One liners are one of the best forms of comedy. I wanna hear yours!
Welcome back to plastic surgery addicts anonymous. I’m seeing a lot of new faces, and let me just say I am very disappointed in all of you.
Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’
I don't respect you enough to care about your opinion of me.
i got arrested for downloading the whole wikipedia, i told them i could explain everything
I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.
I M LIVID
If your brains were tnt, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose.
My friend said the onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.🧅🥥🧅🥥🧅🥥🧅🥥🧅🥥🧅🥥
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what she laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
I always loved one from the TV Series Castle. "This guy's dropped more pills than a three-fingered pharmacist."
Everything is better in moderation, even moderation.
A theatrical performance about puns is a play on words
The early bird may get the worm, but it’s the second mouse that gets the cheese
"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again." (Tim Vine)
If brains were elastic, you would not have enough to make garters for a sparrow.
A lady I work with kept complaining about how she always had a bad day when everyone else was having a good day. She said she was stuck in Murphy's law.
I asked her if she knew what Cole's law was. She didn't. My response, "it's lightly sauced cabbage."
Everyone started screaming.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Before using the toilet, know exactly where the tie to your bathrobe is.
“Do you know What?”
“No, but Who is a good friend of mine.”
Sometimes "all that glitters is gold" is really tinsel in a pile of dog cr@p.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
From a book I read, can't remember which one
He is one 'et' away from being an asset
When I'm so tired that I'm on auto pilot... The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.
Some people's birth certificates should be apology letters from the condom factory.
What did the hat say to the tie? "You hang around, I'll go on ahead."
When somebody tells me to have a nice day, I respond "That's the plan!"
LET ME DRINK ABOUT IT!
"I'd rather be a smart ass than a dumbass!"
I've been saying that since I was a teen and it still serves me well as a retort. 'Cuz I am a smart ass☺️
....and a man accused of hiding himself under a layer of iron oxide has been placed under a rust.
You couldn’t find your own ass with both hands.
I dreamed I ate a five-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone.
Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the counter, and says "Can you put me up for the night?"
A man accused of hiding himself inside a giant trifle is being held in custard.
I'm here to chew bubblegum and [do whatever I'm going to do], and I'm all out of bubblegum
hey girl, you don't just look good, you look lesBIEN (Im a lesbian,its not supposed to be mean)
Just recently in a chat room, someone asked if they made Coyote Off (like a repellant spray of some kind)
I said, "Sure. You can get it at the same place as Bear Off or Moose Off. They even have one for wild rabbits. It's called Jack Off."
He talks so much he should go to On and On Anon
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
They were handing out brains, they thought they said grains and said no thank you.
I don't have a dog in this hunt.
It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.
I'd rather be resourceful, than smart. Aw heck! ... At my age, I'll take either.
Officer: Suspect is naked on the street.
Dispatch: Copy that
Officer: It's kinda cold
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Is it half price if I only look with one eye?
Yes, I was wrong once but I divorced him.
- You have more fat cells than brain cells
- I'm not saying it's your fault, I'm just saying I blame you
- I never said you're stupid, I said you lack the ability to be smart
I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.
When entitled people ask "Do you know who my father is?"... "No, but ask your mother there's a slim chance she may remember."
Not mine, well, Phoebe Buffay's- Oh! I wish could but I don't want to.
There are two kinds of people in this world. One, those who can form logical conclusions based on limited data.
The ability to speak does not make you intelligent
- Qui Gon Jinn
Your gene pool could use some chlorine.
You can't cure stupidity but you can sedate it
Person 1: "I'm afraid of the 15th, 9th, and 3rd letters of the alphabet." Person 2: "Oh, I see." Person 1: *faints*
You look good enough for an open casket funeral!
I hate mornings so much I sleep till noon
Descartes walks into a restaurant. The waiter asked if he’d like wine with dinner. Descartes said “I don’t think” and disappeared.
When arguing that I am right/always right: "I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken."
I'm leaving this world the same way I came into it: screaming and covered in somebody else's blood.
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.
The brilliant Tim Vine!
A Roman walks into a bar, puts 2 fingers up and says "5 beers please"
A snake walked into a bar, the bartender asked "how did you do that?"
When I started working for this company, I was young and impoverished.
But after forty years of hard work and loyal service, I am no longer young.
Pardon me for talking while you were interrupting.
I stopped calling my toilet the John and started calling it the Jim. My friends are well impressed when I tell them I go the the Jim twice a day!
Seen in The Rotherham Bugle
I once heard my friend say “are you a coffin cause I’m dying to get inside of you” h actually got the girls number too.😂😂😂
On a Friday, say "Day five of the hostage situation"
Your incompetence is beginning to grow taxing...(I stole this from Underworld and have found it quite useful)
Give yourself a break do it since a perfect house isn't going to help our tired bodies only the eyes😁 (an advice I give my friends and mum a lot)
Living and dying in Texas is redundant.
Why is a German stone intelligent?
Because its not just a stone, it's ein Stein
I would tell you a joke about noble gases but it wouldn’t get a reaction
What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can helium and you can’t curium you may as well barium
To people walked into a bar. One asked for h2o. The other asked for h2o too. He wasn’t specific enough. He promptly died. Knowledge is power kids. Yay. Long live the nerds.
I hate my social media accounts. I hope they blow up.
You might be kind, but German children will always be kinder
"Do you live around here often?"
There is no "I" in team, but there is a "u" in F$#k you.
You go to an American bathroom and suddenly, you're a Russian. When you come out, you're Finnished
(someone commenting on a woman's practically theoretical dress) "I've seen more cotton in an aspirin bottle."
If you wake up and smell the roses chances are you’ve been buried alive.
If some one says to me "Drive safely" I reply "I will drive as I want to"
Or "Sleep well" I reply " I will sleep as I want to"
All with a very serious and indignant face. :) Then I smile.
If someone is weareing a very bright or off beat shirt or shoes etc I always say " You can wear that shirt/shoes/tie etc with any thing" Then I pause to see how their face lights up and feel proud, then I reply the second part "Because it goes with nothing." :)
A guy was so lazy that he got up at 3 am so he would be able to do nothing for a longer period of time.
We went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog there. It was a s**t zoo!
Everything is getting smaller or an inferior quality. Terry’s Chocolate Orange is now a chocolate satsuma.
Innuendo – an Italian enema.
We used to cough to hide a fart, now during covid we fart to hide a cough.
Those three little words to keep your wife happy – you’re right dear!
Get someone else’s life -- yours is not working.
You ask if he had any enemies? Do you have a phone book?
Don’t be so open minded that your brains fall out!
A guy said he wanted to get into my pants.
Not possible, I said, there’s only room for one asshole and I’m it!
A guy said, “If you ain’t from Texas, you ain’t s**t.” I felt bad, but then wondered if I would have felt any better if he said I was s**t.
Have you been to Area 51? Not that I remember.
Customer at a drive thru window: Is Jack here?
Server: No, Jack’s off tonight.
Date said: I can’t tell you what I do for a living and then let you live.
Me: Well, can you hint at it and just beat me up?
Fired at the guy, missed his ear by 3” -- yup, got him right between the eyes.
I did fire a warning shot through his liver.
The car could stop on a dime. Unfortunately, the dime was in some guy’s pocket.
You look tired. Let me hold your wallet.
I am single by choice. You, however, are being rejected.
I’m really an asshole but this is my day off.
I shoot in the low 70's, gets any colder than that, I don't go out.
How come you're late so soon? you used to be behind before but now you're finally first at last
Not me, but one of my friends. I was telling him about the time I went behind the bleachers and saw some clueless couple doing IT....and he said, "Would be good practice for when I'm an adult." It was two weeks ago. I'm 13 and he's 14.
Nothing is better than the best
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
- Groucho Marx
I encourage friends with this classic line from Rodney Dangerfield [google him]: "Look out for number one and try not to step in number two."
Tell me something I don't know about you.. Like you phone number
I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.
I’m an acquired taste, if you don’t like me, acquire some taste.
What makes you think evolution cares whether or not you believe in it.
Most people get mad when a sentence doesnt end like its potato
When they were handing out brains, you thought they said 'rain' and ran for the porch.
I almost went on America’s Got Talent until I realized I was the one that was supposed to have talent to go :-(
I went to the doctor. All he did was suck blood from my neck. Do not go see Dr. Acula ~ Mitch Hedberg
Eagles soar high, but weasles don't get stuck in jet engines.
I could only think of this one, though it was dumb.
What's up? - The sky (or the ceiling)
Can I asked a question? You just did.
"not my circus, not my monkey"..........
Being a smart a$$ only proves that an a$$ can occasionally be intelligent.
Half the population is below average intelligence.
Context: Cop busted a guy for painting a guy red and blowing up his house
"Unless you wanna see if your blood is tuscan red, I'd recommend you stay put."
How you Doing?
"I'm doing as I please!"
Have ya ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight ?!!?
Hey buddy you got a match?
Yes, your face and my bum.
A seal walked into a club.
I live on a ranch. This means I know the difference between horse s**t and bull s**t.
This place is a powder keg and these people are a match away.
When I look at you, I think, THATS the sperm that won?
You are what happens when there is no life guard at the gene pool.
Some people are young and foolish, at least you still have foolish.
Till I spoke to you I didn’t know stupid was a career option.
( These are just a few off the top of my head. I was born and raised in NJ. Sarcasm is our Kung Fu … and it is strong grasshoppers. )
A dwarf prisoner escaped becoming a Small Medium at Large
Is must be hard going through life being so nasty all the time.
-You are absotively, posolutely correct because pobody's nerfect!
-Huked on fonics werked fer mee
-How about a department of common sense?
-The beatings will continue until morale improves
-The bureaucracy will expand to meet the needs of the expanding bureaucracy!
-What is the first law of a bureaucracy? Survival.
-Department of redundancy department.
-That boy is about as sharp as a bag of wet mice!
[someone saying f*ck you]
me: you would want to wouldnt you?
I always lie