Girlfriend Gets Mad After Guy Walks Out Of Dinner With Her Parents When They Start Insulting His Brother And His Husband
Family is family, no matter how ‘weird’ your situation might look to others. It’s absolutely natural to want to protect those dearest to you. And if anyone dares criticize your loved ones..? Hang on tight because there’s going to be a storm of reckoning coming your way.
Redditor Worried_Usual_3799 shared a dramatic story about how he met his girlfriend’s parents, only to have the night end incredibly badly due to their hateful comments. You see, the redditor grew up in difficult and unusual circumstances: after losing both of his parents, his brother and his partner raised him together.
While most of you Pandas are bound to focus on how this family overcame adversity in the face of tragedy, the redditor’s girlfriend’s homophobic parents instead chose to criticize the fact that it was two men who raised the child. You’ll find the full story, as told by Worried_Usual_3799, below, with all of its dramatic ups and downs. Have a read and let us know if you think the redditor was right to react the way he did or if you think his actions were rude.
Psychologist and wellbeing consultant Lee Chambers told Bored Panda that parental behavior “is often modeled and plays a significant role in children’s attitudes.” According to him, “Parents influence a child’s values and choices, and the stronger the bond you have with a child, the more they are likely to value what you say and what you do, and therefore more likely to be shaped by those attitudes and beliefs.”
An internet user shared what happened during dinner with his gf’s parents after they found out that his gay brother and his partner raised him
Image credits: Ketut Subiyanto (not the actual photo)
Here is the full story
“While there is no doubt that we are not born as raging homophobes carrying out homophobic abuse, we are still in a place of understanding exactly how from an evolutionary, genetically, societal, and developmental perspective our attitudes towards sexuality are shaped to become beliefs, behaviours, and implicit biases,” psychologist Lee told Bored Panda.
“From the counter studies of Gallup and Archer 25 years ago, we are still in a position where we are trying to understand how the many variables manifest.”
The redditor’s girlfriend’s parents were incredibly judgmental of his brother and his partner, and their comments were practically oozing homophobia. They referred to being gay as “bad habits” and called the young adult’s brother “perverted.”
Naturally, comments like this would make nearly anyone angry. Imagine if you found out that someone’s been saying things like this about the people closest to you, the people who raised you and gave you the best possible childhood.
The vast majority of redditors on the AITA online community said that the author of the post was completely justified in walking out on dinner with his partner’s parents. Some internet users even suggested completely cutting ties with his girlfriend because she kept ‘making excuses’ for her parents.
During a previous interview, I spoke about the roots of homophobia with psychotherapist Silva Neves, from the United Kingdom. He explained that homophobia is learned behavior and usually becomes enrooted in people’s minds due to their upbringing.
“If people grew up with homophobic parents and they haven’t been exposed to different opinions, they are more likely to be homophobic themselves,” the expert told Bored Panda.
“Most religions promote the inaccurate idea that same-sex relationships and sexual behaviors are unnatural, wrong, against their God, and a sin,” Silva explained that people growing up in religious households are more likely to hold homophobic beliefs.
“Even recently, the Pope declared that same-sex marriages were not endorsed by the Church. Islam is also very homophobic. Most Islamic countries have anti-gay laws with punishment ranging from imprisonment to the death penalty. Many people in the UK growing up in such households are more likely to be homophobic,” he said that it isn’t any one particular religion, but many, that promote these views.
“Teenagers can be homophobic as a way to conform to heterosexuality and be more accepted by their peers,” he added.
What’s more, some people turn to homophobia as a way to try to deny and repress their own same-sex attractions. “In being homophobic they attempt to repress their own feelings by fighting against the source of their arousal: the LGBTQ people.”
Reddit users overwhelmingly supported the author of the story. Here’s what they had to say about his reaction during dinner
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I find it alarming that so many people carry so much hate in them. There is not a single reason or argument for condemning homosexuality (i.e. it is not an "opinion" to be against homosexuality but a choice to ignore facts and a choice to be unempathic), and linking it to "bad habits" or even "lifestyle choices" merely shows a lack of education – or the unwillingness to be educated.
They most probably were religious people... religion rottens brains...
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Was it his best moment? Probably not. But then again we're not required to be our best selves 24/7. It was his authentic self, and he is under no obligation to tolerate continued rudeness. Sympathy for losing his parents at such a young age would have been appropriate, but no, they had to double down on the homophobia. I hope the OP is on to someone new who loves him *and* his family.
I agree with everything you wrote except one thing. I think it was his best moment.
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To everyone saying "He could have handled it better"...We don't owe bigots politeness. Full stop.
I would do what he did. No one should insult my family, especially when they are being racist, bigot or homophobic. I could imagine not wanting to have discussion right then and there when they didn't even consider about the possibility of it hurting him. And I could tell hia brother and bil must be wonderful people. No one should need to sit there and listen to more insult even though there is 'slight' possibility of educating them. I said slight because reasonable people wouldn't make such judgments, and looking at the way they were offended, it's definitely a right call.
He was beyond kind. Paying his portion of dinner was a sign of maturity and kindness in the midst of his justifiable anger! They were jerks of the lowest sort!
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"I think Sara is a nice young lady too, despite the glaringly obvious shortcomings in her upbringing."
She seams to be a good person... so the sentence should be more about the parents then her, like "I think Sara is a nice young lady too, despite the glaringly obvious shortcomings in her parentage". Or something similar
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This is a wonderful young man. If it was me I would have given a four letter aria that would make the cows blush.
If you're only making cows blush you're not doing it properly. Go for the whole farm - they're worth it. (Not worth much else)
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You were much more polite than I would have been. I would have shouted until I physically was unable to speak
In this situation it would be hard for me not to challenge dad in hand to hand combat. I’m gonna beat the toxic homophobe piss out of you. If your so tough bring it.
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If you stay with her, your family will never be welcome at her family's gatherings. Ultimately, at some point, you will be forced to chose her family or your's.
How RUDE! If there was a topic they felt so negatively about, they should not have brought it up at a public dinner! Unless they are so blithely ignorant to things like feelings, honor, duty, love... which they certainly are. You can do better than Sarah. Don't doormat yourself now that you know how life will be around her family!
Omg Yes. I didn't notice but you're right! Love that movie, and the original la cage aux folles
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Kudos to you for standing up for your brother and his husband. They raised you well and instilled in you good morals and values. I am proud of you.
NTA. Could have handled better, yes. But I know that feeling. My MIL always brings up my Puerto Rican heritage, asks insulting questions, is always surprised that I can cook anything other than Spanish food. Super annoying but I keep quiet until we get home. And then I talk about her behind her back like a normal person! 🤣
You're right, he could have handled it better. He could have flipped the table. In all seriousness though, bigots are not owed politeness. They are not owed a conversation, or decorum, or any sort of sacrifice from anyone else for the sake of their comfort. We owe them nothing. They don't care about anyone else's well being but their own narrow-minded, stupid point of view. And honestly, I'm very sad for you that you have to deal with an incredibly racist mother in law, and that you feel that you can't do anything other than talk behind her back. The fact that nobody has said anything to her, and that you and your spouse continue to tolerate her behaviour, probably makes her think she 's totally fine. I'm not saying it's your responsibility to teach her the error of her ways, but I would hope her child, your life partner, would stand up for you.
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Rude people do not deserve to be treated with anything other than rudeness in kind. If we stopped being "polite" about s**t then there might be less s**t around.
Exactly. Maybe if we started treated bigots like the disgusting plague they are, rather than walking on eggshells around them to try to placate them and appease them into passively learning the error of their ways, they would figure out really quickly how hard life can be. I'm done being nice to bigots.
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It was rude, but so were her parents ----- far more rude, IMO. And they were homophobic twerps to boot. time to take a break from that girl ----- see if she's really better than that, or if she's more worried about approval from her parents than being a decent human being?
Attacking someone with insulting their parents just shows what lowlives the girlfriends parents are. And she shows that she's a child of them by defending their actions. All in all, the boy did what was right. And I have no doubt that the relationship is over by now.
He's NTA but Sara sure is. Hope he ditched her after this. The fact that some people can still justify this sort of behaviour is abhorrent to me.
Ugh, hopelessly disgusting people (gf's parents). They probably think they were being nice to OP by praising him being a good person 'despite of his family' and are now deeply butthurt because he got upset. Why can't people keep their mouth shut about things they disagree? I'll answer to myself: they are bloody idiots, that's why.
Sometimes, you need to draw a line that is not to be crossed. Downtalkng your brother like that, who seems like a fine guy by any means, according to the glimpse we are to get to know here. They have no right to do this, to talk about him that way, and yet, they're confident enough about their so-called values or beliefs or whatever. You did exactly right - these people, it seems, are the kind of people about whom the best thing is that they live elsewhere.
You had no obligation to stay and listen to that hate spewed at you. However there was a missed opportunity to try to dialogue to see if they were even slightly open to having their views challenged. Certainly not an obligation nor expectation but something to consider. Shutting down the conversation and leaving sent a very strong and appropriate message to her parents...but where do you go from here? Your GF seems to be taking her parents side -- red flags for your future relationship together. My advice - run.
Dump Sara. If she's fine with her parents derogatory remarks towards her 'significant other', you will never ever win in the relationship. You will be abused by her parents long enough until Sara sees it's acceptable and she starts doing it to you too. She has no backbone, morals, ethics, principals, respect for herself or for others. The only thing we can see here is her fear of upsetting her mommy and daddy. Leave this little girl and find yourself a woman who appreciates, respects and loves the family you come from. DON'T EVER SETTLE FOR ANOTHER PERSON'S BS, LIVE YOUR LIFE HOWEVER IT MAKES YOU HAPPY AND SCREW EVERYONE ELSE. (also your brother/BIL sound freaking awesome, you lucky lad!)
For a 19 year old, I think you handled it just fine. Fact is, there is nothing you could have done that was as rude, as ignorant or as offensive as what the parents did. You're not the one who should be questioning their behaviour or choices in this story. Also, sorry to tell you that however non-prejudiced you think your girlfriend is, if she is willing to be an apologist for her parents' bigotry, then she is probably harbouring some herself. Fact is, if she isn't willing to stand up for what is right and decent, then you'd do better to let her go.
He didn't overreacted. What Sara's parents said was beyond disrespectful, they were maliciously trashing somebody they didn't even met.
NTA. You did not overreact. The fact that she defended her bigoted parents is unbelievable. Trash people. Not even people. Bigots. In what f*****g century do we live to call a gay couple perverted. Awful. You did the right thing. Never speak to any of them again. But I would have made a scene. Right there in the restaurant. Loud, for everyone to hear.
you better off without that family, including your gf - just imagine what they would do later if they were doing that during the first dinner
Why does anyone care about what two consenting adults do with each other in the privacy of their own homes. If you are obsessed with what you might think two men or two women might be doing in their own bedroom might I suggest that you think about all your friends that way. Now how about your parents, grandparents, your great grandparents etc... Yep. Nobody wants to picture that. Okay, almost nobody. So stop doing it if it bothers you so much. Now I want to write a sci-fi story where teenagers are forced to watch, via time travel video, their ancestors get it on.
NTA. He did the right thing. His gf is and so are her awful, judgmental parents.
It might have been better to call them on their statements, point our how strongly you disagree and why, and then ask them if they wanted you to leave. That would have made them think about their views. It also would have been easier on Sara even if you did end up leaving after the discussion.
needs an award - he did the best he could do with what he had to work with ... bigotry has always been the deal-breaker with me - I can't understand why anyone would willfully want to marry into or even support a family with that kind of mental deficiency and values - besides, ignorance is much like a fungus that if left unattended will affect all walks of life
If I'd been in that situation, I'd have walked out and left *them* with the bill.
People don't have to accept or like everyone's choices in partners, religious beliefs, political stance or how they live but we have to be respectful. Being mean, shoving your opinions down people's throats or taking it for granted that your take on things is the only take is just rude, ignorant and mean. Plenty of people have faith and they believe what they believe. But that doesn't mean when they are in contact with someone who is living in a way that conflicts with their beliefs that they can preach or admonish them. My beliefs have nothing to do with anyone else as how people live their lives is nothing to do with me. Be happy that everyone is happy in their situation and move along
The attitude of his brother and BIL when he told them what happened shows what good people they are as opposed to the attitudes of the girlfriend's parents which was down right nasty.
I had a somewhat similar experience recently with my BIL. I've known him for 30 years, and always known him to be religious, and a bit conservative in his views, but we've always gotten along, and I love him like a brother. We had rented a vacation house near him and he came over for dinner. He, my wife, and I were having a conversation, while my 15 yo daughter was sitting around the corner, when he (BIL) commented about the pride flag patch on my daughter's jacket. My wife just said, "Yeah, she's gay". Apparently he thought my wife was joking as he started going on about homosexuality being a "perversion". This did not go over well. I laid into him, as did my wife. I could literally see his face going pale as he realized that we were serious. The conversation ended with us telling him that we love him, but unless he can be supportive of our daughter, whose identity we fully support, this topic will never be discussed again. Daughter didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
When you meet somebody, don't insult their family and don't share your judgemental opinions about them unless you are directly asked to do so. It doesn't even matter who their family members are and what they do. You can't do that and expect a person to sit through it trying to make a polite conversation with you about how horrible their family is.
This. The lack of self-awareness of how horrible they are being is just mind boggling. "Hi, pleasure to meet you - let me tell you how terrible your parents are."
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She actually should have either cut the discussion on this subject or defend her BF brother, she was weak, or she silently agreed with her parents
My maternal cousin is a lesbian and it has not changed how I feel about her. If someone said something like that about her, I would get very upset because I don't want someone insulting my family over something like that. This young man seems to be a very kind and well adjusted individual and his brother and brother in law did a great job raising him. He is not the a-hole and his girlfriend should not expect him to put up with her parents' bigotry.
You'd think people would rather admire the fact that a 25/26 year old guy and his partner one day became parents without asking or planning for it, but stepped up and did their best in what probably wasn't easy circumstances. Instead these people just want to spew disgusting hate. Good for him that he wasn't taking it.
If he marries Sara, he's going ot have to live with those people for the rest of his life, and those people are jerks. The fact that his own brother and brother-in-law told him he was rude and could have handled it differently gives me SO much respect for them. He's so fortunate to have had them. I'm sorry, but he needs to leave Sara. It's not going to work out. No matter how nice she seems, she's covering for her homophobic parents.
Sometimes you have terrible in-laws and that's something you have to deal with for the relationship. The problem is Sara is trying to play both sides were and when one side is objectively awful it's INCREDIBLY disrespectful to the OP. Given Sara's reaction this relationship is likely doomed. If Sara had the OPs back it might be different.
Load More Replies... He did the most polite thing he could do, which is just stood up and leave, he even paid for his dinner... I would have replied that I too was surprised that Sara turned out so well, having such homophobic, ignorant, rude and bigot parents... and maaaybe then I would leave, without paying anything...
OP did the right thing. It's not ok to support bigotry and you're not required to let them insult your loved ones with their hate Not fond of Sarah, but can understand why she was upset. OP did the right thing, but she was left to pick up the mess when everything blew up in her face. It would have better to walk out with or after him, but it's not always easy to see what's right when you're in the middle of the trainwreck. OP may just want to look for another partner- or he may want to talk with her first to see if she can understand why her parents were wrong while she's in a calmer space or whether she's going to continue to support their bigotry
So let's switch out details for others. Not gay, but has Cerebral Palsey, is unmarried and active social life. (Think Josh Blue) Nothing 'wrong' with inteligence but walks like he's drunk. Would these parents feel as if the brother's condition was also some sort of heritary or lifestyle rubbing off to him? I've known siblings who are very protective of their brother or sister who are physically or mentally impared to a degree, and would never allow anyone to think or treat them as lesser valued by something that is out of their control and a choice that's theirs to make. Look at the greater picture of the 'rich' example he was rised in. the girl had a 'stunted' one.
I appreciate the effort but this is 2021 we shouldn't need analogies to get people to understand what being gay is like or being raised by gay parents...and I'm not sure using an analogy comparing being gay to a disease is the best approach. But your heart is in the right place so kudos for that.
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Although slamming money on the table and walking out was probably not the mature way of handling it, I completely understand the rage that may have been going through you at the moment. I honestly think you have nothing to apologize for. Your dates parents on the other hand have plenty to apologize for. What I do think is that her telling you that she did not want you mentioning your raising to her parents should have been a clue that they were homophobic. I wouldn't have agreed to meet them. Either way..she either lets the parents control her life or she grows a spine and stands up to them. How important are you to her?
Unfortunately if this bigotry is rooted in religion (which it often is) it rarely is worth the effort. Religious zealots don't change their minds about their bigotry.
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What a difficult situation to be in :-( You could have tried to convey your life experience with brother and BIL and how much you appreciate them, but your emotions and reaction "make sense" and show a lot about your integrity and love to your family
I don't think everyone is really in a place to face that sort of hatred and try to dialogue. It takes a lot -- and especially if you are caught off guard it's not reasonable to expect that to be the go-to response.
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For me, it was more that she was angry with him for not tolerating their bigoted insults to his family. I understand that she is in a sorry situation. She is unlikely to ever be able to sway them from their bigotry. She can't control them. However, she also can't expect other people to sit by and be insulted by them, have their family insulted by them. She showed no concern for how he felt after being treated in such an appalling manner, only that her bigot parents thought he was rude for leaving and she had to have dinner with them alone afterwards.
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The girlfriend gave her parents time in advance to “process that kind of thing” So nope, they don’t get a pass on those grounds.
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As part of the LGBT+ community, I feel zero obligation to "educate". Sure, I've had conversations with friends that have changed their minds about things, but I don't owe rando bigots *anything*. They can f**k right off.
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I find it alarming that so many people carry so much hate in them. There is not a single reason or argument for condemning homosexuality (i.e. it is not an "opinion" to be against homosexuality but a choice to ignore facts and a choice to be unempathic), and linking it to "bad habits" or even "lifestyle choices" merely shows a lack of education – or the unwillingness to be educated.
They most probably were religious people... religion rottens brains...
Load More Replies... Was it his best moment? Probably not. But then again we're not required to be our best selves 24/7. It was his authentic self, and he is under no obligation to tolerate continued rudeness. Sympathy for losing his parents at such a young age would have been appropriate, but no, they had to double down on the homophobia. I hope the OP is on to someone new who loves him *and* his family.
I agree with everything you wrote except one thing. I think it was his best moment.
Load More Replies... To everyone saying "He could have handled it better"...We don't owe bigots politeness. Full stop.
I would do what he did. No one should insult my family, especially when they are being racist, bigot or homophobic. I could imagine not wanting to have discussion right then and there when they didn't even consider about the possibility of it hurting him. And I could tell hia brother and bil must be wonderful people. No one should need to sit there and listen to more insult even though there is 'slight' possibility of educating them. I said slight because reasonable people wouldn't make such judgments, and looking at the way they were offended, it's definitely a right call.
He was beyond kind. Paying his portion of dinner was a sign of maturity and kindness in the midst of his justifiable anger! They were jerks of the lowest sort!
Load More Replies... "I think Sara is a nice young lady too, despite the glaringly obvious shortcomings in her upbringing."
She seams to be a good person... so the sentence should be more about the parents then her, like "I think Sara is a nice young lady too, despite the glaringly obvious shortcomings in her parentage". Or something similar
Load More Replies... This is a wonderful young man. If it was me I would have given a four letter aria that would make the cows blush.
If you're only making cows blush you're not doing it properly. Go for the whole farm - they're worth it. (Not worth much else)
Load More Replies... You were much more polite than I would have been. I would have shouted until I physically was unable to speak
In this situation it would be hard for me not to challenge dad in hand to hand combat. I’m gonna beat the toxic homophobe piss out of you. If your so tough bring it.
Load More Replies... If you stay with her, your family will never be welcome at her family's gatherings. Ultimately, at some point, you will be forced to chose her family or your's.
How RUDE! If there was a topic they felt so negatively about, they should not have brought it up at a public dinner! Unless they are so blithely ignorant to things like feelings, honor, duty, love... which they certainly are. You can do better than Sarah. Don't doormat yourself now that you know how life will be around her family!
Omg Yes. I didn't notice but you're right! Love that movie, and the original la cage aux folles
Load More Replies... Kudos to you for standing up for your brother and his husband. They raised you well and instilled in you good morals and values. I am proud of you.
NTA. Could have handled better, yes. But I know that feeling. My MIL always brings up my Puerto Rican heritage, asks insulting questions, is always surprised that I can cook anything other than Spanish food. Super annoying but I keep quiet until we get home. And then I talk about her behind her back like a normal person! 🤣
You're right, he could have handled it better. He could have flipped the table. In all seriousness though, bigots are not owed politeness. They are not owed a conversation, or decorum, or any sort of sacrifice from anyone else for the sake of their comfort. We owe them nothing. They don't care about anyone else's well being but their own narrow-minded, stupid point of view. And honestly, I'm very sad for you that you have to deal with an incredibly racist mother in law, and that you feel that you can't do anything other than talk behind her back. The fact that nobody has said anything to her, and that you and your spouse continue to tolerate her behaviour, probably makes her think she 's totally fine. I'm not saying it's your responsibility to teach her the error of her ways, but I would hope her child, your life partner, would stand up for you.
Load More Replies... Rude people do not deserve to be treated with anything other than rudeness in kind. If we stopped being "polite" about s**t then there might be less s**t around.
Exactly. Maybe if we started treated bigots like the disgusting plague they are, rather than walking on eggshells around them to try to placate them and appease them into passively learning the error of their ways, they would figure out really quickly how hard life can be. I'm done being nice to bigots.
Load More Replies... It was rude, but so were her parents ----- far more rude, IMO. And they were homophobic twerps to boot. time to take a break from that girl ----- see if she's really better than that, or if she's more worried about approval from her parents than being a decent human being?
Attacking someone with insulting their parents just shows what lowlives the girlfriends parents are. And she shows that she's a child of them by defending their actions. All in all, the boy did what was right. And I have no doubt that the relationship is over by now.
He's NTA but Sara sure is. Hope he ditched her after this. The fact that some people can still justify this sort of behaviour is abhorrent to me.
Ugh, hopelessly disgusting people (gf's parents). They probably think they were being nice to OP by praising him being a good person 'despite of his family' and are now deeply butthurt because he got upset. Why can't people keep their mouth shut about things they disagree? I'll answer to myself: they are bloody idiots, that's why.
Sometimes, you need to draw a line that is not to be crossed. Downtalkng your brother like that, who seems like a fine guy by any means, according to the glimpse we are to get to know here. They have no right to do this, to talk about him that way, and yet, they're confident enough about their so-called values or beliefs or whatever. You did exactly right - these people, it seems, are the kind of people about whom the best thing is that they live elsewhere.
You had no obligation to stay and listen to that hate spewed at you. However there was a missed opportunity to try to dialogue to see if they were even slightly open to having their views challenged. Certainly not an obligation nor expectation but something to consider. Shutting down the conversation and leaving sent a very strong and appropriate message to her parents...but where do you go from here? Your GF seems to be taking her parents side -- red flags for your future relationship together. My advice - run.
Dump Sara. If she's fine with her parents derogatory remarks towards her 'significant other', you will never ever win in the relationship. You will be abused by her parents long enough until Sara sees it's acceptable and she starts doing it to you too. She has no backbone, morals, ethics, principals, respect for herself or for others. The only thing we can see here is her fear of upsetting her mommy and daddy. Leave this little girl and find yourself a woman who appreciates, respects and loves the family you come from. DON'T EVER SETTLE FOR ANOTHER PERSON'S BS, LIVE YOUR LIFE HOWEVER IT MAKES YOU HAPPY AND SCREW EVERYONE ELSE. (also your brother/BIL sound freaking awesome, you lucky lad!)
For a 19 year old, I think you handled it just fine. Fact is, there is nothing you could have done that was as rude, as ignorant or as offensive as what the parents did. You're not the one who should be questioning their behaviour or choices in this story. Also, sorry to tell you that however non-prejudiced you think your girlfriend is, if she is willing to be an apologist for her parents' bigotry, then she is probably harbouring some herself. Fact is, if she isn't willing to stand up for what is right and decent, then you'd do better to let her go.
He didn't overreacted. What Sara's parents said was beyond disrespectful, they were maliciously trashing somebody they didn't even met.
NTA. You did not overreact. The fact that she defended her bigoted parents is unbelievable. Trash people. Not even people. Bigots. In what f*****g century do we live to call a gay couple perverted. Awful. You did the right thing. Never speak to any of them again. But I would have made a scene. Right there in the restaurant. Loud, for everyone to hear.
you better off without that family, including your gf - just imagine what they would do later if they were doing that during the first dinner
Why does anyone care about what two consenting adults do with each other in the privacy of their own homes. If you are obsessed with what you might think two men or two women might be doing in their own bedroom might I suggest that you think about all your friends that way. Now how about your parents, grandparents, your great grandparents etc... Yep. Nobody wants to picture that. Okay, almost nobody. So stop doing it if it bothers you so much. Now I want to write a sci-fi story where teenagers are forced to watch, via time travel video, their ancestors get it on.
NTA. He did the right thing. His gf is and so are her awful, judgmental parents.
It might have been better to call them on their statements, point our how strongly you disagree and why, and then ask them if they wanted you to leave. That would have made them think about their views. It also would have been easier on Sara even if you did end up leaving after the discussion.
needs an award - he did the best he could do with what he had to work with ... bigotry has always been the deal-breaker with me - I can't understand why anyone would willfully want to marry into or even support a family with that kind of mental deficiency and values - besides, ignorance is much like a fungus that if left unattended will affect all walks of life
If I'd been in that situation, I'd have walked out and left *them* with the bill.
People don't have to accept or like everyone's choices in partners, religious beliefs, political stance or how they live but we have to be respectful. Being mean, shoving your opinions down people's throats or taking it for granted that your take on things is the only take is just rude, ignorant and mean. Plenty of people have faith and they believe what they believe. But that doesn't mean when they are in contact with someone who is living in a way that conflicts with their beliefs that they can preach or admonish them. My beliefs have nothing to do with anyone else as how people live their lives is nothing to do with me. Be happy that everyone is happy in their situation and move along
The attitude of his brother and BIL when he told them what happened shows what good people they are as opposed to the attitudes of the girlfriend's parents which was down right nasty.
I had a somewhat similar experience recently with my BIL. I've known him for 30 years, and always known him to be religious, and a bit conservative in his views, but we've always gotten along, and I love him like a brother. We had rented a vacation house near him and he came over for dinner. He, my wife, and I were having a conversation, while my 15 yo daughter was sitting around the corner, when he (BIL) commented about the pride flag patch on my daughter's jacket. My wife just said, "Yeah, she's gay". Apparently he thought my wife was joking as he started going on about homosexuality being a "perversion". This did not go over well. I laid into him, as did my wife. I could literally see his face going pale as he realized that we were serious. The conversation ended with us telling him that we love him, but unless he can be supportive of our daughter, whose identity we fully support, this topic will never be discussed again. Daughter didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
When you meet somebody, don't insult their family and don't share your judgemental opinions about them unless you are directly asked to do so. It doesn't even matter who their family members are and what they do. You can't do that and expect a person to sit through it trying to make a polite conversation with you about how horrible their family is.
This. The lack of self-awareness of how horrible they are being is just mind boggling. "Hi, pleasure to meet you - let me tell you how terrible your parents are."
Load More Replies... She actually should have either cut the discussion on this subject or defend her BF brother, she was weak, or she silently agreed with her parents
My maternal cousin is a lesbian and it has not changed how I feel about her. If someone said something like that about her, I would get very upset because I don't want someone insulting my family over something like that. This young man seems to be a very kind and well adjusted individual and his brother and brother in law did a great job raising him. He is not the a-hole and his girlfriend should not expect him to put up with her parents' bigotry.
You'd think people would rather admire the fact that a 25/26 year old guy and his partner one day became parents without asking or planning for it, but stepped up and did their best in what probably wasn't easy circumstances. Instead these people just want to spew disgusting hate. Good for him that he wasn't taking it.
If he marries Sara, he's going ot have to live with those people for the rest of his life, and those people are jerks. The fact that his own brother and brother-in-law told him he was rude and could have handled it differently gives me SO much respect for them. He's so fortunate to have had them. I'm sorry, but he needs to leave Sara. It's not going to work out. No matter how nice she seems, she's covering for her homophobic parents.
Sometimes you have terrible in-laws and that's something you have to deal with for the relationship. The problem is Sara is trying to play both sides were and when one side is objectively awful it's INCREDIBLY disrespectful to the OP. Given Sara's reaction this relationship is likely doomed. If Sara had the OPs back it might be different.
Load More Replies... He did the most polite thing he could do, which is just stood up and leave, he even paid for his dinner... I would have replied that I too was surprised that Sara turned out so well, having such homophobic, ignorant, rude and bigot parents... and maaaybe then I would leave, without paying anything...
OP did the right thing. It's not ok to support bigotry and you're not required to let them insult your loved ones with their hate Not fond of Sarah, but can understand why she was upset. OP did the right thing, but she was left to pick up the mess when everything blew up in her face. It would have better to walk out with or after him, but it's not always easy to see what's right when you're in the middle of the trainwreck. OP may just want to look for another partner- or he may want to talk with her first to see if she can understand why her parents were wrong while she's in a calmer space or whether she's going to continue to support their bigotry
So let's switch out details for others. Not gay, but has Cerebral Palsey, is unmarried and active social life. (Think Josh Blue) Nothing 'wrong' with inteligence but walks like he's drunk. Would these parents feel as if the brother's condition was also some sort of heritary or lifestyle rubbing off to him? I've known siblings who are very protective of their brother or sister who are physically or mentally impared to a degree, and would never allow anyone to think or treat them as lesser valued by something that is out of their control and a choice that's theirs to make. Look at the greater picture of the 'rich' example he was rised in. the girl had a 'stunted' one.
I appreciate the effort but this is 2021 we shouldn't need analogies to get people to understand what being gay is like or being raised by gay parents...and I'm not sure using an analogy comparing being gay to a disease is the best approach. But your heart is in the right place so kudos for that.
Load More Replies... Although slamming money on the table and walking out was probably not the mature way of handling it, I completely understand the rage that may have been going through you at the moment. I honestly think you have nothing to apologize for. Your dates parents on the other hand have plenty to apologize for. What I do think is that her telling you that she did not want you mentioning your raising to her parents should have been a clue that they were homophobic. I wouldn't have agreed to meet them. Either way..she either lets the parents control her life or she grows a spine and stands up to them. How important are you to her?
Unfortunately if this bigotry is rooted in religion (which it often is) it rarely is worth the effort. Religious zealots don't change their minds about their bigotry.
Load More Replies... What a difficult situation to be in :-( You could have tried to convey your life experience with brother and BIL and how much you appreciate them, but your emotions and reaction "make sense" and show a lot about your integrity and love to your family
I don't think everyone is really in a place to face that sort of hatred and try to dialogue. It takes a lot -- and especially if you are caught off guard it's not reasonable to expect that to be the go-to response.
Load More Replies... For me, it was more that she was angry with him for not tolerating their bigoted insults to his family. I understand that she is in a sorry situation. She is unlikely to ever be able to sway them from their bigotry. She can't control them. However, she also can't expect other people to sit by and be insulted by them, have their family insulted by them. She showed no concern for how he felt after being treated in such an appalling manner, only that her bigot parents thought he was rude for leaving and she had to have dinner with them alone afterwards.
Load More Replies... The girlfriend gave her parents time in advance to “process that kind of thing” So nope, they don’t get a pass on those grounds.
Load More Replies... As part of the LGBT+ community, I feel zero obligation to "educate". Sure, I've had conversations with friends that have changed their minds about things, but I don't owe rando bigots *anything*. They can f**k right off.
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