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Guy Stands Up To His GF’s Parents, They Banish Him From Their Family, He Turns To The Internet For Help
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Guy Stands Up To His GF’s Parents, They Banish Him From Their Family, He Turns To The Internet For Help

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Thanksgiving is supposed to be a holiday full of delicious food and warmth spent in the company of your family. However, such family occasions have the potential to become emotionally charged and explode, leading to fights, yelling, and even banishment. Yup, banishment. Usually, it’s safe to say that fights start when someone mentions politics or religion. But sometimes, arguments can be sparked by… a pair of glasses.

One internet user turned to Imgur for help because he got himself in quite a pickle after standing up for his girlfriend in front of her mother. Her demanding mom told her to remove her glasses for a photo and this distressed her because she sees her glasses as an inseparable part of her identity.

When her boyfriend defended her and told her mom that they won’t be doing any of this, an argument broke out. The result? Imgur user Silverpattern0112 was banished from his girlfriend’s family and is now sifting through tens and hundreds of pieces of advice on the best way to deal with the situation.

An Imgur user turned to the internet for help with a delicate situation…

…and it involves Thanksgiving, his girlfriend, her mother, as well as a pair of glasses

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People had different advice to offer the Imgurian. Some suggested that the couple get their own apartment to live in to help the girlfriend escape her controlling mother. Others exclaimed that the boyfriend did everything right by standing his ground and not giving in to emotional manipulations. While still others joked that Silverpattern0112 should make comments about his girlfriend’s mother’s appearance every time she criticized her daughter.

Bored Panda reached out to Dan Bacon, who founded The Modern Man website, to talk about partner-parent relationships, especially what a boyfriend should try to do if things go sour.

“Focus on ensuring that she feels enough respect, attraction and love for you that her parent’s opinions become secondary. If a woman loves a man enough, she will try to be patient and work things out between her man and her parents,” he explained.

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“If her parents still don’t accept him, but she is totally in love with him, she will almost always follow her heart and focus on building a life with her man, rather than leaving the love of her life to satisfy her parents,” Bacon said. “After all, she is the new generation. It’s on her now to find a man, have a family and live in the world of today. Her parents met and raised a family in yesterday’s world.”

Bacon noted that it is “always best” to respect your partner’s parents and try to understand their values. However, it is also vital that you’re respectful of your own values.

“You should understand that her parents will likely stick to their values all the way, so there’s no point fighting with them about it. Instead, understand where they are coming from and understand that in time, they may eventually come to accept you and love you for who you are.”

You should respect your partner’s parents, but not at the cost of the relationship

Bored Panda also asked Bacon whether somebody should break off the relationship if their partner’s parents’ dislike grows to very high levels. Bacon’s answer was a resounding ‘no.’

“There’s no need to move on if you truly love her because you’re in a romantic relationship with her, not her parents. The parents are important and should be respected, but they are secondary to the romantic relationship between the man and woman,” he stressed.

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“It’s important to understand that almost everyone thinks that their way of living life is the right way and everyone else’s way is wrong. In life, it’s best not to waste energy trying to convince everyone to live life the way you do,” Bacon said.

“Instead, just understand that people have different motivations and reasons for living life the way they do. You might not get that level of understanding back from people about how you live your life, but give it to others. In time, they will realize their mistake. They will realize that they could have loved and accepted you the whole time and it wouldn’t have been a problem.”

Do you have any other advice to help people deal with their loved ones’ parents? What do you think people should do if they’re disliked by their gf or bf’s parents? Share your thoughts with us in the comments, dear Pandas.

This is what some Imgur users advised the boyfriend to do

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wproctor avatar
WillemPenn
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The only person anyone can change is themself. If I were this guy, I would look at what my part was. Why did I feel the need to fight my GF's battles? Did I think she wasn't strong enough to stand up for herself? Did I ask her beforehand if she wants me to intervene? Is this really respectful or am I just playing rescue ranger because it feeds my ego (hint: if I'm on the Internet seeking affirmation, it is probably about ego)? If I'm holding my ground and my GF wants me to give aren't I being just as controlling as her parents? In any event, it sounds like the typical "perpetrator-victim-rescuer" dysfunctional triangle. What am I willing to do to no longer play the rescuer in this system? Can I maintain healthy boundaries and be in relation with these people or do I need to move on?

pseudo_puppy avatar
Pseudo Puppy
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

*exactly* what I was thinking. I believe in standing up for your partner - with their permission. Too often, I've had partners (or even strangers) try to step in to "protect me", when I was totally capable, and knew what decisions I was making, and knew the repercussions of my decisions. Someone then steps up, trying to "protect" me without my permission, and the idiot I'm dealing with, then gets their back up, loses their s**t, and makes *my* job of dealing with them even worse, with me then having to calm them *both* down. If there are assumptions being made, prior to the choice to intervene, it's more about the "rescuer" than it is about the one they're trying to "rescue".

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rhodaguirreparras avatar
Pittsburgh rare
Community Member
4 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yeah, nice of him, but it's HER who have to defend herself. Encourage her to do so instead of confronting the parents.

dicartwright avatar
Diana Cartwright
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's great that you're such a big person who'll always confront your parents. But don't judge others in that respect. Not being able to do that can have many reasons which you're not ready to understand at once. Some times it will take someone that cares for you to break that cycle, and only then you can think about starting to do it for yourself.

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leodomitrix avatar
Leo Domitrix
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Or he could have just politely asked his girlfriend if she'd prefer her glasses on or off, and thus make her feel that he cares about her more than winning the pi**ing match with her dad?

deb_14 avatar
Carrie de Luka
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes. It gives her the power in that situation. All he did was try and wrestle control away from the parent which ultimately did no good at all. He's making it too much about him.

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tenay_douglas avatar
Tenay Douglas
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It sounds like he got tired of his gf being treated like a family pet that her mother could dress anyway she wanted to. I'm 18 and have worn glasses since kindergarten and would be pretty offended if my family told me I had to take them off just to have a "nice picture". Her mom basically said she looks ugly with them on and her face is only acceptable for a photo without glasses

boredpanda_99 avatar
SirWriteALot
Community Member
4 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Easy of us all to say to stick with it, but it will be weekends and holidays and family reuions and birthdays and babtism etc. that will be awkward. Apologize for your choice of words or your abrupt manner but explain that you care for their daughter and do not appreciate them putting her down. Maybe agree to disagree, but you will have to spend a lot of time with these folks if you're going to stay with your girlfriend so some kind of gesture will be needed. PS: You do not want to be responsible for your girlfriend breaking with her family. It will always be your fault.

phil-lucas avatar
Lucas
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

HIs 'sense of justice'. Right. Pride really. He called it wrong. He may want to protect his girlfriend but he made the wrong call as it is entirely up to his girlfriend whether she does as her parents ask or not. All this over 'glasses on or off'?? If she is 'devasted' about that she's being overly sensitive. Glasses help you see. They are a tool, not part of your face but it is up to HER and as she is asking him to apologise she clearly wants this over and done with and probably isn't on his side but doesn't know how to tell him as he's turned out to be just like her parents and is controlling. Run woman, run. How much does it really cost someone to make an apology, which would be a lie, just to keep the peace? Pride. He should swallow it and not make his girlfriends life worse.

davidmaisenhelder avatar
Dave In MD
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

No, her parents are saying take off the glasses because you don't look good with them. She wears them all day, not looking good in their eyes.

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jfhepler avatar
Jessica
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Unfortunately the o/p has put his girlfriend in the difficult position. She did not want to have the drama that was created by you confronting her mother I would apologize so she doesn't need to feel like she's being forced to face them alone not see them again or end her relationship with you. Encourage her to stand up for herself and try to only meet in public places where they have to behave. It's not your job to fight her fights for her especially unsolicited.

emory_ce avatar
Carol Emory
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Here's what I want to tell your girlfriend..let the parents go. They are the ones in the wrong, not your boyfriend. And if they are going to make you choose, I'd go with the person that supports you, stands up for you and let's you be who you want to be..not what someone says you should be. My most cleansing moment in my life was the day I'd finally had enough and told my mother off to her face. When I pointed out how she had no right to nit-pick our lives because she was just as bad (yes..I listed all of her bad behavior) she lost it and started screaming at me. The thing is, she came back weeks later and apologized for her behavior. Did it change her..no. Do I communicate with her anymore? Not really. At some point you have to save yourself. Toxic people only mean to destroy you to make themselves look better. Don't let them do it.

heidi-geary2004 avatar
Heidi Geary
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The way I see it, if you give in to those sort of people, you are encouraging them that what they did is ok.

christmas avatar
Chris Jones
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They aren't going to change. Parents rarely change how they treat their adult offspring just because someone else stepped in. If she wants the relationship to change she needs to talk to them in a completely different setting and not when she's being challenged about glasses on or off for a photo. Few options for people with controlling parents - you can move a long way away, let it go over your head and do what you want or tackle them and hope it changes. If it doesn't then move on - nothing you can do. Some relationships are toxic and you can't change them.

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torchiboi avatar
Batty
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Terrorists? How the hell is asking someone to remove their glasses an act I'd terrorism? I'm not defending the parents but he's overreacting by calling then terrorists. Frankly, everyone is overreacting in this situation.

odiasuda565 avatar
Scratch
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is what you call picking your battles? Fighting with your girlfriend's mother over glasses? lol.

lynarnold avatar
Lyn Arnold
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

“Focus on ensuring that she feels enough respect, attraction and love FOR YOU (emphasis mine) that her parent’s opinions become secondary. If a woman loves a man enough, she will try to be patient and work things out between her man and her parents,” he explained." "It’s on her now to find a man, have a family and live in the world of today." WHAT. Who is this clown? The goal is for young women to have the strength of their own self-esteem and confidence, and to not be swayed by ANYONE. So the love of a good man will save a woman? And what's this noise about going out and finding a man? Yeah that's definitely 'the world of today'. Sheesh.

kevin-donegan avatar
Kevin Donegan
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I would suggest you not apologize ... it will not be the last time this type of situation occurs. Be prepared to (1) be yourself and say what you normally would ... respectfully, or (2) keep your mouth shut when you're with her family. There are no other options.

dariab_1 avatar
Daria B
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

His mind is in the right place, but he terribly lacks tactics. He did what he thought was right to protect his girlfriend, but he ended up actually hurting her. Since the events happened the way they did, at this point, for the sake of his girlfriend, he should, indeed, apologise, although his apology doesn't need to be an "I'm wrong - you're right" kind. This is his chance to prove that he's a level above and make a carefully worded apology whose ultimate message is something like "I hope we can both learn from this incident, since all we both want is the happiness of our *insert name*". Living by principles is good, but sometimes, to make desired outcomes, you need to bend in order not to break. And you can still do so according to your sense of justice. Anyway, change tactics. Instead of being direct, whenever her mother criticises her daughter's look, revert the conversation to the positive side and point out a beautiful detail about her. Or something like that anyway.

dnl1318 avatar
Daniel Molitor
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You all are making this way to complicated its very simple if this little agruement bothers you this much most likely ya should break up she wont change and neither will you yours prideful and feel that when your right you shouldnt have to say sorry and she is passive and would prefer to not fight over something she feels is stupid your personalities dont match and will just lead to fighting over small things intill you break up anyway

zelda2park avatar
Zelda Blue
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I would explain to the girlfriend that you respect her too much to allow her mother or anyone disrespect her, for that reason alone you cannot apologize to her mother. Let her know that it is up to her if she wants to see her parents however you will not go along with her. Be sure to emphasize that you are not asking her to choose between you or them, that you will be there to help her decompress after her visits and will support her in whatever her decision is. You don't have to like her family, its her that you have the relationship with not them.

deannawoods avatar
deanna woods
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

At first, I was thinking that what he did was right, but after reading some of the comments I got a new perspective. If the girlfriend was really that upset about what her mother said, she should have said something. Also, like someone else said, glasses help you see, they are not who you are. I wear glasses too, but if I was asked to take them off for a photo, I would either say yes or say no. If the mom was persistent and she didn't want to take them off, she should have said something. I think people need to stay out of their partner's family affairs unless they are told to help. Hopefully, he will follow his girlfriend's wishes and keep the peace.

hazelree avatar
Stille20
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He's so self-righteous he wanted to defend her, but won't respect her requests to apologize so she can have her boyfriend in her parents house.

holliemarie1995 avatar
Hollie Newton
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ouch I know this situation our resolution is my parents respect my partner and my decision to be with him. They respect he isn't a social person. He however respects that despite the way they treat me they will always be my parents. I respect that he does not care for my parents in the slightest so try not to force the family together.

nolls888 avatar
nolls888
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This drama resulted out of making nothing into a big deal. It's pretty pathetic that the boyfriend gloats he was raised to 'pick his fights' be the bigger man etc. but really he insulted the partners parents out of stupid petty reason and now soured relationship. If the girl was upset, he didnt have to be a freaking white knight and be a sarcastic dbag with the parents of his gf. He could have went about it politely saying something like "She's beautiful with her glasses on, so let's quickly get that photo or we're going to be late(excuse to move things quicker)." Or even reassure your partner it's fine to take her glasses off during photos, not many people request it so it's fine if she does it once in awhile for her parents. You make her parents out to be these abusive monsters, when they scrutinize her dress up. People do that. A lot. Nothing new. Boyfriend needs to stop being a 𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘩𝘦!

elizabethlordcary avatar
Elizabeth
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Tough situation that depends on how long he intends to stick around. If there are any possibilities that they will stay together long term or have kids he almost has to apologize or it's going to force even more uncomfort. Funny idea though: whenever the GF is forced by her mom to take her glasses off- she should cross her eyes. "Well Mom, I can't see without these so I don't know what's going on, I'm just trying to see you."

sarah-lennie avatar
TheKnightOwl
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Oof...I'm in two minds on this one. My first instinct was to side with him completely. My husband won't defend me when his family insults me (he doesn't join in either, but ignores it for fear of him being the target), and I dream of the day he speaks his mind...he tells me what he thinks, but won't tell them. However, this is different, it's HER family. I believe his heart is in the right place; it's honourable to be defensive of your gf when someone is insulting her, but this is a deep dynamic that he has only recently stepped into. Perhaps encouraging his girlfriend to build her self confidence, helping her realise her strengths would be best...whether she chooses to stand up for herself to her parents is her decision. Just be there for her.

info_884 avatar
Alex Bailey
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sorry, not my business, but your husband not defending you when his family insults you is utterly wrong. I know he can probably do little to change their behaviour but he really should tell them, politely, that it isn't okay. I would say to my parents that if they can't be polite to my partner than we won't be able to visit. People do not need to have their parents in their life if they are awful people and you should come before them as he has chosen you as his life partner. This man has let his pride get in the way and I agree it isn't his job to defend his girlfriend against her parents and instead should help her develop skills to deal with them. Sadly, he just sounds like a man out of the same mould as her mother - controlling. Look how he is refusing to do something that would benefit her NOW, but was willing to stand up for her because HE didn't like it. He's making it about HIM in every instance.

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dariazotova avatar
Daria Z
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

In my country, doing what this guy did is unthinkable. Unless the mother physically assaulted her, any interference from his part would be considered extremely rude. The only thing a guy could do in this situation is to say that he liked her that way and isn't she gorgeous as she is. The US culture is different from ours it seems.

christmas avatar
Chris Jones
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Both parent and boyfriend are controlling types and the girlfriend doesn't realise she's just picked someone like her mother. She needs someone to encourage her to stand up to her mother or to let it slide over her head. Only ways to deal with controlling parents of adult offspring. His pride getting in the way of her being happy - I'd be very worried in her shoes that he can't even make a pretend apology for my benefit. Who cares about his pride? Only him. Stubborn a**e doesn't want to admit he cocked up.

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tomoneill_1 avatar
tom oneill
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

F**k'em, their toxic so cut them off assuming you haven't already.

frostirin avatar
lightbulb
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If anyone asked me to remove my glasses for a photo because "it'll look nicer" they're getting punched.

john_carter avatar
John Carter
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They did him a favor and cut through months if not years of wasted time. Marrying her is marrying into their family. She's clearly either a thrall to her family or cut from the same abusive cloth. Cut your losses now or suffer neurotic lunacy until you walk all the way away.

rozkay avatar
Roz Klaiman
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Oh, I so know that scene. I am now a woman in my 80s but I remember my mother demanding the same, every photo including graduation photos were without my glasses so I didn't look like myself who had worn glasses since I was 8 years old. My mother used to insist I take them off as soon as I got home from school, which meant not being able to see. Although he is correct he is NOT the right person to do that - his girlfriend has to learn to stand up for herself and insist or else her mother will forever rule her life. It took me years but I finally did and refused but first I had two photos made, one with and one without glasses for every occasion. I gave the ones without glasses to my mother, everyone else received the one that looked like me. Eventually my mother refused the one without glasses and said she wanted the other one - I was then in my late 20s. His girlfriend will never become an adult until she learns to take charge of herself.

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Amanda Douthitt
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

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christopherjones_2 avatar
Christopher Jones
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Obviously you didn't learn to pick your battles well... She asked to remove her coat and glasses, not pose for 3 hours without moving so she can paint a portrait.. Christ sakes..

chrissprucefield avatar
Chris Sprucefield
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Guess what.. and f you are from a different culture, living in a different country and culture, you are no longer at home, even in your home, when you interact with locals. They are the ones that has to adapt to local culture and acceptable moral behaviour, not the other way around. I am saying this as an immigrant in a foreign culture and country myself. You chose to go there, live with it, integrate, and people will accept, or....leave.

dotcartman_1 avatar
DotC
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When he said cultural, it made me curious. Is it about culture or is it because they are rich? I find that when someone thinks an immigrant culture moving to the US is rude, it is less about the culture and more that the immigrants were rich enough to move here and rich people in all cultures just suck. The reason my brain went here is because of how vain he said they were. Obviously, I could be wrong. The other thing that concerned me is some cultures, if the girl takes his side, will find a reason to commit violence against her for standing up or taking an outsider's, though he's her partner, side.

firstbk50 avatar
Carol Roeder
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Stay true to your course. Your GF is in an awkward situation but she has to understand you took this stand for her. What her parents are doing is beyond childish. They will never change their ways and she deserves respect just like anyone else does. If it is really serious between you two, get your own place and tell her folks goodbye. You still have your family and each other, what more do you need? I'm pretty proud you took the stand you did! She should be too.

miriamemendelson avatar
Mimi M
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think it's weird to ask Dan Bacon for relationship and family advice.

marijadjuric avatar
Marija Djuric
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The only way to be the bigger person is to have compassion for the mom. She is clearly projecting her own self-esteem issues on her daughter. But she is just someone with self-esteem issues. Not a terrorist. Talk to them, discuss the situation, hear them out, and explain your side. But when you listen, and when you talk, do it with compassion for the woman who brought into the world and raised the woman you love.

cruzarts avatar
Steve Cruz
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

DON'T SCHOOL OTHER PEOPLES' PARENTS. "Thank you for having us, but we really have to move along. Take care! Bye!" and SCOOT. Be polite, not accusatory. Keep moving in one direction. AFTERWARD, discuss the situation with your partner and find out how they want it handled.

ash2lar avatar
Christine M Quigley
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is clearly a control situation. The parents are throwing their weight around, in front of the boyfriend, to let him know 'who's really in charge here.' It IS up to the GF to take the initiative here, if she really cares about the BF, and living her own life. This is an opportunity for her to stick up for herself, and get them to back down. Her parents may or may not accept her independence, but this has been a long standing situation, and she needs to decide if she wants her parents to run her life forever.

elifaksit avatar
elif
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

btw she looks really hot with those glasses. and also, i really like the discussion here, bp community comments are far better than the selected imgur comments.

dicartwright avatar
Diana Cartwright
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes and more yes. Damaging parents won't always be stopped by their kids, they need to be stopped by someone who cares about their kids. If these tow have kids, I'm sure they're going to raise them to never be ashamed of how they look.

claireskrine avatar
Just saying
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Thing is - if they end up having kids together, the gf's mum will do exactly the same to the grandkids. It's worth them knowing now that this man is not going to stand for that happening to his family.

christmas avatar
Chris Jones
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He's too controlling a person as well though - didn't ask what his girlfriend wanted just assumed.

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tashatilbrook avatar
Tasha Tilbrook
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Lots of comments here hitting out at him saying he should ask her permission to intervene, but unless you've been in that kind of situation with parents you don't know what it's like. My mum can be very toxic and I was always happy when my hubby would step in because I didn't have the strength to after years of being conditioned to take that kind of thing. Thankfully my hubby did it in a much more subtle way and now things are better all around. Thinking of this as a parent too though, they should be happy that their daughter is with someone who is willing to step in when the need arises, he won't stand aside while she's being harassed. I'd want that for my daughter.

allenjohn avatar
Allen John
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

His Mistake: He stood up for her (against her mom) for something very very silly Her Mistake: She didn't appreciate what he did for her, and she can't choose between her boyfriend and her mom My suggestion: Either: She should talk to her family on his behalf, explain that he was standing up for her, that she was also upset over the fact the comment about removing her glasses. And she should tell her boyfriend, that even though she appreciates what he did for her, but he should never reprimand, be rude or be defensive against her parents for something very silly that is directed to her. And he has to soothe things out with her mom (not apologize) after she speaks to her family. OR He should tell her go on her merry way. Why? Because the issue between the girlfriend and mom existed before even he came to the picture. Therefore, she should cut her baggage or she will just weigh him down in the future

allenjohn avatar
Allen John
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

His mistake was that he stood up for his girl (against her mom) for something very silly. Nobody is questioning her love for him. But guess what, she doesn't want to stand by him in this matter. Why? She has to choose between her family and her boyfriend. My suggestion: She should speak to her family on his behalf, tell them he was sticking up for her. At the same time, she should appreciate, but explain to the boy, that one does not disrespect or argue or reprimand her parents for something silly and he needs to soothe things out with her mom (not an apology, but maintain something like this won't be repeated for something silly) after she speaks to her parent. Or He should tell her to go on with her merry way.

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Donna Cheung
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I admire the OP's intention, and yes his GF probably is being emotionally abused or bullied by her parents and I feel bad for her. BUT, what is he doing is, in a way, bullying her to choose them or him as well, as he has made it very clear that he doesn't want to see her parents again.

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Alex Newell
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That there's a stepdad probably means someone else was already full of her c**p, and moved on.

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Maria Alexandra
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

MY mom is the sweetest person ever, but she tells me to take off my glasses too when she takes pictures. It's reaaaaally annoying!

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Carrie de Luka
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think parents sometimes want to see their child as they were when they were born - this idea of them being perfect and whole. It's a load of nonsense of course - we are who we are and if we need glasses to see or hearing aids to hear then parents need to accept that. Tell her how it makes you feel and she'll probably stop doing it - if she doesn't then she's not putting you first (and I'd challenge the 'sweetest person ever' label!).

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Ema LTD
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So he would rather be the reason for his gf to cut her relationship with her relatives, than let her take off her glasses for 2 seconds to humor her pretentios mom. Sounds stupid.

crazedophelia avatar
Liz Perry
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My partner's sister is the worst. Ive been with him for over four years now and living with him for three of them. Marriage isn't our thing, but I'm not planning on going anywhere. I adore his father and his mother is the sweetest women alive. After Easter brunch, his sister asks for a family portrait. When I get in it and smile she demanded that I move out of the way with the line. 'Only ACTUAL family'. This caused her son's girlfriend (who also wanted to get in the picture) to cry and me to just storm off and walk home. I've dated people for mere months and have been invited in family photos. This was insane to me. It wasn't like a professional photo shoot. We were taking a pic with a phone, for crying out loud. I would have loved if my partner stood up for me, but the whole family walks on eggshells for this women just to keep the peace. Her and I haven't spoken since. I His dad called me up later that day to check on me.

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John Montgomery
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I had the same thing happen when I went to my now wife's family reunion fairly early into the relationship, but in long enough to know there was a future. It was her sister who said it. My now wife insisted I be in I, and I believe her mom insisted as well. The sister was already married. In the biggest irony, hers was the marriage that didn't last. Is it bad that take a small bit of joy at that fact? I should add this sister also goes out of her way to make wife feel terrible on every time we have to see her.

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Jeff Requier
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"I mean its not like she has to even wear them for driving or reading, her eye sight isnt that bad"

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Nunya
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's a tough choice here. But, bear in mind, your decision to consider your GF as your partner suggests plans for long-term, perhaps permanent relationship. That being said, you need to also consider that you are marrying not just the GF but also the GF's family. That means you need to be able to either put aside your cultural differences and work within that family's culture to the extent that it does not break your own morality. And thus, we come back to your dilemma. If an admission is wrong (which I agree it is), then don't admit to wrong doing. But apologize anyway. Apologize for offending them. But do not apologize for what you did. If that is not sufficient for them and the GF cannot honor your own moral dilemma (remember, she is also marrying you and your traditions/cultural norms), then you may have consider that she is not the one for you...yet. Perhaps later on, when both of you are better able to compromise the cultural norms for your respective backgrounds.

ellebrace avatar
Elle Malkamäki
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Is it wrong that I assumed right away that this was a lesbian couple? I had to read it through a couple of times before I caught on they weren’t. Perhaps it’s on account of in my 36 years on this earth, and 8 years of marriage, I’m yet to have a man stand up for me against his b***h mother?

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Dilly Millandry
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It is different if it's the man's parents he is standing up to. This was her parents. If his parents were being rude then he absolutely should. Each person has their own unique relationship with their parents and it is up to them how they handle it - not up to their partner.

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Lauren Caswell
Community Member
4 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I like the 'zing the mother back' idea, but he said there are cultural differences regarding respect to elders/people who's home you are in, so in reality although a fun thought, not going to help it's just going to widen the gap and leave the gf in the middle. I'd try "I felt i needed to stand up for my gf, your daughter, and I still believe that is the right thing etc. But i realise you have different views. If what I said offended you, I'm sorry you feel that way." Perfectly diplomatic, without compromising as "I'm sorry you feel that way doesn't mean "I'm sorry about the course of action I took"

deb-lucas avatar
Dilly Millandry
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

No, he should apologise for interfering between daughter and parent. It clearly is a toxic relationship so he should be supportive and encouraging to his girlfriend in what she tolerates from her parents and maybe some distance from them is a good idea. Just because they are your parents doesn't mean you should tolerate how they treat you and you don't have to keep up a relationship if it is damaging. Not the boyfriend's place. Entirely up to the girlfriend whether she keeps on her glasses or not and whether or not she tells her parents no or not.

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Chabruce
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Hmmm, mom sounds like a piece of work. Tell your gf you dont want this to come between you, but you will apologize only when pigs fly and hell freezes over. Just my opinion

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Dave In MD
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What a world we live in. The girlfriend is weak. She is incapable of standing up to her controlling parents. Just because they are her parents does not give them the right to act as they do. He was right to step in as he did. If she chooses to give him an ultimatum instead of her parents he should move on. Being with some who it that weak but demands that you be weak with them is a bad relationship and he should take this for the warning that it is and walk away and not look back.

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Rosie Hamilton
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What a world we live in when some poor woman who has probably been downtrodden by her mother all her life gets castigated for not being able to stand up to her parents. If he loves her he should help her do that. Taking control isn't helping her - it's just another person controlling her.

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WillemPenn
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The only person anyone can change is themself. If I were this guy, I would look at what my part was. Why did I feel the need to fight my GF's battles? Did I think she wasn't strong enough to stand up for herself? Did I ask her beforehand if she wants me to intervene? Is this really respectful or am I just playing rescue ranger because it feeds my ego (hint: if I'm on the Internet seeking affirmation, it is probably about ego)? If I'm holding my ground and my GF wants me to give aren't I being just as controlling as her parents? In any event, it sounds like the typical "perpetrator-victim-rescuer" dysfunctional triangle. What am I willing to do to no longer play the rescuer in this system? Can I maintain healthy boundaries and be in relation with these people or do I need to move on?

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Pseudo Puppy
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

*exactly* what I was thinking. I believe in standing up for your partner - with their permission. Too often, I've had partners (or even strangers) try to step in to "protect me", when I was totally capable, and knew what decisions I was making, and knew the repercussions of my decisions. Someone then steps up, trying to "protect" me without my permission, and the idiot I'm dealing with, then gets their back up, loses their s**t, and makes *my* job of dealing with them even worse, with me then having to calm them *both* down. If there are assumptions being made, prior to the choice to intervene, it's more about the "rescuer" than it is about the one they're trying to "rescue".

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Pittsburgh rare
Community Member
4 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yeah, nice of him, but it's HER who have to defend herself. Encourage her to do so instead of confronting the parents.

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Diana Cartwright
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's great that you're such a big person who'll always confront your parents. But don't judge others in that respect. Not being able to do that can have many reasons which you're not ready to understand at once. Some times it will take someone that cares for you to break that cycle, and only then you can think about starting to do it for yourself.

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Leo Domitrix
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Or he could have just politely asked his girlfriend if she'd prefer her glasses on or off, and thus make her feel that he cares about her more than winning the pi**ing match with her dad?

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Carrie de Luka
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes. It gives her the power in that situation. All he did was try and wrestle control away from the parent which ultimately did no good at all. He's making it too much about him.

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Tenay Douglas
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It sounds like he got tired of his gf being treated like a family pet that her mother could dress anyway she wanted to. I'm 18 and have worn glasses since kindergarten and would be pretty offended if my family told me I had to take them off just to have a "nice picture". Her mom basically said she looks ugly with them on and her face is only acceptable for a photo without glasses

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SirWriteALot
Community Member
4 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Easy of us all to say to stick with it, but it will be weekends and holidays and family reuions and birthdays and babtism etc. that will be awkward. Apologize for your choice of words or your abrupt manner but explain that you care for their daughter and do not appreciate them putting her down. Maybe agree to disagree, but you will have to spend a lot of time with these folks if you're going to stay with your girlfriend so some kind of gesture will be needed. PS: You do not want to be responsible for your girlfriend breaking with her family. It will always be your fault.

phil-lucas avatar
Lucas
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

HIs 'sense of justice'. Right. Pride really. He called it wrong. He may want to protect his girlfriend but he made the wrong call as it is entirely up to his girlfriend whether she does as her parents ask or not. All this over 'glasses on or off'?? If she is 'devasted' about that she's being overly sensitive. Glasses help you see. They are a tool, not part of your face but it is up to HER and as she is asking him to apologise she clearly wants this over and done with and probably isn't on his side but doesn't know how to tell him as he's turned out to be just like her parents and is controlling. Run woman, run. How much does it really cost someone to make an apology, which would be a lie, just to keep the peace? Pride. He should swallow it and not make his girlfriends life worse.

davidmaisenhelder avatar
Dave In MD
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

No, her parents are saying take off the glasses because you don't look good with them. She wears them all day, not looking good in their eyes.

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Jessica
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Unfortunately the o/p has put his girlfriend in the difficult position. She did not want to have the drama that was created by you confronting her mother I would apologize so she doesn't need to feel like she's being forced to face them alone not see them again or end her relationship with you. Encourage her to stand up for herself and try to only meet in public places where they have to behave. It's not your job to fight her fights for her especially unsolicited.

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Carol Emory
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Here's what I want to tell your girlfriend..let the parents go. They are the ones in the wrong, not your boyfriend. And if they are going to make you choose, I'd go with the person that supports you, stands up for you and let's you be who you want to be..not what someone says you should be. My most cleansing moment in my life was the day I'd finally had enough and told my mother off to her face. When I pointed out how she had no right to nit-pick our lives because she was just as bad (yes..I listed all of her bad behavior) she lost it and started screaming at me. The thing is, she came back weeks later and apologized for her behavior. Did it change her..no. Do I communicate with her anymore? Not really. At some point you have to save yourself. Toxic people only mean to destroy you to make themselves look better. Don't let them do it.

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Heidi Geary
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The way I see it, if you give in to those sort of people, you are encouraging them that what they did is ok.

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Chris Jones
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They aren't going to change. Parents rarely change how they treat their adult offspring just because someone else stepped in. If she wants the relationship to change she needs to talk to them in a completely different setting and not when she's being challenged about glasses on or off for a photo. Few options for people with controlling parents - you can move a long way away, let it go over your head and do what you want or tackle them and hope it changes. If it doesn't then move on - nothing you can do. Some relationships are toxic and you can't change them.

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Batty
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Terrorists? How the hell is asking someone to remove their glasses an act I'd terrorism? I'm not defending the parents but he's overreacting by calling then terrorists. Frankly, everyone is overreacting in this situation.

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Scratch
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is what you call picking your battles? Fighting with your girlfriend's mother over glasses? lol.

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Lyn Arnold
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

“Focus on ensuring that she feels enough respect, attraction and love FOR YOU (emphasis mine) that her parent’s opinions become secondary. If a woman loves a man enough, she will try to be patient and work things out between her man and her parents,” he explained." "It’s on her now to find a man, have a family and live in the world of today." WHAT. Who is this clown? The goal is for young women to have the strength of their own self-esteem and confidence, and to not be swayed by ANYONE. So the love of a good man will save a woman? And what's this noise about going out and finding a man? Yeah that's definitely 'the world of today'. Sheesh.

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Kevin Donegan
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I would suggest you not apologize ... it will not be the last time this type of situation occurs. Be prepared to (1) be yourself and say what you normally would ... respectfully, or (2) keep your mouth shut when you're with her family. There are no other options.

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Daria B
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

His mind is in the right place, but he terribly lacks tactics. He did what he thought was right to protect his girlfriend, but he ended up actually hurting her. Since the events happened the way they did, at this point, for the sake of his girlfriend, he should, indeed, apologise, although his apology doesn't need to be an "I'm wrong - you're right" kind. This is his chance to prove that he's a level above and make a carefully worded apology whose ultimate message is something like "I hope we can both learn from this incident, since all we both want is the happiness of our *insert name*". Living by principles is good, but sometimes, to make desired outcomes, you need to bend in order not to break. And you can still do so according to your sense of justice. Anyway, change tactics. Instead of being direct, whenever her mother criticises her daughter's look, revert the conversation to the positive side and point out a beautiful detail about her. Or something like that anyway.

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Daniel Molitor
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You all are making this way to complicated its very simple if this little agruement bothers you this much most likely ya should break up she wont change and neither will you yours prideful and feel that when your right you shouldnt have to say sorry and she is passive and would prefer to not fight over something she feels is stupid your personalities dont match and will just lead to fighting over small things intill you break up anyway

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Zelda Blue
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I would explain to the girlfriend that you respect her too much to allow her mother or anyone disrespect her, for that reason alone you cannot apologize to her mother. Let her know that it is up to her if she wants to see her parents however you will not go along with her. Be sure to emphasize that you are not asking her to choose between you or them, that you will be there to help her decompress after her visits and will support her in whatever her decision is. You don't have to like her family, its her that you have the relationship with not them.

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deanna woods
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

At first, I was thinking that what he did was right, but after reading some of the comments I got a new perspective. If the girlfriend was really that upset about what her mother said, she should have said something. Also, like someone else said, glasses help you see, they are not who you are. I wear glasses too, but if I was asked to take them off for a photo, I would either say yes or say no. If the mom was persistent and she didn't want to take them off, she should have said something. I think people need to stay out of their partner's family affairs unless they are told to help. Hopefully, he will follow his girlfriend's wishes and keep the peace.

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Stille20
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He's so self-righteous he wanted to defend her, but won't respect her requests to apologize so she can have her boyfriend in her parents house.

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Hollie Newton
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ouch I know this situation our resolution is my parents respect my partner and my decision to be with him. They respect he isn't a social person. He however respects that despite the way they treat me they will always be my parents. I respect that he does not care for my parents in the slightest so try not to force the family together.

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nolls888
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This drama resulted out of making nothing into a big deal. It's pretty pathetic that the boyfriend gloats he was raised to 'pick his fights' be the bigger man etc. but really he insulted the partners parents out of stupid petty reason and now soured relationship. If the girl was upset, he didnt have to be a freaking white knight and be a sarcastic dbag with the parents of his gf. He could have went about it politely saying something like "She's beautiful with her glasses on, so let's quickly get that photo or we're going to be late(excuse to move things quicker)." Or even reassure your partner it's fine to take her glasses off during photos, not many people request it so it's fine if she does it once in awhile for her parents. You make her parents out to be these abusive monsters, when they scrutinize her dress up. People do that. A lot. Nothing new. Boyfriend needs to stop being a 𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘩𝘦!

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Elizabeth
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Tough situation that depends on how long he intends to stick around. If there are any possibilities that they will stay together long term or have kids he almost has to apologize or it's going to force even more uncomfort. Funny idea though: whenever the GF is forced by her mom to take her glasses off- she should cross her eyes. "Well Mom, I can't see without these so I don't know what's going on, I'm just trying to see you."

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TheKnightOwl
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Oof...I'm in two minds on this one. My first instinct was to side with him completely. My husband won't defend me when his family insults me (he doesn't join in either, but ignores it for fear of him being the target), and I dream of the day he speaks his mind...he tells me what he thinks, but won't tell them. However, this is different, it's HER family. I believe his heart is in the right place; it's honourable to be defensive of your gf when someone is insulting her, but this is a deep dynamic that he has only recently stepped into. Perhaps encouraging his girlfriend to build her self confidence, helping her realise her strengths would be best...whether she chooses to stand up for herself to her parents is her decision. Just be there for her.

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Alex Bailey
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sorry, not my business, but your husband not defending you when his family insults you is utterly wrong. I know he can probably do little to change their behaviour but he really should tell them, politely, that it isn't okay. I would say to my parents that if they can't be polite to my partner than we won't be able to visit. People do not need to have their parents in their life if they are awful people and you should come before them as he has chosen you as his life partner. This man has let his pride get in the way and I agree it isn't his job to defend his girlfriend against her parents and instead should help her develop skills to deal with them. Sadly, he just sounds like a man out of the same mould as her mother - controlling. Look how he is refusing to do something that would benefit her NOW, but was willing to stand up for her because HE didn't like it. He's making it about HIM in every instance.

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Daria Z
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

In my country, doing what this guy did is unthinkable. Unless the mother physically assaulted her, any interference from his part would be considered extremely rude. The only thing a guy could do in this situation is to say that he liked her that way and isn't she gorgeous as she is. The US culture is different from ours it seems.

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Chris Jones
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Both parent and boyfriend are controlling types and the girlfriend doesn't realise she's just picked someone like her mother. She needs someone to encourage her to stand up to her mother or to let it slide over her head. Only ways to deal with controlling parents of adult offspring. His pride getting in the way of her being happy - I'd be very worried in her shoes that he can't even make a pretend apology for my benefit. Who cares about his pride? Only him. Stubborn a**e doesn't want to admit he cocked up.

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tom oneill
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

F**k'em, their toxic so cut them off assuming you haven't already.

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lightbulb
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If anyone asked me to remove my glasses for a photo because "it'll look nicer" they're getting punched.

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John Carter
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They did him a favor and cut through months if not years of wasted time. Marrying her is marrying into their family. She's clearly either a thrall to her family or cut from the same abusive cloth. Cut your losses now or suffer neurotic lunacy until you walk all the way away.

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Roz Klaiman
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Oh, I so know that scene. I am now a woman in my 80s but I remember my mother demanding the same, every photo including graduation photos were without my glasses so I didn't look like myself who had worn glasses since I was 8 years old. My mother used to insist I take them off as soon as I got home from school, which meant not being able to see. Although he is correct he is NOT the right person to do that - his girlfriend has to learn to stand up for herself and insist or else her mother will forever rule her life. It took me years but I finally did and refused but first I had two photos made, one with and one without glasses for every occasion. I gave the ones without glasses to my mother, everyone else received the one that looked like me. Eventually my mother refused the one without glasses and said she wanted the other one - I was then in my late 20s. His girlfriend will never become an adult until she learns to take charge of herself.

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Amanda Douthitt
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

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Christopher Jones
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Obviously you didn't learn to pick your battles well... She asked to remove her coat and glasses, not pose for 3 hours without moving so she can paint a portrait.. Christ sakes..

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Chris Sprucefield
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Guess what.. and f you are from a different culture, living in a different country and culture, you are no longer at home, even in your home, when you interact with locals. They are the ones that has to adapt to local culture and acceptable moral behaviour, not the other way around. I am saying this as an immigrant in a foreign culture and country myself. You chose to go there, live with it, integrate, and people will accept, or....leave.

dotcartman_1 avatar
DotC
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When he said cultural, it made me curious. Is it about culture or is it because they are rich? I find that when someone thinks an immigrant culture moving to the US is rude, it is less about the culture and more that the immigrants were rich enough to move here and rich people in all cultures just suck. The reason my brain went here is because of how vain he said they were. Obviously, I could be wrong. The other thing that concerned me is some cultures, if the girl takes his side, will find a reason to commit violence against her for standing up or taking an outsider's, though he's her partner, side.

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Carol Roeder
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Stay true to your course. Your GF is in an awkward situation but she has to understand you took this stand for her. What her parents are doing is beyond childish. They will never change their ways and she deserves respect just like anyone else does. If it is really serious between you two, get your own place and tell her folks goodbye. You still have your family and each other, what more do you need? I'm pretty proud you took the stand you did! She should be too.

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Mimi M
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think it's weird to ask Dan Bacon for relationship and family advice.

marijadjuric avatar
Marija Djuric
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The only way to be the bigger person is to have compassion for the mom. She is clearly projecting her own self-esteem issues on her daughter. But she is just someone with self-esteem issues. Not a terrorist. Talk to them, discuss the situation, hear them out, and explain your side. But when you listen, and when you talk, do it with compassion for the woman who brought into the world and raised the woman you love.

cruzarts avatar
Steve Cruz
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

DON'T SCHOOL OTHER PEOPLES' PARENTS. "Thank you for having us, but we really have to move along. Take care! Bye!" and SCOOT. Be polite, not accusatory. Keep moving in one direction. AFTERWARD, discuss the situation with your partner and find out how they want it handled.

ash2lar avatar
Christine M Quigley
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is clearly a control situation. The parents are throwing their weight around, in front of the boyfriend, to let him know 'who's really in charge here.' It IS up to the GF to take the initiative here, if she really cares about the BF, and living her own life. This is an opportunity for her to stick up for herself, and get them to back down. Her parents may or may not accept her independence, but this has been a long standing situation, and she needs to decide if she wants her parents to run her life forever.

elifaksit avatar
elif
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

btw she looks really hot with those glasses. and also, i really like the discussion here, bp community comments are far better than the selected imgur comments.

dicartwright avatar
Diana Cartwright
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes and more yes. Damaging parents won't always be stopped by their kids, they need to be stopped by someone who cares about their kids. If these tow have kids, I'm sure they're going to raise them to never be ashamed of how they look.

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Just saying
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Thing is - if they end up having kids together, the gf's mum will do exactly the same to the grandkids. It's worth them knowing now that this man is not going to stand for that happening to his family.

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Chris Jones
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He's too controlling a person as well though - didn't ask what his girlfriend wanted just assumed.

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Tasha Tilbrook
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Lots of comments here hitting out at him saying he should ask her permission to intervene, but unless you've been in that kind of situation with parents you don't know what it's like. My mum can be very toxic and I was always happy when my hubby would step in because I didn't have the strength to after years of being conditioned to take that kind of thing. Thankfully my hubby did it in a much more subtle way and now things are better all around. Thinking of this as a parent too though, they should be happy that their daughter is with someone who is willing to step in when the need arises, he won't stand aside while she's being harassed. I'd want that for my daughter.

allenjohn avatar
Allen John
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

His Mistake: He stood up for her (against her mom) for something very very silly Her Mistake: She didn't appreciate what he did for her, and she can't choose between her boyfriend and her mom My suggestion: Either: She should talk to her family on his behalf, explain that he was standing up for her, that she was also upset over the fact the comment about removing her glasses. And she should tell her boyfriend, that even though she appreciates what he did for her, but he should never reprimand, be rude or be defensive against her parents for something very silly that is directed to her. And he has to soothe things out with her mom (not apologize) after she speaks to her family. OR He should tell her go on her merry way. Why? Because the issue between the girlfriend and mom existed before even he came to the picture. Therefore, she should cut her baggage or she will just weigh him down in the future

allenjohn avatar
Allen John
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

His mistake was that he stood up for his girl (against her mom) for something very silly. Nobody is questioning her love for him. But guess what, she doesn't want to stand by him in this matter. Why? She has to choose between her family and her boyfriend. My suggestion: She should speak to her family on his behalf, tell them he was sticking up for her. At the same time, she should appreciate, but explain to the boy, that one does not disrespect or argue or reprimand her parents for something silly and he needs to soothe things out with her mom (not an apology, but maintain something like this won't be repeated for something silly) after she speaks to her parent. Or He should tell her to go on with her merry way.

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Donna Cheung
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I admire the OP's intention, and yes his GF probably is being emotionally abused or bullied by her parents and I feel bad for her. BUT, what is he doing is, in a way, bullying her to choose them or him as well, as he has made it very clear that he doesn't want to see her parents again.

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Alex Newell
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That there's a stepdad probably means someone else was already full of her c**p, and moved on.

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Maria Alexandra
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

MY mom is the sweetest person ever, but she tells me to take off my glasses too when she takes pictures. It's reaaaaally annoying!

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Carrie de Luka
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think parents sometimes want to see their child as they were when they were born - this idea of them being perfect and whole. It's a load of nonsense of course - we are who we are and if we need glasses to see or hearing aids to hear then parents need to accept that. Tell her how it makes you feel and she'll probably stop doing it - if she doesn't then she's not putting you first (and I'd challenge the 'sweetest person ever' label!).

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Ema LTD
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So he would rather be the reason for his gf to cut her relationship with her relatives, than let her take off her glasses for 2 seconds to humor her pretentios mom. Sounds stupid.

crazedophelia avatar
Liz Perry
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My partner's sister is the worst. Ive been with him for over four years now and living with him for three of them. Marriage isn't our thing, but I'm not planning on going anywhere. I adore his father and his mother is the sweetest women alive. After Easter brunch, his sister asks for a family portrait. When I get in it and smile she demanded that I move out of the way with the line. 'Only ACTUAL family'. This caused her son's girlfriend (who also wanted to get in the picture) to cry and me to just storm off and walk home. I've dated people for mere months and have been invited in family photos. This was insane to me. It wasn't like a professional photo shoot. We were taking a pic with a phone, for crying out loud. I would have loved if my partner stood up for me, but the whole family walks on eggshells for this women just to keep the peace. Her and I haven't spoken since. I His dad called me up later that day to check on me.

johnlm1981 avatar
John Montgomery
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I had the same thing happen when I went to my now wife's family reunion fairly early into the relationship, but in long enough to know there was a future. It was her sister who said it. My now wife insisted I be in I, and I believe her mom insisted as well. The sister was already married. In the biggest irony, hers was the marriage that didn't last. Is it bad that take a small bit of joy at that fact? I should add this sister also goes out of her way to make wife feel terrible on every time we have to see her.

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Jeff Requier
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"I mean its not like she has to even wear them for driving or reading, her eye sight isnt that bad"

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Nunya
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's a tough choice here. But, bear in mind, your decision to consider your GF as your partner suggests plans for long-term, perhaps permanent relationship. That being said, you need to also consider that you are marrying not just the GF but also the GF's family. That means you need to be able to either put aside your cultural differences and work within that family's culture to the extent that it does not break your own morality. And thus, we come back to your dilemma. If an admission is wrong (which I agree it is), then don't admit to wrong doing. But apologize anyway. Apologize for offending them. But do not apologize for what you did. If that is not sufficient for them and the GF cannot honor your own moral dilemma (remember, she is also marrying you and your traditions/cultural norms), then you may have consider that she is not the one for you...yet. Perhaps later on, when both of you are better able to compromise the cultural norms for your respective backgrounds.

ellebrace avatar
Elle Malkamäki
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Is it wrong that I assumed right away that this was a lesbian couple? I had to read it through a couple of times before I caught on they weren’t. Perhaps it’s on account of in my 36 years on this earth, and 8 years of marriage, I’m yet to have a man stand up for me against his b***h mother?

deb-lucas avatar
Dilly Millandry
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It is different if it's the man's parents he is standing up to. This was her parents. If his parents were being rude then he absolutely should. Each person has their own unique relationship with their parents and it is up to them how they handle it - not up to their partner.

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Lauren Caswell
Community Member
4 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I like the 'zing the mother back' idea, but he said there are cultural differences regarding respect to elders/people who's home you are in, so in reality although a fun thought, not going to help it's just going to widen the gap and leave the gf in the middle. I'd try "I felt i needed to stand up for my gf, your daughter, and I still believe that is the right thing etc. But i realise you have different views. If what I said offended you, I'm sorry you feel that way." Perfectly diplomatic, without compromising as "I'm sorry you feel that way doesn't mean "I'm sorry about the course of action I took"

deb-lucas avatar
Dilly Millandry
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

No, he should apologise for interfering between daughter and parent. It clearly is a toxic relationship so he should be supportive and encouraging to his girlfriend in what she tolerates from her parents and maybe some distance from them is a good idea. Just because they are your parents doesn't mean you should tolerate how they treat you and you don't have to keep up a relationship if it is damaging. Not the boyfriend's place. Entirely up to the girlfriend whether she keeps on her glasses or not and whether or not she tells her parents no or not.

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Chabruce
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Hmmm, mom sounds like a piece of work. Tell your gf you dont want this to come between you, but you will apologize only when pigs fly and hell freezes over. Just my opinion

davidmaisenhelder avatar
Dave In MD
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What a world we live in. The girlfriend is weak. She is incapable of standing up to her controlling parents. Just because they are her parents does not give them the right to act as they do. He was right to step in as he did. If she chooses to give him an ultimatum instead of her parents he should move on. Being with some who it that weak but demands that you be weak with them is a bad relationship and he should take this for the warning that it is and walk away and not look back.

dizasterdeb avatar
Rosie Hamilton
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What a world we live in when some poor woman who has probably been downtrodden by her mother all her life gets castigated for not being able to stand up to her parents. If he loves her he should help her do that. Taking control isn't helping her - it's just another person controlling her.

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