One liners are one of the best forms of comedy. I wanna hear yours!

#1

Welcome back to plastic surgery addicts anonymous. I’m seeing a lot of new faces, and let me just say I am very disappointed in all of you.

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HooowlAtTheMoon
Community Member
4 months ago

oh my god this is my favorite

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#2

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

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Zophra
Community Member
4 months ago

IV real?

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#3

Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.

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HooowlAtTheMoon
Community Member
4 months ago

i feel like this would be on one of those "technically true" post pages

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#4

A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’

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Donkey boi
Community Member
4 months ago

This... this is beautiful!

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#5

I don't respect you enough to care about your opinion of me.

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MagicalUnicorn
Community Member
4 months ago

i'm gonna use this one

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#6

i got arrested for downloading the whole wikipedia, i told them i could explain everything

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Pearl
Community Member
4 months ago

😂

#7

I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.
I M LIVID

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Candia Lee
Community Member
4 months ago

Higher!

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#8

If your brains were tnt, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose.

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Mary Rose Kent
Community Member
4 months ago

👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

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#9

My friend said the onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.🧅🥥🧅🥥🧅🥥🧅🥥🧅🥥🧅🥥

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Random Anon
Community Member
4 months ago

With a durian, you can make someone cry and bleed.

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#10

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

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Mary Rose Kent
Community Member
4 months ago

Foshizzle!

#11

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what she laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

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Niyati
Community Member
4 months ago

Pure Gem 😂😂

#12

I always loved one from the TV Series Castle. "This guy's dropped more pills than a three-fingered pharmacist."

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Jo87
Community Member
3 months ago

So bad it's good!

#13

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

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Skara Brae
Community Member
4 months ago

You won't find that in Florida either.

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#14

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

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Candia Lee
Community Member
4 months ago

A Rare Medium Well Done was a promotional slogan for PBS 7 in El Paso. The El Paso sun logo was made of 7s.

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#15

Everything is better in moderation, even moderation.

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Devil's Advocate
Community Member
4 months ago

Yep, a world without counter-arguments is a boring and broken place

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#16

A theatrical performance about puns is a play on words

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Alfie kelly
Community Member
4 months ago

Damn

#17

The early bird may get the worm, but it’s the second mouse that gets the cheese

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Random Person
Community Member
4 months ago

Or the tardy bird steals the worm

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#18

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again." (Tim Vine)

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Community Member
4 months ago

Good one

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#19

If brains were elastic, you would not have enough to make garters for a sparrow.

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R Carson
Community Member
4 months ago

Just saw this on this site-my new favorite "have the day you deserve."

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#20

A lady I work with kept complaining about how she always had a bad day when everyone else was having a good day. She said she was stuck in Murphy's law.
I asked her if she knew what Cole's law was. She didn't. My response, "it's lightly sauced cabbage."
Everyone started screaming.

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Theoretical Empiricist
Community Member
4 months ago

You're lucky to be alive.

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#21

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

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Skara Brae
Community Member
4 months ago

I heard this one as '...didn't get the joke.'

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#22

Before using the toilet, know exactly where the tie to your bathrobe is.

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Dandelion Patch
Community Member
4 months ago

Good advice!

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#23

“Do you know What?”
“No, but Who is a good friend of mine.”

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Telmo Belo
Community Member
4 months ago

I Don't Know is on third

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#24

Sometimes "all that glitters is gold" is really tinsel in a pile of dog cr@p.

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Mary Rose Kent
Community Member
4 months ago

But the phrase is actually “All that glitters is NOT gold”...

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#25

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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Mary Rose Kent
Community Member
4 months ago

So GOOD!

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#26

From a book I read, can't remember which one
He is one 'et' away from being an asset

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Mary Rose Kent
Community Member
4 months ago

Good one!

#27

When I'm so tired that I'm on auto pilot... The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.

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Calypso poet
Community Member
4 months ago

This is the best example I've read so far! (That hasn't been heard a million times) slightly morbid with dead animals. Stealing it to use to describe my husband!😂

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#28

Some people's birth certificates should be apology letters from the condom factory.

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#29

What did the hat say to the tie? "You hang around, I'll go on ahead."

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Niall Mac Iomera
Community Member
4 months ago

That's a two liner.

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#30

When somebody tells me to have a nice day, I respond "That's the plan!"

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Skara Brae
Community Member
4 months ago

I might respond "And a nice cream." (If that isn't clear to anyone, it sounds like 'an ice cream')

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#31

Go brush your tooth...

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Joe Stein
Community Member
4 months ago

I live in an area with a huge meth problem. This made me laugh so hard.

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#32

LET ME DRINK ABOUT IT!

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Caro Caro
Community Member
4 months ago

CaroCaro noddiing and agreeing.

#33

"I'd rather be a smart ass than a dumbass!"

I've been saying that since I was a teen and it still serves me well as a retort. 'Cuz I am a smart ass☺️

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Lucky2BAlive
Community Member
4 months ago

Aren’t you afraid that if you poo you’re IQ will drop?

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#34

My circus, my monkeys. Stay outta my business.

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Rens
Community Member
4 months ago

Not my circus, not my monkeys....

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#35

“Don’t be lasagna”- 12th doctor (Doctor Who)

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ʕ º ᴥ ºʔ
Community Member
4 months ago

Oh oh oh, is this just before they go inside the dalek?

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#36

....and a man accused of hiding himself under a layer of iron oxide has been placed under a rust.

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Sam ️‍
Community Member
4 months ago

*chef's kiss*

#37

You couldn’t find your own ass with both hands.

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Carole Reid
Community Member
4 months ago

In a snowstorm.

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#38

I dreamed I ate a five-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone.

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Devil's Advocate
Community Member
4 months ago

You're probably English, we always wake up "spitting feathers" (needing tea)

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#39

Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the counter, and says "Can you put me up for the night?"

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Steve Barnett
Community Member
4 months ago

Never happened. All the inns were still full.

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#40

A man accused of hiding himself inside a giant trifle is being held in custard.

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Community Member
4 months ago

That should say custardy not custard!

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#41

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

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Devil's Advocate
Community Member
4 months ago

- Homer Simpson

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#42

I'm here to chew bubblegum and [do whatever I'm going to do], and I'm all out of bubblegum

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olx
Community Member
4 months ago

like the it crowd "I came here to drink milk and kick ass, and I've just finished my milk" - Maurice Moss. give me one of those sweet, sweet consonants!

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#43

hey girl, you don't just look good, you look lesBIEN (Im a lesbian,its not supposed to be mean)

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albernistuff 4sale
Community Member
4 months ago

tres bien

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#44

Just recently in a chat room, someone asked if they made Coyote Off (like a repellant spray of some kind)

I said, "Sure. You can get it at the same place as Bear Off or Moose Off. They even have one for wild rabbits. It's called Jack Off."

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Stephen Branley
Community Member
4 months ago

Male rabbits are called bucks.

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#45

He talks so much he should go to On and On Anon

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SobyKay
Community Member
4 months ago

BAH!

#46

I shot an arrow a low hanging clouds, mist.

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Mary Rose Kent
Community Member
4 months ago

I think this would work better if you took out the comma and inserted the word “and” in its place

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#47

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

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Justin Patel
Community Member
4 months ago

Haha! This needs to be upvoted more

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#48

They were handing out brains, they thought they said grains and said no thank you.

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Stephen Branley
Community Member
4 months ago

I've always preferred "When they were giving out brains you thought they said milkshakes and asked for a thick one"

#49

I don't have a dog in this hunt.

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#50

It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.

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#51

I'd rather be resourceful, than smart. Aw heck! ... At my age, I'll take either.

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#52

Officer: Suspect is naked on the street.
Dispatch: Copy that
Officer: It's kinda cold

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Bella, Your Kitty-Loving Queen
Community Member
4 months ago

Haha!

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#53

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

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Mary Rose Kent
Community Member
4 months ago

Old and stale...sorry/not sorry

#54

Is it half price if I only look with one eye?

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#55

Yes, I was wrong once but I divorced him.

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Mary Rose Kent
Community Member
4 months ago

!!!

#56

- You have more fat cells than brain cells
- I'm not saying it's your fault, I'm just saying I blame you
- I never said you're stupid, I said you lack the ability to be smart

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Mary Rose Kent
Community Member
4 months ago

They get stronger as you go down the list

#57

I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.

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#58

When entitled people ask "Do you know who my father is?"... "No, but ask your mother there's a slim chance she may remember."

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Jo87
Community Member
3 months ago

Oh damn

#59

Not mine, well, Phoebe Buffay's- Oh! I wish could but I don't want to.

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#60

There are two kinds of people in this world. One, those who can form logical conclusions based on limited data.

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Stephen Branley
Community Member
4 months ago

I prefer "Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data"

#61

The ability to speak does not make you intelligent

- Qui Gon Jinn

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#62

Your gene pool could use some chlorine.

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#63

You can't cure stupidity but you can sedate it

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David Roquemore
Community Member
4 months ago

Define stupidity.

#64

Person 1: "I'm afraid of the 15th, 9th, and 3rd letters of the alphabet." Person 2: "Oh, I see." Person 1: *faints*

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#65

You look good enough for an open casket funeral!

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#66

I hate mornings so much I sleep till noon

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Mary Rose Kent
Community Member
4 months ago

Truer words...

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#67

Descartes walks into a restaurant. The waiter asked if he’d like wine with dinner. Descartes said “I don’t think” and disappeared.

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John Ballin
Community Member
4 months ago

I heard a slight variation on this joke, where the punchline is him saying, "I think not," but either way, I still find this one hilarious!

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#68

When arguing that I am right/always right: "I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken."

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#69

I'm leaving this world the same way I came into it: screaming and covered in somebody else's blood.

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#70

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.

The brilliant Tim Vine!

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SobyKay
Community Member
4 months ago

Oh my word did u get fired or demoted? 😆

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#71

A Roman walks into a bar, puts 2 fingers up and says "5 beers please"

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#72

A snake walked into a bar, the bartender asked "how did you do that?"

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#73

When I started working for this company, I was young and impoverished.
But after forty years of hard work and loyal service, I am no longer young.

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#74

Pardon me for talking while you were interrupting.

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#75

I stopped calling my toilet the John and started calling it the Jim. My friends are well impressed when I tell them I go the the Jim twice a day!
Seen in The Rotherham Bugle

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#76

I once heard my friend say “are you a coffin cause I’m dying to get inside of you” h actually got the girls number too.😂😂😂

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#77

On a Friday, say "Day five of the hostage situation"

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#78

Your incompetence is beginning to grow taxing...(I stole this from Underworld and have found it quite useful)

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#79

Give yourself a break do it since a perfect house isn't going to help our tired bodies only the eyes😁 (an advice I give my friends and mum a lot)

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Niall Mac Iomera
Community Member
4 months ago

what.

#80

Living and dying in Texas is redundant.

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#81

Why is a German stone intelligent?

Because its not just a stone, it's ein Stein

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#82

I would tell you a joke about noble gases but it wouldn’t get a reaction

What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can helium and you can’t curium you may as well barium

To people walked into a bar. One asked for h2o. The other asked for h2o too. He wasn’t specific enough. He promptly died. Knowledge is power kids. Yay. Long live the nerds.

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Iapetos
Community Member
4 months ago

The delivery of number 3 could use some polish.

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#83

I hate my social media accounts. I hope they blow up.

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Concept-Peter Roosdorp
Community Member
3 months ago

Why do you still have them then?

#84

You might be kind, but German children will always be kinder

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#85

"Do you live around here often?"

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#86

There is no "I" in team, but there is a "u" in F$#k you.

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#87

You go to an American bathroom and suddenly, you're a Russian. When you come out, you're Finnished

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#88

(someone commenting on a woman's practically theoretical dress) "I've seen more cotton in an aspirin bottle."

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#89

If you wake up and smell the roses chances are you’ve been buried alive.

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Concept-Peter Roosdorp
Community Member
3 months ago

Not really, most roses have very little smell, so you need to be very close to the flower in order to smell it at all.

#90

If some one says to me "Drive safely" I reply "I will drive as I want to"
Or "Sleep well" I reply " I will sleep as I want to"
All with a very serious and indignant face. :) Then I smile.

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Octavia Hansen
Community Member
4 months ago

I reply, "Now you've ruined it. I was gonna drive CRAZY!"

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#91

If someone is weareing a very bright or off beat shirt or shoes etc I always say " You can wear that shirt/shoes/tie etc with any thing" Then I pause to see how their face lights up and feel proud, then I reply the second part "Because it goes with nothing." :)

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Concept-Peter Roosdorp
Community Member
3 months ago

kinda makes you sound like an asshole. They think they get a compliment, but actually it's an insult.

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#92

A guy was so lazy that he got up at 3 am so he would be able to do nothing for a longer period of time.

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#93

We went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog there. It was a s**t zoo!

Everything is getting smaller or an inferior quality. Terry’s Chocolate Orange is now a chocolate satsuma.

Innuendo – an Italian enema.

We used to cough to hide a fart, now during covid we fart to hide a cough.

Those three little words to keep your wife happy – you’re right dear!

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Concept-Peter Roosdorp
Community Member
3 months ago

Let me guess, you define as a boomer agewise?

#94

Get someone else’s life -- yours is not working.

You ask if he had any enemies? Do you have a phone book?

Don’t be so open minded that your brains fall out!

A guy said he wanted to get into my pants.
Not possible, I said, there’s only room for one asshole and I’m it!

A guy said, “If you ain’t from Texas, you ain’t s**t.” I felt bad, but then wondered if I would have felt any better if he said I was s**t.

Have you been to Area 51? Not that I remember.

Customer at a drive thru window: Is Jack here?
Server: No, Jack’s off tonight.

Date said: I can’t tell you what I do for a living and then let you live.
Me: Well, can you hint at it and just beat me up?

Fired at the guy, missed his ear by 3” -- yup, got him right between the eyes.
I did fire a warning shot through his liver.

The car could stop on a dime. Unfortunately, the dime was in some guy’s pocket.

You look tired. Let me hold your wallet.

I am single by choice. You, however, are being rejected.

I’m really an asshole but this is my day off.

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Concept-Peter Roosdorp
Community Member
3 months ago

You are 100% american.

#95

I shoot in the low 70's, gets any colder than that, I don't go out.

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#96

How come you're late so soon? you used to be behind before but now you're finally first at last

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#97

Not me, but one of my friends. I was telling him about the time I went behind the bleachers and saw some clueless couple doing IT....and he said, "Would be good practice for when I'm an adult." It was two weeks ago. I'm 13 and he's 14.

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#98

Nothing is better than the best

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#99

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

- Groucho Marx

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#100

I encourage friends with this classic line from Rodney Dangerfield [google him]: "Look out for number one and try not to step in number two."

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#101

Tell me something I don't know about you.. Like you phone number

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#102

I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.

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#103

I’m an acquired taste, if you don’t like me, acquire some taste.

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#104

What makes you think evolution cares whether or not you believe in it.

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#105

Most people get mad when a sentence doesnt end like its potato

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#106

When they were handing out brains, you thought they said 'rain' and ran for the porch.

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#107

I almost went on America’s Got Talent until I realized I was the one that was supposed to have talent to go :-(

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#108

I went to the doctor. All he did was suck blood from my neck. Do not go see Dr. Acula ~ Mitch Hedberg

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#109

Eagles soar high, but weasles don't get stuck in jet engines.

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#110

I could only think of this one, though it was dumb.
What's up? - The sky (or the ceiling)

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Deanna Crichley
Community Member
4 months ago

When I ask my SO what's up? He always says 'a chicken's butt when she eats'.

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#111

Can I asked a question? You just did.

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#112

"not my circus, not my monkey"..........

or

"la-dee-frickin'-da"

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#113

Being a smart a$$ only proves that an a$$ can occasionally be intelligent.

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#114

Half the population is below average intelligence.

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#115

Context: Cop busted a guy for painting a guy red and blowing up his house

"Unless you wanna see if your blood is tuscan red, I'd recommend you stay put."

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#116

How you Doing?
"I'm doing as I please!"

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#117

Have ya ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight ?!!?

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#118

Hey buddy you got a match?

Yes, your face and my bum.

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Octavia Hansen
Community Member
4 months ago

I had an art director who would hold up his two thumbs.

#119

A seal walked into a club.

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Community Member
2 months ago

...

#120

I live on a ranch. This means I know the difference between horse s**t and bull s**t.
This place is a powder keg and these people are a match away.
When I look at you, I think, THATS the sperm that won?
You are what happens when there is no life guard at the gene pool.
Some people are young and foolish, at least you still have foolish.
Till I spoke to you I didn’t know stupid was a career option.


( These are just a few off the top of my head. I was born and raised in NJ. Sarcasm is our Kung Fu … and it is strong grasshoppers. )

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Concept-Peter Roosdorp
Community Member
3 months ago

Irony is claiming kung fu sarcasm and getting -3 upvotes and ranked 120.

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#121

A dwarf prisoner escaped becoming a Small Medium at Large

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Bettye McKee
Community Member
4 months ago

A midget fortune-teller

#122

Is must be hard going through life being so nasty all the time.

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#123

-You are absotively, posolutely correct because pobody's nerfect!
-Huked on fonics werked fer mee
-How about a department of common sense?
-The beatings will continue until morale improves
-The bureaucracy will expand to meet the needs of the expanding bureaucracy!
-What is the first law of a bureaucracy? Survival.
-Department of redundancy department.
-That boy is about as sharp as a bag of wet mice!

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Kim Steffen
Community Member
4 months ago

You wouldn't like it. I just lie there.

#124

[someone saying f*ck you]
me: you would want to wouldnt you?

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Concept-Peter Roosdorp
Community Member
3 months ago

I respond with "Is that a threat or an offer?"

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#125

I always lie

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