Graduate Shares Exciting News With Parents, Their Reaction Leaves Her Heartbroken
One of the most amazing things about being a parent is witnessing and celebrating all the milestones your child goes through. Whether it’s lacing up a shoe, acing a test, or riding a bike, making these moments memorable and filled with excitement boosts kids’ confidence and encourages their continuous growth, too.
Unfortunately, when this woman completed her PhD and announced the good news to her parents, they couldn’t be less enthusiastic about it. This completely broke her heart, which pushed her to share about it online.
Parents who celebrate their children’s successes boost their confidence and growth
Image credits: unsplash (not the actual photo)
Unfortunately, these parents failed to do so, which left their daughter heartbroken
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: DraculasCoffin
“As adults, those who never experienced positive reinforcement as children fear failure”
Image credits: unsplash (not the actual photo)
Studies have shown that when parents celebrate their children’s successes and milestones, they are building their kids’ self-esteem, confidence, and motivation to pursue their goals and interests. This ultimately shapes them to be resilient, determined, and well-rounded individuals. No matter how big or small, acknowledging their efforts and growth creates a positive reinforcement environment, where children feel valued and supported and have an overall good emotional well-being.
Acknowledging milestones and successes also strengthens family bonds. By actively being there for their children and celebrating their triumphs, parents are fostering a deeper emotional connection with their children, which lets kids know that they’ll always have the support and guidance they need.
Making a child’s milestones and successes memorable doesn’t always have to be elaborate, either. Sometimes all it takes is a verbal phrase, like saying, ‘You did great today, bub! I’m proud of you. Your hard work really paid off.’ At other times, it can come in the form of a reward, such as a treat or a sticker. Bigger milestones might already require a family celebration, like a dinner or a movie night.
Unfortunately, not every child gets that, which can lead to undesirable traits in adulthood, like anxiety, fear of failure, or even imposter syndrome.
“As adults, those who never experienced positive reinforcement as children fear failure and as a result they tend to avoid opportunities and challenges due to fear of not ‘measuring up’ or meeting expectations,” psychologist Dr. Adolph Brown pointed out. “This is all correlated to the lack of support and encouragement they received as children.”
Positive reinforcement from parents is important in adulthood, too
Image credits: unsplash (not the actual photo)
Receiving positive reinforcement from parents isn’t only crucial in childhood, but it’s important in adulthood, too. It helps to maintain good relationships with adult children and lessens the likelihood of conflict, stress, and anxiety. Even if it’s a simple card from parents, feeling supported, appreciated, and loved is very impactful for adults.
That said, some are of the opinion that parents shouldn’t be too focused on kids’ achievements, as too much pressure to succeed can cause stress and anxiety, which hinders their likelihood of accomplishing something. Unrealistically h**h expectations can be counterproductive, especially when it comes to education.
“Although parental aspiration can help improve children’s academic performance, excessive parental aspiration can be poisonous,” said lead author Kou Murayama of a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. “Simply raising aspiration cannot be an effective solution to improve success in education,” Murayama said.
So how can parents help their children succeed without unintentionally putting too much pressure that can interfere with their milestones and achievements? Well, one solution could be to celebrate their failures as much as their successes. If parents want their children to develop, their kids have to know that experiencing mistakes is how we learn and grow. They’re sometimes even more beneficial than our small, easy wins. As Billie Jean King said, “It’s not failure, it’s feedback.”
Netizens flooded the original poster’s post with support
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Share on FacebookOur brilliant, talented millennial daughter, because of many mental issues, was a "failure to launch" child. She tried a bunch of things but could not follow through on a lot of them. We supported her, maybe too much, but she recently graduated college with a tech degree in the worst time possible as far as job availability. I was in tears when she graduated because SHE DID THE THING AND I WAS SO PROUD OF HER! Then, after months of applying SHE GOT A REAL JOB AND CAN BE INDEPENDENT! There are times you have to pull support and contact with children because of different issues. But sometimes you just have to believe in them and be patient that they will find a way. I don't understand parents who don't celebrate even the small accomplishments of their kids who struggle. I'm glad the Netizens have this woman's back!
Aww, you're an awesome parent. There are so many parents that would just denigrate their kids for their 'failure to launch' and that would be the end of it. I have been trying to complete my degree for over a decade on and off but have had health issues, both physical and mental, get in the way, which has resulted in me missing multiple years of study. My mother -- who I love dearly, and rarely have anything bad to say about -- used to make 'jokes' about me hopefully finishing uni before she died/why was it taking me so long etc until I pulled her up and said "look, I get I've spent a long time doing this course, but you are hurting my feelings. I am trying to do this and if you're trying to make me feel bad, you're succeeding. I ask that you stop otherwise I will pull back from you." Until then I had never been (never had to be) so blunt to her. To her credit, she copped it on the chin, but it's one of those 'forgive, but don't forget' things. TL;DR -- thank you for supporting your daughter so wholeheartedly. ❤️
Load More Replies...My final university graduating thesis was published nationwide (No, I'm not a genius, it was "just" actual and empirical at that time of my graduation). My "family's" reaction was NONE. Now, just my mother is still alive, to whom I spoke last in 2009 ....
Well, if you want a weird old uncle, I promise to be proud of your accomplishment.
Load More Replies...Playing devil's advocate for a bit - op says that her grandmother had been sick with cancer and then died, this means that one of her parents has watched their mother get ill (maybe they had to care for her) and die - doesn't sound as if they've had their best year either, perhaps they are emotionally numb too. Grief can eff you up.
I know how this feels. I've always been the family dissapointment, nothing I do has ever been good enough. One time, I had to take a programming class. (Why it was required for my major, I still don't know, but it was). I struggled to the point of needing a private tutor. On the first major exam, I ended getting the second highest score in the class. Over 100 percent. Brought it home to show my parents, and their response? "That's nice, but we're watching tv right now. Can it wait for a commercial?"
That's brutal. I'm so sorry. (And I'm proud of your achievements! Studying programming is incredibly hard if it's not 'your thing'. My P in programming was a sign that I needed to pursue things I was actively good at, not just something in which I was interested. And it's not like programmers 'in the real world' don't Google their code half the time anyway.)
Load More Replies...My old man played golf instead of attending my graduation - I didn't bother even inviting them the next two times. My Honours thesis was used by a national sporting team to reorganise their coaching team - I was thrilled, my family? Crickets. Not a sport they followed so zero interest.
… wow. I’m sorry you had to go through that. What an awesome achievement with your thesis! Not everyone gets to add that to their résumé! You should be super proud of yourself. Also super proud of you ❤️
Load More Replies...I never went for a PhD., stopped after a Master's, and my parents were there and proud of me. I've been dealing with mental health issues all my life and it took me 6 years instead of 4 to get a Batchelor's, but they supported me the whole way. I can't imagine how hard it is to not get recognition for something as important as that.
I was the first person in either my father's or mother's families to go to university, over 40 years ago. When I told them I was going, their question was "why bother?". When I was invited to stay on to do a PhD, they told me I seemed to be "work shy". In my case, it was because I wasn't the golden child - they were heartbroken when the golden child didn't go to university a couple of years after me. Some parents will just never cheer on some of their children. They seriously asked me if I *really* wanted them to drive three hours each way for my graduation. Wish I had said no in hindsight. They never understood why I stayed at Uni for most of my Christmas and Easter holidays rather than be with my family. Nor could they understand why I moved so far away from them after finishing at uni.
I’m so sorry, that sounds awful. Invitation to a PhD rather than applying to do one… that in itself is an amazing achievement, let alone reaching the end. So proud of you for making it there and I hope you’re doing well for yourself ❤️
Load More Replies...There was no chance for college for me when I graduated high school, it was off to a factory job for me. After 2 years of that, I decided I had to go back to school. Told mom, first words out of her mouth were “The only reason you want to go to college is so you can find a husband!” I was so hurt. Found a way to go anyway. I’m 68 years old, she’s gone 23 years now, and those words still cut like a knife.
I’m glad you found a way to go, and I’m sorry you were told that. How awful. Hugs if you want ❤️
Load More Replies...I have a birth defect and have been underestimated my whole life. People have told my mom they didn’t expect me To do anything my whole life and are surprised I did. What I find helps Is acknowledging the hardships. You’re downplaying how hard the pandemic and everything else was on everyone. It has had an effect on younger children social skills. If it helps I know you feel And I’m Proud of you. I got my BA in cinema but due to health issues it took almost ten years.
Congratulations! I hope you immediately took your degree and started using it to fan yourself in front of your naysayers 😂 Seriously though, so proud of you ❤️
Load More Replies...Intellectually, this was the most challenging thing you likely ever did. Regardless of if it earns you a Diploma, Doctor, whatever title - different from titles you inherit, this one really reflects on who you are and what you can do. It represents, very likely, your skills, interests, generally you. If they aren't proud of you now, and don't seem happier than they'd have been about a great grade at school, something's off, something's broken, something just doesn't sit right.
I really feel for OP. I left college after one semester. Worked for a while, paid a little rent at home, ended up getting pregnant and keeping my son. (Best thing that ever happened to me.) I went back to college and graduated in 5 years at age 29. VERY difficult with a small child. The last year, I stayed up the entire night ONCE PER WEEK in order to keep up with my work. I had straight As at community college and almost straight As at the U where I got my BA in computer science. Had a job the Monday after I graduated. They made a huge deal when my older sister graduated college. They had a little get together for me. But the only two people who even made mention of the reason we were all there were my aunt and my brother and sister-in-law. My parents, other siblings, nieces and nephews in their early 20s - nobody said a single thing. Still hurts 30 years later.
Big expectations usually lead to big disappointments. They said congrats, they were happy for her, and they all went out to celebrate. Sounds nice to me! Who cares if dad didn't want a piece of cake and had plans after, she's really fussing over unimportant details. Mom's comment was kind of s****y, but forgivable given the circumstances, and I'm sure mom also said congrats and other kind things not mentioned and not JUST that comment. My parents said the same thing to me when I graduated after dropping out for a few years and I didn't find it mean, they're human and had understandable doubts.
Any parent who's dismissive regarding their child's academic achievements doesn't deserve to be part of any other milestones in their life (engagement, wedding, baby announcement/birth). All they deserve is getting grayrocked when they ask.
Yes! Yes! You do deserve fireworks and cake! And hugs and happy dances and a party! I wish I could give you all of these. I forget which Nordic cou try gives those who achieve their doctorate a sword,, but you deserve that too.
My parents were kind of like this. I don't think they even attended my graduation. lmao
I'd like to say a word or two for the parents: This is why there are graduation ceremonies. Frankly, it's why there are wedding ceremonies, funerals, etc. It's because people often need the right context to celebrate. If you think about high school graduation, for example, it's rare for there to be some kind of big to-do when a senior takes the last final -- especially if no one knew it would be happening that day. On top of needing a context to celebrate, the parents may not really grasp what this achievement means. They might be thinking, "Good. Done with school," but if OP has been out of classes for a while, and just in the limbo of writing a thesis and waiting for it to be accepted, some of the immediacy of the thing is lost. And finally, it sounds like OP got the news at like 1:30 on a Tuesday afternoon (or the equivalent). People had just eaten and already had plans for the day. What was she expecting?
They went to the pastry shop the NEXT DAY. Surely Dad could have been a bit more enthusiastic.
Load More Replies...Our brilliant, talented millennial daughter, because of many mental issues, was a "failure to launch" child. She tried a bunch of things but could not follow through on a lot of them. We supported her, maybe too much, but she recently graduated college with a tech degree in the worst time possible as far as job availability. I was in tears when she graduated because SHE DID THE THING AND I WAS SO PROUD OF HER! Then, after months of applying SHE GOT A REAL JOB AND CAN BE INDEPENDENT! There are times you have to pull support and contact with children because of different issues. But sometimes you just have to believe in them and be patient that they will find a way. I don't understand parents who don't celebrate even the small accomplishments of their kids who struggle. I'm glad the Netizens have this woman's back!
Aww, you're an awesome parent. There are so many parents that would just denigrate their kids for their 'failure to launch' and that would be the end of it. I have been trying to complete my degree for over a decade on and off but have had health issues, both physical and mental, get in the way, which has resulted in me missing multiple years of study. My mother -- who I love dearly, and rarely have anything bad to say about -- used to make 'jokes' about me hopefully finishing uni before she died/why was it taking me so long etc until I pulled her up and said "look, I get I've spent a long time doing this course, but you are hurting my feelings. I am trying to do this and if you're trying to make me feel bad, you're succeeding. I ask that you stop otherwise I will pull back from you." Until then I had never been (never had to be) so blunt to her. To her credit, she copped it on the chin, but it's one of those 'forgive, but don't forget' things. TL;DR -- thank you for supporting your daughter so wholeheartedly. ❤️
Load More Replies...My final university graduating thesis was published nationwide (No, I'm not a genius, it was "just" actual and empirical at that time of my graduation). My "family's" reaction was NONE. Now, just my mother is still alive, to whom I spoke last in 2009 ....
Well, if you want a weird old uncle, I promise to be proud of your accomplishment.
Load More Replies...Playing devil's advocate for a bit - op says that her grandmother had been sick with cancer and then died, this means that one of her parents has watched their mother get ill (maybe they had to care for her) and die - doesn't sound as if they've had their best year either, perhaps they are emotionally numb too. Grief can eff you up.
I know how this feels. I've always been the family dissapointment, nothing I do has ever been good enough. One time, I had to take a programming class. (Why it was required for my major, I still don't know, but it was). I struggled to the point of needing a private tutor. On the first major exam, I ended getting the second highest score in the class. Over 100 percent. Brought it home to show my parents, and their response? "That's nice, but we're watching tv right now. Can it wait for a commercial?"
That's brutal. I'm so sorry. (And I'm proud of your achievements! Studying programming is incredibly hard if it's not 'your thing'. My P in programming was a sign that I needed to pursue things I was actively good at, not just something in which I was interested. And it's not like programmers 'in the real world' don't Google their code half the time anyway.)
Load More Replies...My old man played golf instead of attending my graduation - I didn't bother even inviting them the next two times. My Honours thesis was used by a national sporting team to reorganise their coaching team - I was thrilled, my family? Crickets. Not a sport they followed so zero interest.
… wow. I’m sorry you had to go through that. What an awesome achievement with your thesis! Not everyone gets to add that to their résumé! You should be super proud of yourself. Also super proud of you ❤️
Load More Replies...I never went for a PhD., stopped after a Master's, and my parents were there and proud of me. I've been dealing with mental health issues all my life and it took me 6 years instead of 4 to get a Batchelor's, but they supported me the whole way. I can't imagine how hard it is to not get recognition for something as important as that.
I was the first person in either my father's or mother's families to go to university, over 40 years ago. When I told them I was going, their question was "why bother?". When I was invited to stay on to do a PhD, they told me I seemed to be "work shy". In my case, it was because I wasn't the golden child - they were heartbroken when the golden child didn't go to university a couple of years after me. Some parents will just never cheer on some of their children. They seriously asked me if I *really* wanted them to drive three hours each way for my graduation. Wish I had said no in hindsight. They never understood why I stayed at Uni for most of my Christmas and Easter holidays rather than be with my family. Nor could they understand why I moved so far away from them after finishing at uni.
I’m so sorry, that sounds awful. Invitation to a PhD rather than applying to do one… that in itself is an amazing achievement, let alone reaching the end. So proud of you for making it there and I hope you’re doing well for yourself ❤️
Load More Replies...There was no chance for college for me when I graduated high school, it was off to a factory job for me. After 2 years of that, I decided I had to go back to school. Told mom, first words out of her mouth were “The only reason you want to go to college is so you can find a husband!” I was so hurt. Found a way to go anyway. I’m 68 years old, she’s gone 23 years now, and those words still cut like a knife.
I’m glad you found a way to go, and I’m sorry you were told that. How awful. Hugs if you want ❤️
Load More Replies...I have a birth defect and have been underestimated my whole life. People have told my mom they didn’t expect me To do anything my whole life and are surprised I did. What I find helps Is acknowledging the hardships. You’re downplaying how hard the pandemic and everything else was on everyone. It has had an effect on younger children social skills. If it helps I know you feel And I’m Proud of you. I got my BA in cinema but due to health issues it took almost ten years.
Congratulations! I hope you immediately took your degree and started using it to fan yourself in front of your naysayers 😂 Seriously though, so proud of you ❤️
Load More Replies...Intellectually, this was the most challenging thing you likely ever did. Regardless of if it earns you a Diploma, Doctor, whatever title - different from titles you inherit, this one really reflects on who you are and what you can do. It represents, very likely, your skills, interests, generally you. If they aren't proud of you now, and don't seem happier than they'd have been about a great grade at school, something's off, something's broken, something just doesn't sit right.
I really feel for OP. I left college after one semester. Worked for a while, paid a little rent at home, ended up getting pregnant and keeping my son. (Best thing that ever happened to me.) I went back to college and graduated in 5 years at age 29. VERY difficult with a small child. The last year, I stayed up the entire night ONCE PER WEEK in order to keep up with my work. I had straight As at community college and almost straight As at the U where I got my BA in computer science. Had a job the Monday after I graduated. They made a huge deal when my older sister graduated college. They had a little get together for me. But the only two people who even made mention of the reason we were all there were my aunt and my brother and sister-in-law. My parents, other siblings, nieces and nephews in their early 20s - nobody said a single thing. Still hurts 30 years later.
Big expectations usually lead to big disappointments. They said congrats, they were happy for her, and they all went out to celebrate. Sounds nice to me! Who cares if dad didn't want a piece of cake and had plans after, she's really fussing over unimportant details. Mom's comment was kind of s****y, but forgivable given the circumstances, and I'm sure mom also said congrats and other kind things not mentioned and not JUST that comment. My parents said the same thing to me when I graduated after dropping out for a few years and I didn't find it mean, they're human and had understandable doubts.
Any parent who's dismissive regarding their child's academic achievements doesn't deserve to be part of any other milestones in their life (engagement, wedding, baby announcement/birth). All they deserve is getting grayrocked when they ask.
Yes! Yes! You do deserve fireworks and cake! And hugs and happy dances and a party! I wish I could give you all of these. I forget which Nordic cou try gives those who achieve their doctorate a sword,, but you deserve that too.
My parents were kind of like this. I don't think they even attended my graduation. lmao
I'd like to say a word or two for the parents: This is why there are graduation ceremonies. Frankly, it's why there are wedding ceremonies, funerals, etc. It's because people often need the right context to celebrate. If you think about high school graduation, for example, it's rare for there to be some kind of big to-do when a senior takes the last final -- especially if no one knew it would be happening that day. On top of needing a context to celebrate, the parents may not really grasp what this achievement means. They might be thinking, "Good. Done with school," but if OP has been out of classes for a while, and just in the limbo of writing a thesis and waiting for it to be accepted, some of the immediacy of the thing is lost. And finally, it sounds like OP got the news at like 1:30 on a Tuesday afternoon (or the equivalent). People had just eaten and already had plans for the day. What was she expecting?
They went to the pastry shop the NEXT DAY. Surely Dad could have been a bit more enthusiastic.
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