Shame can be both productive and toxic, there’s no doubt about it. It may make us lift our rears and get things done, and sometimes we all need that extra push of “I am gonna show ‘em all.’’ But the truth is, people can get real nosy and may want to get into stuff that has little to do with their business.
So when Redditor u/Dodongicepick posed a question “What is a healthy behavior that people shame others for?” on r/AskReddit, it seems like it really hit a soft spot for many. People are now sharing all the eye-opening stuff that often becomes a target of undeserved criticism and it makes you wonder how on earth this has become the norm. Just let them live!
Below are the most interesting responses, so scroll through and be sure to share what you think of it in the comments section!
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Spending time alone. Seriously, you think me spending a week talking to nobody is the issue? How about the fact that you can't spend 5 minutes alone in fear of accidentally reflecting upon yourself?
Taking medication for depression. I have been in situations where I have sat and listened to people talking about how they would NEVER take medications. I have had depression since I was 8. 41 years of struggles and it is offensive and it hurts when people do that. F**k all of you for judging.
THIS!!!!! You wouldn't deprive one of their medications for diabetes or cancer, so why is it so talk down about taking mental illness medications. It an illness! Take care of yourself and forget about what others think. I wouldn't be here without my meds.
Choosing not to have kids if you don't feel like you'd be a good/happy parent or be able to support them (emotionally, mentally, financially, socially).
Like I don't think I really want kids because I don't think it would be good for me/I wouldn't be super happy as a mom.
I'm on my way to full financial stability but I won't even consider it until I'm there. My mom keeps pushing me to have a kid even though I still drive an 08 piece of shit, rent, and have $60k student loans. Like, I'm not there, my kid is gonna have to go without like I did and I personally don't want to actively try to have a kid so they can go without.
If I did change my mind, I would want to make sure they had a really fulfilling life. My mom had me because she wanted a kid. She got knocked up by a dude that didn't want me so I grew up without a dad. She was a poor, alcoholic. I grew up shit and hated most of my childhood. I don't want to be selfish like her and inflict that on a kid "just because I wanted a kid".
I un-upvoted this once, just so I could upvote it twice. Being able to acknowledge that you are not financially and emotionally willing to have a child is one of the smartest decisions you can make as an adult.
To find out more about why exactly some people tend to be more judgmental than others, we reached out to Dr. Lise Deguire, clinical psychologist and author of a multiple award-winning book “Flashback Girl: Lessons on Resilience From a Burn Survivor.”
“In my clinical experience, the people who are most judgmental towards others are secretly the most harshly judgmental towards themselves. Inside, these people are highly self-critical. It is no wonder, then, that they treat others the same way they treat themselves, critically and harshly. Frequently, when these people learn to be more loving and accepting towards themselves, they also become more tolerant and sympathetic towards others,” Dr. Lise explained.
Doing things that are normally thought of as social activities by yourself. Like eating at a restaurant, or going to a concert, play, or movie.
I am happy to do any of these things alone. I enjoy the downtime. It gives me time to enjoy me!!!
Being a fat person at the gym. They gotta start somewhere.
The clinical psychologist explained that people's judgment and criticism of us feels terrible, sometimes even devastating. “When this happens, the first thing to do is to notice your own pain and distress and to treat yourself kindly. It hurts, plain and simple. Having compassion for your pain will help you bear it.”
“Once you have recovered from the hurt of being judged, it is good to remember that anyone judging you that harshly is probably in a lot of pain themselves,” Lise said and added that awareness may help you to move beyond the hurt of the moment.
Talking to yourself.
it's a good way to problem solve or even just vent about something.
Estranging from toxic parents.
Most people that I meet that finds out I don't talk to my toxic mother feels entitled to know how exactly she is toxic so that they can either a) be sympathetic and understanding or b) shame me for not wanting to squash it all down "because she gave birth to me." Be person A. Let's stop pretending that it's unhealthy to hate someone on the basis of blood relation.
Not taking business calls after work hours, everyone should take Portugal’s example and pass some sort of law against it.
I don't pay attention to anything until I'm on the clock. Idc if I'm on my 15 unpaid break. Get back to me when I'm on the clock again. I had a supervisor try to berate me for shooing her away while I was on an unpaid and on a personal call. I wasn't having it.
Not forcing your kids to hug others. My distant relatives can be so butt hurt when my kid doesn’t want to hug them, but I’m not going to force my kid to hug someone.
As the mother of an autistic child, I can relate to this one. I would rather them be butt hurt than for my child to have a total meltdown.
Refusing unreasonable requests. Just saying "no" in general.
Being single. I had this horrible experience where I wanted to be single for a bit and also just wasn't meeting anyone I was really interested in. I was perfectly fine with not having a boyfriend but my friends hounded me about it constantly. Always asking me why I was single, telling me I was too picky, would show up to hangouts with men and ask me why I didn't go for it. Me saying I was fine with being single was never a good enough answer. So I started to feel self-conscious about being single, felt like I was under a microscope so if I did meet someone I felt uncomfortable having my friends cheering me on. I was young so I didn't know how to handle it so I just kind of dealt with it but it sucked. Let your single friends be single unless they are asking for your help, advice, and opinions.
In my experience, it is very good to be single in some period of life. I used that time to learn how to be alone, to learn about myself, concentrate on so many different things that were fulfilling and building me as the person I became today. I'm so greatful that I don't have to depend on anyone, I feel stable and my relationship of 8 years is much healthier, I think thanks to my "alone" period.
Grieving. People tell you to get over it because they're uncomfortable.
Choosing not to be religious at all, lacking the same religious intensity, or believing in a religion that the other person doesn't believe in.
I don't get why people care so much what other people's faiths are. It's nothing to everyone else.
Honestly, it depends. If you're not using your faith as an excuse to oppress, harm or shame others, then I'm perfectly happy to encourage diversity and say 'you do you'. If you ARE using your faith as an excuse to do those things, then *insert expletive of choice here*.
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That's such a taboo topic and it's so many people judge when a person isn't religious. I choose to be somewhere between agnostic and atheist and have had some crazy responses from people when they hear it. I agree with you. I believe a lot in science, but science doesn't always have an answer, so there are things beyond our understanding in the universe, but it doesn't mean it's something that needs worship. My opinion is that so many religions seem to focus on fighting over who's right and the stories have been changed so many times that the truth is lost. You are right.
According to Catholic teachings, "knowledge" is one of the 7 gifts from the Holy Spirit (a.k.a God). That leads me to believe that science is a gift from god given to us so that we could understand him better. If humans were created upon his image and ways, it's clear that god doesn't want to be misunderstood. Especially not in a way to harm others. As for the Bible, most of it is metaphoric anyway.
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Thankfully I grew up in a majority atheist environment and never met people like this.
I don't care what people believe. If it brings you peace, joy, and happiness more power to you. The moment someone uses those beliefs to attack or subjugate someone who doesn't believe the same, IT'S ON! F#@K THOSE PEOPLE!
So just rational then 🙂. However, if having faith works for you, then knock yourself out
Here's the thing. You can believe in the great pink unicorn for all I care but if you try to get me onboard, don't get pissed off when I pick your believes apart with logic.
I think this is a regional thing. Where I live there really not much pressure at all to be religious.
There’s also a lot of judgment of people who are religious — as if they’re all right-wing idiots.
I'm judgemental of folks who claim to "be" religious, but live their lives in a purely selfish and/or "everyone not like me is evil" kind of way. If you are a true Christian and live by the tenets of that faith (or any other legitimate non-extremist faith) I have respect for you and your choices. If you're simply a bigoted hateful a$$h@6, no matter what you call yourself, I'm judging /avoiding you for that.
Load More Replies... My parents have always been very indifferent towards religion, and it was never even mentioned at home. I had some vague belief as a kid, but gradually drifted towards being an atheist as I approached 20.
You're in Russia right? I find it fascinating that the church has come back there... almost like it never left. I mean the soviets tried to crush it, and failed. Really interesting social experiment.
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Or being religious. Mostly in higher sociacultural enviroments. I want to ask them: If I am good at my job, never discriminate anyone etc. why do you care? What is your purpose to shame me? How can you find a reason to insult me?
THIS! When I was in 5th grade, this girl I had been friends with for a while asked me to go to a church event with her, so I told her I wasn't religious and didn't go to church. She looked at me like an alien has just crawled out of my nose and flipped her off. There's nothing wrong with not being religious.
I can't stand it when people look and react like you just committed a murder in broad daylight just because you don't claim or practice a religion. Then they bible thump you to get you to cross over. Or say you're going to hell, how terrible of a person you are for being a non believer, and that nothing good will ever happen for you. Fu**off you organized religious tool.
Fun fact; Belief, as in the religious kind, might be more or less genetic.
Religions are created by man to promote an agenda and are therefore flawed. Believe what you want and celebrate it as you see fit. Most religions have some form of the 10 Commandments and that is all I need to use as a basis for my moral guide. Everything else is gobbledegook
I consider myself spiritual and don't adhere to any particular religion. When I was a kid, most of my friends were Catholic. At the time, my parents and I attended a Presbyterian church. One of my friends lived up the street and I used to go over there quite a bit. When her parents found out I was Presbyterian they wouldn't let me play with her anymore.
This one is super tricky. Many people take religion as such a core feature that if you criticise it they become mortally offended or shocked, and super angry. We have quite a big gap here. In the "white" community if you say you are not religious or dislike it, there's an awkward silence at best, or an attempt to bring you to the evangelical church (yes, we have that horror here). Generally, if the crowd are english-speaking, there's an awkward silence and change of topic. If the crowd is afrikaans (dutch) speaking, you are going to get lots of laying of hands and "I'll pray for you". Amongst the "black" community however there's more respect: generally you're met with great surprise followed by questions about why, as if this is such an unusual thing. A friend of mine told me that in the "township", the low-income areas, you are either in a gang or a church, from teenager age. I speak from direct socialising experience in both groups (Yes, segregation is a thing here).
I lost a lot of "friends" when I became a Christian. I'm better off without 'em, but it was sad and painful when it happened.
It is hard to deal with especially if you care for them. But remember they feel the same way about you: that you are somehow lost to them.
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I got laughed at by my brother and his wife during Thanksgiving when I said I was starting to diet. Like, I get it. I'm a fat guy. Unfortunately, I can exercise, but that's only half the battle. It actually really hurt my motivation, ngl.
Asking questions.
I always upvote people here when they ask a question. They're trying to become informed, and that's a good thing.
Being wrong. It's healthy to express opinions and ideas. When we shame people for being wrong, we tend to stop new conversations from happening. In this way, we lose opportunities to understand where others are coming from and squander opportunities to change minds. Further, we push all the wrong-headed people into groups where they can go nuts following their wrongness to its logical conclusion. Just stop humiliating people for holding opinions and having bad ideas. And remember everybody does.
Politely and respectfully expressing negativity. Bottling negative emotions just for the sake of “being positive” really eats you up over time.
Being slow to respond. I would rather respond correctly than quickly. Same for confidence level. If I am unsure it means I want to double-check. It seems more irresponsible to speak off the cuff. But I think the reality is that the fast talkers are rewarded more, even if they are wrong.
I have stopped answering messages immediately out of principle. I don't want to live in a world where I have to be available at all times.
Calling in for a mental health day. There’s no good option. You call out and make yourself look unreliable or you go to work unstable and make yourself look unstable.
Thank goodness I am fortunate enough to have mental health days that I can take when needed. Everyone could benefit from these days. Should be mandatory.
Walking away from an argument or tense situation. There’s no way I can have a proper and productive discussion if I’m wound up! I’d rather take a quick walk or have time to myself before I tackle the issue. A clear head is more important than figuring out a conflict quickly.
Human sexuality. All through high school my mom was all “stay away from boys! They only want one thing and they’ll say anything to get it! Don’t be one of those foolish girls who gets tricked and knocked up and has her life ruined!”
No parties. No dating. No makeup. I wasn’t even allowed to TALK about guys being cute without her side-eyeing me.
Then I go to college and halfway through freshman year she’s like “why don’t you have a bf? Get out there! Meet someone! Why aren’t you more social? And PUT SOME MAKEUP ON!”
She meant well but…it was very confusing.
To this day I’m shy around guys I like because of that woman.
Why can't you swim, after I refused to let you take swimming lessons for your entire childhood?!
My family doesn't think I should cook or clean and that my wife should do it all as it was in their dysfunctional marriages.
One of my colleagues immigrated from a place with rigid and traditional gender roles. She makes her kids (all boys) help around the house. It's partly out of principle, but it's also practical. She has a career and her sons will have an easier time meeting and retaining partners if they do their share.
Wearing a mask.
I just don't get that. Masks don't steal freedom. Other cultures from different areas of the world have been wearing masks for health reasons long before this.
Getting up from your desk for 5min and taking a breather, only acceptable if you smoke it seems, not actually for just getting fresh air. I get why so many people smoke cigarettes.
Breastfeeding a baby in public
I think that anyone complaining about breastfeeding, in ANY environment, should be charged with child abuse as they are technically trying to deprive an infant from feeding.
Taking a healthy amount of time to take care of yourself, rest, or recoup.
Some people just can't afford to take that healthy amount of time to care for themselves, because they need to work 2-3 jobs if they want to live indoors, and other people deliberately put themselves into positions where they can't do so - because they want the rewards that come from a high-paying job. I'm very sympathetic to the former.
As a man, using sunblock. I can't even tell you how many times I've been heckled on the golf course for putting sunblock on my face before being out in the sun for the next 4-5 hours.
Next time that happens, tell them you hope they enjoy having their noses amputated in a few years.
Talking to a therapist regularly. It’s a purchase of time to help work through complex emotional issues in order to have more bandwidth in other areas. Good for all regardless of mental state.
therapy is NOT about someone being MAD......it's to help u be good from basically anything
Not getting into fights with your significant other.
Had a friend that tried to convince me that it was unhealthy for my wife and I not to get into fights. I tried to explain that when we disagreed with each other about something we talked it through and trusted each other enough to listen and be receptive to the other person. She just rolled her eyes and said that it would happen eventually because to her what we were doing was just bottling things up. I couldn't convince her that the reason she got into fights was that she and her husband bottled things up until they exploded and that's why she got into fights.
I argue with my wife all the time. She has social anxiety so won't argue with people. So, after a stressful day, I'll roleplay as a colleague so she can can have and argument and vent a little. We never actually argue about anything in our lives because we understand each other.
Being polite and non-confrontation. There are people who see this as a sign of weakness and will take advantage/abuse those who aren't assholes.
You can be polite and non-confrontational and still keep the assholes under control. Just because you refuse to fight the pig, doesn't mean that the pig won.
Minding your business. Some perceive it as you not liking them.
Keeping to myself and out of other peoples' drama/ business has been one of the healthiest changes I have done for myself in recent years.
Not shaving pubic hair. What most people don’t know is that pubic hair can protect you by keeping harmful bacteria out of ya genitalia.
Note: this post originally had 66 images. It’s been shortened to the top 40 images based on user votes.
Wanting a normal life when you're chronically ill or disabled. You wouldn't believe how much you're constantly being shamed for just wanting to do normal stuff that everyone around you is doing.
And how much shame you get for not being able to do it! .... Ten years past a spinal-pelvic injury, I still can't be "normal" or out of pain every day. I just want to .... Then I'm shamed when I say, "I can't, that's beyond my body's capacity". Ugh! Hugs to you, @Liz.
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The older I get the more I see, you're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't. People have forgotten how to play in the sand box with others. It's extremely heartbreaking how our own kind tear each other apart and never once stop to think about how their words and behavior will affect others. I know there are still people who know how to treat others with decency. Unfortunately, the majority overpowers any good going on. Constantly fighting for better seems futile at this point. There's just not enough wisdom, compassionate, understanding, and kindness in enough humans. It's only getting worse and I truly feel scared about what's to come.
I agree with you, Stephanie. For those of us with empathy, it's heartbreaking seeing what's going on around the world. The lack of humanity is frightening.
Load More Replies... Choosing to not express my opinion on stuff I know nothing about. You get accused of being weak or scared when you do this. I'd rather just listen to someone who does know about the subject or do some research first.
That is really an amazing humility, most people suffer from massive dunning-kruger. It's embarrassing to listen to some garbage people spout. "Just try these essential oils for your covid"...
Load More Replies... I think they forgot one: tattoos. SO much judgy judgment against people with tattoos. Like, it's not your body, why do you care so much? But oh no, .... must be a gangster, or have been in jail, or something.
And piercings, coloured hair etc. My dad still makes digs about my sister's tattoos and piercings. I think many employers are beginning to get that it isn't a reason not to hire someone though.
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Not liking being touched. Please, don't swipe, pat, poke, hug unless I am on the level of trusting you with my life.
Yes! My mum still hugs all as kids when she knows we don't like it. I think we need to normalise not shaking hands too. It weirds me out to have someone I have only just met want to touch me like that.
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Walking bare-footed as much as possible improved symptoms from my IBS, strengthened my rather weak knees, hips and feet, improved my posture and my thermoregulation (I freeze less during winter). Sadly, people laugh at you, look derogatory or whisper when they think you are not listening. I don't give a s**t, because I don't want to go back to times when I did not know how good it is for my whole system. I just wished people would ask, before acting like jerks and revealing their intolerance during times when everyone cries for tolerance.
I walk bare-footed b/c a doctor (not me) told me to do so during recovery from a spinal/pelvic injury. My feet needed to "feel the surface to help the nerves re-establish" was his theory. I walk without a limp most days now, and having already been a fan of going barefoot, took no effort from me. Just be careful to make sure you don't walk barefoot where certain things live in soil (hookworm, for example).
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We don't have tv. We have a tv. We just don't have any cable or satellite or anything. People are shocked when I mention that. Lolol
Same, we have PlayStation where we watch whatever lol but no cable tv. I think it is becoming more normal. I stopped having cable when I was 23 or so, saves money too.
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Not drinking or doing drugs. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told I need to “loosen up” because I don’t want a drink. Sure, I am perfectly capable of enjoying myself without booze or drugs but I’m the one who needs to loosen up.
People get so mad when you dont do it. When i was a teenager i expected rhat it would get better as an adult. But no.
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I'd also add to this list anything to do with fashion sense. Just a short while ago, there was a post in here about terrible things your ex-es did. I totally support people mentioning abuse and stuff. But one person mocked her ex because he had crocs with socks? Seriously what is wrong with that. I'd also say anything to do with personal interest. I met someone on an online forum, he mentioned he watches Power Rangers but doesn't talk about it cause people make fun of him for it. Like seriously? I can understand not liking a show and possibly not wanting to talk about a show you don't like, but why start mocking someone for liking a show?
People should never judge anyone for doing anything if it doesn’t affect anyone else.
True, but I can't think of anything that doesn't affect anyone else. I'm trying.
Load More Replies... "Working a lot" cause i had hard times outside word and i was gust too youg, let me work, I'm not putting you in difficult positions, just refuse to work, having only one person do overtime is not a menace to 10 people, for god's sake let me alone
It can be, if there's a union and they're trying to pressurise the boss to increase your pay. You then preserve your job but you cause them all to get fired.
Load More Replies... People just need to do what makes themselves feel better and don't worry about what others say. But that's easier said than done.
Masterbating. A lot of people do it, it can be good for your mental health and yet people think it is a horrible thing to do.
I don't know anyone who thinks that's bad. Do you know a lot of backwards, religious people?
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I am going to go completely off on the next person that tells me I have to be around a bunch of other people to be "healthy". I wrote a negative review of the last training we had because it was all about how we had to spend non-work time with our co-workers to be good at our jobs.
Wanting a normal life when you're chronically ill or disabled. You wouldn't believe how much you're constantly being shamed for just wanting to do normal stuff that everyone around you is doing.
And how much shame you get for not being able to do it! .... Ten years past a spinal-pelvic injury, I still can't be "normal" or out of pain every day. I just want to .... Then I'm shamed when I say, "I can't, that's beyond my body's capacity". Ugh! Hugs to you, @Liz.
Load More Replies... The older I get the more I see, you're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't. People have forgotten how to play in the sand box with others. It's extremely heartbreaking how our own kind tear each other apart and never once stop to think about how their words and behavior will affect others. I know there are still people who know how to treat others with decency. Unfortunately, the majority overpowers any good going on. Constantly fighting for better seems futile at this point. There's just not enough wisdom, compassionate, understanding, and kindness in enough humans. It's only getting worse and I truly feel scared about what's to come.
I agree with you, Stephanie. For those of us with empathy, it's heartbreaking seeing what's going on around the world. The lack of humanity is frightening.
Load More Replies... Choosing to not express my opinion on stuff I know nothing about. You get accused of being weak or scared when you do this. I'd rather just listen to someone who does know about the subject or do some research first.
That is really an amazing humility, most people suffer from massive dunning-kruger. It's embarrassing to listen to some garbage people spout. "Just try these essential oils for your covid"...
Load More Replies... I think they forgot one: tattoos. SO much judgy judgment against people with tattoos. Like, it's not your body, why do you care so much? But oh no, .... must be a gangster, or have been in jail, or something.
And piercings, coloured hair etc. My dad still makes digs about my sister's tattoos and piercings. I think many employers are beginning to get that it isn't a reason not to hire someone though.
Load More Replies... Not liking being touched. Please, don't swipe, pat, poke, hug unless I am on the level of trusting you with my life.
Yes! My mum still hugs all as kids when she knows we don't like it. I think we need to normalise not shaking hands too. It weirds me out to have someone I have only just met want to touch me like that.
Load More Replies... Walking bare-footed as much as possible improved symptoms from my IBS, strengthened my rather weak knees, hips and feet, improved my posture and my thermoregulation (I freeze less during winter). Sadly, people laugh at you, look derogatory or whisper when they think you are not listening. I don't give a s**t, because I don't want to go back to times when I did not know how good it is for my whole system. I just wished people would ask, before acting like jerks and revealing their intolerance during times when everyone cries for tolerance.
I walk bare-footed b/c a doctor (not me) told me to do so during recovery from a spinal/pelvic injury. My feet needed to "feel the surface to help the nerves re-establish" was his theory. I walk without a limp most days now, and having already been a fan of going barefoot, took no effort from me. Just be careful to make sure you don't walk barefoot where certain things live in soil (hookworm, for example).
Load More Replies... We don't have tv. We have a tv. We just don't have any cable or satellite or anything. People are shocked when I mention that. Lolol
Same, we have PlayStation where we watch whatever lol but no cable tv. I think it is becoming more normal. I stopped having cable when I was 23 or so, saves money too.
Load More Replies... Not drinking or doing drugs. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told I need to “loosen up” because I don’t want a drink. Sure, I am perfectly capable of enjoying myself without booze or drugs but I’m the one who needs to loosen up.
People get so mad when you dont do it. When i was a teenager i expected rhat it would get better as an adult. But no.
Load More Replies... I'd also add to this list anything to do with fashion sense. Just a short while ago, there was a post in here about terrible things your ex-es did. I totally support people mentioning abuse and stuff. But one person mocked her ex because he had crocs with socks? Seriously what is wrong with that. I'd also say anything to do with personal interest. I met someone on an online forum, he mentioned he watches Power Rangers but doesn't talk about it cause people make fun of him for it. Like seriously? I can understand not liking a show and possibly not wanting to talk about a show you don't like, but why start mocking someone for liking a show?
People should never judge anyone for doing anything if it doesn’t affect anyone else.
True, but I can't think of anything that doesn't affect anyone else. I'm trying.
Load More Replies... "Working a lot" cause i had hard times outside word and i was gust too youg, let me work, I'm not putting you in difficult positions, just refuse to work, having only one person do overtime is not a menace to 10 people, for god's sake let me alone
It can be, if there's a union and they're trying to pressurise the boss to increase your pay. You then preserve your job but you cause them all to get fired.
Load More Replies... People just need to do what makes themselves feel better and don't worry about what others say. But that's easier said than done.
Masterbating. A lot of people do it, it can be good for your mental health and yet people think it is a horrible thing to do.
I don't know anyone who thinks that's bad. Do you know a lot of backwards, religious people?
Load More Replies... I am going to go completely off on the next person that tells me I have to be around a bunch of other people to be "healthy". I wrote a negative review of the last training we had because it was all about how we had to spend non-work time with our co-workers to be good at our jobs.
