From any book out there, but try and keep it clean.
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"This place is huge," Frank reported. "The ruins stretch from the river to the base of that mountain over there, about half a kilometer."
"How far is that in regular measurements?" Percy asked.
Frank rolled his eyes. "That is a regular measurement in Canada and the rest of the world. Only you Americans-"
"About five or six football fields," Hazel interceded, feeding Arion a big chunk of gold.
Percy spread his hands. "That's all you needed to say."
Percy Jackson: The Blood Of Olympus
“Let us find the dam snack bar," Zoe said. "We should eat while we can."
Grover cracked a smile. "The dam snack bar?"
Zoe blinked. "Yes. What is funny?"
"Nothing," Grover said, trying to keep a straight face. "I could use some dam french fries."
Even Thalia smiled at that. "And I need to use the dam restroom."
...
I started cracking up, and Thalia and Grover joined in, while Zoe just looked at me. "I do not understand."
"I want to use the dam water fountain," Grover said.
"And..." Thalia tried to catch her breath. "I want to buy a dam t-shirt.”
Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Titan's Curse
I present to you a selection of the funniest Harry Potter quotes:
“Aaaaah,” said Ron, imitating Professor Trelawney’s mystical whisper, “when two Neptunes appear in the sky, it is a sure sign that a midget in glasses is being born, Harry…”
He lowered his voice to Goyle’s low grunt and, screwing up his face in a look of pained concentration, mimed writing in midair. “I…must…not…look…like…a…baboon’s…backside…”
“Don’t the boys know that’s what you mum calls you?”
“Shut your face.”
“You don’t tell her to shut her face. What about ‘Popkin’ and ‘Dinky Diddydums,’ can I use them then?”
“I – I didn’t think -”
“That,” said Professor McGonagall, “is obvious.”
‘Hello, Hagrid, tell us, have you been setting anything mad and hairy loose in the castle lately?’’’
“Why’re you staring at the hedge?” he said suspiciously.
“I’m trying to decide what would be the best spell to set it on fire,” said Harry.
Dudley stumbled backward at once, a look of panic on his fat face.
“You c-can’t – Dad told me you’re not to do m-magic – he said he’ll chuck you out of the house – and you haven’t got anywhere else to go – you haven’t got any friends to take you -”
“Jiggery pokery!” said Harry in a fierce voice. “Hocus pocus – squiggly wiggly –”
“You haven’t got a letter on yours,” George observed. “I suppose she thinks you don’t forget your name. But we’re not stupid – we know we’re called Gred and Forge.”
“Oh, are you a Prefect, Percy?” said one of the twins, with an air of great surprise. “You should have said something, we had no idea.”
“Hang on, I think I remember him saying something about it,” said the other twin. “Once -”
“Or twice -”
“A minute -”
“All summer -”
“Just because you’ve got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn’t mean we all have,” said Hermione nastily
Oh I missed one on a sign: "Why are you worried about You-Know-Who? You should be worried about U-NO-POO! The constipation sensation that's gripping the nation" . And also "Oh, very good," interrupted Snape, his lip curling. "Yes, it is easy to see that nearly six years of magical education have not been wasted on you, Potter. 'Ghosts are transparent.'
"She spoke with the air of an old warrior who had been through so many battles that bravery had become commonplace."
I read that book when I was six and still remember that exact quote
