“She Sent Me A Spreadsheet Of Chores”: Guy Bans Brother’s Annoying Girlfriend From Family Celebration
Planning family get-togethers is almost always a challenge. You’re responsible for all the food, organizing things well, and making sure that everyone’s happy. It’s exhausting, to say the least. But things get extra spicy when one of your relatives’ significant others tries to control every aspect of the event you’re throwing. Some even go as far as sending the host spreadsheets of the chores and landscaping that they should do before Easter.
That’s exactly what happened to redditor u/Due-Reality9102. He spilled the beans about his brother Tom’s unemployed girlfriend Harper. She believes that she’s the ‘perfect’ housewife and spends most of her time planning the entire family’s events…. some would say to an obnoxiously obsessive degree.
Eventually, the redditor had had enough of Harper’s ‘subtle’ suggestions on how he should spend his money, and decided to take a drastic step. A step that made a large part of his family mad and even made him turn to the AITA online community for a verdict on whether or not he was the jerk in this situation. Scroll down for the full story in the redditor’s own words.
Some people have no boundaries at all and think that their point of the view is the only one that matters
Image credits: Ivan Samkov (not the actual photo)
A guy shared how he finally had to put his foot down to stop his brother’s unemployed girlfriend from butting into his Easter celebration prep
Image credits: Michael Burrows (not the actual photo)
The OP later revealed a lot more juicy information about his brother and Harper, the girlfriend
The redditor was very candid about both Harper and his own brother’s flaws. He didn’t sugarcoat things and straight-up pointed out where there’s some [cough] room for improvement.
And it looked like the AITA community appreciated the honesty. The vast majority of redditors thought that the OP definitely wasn’t a jerk for telling Harper she, and all of her costly party suggestions, weren’t welcome. We’ve got to have some boundaries, people!
Speaking of boundaries, relationship expert Alex Scot explained to Bored Panda during an earlier chat that they are vital in any relationship if we want it to flourish. Boundaries help prevent resentment and anger from building up and help maintain healthy expectations. Just because someone’s a family member or close to the family doesn’t mean that they have the freedom to do anything that they like.
“Without them [boundaries], we live our lives at the expense of ourselves. The mindset for many when it comes to setting boundaries is that they feel selfish, or that they aren’t being a good partner when they implement them, so they avoid doing it altogether,” the expert told Bored Panda.
“This only causes resentment to build and overwhelm to set in both within the individual and the relationship as a whole. Boundaries are there for us to be able to take care of and to protect ourselves so that we can show up and operate within our lives as successfully as possible.”
She added that boundaries are needed in all relationships, whether romantic, familial, or professional. However, the closer the person is to us, the more flexible these boundaries ought to be. At the end of the day, we should be willing to find a compromise when we’re dealing with those we love the most. On the flip side, the less emotionally involved you are with someone, the stricter the boundaries should be.
Here’s how some people reacted to the family drama
514Kviews
Share on Facebook
I can't tell if she's acting entitled by trying to insert herself into everything, or if she just wants the family to *like* her... which kinda makes me feel bad for her, as her attempts to win them over are only driving her farther outside the family clique. The spreadsheets are obviously super annoying, but it seems like that's the only way she knows how to contribute.
That's what I thought too. I feel kinda sorry for her. But then again, if she is so fond of spreadsheets, she could always get a job and a life. That would be better for her.
Load More Replies...
No-one's gonna mention how Harper is probably aware of how her boyfriend, the brother, treats her and is overcompensating because of it? Her behaviour is incredibly entitled, but if you're being strung along by your partner and apparently have self-esteem issues, then I'm not surprised some funky behaviour is the product. Harper is being treated like an expendable product by everyone, including her own boyfriend. I'd be messed up as well. That said, she needs some help for her behaviour because it's toxic AF.
Or else she's being treated like that because of her behavior... Some people are just controlling and want things done a certain way.
Load More Replies...
I don't think the family is horrible at all. Everyone seemed to get along just fine until Harper decided to stick her nose in. The OP's brother needs to be pushed up against a brick wall and told to either get rid of her or marry her and move to another state.
Load More Replies...
The way I see it, the a-hole in all of this is the brother. He is using this poor woman because she treats him so well and has no interest in a real commitment. The spreadsheet thing is a little over the top, but she probably thinks that if she plans all of these events and they are successful that the brother will make their relationship permanent. This poor girl has self-esteem issues and needs help not insults.
Yes she needs help, but it's not up to OP's family to provide it.
Load More Replies... NTA, but the brother is, stringing her along like that. I actually feel sorry for that poor girl. I feel that she maybe does this because she really wants to be of the family.
She is so determined to NOT work that she allowed them to get so deeply in debt, that they had to move in with his parents! Who does that?
Load More Replies...
To play devil's advocate, she's been with the brother for 4 years and I think if I were with someone that long, I would not want to be treated as any other plus one. It's not her fault that the brother is a jerk and is leading her on. It's a bit mean-spirited. That being said, she's a weirdo and it's totally inappropriate of her to push herself on people like this. Someone needs to pull her aside and tell her straight out that it is not her place to decide how someone wants to host their own party on their own property. Imagine if it was her own gathering how she would feel with people sending her spreadsheets on how she should behave and purport herself? She'd probably be livid at the audacity! The fact that she doesn't work and all this other stuff is, quite honestly, no one else's business because it seems to be okay with the brother. It's his own fault if he allows that! You have a job or you don't live with me, that's it.
It's causing a lot of stress for OP's mother. She doesn't like the girl, and it was dad who offered them a place to mooch off them. I would have a talk with dad and find out why he's so spineless that he can't get his son to work himself out of debt and move out of the house!
Load More Replies...
NTA-she really needs to get a job as an event or wedding planner, then maybe they could move out of your parents house. You're parents need to give them a deadline to move out. Parents aren't helping them live a normal life. They aren't going to be there forever. Brother and anyone else who thinks you're an AH are wrong. That woman is out of control!
Also, brother is the AH. Part of why she tries so hard is because she's longing for acceptance in the family. He needs to be straight with her that he's never going to marry her.
Load More Replies...
I am so sorry for this girl. She does everything for her a hole bf, who doesn't have the guts to just end the relationship. It's wrong to meddle in family stuff, make them spend more money etc If all of them told her "hey thanks for the imput, but we are not going with it & hey you are really good at this, maybe try do this for money" it would be a push in the right direction.
Sounds like they have told her that often but she still pushes.
Load More Replies...
Regardless of what she is, that is a horrible behaviour towards her. Al least you could be kind. If you don't like spreadsheets, tell it nicely, also the brother's relationship will run its course, but it is not fair to be horrible. I don't think anyone would like to be treated like that.
He said they've already told her to stop and she ignored it. Can't fix desperate. She's hoping to win them over so they'll talk BF into marrying her but it's backfiring and she's being obstinate.
Load More Replies...
I hope this girl is going to realize that she has wasted enough time with the brother. Catering to his every whimsical need,or want. An this guy's brother is a turd,and it sounds like he's taking advantage of his gf. Perhaps instead of offering spreadsheets; maybe she could just offer to help out. I think that would go much better with the family, but I really hope she figures out what a standstill her life is right now. I also don't really think the annoyed brother is t a$$. But I do think it could have been handled better,but if I had to deal with this for four years would I have done any better??
If Harper has indeed ignored multiple "no thank yous" and "please don't" then OP was right to escallate the message and reinforce the boundary. It wouldn't have had such a harsh message if she had respected the boundary when it was first set down.
This poor girl. She's imagining herself as a housewife with her own household to run. Like a matriarch. But it's not her house, these aren't her children, or even her siblings. She's grossly overstepping her bounds. She needs to start her own family, have her own household, and then she can start delegating chores. I wonder where her family is. Either way, she's not worked up in the ranks enough for this sort of behavior.
I dunno - as much as this behaviour sounds irritating as hell I kinda feel sorry for her. Where's her family? Where's her friends? I get the feeling she desperately wants to make herself important to someone, anyone, and be part of something. She's going about it totally wrong, but, yeah, I pity her to be honest
I think I understand where Harper is coming from. She's doing all this pointless organization and controlling people because she's not feeling like she is in control of her own life and everything is in chaos. The way she's going about it is a bit extreme. almost narcissistic. In fact, it's heavily leaning towards grandiose narcissistic. There's no fixing this. Perhaps she could utilize her annoying hobby and become a party planner.
That poor girl. She’s living under the delusion that t he’s serious about her and that she’s part of a family. She’s wasting her time and energy on this guy who strings her along because she “does everything for him”, when he doesn’t love her or want her. He wants a maid or a mommy and he’s just using her. One day she’ll wake up and realize how much of her life she wasted on him. She has a talent and interest in event planning and could be making a career out of that. Hopefully she’ll get out before it’s too late.
She is delusional. She thinks everyone wants her, but she freely admits neither she nor the true Ahole in this want to be married. She needs a guiding hand such as only a mother can do. Call off the dogs and send her home to momma (who may be no better than her own daughter imo) to get some mental health treatment to help her move on to someone who may truly care and want her.
Load More Replies...
This is my SIL to a tea. Constantly "taking control" of family stuff and creating these ridiculous events that don't need to be events. She is always blowing a ton of money and expecting to be reimbursed for things we never agree to or have prior knowledge of. We all have "jobs" and when crunch time comes she sits back while everyone else does the leg work because she figures since she did all the planning she is off the hook to help during the party.
I have family members I wouldn't let help plan any event I would be hosting, a girlfriend of one of them certainly wouldn't be allowed to take it over and make it "her" event. I agree with everybody who says that she needs a job and a life and to stop forcing herself in the middle of something that isn't hers to plan. It's pushy and obnoxious and obviously isn't endearing herself to other family members. And if the OP makes a spreadsheet she should make Miss Girlfriend be in charge of doing all the really nasty chores....including ALL the cleanup.
I think this woman might need help. I mean, serious, professional help. Also, the brother needs a talking to since he seems to put absolutely everybody in shitty positions by stringing a person along only to, as it sounds, get his ego stroked. Maybe not ok to do to anyone involved in this. But I’m just a total stranger reading stuff on internet.
If you ask me, this girl sounds like the only normal person in this circus. She can get a job and get the hell out of there as soon as possible. She has everyone against her. It’s a pretty sad situation for her. I’m not saying she has no fault in this at all, but it seems like she has self-esteem issues that are preventing her from leaving. And I think the boyfriend’s brother is just as bad as the boyfriend. Congratulations for shaming her, dude. Not cool at all. There are many other ways to solve this. One would be to actually help her leave that circus you call a family.
Why should they have to deal with it all? It's up to OP's brother to sort it out, not the rest of the family.
Load More Replies...
Wow, what a jerk Harper is. To insinuate that you will do all of these things in your house. Frankly, if you are really in upset with her stop inviting her all together and fr now on if you host an event she is not welcome Also, invite the others significant others. Maybe then she will see all of these years doing this will definitely not fly anymore Also, tell her that she is not an in-law and if she continues to call herself that tell her she needs to actually have a ring on her finger to do so. Your brother needs to grow a freaking spine and tell his gf that she is not allowed to pull that crap anymore bc she is not a sil. She's a girlfriend that he sees no future with. She does cater to your brother bc she knows that she isn't family and she is hoping to be family. Definitely NTA and tell both your brother and Harper to wake up. She pulls it again, she pays for everything herself, no brother included.
Sounds like a toxic mix of different types of narcissism from some of these people! Stay away from that as much as you can. I understand that your wife doesn't want you to be mean to her, but you have to be firm or this girl will continue to walk all over you.
What's her family life like? Are they in her life? She seems like she just really wants a family. However, kids party. No kid(s) no invite.
This is what my sister in-law did! I can't stand her and figured her out a couple months after meeting her. My sister lives on the other side of the country so she's safe, but I had to play nice while this intruder told me to not get in the way of her relationship with MY MOTHER. I told her to cool down after she got heated about something stupid so she decided to convince my brother to f**k me over again and again. I have stories and receipts, but my brother doesn't talk to me anymore because of her. It's a blessing really, but she would be dismissive and unappreciative of any gifts I gave her for her birthday or Christmas. I didn't even want to buy her anything but I didn't want her and her son to feel left out after moving themselves into my brother's house after dating for only three months. I could go on but now I need aggressive coffee because I'm feeling triggered.
He is trying way to hard in his follow ups, admits he is rude. Before he says they been together for years and made it sound like they just don't believe in marriage...sounds like she and his brother are a long term couple and all this ah does is put them down and make them feel uncomfortable. He does sound like an ah to me, her actions while annoying are jot vindictive or purposefully mean, his are and he seems to be rude all the time. I doubt the things he said later, guy sound like an ah.
😂 Another harper definition “ to dwell on or recur to a subject tiresomely or monotonously —usually used with on”
My SO's brother sent us an itinerary for the week they would be visiting our city and state. We are not that organized and cannot follow his schedule and dietary needs etc. plus we had new puppies. It wouldn't have worked for us. They visited but got other accommodations. It felt like Harper was visiting with the brother and kids. It was very odd. Even SO agreed it was wild.
NTA. Harper sounds like a piece of work! She really needs to find another dude on whom she can mooch off of! You weren't being rude, you were just trying to establish boundaries that have set before her in the past and continued to ignore because she does not care. Your brother, dad and wife are idiots however. What the eff is wrong with them?
I feel sorry for her. She seems to be trying really hard to be in denial. Btw, You're NTA.
🤣🤣 this was pretty hilarious and entertaining. Thank you for writing. Bet brother ends up marrying her! I wish somebody would make a movie out of this!
Speaking as someone who loves spreadsheets and lists. You don't send them to OTHER PEOPLE.
Sounds as though she'd be an excellent events/activities coordinator. I did that until recently and am always too knackered to try and organise anything I'm not getting paid for...
I spent 30 years married to my now deceased wonderful husband. 3 step daughters. I tried to just be a friend, they had a mother. I didn't push anything. Now that their Dad is gone, they hate me because I "didn't try hard enough". Sometimes you can't win and some families will always consider the "newby" an interloper. I say don't waste your time and effort.
WOW!!!! SHE IS OBSESSED HIGH MAINTENANCE AND SOOOO CONTROLLING I DONT KNOW HOW YOU LASTED SO LONG SHES SO DESPERATE TO BE ACCEPTED AS A FAMILY MEMBER YOUR BROTHER SHOULD NEVER HAVE MOVED HER INTO YOUR PARENTS HOME ESPECIALLY IF SHES JUST ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND AND HE IS NOT COMMITED TO HER THINK ITS TIME FOR HIM TO MOVE OUT AND TAKE HER WITH HIM YOUR MOTHER WIFE AND SISTERS HAVE THE PATIENCE OF SAINTS I COULD NOT STOOD FOR IT
Turn off your caps lock. It looks like you're yelling at everyone.
Load More Replies... I actually think YTA, but with the caveat that everyone else is also an AH, and that even though what Op did was a-holeish, it was excuseable. What you did, I mean, come on, yes, that was incredibly rude, but sometimes that's what it takes with some people. In this instance, being the AH was probably the correct choice.
Seems to me like Harper is doing her best to belong to the family, but goes too far. Her boyfriend is the a*****e. Of course she would assume it is a stable relationship at that point and that she belongs to the family. The family aren't very nice people overall. We don't know why she isn't working. Maybe she is depressed from being with her a*****e boyfriend. He uses her, of course she would have self esteem problems since she's still there. Or she might really oblivious to the fact and just trying harder when they push her away.
10000 IQ play: convince your parents and the rest of the family to treat her as family and shun your brother and the brother will either man up and commit or dump her when he thinks his family is choosing her over him. Either way she not your problem and your NTA if she has time to plan chores for parties she can dam well do them.
Harper just sounds clueless and desperate, not malicious or controlling. It doesn't sound like she tries to butt in on any other business-- she just has a fixation on events. It's definitely a problem and she needs to learn to take "no" for an answer. I don't understand why the family doesn't just say "you can come, but your planning is not welcome and nobody will participate in doing any tasks or look at your spreadsheets. We set boundaries and you need to respect them." Like, what is the family doing most of the time she assigns all these tasks? Are some people doing them? Just don't. Just ignore the spreadsheets, thank her for wanting to help but say she needs to respect their wishes. It's obvious she believes that if she becomes a part of her bf's life and family, she'll stop being "just another girlfriend" and get proposal. The more the brother insists she's temporary, the harder she'll fight to keep him. This situation is just sad all around. ESH.
Ok im on the fence on this one. To start she needs to learn no means no and to accept that. However i do feel bad for the girl. Shes being lead on and clearly wants something the AHole bro doesnt....and she seems to be in denial over it. Sounds like shes hoping to win you all over and have you guys convince he bf to marry her.... My advice? Sit her down n tell her shes being strung along n he bf has 0 intent on marrying her. As annoying as she sounds also sounds like she needs some kindness and care here. ❤ Also maybe a word with this bf ass about treating what seems like a sweet gal so poorly.... Last note: as annoying as the spreadsheets may seem she alao seems pretty smart and organized if she worked with you (rather than "for" you) she could make a KILLING job as a party planner (hell encourage her to start her own business as one?)
Married or not, four years is long enough to be considered family, no?
Depending upon where they live, the brother and Harper would be considered in a legally binding defacto relationship if they have been living more than a couple of years together. Especially if he is providing any financial support. They may not like it but she is family.
Please read the post again. They have told her multiple times to STOP and have been firm about it. She chooses to ignore their discomfort and boundaries. OP even says mom threatened to kick her out if she continued to set up budgets for them. She does not listen, because she does not care.
Load More Replies...
I can't tell if she's acting entitled by trying to insert herself into everything, or if she just wants the family to *like* her... which kinda makes me feel bad for her, as her attempts to win them over are only driving her farther outside the family clique. The spreadsheets are obviously super annoying, but it seems like that's the only way she knows how to contribute.
That's what I thought too. I feel kinda sorry for her. But then again, if she is so fond of spreadsheets, she could always get a job and a life. That would be better for her.
Load More Replies... No-one's gonna mention how Harper is probably aware of how her boyfriend, the brother, treats her and is overcompensating because of it? Her behaviour is incredibly entitled, but if you're being strung along by your partner and apparently have self-esteem issues, then I'm not surprised some funky behaviour is the product. Harper is being treated like an expendable product by everyone, including her own boyfriend. I'd be messed up as well. That said, she needs some help for her behaviour because it's toxic AF.
Or else she's being treated like that because of her behavior... Some people are just controlling and want things done a certain way.
Load More Replies... I don't think the family is horrible at all. Everyone seemed to get along just fine until Harper decided to stick her nose in. The OP's brother needs to be pushed up against a brick wall and told to either get rid of her or marry her and move to another state.
Load More Replies... The way I see it, the a-hole in all of this is the brother. He is using this poor woman because she treats him so well and has no interest in a real commitment. The spreadsheet thing is a little over the top, but she probably thinks that if she plans all of these events and they are successful that the brother will make their relationship permanent. This poor girl has self-esteem issues and needs help not insults.
Yes she needs help, but it's not up to OP's family to provide it.
Load More Replies... NTA, but the brother is, stringing her along like that. I actually feel sorry for that poor girl. I feel that she maybe does this because she really wants to be of the family.
She is so determined to NOT work that she allowed them to get so deeply in debt, that they had to move in with his parents! Who does that?
Load More Replies... To play devil's advocate, she's been with the brother for 4 years and I think if I were with someone that long, I would not want to be treated as any other plus one. It's not her fault that the brother is a jerk and is leading her on. It's a bit mean-spirited. That being said, she's a weirdo and it's totally inappropriate of her to push herself on people like this. Someone needs to pull her aside and tell her straight out that it is not her place to decide how someone wants to host their own party on their own property. Imagine if it was her own gathering how she would feel with people sending her spreadsheets on how she should behave and purport herself? She'd probably be livid at the audacity! The fact that she doesn't work and all this other stuff is, quite honestly, no one else's business because it seems to be okay with the brother. It's his own fault if he allows that! You have a job or you don't live with me, that's it.
It's causing a lot of stress for OP's mother. She doesn't like the girl, and it was dad who offered them a place to mooch off them. I would have a talk with dad and find out why he's so spineless that he can't get his son to work himself out of debt and move out of the house!
Load More Replies... NTA-she really needs to get a job as an event or wedding planner, then maybe they could move out of your parents house. You're parents need to give them a deadline to move out. Parents aren't helping them live a normal life. They aren't going to be there forever. Brother and anyone else who thinks you're an AH are wrong. That woman is out of control!
Also, brother is the AH. Part of why she tries so hard is because she's longing for acceptance in the family. He needs to be straight with her that he's never going to marry her.
Load More Replies... I am so sorry for this girl. She does everything for her a hole bf, who doesn't have the guts to just end the relationship. It's wrong to meddle in family stuff, make them spend more money etc If all of them told her "hey thanks for the imput, but we are not going with it & hey you are really good at this, maybe try do this for money" it would be a push in the right direction.
Sounds like they have told her that often but she still pushes.
Load More Replies... Regardless of what she is, that is a horrible behaviour towards her. Al least you could be kind. If you don't like spreadsheets, tell it nicely, also the brother's relationship will run its course, but it is not fair to be horrible. I don't think anyone would like to be treated like that.
He said they've already told her to stop and she ignored it. Can't fix desperate. She's hoping to win them over so they'll talk BF into marrying her but it's backfiring and she's being obstinate.
Load More Replies... I hope this girl is going to realize that she has wasted enough time with the brother. Catering to his every whimsical need,or want. An this guy's brother is a turd,and it sounds like he's taking advantage of his gf. Perhaps instead of offering spreadsheets; maybe she could just offer to help out. I think that would go much better with the family, but I really hope she figures out what a standstill her life is right now. I also don't really think the annoyed brother is t a$$. But I do think it could have been handled better,but if I had to deal with this for four years would I have done any better??
If Harper has indeed ignored multiple "no thank yous" and "please don't" then OP was right to escallate the message and reinforce the boundary. It wouldn't have had such a harsh message if she had respected the boundary when it was first set down.
This poor girl. She's imagining herself as a housewife with her own household to run. Like a matriarch. But it's not her house, these aren't her children, or even her siblings. She's grossly overstepping her bounds. She needs to start her own family, have her own household, and then she can start delegating chores. I wonder where her family is. Either way, she's not worked up in the ranks enough for this sort of behavior.
I dunno - as much as this behaviour sounds irritating as hell I kinda feel sorry for her. Where's her family? Where's her friends? I get the feeling she desperately wants to make herself important to someone, anyone, and be part of something. She's going about it totally wrong, but, yeah, I pity her to be honest
I think I understand where Harper is coming from. She's doing all this pointless organization and controlling people because she's not feeling like she is in control of her own life and everything is in chaos. The way she's going about it is a bit extreme. almost narcissistic. In fact, it's heavily leaning towards grandiose narcissistic. There's no fixing this. Perhaps she could utilize her annoying hobby and become a party planner.
That poor girl. She’s living under the delusion that t he’s serious about her and that she’s part of a family. She’s wasting her time and energy on this guy who strings her along because she “does everything for him”, when he doesn’t love her or want her. He wants a maid or a mommy and he’s just using her. One day she’ll wake up and realize how much of her life she wasted on him. She has a talent and interest in event planning and could be making a career out of that. Hopefully she’ll get out before it’s too late.
She is delusional. She thinks everyone wants her, but she freely admits neither she nor the true Ahole in this want to be married. She needs a guiding hand such as only a mother can do. Call off the dogs and send her home to momma (who may be no better than her own daughter imo) to get some mental health treatment to help her move on to someone who may truly care and want her.
Load More Replies... This is my SIL to a tea. Constantly "taking control" of family stuff and creating these ridiculous events that don't need to be events. She is always blowing a ton of money and expecting to be reimbursed for things we never agree to or have prior knowledge of. We all have "jobs" and when crunch time comes she sits back while everyone else does the leg work because she figures since she did all the planning she is off the hook to help during the party.
I have family members I wouldn't let help plan any event I would be hosting, a girlfriend of one of them certainly wouldn't be allowed to take it over and make it "her" event. I agree with everybody who says that she needs a job and a life and to stop forcing herself in the middle of something that isn't hers to plan. It's pushy and obnoxious and obviously isn't endearing herself to other family members. And if the OP makes a spreadsheet she should make Miss Girlfriend be in charge of doing all the really nasty chores....including ALL the cleanup.
I think this woman might need help. I mean, serious, professional help. Also, the brother needs a talking to since he seems to put absolutely everybody in shitty positions by stringing a person along only to, as it sounds, get his ego stroked. Maybe not ok to do to anyone involved in this. But I’m just a total stranger reading stuff on internet.
If you ask me, this girl sounds like the only normal person in this circus. She can get a job and get the hell out of there as soon as possible. She has everyone against her. It’s a pretty sad situation for her. I’m not saying she has no fault in this at all, but it seems like she has self-esteem issues that are preventing her from leaving. And I think the boyfriend’s brother is just as bad as the boyfriend. Congratulations for shaming her, dude. Not cool at all. There are many other ways to solve this. One would be to actually help her leave that circus you call a family.
Why should they have to deal with it all? It's up to OP's brother to sort it out, not the rest of the family.
Load More Replies... Wow, what a jerk Harper is. To insinuate that you will do all of these things in your house. Frankly, if you are really in upset with her stop inviting her all together and fr now on if you host an event she is not welcome Also, invite the others significant others. Maybe then she will see all of these years doing this will definitely not fly anymore Also, tell her that she is not an in-law and if she continues to call herself that tell her she needs to actually have a ring on her finger to do so. Your brother needs to grow a freaking spine and tell his gf that she is not allowed to pull that crap anymore bc she is not a sil. She's a girlfriend that he sees no future with. She does cater to your brother bc she knows that she isn't family and she is hoping to be family. Definitely NTA and tell both your brother and Harper to wake up. She pulls it again, she pays for everything herself, no brother included.
Sounds like a toxic mix of different types of narcissism from some of these people! Stay away from that as much as you can. I understand that your wife doesn't want you to be mean to her, but you have to be firm or this girl will continue to walk all over you.
What's her family life like? Are they in her life? She seems like she just really wants a family. However, kids party. No kid(s) no invite.
This is what my sister in-law did! I can't stand her and figured her out a couple months after meeting her. My sister lives on the other side of the country so she's safe, but I had to play nice while this intruder told me to not get in the way of her relationship with MY MOTHER. I told her to cool down after she got heated about something stupid so she decided to convince my brother to f**k me over again and again. I have stories and receipts, but my brother doesn't talk to me anymore because of her. It's a blessing really, but she would be dismissive and unappreciative of any gifts I gave her for her birthday or Christmas. I didn't even want to buy her anything but I didn't want her and her son to feel left out after moving themselves into my brother's house after dating for only three months. I could go on but now I need aggressive coffee because I'm feeling triggered.
He is trying way to hard in his follow ups, admits he is rude. Before he says they been together for years and made it sound like they just don't believe in marriage...sounds like she and his brother are a long term couple and all this ah does is put them down and make them feel uncomfortable. He does sound like an ah to me, her actions while annoying are jot vindictive or purposefully mean, his are and he seems to be rude all the time. I doubt the things he said later, guy sound like an ah.
😂 Another harper definition “ to dwell on or recur to a subject tiresomely or monotonously —usually used with on”
My SO's brother sent us an itinerary for the week they would be visiting our city and state. We are not that organized and cannot follow his schedule and dietary needs etc. plus we had new puppies. It wouldn't have worked for us. They visited but got other accommodations. It felt like Harper was visiting with the brother and kids. It was very odd. Even SO agreed it was wild.
NTA. Harper sounds like a piece of work! She really needs to find another dude on whom she can mooch off of! You weren't being rude, you were just trying to establish boundaries that have set before her in the past and continued to ignore because she does not care. Your brother, dad and wife are idiots however. What the eff is wrong with them?
I feel sorry for her. She seems to be trying really hard to be in denial. Btw, You're NTA.
🤣🤣 this was pretty hilarious and entertaining. Thank you for writing. Bet brother ends up marrying her! I wish somebody would make a movie out of this!
Speaking as someone who loves spreadsheets and lists. You don't send them to OTHER PEOPLE.
Sounds as though she'd be an excellent events/activities coordinator. I did that until recently and am always too knackered to try and organise anything I'm not getting paid for...
I spent 30 years married to my now deceased wonderful husband. 3 step daughters. I tried to just be a friend, they had a mother. I didn't push anything. Now that their Dad is gone, they hate me because I "didn't try hard enough". Sometimes you can't win and some families will always consider the "newby" an interloper. I say don't waste your time and effort.
WOW!!!! SHE IS OBSESSED HIGH MAINTENANCE AND SOOOO CONTROLLING I DONT KNOW HOW YOU LASTED SO LONG SHES SO DESPERATE TO BE ACCEPTED AS A FAMILY MEMBER YOUR BROTHER SHOULD NEVER HAVE MOVED HER INTO YOUR PARENTS HOME ESPECIALLY IF SHES JUST ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND AND HE IS NOT COMMITED TO HER THINK ITS TIME FOR HIM TO MOVE OUT AND TAKE HER WITH HIM YOUR MOTHER WIFE AND SISTERS HAVE THE PATIENCE OF SAINTS I COULD NOT STOOD FOR IT
Turn off your caps lock. It looks like you're yelling at everyone.
Load More Replies... I actually think YTA, but with the caveat that everyone else is also an AH, and that even though what Op did was a-holeish, it was excuseable. What you did, I mean, come on, yes, that was incredibly rude, but sometimes that's what it takes with some people. In this instance, being the AH was probably the correct choice.
Seems to me like Harper is doing her best to belong to the family, but goes too far. Her boyfriend is the a*****e. Of course she would assume it is a stable relationship at that point and that she belongs to the family. The family aren't very nice people overall. We don't know why she isn't working. Maybe she is depressed from being with her a*****e boyfriend. He uses her, of course she would have self esteem problems since she's still there. Or she might really oblivious to the fact and just trying harder when they push her away.
10000 IQ play: convince your parents and the rest of the family to treat her as family and shun your brother and the brother will either man up and commit or dump her when he thinks his family is choosing her over him. Either way she not your problem and your NTA if she has time to plan chores for parties she can dam well do them.
Harper just sounds clueless and desperate, not malicious or controlling. It doesn't sound like she tries to butt in on any other business-- she just has a fixation on events. It's definitely a problem and she needs to learn to take "no" for an answer. I don't understand why the family doesn't just say "you can come, but your planning is not welcome and nobody will participate in doing any tasks or look at your spreadsheets. We set boundaries and you need to respect them." Like, what is the family doing most of the time she assigns all these tasks? Are some people doing them? Just don't. Just ignore the spreadsheets, thank her for wanting to help but say she needs to respect their wishes. It's obvious she believes that if she becomes a part of her bf's life and family, she'll stop being "just another girlfriend" and get proposal. The more the brother insists she's temporary, the harder she'll fight to keep him. This situation is just sad all around. ESH.
Ok im on the fence on this one. To start she needs to learn no means no and to accept that. However i do feel bad for the girl. Shes being lead on and clearly wants something the AHole bro doesnt....and she seems to be in denial over it. Sounds like shes hoping to win you all over and have you guys convince he bf to marry her.... My advice? Sit her down n tell her shes being strung along n he bf has 0 intent on marrying her. As annoying as she sounds also sounds like she needs some kindness and care here. ❤ Also maybe a word with this bf ass about treating what seems like a sweet gal so poorly.... Last note: as annoying as the spreadsheets may seem she alao seems pretty smart and organized if she worked with you (rather than "for" you) she could make a KILLING job as a party planner (hell encourage her to start her own business as one?)
Married or not, four years is long enough to be considered family, no?
Depending upon where they live, the brother and Harper would be considered in a legally binding defacto relationship if they have been living more than a couple of years together. Especially if he is providing any financial support. They may not like it but she is family.
Please read the post again. They have told her multiple times to STOP and have been firm about it. She chooses to ignore their discomfort and boundaries. OP even says mom threatened to kick her out if she continued to set up budgets for them. She does not listen, because she does not care.
Load More Replies... 
105
98