This Mom Is Not Sure What To Do After Her Mother Starts Asking For Money For Looking After Her Grandson, Despite Living All-Expenses-Paid With Her
While for some, panic and dread kicks in way before a child is born, there are some who only start understanding the struggle once the child arrives and is posing real challenges.
This is when they understand just how invaluably helpful parents and grandparents can be as the kid seems to know the exact moment you need to go pee or need some shut-eye because they decided to have a party every hour, on the hour throughout the night.
Well, sometimes this help comes at a cost. A fresh new mom turned to the internet for some answers by sharing her concerns over how the family’s grandma started demanding money for babysitting their baby.
More info: Mumsnet
Grandparents are quick to help out when there’s a newborn, but are they quick to demand a salary for babysitting?
Image credits: cilesfineline (not the actual photo)
So, a post surfaced on Mumsnet, a London-based internet forum for parents and teens, where a mom of a 9-month-old baby was asking for advice for her predicament.
Said predicament involved herself, her 9-month-old son, her husband, and her mother—the grandmother. All of them have been living under one roof, and grandma was a huge help throughout the whole time the kid was around by helping take care of him and babysitting when the parents were in a bind.
One concerned mom turned to the internet for some advice on a grandmother who demanded to be paid for all the babysitting she has done
Image credits: Candyfloss11
However, plot twist, after all these months, grandma suddenly tells her daughter that she wants to get paid for all of the babysitting she’s doing. In fact, she got upset she wasn’t paid earlier for it.
The context is that she never said she’d like to be paid for this in the first place, but that too begs the question—is it a reasonable request given the situation that grandma’s been living with her daughter and her husband for free? Plus, she’s retired, doesn’t have a partner, and gets taken on vacations.
Image credits: Candyfloss11
So, the grandmother is upset that she’s not being paid for babysitting her grandchild, while the mom feels hurt that it feels like paying her would be a transaction, and not a duty of sorts for her grandchild.
The mom did reassure readers that’s she’s more than willing to pay for whatever expenses that occur along the way, but she’s living with them, and hence she doesn’t really have expenses. And she’s not debating if it’s worth just sending the kid into nursery at this point.
The internet had a lot of questions, but even more, they have a lot of advice
Many in the online forum had questions, though the consensus was pretty much the same—if she wants a ‘salary,’ then she’ll have to give up her expense-free lifestyle.
Some pointed out that the current arrangement was, if anything, unhealthy. Do they have personal time, and does everyone have their personal space to begin with, among other things.
One thing’s for sure, they all ought to sit down and talk the situation over. “Focus on the good stuff you’re doing for each other and how it is all well-intentioned, no one ever meant to upset anyone but [obviously] something has changed and it’s not working anymore,” elaborated one commenter. Who knows, maybe there are deeper reasons for this.
While it’s hard to say how viral it went on the forum, it has received nearly 400 responses and the story was picked up by several news media outlets online.
You can check out the post in context here, and you can also browse through all of the parenting posts we’ve ever done here.
But before you do that, join in on the conversation and tell us what advice you could give the young mom in the comment section below!
I mean, obviously there's an actual issue here that needs to be resolved. But on the lighter side, "Sure, mom, we will absolutely pay you. However, we're also going to need you to start paying rent so we can afford it."
Well, if the OP is going back to work, she may be hoping that her mother will put in 40-60 hour a week of unpaid child care, child care that's going to become very hard work as the baby gets older and more mobile. I assume that a live-in nanny would cost more than what someone would pay for a bedroom in a shared house, so perhaps it's fair that the mother be paid and not just exchange child care for a bedroom. The family should definitely have a calm discussion about this.
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I have mixed feelings on this and would like to hear from the husband AND the grandmother. Does she have other income like a pension or social security? Even if you're paying her expenses, she still has social needs that sometimes need money like going to have lunch with a friend. Also, it's one thing if she's an emergency sitter or just sits once a month or something, but if she's the primary caregiver, she should be compensated beyond room and board.
I grew up with some friends who lived with their parents and a grandmother. Same style, but as someone mentioned it's one thing to love your grandchild and want to spend time with him, but she probably also does cooking and cleaning, as mentioned she came to help out. I feel like she might be feeling down, instead of being a great grandmother she is more like a nanny/maid. And older we get we still need money for entertainment like a book, a tea with a slice of cake, have personal space and time to be alone, medicine costs. It's hard to judge as there's other two people to tell the story. Personally if I had a baby, and my mum would move in to help me out I would try to make sure the help is used when necessary and not daily like wake child, play, feed, walks, then parents come and still leave the childcare for grandmother. Also inviting her to trips as a gift yes, or as a babysitter so you can go on holiday and spend time just with husband and her again with a child...
There is more I'd like to ask. How much did the gmom ask for in payment? Does she has ANY form of money coming in for her own personal expenses? Does the gmom also do the house cleaning, cooking, etc.?
I agree. There's so much to account for in this kind of circumstance, it's definitely not a black and white issue.
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I sense either disrespect or possible drug/substance issue. Given the grandmother has no expenses she should have a fair amount of income for fun money. I didn't see anything on that so I think it's disrespect. Just because granny might be 65+ it doesn't mean she doesn't wanna leave the house. Maybe she has plans and the parents pulled the we will be right back to many times. Just because she is a grandma doesn't mean she needs a Ouija board for a social life.
I live with my daughter, sign over my S.S. check, help buy food and take care of my granddaughter. My daughter works 40+ hours a week and if I ever need anything, she finds a way to get it for me. Quit being so damn petty and try working together for the benefit of everyone.
Basically OP has unintentionally enslaved the Grandma. I'm sure there has been more than one slave owner who says, "bUt We GiVe ThEm RoOm AnD bOaRd!."
Send the child to daycare. He'll learn a lot more, socialise and be with registered nursery teachers, and the demanding old woman will have no excuse to moan about being taken care of for literally everything. This couple is a saint to even let her live with them with no contribution. The childcare was giving her a reason to be given everything else including holidays free. After all, what does she spend her pension on that she's moaning about wanting more money?
Saint?? Taking care of your parents now qualifies as being a saint? Who keeps track on money spent on parents? Who makes their elderly parents work for them as babysitters?? Jesus...
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I just think the world is becoming more distant and cold day by day man. It's not like she is some other relative but the kid's own grandma... Grandmas are thrilled to take care of their grandkids, my granny flew to Germany to come see us and hopefully take care of us and she did! All 4 of us back then and the 5th one later on. Nanas are second mothers. I love her so much and can't even imagine how a mother can ask for money from her kid ESPECIALLY since she is living for free under their roof. I get being hurt, this is so weird.
Grandmother is a live in slave now. Can't ride a bus without you knowing. Can't buy anything that you don't know about. Couldn't leave if she wanted to.
Hmmm, Responsible for a child 40 hours a week means I can't do my own projects except at night when I'm tired. Would like to buy more yarn/thread/fabric/ for a new project but no cash. Used to watch tv for an hour or so every day but snookums has gotten so active I haven't watch my favorite program in awhile. Used to have a social life but now it's limited to snookums. Love the child but ..... A conversation is in order. What are grandma's expectations. I wouldn't charge her rent but would consider her other needs. Could be the baby is becoming too much for her or too much when it's 8 hours a day 5 days a week.
So on the front before you click they have the lady’s eyes blurred out but when I clicked on it and it showed the picture again her eyes weren’t blurred out. How does this make sense…
I see potentially 2 sides to this. If it is how the mother describes it, then grandma may be taking for granted how much expenses she is saving by not living on her own; and may just be wanting some extra spending money. On the other hand, maybe the mother is having grandma take on a lot (or all) of the baby duties. Babies are hard already, and I can only imagine how much harder it may be for an elder person. In that case, they need to discuss reducing the amounts of duties grandma is taking on and hire a nanny or daycare service. Regardless, I don't think grandma getting paid to watch her own grandchild is a solution.
If you read her question again, she says her mother moved in a few months before baby was born and helped out once in a while when they were in a jam for childcare. Then, at the very end she states she may as well take him to daycare WHEN SHE RETURNS TO WORK. So, either the grandmother is feeling taken advantage of, or she's worried she will be soon. If it's full time work she's returning to, that's obviously too much to expect from someone just "helping out". In any case, once she's asked, she's already saying without saying it that she's unhappy and feels under compensated. As the mother of the child, she needs to be clear in her expectations as well as be willing to pay, family or not, for childcare. Sounds like it's honestly a misunderstanding and a good conversation can sort it out. I mean, grandma's retired. She's had kids and raised them. Now it should be time to enjoy the grandkids while keeping a healthy distance so that the parent roles aren't confusing for the child.
My first reaction was to wonder if the new parents have perhaps been taking advantage of Granny, going off hither and yon as if they didn't have a child and Granny is feeling taken advantage of. Babysitting during a workday is one thing. Being "on demand" in addition to while they are at work is quite another. Does Granny even have any free time of her own? Can she PLAN to do anything she may want? WHO gets up with the baby at night? For that matter, betcha Granny also does quite a bit of housework during the day. Maybe I'm wrong but I got a sense of "entitlement" from the daughter in reading her question. If my intuition is right, the new parents need to step up and become new PARENTS. Appreciate Granny and don't take advantage of her.
Pay her just like you would other daycare. We had a similar situation, she was suddenly short on cash and needed to make some money. Older people don't have the work options young people do. Found out later the reason she needed money was because she "loaned" some of her retirement cash to a deadbeat brother & sister, which is frustrating, but grandma deserves to live without worries.
Why do people automatically assume that just because a parent desires grandchildren, that they are also willing to provide free daycare, every day, all day? Did OP and husband discuss this with her BEFORE the child came? Or did they make her feel obligated because she “owes” them? They say that Grandma helped them with babysitting and “when they were in a bind”, which seemed to indicate that Grandma was the backup sitter, not a full time nanny. Now, the story changes to if Grandma wants to be paid, “I might as well put the baby in nursery”….so obviously Grandma has been moved into full time sitter. I quit my part time job to babysit my daughter’s children and we agreed that she would pay me an amount equal to my part time pay (which was less than professional daycare). You should not offer someone to live with you for free and then expect them to start doing something for you to earn their keep. Does she do anything else around the house? Cook, clean, etc.?
if OP hired a live in nanny they would still need to compensate said nanny minus rent and board. Taking care of an infant when you are a senior is difficult and leaves her unable to do anything else during the week. She may have envisioned her retirement very different from being a full time nanny.
Does she have any income such as pension or similar? If not, I would actually pay her for her "services". It's difficult enough. if you're dependent on the help of your children, because otherwise, you'd hardly survive due to lack of money. For some, it's humiliating to have to ask for money from those, who have taken you in... just because you want to buy something. That being said... there's a difference between enjoying spending time with the grandkids, or being automatically considered a free babysitter, just because you're there and "have nothing else to do"!
Why did they move her in with them in the first place? Is Grandma asking for a little or a lot of payment? Is she watching grandson 5 days a week, 8 hours a day? Does she do other chores around the house regularly? We're not given enough information.
Here in india parents live with kids and they don't need to pay rent for that.
I would do anything for my mom. If she is taking care of my babies and in need of money or feel underapreciated I would pay her officially as well . It's not her responsibility to take care of my children still she is doing it and as a granny much more lovingly than A BABYSITTER I would shower her with gifts and appreciation. But that's my mum not everyone's like that.
OP is completely off. Being a grandparent is not being a full time care provider. And if she thinks mom is in debt to her for 1/3 of house expenses she is on for a bad surprise when she needs to pay for a 24/7 babysitter for a 9 month old.
Just saying, my husband and I are both retired but we own a business. So we have an income. And even though I have full access to our money I miss having my own job( I didn't work in our business, I had a different job) because I miss having my own money. It's nice to just have a few hundred in your wallet that no one else has a say in what you spend or on what you spend it. Maybe grandma just wants her own pocket money?
A conversation is needed so everyone is on the same page. Room, board, plus money is not unreasonable for a live-in nanny, especially when it's your mom. Free vacations are a great treat for a mom and shouldn't be tied to any baby sitting activities. Once the child is more active, a daycare would be a good idea for the child's socialization with peers.
Your mom's a straight up greedy bitch. Not only is she getting free food, free lodging heat etc she also wants you to pay her? Tell her you'll be taking taxes etc and filing it with govt then see what she says rotten old hag
You could charge her rent but by charging her rent you might seem petty if you would live in your present abode whether she lived there or not. Is she doing housework for you in addition to caring for your child? If she is can you offer her $25 per weekday if she completes certain tasks and takes care of your child? Do you make her work on her weekend off? Do you honestly really take her along on vacation so you don’t have to watch your own child? Is she living in a tiny room that you call a bedroom? Can you make a living area that’s mostly for her use? … and make sure she doesn’t work on her days off? … and expect her to be your maid? And the person who does all the labor? And the cooking? And the lawn mowing? And the grocery shopping? Who takes the car to the garage to wait for the oil change? … and lugs the baby safely along with them and gets them safely home? If your MIL didn’t live with you how much would you pay her to do everything she currently does?
Preschool plans? Will she still be welcome to live with you while your child goes to elementary school? Or will you require she move out at some point? Did you put in writing that you will help her pay rent in her own place once you no longer want her as a nanny? These are things you need to talk about cuz babies grow up and no longer need constant minding.
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I think this is more than wanting to be paid, she no longer has her independence, and you are using her for childcare. It really doesn't matter what you think, she thought she would just be spending more time with the family and now she sees that she's actually working. Why not talk to her about providing room and board for her, in exchange for occasional babysitting, and give her a small allowance, so she can feel that she's an independent person. She may be feeling used, and no person wants to feel that way.
I'm surprised at the comments above. I'm sure she loves looking after her grandson and I doubt this is a way to gouge the parents. Maybe she just wants some spending money that she earned through the child care. Sure she is getting free room and board but she may not feel she can ask for anything else. Hell, most people pay their children an allowance for spending money. I'm not sure why this wouldn't be hard to understand and accommodate.
One of the benefits a grandparent has is being able to give the child back at the end of the day or you are just too tired to look after it. Maybe this grandparent wants some personal space and doesn't know how to say so?
Let me get this right, you don't want to pay ur mother for her labor but u r ok with putting ur child in a nursery? WTF? Yes, ur mother should've said something about paying b4 moving with u guys and taking care of YOUR baby. Yes, u should've offered money for taking up the responsibility of babysitting YOUR baby. This is so fukd up. You guys gotta sit down and have a conversation as a family and reach an agreement. Ur baby will be far better staying at home with ur mom, SOMEONE who obvs love ur kid than with a stranger. Also, hello COVID!
The solution is quite simple. You start paying her for childcare and she starts paying you rent and upkeep...
And depending on the number of hours she works... we can find out who owes whom the money in the end.
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During my marriage, we've had my mother, brother and mother-in-law live with us, all at separate times. I will say two things: 1. Communication is important! Talking about expectations and boundaries beforehand is necessary! And 2. I will never have family members live with us again, because despite making boundaries clear, family will be the first to trample all over them.
Just wondering, did OP paid her mother everything that mother has given her since adolecense... For me ill pay whoever babysits my child
Kids don't owe the parents anything it's not their fault they didn't ask to be born
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As a daughter you bear NO responsibility to provide a free place to live for your mother, so you're already doing her a favor. She should have been repaying that favor by babysitting you child for free. Clearly the free lodgings isn't enough, she now wants paid on top, and although grandmothers are NOT OBLIGATED to care for their grandchildren, but this seemed to be a trade-for-trade deal from the get-go. Grandma never brought up an hourly wage in the beginning means she never expected money for it, she's changed her mind now. For the trouble, i'd just pay a nursery for my kid and tell grandma she's now contributing to the rent and living costs from her social security money. That or grandma can find a new place to live.
Watching a kid full time costs way more than food and a bedroom. Let them pay for daycare, it'll be more than Grandma, guaranteed!
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Don't forget that she paid to raise you for years and it is not unreasonable to expect some financial support from you in her declining years. Some payment for her child care might give her some sense of value in her life unless she is demanding an exorbitant amount.
Paying for stuff when raising a kid is obligatory and not the child's fault. The kid doesn't owe the parent money after that, or anything else for that matter. That is a very irrelevant thing to say. Just wanted to make that clear.
Load More Replies... If you are expecting her to work full time, then what you owe her is MORE than what she would owe you for room and board - so yeah, pay her. If you are expecting her to help out a couple hours a day, then what she owes you is more than what you owe her... so she shouldn't be asking to be paid.
Debatable and heavily dependent on where you live. I'm in the US and at federal minimum wage, 8 hours a day 5 days a week, you're looking at about 60 dollars a day, about 20 days a month. Even in my relatively inexpensive area, it's hard finding any place to rent at less than 1200 a month, and if they are also covering board, then she needs to make more hourly than our federal minimum to break even. That said, it is possible that asking for pay is a way of telling them it is too much for her to handle, without being blunt about it. A conversation is warranted.
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If it was me after my mother who raised me and gave me everything I have in life I'd never even think.. She lives with me rent free and we bring her on vacation. If she lived with me and I was able to afford to cover everything that would be that - she's my mother. As for childminding - she didn't suddenly ask unless your expecting too much of her and its stressing her and putting pressure and taking over (my sister did this to me) your expecting her to mind child when you go back to work - why would she do that full time for nothing when you took her in to spend time with your child without it being a full time job. Sounds to me like you have a good mother and you've forgotten everything she's done for you and expect her to youst hand over her time and energy to you freely and gratefully because you allow her to live with you. I could never think of my mother this way.
for advice. No names are provided, so what's your problem?
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I mean, obviously there's an actual issue here that needs to be resolved. But on the lighter side, "Sure, mom, we will absolutely pay you. However, we're also going to need you to start paying rent so we can afford it."
Well, if the OP is going back to work, she may be hoping that her mother will put in 40-60 hour a week of unpaid child care, child care that's going to become very hard work as the baby gets older and more mobile. I assume that a live-in nanny would cost more than what someone would pay for a bedroom in a shared house, so perhaps it's fair that the mother be paid and not just exchange child care for a bedroom. The family should definitely have a calm discussion about this.
Load More Replies... I have mixed feelings on this and would like to hear from the husband AND the grandmother. Does she have other income like a pension or social security? Even if you're paying her expenses, she still has social needs that sometimes need money like going to have lunch with a friend. Also, it's one thing if she's an emergency sitter or just sits once a month or something, but if she's the primary caregiver, she should be compensated beyond room and board.
I grew up with some friends who lived with their parents and a grandmother. Same style, but as someone mentioned it's one thing to love your grandchild and want to spend time with him, but she probably also does cooking and cleaning, as mentioned she came to help out. I feel like she might be feeling down, instead of being a great grandmother she is more like a nanny/maid. And older we get we still need money for entertainment like a book, a tea with a slice of cake, have personal space and time to be alone, medicine costs. It's hard to judge as there's other two people to tell the story. Personally if I had a baby, and my mum would move in to help me out I would try to make sure the help is used when necessary and not daily like wake child, play, feed, walks, then parents come and still leave the childcare for grandmother. Also inviting her to trips as a gift yes, or as a babysitter so you can go on holiday and spend time just with husband and her again with a child...
There is more I'd like to ask. How much did the gmom ask for in payment? Does she has ANY form of money coming in for her own personal expenses? Does the gmom also do the house cleaning, cooking, etc.?
I agree. There's so much to account for in this kind of circumstance, it's definitely not a black and white issue.
Load More Replies... I sense either disrespect or possible drug/substance issue. Given the grandmother has no expenses she should have a fair amount of income for fun money. I didn't see anything on that so I think it's disrespect. Just because granny might be 65+ it doesn't mean she doesn't wanna leave the house. Maybe she has plans and the parents pulled the we will be right back to many times. Just because she is a grandma doesn't mean she needs a Ouija board for a social life.
I live with my daughter, sign over my S.S. check, help buy food and take care of my granddaughter. My daughter works 40+ hours a week and if I ever need anything, she finds a way to get it for me. Quit being so damn petty and try working together for the benefit of everyone.
Basically OP has unintentionally enslaved the Grandma. I'm sure there has been more than one slave owner who says, "bUt We GiVe ThEm RoOm AnD bOaRd!."
Send the child to daycare. He'll learn a lot more, socialise and be with registered nursery teachers, and the demanding old woman will have no excuse to moan about being taken care of for literally everything. This couple is a saint to even let her live with them with no contribution. The childcare was giving her a reason to be given everything else including holidays free. After all, what does she spend her pension on that she's moaning about wanting more money?
Saint?? Taking care of your parents now qualifies as being a saint? Who keeps track on money spent on parents? Who makes their elderly parents work for them as babysitters?? Jesus...
Load More Replies... I just think the world is becoming more distant and cold day by day man. It's not like she is some other relative but the kid's own grandma... Grandmas are thrilled to take care of their grandkids, my granny flew to Germany to come see us and hopefully take care of us and she did! All 4 of us back then and the 5th one later on. Nanas are second mothers. I love her so much and can't even imagine how a mother can ask for money from her kid ESPECIALLY since she is living for free under their roof. I get being hurt, this is so weird.
Grandmother is a live in slave now. Can't ride a bus without you knowing. Can't buy anything that you don't know about. Couldn't leave if she wanted to.
Hmmm, Responsible for a child 40 hours a week means I can't do my own projects except at night when I'm tired. Would like to buy more yarn/thread/fabric/ for a new project but no cash. Used to watch tv for an hour or so every day but snookums has gotten so active I haven't watch my favorite program in awhile. Used to have a social life but now it's limited to snookums. Love the child but ..... A conversation is in order. What are grandma's expectations. I wouldn't charge her rent but would consider her other needs. Could be the baby is becoming too much for her or too much when it's 8 hours a day 5 days a week.
So on the front before you click they have the lady’s eyes blurred out but when I clicked on it and it showed the picture again her eyes weren’t blurred out. How does this make sense…
I see potentially 2 sides to this. If it is how the mother describes it, then grandma may be taking for granted how much expenses she is saving by not living on her own; and may just be wanting some extra spending money. On the other hand, maybe the mother is having grandma take on a lot (or all) of the baby duties. Babies are hard already, and I can only imagine how much harder it may be for an elder person. In that case, they need to discuss reducing the amounts of duties grandma is taking on and hire a nanny or daycare service. Regardless, I don't think grandma getting paid to watch her own grandchild is a solution.
If you read her question again, she says her mother moved in a few months before baby was born and helped out once in a while when they were in a jam for childcare. Then, at the very end she states she may as well take him to daycare WHEN SHE RETURNS TO WORK. So, either the grandmother is feeling taken advantage of, or she's worried she will be soon. If it's full time work she's returning to, that's obviously too much to expect from someone just "helping out". In any case, once she's asked, she's already saying without saying it that she's unhappy and feels under compensated. As the mother of the child, she needs to be clear in her expectations as well as be willing to pay, family or not, for childcare. Sounds like it's honestly a misunderstanding and a good conversation can sort it out. I mean, grandma's retired. She's had kids and raised them. Now it should be time to enjoy the grandkids while keeping a healthy distance so that the parent roles aren't confusing for the child.
My first reaction was to wonder if the new parents have perhaps been taking advantage of Granny, going off hither and yon as if they didn't have a child and Granny is feeling taken advantage of. Babysitting during a workday is one thing. Being "on demand" in addition to while they are at work is quite another. Does Granny even have any free time of her own? Can she PLAN to do anything she may want? WHO gets up with the baby at night? For that matter, betcha Granny also does quite a bit of housework during the day. Maybe I'm wrong but I got a sense of "entitlement" from the daughter in reading her question. If my intuition is right, the new parents need to step up and become new PARENTS. Appreciate Granny and don't take advantage of her.
Pay her just like you would other daycare. We had a similar situation, she was suddenly short on cash and needed to make some money. Older people don't have the work options young people do. Found out later the reason she needed money was because she "loaned" some of her retirement cash to a deadbeat brother & sister, which is frustrating, but grandma deserves to live without worries.
Why do people automatically assume that just because a parent desires grandchildren, that they are also willing to provide free daycare, every day, all day? Did OP and husband discuss this with her BEFORE the child came? Or did they make her feel obligated because she “owes” them? They say that Grandma helped them with babysitting and “when they were in a bind”, which seemed to indicate that Grandma was the backup sitter, not a full time nanny. Now, the story changes to if Grandma wants to be paid, “I might as well put the baby in nursery”….so obviously Grandma has been moved into full time sitter. I quit my part time job to babysit my daughter’s children and we agreed that she would pay me an amount equal to my part time pay (which was less than professional daycare). You should not offer someone to live with you for free and then expect them to start doing something for you to earn their keep. Does she do anything else around the house? Cook, clean, etc.?
if OP hired a live in nanny they would still need to compensate said nanny minus rent and board. Taking care of an infant when you are a senior is difficult and leaves her unable to do anything else during the week. She may have envisioned her retirement very different from being a full time nanny.
Does she have any income such as pension or similar? If not, I would actually pay her for her "services". It's difficult enough. if you're dependent on the help of your children, because otherwise, you'd hardly survive due to lack of money. For some, it's humiliating to have to ask for money from those, who have taken you in... just because you want to buy something. That being said... there's a difference between enjoying spending time with the grandkids, or being automatically considered a free babysitter, just because you're there and "have nothing else to do"!
Why did they move her in with them in the first place? Is Grandma asking for a little or a lot of payment? Is she watching grandson 5 days a week, 8 hours a day? Does she do other chores around the house regularly? We're not given enough information.
Here in india parents live with kids and they don't need to pay rent for that.
I would do anything for my mom. If she is taking care of my babies and in need of money or feel underapreciated I would pay her officially as well . It's not her responsibility to take care of my children still she is doing it and as a granny much more lovingly than A BABYSITTER I would shower her with gifts and appreciation. But that's my mum not everyone's like that.
OP is completely off. Being a grandparent is not being a full time care provider. And if she thinks mom is in debt to her for 1/3 of house expenses she is on for a bad surprise when she needs to pay for a 24/7 babysitter for a 9 month old.
Just saying, my husband and I are both retired but we own a business. So we have an income. And even though I have full access to our money I miss having my own job( I didn't work in our business, I had a different job) because I miss having my own money. It's nice to just have a few hundred in your wallet that no one else has a say in what you spend or on what you spend it. Maybe grandma just wants her own pocket money?
A conversation is needed so everyone is on the same page. Room, board, plus money is not unreasonable for a live-in nanny, especially when it's your mom. Free vacations are a great treat for a mom and shouldn't be tied to any baby sitting activities. Once the child is more active, a daycare would be a good idea for the child's socialization with peers.
Your mom's a straight up greedy bitch. Not only is she getting free food, free lodging heat etc she also wants you to pay her? Tell her you'll be taking taxes etc and filing it with govt then see what she says rotten old hag
You could charge her rent but by charging her rent you might seem petty if you would live in your present abode whether she lived there or not. Is she doing housework for you in addition to caring for your child? If she is can you offer her $25 per weekday if she completes certain tasks and takes care of your child? Do you make her work on her weekend off? Do you honestly really take her along on vacation so you don’t have to watch your own child? Is she living in a tiny room that you call a bedroom? Can you make a living area that’s mostly for her use? … and make sure she doesn’t work on her days off? … and expect her to be your maid? And the person who does all the labor? And the cooking? And the lawn mowing? And the grocery shopping? Who takes the car to the garage to wait for the oil change? … and lugs the baby safely along with them and gets them safely home? If your MIL didn’t live with you how much would you pay her to do everything she currently does?
Preschool plans? Will she still be welcome to live with you while your child goes to elementary school? Or will you require she move out at some point? Did you put in writing that you will help her pay rent in her own place once you no longer want her as a nanny? These are things you need to talk about cuz babies grow up and no longer need constant minding.
Load More Replies... I think this is more than wanting to be paid, she no longer has her independence, and you are using her for childcare. It really doesn't matter what you think, she thought she would just be spending more time with the family and now she sees that she's actually working. Why not talk to her about providing room and board for her, in exchange for occasional babysitting, and give her a small allowance, so she can feel that she's an independent person. She may be feeling used, and no person wants to feel that way.
I'm surprised at the comments above. I'm sure she loves looking after her grandson and I doubt this is a way to gouge the parents. Maybe she just wants some spending money that she earned through the child care. Sure she is getting free room and board but she may not feel she can ask for anything else. Hell, most people pay their children an allowance for spending money. I'm not sure why this wouldn't be hard to understand and accommodate.
One of the benefits a grandparent has is being able to give the child back at the end of the day or you are just too tired to look after it. Maybe this grandparent wants some personal space and doesn't know how to say so?
Let me get this right, you don't want to pay ur mother for her labor but u r ok with putting ur child in a nursery? WTF? Yes, ur mother should've said something about paying b4 moving with u guys and taking care of YOUR baby. Yes, u should've offered money for taking up the responsibility of babysitting YOUR baby. This is so fukd up. You guys gotta sit down and have a conversation as a family and reach an agreement. Ur baby will be far better staying at home with ur mom, SOMEONE who obvs love ur kid than with a stranger. Also, hello COVID!
The solution is quite simple. You start paying her for childcare and she starts paying you rent and upkeep...
And depending on the number of hours she works... we can find out who owes whom the money in the end.
Load More Replies... During my marriage, we've had my mother, brother and mother-in-law live with us, all at separate times. I will say two things: 1. Communication is important! Talking about expectations and boundaries beforehand is necessary! And 2. I will never have family members live with us again, because despite making boundaries clear, family will be the first to trample all over them.
Just wondering, did OP paid her mother everything that mother has given her since adolecense... For me ill pay whoever babysits my child
Kids don't owe the parents anything it's not their fault they didn't ask to be born
Load More Replies... As a daughter you bear NO responsibility to provide a free place to live for your mother, so you're already doing her a favor. She should have been repaying that favor by babysitting you child for free. Clearly the free lodgings isn't enough, she now wants paid on top, and although grandmothers are NOT OBLIGATED to care for their grandchildren, but this seemed to be a trade-for-trade deal from the get-go. Grandma never brought up an hourly wage in the beginning means she never expected money for it, she's changed her mind now. For the trouble, i'd just pay a nursery for my kid and tell grandma she's now contributing to the rent and living costs from her social security money. That or grandma can find a new place to live.
Watching a kid full time costs way more than food and a bedroom. Let them pay for daycare, it'll be more than Grandma, guaranteed!
Load More Replies... Don't forget that she paid to raise you for years and it is not unreasonable to expect some financial support from you in her declining years. Some payment for her child care might give her some sense of value in her life unless she is demanding an exorbitant amount.
Paying for stuff when raising a kid is obligatory and not the child's fault. The kid doesn't owe the parent money after that, or anything else for that matter. That is a very irrelevant thing to say. Just wanted to make that clear.
Load More Replies... If you are expecting her to work full time, then what you owe her is MORE than what she would owe you for room and board - so yeah, pay her. If you are expecting her to help out a couple hours a day, then what she owes you is more than what you owe her... so she shouldn't be asking to be paid.
Debatable and heavily dependent on where you live. I'm in the US and at federal minimum wage, 8 hours a day 5 days a week, you're looking at about 60 dollars a day, about 20 days a month. Even in my relatively inexpensive area, it's hard finding any place to rent at less than 1200 a month, and if they are also covering board, then she needs to make more hourly than our federal minimum to break even. That said, it is possible that asking for pay is a way of telling them it is too much for her to handle, without being blunt about it. A conversation is warranted.
Load More Replies... If it was me after my mother who raised me and gave me everything I have in life I'd never even think.. She lives with me rent free and we bring her on vacation. If she lived with me and I was able to afford to cover everything that would be that - she's my mother. As for childminding - she didn't suddenly ask unless your expecting too much of her and its stressing her and putting pressure and taking over (my sister did this to me) your expecting her to mind child when you go back to work - why would she do that full time for nothing when you took her in to spend time with your child without it being a full time job. Sounds to me like you have a good mother and you've forgotten everything she's done for you and expect her to youst hand over her time and energy to you freely and gratefully because you allow her to live with you. I could never think of my mother this way.
for advice. No names are provided, so what's your problem?
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