“He Said I Sounded Like A Gold Digger”: Boyfriend Annoyed When His Partner Refused To Split His Mortgage Without Getting Any Ownership Benefits
It’s not a secret that being in a committed relationship is hard work. More often than not, you get together with a person that has a different mindset from you, and it’s inevitable to encounter a few issues along the way. Sometimes it’s something pretty innocent that could be resolved by simply talking things out, yet you’re also not protected from discovering something bewildering about your partner.
When you decide to take the relationship further and, maybe, move in with your significant other, a few complications will probably come up. For example, this user shared her story regarding the rent that she’d be paying her boyfriend if she had agreed to move in with him:
The woman took it to one of Reddit’s well-known communities to find out whether she might’ve overreacted when her significant other offered to let her move in as long as she’d be splitting the mortgage for a house that she doesn’t really own. The post received over 4K upvotes and many comments where fellow online users discussed this rather intriguing situation.
More info: Reddit
Moving in together is equally stressful and exciting
Image credits: jongorey (not the actual photo)
Moving in together with your partner is, of course, very exciting. It’s a sign that your relationship is getting stronger, you’re thrilled to finally have all the time in the world together, and overall it’s just a very heartwarming experience. Yet, this particular story wasn’t that smooth as the author ended up with some serious second thoughts.
Woman asks folks if she might’ve overreacted when her BF asked to split his mortgage for a house that he solely owns
Image credits: housewiestion
All of us, at some point, will start to consider getting ourselves a house or maybe you’re already a proud owner of one – well, the author began her story by introducing herself; she’s a 27-year-old woman who believes that she’s finally at this stage of life where she would love to own a house.
Image credits: housewiestion
The woman has a stable and well-paying job in tech and has been recently shopping for a beginner home. However, the OP has a 32-year-old boyfriend who already owns a house and they’ve previously talked about the possibility of moving in together. The woman revealed that she’d love to take their relationship to the next level and build a home together, but it’s also important for her to have some home equity, whether that’d mean owning a place with her partner or getting her own.
Image credits: housewiestion
But the OP’s significant other is already the sole owner of a house where he pays $1300 for mortgage and taxes, and $430 for the utilities. If the woman had seriously considered moving in with him, he’d have expected her to split the mortgage and the other bills – however, he’d still be the only owner of the place. So the woman explained that she either wants to be living somewhere where she gains home equity or she would’ve liked to get a lease agreement that is as good as her current one, which will allow her to save up for a future down payment.
Image credits: housewiestion
If the author had decided to move in with her partner, she’d have expected him to offer her a lease and to have all the rights and the responsibilities of a lessor laid out, essentially making it a legitimate deal. For instance, she mentioned that she wants maintenance responsibilities to be completely on the landlord, she’d want a written agreement with rent details and she’d want to compare that to her current living situation. The OP then goes on to explain that her current place is $680 a month with everything included, so moving in to a place where the building is in worse repair and paying nearly $200 more is a much harder choice.
Image credits: housewiestion
The author revealed that she wouldn’t want to raise her rent to live in worse conditions, so the only smart thing to do would be to compare the current rental market price. She estimated that the price for a room in her partner’s house would be about $500 maximum. Once the OP talked it out with her boyfriend, she mentioned that he got quite upset, saying that he wanted to take a serious step in their relationship, but she treated this whole thing like business. The woman then argued and said that she’s simply trying to make good financial choices just like her partner is doing.
Image credits: housewiestion
The author explained to her boyfriend that she doesn’t think that it’s a good choice to pay half of his mortgage if he’s the only one who’s gaining equity – unless he would agree to come up with a proper rent agreement like she mentioned before. The boyfriend then got very frustrated and even called the OP a gold digger for simply wanting to do what’s best for her.
Image credits: housewiestion
Eventually the OP revealed that she doesn’t really know what she’s going to do, but she is starting to consider extending her current lease. Of course, she realizes that her partner is fairly upset that she took this specific approach to the moving in situation, but in the end, she was just looking out for her financial future. What do you think about this situation? Do you think that the author might’ve overreacted?
Fellow Redditors fully supported the OP’s actions
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It’s a relief to see someone recognize that financial discussion between partners should not be blinded or coerced by affection. I know the OP is self-identified as a woman but the point stands for everyone in a relationship. No matter how much you love your SO in the moment, be aware that changes happen over months and years. Protecting yourself isn’t a statement that you don’t trust your partner. It’s simple acknowledgment that what is now, may not be in the future.
The difference is that because OP is a woman, she's expected to just go along with it. So when she stands up for herself and puts up boundaries, the grown ass man throws a tantrum.
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It's the funniest when men that don't have much to dig say this all the time. My husbands uncle always says this about women. He doesn't even own anything not even his car his ex girlfriend did. Hes single and he wonders why lol
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There is a line of thought to justify this reaction. "Hey, you would be paying rent anyway". But this is not the line of thought of someone who is committed to a life together building a common future. Sometimes people tell you who they are, you just need to listen.
I don't know that this is a case of someone "telling you who they are", it might just be a case of someone failing to think something through, and being shocked when someone else does. I think the OP will learn the difference in the days after the discussion described here, if he calms down and agrees to a reasonable financial agreement then maybe he was just thoughtless, if he sticks to his plan of having her pay into his equity with no rights, then yeah. Maybe he was demonstrating what a jerk he really is.
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Actually, I think when people move in together they should start fresh in a place that is new for both of them. That way they are both co-owners from the start, and they are on equal terms with each other.
A friend of mine, when his gf moved in with him, she gave him a lump sum as a down payment & he put her on title & they split the mortgage. She wanted things to be equal between them & was prepared to invest. She's now his wife. She's awesome.
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On the flip side. He put up the money to buy the home so I don't think she's entitled to the equity however I do see her being in the right to have it written in paper that she is a renter and NOT responsible for upkeep, taxes, liens, so forth. Honestly, I'd stay in my rental and I'd like to know where in the heck you can rent for $600.00 a month? (Californian here)
NYC here. I’d get rid of everything but my bed and the pets for $600 a month.
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In my country, if a partner contributes to mortgage payments they automatically get a stake in any equity in the house. Guy sounds like a spoilt brat.
Lol. Yeah I'm sure this took place in America... where basically.. the only ppl with rights are the rich n white men... so mainly rich white men... if you're not a rich white dude.. you're a second class citizen with no freedom or rights.
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It's odd how someone trying to steal from you calls you the gold digger...
Good on you for thinking about the business transaction aspect of this potential decision, which the boyfriend apparently thinks you should ignore. It's his house, if you pay him for half of the living costs, he's just working towards owning the property faster while you have zero rights to any of it, while paying for it. A tennant has more rights than that.
NTA. ALL women considering a step like this need to approach it like you have. Kudos.
not just woman, but anybody in this situation.
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If I were in the bloke's position I'd probably want to keep the equity, and so pay %100 of the mortgage. I'd want to split the bills, but encourage her to invest her own money so that she would be OK if things went wrong. Although I'm not sure if I would trust this guy.
He is a head case. What she is suggesting protects him as much as her, if not more so. There is a case for a defacto relationship if she lives with him long term that could entitle her to equity if she can show she is contributing equally to bills and mortgage. Even without written records the courts can assume this is the case if they break up.
I get that he might be taking a more "romantic" "let's move in together and just split things" becuase I just want you to move in because I care about you. But, yeah, that's a terrible situation to agree to. The fact he incorrectly called you a gold digger, even if he would say he was just kidding (he wasn't) is probably enough to be a red flag. Who does that to someone making a rational and reasonable counter-proposal.
what is fair is for her to pay rent that is appropriate and fair. She also owes her share of the utilities and half the food cost if they eat together all the time. This is the basic roommate type agreement all adults have. Sometimes parents require their 18 y.o. kids to start paying like this after high school if they are working full time and still live at home. Come on, fair's fair, folks. She should not pay half the mortgage note unless her name is on the title deed. She should not have to pay half the costs for repairs, improvements, or other costs the homeowner normally has to pay like association dues. If he bought the place expecting her to pay for half the note, he should add her name to the deed. She should leave if he is not reasonable about this. And yes, that means she has no rights to any money the owner makes when he sells the house.
Right, he gets all the tax exemption benefits for owning a home but she doesn't.
Load More Replies... Obviously, he didn't want to put her on the deed to assure her position. Wonder why? (not really)
I've seen too many small claim court cases to suggest anything else than what you've already laid out. Sounds sensible and you are CYA with documentation. Nothing says the relationship would last forever. My other suggestion would to have him sign a document that is like a pre-nup that says if you agree to move in and pay half the mortgage and things go sour in the relationship, he agrees to return your mortgage payments plus an amount of gains equal to the increased value of the home upon termination of the relationship.
Your boyfriend is right to not give you equity in his house and to have you pay rent. You are equally right to only pay market rent and have a formal agreement. The formal agreement benefits him as much as you. What’s troubling is that he’s only interested in an arrangement that benefits him only instead of being mutually beneficial.
I'd probably have just offered to pay the utilities. If that was not enough, it's his problem. You are not a piggy bank with benefits.
I may be old-fashioned but you don't charge rent to your SO nor do you expect them to pay off your mortgage. It's a bad idea to sign any financial contract together when you aren't married or have any other legal cohabitation contract. The best thing the woman can do is refuse to move in with the boyfriend and keep looking for her own house to buy.
First off this guy is a douche. But second off as a society we have to stop saying someone with the mortgage owns a house. You do not own it. The bank owns it and they are looking for a reason to take it back. It’s brainwashing us into thinking that we have something we don’t win the fact of the matter is it takes about 30 years to pay off a mortgage before you own the house.
You have a good point and I don't know why people are downvoting you
Load More Replies... OP made very, very reasonable suggestions. If the bf has objection, I'd say the problem lies with him.
Take out a loan, pay half of whatever equity he already has in the place, pay half the mortgage ongoing and be named on the mortgage as a half owner.
It does not matter how much she trusts her BF. What ever happens to them, she is duped. Ok so what if he dies? She has no rights what so ever.
She is being realistic and logical. And he's being really immature. I would dump his ass in a heartbeat.
Who wants to pay more to move in with someone they are dating? Maybe if they were engaged, but not just dating. The rental agreement makes sense to me, can you imagine breaking up and your landlord immediately evicts you?
I believe that conflicts over financial matters are a leading cause of stress in relationships. If you move into the boyfriends house it could lead to an eventual break up. And so on. Look out for yourself, your future, I think. Why he with someone who accuses you of being a gold digger anyway. Sheesh.
Is it not the case that if you live together in a defacto relationship for a certain time (two years I think it is in Australia), you are entitled to a share in the house in the event of the relationship breaking down? Despite it being in one party’s name. Especially if you are both contributing to the mortgage, maintenance, cleaning, yard work, repairs and renovations?
The BF is the gold digger expecting her to pay half the mortgage without being on the title.
So you pay half his mortgage, you break up, he has more equity in his house, and you get what? Save to buy your own house! He doesn’t sound like a great boyfriend. Buy maybe he’s not intelligent enough to really see that he would be taking advantage of you. There’s not much you can fix about stupid.
"What's yours is mine...and what's mine is mine." Bf should pay for mortgage, gf should pay for utilities, which is considerably cheaper. Bf should have sole ownership of his property.
I trusted my ex. I paid half the mortgage, half for the furnishings, half of the household expenses. When we divorced my contributions, in his view, were rent. He bought the house shortly before we married for the purpose of it being our home so my name was not on the deed. His years of emotional abuse left me unable to fight for more. I paid dearly to get rid of him. OP is just looking out for herself.
I totally understand this! If they were for sure going to be together forever and never break up, I would think it was fair to split the bills as she would get equity later. However no reason for her to do it now and without a guarantee. I lived with my boyfriend for a long time and we split all the bills at HIS place. He cheated on me and we broke up. And I was the one who had to move out and lost everything I put into it. While he was benefited and was able to pay off his car. I learned my lesson.
I am so happy to read that women are FINALLY starting to look out for their financial futer, instead of just going all misty eyes when a knight in shiny amror comes riding along. A marriage is much more likely to end in divorce rather than growing old together and we need to plan for that. the boyfriend is the real gold digger, here.
As much as I loved my father when my parents split up he did my mom really dirty....when he bought their house it went in his name...so when he asked for a divorce he made her move out because it was HIS house....they were married 24 years! He was the one who asked my mom to quit her job so they could have me. So my poor mom got kicked out only working a part time job and barely any credit because she was a stay at home mom for 13 years before returning to the workforce again. It took her a while to get on her feet. I took this as a big learning lesson...NO man would ever put ME out of MY house! So when I got married and my husband's credit was shot due to bad choices everything went in my name.
there's such an easy solution to this; simply take the monthly mortgage payment, back out the portion that pays down interest, remove the estimated monthly tax breaks, and divide the remainder by two; the non-equity partner gets a great living space for much less than market rent, and the equity partner gets help with his or her mortgage payments
Not exactly. But similar. U must not be familiar with the AITA thread huh!!? Also, what's your point?
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She wasn't whinging. She was asking if her point of view was valid. If everyone thought she was making the wrong choice and that he was being reasonable then she might rethink. But also, she is totally happy with the option of saying no and not moving in, but he isn't happy with her making that choice.
Load More Replies... It’s a relief to see someone recognize that financial discussion between partners should not be blinded or coerced by affection. I know the OP is self-identified as a woman but the point stands for everyone in a relationship. No matter how much you love your SO in the moment, be aware that changes happen over months and years. Protecting yourself isn’t a statement that you don’t trust your partner. It’s simple acknowledgment that what is now, may not be in the future.
The difference is that because OP is a woman, she's expected to just go along with it. So when she stands up for herself and puts up boundaries, the grown ass man throws a tantrum.
Load More Replies... It's the funniest when men that don't have much to dig say this all the time. My husbands uncle always says this about women. He doesn't even own anything not even his car his ex girlfriend did. Hes single and he wonders why lol
Load More Replies... There is a line of thought to justify this reaction. "Hey, you would be paying rent anyway". But this is not the line of thought of someone who is committed to a life together building a common future. Sometimes people tell you who they are, you just need to listen.
I don't know that this is a case of someone "telling you who they are", it might just be a case of someone failing to think something through, and being shocked when someone else does. I think the OP will learn the difference in the days after the discussion described here, if he calms down and agrees to a reasonable financial agreement then maybe he was just thoughtless, if he sticks to his plan of having her pay into his equity with no rights, then yeah. Maybe he was demonstrating what a jerk he really is.
Load More Replies... Actually, I think when people move in together they should start fresh in a place that is new for both of them. That way they are both co-owners from the start, and they are on equal terms with each other.
A friend of mine, when his gf moved in with him, she gave him a lump sum as a down payment & he put her on title & they split the mortgage. She wanted things to be equal between them & was prepared to invest. She's now his wife. She's awesome.
Load More Replies... On the flip side. He put up the money to buy the home so I don't think she's entitled to the equity however I do see her being in the right to have it written in paper that she is a renter and NOT responsible for upkeep, taxes, liens, so forth. Honestly, I'd stay in my rental and I'd like to know where in the heck you can rent for $600.00 a month? (Californian here)
NYC here. I’d get rid of everything but my bed and the pets for $600 a month.
Load More Replies... In my country, if a partner contributes to mortgage payments they automatically get a stake in any equity in the house. Guy sounds like a spoilt brat.
Lol. Yeah I'm sure this took place in America... where basically.. the only ppl with rights are the rich n white men... so mainly rich white men... if you're not a rich white dude.. you're a second class citizen with no freedom or rights.
Load More Replies... It's odd how someone trying to steal from you calls you the gold digger...
Good on you for thinking about the business transaction aspect of this potential decision, which the boyfriend apparently thinks you should ignore. It's his house, if you pay him for half of the living costs, he's just working towards owning the property faster while you have zero rights to any of it, while paying for it. A tennant has more rights than that.
NTA. ALL women considering a step like this need to approach it like you have. Kudos.
not just woman, but anybody in this situation.
Load More Replies... If I were in the bloke's position I'd probably want to keep the equity, and so pay %100 of the mortgage. I'd want to split the bills, but encourage her to invest her own money so that she would be OK if things went wrong. Although I'm not sure if I would trust this guy.
He is a head case. What she is suggesting protects him as much as her, if not more so. There is a case for a defacto relationship if she lives with him long term that could entitle her to equity if she can show she is contributing equally to bills and mortgage. Even without written records the courts can assume this is the case if they break up.
I get that he might be taking a more "romantic" "let's move in together and just split things" becuase I just want you to move in because I care about you. But, yeah, that's a terrible situation to agree to. The fact he incorrectly called you a gold digger, even if he would say he was just kidding (he wasn't) is probably enough to be a red flag. Who does that to someone making a rational and reasonable counter-proposal.
what is fair is for her to pay rent that is appropriate and fair. She also owes her share of the utilities and half the food cost if they eat together all the time. This is the basic roommate type agreement all adults have. Sometimes parents require their 18 y.o. kids to start paying like this after high school if they are working full time and still live at home. Come on, fair's fair, folks. She should not pay half the mortgage note unless her name is on the title deed. She should not have to pay half the costs for repairs, improvements, or other costs the homeowner normally has to pay like association dues. If he bought the place expecting her to pay for half the note, he should add her name to the deed. She should leave if he is not reasonable about this. And yes, that means she has no rights to any money the owner makes when he sells the house.
Right, he gets all the tax exemption benefits for owning a home but she doesn't.
Load More Replies... Obviously, he didn't want to put her on the deed to assure her position. Wonder why? (not really)
I've seen too many small claim court cases to suggest anything else than what you've already laid out. Sounds sensible and you are CYA with documentation. Nothing says the relationship would last forever. My other suggestion would to have him sign a document that is like a pre-nup that says if you agree to move in and pay half the mortgage and things go sour in the relationship, he agrees to return your mortgage payments plus an amount of gains equal to the increased value of the home upon termination of the relationship.
Your boyfriend is right to not give you equity in his house and to have you pay rent. You are equally right to only pay market rent and have a formal agreement. The formal agreement benefits him as much as you. What’s troubling is that he’s only interested in an arrangement that benefits him only instead of being mutually beneficial.
I'd probably have just offered to pay the utilities. If that was not enough, it's his problem. You are not a piggy bank with benefits.
I may be old-fashioned but you don't charge rent to your SO nor do you expect them to pay off your mortgage. It's a bad idea to sign any financial contract together when you aren't married or have any other legal cohabitation contract. The best thing the woman can do is refuse to move in with the boyfriend and keep looking for her own house to buy.
First off this guy is a douche. But second off as a society we have to stop saying someone with the mortgage owns a house. You do not own it. The bank owns it and they are looking for a reason to take it back. It’s brainwashing us into thinking that we have something we don’t win the fact of the matter is it takes about 30 years to pay off a mortgage before you own the house.
You have a good point and I don't know why people are downvoting you
Load More Replies... OP made very, very reasonable suggestions. If the bf has objection, I'd say the problem lies with him.
Take out a loan, pay half of whatever equity he already has in the place, pay half the mortgage ongoing and be named on the mortgage as a half owner.
It does not matter how much she trusts her BF. What ever happens to them, she is duped. Ok so what if he dies? She has no rights what so ever.
She is being realistic and logical. And he's being really immature. I would dump his ass in a heartbeat.
Who wants to pay more to move in with someone they are dating? Maybe if they were engaged, but not just dating. The rental agreement makes sense to me, can you imagine breaking up and your landlord immediately evicts you?
I believe that conflicts over financial matters are a leading cause of stress in relationships. If you move into the boyfriends house it could lead to an eventual break up. And so on. Look out for yourself, your future, I think. Why he with someone who accuses you of being a gold digger anyway. Sheesh.
Is it not the case that if you live together in a defacto relationship for a certain time (two years I think it is in Australia), you are entitled to a share in the house in the event of the relationship breaking down? Despite it being in one party’s name. Especially if you are both contributing to the mortgage, maintenance, cleaning, yard work, repairs and renovations?
The BF is the gold digger expecting her to pay half the mortgage without being on the title.
So you pay half his mortgage, you break up, he has more equity in his house, and you get what? Save to buy your own house! He doesn’t sound like a great boyfriend. Buy maybe he’s not intelligent enough to really see that he would be taking advantage of you. There’s not much you can fix about stupid.
"What's yours is mine...and what's mine is mine." Bf should pay for mortgage, gf should pay for utilities, which is considerably cheaper. Bf should have sole ownership of his property.
I trusted my ex. I paid half the mortgage, half for the furnishings, half of the household expenses. When we divorced my contributions, in his view, were rent. He bought the house shortly before we married for the purpose of it being our home so my name was not on the deed. His years of emotional abuse left me unable to fight for more. I paid dearly to get rid of him. OP is just looking out for herself.
I totally understand this! If they were for sure going to be together forever and never break up, I would think it was fair to split the bills as she would get equity later. However no reason for her to do it now and without a guarantee. I lived with my boyfriend for a long time and we split all the bills at HIS place. He cheated on me and we broke up. And I was the one who had to move out and lost everything I put into it. While he was benefited and was able to pay off his car. I learned my lesson.
I am so happy to read that women are FINALLY starting to look out for their financial futer, instead of just going all misty eyes when a knight in shiny amror comes riding along. A marriage is much more likely to end in divorce rather than growing old together and we need to plan for that. the boyfriend is the real gold digger, here.
As much as I loved my father when my parents split up he did my mom really dirty....when he bought their house it went in his name...so when he asked for a divorce he made her move out because it was HIS house....they were married 24 years! He was the one who asked my mom to quit her job so they could have me. So my poor mom got kicked out only working a part time job and barely any credit because she was a stay at home mom for 13 years before returning to the workforce again. It took her a while to get on her feet. I took this as a big learning lesson...NO man would ever put ME out of MY house! So when I got married and my husband's credit was shot due to bad choices everything went in my name.
there's such an easy solution to this; simply take the monthly mortgage payment, back out the portion that pays down interest, remove the estimated monthly tax breaks, and divide the remainder by two; the non-equity partner gets a great living space for much less than market rent, and the equity partner gets help with his or her mortgage payments
Not exactly. But similar. U must not be familiar with the AITA thread huh!!? Also, what's your point?
Load More Replies... She wasn't whinging. She was asking if her point of view was valid. If everyone thought she was making the wrong choice and that he was being reasonable then she might rethink. But also, she is totally happy with the option of saying no and not moving in, but he isn't happy with her making that choice.
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