Relationships form a huge part of our lives; nobody wants to waste precious years unhappy and unfulfilled with the wrong partner. It is understandable then when some of us enter new relationships with a slightly pessimistic outlook; on the lookout for relationship red flags and telltale signs that this person is simply not the one. Better to be safe than sorry, right?
Image credits: Mireyaz02 (not the actual photo)
As an antidote to this negativity, Tumblr user Lois Jones, who goes under the username thepassioncrisis, decided to turn things around and see things from a more optimistic perspective. She started a wholesome and interesting discussion about all the good things to look out for in a potential partner-for-life, as people listed their ‘green flags’ of a healthy relationship.
Because we all have our own needs and desires, the dating advice was wide-ranging. From tongue-in-cheek quips about portion sizes at dinner to more insightful comments about the importance of communication in any long-term relationship, these responses show the kind of things that we value in our partners, and give us a wake-up call as to what we could be doing better for each other!
Lois herself was thrilled with the positive response to her post. “I love that I’m able to reach such a wide audience and foster debate about how to recognize healthy relationships,” she told Bored Panda. “It’s especially important to me that young people are able to recognize good relationships and not just toxic ones.”
“I’m in a loving, polyamorish relationship, so the green flags I talk about are quite personal to me and very important in my life. I’ve actually had a couple of polyamory blogs talk about my post positively, which definitely made my heart sing!”
Lois, 18, is also a poet and aspiring novelist, she loves to be able to touch people’s lives through her writing. “I love writing about relationships in all their forms,” she told us. “To be able to spread positive messages about love to such a wide audience would be an absolute dream!”
Lois is publishing her first book this summer titled Seasonal Shifts. For more info about her work, you can check out her writing blog here.
What do you think? Do you have any dating tips to add to the list? Do you notice and appreciate the ‘green flags’ that you see in your significant other? Let us know your thoughts in the comments!
Despite the positivism, this posting overlooks that reality is much more complex. Abusive people with narcistic tendencies might make you feel like there are all "green" signs, and even make you blame yourself for possible "red" ones. Moreover, serious self-doubt might hamper one's ability to receive the "green" signals someone is sending.
while I agree that the above behavior can be used to manipulate on a limited scale narcissists and sociopaths generally do not do the things that are listed above.
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My first "green flag" with my husband was the way he played with his dog - all out, hands and knees on the ground, obviously the dog's favorite person and both of them having the best time in the world. He's always incredibly kind to animals and is the kind of person who stops to help turtles across the road. I always consider meanness/apathy toward animals to be a major red flag. I ignored it once in a friend, only to slowly realize she was a terrible person and cut her out of my life after knowing her for almost ten years and being a bridesmaid for her.
My first major green flag was when he first invited me to a dinner at his (parents) place : he cooked a terrific meal (still does, but that's not the point I'm talking about), and over the dinner, told me that with his professional possibilities, he could very well ask for a position near my hometown instead of his. (we met on an Internet discussion forum and lived 135 km apart.) This proposal, on our first private indoors date, was more commitment to a relationship than what my ex had ever shown to me in five and half years... I was stunned and thought "Wow, this guy really means it !" He was sweet 22 at that time, me 25, and I just knew this one was The One. Committed, responsible, but also funny and tenderly loving. We've been together 18 years now and about to get married next month :-)
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Me reading this even though I'm a single Pringle and have no interest in dating: "hmm"
Don't be a turd, Twicerice. I think 'single pringle' is great :)
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For those who grew up in abusive environments, or with an adult who had no other good adult relationships, be they friendships or romantic ones, this list is useful. It took years of trial and error and I went through a lot to learn how to communicate properly, that I was perfectly free to reject someone even if they were interested in me, and how to let someone go when a relationship has run its course. I learned none of that growing up (e.g. I was told that men want to eat, sleep and have sex, and to expect nothing more from them, but would have to take whoever wanted me because men are more powerful. Note: That's A BAD SET OF LESSONS. I was terrified of men for decades based on the assumptions I made as a kid from those lessons). I think children need a life skills curriculum, starting as early as pre-school or kindergarten, to learn how to communicate and have real, non-exploitative relationships with people. There will always be sociopaths, but let's help the most people we can.
it's a sad time when you need to put down just logical things to do in relation
I agree, but if we only talk about the bad things, that will create a general phobia and distrust in one another. Bad things need be told for safety, but good things need be praised to be kept alive.
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My husband does all these things, and a whole lot more. I am a very, very lucky person indeed.
I grew up to happily married parents. Best proof their relationship was still going strong after all those years? Not the jewelry my father gifted to my mother. It was the constant, exasperating fights at dinner: "Oh, I'm full, you can have the last bit (because I know you like it!)." - "No, I'm good. You can take it." - "I'm serious, you can have it!" - "No, please take it yourself, I don't want it" ad infinitum...
My husband (now in our 15th year!) is the first man to ever apologize to me when he was wrong. He has taught me a lot about mental health, happiness, and contentment.
This certainly applies to both men *and* women. A couple of them could've been worded slightly differently. Like, 'stops doing things you say make you uncomfortable', that entirely depends on what it is that's making them uncomfortable. If it's being too touchy feely but you don't want to do it at the time, that's understandable but if it's something like, purely for example, how they hold cutlery, that's a bit of an overreaction. 400 years ago, when I was 20, I was in an incredibly abusive relationship and all logic went out the window. Something like this would be great for people in similar situations, it acknowledges those sorts of behaviours are not what relationships are meant to be like.
Mine was our first official date, we talked for hours and had a laugh but there was a point in our conversation that despite him not agreeing with what i thought he simply said 'it's amazing how passionate you are over the things that are important to you' - it doesn't sound a lot but to this day we may disagree on things but he's always respected my opinions, just as i do for him.
"Helps with household duties"?!?!?! Whose DUTIES? Try using words that won't suggest that housekeeping is somebody's duty and that the other person is a nice person if they are willing to HELP. "Participates in living space maintenance" perhaps. Or put it more lyrically it's up to you. But the point is: SHARING instead of HELPING, and avoid the word DUTY
Duty as in "human duty". You live there, it's your duty to maintain it.... Thought it was obvious...? It's okay, we all have those moments, I guess.
Load More Replies... Despite the positivism, this posting overlooks that reality is much more complex. Abusive people with narcistic tendencies might make you feel like there are all "green" signs, and even make you blame yourself for possible "red" ones. Moreover, serious self-doubt might hamper one's ability to receive the "green" signals someone is sending.
while I agree that the above behavior can be used to manipulate on a limited scale narcissists and sociopaths generally do not do the things that are listed above.
Load More Replies... My first "green flag" with my husband was the way he played with his dog - all out, hands and knees on the ground, obviously the dog's favorite person and both of them having the best time in the world. He's always incredibly kind to animals and is the kind of person who stops to help turtles across the road. I always consider meanness/apathy toward animals to be a major red flag. I ignored it once in a friend, only to slowly realize she was a terrible person and cut her out of my life after knowing her for almost ten years and being a bridesmaid for her.
My first major green flag was when he first invited me to a dinner at his (parents) place : he cooked a terrific meal (still does, but that's not the point I'm talking about), and over the dinner, told me that with his professional possibilities, he could very well ask for a position near my hometown instead of his. (we met on an Internet discussion forum and lived 135 km apart.) This proposal, on our first private indoors date, was more commitment to a relationship than what my ex had ever shown to me in five and half years... I was stunned and thought "Wow, this guy really means it !" He was sweet 22 at that time, me 25, and I just knew this one was The One. Committed, responsible, but also funny and tenderly loving. We've been together 18 years now and about to get married next month :-)
Load More Replies... Me reading this even though I'm a single Pringle and have no interest in dating: "hmm"
Don't be a turd, Twicerice. I think 'single pringle' is great :)
Load More Replies... For those who grew up in abusive environments, or with an adult who had no other good adult relationships, be they friendships or romantic ones, this list is useful. It took years of trial and error and I went through a lot to learn how to communicate properly, that I was perfectly free to reject someone even if they were interested in me, and how to let someone go when a relationship has run its course. I learned none of that growing up (e.g. I was told that men want to eat, sleep and have sex, and to expect nothing more from them, but would have to take whoever wanted me because men are more powerful. Note: That's A BAD SET OF LESSONS. I was terrified of men for decades based on the assumptions I made as a kid from those lessons). I think children need a life skills curriculum, starting as early as pre-school or kindergarten, to learn how to communicate and have real, non-exploitative relationships with people. There will always be sociopaths, but let's help the most people we can.
it's a sad time when you need to put down just logical things to do in relation
I agree, but if we only talk about the bad things, that will create a general phobia and distrust in one another. Bad things need be told for safety, but good things need be praised to be kept alive.
Load More Replies... My husband does all these things, and a whole lot more. I am a very, very lucky person indeed.
I grew up to happily married parents. Best proof their relationship was still going strong after all those years? Not the jewelry my father gifted to my mother. It was the constant, exasperating fights at dinner: "Oh, I'm full, you can have the last bit (because I know you like it!)." - "No, I'm good. You can take it." - "I'm serious, you can have it!" - "No, please take it yourself, I don't want it" ad infinitum...
My husband (now in our 15th year!) is the first man to ever apologize to me when he was wrong. He has taught me a lot about mental health, happiness, and contentment.
This certainly applies to both men *and* women. A couple of them could've been worded slightly differently. Like, 'stops doing things you say make you uncomfortable', that entirely depends on what it is that's making them uncomfortable. If it's being too touchy feely but you don't want to do it at the time, that's understandable but if it's something like, purely for example, how they hold cutlery, that's a bit of an overreaction. 400 years ago, when I was 20, I was in an incredibly abusive relationship and all logic went out the window. Something like this would be great for people in similar situations, it acknowledges those sorts of behaviours are not what relationships are meant to be like.
Mine was our first official date, we talked for hours and had a laugh but there was a point in our conversation that despite him not agreeing with what i thought he simply said 'it's amazing how passionate you are over the things that are important to you' - it doesn't sound a lot but to this day we may disagree on things but he's always respected my opinions, just as i do for him.
"Helps with household duties"?!?!?! Whose DUTIES? Try using words that won't suggest that housekeeping is somebody's duty and that the other person is a nice person if they are willing to HELP. "Participates in living space maintenance" perhaps. Or put it more lyrically it's up to you. But the point is: SHARING instead of HELPING, and avoid the word DUTY
Duty as in "human duty". You live there, it's your duty to maintain it.... Thought it was obvious...? It's okay, we all have those moments, I guess.
Load More Replies...
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