. He makes great eye contact, he’s also warm and compassionate, laughs at your jokes, and makes you feel like he is definitely ‘second date material.’ But all of a sudden he explains that he’s still getting over a breakup. He admits to being a ‘sensitive guy,’ but he then casually mentions that the breakup happened 11 months ago, adding that your smile or your hair reminds him a little of the ex. “This guy’s probably nowhere near ready to let go of the past and move on into the future,” Degges-White explains. “His appeal may actually be his downfall if he’s bringing out your ‘caretaker’ side. Trying to win your heart by being interested and caring is one thing, but trying to win your sympathy as he talks about his ex is something else entirely.”
Image credits: w0manifest
Warning Sign 6. She spends the first date elaborating on how much she hates her mother or her family or her job or how she’s been wronged by boyfriends or other friends in the past. “People tell you what they want you to know about them. If she’s already sharing how poorly she’s managed other relationships in her life, run now before you end up the next person on her list of ‘failed relationships.'”
Warning Sign 7. He comes to pick you up and your dog starts barking at the sound of the doorbell. You quiet the pup as you open the door and your date complains, saying you need to get a muzzle for that animal. Or your cat hisses as soon as it sees him on the doorstep and he immediately states that he hates cats. “Converting non-animal lovers can be difficult and when he’s already dissing the pet before a formal introduction, chances are that he’s not going to appreciate the companionship of your faithful pup or kitten.”
Image credits: lierdumoa
Warning Sign 8. He just can’t stay focused on you and the conversation or the meal or the film or the music longer than a couple of minutes before checking his phone—and you don’t know if he’s checking a game score, the exchange rate, or firming up plans for his second ‘first date’ of the evening. “His ability to focus on the potential relationship that the two of you are trying to establish on the first date can be a good indication of his willingness to be emotionally present in the future,” Degges-White, says.
Image credits: cumbler-tumbler
Warning Sign 9. Your new date spends too much time asking if you’re having fun, if you’re too cold, if the restaurant is OK, if your drink is just right… He’s so solicitous of your feelings that you are becoming oddly uncomfortable. “Everyone wants to be ‘liked,’ but when someone is a little overzealous in their efforts to please someone else, it may be due to low self-esteem. If you don’t want to spend a lifetime trying to assure him that he’s great, the relationship is fine, and yes, you adore him, you may want to reconsider agreeing to a second date.”
Warning Sign 10. She shares her views on politics, religion, human nature, diversity, money, etc. and you get the feeling that there are some basic fundamental differences in your belief systems.
“Not every difference of opinion is or should be a deal-breaker,” Degges-White says. “But when the differences bring up warning signs in your own mind, heed them. Remember that wanting to change someone is a lot different than being with someone who wants to change.”
None of these points are clear-cut rules, but they might help you to get to know your date.
I think it's a great test, nobody should have to justify not wanting to do something to someone they've just met. I'm only shocked that anyone fails it.
The way this is being explained doesn't make sense to me. If a man asks me out to a coffee shop. If I tell him I don't like coffee shops, but don't give him any more information than that, how does he know how to make a better suggestion? Is it because I don't like coffee? Or because I think they're too crowded? And how is he supposed to get to know you if you won't answer such a simple question? This just seems bizarre.
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only opposition i would have for a tactic like this : don't say no to something you would definitely prefer to say YES to on a second date. most likely the guy will remember "oh she didn't like that, let's never do/go/eat/say that again in her presence".
Or she just doesn't know you and doesn't feel the need to justify why she would prefer something else at this point. When you get to know her, then she will probably be more open. I have had plenty of times where I have said no because I can't, but am not gonna tell some stranger why I can't. No means no, and no other justification should be needed.
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I love this. I inadvertently used this last year. I was asked out and told him that I had a work event on Friday and could meet any other evening that week. He calls two days later and tells me that he made a reservation for Friday so I reminded him that I was not available on Friday and asked to reschedule. He became unreasonable and told me to cancel my other plans. I noped right the heck out of that conversation. He then became abusive on social media and I had to block him. This wasn't even a planned test, but I love it and will use it from now on.
In fact, you had even given him a reason (for the test to be the same as the story you would have needed to just say “I can’t make it Friday”). That he went off even when he knew all the details is so telling. Imagine what he’d be like if you *had* just said no without a reason 😳. Glad you were able to dodge him.
Load More Replies... I think it's a great test, nobody should have to justify not wanting to do something to someone they've just met. I'm only shocked that anyone fails it.
The way this is being explained doesn't make sense to me. If a man asks me out to a coffee shop. If I tell him I don't like coffee shops, but don't give him any more information than that, how does he know how to make a better suggestion? Is it because I don't like coffee? Or because I think they're too crowded? And how is he supposed to get to know you if you won't answer such a simple question? This just seems bizarre.
Load More Replies... only opposition i would have for a tactic like this : don't say no to something you would definitely prefer to say YES to on a second date. most likely the guy will remember "oh she didn't like that, let's never do/go/eat/say that again in her presence".
Or she just doesn't know you and doesn't feel the need to justify why she would prefer something else at this point. When you get to know her, then she will probably be more open. I have had plenty of times where I have said no because I can't, but am not gonna tell some stranger why I can't. No means no, and no other justification should be needed.
Load More Replies... I love this. I inadvertently used this last year. I was asked out and told him that I had a work event on Friday and could meet any other evening that week. He calls two days later and tells me that he made a reservation for Friday so I reminded him that I was not available on Friday and asked to reschedule. He became unreasonable and told me to cancel my other plans. I noped right the heck out of that conversation. He then became abusive on social media and I had to block him. This wasn't even a planned test, but I love it and will use it from now on.
In fact, you had even given him a reason (for the test to be the same as the story you would have needed to just say “I can’t make it Friday”). That he went off even when he knew all the details is so telling. Imagine what he’d be like if you *had* just said no without a reason 😳. Glad you were able to dodge him.
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