“[Am I The Jerk] For Wanting My Girlfriend To Wear Appropriate Shoes To An Event?”
If you ever came to school with only a bikini, you would be sent home to change or even punished for violating the dress code; however, it is completely normal to show up like that at the beach. Even though that is an extreme example, it illustrates that certain places and events have their own appropriate attire and violating the dress code would make you look like you’re out of place.
This man on Reddit was very concerned about the shoes his girlfriend was planning to wear to his work event and went online to find out if he was asking too much because he didn’t want to damage his image, which could jeopardize his career.
More info: Reddit
Man invited his girlfriend to a formal work event but was irritated with her when she refused to wear women’s shoes, fearing for his image
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Image credits: HannaElise (not the actual image)
The Original Poster (OP) starts his story by introducing his girlfriend. Apparently, she doesn’t like to buy things that are unnecessary and impractical, she only buys something new when the thing she has is no longer usable and she doesn’t put on makeup or jewelry.
It isn’t because of political reasons and she isn’t consciously being a minimalist, she just genuinely doesn’t care about having a lot of things and them being there just for the beauty of it. It isn’t about the money, either, because when she does buy things, they are expensive and of good quality.
The problem the boyfriend has is that she sometimes dresses weirdly. In his eyes, the clothes she pairs up doesn’t match and it is hard to buy her things as she won’t care about them. Her view on things makes the OP think that she is autistic, even though she hasn’t been diagnosed.
For the most part, the OP can bear it, but in the comments he expressed his frustration: “I do appreciate her! It’s just sometimes it feels like she doesn’t even try to be a girl – what do you buy for a girl’s birthday if she doesn’t see jewellery as anything more than expensive rocks?”
The OP described his girlfriend as non-materialistic and practical as she doesn’t see sense in having things just for the sake of it
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The man doesn’t mind his girlfriend’s appearance for the most part, but recently, he invited her to a formal work event and it made him worry how he will look in front of his boss and colleagues when his girlfriend shows up in a fancy dress and a pair of formal men’s shoes, as she doesn’t have anything else to wear other than her everyday sneakers.
In the comments, the OP explained that his job depends on it and he needs to make a good impression. Coming alone would make him look bad as well, so he asked his girlfriend to buy some high heels, which she refused to wear as they are uncomfortable.
She’s not doing it because she follows an ideology or because she doesn’t have money, but things only have practical value to her
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Bored Panda reached out to Relationship Expert and Founder of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy Emma K. Viglucci to help us analyze this situation. We were interested to know if the OP’s girlfriend should be concerned about her boyfriend’s requirements. Emma K. Viglucci gives a different perspective, “No one can be forced to do anything really–she could exercise other choices like not going, wearing what she wants anyway, or wearing something that honors her and respects her boyfriend’s opinion. She can deliver all these options from compassion and understanding from where he is coming from and still honor her truth/desires. This is not a concern about him ‘forcing her’ it’s a concern about will she allow herself to be forced.”
The woman did just that as shoes that are uncomfortable that make your feet hurt like they’re falling off and make you feel unstable didn’t appeal to the woman, so she said she would rather not go. The issue of heels is actually deeper than just comfort and the girlfriend explained to the OP that she doesn’t like the expectation and wants to change that.
That means that her outfits are not the embodiment of the latest fashion trends
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It seems that the OP understood where she was coming from and wouldn’t say anything in any other circumstance, but at his work, everyone is shallow and men’s shoes would make people there make assumptions about him that he wouldn’t want.
Unfortunately, Emma K. Viglucci observes that it is very common for people to get embarrassed about their partners when it should be that way. She explains the reasons behind such feelings nd what consequences they can have, “When partners are ashamed of their partner it is because they are judging or assigning some meaning or negative definition to the other. Partners love to control the other, be in their circle, but this disempowers both.”
In the Relationship Expert’s opinion, “Partners need to learn to mind their own circle and not their partner’s. When we are in our own circle we are not likely to judge or be disturbed by what our partner is wearing. We are when we go in their circle and try to tell them how they should be. When we are in another’s circle we have no control or power hence all the negative feelings. But we do have power and control in our own circle–we can address things we don’t like by expressing how we are impacted and how it makes us feels, not by telling the other what to do. Very different approach and a lot more respectful and empowering for both. ”
That doesn’t particularly bother the OP most of the time, but he wasn’t happy about her wearing men’s shoes with a formal dress to his work event
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Image credits: Chloe Muro (not the actual image)
In the end, the woman agreed to buy women’s shoes that would fit the occasion with a lower heel that would be easy to kick off under the table. However, people in the comments noticed more red flags about the boyfriend.
They didn’t like how he couldn’t come up with any other gift apart from things because any other woman likes jewelry. They also were doubtful that his girlfriend’s shoes would really make him look so bad that his career would be on the line. People were also weirded out about the comment that his girlfriend might be autistic because she doesn’t see value in materialistic things. Emma K. Viglucci admitted that “there are a lot of symptoms and signs of autism and this could be one of them,” but this one alone doesn’t mean anything as “there are plenty of people who care about a lot of things that have no practical value.”
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On the other hand, there were people who imagined that a cocktail dress wouldn’t match with formal men’s shoes the best and suggested that maybe the girlfriend could wear a suit instead because even the ones who were defending the OP understood the girlfriend’s wish for her feet to be comfortable.
While some people were judgemental of the OP for wanting his girlfriend to look a certain way and not accepting who she is, others argued that his work event has certain rules, so a supportive partner would put in extra effort to make them look professional.
He was worried about his image at work and actually feared it damaging his career
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Dress codes have existed for a long time already and date back a millennia ago, when nobility and royalty used clothing to differentiate themselves from other people. Now it is implemented to give a guide to people on how to dress so that there is a common understanding. For example, it is expected from people in Western cultures to wear black clothing at a funeral and not to wear white at a wedding if you are not the bride.
However, it faces a lot of criticism, especially in school and work environments. In schools, the blame is most often put on girls as their clothes are often described as distracting for the boys, and it makes them feel ashamed of their bodies. People also think that at work, dress codes are ineffective and uncomfortable. Employees feel like the companies put more attention on the person’s appearance than the results of their work.
Although the woman didn’t want to wear uncomfortable shoes, the couple reached a compromise of her wearing low heels
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Image credits: Nicholas Ng (not the actual image)
It is hard to get rid of traditions even if they are flawed because that’s what people did for centuries and those are thoughts they were brought up with. But do you think the OP took it too far? Or do you think his fear of being judged as the employee with the odd girlfriend is valid? Let us know your thoughts in the comments!
But a lot of people didn’t think it was right to force her to wear what she didn’t want to; others agreed that men’s formal shoes would look out of place with a dress
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The whole focus/argument was on changing her choice of shoes. Why not change the outfit? Instead of an "evening gown" -- why not wear a tux or a silk pantsuit or something along those lines?
The last formal event I went to I got a fancy swishy pants outfit so I could wear comfy shoes that "went with" the outfit. Was it different than what most people wore, yes. Was it formal, appropriate, comfortable, and looked good on me? Heck ya! The focus should be on the whole outfit to be comfortable and appropriate.
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Everyone is so hell-bent on making the guy look like he only cares about looks, but watch your partner walk in on battered shoes or in a shirt with holes in them for weeks on end and see how you feel about it. It's perfectly fine to not be materialistic, but it's also fine if your partner likes to see you put in a little effort. Making an effort doesn't automatically mean you're going back to the 50's, you can also buy nice women's shoes that are more comfortable than heels. It's 2022, the options are limitless. I'm glad for OP that they talked about it and came to a solution together.
Thank you ! It's not always about looks or comfort but making an effort
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1940s style mary janes might be an option that walks the line between fancy and practical, but I agree. Women's shoes suck. I own 3 pair that I actually wear, sneakers for work and hiking boots or sandals at home. Or barefoot.
I own a pair of orthopedic mary janes; they're super comfy, and they look nice. Very practical and they go with just about everything. They were very expensive, but they have lasted me more than 10 years.
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as a person who *is* actually autistic, that comment is just plain offensive. he's going on about her fashion style and stubbornness about shoes, and due to that he calls her autistic?! no. just no. yes, us autistic people can be a little alternative when it comes to how we present ourselves, and no, not all people that do have autism are diagnosed, but blaming her personal sense of style on a mental disorder (as well as using the term "autistic" as a somewhat derogatory term) is unacceptable. period.
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I adore my reebok but that doesn't mean that if i have to go at a wedding, i would go with them.
Load More Replies... This isn't even really about shoes. The whole post seems like he doesn't understand his GF for so many things.
Thank you! Everyone seems to be focusing on the high heels thing, when this is really about accepting people for who they are. And let's be honest, there's more pressure on women than on me to dress, look and act a certain way. I wouldn't care if my boyfriend wanted to wear a bin bag to my company's Christmas party! If you want to be with someone, you should accept everything about them. If you can't deal, then you should leave, but don't try to hammer people into conformist moulds.
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Why is it men's shoes and women's shoes, who decided what each gender can and can't wear? I totally get her not wanting to wear a pair of extremely uncomfortable shoes. I never wear heels or 'womens' flat shoes, because they're simply not practical.
I think it's more that she was going to wear them with a ball gown.
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As a woman, I have mixed feelings about this one. I do think she should make an effort to present herself nicely, if nothing else than to support her boyfriend. When I was married, it was important that my husband wore appropriate outfits to my work parties and he was fine with that. I would have been embarrassed if he showed up with his usual holes in his pants or whatever. Also, they do make extremely comfortable women's shoes that are dressy. I can't wear heels anymore, but I needed some dressy comfy shoes for a wedding and found a pair of shiny Dansko boot-sandal things that are so comfy I can stand in them for hours. So I don't buy the argument that women's shoes can't be comfortable.
Granted, but why can't a woman wear a mens shoe? Why does she have to wear a womens alternative? Because the women's looks girly/feminine? Not everyone likes that look. He is an a*****e for perpetuating the stereotype that women need to dress/ look a certain way.
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I’m glad they found a compromise. Unfortunately there are still some industries where it would be looked at negatively if an employee’s date didn’t look put together. Stupid as it is, I like that he put it in terms of that it’s not about not wanting to defend her, but his professional job function isn’t the place for that fight as probably neither of them is independently wealthy and he probably needs his job. I don’t Get why you would wear a dress if you were going to wear men’s shoes because there are plenty of other feminine alternatives to a dress if you aren’t going to wear the proper shoes.
He'll "face consequences" if his 'woman' doesn't dress right for a work event? What year is this?
Congratulations, you gaslit your own girlfriend into buying garbage shoes she'll never wear again because of your own weak toxic man pride. This man is ultra TA and I hope GF drops his sorry a*s and gets herself a man with more confidence than a fragile little doll.
But shouldn't she compromise just a bit. It's one pair of shoes, they can be her reserved "work party" shoes, he has no other issues with his she dresses, I don't think he's being that unreasonable
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Reading the updates and all, I have a different solution that would cover all bases: why not get a nice pair of lace up women's boots? More support than flats, doesn't have to be heeled if she's not comfortable with those (I can't walk in heels, totally get that), covers the foot completely, won't fall off, looks good, etc. That's what I usually wear if I go somewhere fancy and don't want to deal with flats.
Or wear a women's pants suit. The shoes would go with that.
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How exactly does wanting to wear comfortable clothes and not wanting to wear makeup make someone "a little autistic"?
I'm a little offended that he thinks she's autistic just because she likes to dress her own way and not wear heels.
That's not the take away. He thinks she's autistic because she seems to lack awareness of how strange she is dressing (such as wearing a bright orange Tshirt with holes in it with purple shorts). She doesn't seem to associate clothing with her over all appearance, but for practical use and comfort and she doesn't understand the argument that it's not socially acceptable to wear men's shoes with a fancy dress. As someone who has a lot of experience with people on the spectrum those could be indicators. For some on the spectrum if it doesn't make sense to them they want to dismiss it, especially social norms. Obviously out with the two of them it isn't an issue because he is her significant other. In a professional environment that's different. If you wear a gown/dress with men's shoes it will look odd and everyone will notice because it looks odd.
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As someone who is often accused of "making the family look homeless" on the weekends, even I understand dressing up when necessary.
If the people at OP’s function don’t like his girlfriend’s shoes, that’s THEIR problem, not OP’s or his girlfriends. If OP doesn’t like his girlfriend’s shoes, that’s his problem, not hers. Why should anyone care if other people are judgemental? I also agree with the commentor who said these AITA posts are trivial … and/or annoying.
Maybe because it could effect his job if they're that judgemental??
Load More Replies... OP needs to walk around for a few hours in his idea of "nice heels". Then he will understand why so many women refuse to wear them. My feet are permanently deformed from wearing heels to events I was expected to dress up for. Once OP has stood an hour ( f**k walking a mile) in her heels then he can focus on the entire look and help her find a nice pantsuit.
It's amazing how it's the end of the world if you want to get a female to do something she doesn't want to do. And "yas queen" when a female does it to a male. It's a simple "dress appropriately for casual or formal work event" heels are just a placeholder, she chose heels understanding his position, when she could have chosen flats, which is also appropriate for scenario. Like seriously, my husband didn't even need to ask me to dress appropriately for his sister's wedding, I knew the expectations and met them without his interference because it's part of being an adult and being in a relationship. Compromise is also part of the relationship... He didn't mention al the times he compromised for her because it's something that shouldn't need to be said... But seems to be the point that everyone is missing.
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Let's just be realistic about the impracticality of women's dress clothes. I've been to events in the winter when it was 20% outside. You're expected to wear a cocktail dress or formal attire. These outfits have no sleeves, and nothing covering your legs(hose aren't in, not that they help anyway). Plus the shoes aren't really shoes they are just pedestals for your frozen feet to to balance around on. This while men are fully clothed with a jacket on and full shoes. So the men ask for the temp to be turned down because they are hot while the women are freezing their asses off. They need to start making more long sleeve formal dresses. Also some shoes that are cute but don't cut off circulation or let your foot freeze. I go to quite a few formal events and tired of freezing.
It’s the 21st century dude, if you’re really gonna be upset over nonconformity to “gender roles” maybe you shouldn’t be with someone who is nonconformist & practical, although it makes plenty sense, she wants to be comfortable & not end up with the foot problems most often related to women’s traditional footwear such as heels. That being said, I’ve learned through my older sister that even flats can get uncomfortable & a decent pair of nice dress shoes as a practical approach for comfort would only make her stand out as a woman with a more modernist approach, which is most definitely not a bad thing unless you sir were raised in a barn & expect a woman to act as you dictate & if so, you are the weakest link.
As a female who myself doesn't like heels, I already think this girl is annoying. Sometimes you just wear things you prefer not to because the situation calls for it and out of respect for your partner. And yes, there are appropriate and inappropriate things to wear to certain places/occasions. I doubt anyone who's trying to not get the harshest sentence allowed by law shows up to court in ripped jeans, a stained t shirt, and dirty shoes.
In other words, change who you are for a day to "respect" someone who doesn't respect you. This guy diagnosed her with autism just because of her preferences. He's an annoying a**hole.
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There's a long chat needed about trying to change or join a new dominant hegemony and the stresses that cause but the bottom line is that a lot of us CAN'T wear heels. I would LOVE to be able to wear heels but I absolutely can't. Ehlers-Danlos syndrome makes that an impossibility. And no, the BS tip of "buying a size up and taping the shoes in place" does NOT work (for me). I'm glad they came to a compromise though. He's a brown-noser, but there's NAH.
It's pretty clear that she doesn't like gender-conforming stuff, really. Especially in terms of shoes, makeup and jewelry. I'm the same way. Mind you, I actually am on the spectrum and genderfluid/neutral to boot, so there's that. I'd much rather avoid events like that altogether. Also, this dude’s excuse is that his workplace is "shallow?" He doesn't want "assumptions" made about him? And she has to come, otherwise he'll look bad? OP, she's a person, not arm candy. If they don't like it, they can deal.
I hope I'm not the only one that thinks this guy is a shallow loser. His GF sounds absolutely wonderful...an independent thinker with her own views on things for HER reasons, and this man can't help but think, oh she must be autistic. Are you @#$_ing serious?! You have absolutely no clue about anything and I seriously feel bad for anyone who has to put up with your obsession about what other ppl might think if you appear to be different in some way or God forbid your GF doesn't match the other women. Oh she must have a brain defect. Omg I have to stop this has seriously set me off. This man...has no idea how lucky he was to find such a wonderful free thinking woman who is strong and does what SHE wants. Men like this...they are everything wrong with the world today. Arbitrarily trying to control women's behavior.
I was thinking the same thing. As the guy was rattling off all this stuff about how his GF isn't materialistic, doesn't need him to buy her a ton of useless junk to be happy, is just as happy with cheap things as she is with expensive ones, I'm just over here thinking "Wait a sec... How are you framing that as a *bad* thing?" Especially since I see so many guys these days complaining that women are nothing but golddiggers who only care about a man's wallet, who just want men to buy them fancy, expensive things (not saying that's true, just that it's a common complaint among guys). And here you've got a girl who couldn't care less about any of that and you're complaining? Man, OP be acting like a spoiled brat, if you ask me. This guy has no *idea* how good he's got it.
Load More Replies... Honestly you don’t deserve her, it’s the 21st century & therefore if a woman would like to wear men’s dress shoes, they should be aloud to do so & if a man would like to wear a dress, they should also be aloud to do so. Your argument is invalid, you are the weakest link, you don’t deserve the modernist person as your significant other. Nor do you have the right, as a non-doctor, to surmise she is autistic just because she is different, furthermore & lastly if she is than shame on you for making it public & not just simply coming to the understanding that the person you’re with is happy with themselves, which in turn should be all that matters. As long as it’s deemed appropriate attire for the function overall it shouldn’t matter who wears what for as long as it’s not inappropriate overall.
He also mentions that he basically wishes she were like other girls because gift giving is hard. I still don't see why he couldn't ask her to instead wear a pants suit. He probably would have had an easier time than he was with the shoes.
His tone is very concerning. But beyond that, if her shoes (whether they're marketed towards women or men or whoever) fit and are formal enough, why does it matter? Plus, complaining that her fashion choices (even though they're occasion appropriate) will make him look bad just screams insecurities. People's fashion choices are their own, not their partner's, and definitely not for their partner to "fix".
What's wrong with men's "formal" shoes. My daughter wore men's black&white spectator oxfords with her prom dress - it was cute. I don't think forcing a woman to confirm to sexual stereotypes is appropriate.
It doesn't make you an a*****e to have appearance or conformity expectations of a serious partner. Guilting your partner or manipulating your partner instead of parting ways makes you an a*****e.
I guess I'm the a*****e because I made my husband take a button up, slacks and dress shoes to a wedding when he wanted to wear cargo pants, racoons t shirt and worn running shoes... He better divorce me now!!! Go knows he told me do something similar probably before COVID. Maybe he guilted me into wearing a nice dress and shoes to his sister's wedding without saying anything! You know because he stared into my eyes and telepathically guilted me into doing what is normal and expected during events like that..
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I've been struggling to find comfy, good looking shoes. I live in Paris, we walk everywhere & walkable shoes are vital. & women shoes are hell! Heels hurt the back, flats hurt the feet & back, straps dig into the skin, most shoes are too tight, especially for my post pandemic feet, classic pumps are either too tight & hurt to the point of injury or fall off my feet, too many shoes don't bend enough to be suitable for walking.... Like the slacks with useless or no pockets, the thiner, much lesser quality fabrics, women's clothing seem to only be designed to look "pretty" with no care whatsoever to quality, practicality or comfort.
I also find a lot of women's shoes to be uncomfortable or not what I want style-wise. I also have a shoe size that never seems to be available in women's, but I can fit men's perfectly. Stop trying to change your girlfriend because you're embarrassed about her choice of shoes! Her choices are not about you, and she shouldn't subject herself to this BS because YOU have a problem with her.
I suffer because of my feet (sprained ankles, bunion, metatarsalgia) and totally understand the GF point of view and her need of comfy shoes (Birkenstock, Doc Martens, etc.). Sometimes social events pose a conflict if one is trying a formal outfit, but there are many options for shoes that are comfortable and pretty. Maybe the boyfriend initially saw this as an impossible task (the shoe issue) and was fixed on certain image without considering GF´s needs... High heels are quite dangerous if one is not used to them (sprained ankle was the result of me trying a lovely pair)...
I hope the girlfriend dumps op. I really, really do. OP sounds like a toxic manbaby.
Yes. She is not perfect. But let me get this straight: you have an American girl who somehow defied all the odds, didn't get brainwashed into being a helpless trophy and also rejected commercial culture, and all you do is crticize her shoes and tell everyone you think she's autistic? You, sir, are not good enough for this woman and you should go chase your image and let her find someone who appreciates the incredibly rare qualities you've listed about her. She deserves better than you.
I have high arches and it hurts to wear most shoes even sneakers. I personally have worn “inappropriate “ shoes before because I’m not going to cause unneeded pain for the esthetic of others
It's shoes you are mad at her over shoes you are treating her as a trophy and not your partner like you definitely yta if you can't be proud of her just because of the shoes then maybe you need to rethink why you are together reminder this is over shoes grow up
Quit accusing your (alleged) GF of "being autistic" because she doesn't like to play dressup. Not all women do *raises hand.* It's not hard to find a dressy women's suit where she can wear comfortable shoes and not (gasp! the horror!) "look funny" next to you. I'm thinking you'd be better off with a GF who likes dressing to the nines, wearing makeup, basically your idealized view of what a woman "should" look like. Let her go so she can find someone who cares more about what's in her mind, and in her heart, than on her body. YTA
Personally for me it's an YTA. Not because of the whole shallow work that cares about appearance thus she must look appropriate shtick... Not because of the whole she dresses practical thing ... It's the autistic comment; Just because someone loves to wear something they are comfortable with and don't pay the public opinion toll doesn't mean they are autistic! No they just are normal people who prefer to be who they are!
YTA She should be able to choose her own shoes and i hate how dismissive he is. Like seriously the entire thing is belittling her choices because he doesmt like em
Young people and their First World problems, smh. Ok. DUDE: Stop fighting this. Her style is not your style. Why are you two even dating?? Stick with what really matters to you in a woman and follow your bliss. This means, either leave present girlfriend where she is and attend alone, or get another girlfriend. It's not that hard for people your age!
YTA. I understand the shows but he’s shaming her for literally everything else and calls her “autistic”. Being autistic is not a bad thing, but he makes it seem like an insult. I can understand shoes, men do show ignorance when it comes to shoes (not entirely their fault), but everything else? Red flag.
I'm sorry but I'm a woman and I think wearing mens dress shoes is weird and if I saw it I'd think so too but I sousing be bitchy about it. It's just weird. There is comfy flats
Why is it weird? Last time I checked, shoes aren't worn on the genitals
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Yta. Why would you even go there with an unfounded autism diagnosis there are a million reasons why someone may act the way this woman does my first instinct was that she was a "tree hugger" trying to reduce her waste by using everything to its fullest and buying quality items that last longer. Many people like that don't believe in owning more than the minimum or understand the urge to use cosmetics or adornments of any kind. As for the shoes they are formal shoes in good condition. She is wearing an evening gown? Maybe I'm misremembering but I've always understood a gown to be floor length in which case. WTF are you even arguing for no one would see the shoes. I honestly wouldn't think anything of them even if she was wearing a shorter dress but I know others aren't as open minded. I personally agree with others she could also just wear a nice tailored outfit but I doubt a man that has a problem with men's shoes is going to be ok with his girlfriend in "men's wear"
All arguments about shoes aside. Did this guy really publicly theorize that hos girlfriend is autistic because she has a different outlook on life? Is he a mental health expert? Is he a doctor? No? Then he has no right or credentials to make such and ignorant and frankly inappropriate statement about his significant other especially on a public platform as someone with many people whom I deeply care about in my life that are on the spectrum, I find this to be so incredibly disrespecitful, arrogant, and uneducated that I wouldn't blame her for dumping him over that statement alone. The fact that he works for a company who would actively punish a "good emoyee" for the shoes his significant other wore to an event says allot in and of itself. Toxic.... totally toxic, the copany for putting him In a position to have to worry about losing his job over such a thing... and him for feeling the need to bring his opinion regarding her metal health status into it on a public forum..
My sister is autistic and for more than 10 years she wore heels. One day she told me she was no longer doing this... " I'm tired of trying to fit in". I showed her my collection of kitten heels just to see if she would like to try them.. (I'm much taller than her). She is very successful in her field of work that nobody ever looks at her feet but what she is teaching. The boyfriend needs to grow up and accept that the world does not revolve around him. I don't see how her unattractive shoes would hurt his career. Unless he is a shoe designer... then he needs to design friendly shoes for autistic people! Toodles
She feel unsafe, belittled, undermined, and shackled in heels. Somewhere along the line, in her political science, women's studies, or econ classes she made the connection between cheap, inferior, impractical women's wear that is made to both sexify and stifle you (bound feet, anyone?). AND they charge more for unwalkable shoes that pitch your hips forward to force you into a sexualized posture, and you can't run from the date rapist's car.
Why are we so focused on what a woman SHOULD HAVE ON HER FEET for the love of god stop tell people how to dress particularly woman.
So what, men shoes easier to kick off? Maybe should of thought everything out before getting serious, there would be occasions where have to dress appropriate. I'm not mad about job, there are a lot of jobs where family plays big part
YTA why mention that she "may be" autistic because she doesn't care about material things? And there are too many edits only because you know you are d**d a$$ wrong for this post. YTA just off of that alone.
I like that girlfriend. Someone who doesn't do things 'because you're supposed to' but just does what she thinks is best
If an event is black tie, you don't show up in a tee and shorts. Whether we like it or not, some functions have a certain 'protocol' for lack of a better word. My personal opinion is that this is what is wrong with society. 'I'm going to do what I want regardless of others'. Sorry but I don't think it works best that way. NTA. There are perfectly comfortable feminine dress shoes she could have found to wear.
So in your perfect society people should just blindly conform and do what everyone else wants them to do regardless of how little sense it makes? How is this woman wearing men's dress shoes hurting or disrespecting anyone? How does it negatively impact *anyone else's* life what shoes some guy's GF wants to wear to some formal event? With all the legit things wrong with society you seriously pick *this* as your #1? An unconventional woman wearing men's shoes? *gasp* Oh no, tremble, all ye! For the end is surely upon us! Plus men's or women's they're *still* dress shoes; it's not like she asked to show up in flip flops, so your comparison doesn't even logically follow.
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It's fine if she doesn't like to wear heels/flats it's her feet just like it's fine for me to wear heels because it's my feet. She shouldn't bother trying to make her footwear into some big statement about the patriarchy or feminism. She's not going to change the minds of women who actually like to get dressed up and love a pretty shoe. Just wear what you like and let others wear what they like.
I think there are much deeper issues here than shoes! She seems happy with who she is (a very rare and wonderful thing). He’s not happy with who she is.
Some men shoes look very good with a dress. I mean, a lot of people wear dresses with sneakers now, so what's the problem with men shoes?
All he cared about was if he looked bad. What a shallow person. He’s embarrassed by his girlfriend.
I mean, going out in ripped shirts and bright purple cargo pants, I would be embarrassed too.
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Do you know the woman that is your gf? She's quirky and odd. You asked her out (or she asked you out, but you accepted), so either accept her for the person she is now, or if you're afraid you won't get ahead in your career, and are ok working with that type of people (that would hold you back because your wife is quirky and maybe awkward in groups of judgey people, then you guys aren't compatible.
Aha! The "grownup solution" was for the woman to wear heels and kick the off under the table so no-one would see, carefully hiding that she was uncomfortable. Why didn't I see right away, that the sensible way to deal with Mr Needs-his-girl-to-look-good-for-his-career's problem was that the woman gave in and did as he wished? Maybe because I live in the 21st century? I'd probably have taken the git to a shoe store, asked him to choose a pair of shoes that looked appropriate and comfortable to him and told the shop assistant to get them in his size. Taken him on a nice long walk. And then either gracefully accepted his heartfelt apology or dumped him.
She might have agreed to go to second-hand stores to buy comfortable shoes and an outfit that went with them. After the event, the clothes and shoes could be donated to a charity. This would have no negative impact on the environment. Since this is a favor for him, he should pay for the outfit. If they went shopping together, it could be a silly date rather than feeling like it is a waste of time. If neither party wants to budge on this issue, their relationship is in trouble.
Patriarchy men . Indoctrination of women gender coded clothing. She just taught this out of touch man a lesson he's not quite ready to learn.
How about a pant suit and dress boots. They would be wide enough and more comfortable than heel's. Just a thought...or a long skirt with the boots.
Not even going to bother with the whole thing. GF wears what she wants to wear and the OP can either enjoy it or go away. She loves herself, let it be. I straight up told my husband when we started dating, I love pajama pants and big sweat shirts and I will never ever wear heels and he needs to decide if that's an issue or not. We've been together for a long time and not once has he requested me to wear heels or anything I didn't want to. Minimalist are wonderful and we all could stand to be more minimal imo. Also, we spend and waste too much on clothes anyway.
I'm happy for the OP and his girlfriend for coming to an agreement about the situation. The only real issue I had was with the whole autism suggestion, I would have kept that to myself, since a lot of people will have an issue with it like I did.
Or…she could just wear a long dress or skirt that would conceal her mens dress shoes and no one would see them. At which point she could share her thoughts on the misogynistic expectations of womens apparel. Depending on how well she pulled it off, she’s likely just be seen as interesting, intelligent or clever, not weird.
First, I bet this man is much older than her and was first attracted to her because she didn’t care what she wore. Now the cuteness of that has worn thin and he wants to change her. This spells doom for their relationship. Two, I’m sure she is rarely asked to wear something appropriate for the occasion, so she could do it and make someone else happy. It’s not that difficult. I can’t even imagine the lack of effort she puts into romance and other things that are “uncomfortable”.
Does she have problems getting shoes that fit? I'm tossing this out there because men's shoes are wider and shaped differently than women's shoes. There's no reason for flats to be uncomfortable. If she has an undiagnosed foot problem, it can cause lifelong issues. (Been there!) An orthotist can make special inserts that conform to her feet and direct her to shoes that fit. She still has the complete right to wear whatever she wants (and to feel beautiful in them). I'm not saying otherwise. I've just been there and hate to see someone else potentially experiencing a similar struggle.
OP sounds like TA. For all the reasons people say. I don't think ANY workplace would care that his gf wears men's shoes. If anyone noticed or brought it up, him just saying, "Yeah, their still formal but actually comfortable." And leaving it alone would not only have his gfs back, but would make him look secure and confident. I promise he's not going to miss out on a promotion because of his gfs choice in formal footwear, he's definitely dying on the wrong hill which is apparently a pile of his own insecurities. The fact that his gf was worn down enough to change after obviously not wanting to is sad imo. My guess is she'll eventually leave him when he keeps trying to change how she dresses and functions in the world. It sounds to me like he's not actually dating the person he wants to be dating. If he wants a high femme, he should date a high femme, nothing wrong with that. But trying to change someone who isn't that way? It'll be better for both of them if it doesn't last.
I wore a dress and flats to my husband's sister's wedding, he didn't need to ask me. I had to tell my husband to pack a button up, slacks and dress shoes to his friends wedding. He complied because he knew it was the right thing to do, it was an event, it was nice, and he knew to listen to me when I ask him to do things he doesn't like.... Because I do the same for him... It's called compromise, and yea if she can't compromise for even a few hours, she shouldn't be in a relationship. He doesn't want "high femme" just appropriate when it comes to work casual or formal events. If you won't compromise for a few hours, then you shouldn't be in a relationship. He also shouldn't have to list all the ways he compromised prior to this incident for compromise to be on the table, it's a healthy, used to be normal, part of a relationship. Compromise keeps people together, lack of it is a reason why relationships fail.
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Dude has set himself up for being called the a-hole BC of the way he wrote the post. Somewhere in there is a reasonable argument that an evening dress and men's shoes look really weird and can we do one night in lady's dress shoes but it's all hidden under calling her autistic based on nothing and calling her a weirdo and going on ABT how embarrassing she is as well as his own thoughts ABT how she should look in general
To me I'm not mad about the job part there are a lot of jobs where family plays and important part maybe. Maybe should have thought about this before getting serious with her there will be a lot of occasions where she will have to wear shoes. I really don't understand how men shoes more comfortable than female
After a foot injury, I can't wear heels or flats! I totally recommend Allegria shoes which have an orthotic. They are very comfortable and you can get some that are dressy or some that are plain. The point is, they are comfortable and look nice. Nurses wear them so they are very practical for being on your feet or if you have a foot injury.
Clearly she is living on a higher plane then this guy. She came down to his level to please him. I understand his thoughts but he should only be concerned about his shoes. There are plenty of ways she could have rocked oxfords and made it look completly high end fashionable. I'm a little sad that they compramised but since her style is minimalist and practical NOT autistic, and also more practical for her to find an acceptable comptamise to have as a go to for each formal occation then deal with his butt hurttedness each time he feels embarrassed by her not caring about gender norms in fashion. Also if he actually studied the most current fashion trends and top designers he will find that inclusivity and gender non conformity and classic looks used in a new situation are actually the absolute height of fashion now and have been for the last 4 ish years and she would have been seen by many as bold and brave and beautiful and trendy vs his label akwardly autistic.she deserves more
Why can't she wear oxfords and a suit? I'm definitely a heels and dress girl, but I've been to formals with my husband while wearing a women's suit and unisex or male wingtips. If femininity is in question, a pearl necklace or a tasteful scarf instead of a tie works nicely. I agree there are places where you can't go without adhering to thr dress code. I don't think either are the a hole in this situation. It’s a matter of what is appropriate for the type of event.
I can understand both sides and happy that it got resolved in a nice way but the guy shouldn't be so bent out of shape that his gf isn't materialistic but on the other hand may be she could've gotten flats or may be a woman's suit compromise is key it may not be about the heels but he shouldn't expect her to be uncomfortable just because she won't wear what he wants her too and she should've told him from the very beginning that she likes being a minimalist idk both of them were stupid
I cannot wear heels or makeup for medical reasons, most of my shoes are tennis shoes sandals or for work men's safety shoes because women's safety shoes hurt my feet I cannot wear pointed shoes they have to be square toed. I have worn evening gowns with boots skirts with boots no problem no one going to be looking at her shoes anyway get over it you try to wear what they want women to wear as shoes, after you twist your ankle a few times fall couple of time have blisters on your heels and toes crunch and wear and walk in that a few hours let us know how you feel then. I don't know why they think it's ok to put zippers or buttons in the back where you can't reach them no pockets to put your keys in so you have to carry a purse which you can't set down least you forgot it or it gets stolen and it makes it so you have limited movement dure to purse getting in the way.men don't really realize how lucky they are.they only put on pants shirt ready to go.
If the shoes she was wearing are nice what difference would it have made? It didn't sound like she was going to show up all tattered. So op shouldn't have pushed it. But ultimately they both came to an agreement. Everyone else opinion no longer matters. They settled it.
NTA. Society sucks. Wear whatever you like to ... what is appropriate? What the people going consider so, unless there's a dresscode. Dresscodes need to be taken less serious, ffs, I know people of high intelligence, having extreme experience and knowledge in their fields and beyond, who got to the point not having to care anymore, because their abilities are worth more than their appearance. Also, engineers usually aren't paid to look good, bad, or to look at all - we are there to either solve a problem or adapt a solution, mostly doing something inbetween. 60 years ago, showing up to work without suit and tie would be either working in the field, outside, or being written up for not being dressed properly. Which was ridiculous back then, and is now, and is pretty much anywhere where dresscodes aren't about safety. Also, if you make it strict, like white shirt, black tie - sorry, unless I'm there to play some blues, or it's a funeral of someone too distant to know they wouldn't care. Grandma's funeral: a light green shirt (turquois) and a purple paisley tie. She'd have liked it, as she always liked my taste in tie and shirt ... and I liked it, too. Anyway, don't take dresscodes THAT serious ... it's usually a suggestion rather than an exact requirement that don't allow any individuality.
I just can't understand the whole case.. Why you have to bring your GF in to formal workplace party if she is not down with the fancy laa-di-daa.. Are you gonna get fired because you are alone in there?! And clearly these two are from way too different worlds.. (I would not wear a dress or high heals for anyone or anything..😬) Keep on searchin for your trophy wife..
I can relate to both sides. I wore Doc Martens for ten years for everything. Work Cristmass parties, baptisms,funerals. I swore that I would I would wear them on my weding day. Haven't maried yet, but it is not so important anymore to me. I understand him, he doesn't want his coworkers to gossip abut his girlfriend,and I understand her for not wanting to change herself. They resolved the issue in a mature way,so good for them. And recently I attended very formal paty of doctors and nurses,and one doctor actuall, wore suit an dwhite sneackers,so who gives a damn these days.
NTA: some businesses ARE still in the mindset of the 80s were women "doll up" n look "feminine" n anything other is "wrong" sounds like thats a plave he works at. He nor she can chage it. I get women shoes suck.but shes not expected to wear it every day just a few hrs. I hate dress shoes but i wear them if i have to
After becoming Disabled, wearing heels was impossible. But there are flat dress shoes, or ballet flats, too. Finding ones with really good arch support though, is tricky. And in my small size even more so. And, can someone please tell me what is wrong with orange and purple as a color combination?
Ok guy. Get a new girlfriend. This one is way to practical for you. You must work for some shallow minded people that won't look at character and personality first. She's not going to confirm to your expectations. And, your focus is on appearance. So, better to go alone, make a superficial excuse why she isn't their and then after the event you guys figure out if this is a salvageable relationship.
Cybill Shepherd used to show up at awards wearing designer gowns and high top sneakers. She looked adorable. I've always told my daughter to have a pair of sandals and a pair of flats, one in silver and one in gold. Pretty much allows you to wear one or the other with anything to dress it up a little.
As an autistic guy I think it's probably a sensory issue. She said it herself that women's shoes are impractical and uncomfortable. I would never push her to wear anything uncomfortable. It's often extremely unpleasant for us, autistic folks. Please understand that we're not trying to be rebels, it's about our wellbeing, that's all.
. I can t wear torturing stilettos and I don t. Neither must the girl in discussion. ,,she might be a little autistic". If you have such petty complaints, find a better match😐
If I'm the only one who noticed that he specifically mentioned that her absence "will make him look bad"? Honestly, is it alright for American work ethic? Last time my bf took me to work event we wore t-shirts and ate barbeque.
This is an opposites attract. He's overly concerned with what people think of him. He's even more concerned with what they think about who he is with. He's completely shallow in that since. She couldn't care less about what people think about anything. He should consider himself lucky, my 'dress shoes' became Van slide-ons years ago.
As somebody in the spectrum, I think that this was solved as well as it could be solved. Clothes are difficult for a long list of reasons even without complex and generally unwritten rules on what is and isn't appropriate in any given situation. If you manage to find a solution that suits you, often after a lot of trial and error, it can be difficult to give up on the security. Here the OP made the effort to communicate his needs in a way that his gf could work with and they reached a compromise. I hope the OP recognised the real work and effort that was made by his gf, because in my personal experience this is a very real struggle.
Finally! An AITA that makes me really think! And that said, I think the answer is... kinda both? YTA if you insist that your girlfriend should just suck it up and wear heels or flats like "any other woman." First off, your girlfriend ISN'T any other woman, and if you want her to be like other women, then maybe you'd be better off just dating other women. Second – and I know you said this wasn't about the heels, but reading over your post that's definitely contradictory – don't ask someone to do something that even you yourself are not willing to do. That old adage of "walk a mile in their shoes" before judging someone couldn't be more true here. But, with the addendum that they don't HAVE to be heels, then to that I say either a) change the outfit to fit the shoes or b) change the shoes to fit the outfit. (1/3)
I'd personally recommend a low, chunky heel. Very similar in appearance to some men's dress shoes, but vastly more comfortable and easy to maneuver in than the majority of options. Flats, while not the dreaded heel, are still quite uncomfortable, as they typically have no support to them. Clark's is a good brand I've found to have a good balance between comfort and style. Boots can be dressy as well, yet still provide significantly more comfort and support. If nothing looks quite right with a gown-like dress though, then an outfit change might be best. Either way, it's probably best to remember that, shallow or not, people are going to likely be more engaged in other things going on, as opposed to the shoes someone is wearing (granted they're not clown shoes or something of the like, haha). (3/3)
Load More Replies... Here we go again .. don't tell women what to wear etc etc bull!! He is not asking her to run a marathon with him in heels. He is simply asking her for one damn night to follow a dress code for a work event .A small sacrifice because she cares for the guy. It's also a respect for him and the integrity of their relationship. I give a little when its asked of me because you worth it. His request is not unreasonable, doesn't violate her human's strong independent woman rights. Because the next day she can go back to her sweats and slip slops. Wearing a pair of low heels occasionally for a glam event won't kill her. You are NTA. Not seeing any kind of shaming here.
I would maybe consider finding a different job if my girlfriend's shoe choice would cause that much of an issue. Sounds like the guy may be making it up to be more than what it is though. Just my opinion. Dress shoes are dress shoes. At a work event no one besides the employee should impact much.
I'm wondering what kind of company this is. It sounds like the kind that pays very well and offers a pretty good career trajectory since he feels he may be punished career-wise if people know he has a girlfriend and she doesn't show up or she does not fit their aesthetic.
Them she can buy a new pair of converse (even in men's size) bc alot of prom-goers are/Have done that. You have to know when to do something as such to be impactful. This event doesn't sound like it would be beneficial for her to express that, and would put ylou on blast at work! Nobody wants to deal with that s**t! Tell her new converse or tell co-workers that she's sick.
He made some pretty messed up comments which definitely make him ta, but compromises must be made in any relationship. Although, they did eventually come to a compromise. In that case, I think him blasting their business and making those messed up comments, makes him solely TA.
Everyone saying he is in the wrong: imagine a female professional who needs to go to a formal event for work, and her male partner insisting on wearing a pair of women's heels because he prefers them. Imagine her having to use such tact to explain to him that she has no problem herself with his preferences but it would cause her problems for him to either arrive in women's heels or for her to show up alone. Imagine him being so resistant and insistent on wearing the women's heels to her important event. Like it or not fashion is a language, and illiteracy in it indicates neurological issues which is why people pick up on those cues. Every culture on earth has cultural significance to dress, even tribes who wear mostly paint and even the Plain People (Anabaptists) whose fashion ethic is based on practicality like the girlfriend prefers, have very specific significance to even subtle fashion details (what kind of suspenders, how many pleats in a cap, etc).
He is NTA. He is very patient to work around her resistance. He is 100% in the right.
I can understand where he's coming from completely. I used to be with a guy that only wore white t-shirts and khaki pants. Like every single day, no matter what and if the t-shirt had a logo or something on it he would wear it inside out. It drove me crazy when we went places bc I'd be dressed nicely and he essentially looked like a hobo with his inside out t-shirt and threadbare khaki pants. He owned other clothes. He owned nice clothes. He just did not care about what he looked like to other people. I learned to live with it for a long time until one day he just changed his mind and started dressing differently. I think he only did it bc he thought it would make me happy and it did. I didn't insist he do it, but I really just thought he was a very attractive man and nice clothing or at least occasion appropriate clothing made him look even better. I think he figured out that was a good thing😄
NTA. The point of relationships is to be each other's wingman, to bolster each other up. How hard is it to just help each other? Why does everything have to be a bloody protest, social justice, feminist event.
I am all for someone being themselves, and on a day to day basis I say to each his own. But a formal work event? Come on. Girlfriend needs to grow up and put on women's shoes for a few hours. She's acting like a toddler. Doesn't need to be high heels. There are plenty of reasonably comfortable lower heel options that would look fine. I think girlfriend is just weird. I have lots of issues with my feet and can't wear heels, but I have found several brands of nice comfy women's shoes. Insisting on wearing men's shoes is just odd.
People are really attacking him. He said just for an event with his job. A job I am sure if he quits he might suffer. He probably can't find one better. My daughter hates heels but she will wear shoes that are made like sneakers with a heel. Y'all don't know how a job works. Some jobs actually goes by looks and family value. Especially for those who are trying to elevate in their job. Why not go and compromise. He said she doesn't have to wear heels and she doesn't like flats. I hate flats too. But their are millions of different shoe types out here for women. There are shoes for every type of woman to wear. She did compromise and found out there are shoes out there she might actually like. If you have a problem about him wanting her to try female shoes give it a chance, than I hope you don't make your kids eat what they don't like. What do we tell them to give it a try before saying you don't like something.
I would suggest having her wear some nice women dress flats. I wore a beautiful pair on my wedding day. I still get compliments on them.
How do you date people that can’t make an effort to look good for you. I’m sorry I can’t 🤮
She can’t make a little concession to help further his career? Not much of a partnership, and oh how dare you expect anything from a woman you misogynist 🙄
She's stupid. It's his job, career, and future. If she isn't in the mood to dress for the occasion, stay your butt at home. He should take someone else who understands things can't always be what you want like a spoiled princess. There are societal norms for dress ad behavior. You don't have to comply, but you do have to deal with the consequences. Why should he suffer because she wants to make a political statement? NTA. AT ALL.
Not the a******. She might as just wear a tacky ugly orange T-shirt with those bright purple cargo shorts with her men's shoes..... I don't care if she's materialistic or autistic if you're going to your significant others work party you dress the part it's only for a few hours just suck it up that's what you do you suck it up for the person you love. I don't think you're awful at all I think she is. I am the biggest of biggest of biggest tomboys in the world and my husband is used to seeing me in T-shirt dresses and flip-flops but I want but when I went things to be special I will put my makeup on and will do my hair and it just lights up his life for that day. NTA.
I didn't even read the entire article. What's wrong with flats? Or, the sandel lifts? I don't know what they're called, but they give you the lift without sacrificing too much comfort. I'm with the pants suit, too.
She is EXTREMELY selfish and this will not get better, it will get worse. Relationships are about 2 people sacrificing for each other. Her sacrifice should be to suck it up and toss shoes on for 1 night, just like my sacrifice is wearing a tie when I go to my wife's functions. It's not like he us trying to control what she wears every day.
I always supported my partner in whatever they wanted to do. Being in business I KNOW the politics involved in a corporate atmosphere. And my partner always supported me. Whatever made my partner look good at minimal effort on my part is a okay. Dude is not wanting she wear female shoes forever, just one night for a few hours. Not even a huge sacrifice. If she can't even compromise for 2-3 hours ditch her. A relationship is ALWAYS about compromise
Not sure if my reply posted, I can't find it. It isn't too much to expect she dress appropriately for one event, at your work, for you. You are not the a*****e. She is. The selfish one.
I’m glad they sorted it out. When you ask advice on the internet you’re going to get all the opinions lol. There is nothing wrong with OP wanting his gf to dress more appropriate for his work event. There is nothing wrong with his gf for wanting to be comfortable. If I were him, I’d have sat down with her and done some online shopping, figure out what styles she likes and he’d think would fit the event and offer to pay for it. If it’s a whole new outfit, fine. If it’s just a pair of shoes, cool. I bought my husband a pair of date night shoes that looked somewhat dressy but had a sneaker sole bc all he owned were a pair of sambas. Everybody wins!
Dear OP, acquire and binge watch the makeover show starring Stacy London with your girlfriend. Ask her to pay special attention to the reaction of the makeover subject's loved ones. I think that the insight you have into your girlfriend's indifference to social cues is on point, and this could help her to understand your needs cognitively, and the place of empathy you're coming from.
Do women really think men's dress shoes are comfortable? They often hurt at the heel and around the toes. You can pay more for comfortable men's shoes and you can pay more for comfortable women's shoes. I have a pair of 3" heeled boots and they hurt at the pad of the foot after awhile but don't cause any pain in the heel itself. Point is that anyone can learn to wear heels and generally all dress shoes hurt.
There sure are a lot of people here who have only ever worked at minimum wage jobs, with no need for PR. There are quite a few high paying positions that have need for personal PR, and yes, not following it can mean a damaged career, or lost job. I know it sucks. Yes, it would be great if all of society would change, but society doesn't bend because of a single event with the stuffy board members. Considering long term personal consequences is part of being an adult. Kn when, and where, to protest, is part of being an adult. Otherwise everyone sounds like 8-year-olds whinging about needing to sit up straight, and pay attention, in class. --> I do think she could benefit from lace up women's shoes, and a good quality pant suit, though. I can't wear anything but flats, and because of my past injury, I can't wear anything that doesn't cover the top of my foot. So, I have fitted women's loafers, and a pair of lace up women's dress boots for winter. Comfy, and meant for my feet.
Why assume we work a minimum wage job? I might actually be making more money than you, and no my boss isn't shallow enough to care what my SO is wearing. My SO isn't employed by the company, for one, and the shoes I wear don't make me smarter or dumber. The only way to get rid of this pretentious bs is to actually challenge it.
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These AITA reposts from Reddit have gotten out of control. Wish there was a way to filter them out. I switched to Bored Panda (and only BP) instead of other similar sites because I found it to have a lot of positivity in the posts and community. AITA posts are just attention seeking imo, and there have been sooooo many that the issues keep getting increasingly trivial, obvious, and/or annoying. These AITA posts almost never used to be in the featured or trending feeds, but today there were like five in a row. I get that there is a ton of reposting on this site from other similar sites and social media etc, but it makes no sense to repost AITA from Reddit and then people comment advice but the OP is on Reddit not Bored Panda.
If you don't like the aita posts, don't read them. Problem solved.
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She should wear what you would like her to wear. Shoes and all. It’s for your work. Even if the shoes hurt. You make sacrifices for those you love and a couple hours at an office party is a small sacrifice. She needs to grow up and realize it’s not about her.
She seems like a selfish B to me. She can't be uncomfortable for 2 hours to please you and help you with your goals. Ditch her. There are plenty of inexpensive comfortable women's shoes. It's weird she wants to wear men's shoes. I would be embarrassed to show my employer that I meant so little to my mate they couldn't act like a normal person for 2 hours to help me and stand in shoes that were women's. I'd leave quickly if I was you. This woman is telling you your gifts and your feelings and your goals mean nothing to her. Almost to the point of sabatoge by her if she must participate in your dreams.
Suck it up butch. Wear a killer dress with some damn heels, put on some makeup, and try to look GREAT for once in your life at an event that is important to your man. Now let the roasting of my comments begin.
Nta..Everyone's jumping down this guys throat over nothing, he just wants her to wear nice shoes to a work function. Ppl need to chill making a mountain out of a mole hill..everyone is so sensitive and pc nowadays that almost anything you say can offend someone. Its not like he tells her how to dress everyday. He's simply asking her to wear nice shoes, whether they're heels or flats or whatever, for one dinner. Nbd. 🤷♀️
This is stupid. The one making a mountain out of a molehill is him. It was very clear his girlfriend didn't want to do it, yet he decided that his job was more important than his girlfriend being comfortable. The man can grow up, find another job if it's so bad. If not he can get over himself and let his girlfriend do her own thing.
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Im on the fence about this one but I mostly agree with OP and some other people below. In regard to the latter, it is definitely appreciated when your partner makes an effort. And to be honest with you, if I had let him, my partner would have worn shorts and a t-shirt to my sister's wedding. Not on my watch. We went out and dressed him. And in the end he looked terrific! He cleans up really nicely! The annoying thing about his attitude is he actually has a terrific sense of style and can rock anything. He just chooses not to. And that's okay on most days but for a formal event, make the effort! And much like the OP and his girlfriend, we're adults with reasonable communication skills and mutual respect so we were able to figure it out. I am all about breaking down barriers and defying standards, and I always appreciate practicality but there is a time and place; the most well-rounded people know where and when to do so.
Yes, I believe men should be able to wear dresses if they want to. So yeah, wear a dress if you want.
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This guy has extremely stubborn behavior. He asked his girlfriend to o wear heels and flats, she said no. She specifically said no because it's not practical or comfortable. She has every right to dress the way she wants to. There's nothing stubborn about that. This guy wouldn't take no for answer and kept trying to convince her for his own selfishness reasons. He could have easily said okay and go by himself, but instead he said it wasn't an option. This guy was willing to try forcing his girlfriend to wear the "correct" shoes in his own mind because he would get into trouble. He knew exactly what he was getting into, he doesn't get to be an a** over it when it comes to these events.
Load More Replies... The whole focus/argument was on changing her choice of shoes. Why not change the outfit? Instead of an "evening gown" -- why not wear a tux or a silk pantsuit or something along those lines?
The last formal event I went to I got a fancy swishy pants outfit so I could wear comfy shoes that "went with" the outfit. Was it different than what most people wore, yes. Was it formal, appropriate, comfortable, and looked good on me? Heck ya! The focus should be on the whole outfit to be comfortable and appropriate.
Load More Replies... Everyone is so hell-bent on making the guy look like he only cares about looks, but watch your partner walk in on battered shoes or in a shirt with holes in them for weeks on end and see how you feel about it. It's perfectly fine to not be materialistic, but it's also fine if your partner likes to see you put in a little effort. Making an effort doesn't automatically mean you're going back to the 50's, you can also buy nice women's shoes that are more comfortable than heels. It's 2022, the options are limitless. I'm glad for OP that they talked about it and came to a solution together.
Thank you ! It's not always about looks or comfort but making an effort
Load More Replies... 1940s style mary janes might be an option that walks the line between fancy and practical, but I agree. Women's shoes suck. I own 3 pair that I actually wear, sneakers for work and hiking boots or sandals at home. Or barefoot.
I own a pair of orthopedic mary janes; they're super comfy, and they look nice. Very practical and they go with just about everything. They were very expensive, but they have lasted me more than 10 years.
Load More Replies... as a person who *is* actually autistic, that comment is just plain offensive. he's going on about her fashion style and stubbornness about shoes, and due to that he calls her autistic?! no. just no. yes, us autistic people can be a little alternative when it comes to how we present ourselves, and no, not all people that do have autism are diagnosed, but blaming her personal sense of style on a mental disorder (as well as using the term "autistic" as a somewhat derogatory term) is unacceptable. period.
Load More Replies... I adore my reebok but that doesn't mean that if i have to go at a wedding, i would go with them.
Load More Replies... This isn't even really about shoes. The whole post seems like he doesn't understand his GF for so many things.
Thank you! Everyone seems to be focusing on the high heels thing, when this is really about accepting people for who they are. And let's be honest, there's more pressure on women than on me to dress, look and act a certain way. I wouldn't care if my boyfriend wanted to wear a bin bag to my company's Christmas party! If you want to be with someone, you should accept everything about them. If you can't deal, then you should leave, but don't try to hammer people into conformist moulds.
Load More Replies... Why is it men's shoes and women's shoes, who decided what each gender can and can't wear? I totally get her not wanting to wear a pair of extremely uncomfortable shoes. I never wear heels or 'womens' flat shoes, because they're simply not practical.
I think it's more that she was going to wear them with a ball gown.
Load More Replies... As a woman, I have mixed feelings about this one. I do think she should make an effort to present herself nicely, if nothing else than to support her boyfriend. When I was married, it was important that my husband wore appropriate outfits to my work parties and he was fine with that. I would have been embarrassed if he showed up with his usual holes in his pants or whatever. Also, they do make extremely comfortable women's shoes that are dressy. I can't wear heels anymore, but I needed some dressy comfy shoes for a wedding and found a pair of shiny Dansko boot-sandal things that are so comfy I can stand in them for hours. So I don't buy the argument that women's shoes can't be comfortable.
Granted, but why can't a woman wear a mens shoe? Why does she have to wear a womens alternative? Because the women's looks girly/feminine? Not everyone likes that look. He is an a*****e for perpetuating the stereotype that women need to dress/ look a certain way.
Load More Replies... I’m glad they found a compromise. Unfortunately there are still some industries where it would be looked at negatively if an employee’s date didn’t look put together. Stupid as it is, I like that he put it in terms of that it’s not about not wanting to defend her, but his professional job function isn’t the place for that fight as probably neither of them is independently wealthy and he probably needs his job. I don’t Get why you would wear a dress if you were going to wear men’s shoes because there are plenty of other feminine alternatives to a dress if you aren’t going to wear the proper shoes.
He'll "face consequences" if his 'woman' doesn't dress right for a work event? What year is this?
Congratulations, you gaslit your own girlfriend into buying garbage shoes she'll never wear again because of your own weak toxic man pride. This man is ultra TA and I hope GF drops his sorry a*s and gets herself a man with more confidence than a fragile little doll.
But shouldn't she compromise just a bit. It's one pair of shoes, they can be her reserved "work party" shoes, he has no other issues with his she dresses, I don't think he's being that unreasonable
Load More Replies... Reading the updates and all, I have a different solution that would cover all bases: why not get a nice pair of lace up women's boots? More support than flats, doesn't have to be heeled if she's not comfortable with those (I can't walk in heels, totally get that), covers the foot completely, won't fall off, looks good, etc. That's what I usually wear if I go somewhere fancy and don't want to deal with flats.
Or wear a women's pants suit. The shoes would go with that.
Load More Replies... How exactly does wanting to wear comfortable clothes and not wanting to wear makeup make someone "a little autistic"?
I'm a little offended that he thinks she's autistic just because she likes to dress her own way and not wear heels.
That's not the take away. He thinks she's autistic because she seems to lack awareness of how strange she is dressing (such as wearing a bright orange Tshirt with holes in it with purple shorts). She doesn't seem to associate clothing with her over all appearance, but for practical use and comfort and she doesn't understand the argument that it's not socially acceptable to wear men's shoes with a fancy dress. As someone who has a lot of experience with people on the spectrum those could be indicators. For some on the spectrum if it doesn't make sense to them they want to dismiss it, especially social norms. Obviously out with the two of them it isn't an issue because he is her significant other. In a professional environment that's different. If you wear a gown/dress with men's shoes it will look odd and everyone will notice because it looks odd.
Load More Replies... As someone who is often accused of "making the family look homeless" on the weekends, even I understand dressing up when necessary.
If the people at OP’s function don’t like his girlfriend’s shoes, that’s THEIR problem, not OP’s or his girlfriends. If OP doesn’t like his girlfriend’s shoes, that’s his problem, not hers. Why should anyone care if other people are judgemental? I also agree with the commentor who said these AITA posts are trivial … and/or annoying.
Maybe because it could effect his job if they're that judgemental??
Load More Replies... OP needs to walk around for a few hours in his idea of "nice heels". Then he will understand why so many women refuse to wear them. My feet are permanently deformed from wearing heels to events I was expected to dress up for. Once OP has stood an hour ( f**k walking a mile) in her heels then he can focus on the entire look and help her find a nice pantsuit.
It's amazing how it's the end of the world if you want to get a female to do something she doesn't want to do. And "yas queen" when a female does it to a male. It's a simple "dress appropriately for casual or formal work event" heels are just a placeholder, she chose heels understanding his position, when she could have chosen flats, which is also appropriate for scenario. Like seriously, my husband didn't even need to ask me to dress appropriately for his sister's wedding, I knew the expectations and met them without his interference because it's part of being an adult and being in a relationship. Compromise is also part of the relationship... He didn't mention al the times he compromised for her because it's something that shouldn't need to be said... But seems to be the point that everyone is missing.
Load More Replies... Let's just be realistic about the impracticality of women's dress clothes. I've been to events in the winter when it was 20% outside. You're expected to wear a cocktail dress or formal attire. These outfits have no sleeves, and nothing covering your legs(hose aren't in, not that they help anyway). Plus the shoes aren't really shoes they are just pedestals for your frozen feet to to balance around on. This while men are fully clothed with a jacket on and full shoes. So the men ask for the temp to be turned down because they are hot while the women are freezing their asses off. They need to start making more long sleeve formal dresses. Also some shoes that are cute but don't cut off circulation or let your foot freeze. I go to quite a few formal events and tired of freezing.
It’s the 21st century dude, if you’re really gonna be upset over nonconformity to “gender roles” maybe you shouldn’t be with someone who is nonconformist & practical, although it makes plenty sense, she wants to be comfortable & not end up with the foot problems most often related to women’s traditional footwear such as heels. That being said, I’ve learned through my older sister that even flats can get uncomfortable & a decent pair of nice dress shoes as a practical approach for comfort would only make her stand out as a woman with a more modernist approach, which is most definitely not a bad thing unless you sir were raised in a barn & expect a woman to act as you dictate & if so, you are the weakest link.
As a female who myself doesn't like heels, I already think this girl is annoying. Sometimes you just wear things you prefer not to because the situation calls for it and out of respect for your partner. And yes, there are appropriate and inappropriate things to wear to certain places/occasions. I doubt anyone who's trying to not get the harshest sentence allowed by law shows up to court in ripped jeans, a stained t shirt, and dirty shoes.
In other words, change who you are for a day to "respect" someone who doesn't respect you. This guy diagnosed her with autism just because of her preferences. He's an annoying a**hole.
Load More Replies... There's a long chat needed about trying to change or join a new dominant hegemony and the stresses that cause but the bottom line is that a lot of us CAN'T wear heels. I would LOVE to be able to wear heels but I absolutely can't. Ehlers-Danlos syndrome makes that an impossibility. And no, the BS tip of "buying a size up and taping the shoes in place" does NOT work (for me). I'm glad they came to a compromise though. He's a brown-noser, but there's NAH.
It's pretty clear that she doesn't like gender-conforming stuff, really. Especially in terms of shoes, makeup and jewelry. I'm the same way. Mind you, I actually am on the spectrum and genderfluid/neutral to boot, so there's that. I'd much rather avoid events like that altogether. Also, this dude’s excuse is that his workplace is "shallow?" He doesn't want "assumptions" made about him? And she has to come, otherwise he'll look bad? OP, she's a person, not arm candy. If they don't like it, they can deal.
I hope I'm not the only one that thinks this guy is a shallow loser. His GF sounds absolutely wonderful...an independent thinker with her own views on things for HER reasons, and this man can't help but think, oh she must be autistic. Are you @#$_ing serious?! You have absolutely no clue about anything and I seriously feel bad for anyone who has to put up with your obsession about what other ppl might think if you appear to be different in some way or God forbid your GF doesn't match the other women. Oh she must have a brain defect. Omg I have to stop this has seriously set me off. This man...has no idea how lucky he was to find such a wonderful free thinking woman who is strong and does what SHE wants. Men like this...they are everything wrong with the world today. Arbitrarily trying to control women's behavior.
I was thinking the same thing. As the guy was rattling off all this stuff about how his GF isn't materialistic, doesn't need him to buy her a ton of useless junk to be happy, is just as happy with cheap things as she is with expensive ones, I'm just over here thinking "Wait a sec... How are you framing that as a *bad* thing?" Especially since I see so many guys these days complaining that women are nothing but golddiggers who only care about a man's wallet, who just want men to buy them fancy, expensive things (not saying that's true, just that it's a common complaint among guys). And here you've got a girl who couldn't care less about any of that and you're complaining? Man, OP be acting like a spoiled brat, if you ask me. This guy has no *idea* how good he's got it.
Load More Replies... Honestly you don’t deserve her, it’s the 21st century & therefore if a woman would like to wear men’s dress shoes, they should be aloud to do so & if a man would like to wear a dress, they should also be aloud to do so. Your argument is invalid, you are the weakest link, you don’t deserve the modernist person as your significant other. Nor do you have the right, as a non-doctor, to surmise she is autistic just because she is different, furthermore & lastly if she is than shame on you for making it public & not just simply coming to the understanding that the person you’re with is happy with themselves, which in turn should be all that matters. As long as it’s deemed appropriate attire for the function overall it shouldn’t matter who wears what for as long as it’s not inappropriate overall.
He also mentions that he basically wishes she were like other girls because gift giving is hard. I still don't see why he couldn't ask her to instead wear a pants suit. He probably would have had an easier time than he was with the shoes.
His tone is very concerning. But beyond that, if her shoes (whether they're marketed towards women or men or whoever) fit and are formal enough, why does it matter? Plus, complaining that her fashion choices (even though they're occasion appropriate) will make him look bad just screams insecurities. People's fashion choices are their own, not their partner's, and definitely not for their partner to "fix".
What's wrong with men's "formal" shoes. My daughter wore men's black&white spectator oxfords with her prom dress - it was cute. I don't think forcing a woman to confirm to sexual stereotypes is appropriate.
It doesn't make you an a*****e to have appearance or conformity expectations of a serious partner. Guilting your partner or manipulating your partner instead of parting ways makes you an a*****e.
I guess I'm the a*****e because I made my husband take a button up, slacks and dress shoes to a wedding when he wanted to wear cargo pants, racoons t shirt and worn running shoes... He better divorce me now!!! Go knows he told me do something similar probably before COVID. Maybe he guilted me into wearing a nice dress and shoes to his sister's wedding without saying anything! You know because he stared into my eyes and telepathically guilted me into doing what is normal and expected during events like that..
Load More Replies... I've been struggling to find comfy, good looking shoes. I live in Paris, we walk everywhere & walkable shoes are vital. & women shoes are hell! Heels hurt the back, flats hurt the feet & back, straps dig into the skin, most shoes are too tight, especially for my post pandemic feet, classic pumps are either too tight & hurt to the point of injury or fall off my feet, too many shoes don't bend enough to be suitable for walking.... Like the slacks with useless or no pockets, the thiner, much lesser quality fabrics, women's clothing seem to only be designed to look "pretty" with no care whatsoever to quality, practicality or comfort.
I also find a lot of women's shoes to be uncomfortable or not what I want style-wise. I also have a shoe size that never seems to be available in women's, but I can fit men's perfectly. Stop trying to change your girlfriend because you're embarrassed about her choice of shoes! Her choices are not about you, and she shouldn't subject herself to this BS because YOU have a problem with her.
I suffer because of my feet (sprained ankles, bunion, metatarsalgia) and totally understand the GF point of view and her need of comfy shoes (Birkenstock, Doc Martens, etc.). Sometimes social events pose a conflict if one is trying a formal outfit, but there are many options for shoes that are comfortable and pretty. Maybe the boyfriend initially saw this as an impossible task (the shoe issue) and was fixed on certain image without considering GF´s needs... High heels are quite dangerous if one is not used to them (sprained ankle was the result of me trying a lovely pair)...
I hope the girlfriend dumps op. I really, really do. OP sounds like a toxic manbaby.
Yes. She is not perfect. But let me get this straight: you have an American girl who somehow defied all the odds, didn't get brainwashed into being a helpless trophy and also rejected commercial culture, and all you do is crticize her shoes and tell everyone you think she's autistic? You, sir, are not good enough for this woman and you should go chase your image and let her find someone who appreciates the incredibly rare qualities you've listed about her. She deserves better than you.
I have high arches and it hurts to wear most shoes even sneakers. I personally have worn “inappropriate “ shoes before because I’m not going to cause unneeded pain for the esthetic of others
It's shoes you are mad at her over shoes you are treating her as a trophy and not your partner like you definitely yta if you can't be proud of her just because of the shoes then maybe you need to rethink why you are together reminder this is over shoes grow up
Quit accusing your (alleged) GF of "being autistic" because she doesn't like to play dressup. Not all women do *raises hand.* It's not hard to find a dressy women's suit where she can wear comfortable shoes and not (gasp! the horror!) "look funny" next to you. I'm thinking you'd be better off with a GF who likes dressing to the nines, wearing makeup, basically your idealized view of what a woman "should" look like. Let her go so she can find someone who cares more about what's in her mind, and in her heart, than on her body. YTA
Personally for me it's an YTA. Not because of the whole shallow work that cares about appearance thus she must look appropriate shtick... Not because of the whole she dresses practical thing ... It's the autistic comment; Just because someone loves to wear something they are comfortable with and don't pay the public opinion toll doesn't mean they are autistic! No they just are normal people who prefer to be who they are!
YTA She should be able to choose her own shoes and i hate how dismissive he is. Like seriously the entire thing is belittling her choices because he doesmt like em
Young people and their First World problems, smh. Ok. DUDE: Stop fighting this. Her style is not your style. Why are you two even dating?? Stick with what really matters to you in a woman and follow your bliss. This means, either leave present girlfriend where she is and attend alone, or get another girlfriend. It's not that hard for people your age!
YTA. I understand the shows but he’s shaming her for literally everything else and calls her “autistic”. Being autistic is not a bad thing, but he makes it seem like an insult. I can understand shoes, men do show ignorance when it comes to shoes (not entirely their fault), but everything else? Red flag.
I'm sorry but I'm a woman and I think wearing mens dress shoes is weird and if I saw it I'd think so too but I sousing be bitchy about it. It's just weird. There is comfy flats
Why is it weird? Last time I checked, shoes aren't worn on the genitals
Load More Replies... Yta. Why would you even go there with an unfounded autism diagnosis there are a million reasons why someone may act the way this woman does my first instinct was that she was a "tree hugger" trying to reduce her waste by using everything to its fullest and buying quality items that last longer. Many people like that don't believe in owning more than the minimum or understand the urge to use cosmetics or adornments of any kind. As for the shoes they are formal shoes in good condition. She is wearing an evening gown? Maybe I'm misremembering but I've always understood a gown to be floor length in which case. WTF are you even arguing for no one would see the shoes. I honestly wouldn't think anything of them even if she was wearing a shorter dress but I know others aren't as open minded. I personally agree with others she could also just wear a nice tailored outfit but I doubt a man that has a problem with men's shoes is going to be ok with his girlfriend in "men's wear"
All arguments about shoes aside. Did this guy really publicly theorize that hos girlfriend is autistic because she has a different outlook on life? Is he a mental health expert? Is he a doctor? No? Then he has no right or credentials to make such and ignorant and frankly inappropriate statement about his significant other especially on a public platform as someone with many people whom I deeply care about in my life that are on the spectrum, I find this to be so incredibly disrespecitful, arrogant, and uneducated that I wouldn't blame her for dumping him over that statement alone. The fact that he works for a company who would actively punish a "good emoyee" for the shoes his significant other wore to an event says allot in and of itself. Toxic.... totally toxic, the copany for putting him In a position to have to worry about losing his job over such a thing... and him for feeling the need to bring his opinion regarding her metal health status into it on a public forum..
My sister is autistic and for more than 10 years she wore heels. One day she told me she was no longer doing this... " I'm tired of trying to fit in". I showed her my collection of kitten heels just to see if she would like to try them.. (I'm much taller than her). She is very successful in her field of work that nobody ever looks at her feet but what she is teaching. The boyfriend needs to grow up and accept that the world does not revolve around him. I don't see how her unattractive shoes would hurt his career. Unless he is a shoe designer... then he needs to design friendly shoes for autistic people! Toodles
She feel unsafe, belittled, undermined, and shackled in heels. Somewhere along the line, in her political science, women's studies, or econ classes she made the connection between cheap, inferior, impractical women's wear that is made to both sexify and stifle you (bound feet, anyone?). AND they charge more for unwalkable shoes that pitch your hips forward to force you into a sexualized posture, and you can't run from the date rapist's car.
Why are we so focused on what a woman SHOULD HAVE ON HER FEET for the love of god stop tell people how to dress particularly woman.
So what, men shoes easier to kick off? Maybe should of thought everything out before getting serious, there would be occasions where have to dress appropriate. I'm not mad about job, there are a lot of jobs where family plays big part
YTA why mention that she "may be" autistic because she doesn't care about material things? And there are too many edits only because you know you are d**d a$$ wrong for this post. YTA just off of that alone.
I like that girlfriend. Someone who doesn't do things 'because you're supposed to' but just does what she thinks is best
If an event is black tie, you don't show up in a tee and shorts. Whether we like it or not, some functions have a certain 'protocol' for lack of a better word. My personal opinion is that this is what is wrong with society. 'I'm going to do what I want regardless of others'. Sorry but I don't think it works best that way. NTA. There are perfectly comfortable feminine dress shoes she could have found to wear.
So in your perfect society people should just blindly conform and do what everyone else wants them to do regardless of how little sense it makes? How is this woman wearing men's dress shoes hurting or disrespecting anyone? How does it negatively impact *anyone else's* life what shoes some guy's GF wants to wear to some formal event? With all the legit things wrong with society you seriously pick *this* as your #1? An unconventional woman wearing men's shoes? *gasp* Oh no, tremble, all ye! For the end is surely upon us! Plus men's or women's they're *still* dress shoes; it's not like she asked to show up in flip flops, so your comparison doesn't even logically follow.
Load More Replies... It's fine if she doesn't like to wear heels/flats it's her feet just like it's fine for me to wear heels because it's my feet. She shouldn't bother trying to make her footwear into some big statement about the patriarchy or feminism. She's not going to change the minds of women who actually like to get dressed up and love a pretty shoe. Just wear what you like and let others wear what they like.
I think there are much deeper issues here than shoes! She seems happy with who she is (a very rare and wonderful thing). He’s not happy with who she is.
Some men shoes look very good with a dress. I mean, a lot of people wear dresses with sneakers now, so what's the problem with men shoes?
All he cared about was if he looked bad. What a shallow person. He’s embarrassed by his girlfriend.
I mean, going out in ripped shirts and bright purple cargo pants, I would be embarrassed too.
Load More Replies... Do you know the woman that is your gf? She's quirky and odd. You asked her out (or she asked you out, but you accepted), so either accept her for the person she is now, or if you're afraid you won't get ahead in your career, and are ok working with that type of people (that would hold you back because your wife is quirky and maybe awkward in groups of judgey people, then you guys aren't compatible.
Aha! The "grownup solution" was for the woman to wear heels and kick the off under the table so no-one would see, carefully hiding that she was uncomfortable. Why didn't I see right away, that the sensible way to deal with Mr Needs-his-girl-to-look-good-for-his-career's problem was that the woman gave in and did as he wished? Maybe because I live in the 21st century? I'd probably have taken the git to a shoe store, asked him to choose a pair of shoes that looked appropriate and comfortable to him and told the shop assistant to get them in his size. Taken him on a nice long walk. And then either gracefully accepted his heartfelt apology or dumped him.
She might have agreed to go to second-hand stores to buy comfortable shoes and an outfit that went with them. After the event, the clothes and shoes could be donated to a charity. This would have no negative impact on the environment. Since this is a favor for him, he should pay for the outfit. If they went shopping together, it could be a silly date rather than feeling like it is a waste of time. If neither party wants to budge on this issue, their relationship is in trouble.
Patriarchy men . Indoctrination of women gender coded clothing. She just taught this out of touch man a lesson he's not quite ready to learn.
How about a pant suit and dress boots. They would be wide enough and more comfortable than heel's. Just a thought...or a long skirt with the boots.
Not even going to bother with the whole thing. GF wears what she wants to wear and the OP can either enjoy it or go away. She loves herself, let it be. I straight up told my husband when we started dating, I love pajama pants and big sweat shirts and I will never ever wear heels and he needs to decide if that's an issue or not. We've been together for a long time and not once has he requested me to wear heels or anything I didn't want to. Minimalist are wonderful and we all could stand to be more minimal imo. Also, we spend and waste too much on clothes anyway.
I'm happy for the OP and his girlfriend for coming to an agreement about the situation. The only real issue I had was with the whole autism suggestion, I would have kept that to myself, since a lot of people will have an issue with it like I did.
Or…she could just wear a long dress or skirt that would conceal her mens dress shoes and no one would see them. At which point she could share her thoughts on the misogynistic expectations of womens apparel. Depending on how well she pulled it off, she’s likely just be seen as interesting, intelligent or clever, not weird.
First, I bet this man is much older than her and was first attracted to her because she didn’t care what she wore. Now the cuteness of that has worn thin and he wants to change her. This spells doom for their relationship. Two, I’m sure she is rarely asked to wear something appropriate for the occasion, so she could do it and make someone else happy. It’s not that difficult. I can’t even imagine the lack of effort she puts into romance and other things that are “uncomfortable”.
Does she have problems getting shoes that fit? I'm tossing this out there because men's shoes are wider and shaped differently than women's shoes. There's no reason for flats to be uncomfortable. If she has an undiagnosed foot problem, it can cause lifelong issues. (Been there!) An orthotist can make special inserts that conform to her feet and direct her to shoes that fit. She still has the complete right to wear whatever she wants (and to feel beautiful in them). I'm not saying otherwise. I've just been there and hate to see someone else potentially experiencing a similar struggle.
OP sounds like TA. For all the reasons people say. I don't think ANY workplace would care that his gf wears men's shoes. If anyone noticed or brought it up, him just saying, "Yeah, their still formal but actually comfortable." And leaving it alone would not only have his gfs back, but would make him look secure and confident. I promise he's not going to miss out on a promotion because of his gfs choice in formal footwear, he's definitely dying on the wrong hill which is apparently a pile of his own insecurities. The fact that his gf was worn down enough to change after obviously not wanting to is sad imo. My guess is she'll eventually leave him when he keeps trying to change how she dresses and functions in the world. It sounds to me like he's not actually dating the person he wants to be dating. If he wants a high femme, he should date a high femme, nothing wrong with that. But trying to change someone who isn't that way? It'll be better for both of them if it doesn't last.
I wore a dress and flats to my husband's sister's wedding, he didn't need to ask me. I had to tell my husband to pack a button up, slacks and dress shoes to his friends wedding. He complied because he knew it was the right thing to do, it was an event, it was nice, and he knew to listen to me when I ask him to do things he doesn't like.... Because I do the same for him... It's called compromise, and yea if she can't compromise for even a few hours, she shouldn't be in a relationship. He doesn't want "high femme" just appropriate when it comes to work casual or formal events. If you won't compromise for a few hours, then you shouldn't be in a relationship. He also shouldn't have to list all the ways he compromised prior to this incident for compromise to be on the table, it's a healthy, used to be normal, part of a relationship. Compromise keeps people together, lack of it is a reason why relationships fail.
Load More Replies... Dude has set himself up for being called the a-hole BC of the way he wrote the post. Somewhere in there is a reasonable argument that an evening dress and men's shoes look really weird and can we do one night in lady's dress shoes but it's all hidden under calling her autistic based on nothing and calling her a weirdo and going on ABT how embarrassing she is as well as his own thoughts ABT how she should look in general
To me I'm not mad about the job part there are a lot of jobs where family plays and important part maybe. Maybe should have thought about this before getting serious with her there will be a lot of occasions where she will have to wear shoes. I really don't understand how men shoes more comfortable than female
After a foot injury, I can't wear heels or flats! I totally recommend Allegria shoes which have an orthotic. They are very comfortable and you can get some that are dressy or some that are plain. The point is, they are comfortable and look nice. Nurses wear them so they are very practical for being on your feet or if you have a foot injury.
Clearly she is living on a higher plane then this guy. She came down to his level to please him. I understand his thoughts but he should only be concerned about his shoes. There are plenty of ways she could have rocked oxfords and made it look completly high end fashionable. I'm a little sad that they compramised but since her style is minimalist and practical NOT autistic, and also more practical for her to find an acceptable comptamise to have as a go to for each formal occation then deal with his butt hurttedness each time he feels embarrassed by her not caring about gender norms in fashion. Also if he actually studied the most current fashion trends and top designers he will find that inclusivity and gender non conformity and classic looks used in a new situation are actually the absolute height of fashion now and have been for the last 4 ish years and she would have been seen by many as bold and brave and beautiful and trendy vs his label akwardly autistic.she deserves more
Why can't she wear oxfords and a suit? I'm definitely a heels and dress girl, but I've been to formals with my husband while wearing a women's suit and unisex or male wingtips. If femininity is in question, a pearl necklace or a tasteful scarf instead of a tie works nicely. I agree there are places where you can't go without adhering to thr dress code. I don't think either are the a hole in this situation. It’s a matter of what is appropriate for the type of event.
I can understand both sides and happy that it got resolved in a nice way but the guy shouldn't be so bent out of shape that his gf isn't materialistic but on the other hand may be she could've gotten flats or may be a woman's suit compromise is key it may not be about the heels but he shouldn't expect her to be uncomfortable just because she won't wear what he wants her too and she should've told him from the very beginning that she likes being a minimalist idk both of them were stupid
I cannot wear heels or makeup for medical reasons, most of my shoes are tennis shoes sandals or for work men's safety shoes because women's safety shoes hurt my feet I cannot wear pointed shoes they have to be square toed. I have worn evening gowns with boots skirts with boots no problem no one going to be looking at her shoes anyway get over it you try to wear what they want women to wear as shoes, after you twist your ankle a few times fall couple of time have blisters on your heels and toes crunch and wear and walk in that a few hours let us know how you feel then. I don't know why they think it's ok to put zippers or buttons in the back where you can't reach them no pockets to put your keys in so you have to carry a purse which you can't set down least you forgot it or it gets stolen and it makes it so you have limited movement dure to purse getting in the way.men don't really realize how lucky they are.they only put on pants shirt ready to go.
If the shoes she was wearing are nice what difference would it have made? It didn't sound like she was going to show up all tattered. So op shouldn't have pushed it. But ultimately they both came to an agreement. Everyone else opinion no longer matters. They settled it.
NTA. Society sucks. Wear whatever you like to ... what is appropriate? What the people going consider so, unless there's a dresscode. Dresscodes need to be taken less serious, ffs, I know people of high intelligence, having extreme experience and knowledge in their fields and beyond, who got to the point not having to care anymore, because their abilities are worth more than their appearance. Also, engineers usually aren't paid to look good, bad, or to look at all - we are there to either solve a problem or adapt a solution, mostly doing something inbetween. 60 years ago, showing up to work without suit and tie would be either working in the field, outside, or being written up for not being dressed properly. Which was ridiculous back then, and is now, and is pretty much anywhere where dresscodes aren't about safety. Also, if you make it strict, like white shirt, black tie - sorry, unless I'm there to play some blues, or it's a funeral of someone too distant to know they wouldn't care. Grandma's funeral: a light green shirt (turquois) and a purple paisley tie. She'd have liked it, as she always liked my taste in tie and shirt ... and I liked it, too. Anyway, don't take dresscodes THAT serious ... it's usually a suggestion rather than an exact requirement that don't allow any individuality.
I just can't understand the whole case.. Why you have to bring your GF in to formal workplace party if she is not down with the fancy laa-di-daa.. Are you gonna get fired because you are alone in there?! And clearly these two are from way too different worlds.. (I would not wear a dress or high heals for anyone or anything..😬) Keep on searchin for your trophy wife..
I can relate to both sides. I wore Doc Martens for ten years for everything. Work Cristmass parties, baptisms,funerals. I swore that I would I would wear them on my weding day. Haven't maried yet, but it is not so important anymore to me. I understand him, he doesn't want his coworkers to gossip abut his girlfriend,and I understand her for not wanting to change herself. They resolved the issue in a mature way,so good for them. And recently I attended very formal paty of doctors and nurses,and one doctor actuall, wore suit an dwhite sneackers,so who gives a damn these days.
NTA: some businesses ARE still in the mindset of the 80s were women "doll up" n look "feminine" n anything other is "wrong" sounds like thats a plave he works at. He nor she can chage it. I get women shoes suck.but shes not expected to wear it every day just a few hrs. I hate dress shoes but i wear them if i have to
After becoming Disabled, wearing heels was impossible. But there are flat dress shoes, or ballet flats, too. Finding ones with really good arch support though, is tricky. And in my small size even more so. And, can someone please tell me what is wrong with orange and purple as a color combination?
Ok guy. Get a new girlfriend. This one is way to practical for you. You must work for some shallow minded people that won't look at character and personality first. She's not going to confirm to your expectations. And, your focus is on appearance. So, better to go alone, make a superficial excuse why she isn't their and then after the event you guys figure out if this is a salvageable relationship.
Cybill Shepherd used to show up at awards wearing designer gowns and high top sneakers. She looked adorable. I've always told my daughter to have a pair of sandals and a pair of flats, one in silver and one in gold. Pretty much allows you to wear one or the other with anything to dress it up a little.
As an autistic guy I think it's probably a sensory issue. She said it herself that women's shoes are impractical and uncomfortable. I would never push her to wear anything uncomfortable. It's often extremely unpleasant for us, autistic folks. Please understand that we're not trying to be rebels, it's about our wellbeing, that's all.
. I can t wear torturing stilettos and I don t. Neither must the girl in discussion. ,,she might be a little autistic". If you have such petty complaints, find a better match😐
If I'm the only one who noticed that he specifically mentioned that her absence "will make him look bad"? Honestly, is it alright for American work ethic? Last time my bf took me to work event we wore t-shirts and ate barbeque.
This is an opposites attract. He's overly concerned with what people think of him. He's even more concerned with what they think about who he is with. He's completely shallow in that since. She couldn't care less about what people think about anything. He should consider himself lucky, my 'dress shoes' became Van slide-ons years ago.
As somebody in the spectrum, I think that this was solved as well as it could be solved. Clothes are difficult for a long list of reasons even without complex and generally unwritten rules on what is and isn't appropriate in any given situation. If you manage to find a solution that suits you, often after a lot of trial and error, it can be difficult to give up on the security. Here the OP made the effort to communicate his needs in a way that his gf could work with and they reached a compromise. I hope the OP recognised the real work and effort that was made by his gf, because in my personal experience this is a very real struggle.
Finally! An AITA that makes me really think! And that said, I think the answer is... kinda both? YTA if you insist that your girlfriend should just suck it up and wear heels or flats like "any other woman." First off, your girlfriend ISN'T any other woman, and if you want her to be like other women, then maybe you'd be better off just dating other women. Second – and I know you said this wasn't about the heels, but reading over your post that's definitely contradictory – don't ask someone to do something that even you yourself are not willing to do. That old adage of "walk a mile in their shoes" before judging someone couldn't be more true here. But, with the addendum that they don't HAVE to be heels, then to that I say either a) change the outfit to fit the shoes or b) change the shoes to fit the outfit. (1/3)
I'd personally recommend a low, chunky heel. Very similar in appearance to some men's dress shoes, but vastly more comfortable and easy to maneuver in than the majority of options. Flats, while not the dreaded heel, are still quite uncomfortable, as they typically have no support to them. Clark's is a good brand I've found to have a good balance between comfort and style. Boots can be dressy as well, yet still provide significantly more comfort and support. If nothing looks quite right with a gown-like dress though, then an outfit change might be best. Either way, it's probably best to remember that, shallow or not, people are going to likely be more engaged in other things going on, as opposed to the shoes someone is wearing (granted they're not clown shoes or something of the like, haha). (3/3)
Load More Replies... Here we go again .. don't tell women what to wear etc etc bull!! He is not asking her to run a marathon with him in heels. He is simply asking her for one damn night to follow a dress code for a work event .A small sacrifice because she cares for the guy. It's also a respect for him and the integrity of their relationship. I give a little when its asked of me because you worth it. His request is not unreasonable, doesn't violate her human's strong independent woman rights. Because the next day she can go back to her sweats and slip slops. Wearing a pair of low heels occasionally for a glam event won't kill her. You are NTA. Not seeing any kind of shaming here.
I would maybe consider finding a different job if my girlfriend's shoe choice would cause that much of an issue. Sounds like the guy may be making it up to be more than what it is though. Just my opinion. Dress shoes are dress shoes. At a work event no one besides the employee should impact much.
I'm wondering what kind of company this is. It sounds like the kind that pays very well and offers a pretty good career trajectory since he feels he may be punished career-wise if people know he has a girlfriend and she doesn't show up or she does not fit their aesthetic.
Them she can buy a new pair of converse (even in men's size) bc alot of prom-goers are/Have done that. You have to know when to do something as such to be impactful. This event doesn't sound like it would be beneficial for her to express that, and would put ylou on blast at work! Nobody wants to deal with that s**t! Tell her new converse or tell co-workers that she's sick.
He made some pretty messed up comments which definitely make him ta, but compromises must be made in any relationship. Although, they did eventually come to a compromise. In that case, I think him blasting their business and making those messed up comments, makes him solely TA.
Everyone saying he is in the wrong: imagine a female professional who needs to go to a formal event for work, and her male partner insisting on wearing a pair of women's heels because he prefers them. Imagine her having to use such tact to explain to him that she has no problem herself with his preferences but it would cause her problems for him to either arrive in women's heels or for her to show up alone. Imagine him being so resistant and insistent on wearing the women's heels to her important event. Like it or not fashion is a language, and illiteracy in it indicates neurological issues which is why people pick up on those cues. Every culture on earth has cultural significance to dress, even tribes who wear mostly paint and even the Plain People (Anabaptists) whose fashion ethic is based on practicality like the girlfriend prefers, have very specific significance to even subtle fashion details (what kind of suspenders, how many pleats in a cap, etc).
He is NTA. He is very patient to work around her resistance. He is 100% in the right.
I can understand where he's coming from completely. I used to be with a guy that only wore white t-shirts and khaki pants. Like every single day, no matter what and if the t-shirt had a logo or something on it he would wear it inside out. It drove me crazy when we went places bc I'd be dressed nicely and he essentially looked like a hobo with his inside out t-shirt and threadbare khaki pants. He owned other clothes. He owned nice clothes. He just did not care about what he looked like to other people. I learned to live with it for a long time until one day he just changed his mind and started dressing differently. I think he only did it bc he thought it would make me happy and it did. I didn't insist he do it, but I really just thought he was a very attractive man and nice clothing or at least occasion appropriate clothing made him look even better. I think he figured out that was a good thing😄
NTA. The point of relationships is to be each other's wingman, to bolster each other up. How hard is it to just help each other? Why does everything have to be a bloody protest, social justice, feminist event.
I am all for someone being themselves, and on a day to day basis I say to each his own. But a formal work event? Come on. Girlfriend needs to grow up and put on women's shoes for a few hours. She's acting like a toddler. Doesn't need to be high heels. There are plenty of reasonably comfortable lower heel options that would look fine. I think girlfriend is just weird. I have lots of issues with my feet and can't wear heels, but I have found several brands of nice comfy women's shoes. Insisting on wearing men's shoes is just odd.
People are really attacking him. He said just for an event with his job. A job I am sure if he quits he might suffer. He probably can't find one better. My daughter hates heels but she will wear shoes that are made like sneakers with a heel. Y'all don't know how a job works. Some jobs actually goes by looks and family value. Especially for those who are trying to elevate in their job. Why not go and compromise. He said she doesn't have to wear heels and she doesn't like flats. I hate flats too. But their are millions of different shoe types out here for women. There are shoes for every type of woman to wear. She did compromise and found out there are shoes out there she might actually like. If you have a problem about him wanting her to try female shoes give it a chance, than I hope you don't make your kids eat what they don't like. What do we tell them to give it a try before saying you don't like something.
I would suggest having her wear some nice women dress flats. I wore a beautiful pair on my wedding day. I still get compliments on them.
How do you date people that can’t make an effort to look good for you. I’m sorry I can’t 🤮
She can’t make a little concession to help further his career? Not much of a partnership, and oh how dare you expect anything from a woman you misogynist 🙄
She's stupid. It's his job, career, and future. If she isn't in the mood to dress for the occasion, stay your butt at home. He should take someone else who understands things can't always be what you want like a spoiled princess. There are societal norms for dress ad behavior. You don't have to comply, but you do have to deal with the consequences. Why should he suffer because she wants to make a political statement? NTA. AT ALL.
Not the a******. She might as just wear a tacky ugly orange T-shirt with those bright purple cargo shorts with her men's shoes..... I don't care if she's materialistic or autistic if you're going to your significant others work party you dress the part it's only for a few hours just suck it up that's what you do you suck it up for the person you love. I don't think you're awful at all I think she is. I am the biggest of biggest of biggest tomboys in the world and my husband is used to seeing me in T-shirt dresses and flip-flops but I want but when I went things to be special I will put my makeup on and will do my hair and it just lights up his life for that day. NTA.
I didn't even read the entire article. What's wrong with flats? Or, the sandel lifts? I don't know what they're called, but they give you the lift without sacrificing too much comfort. I'm with the pants suit, too.
She is EXTREMELY selfish and this will not get better, it will get worse. Relationships are about 2 people sacrificing for each other. Her sacrifice should be to suck it up and toss shoes on for 1 night, just like my sacrifice is wearing a tie when I go to my wife's functions. It's not like he us trying to control what she wears every day.
I always supported my partner in whatever they wanted to do. Being in business I KNOW the politics involved in a corporate atmosphere. And my partner always supported me. Whatever made my partner look good at minimal effort on my part is a okay. Dude is not wanting she wear female shoes forever, just one night for a few hours. Not even a huge sacrifice. If she can't even compromise for 2-3 hours ditch her. A relationship is ALWAYS about compromise
Not sure if my reply posted, I can't find it. It isn't too much to expect she dress appropriately for one event, at your work, for you. You are not the a*****e. She is. The selfish one.
I’m glad they sorted it out. When you ask advice on the internet you’re going to get all the opinions lol. There is nothing wrong with OP wanting his gf to dress more appropriate for his work event. There is nothing wrong with his gf for wanting to be comfortable. If I were him, I’d have sat down with her and done some online shopping, figure out what styles she likes and he’d think would fit the event and offer to pay for it. If it’s a whole new outfit, fine. If it’s just a pair of shoes, cool. I bought my husband a pair of date night shoes that looked somewhat dressy but had a sneaker sole bc all he owned were a pair of sambas. Everybody wins!
Dear OP, acquire and binge watch the makeover show starring Stacy London with your girlfriend. Ask her to pay special attention to the reaction of the makeover subject's loved ones. I think that the insight you have into your girlfriend's indifference to social cues is on point, and this could help her to understand your needs cognitively, and the place of empathy you're coming from.
Do women really think men's dress shoes are comfortable? They often hurt at the heel and around the toes. You can pay more for comfortable men's shoes and you can pay more for comfortable women's shoes. I have a pair of 3" heeled boots and they hurt at the pad of the foot after awhile but don't cause any pain in the heel itself. Point is that anyone can learn to wear heels and generally all dress shoes hurt.
There sure are a lot of people here who have only ever worked at minimum wage jobs, with no need for PR. There are quite a few high paying positions that have need for personal PR, and yes, not following it can mean a damaged career, or lost job. I know it sucks. Yes, it would be great if all of society would change, but society doesn't bend because of a single event with the stuffy board members. Considering long term personal consequences is part of being an adult. Kn when, and where, to protest, is part of being an adult. Otherwise everyone sounds like 8-year-olds whinging about needing to sit up straight, and pay attention, in class. --> I do think she could benefit from lace up women's shoes, and a good quality pant suit, though. I can't wear anything but flats, and because of my past injury, I can't wear anything that doesn't cover the top of my foot. So, I have fitted women's loafers, and a pair of lace up women's dress boots for winter. Comfy, and meant for my feet.
Why assume we work a minimum wage job? I might actually be making more money than you, and no my boss isn't shallow enough to care what my SO is wearing. My SO isn't employed by the company, for one, and the shoes I wear don't make me smarter or dumber. The only way to get rid of this pretentious bs is to actually challenge it.
Load More Replies... These AITA reposts from Reddit have gotten out of control. Wish there was a way to filter them out. I switched to Bored Panda (and only BP) instead of other similar sites because I found it to have a lot of positivity in the posts and community. AITA posts are just attention seeking imo, and there have been sooooo many that the issues keep getting increasingly trivial, obvious, and/or annoying. These AITA posts almost never used to be in the featured or trending feeds, but today there were like five in a row. I get that there is a ton of reposting on this site from other similar sites and social media etc, but it makes no sense to repost AITA from Reddit and then people comment advice but the OP is on Reddit not Bored Panda.
If you don't like the aita posts, don't read them. Problem solved.
Load More Replies... She should wear what you would like her to wear. Shoes and all. It’s for your work. Even if the shoes hurt. You make sacrifices for those you love and a couple hours at an office party is a small sacrifice. She needs to grow up and realize it’s not about her.
She seems like a selfish B to me. She can't be uncomfortable for 2 hours to please you and help you with your goals. Ditch her. There are plenty of inexpensive comfortable women's shoes. It's weird she wants to wear men's shoes. I would be embarrassed to show my employer that I meant so little to my mate they couldn't act like a normal person for 2 hours to help me and stand in shoes that were women's. I'd leave quickly if I was you. This woman is telling you your gifts and your feelings and your goals mean nothing to her. Almost to the point of sabatoge by her if she must participate in your dreams.
Suck it up butch. Wear a killer dress with some damn heels, put on some makeup, and try to look GREAT for once in your life at an event that is important to your man. Now let the roasting of my comments begin.
Nta..Everyone's jumping down this guys throat over nothing, he just wants her to wear nice shoes to a work function. Ppl need to chill making a mountain out of a mole hill..everyone is so sensitive and pc nowadays that almost anything you say can offend someone. Its not like he tells her how to dress everyday. He's simply asking her to wear nice shoes, whether they're heels or flats or whatever, for one dinner. Nbd. 🤷♀️
This is stupid. The one making a mountain out of a molehill is him. It was very clear his girlfriend didn't want to do it, yet he decided that his job was more important than his girlfriend being comfortable. The man can grow up, find another job if it's so bad. If not he can get over himself and let his girlfriend do her own thing.
Load More Replies... Im on the fence about this one but I mostly agree with OP and some other people below. In regard to the latter, it is definitely appreciated when your partner makes an effort. And to be honest with you, if I had let him, my partner would have worn shorts and a t-shirt to my sister's wedding. Not on my watch. We went out and dressed him. And in the end he looked terrific! He cleans up really nicely! The annoying thing about his attitude is he actually has a terrific sense of style and can rock anything. He just chooses not to. And that's okay on most days but for a formal event, make the effort! And much like the OP and his girlfriend, we're adults with reasonable communication skills and mutual respect so we were able to figure it out. I am all about breaking down barriers and defying standards, and I always appreciate practicality but there is a time and place; the most well-rounded people know where and when to do so.
Yes, I believe men should be able to wear dresses if they want to. So yeah, wear a dress if you want.
Load More Replies... This guy has extremely stubborn behavior. He asked his girlfriend to o wear heels and flats, she said no. She specifically said no because it's not practical or comfortable. She has every right to dress the way she wants to. There's nothing stubborn about that. This guy wouldn't take no for answer and kept trying to convince her for his own selfishness reasons. He could have easily said okay and go by himself, but instead he said it wasn't an option. This guy was willing to try forcing his girlfriend to wear the "correct" shoes in his own mind because he would get into trouble. He knew exactly what he was getting into, he doesn't get to be an a** over it when it comes to these events.
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