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Hey Pandas, What’s Something You Resent Your Parents For That You Told Yourself You Would Never Do If You Became A Parent? (Closed)
We all have baggage from childhood. Even in the best of circumstances our parents have messed up a little bit in the way they handled certain situations or in the values or beliefs they forced upon us. More and more I hear people say they love their parents, but they don't like them. There's a need to be connected to them even when they're horrible people. In some cases real abuse or neglect can take place. Sometimes they simply weren't there. What types of things did your parents do to make you say, 'I'm never going to do this to my kids." Or, moreover, what behavior did they express that made you resent them, even if you don't express it to them.
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Not letting them get help when they need it.
My parents did that all the time, and my depression grew worse to the point where I had over 10-14 suicide attempts by the time I was 17. I had other problems too, that they ignored. Was hurt a lot by other people and bullied too but my parents didn't care one bit. For any future children I might have, I want to make sure they get help if they need it.
This would apply only to my father because my mother died when I was eight years old. There's so much to choose from.
My father often told me the most ridiculous lies to manipulate me. Even as a kid I knew it was nonsense. I swore to myself that I would never lie to any children I might have.
I have one daughter and I've never lied to her. If I didn't want to answer a question, I told her the truth--that I didn't want to answer it. I didn't make up a stupid story.
Never smoking around my kids.
I do not want to have children nor I smoke but if i did I would never do that. My mother smoked through her pregnancy with me and all through my childhood. I cannot help but wonder how many of my illneses are caused by this. Even now when I have bad asthma she still wants to smoke around me, if you tell her no she goes away angry.
My parents smoked not only around me but back then it was just acceptable to smoke everywhere. I remember being in our station wagon with the windows up and it was like a fog bank of smoke in the car. They smoked almost my whole life. I think it's pretty standard to not smoke like that with your kids anymore but I still see it. I find with pot now... I see people smoking pot in front of their kids and it just drives me crazy. I know it's not something that's considered a real drug or illegal anymore but it's still promoting being 'altered' in some way. And it's also a learned behavior. So there's a chance of people normalizing it to their kids. It's also super expensive. I see people complaining about who can't pay their rent but they always have weed. Doing this in front of your kids just promotes the idea that it's something you should get into and now they're doing it, too. Cigarettes or weed...it's an expensive habit.
Focusing on the child's achievements instead of focusing on how they feel. Just don't do it. ESPECIALLY if the child's considered "gifted."
Yeah, I would try to make sure they are okay rather than getting good grades
Not instilling in me a sense of belonging to the place I was born and raised. I just can’t relate to locals no matter how hard I try, I don’t get their language and culture, and my parents know little to nothing either, which set me up for countless difficulties in the future, namely in the social aspect. I’d rather speak their language and not be treated as a foreigner (I lived here all my life), and yet I know little to nothing. And because I don’t go out of my way to talk to others I have no friends, which means no opportunities to practise and so on.
The solution is easier said AND done: I just won’t have kids. I can’t pass my suffering onto another person. No one deserves to be in my place.
I don’t have (and don’t want) children, but I have two nephews and I would never tell them how bad my childhood was because of their dearly beloved grandparents (my parents of course, who were abusive and manipulative).
When I was a child, my mother kept telling me what a horrible mother my dear grandmother (Oma) had been and made me feel guilty and in the wrong for loving her. Something like this is a conflict no child should have to deal with.
My mother is obviously the same as my grandmother was: Not a good Mama, but a good Oma and I am happy for my nephews that they can enjoy their grandmother‘s company without constantly having to think they‘re doing something wrong.
*maniacal laughter* Where do I start?!
I would love my child no matter who they are, first of all. I wouldn't tell them they'll "end up pregnant by 16" if they start dating at 15, I wouldn't doubt them if they said they were something other than their AGAB, I wouldn't hit or scream at them... I would encourage their dreams even if they talk about them ALL THE TIME like I did, and I would NEVER say that they'd sooner end up addicted to drugs or pregnant 'like your sisters' for wanting to go to college....
Constantly going through my text messages. Texts, emails, discord, all of it.
I will never ever invade my kid’s privacy like that, unless I seriously suspect something is wrong. And I would hope that I’m an open enough parent that my kid would tell me about something like that, before anything would even be concerning enough to warrant investigation.
I still feel guilty for going through my sister's ipad when she was about 16 (about 7 years ago) but I was worried about her and found out she was cutting because she mentioned it to a friend on messenger. It goes against my beliefs of respecting people's privacy but I hope being able to get her help makes up for it.
Two things. (1) Rules were never explained. It was just because I said so. All it did was make me want to rebel even more. I always vowed that I would have conversations with my kids about the why behind the rules and guidelines. (2) Sadness was not handled well. When I would openly sob over something, my dad told me to stop being dramatic, and my mom would immediately make it all about her. I was never allowed to grieve in my own way. Overall, they were really wonderful parents. But I'm doing my best to do these two things very differently with my children. However, I know I'm going to make all kinds of mistakes of my own as a parent. My husband and I always joke that we won't repeat our parents mistakes; we'll mess up our kids in our own totally unique ways. ;D
I really hate it when parents just say 'because I said so'. Children are much more likely to follow instructions if they know why things are being asked.
I would never let my kids (if I have any) have a phone around age 9-13, when my parents gave me one, I got into all sorts of trouble and inappropriate things that I would never want my child or anyone else's child to see.
I would never inhibit their growth by being controlling. I would let them play, get hurt, and get back up again. Because if you don't fall, you'll never know how to get back up again (applies to everything, school, e.t.c)...]
However, I would never just leave them if help is evidently needed lol
'Risky play' is so important for children's development. They need to test boundaries in a safe way to build resilience and learn from it.
My parents don’t let me hang out with any of my friends unless they personally know their parents. They change rules constantly, for instance: they said “dating age is 16,” and i wasn’t planning on rushing into anything but i met this really sweet guy and he’s done nothing but respect my boundaries and my parents. they then and only then decided “you can’t date til your 18.” No reason, no explanation, nothing. He’s the nicest guy and has done nothing close to wrong to me or my parents or my family. And now because I can’t date for another year and a half it’s created some complicated emotional issues between us because I cut it down to just being friends cause I didn’t wanna be in an awkward past friend stage for that long.
That’s the least of my problems.
So, when I have a kid: im gonna let them go out with friends and learn from their mistakes, im gonna teach them southern manners and to say “sir” and “ma’am,” i’m going to be there for them and pay attention to how they really feel (i was depressed for 6 years), im NOT going to make them feel like they aren’t good enough, im NOT going to make them feel like they’re being compared to someone else, im NOT going to let them argue with each other. I’m going to teach them right from wrong, love from hate, and so much more that I wish I could have been taught instead of having to learn or find from the hard way.
Two things. (1) Rules were never explained. It was just because I said so. All it did was make me want to rebel even more. I always vowed that I would have conversations with my kids about the why behind the rules and guidelines. (2) Sadness was not handled well. When I would openly sob over something, my dad told me to stop being dramatic, and my mom would immediately make it all about her. I was never allowed to grieve in my own way. I'm doing my best to do these two things very differently with my children. However, I know I'm going to make all kinds of mistakes of my own as a parent. My husband and I always joke that we won't repeat our parents mistakes; we'll mess up our kids in our own totally unique ways. ;D
lowkey manipulation. i'll never put my possible future kids through that.
Two things. (1) Rules were never explained. It was just because I said so. All it did was make me want to rebel even more. I always vowed that I would have conversations with my kids about the why behind the rules and guidelines. (2) Sadness was not handled well. When I would openly sob over something, my dad told me to stop being dramatic, and my mom would immediately make it all about her. I was never allowed to grieve in my own way. I'm doing my best to do these two things very differently with my children. However, I know I'm going to make all kinds of mistakes of my own as a parent. My husband and I always joke that we won't repeat our parents mistakes; we'll mess up our kids in our own totally unique ways. ;D
lowkey manipulation. i'll never put my possible future kids through that.
