I'm 64 my husband is 53. We've been together for 30 years. He has two sons from a previous marriage. He began drinking about 7 years ago. One day four or five friends called me out of the blue asking me if I was okay. Are you and hubby still together? Yes. The fifth call I said okay what the hell is going on? She said you need to see what your husband posted on his Facebook wall
I went on Facebook and saw my husband drunk posing with a very attractive young barmaid. She's the epitome of everything he said he hated about women. He doesn't like skinny girls, he doesn't like makeup. She is short, skinny with long fake fingernails and tons of makeup. Now I feel like he's been lying to me for the past 30 years and he was never attracted to me at all. The caption he wrote said I woke up this morning and got myself a beer with Susie. When I saw it I burst into tears. I asked him to take it down. He said no because they're just friends. He said nobody would think they were sleeping together, those are just song lyrics. I said it's not appropriate for you to post pictures of yourself drunk with another woman and saying you slept with her. I got five phone calls today everybody thinks you're cheating on me. You're humiliating me with this picture. He adamantly refused to take it down. I told him I was going to divorce him because of his blatant disrespect and disregard for my feelings. Up until this happened he never even looked at another woman in my presence. He was always a decent honest man until he began drinking. A few months later he got really drunk on his birthday and said I can't believe you got mad at me over a stupid picture. Donna is the one you should worry about. Donna is the one with the chubby curvy body, the kind of body I like. In the morning when he was sober I calmly explained to him again how that picture hurt me. I raised his children every weekend Friday Saturday Sunday for 16 years. They are now adults living in another state. We had not seen them in at least 2 years. When they came to visit he told them to meet him at the bar. The next day he posted pictures of him and his children with Susie the barmaid. The caption said We are family and Susie has a heart of gold. He never even told me they were coming! I was heartbroken and so was his brother. Even though neither of us drink we would have gone to the bar to see the kids. Susie told me she has no interest in my husband other than a friend. She thinks of him as a father figure. Anyone who thinks otherwise is crazy, and why would people think he's cheating with her? I said well look at you and look at me. I'm three times your size and 25 years older than you. Please don't take any more pictures with my husband, it's humiliating me. Previous to this I was never jealous of anyone. I was always self-confident. I became so insecure I sat in the parking lot of a Halloween store crying because I remembered the sexy costume Susie wore last year. They don't make sexy costumes in my size. I dressed as Cleopatra and went to the party. As soon as I saw Susie in a playboy bunny costume I burst into tears. I hid in my car and the bathroom. Washing my face so no one would know I was crying. A few months later they did it to me again. This time she posted a picture of my husband drunk squished in between her and another hot young bar maid doing shots. I told him I don't love him anymore. I have to deal with seeing that barmaid on every holiday, at every party, every time I go there. He asks Donna to go outside and grab a smoke with him leaving me sitting alone at the bar. I don't drink and I hate going there to begin with. He simply does not care about my feelings. I think he wants all of his men friends to think he's screwing Susie even though he's not. He never posted a picture of me on his Facebook wall. I'm really good looking for my age, sweet, funny and I'm very successful financially. I've always worked hard and retired early. I never had kids. Several of my family members say there's nothing wrong with what he did. They are just friends. I have to get over my own insecurities about being tall, fat and old. It's not her fault that she's short, thin and young. Am I the asshole?
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You’re NTA. All of your feelings are completely valid, and I would be extremely upset as well. Being drunk is no excuse for his actions, as they say, drunk words (or actions) are sober thoughts. You seem like a wonderful woman, you deserve someone who truly sees that and respects you and your feelings. Is there any reason he started drinking in the first place? Not asking you to tell me, that’s between you two, but if you don’t want to go full force and divorce him after all these years, I’d start with trying to figure out what caused him to start drinking so much. If it has anything to do with the love between you two running dry, obviously leave him, but if there’s something else going on maybe you two could try working through it together and he could return to the man he once was. At the end of the day, however, he should be respecting your feelings and making you feel like you’re the only woman in the world. He has definitely done enough at this point for divorce, because no one should have to be put through the things he has done to you. If he can’t understand that, that’s on him. I’m sure you’d go on to live a great, happy life yourself and maybe even find your actual soulmate.
My sister took him to the American Legion bar saying he needed to meet other veterans. That's when he started drinking. He became so involved with the legion he totally neglected the house. He no longer opens the pool. No longer decorates for Halloween. Our house was on the news one year because of all our decorations. All the things that were so joyful and important to us are now in the past. We never have a free weekend because he's always volunteering to work for free at the bar. No more camping trips. He told me he could not get any vacation days but then I found out he used his vacation days to volunteer for free at the bar. He had not taken me out to dinner since 2008. Imagine how I felt when I found out he took the chubby girl Donna out to dinner at least 5 times. He said it wasn't her and him alone other people were there too. I think he's in love with her. I got fat removed from my chin last week. I'm going to get my eyelids lifted. I'm going to work on myself.
No, you aren’t. I would be seriously hurt if that happened to me. I may be young, but I want to say this from my heart and from my parent’s divorce: first, you aren’t at fault, your husband is, second, if your husband doesn't care about your feelings, then leave him. He isn’t worth it. I get that it will be hard, and I know what it’s like to be insecure. If your husband is drinking with your money, then don’t allow him to use that money. If you aren’t willing to divorce, find out why he has a drinking problem. If you divorce, get him out of your life. I would leave. The relationship is starting to get toxic. If you don’t love him, file a divorce and get your stuff away from him. There’s no worry about custody, as your stepsons are grown up. You are questioning yourself. That will lead to problems down the road. NTA. If he truly loves you, then he’d respect your feelings. Being drunk is not an excuse.
My sister and several of my family members said he is only having fun. It's his money not mine. That I shouldn't be "jealous" of the barmaid or the other girl he told me he is attracted to. He asked me to help him cut down on his drinking. I don't drink. I was only going there to support him and sing karaoke. The bartenders always treat me like I'm garbage because I drink water even though I tip them generously. When he opts for water they call him derogatory names. When I saw him drink 10 beers and five shots I tried to hand him a bottle of water and he looked at me with extreme hatred. He told everyone there I won't let him have a couple of beers. I won't let him have any fun. He told me I'm no fun and he has more fun when he goes out with the girls from the bar. He never takes me out to dinner but he takes them out to dinner and bar hopping. Sometimes I think I should start drinking too? But I don't want to be a loser and poison myself just to fit in with a bunch of drunks.
