What was the biggest red flag in your past relationships?

#1

when he would take the spark plugs out of my car so I could not drive anywhere

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Doggo Froggo
Community Member
6 months ago

Wow that's controlling. Glad you are rid of that

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#2

I used to live with a girl who was out of work, we agreed when she lost her job that she would "take care of the house" while I was at work and spend a little time job hunting. I didn't push the job hunting too much because I had enough disposable income to last a while. Not a lot needed doing but as I was working she would take care of the laundry, shopping, cooking etc.
About a month in I realised I hadn't received any post in a while, I asked her about it and she said that as she was in charge of running the house, she was organising the bills, etc so I didn't need to worry about them. It sort of made sense to me I didn't think anything of it.
We broke up a few months later, then I started the bills through... She had taken out credit cards in my name to ridiculous limits. I reported it as fraud and contacted the police. Sadly her mother was a better lawyer and I was on the hook for 30K. Took me years to pay it off.
I missed the red flag, so I'm sharing in the hope that others don't.

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AzKhaleesi
Community Member
6 months ago

ummm something is super wrong here because my fiance works CC fraud and I work LE, there's no way you would've been on the hook for that. Especially if you weren't married. This is very interesting and would love to know more details. Also if I were you I'd still fight it, I'd take her to court civilly.

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#3

The fact that I was 15 and he was 25

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YoChicken
Community Member
6 months ago

OH

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#4

Honestly, the biggest red flag in my first relationship was the mom of the dude. She was super clingy to her son and made sure I know I'm not good enough for him. She told me numerous times that his ex-girlfriend was much better and more wife material.
Once she brought me to the laundry room and showed me how he likes his socks washed and folded. I was and still am shooketh.
The guy was super spoiled and treated me like I was supposed to take care of him/make him food and wait on him hand and foot.

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Raine Soo
Community Member
6 months ago

You dodged two bullets right there: the dude and his mother.

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#5

I was on a facetime with him and his friend we were all playing COD together and he tells me to take off my headset and he mutes himself. He tells his friend something. The second he says i can put my headset back on his friend immediately said " TRINITY, (his name) said the only reason hes with you is cuz you have big (i feel so disgusted saying this so im not gonna say what he said) chest. Then he said also cuz you have a a**. That relationship ended right there. I still talk to his friend though.

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Sista of the moon
Community Member
6 months ago

Oh my god... he just liked you because you had big boobs and a large ass??? That’s sick. I’m so so sorry that happened. What a terrible thing

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#6

oh that's easy: ME. I was the biggest red flag in all of my past relationships, and I was the biggest reason for them being in the past. Lots of unchecked mental illness turned into a lot of passive-aggression, active manipulation, and harsh behaviors towards any, and all, of my past loves.

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AzKhaleesi
Community Member
6 months ago

Good for you for acknowledging it and (hopefully) getting help! Step in the right direction!

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#7

If the person does not let you talk to your friends and always blames their problems on you.

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Mama Panda
Community Member
6 months ago

Sounds like a person with NPD: Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Stay far, far, far away from those people. It never ends well.

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#8

Seems kind of trivial, but the first red flag with my ex-husband was when we first knew each other and were just friends. We had been to the library together and checked out a series of videos on my card (yes, VHS, it was a long time ago!). Weeks and months passed and he never returned them. I didn't get worked up about it at the time, but I think that kind of thing was a hint that he wasn't someone I could depend on.

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Qw3stion
Community Member
6 months ago

That is a hint! You're on the way to escaping the room!

#9

When I was younger, I'd met a few kids that lied in every sentence they told. I'm kinda dumb, but even I could tell they weren't telling the truth. Ever. I probably should've cut them out of my lives sooner, but I am the biggest people-pleaser that ever lived and need to be polite and try to make them happy at all times unless they did something really awful, so yeah, not an option for me at that time. They all eventually moved away, so that's how I got rid of them.

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Qw3stion
Community Member
6 months ago

Lies? Like "I married YOUR MOM"?

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#10

Set a date over the internet in 2006 I think to recall. The girl was a psychology student and tried all the date to psychoanalyze me. I was not a fan of that, but I play along nice. She told me she ended up a toxic relationship with a violent fella and she was happy to be off his hook. At the end of the date we agree for a second one next week. When I called her to set up the second date, she told me not to try to contact her again, ´cos she´s back with her boyfriend and he doesn´t want her to talk to anyone and then blocked me... Ok... Analyze that.

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Mama Panda
Community Member
6 months ago

He love bombed her. I don't meant that in a funny way either. There is a dynamic in abusive relationships where the abuser, who is typically a narcissist, "bombs" the victim with a lot of affection, love, tokens of love, etc that the victim doesn't stand a chance. It is a controlling mechanism used to continue to manipulate their victims. Manipulation is the #1 tool for Narcissists to continue their facade of how perfect they are and in relationships, they see themselves as the perfect lover. Victims don't see this until it's too late and unfortunately, your date is in this horrifying position. You can't blame her as she is being manipulated by a pro. If you care for her, try to get her help. She is being blinded in an abusive relationship. I know this is hard to understand, but you can't take it personally.

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#11

we lasted a year. his pet name for me (after several months of being together) was idiot, given to me after making a simple mistake that i’d made once and he’s made more than once. AND THATS WHY I STICK TO WOMEN

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Elish Janzen-Bender
Community Member
6 months ago

AMEN honey we lesbians gotta stick together

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#12

I never had a relationship with this guy but here's what happened: We were really close in 8th grade and we talked to eachother all the time over text (cuz corona and stuff) we never really saw eachother in person which led to him saying things that he NEVER would have said in real life. He had a big crush on me and would try and manipulate me out of liking other guys by saying "He doesn't like anyone" or "He doesn't care about you". He was a pretty toxic friend. So I cut him off and now he emails me at least once a week trying to get me to talk to him again. Ben, the answer will always be no.

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Definitely not a person
Community Member
6 months ago

Is it crazy that i hv basically almost the same exsact thing happening except he does like me? The dude has the same name too

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#13

First date with a beautiful girl. She spended the ENTIRE DATE speaking ´bout herself and her plans for life, which was all right, not a biggie for me at all. But when I tried to talk a little ´bout me, she cut me middle sentence saying that she doesn´t care ´bout me or my background in a very rude manner. I was tempted to leave her ther alone when I went to the WC, but I didn´t. Never called her back.

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Mama Panda
Community Member
6 months ago

Cool move handling it like a true gentleman. Never leave someone on a date at the restaurant or where ever you take the person. That is a shitty thing to do despite how much of an ass they are being (unless your safety is threatened, then leave them instantly). Be the bigger person because they will feel like s**t afterwards when they realize their mistake.

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#14

This is hard for me to answer but I was in a very abusive relationship for six years she would hit me push me around treat me like crap in front of her friends would talk crap about me behind my back to where every time I would meet somebody new they already hated me. She became non-sexual with me TMI but would touch me sexually but never would have sex with me after our third year together. We would be sexual flirtatious and lovey-dovey for the first 3 years of our relationship. Every time I would ask for affection rather holding hands cuddling anything like that I would get beat. She would always flirt sexually hardcore with other people right in front of me but never do anything to me.

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Tiredpossum
Community Member
6 months ago

I know how hard it is/was. Just know that you made it and that's what matters.

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#15

His place was a mess. We helped him clean up and pimp the decor, but it didn't work out in the end. Apparently, the list of red flags didn't stop there.

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Qw3stion
Community Member
6 months ago

Yeah messy people are not really good at relationships. (Ex. ME ;-;)

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#16

There are two exes that stand out to me;

1. The first red flag with my ex-fiancé was at a festival. We stopped by a stall selling Rugby products. There was a poster saying that we were not allowed to take photos. He took one anyway. When he was confronted, instead of just deleting the photo and apologizing, he became really angry. He caused a scene and I started to get really scared and uncomfortable. He did it more than once after I told him that it scared me.

2. In another relationship of mine a boyfriend pulled me aside in front of everyone by the arm and started yelling at me because he thought that I was different around his friends. I tried to deny it , but he just got more angry. No one wants to get into a fight in front of their friends. I also remember one time him calling me "Socially inapt" and that there was something wrong with me because I would not let him touch me under the duvet covers while we were watching movies with our friends.

So...For me a huge thing is anger issues.

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Rocio Palacios
Community Member
6 months ago

You dodged a couple of bullets there, good for you!

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#17

I was in one relationship and she constantly accused me of cheating on her. I never did. 20 years later, I found out SHE was cheating by one of the people she tried cheating on me with. Also, if they're constantly telling you what a great person they are, they are probably a Narcissist.

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Sarah O'Dwyer
Community Member
6 months ago (edited)

What if they do the whole "you'll never find someone like me"?

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#18

I dated someone who was so insecure because of his previous relationships, that he never even gave me a chance to prove I wasn't going to hurt him the same way. He did so many things during our time together, and we were together way longer than we should have been. The wildest thing that comes to mind is the time he left his Myspace signed in on his room mates office computer, knowing that I asked to get on it to check mine. When I got on, I honestly thought I was on my account and not his. I was in the messages section looking over them, confused because I didn't recognize anyone. I honestly didn't know what was going on. Then I realized what happened and I signed out and back into my account. He ended up starting a fight with me and I later found out that he was standing outside looking in through the window, watching what I was doing. He set me up to snoop, then when I accidentally did, he blamed me for not trusting him! I should have left him then, but I didn't. The last straw of him doing stuff like this was not long after we moved in together, and he got access to my phone records and called up a number that appeared on the bill tons of times. He called the number and a guy answered. What he didn't know was it was just someone I worked with that gave me rides to work since he lived really close by me. He said I was cheating but I definitely was not. There was no convincing him that I wasn't. He ended up throwing all my stuff into the dumpster while I was at work and kicking me out of our shared apartment. I had to leave work, get what stuff was left and not taken by neighbors from the dumpster, and my dad ended up paying him money to move out and leave me the apartment. Such a horrible horrible guy.

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Vivian eyler-werve
Community Member
6 months ago

the lesson I take from this is when the first flag pops up, get outta there before it gets worse.

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#19

I finally worked up the courage to tell him I was bi, and the first thing he said was “WHAT?” and he told me that he didn’t think I was “that kind of person.” He also thought that it meant I had a better chance of cheating on me.

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Rhianna Mayo
Community Member
6 months ago

I hate the myth about how bisexuality makes you more likely to cheat

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#20

I should have seen the red flags from the lying about small things, driving wedges between my family and friends, etc. By the end, he would fly into a rage if I didn't readjust the car seat, the mirrors, and the radio station to his liking. In MY car!

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Vivian eyler-werve
Community Member
6 months ago

hahaaa- yeah that's not something you want in a partner.

#21

He always hid his phone when I was around

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Vivian eyler-werve
Community Member
6 months ago

that's suspicious.

#22

One of my past bf was really rude and mean to his mom. If he couldn't cant treat his own mother well, how was he going to treat me?

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qwerty
Community Member
6 months ago

I once read a proverb, "A man's true personality lies in how he treats his mother." I guess it was true in your case.

#23

Ha! When I found out he had been smoking crack after noticing he'd all but stopped eating. I moved on, he fell fast - got arrested not long after for selling drugs in a school parking lot and went to prison for a while.

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Paul Budhram
Community Member
6 months ago

He deserved it

#24

He made me doubt myself with his passive aggressive attitude. It left me with the worst self confidence and anxiety.

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Little Panda Bear
Community Member
6 months ago

I hope you're okay. I don't really know much about relationships being young and all and having not dated. But I do know that the biggest red flag is when they make you feel like you're nothing or terrible. So glad you got out of that relationship. Best wishes.

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#25

this is with my neighbors
1. her mom was super mean to us and would make us do the chores around the house in order to play with them
2. they would hit their dog to the point where my mom saw the dog and got the police involved ( we have their dog now, her name is Luna and she has severe anxiety now)
3. my "friends" would yell at us for "doing something wrong"
4. her dad got arrested for trafficking

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#26

When he made me show my private area when I left the my razor out, from shaving my legs. As in “who are you getting ready for?!?!?”

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Pansexual-Pancake
Community Member
6 months ago

why did you let him tho

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#27

she would mimic my friends personality and hobbies and pretend it was a coincedince

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Vivian eyler-werve
Community Member
6 months ago

that person needs help. maybe next time you see it talk to your friends and tell them to act differently around them every day and see what happens. never know if that person is manipulating for a reason or just needs therapy and a friend.

#28

Oh boy.... i have too many... This might be long.But anyways:

1: i had a friend in 3rd grade (Lets call her karen because she was one) she seemed VERy friendly at first, but don't always believe what you see. Because i was a bit naive and gullible back then, she bent me to her will. I started hating her, and was afriad of going to school. I attemped (And acutally could have died, i was THAT close) suicide because of her, and she made me do horrible things i do not feel comfortable talking about. We broke up, she still harasses me today, but we''re not actually together. choose your friends wisely, by what they do, not what they say. Actions speak louder than words

2: this happens everyday, but online in video games people send a friend request to me just because i have valuble items in the game, or are on a high level. That is SO juvinile.

3: People in my 4th grade class wanted to be friends with me just because i had nice hair. Like come on, seriously?!
'
Those are mine. The rest i want to keep private.

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Trinity
Community Member
6 months ago

ok the second one though. I play COD. And Ig i sound like a 15 y.o cuz when i play i get a bunch of friend requests from teen boys asking for my number or snap (which i dont even have).

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#29

He never washed his hands after going to the bathroom

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Talayah Gordon
Community Member
6 months ago

my papa does dat

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#30

Cheatin!!!!!!!!!

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#31

His 4 previous less than 6 year relationships (3 marriages) and when he asked me to marry him after the first year, I said, lets wait til we make it past 6 years. He ended it at 5 years 11 months and 1 week. Should have seen that one coming.

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#32

Husband No. 1: While we were dating, he said he'd always pictured himself marrying a "ditzy" girl. I was young and naive and didn't realize until much later that he meant someone easy to control and manipulate who would think everything he did was great. He was pretty arrogant and liked to think he was smarter than everyone around him.
Husband No. 2: Literally every single thing about him, but probably the first red flag should've been that I met him the week he got out of prison. :/ He was sober for a while but then relapsed, and not long after we split, he died of an OD. Even without the addiction issues, he had about a trillion horrible personality traits and was very verbally abusive. I still, to this day, have no idea why I was with him for so long.

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Ziva Kravdahl
Community Member
6 months ago

...why are you getting married like is something you do instead of talking. You just meet new person and getting married?

#33

I have 2 different guys:

Okay. So I told one guy that I might be moving. He then told me, "Things are good now, but when that time comes we should probably break up." I thought that he might have trust issues from past relationships and I think I might cheat on him. So I told him, "I'm not a cheater, I wouldn't ever cheat on you just know that. Please trust me." He responded with,
"Oh I trust you, I just don't trust myself to stay loyal."

Another guy would get mad at me every single day. He would stalk who I was following on Instagram and who was following me. He came across one of my friends that was a guy. See, my friend had just got broken up with and was trying to show he was available, so the only picture he had posted was him with his shirt off. Mind you, I had been following him before that picture and before he got broken up with, so I didn't follow him because of that. I followed him because we've been friends for years. So my boyfriend at the time SENDS ME A SCREENSHOT OF THE POST AND THEN CONTINUES TO ACCUSE ME OF FINDING HIM ATTRACTIVE. Like um no, if I had found him attractive I would've made a move on him years ago. My boyfriend at the time continued to get mad at me for talking to my guy friends, and I only had like 2. Yet, I never got mad when he had his girl best friend over to his house. So frustrating.

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Community Member
6 months ago

*He think I might cheat on him

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#34

I didn't date him but I helped a friend move house and found a box of multiple passports all with different names, date of births etc. Confronted him and was told to mind my own business. Never spoke to him again, so many questions.

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#35

1. He was one of my housemates.
2. He was seeing someone else and would crawl into bed and tell me all about it like we were bros.
3. He was my first.
4. We went to all of each other’s family gatherings and he always introduced himself as my friend while acting non-platonically.
5. He talked about me sexually at dinner with his bosses and coworkers - while I was sitting next to him.
6. He refused to label it a relationship but would talk about how we would just end up being common-law spouses. He even took such steps as adding me to his bank accounts. I didn’t ask him to and I never used them in any way.

Don’t ask me why I just took this kind of treatment, I have no idea and it’s certainly not who I am now.

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#36

well where do i start i dated this guy on and of for a few months we broke up like 5 6 times the biggest red flag for me was he made me meet his mom and sister the first day we started dating then he outed me to my parents about being a lesbian and said he was hurt i traded him for a female

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Vivian eyler-werve
Community Member
6 months ago

that's never ok. ever. give him the boot if he trys again.

#37

it was a first date of sorts. we were standing around in a bar (double date kind of thing), joking around. he said something kind of rude. gave him a punch in the arm. i stand at 5 feet half inch. he was well over 6 feet, and had at least 50 lbs on me. he punched me back so hard he bruised my muscle. could not move my arm. never saw he again after that.

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#38

I hosted a friend for 4-5 days as they were attending part-time education in my city. During that time, we didn't have dinner or drinks together even once because they would go out with classmates every evening.
That was the first red flag.
Still, during the following weeks, I pinged them a couple of times asking if they would be back in town soon. After one month of ghosting, I told them they were not welcome anymore.

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#39

A big red flag came from one guy I chatted up from a dating site told me on our first official phone call (to set up a date) that he wasn’t comfortable with the fact that I had guy friends... which were 95% of my friend circle. I immediately told him it wouldn’t work and hung up. But the worst red flag that I got and let go of, was from a guy I dated back in college who told me before we got together that he cheated on his last girlfriend, but he felt terrible about it and wouldn’t do that again (red flag) after he cheated on me (and told me that he didn’t think I loved him- i.e. I didn’t sleep with him in the 3 weeks we were together) and we split, we somehow became friends again and when he was single... after cheating on two further girlfriends. He complained to me about how lonely he was and then nodded his head in the direction of his bed (red flag confirmed). Although not mutually exclusive, he confused sex for love and in the end was kicked out and banned from campus and subsequently arrested for sexual assault. I dodged a bullet, but I wish I had recognized the biggest red flags to have saved many young girls from his predatory horribleness.

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#40

My ex wanted to do something in the bedroom that I didn’t. He insisted and basically said ‘I’m doing it’ until I said ok fine whatever. Wish I had insisted to this day! He proceeded to hurt me quite badly by not using lubricant. I managed to get him to stop but it was traumatic af. Next day I was in a lot of pain and couldn’t sit down, he laughed and made fun of me, incapable of understanding that what he had done had legitimately caused me extreme physical pain. I was a dumbass for staying with him another two and a half years. It was my first relationship and I didn’t know better I suppose. He did a bunch of other shitty things and owes me A LOT of money. I know better now.

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#41

He said I was being “too girly” that I should tone it down.... Lmao I don’t even like shopping or doing my nails XD

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#42

When he signed a Valentine's Day card with "Regards"

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Star
Community Member
6 months ago

Isn’t that polite? Depends on how long you were together, but maybe he was too nervous to write “love”

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#43

She wouldn't tell me her last name.

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#44

I recently broke up cuz he called me a favor and a retard and told me to go to hell PUT A PIC OF A PRIDE FLAG BURNING and called me an alien SAID DONALD TRUMP 2021(like wtf)
then said he was sorry and did it outta boredom

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Nora the mistake 0_o
Community Member
6 months ago

heheh where dose this guy live i just wanna show him how strong we "aliens" are =)

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