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11 Funny Reasons Why The New Yorker Should Hire This 9-Year-Old Girl To Write All Their Cartoon Captions
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11 Funny Reasons Why The New Yorker Should Hire This 9-Year-Old Girl To Write All Their Cartoon Captions

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Bess Kalb is an Emmy-nominated writer for Jimmy Kimmel Live, so she knows good creative writing when she sees it. And it looks like the knack for putting words together runs in her family. Recently, Bess tweeted a series of captions her cousin’s 9-year-old daughter wrote for The New Yorker cartoons, and they’re hilarious.

“Everything is terrible but my cousin’s 9-year old daughter Alice has been quietly and masterfully slaying the New Yorker’s caption contest and it’s pure delight,” Kalb wrote.

Each week the magazine provides a cartoon in need of a caption. The readers submit their versions, and members of the editorial staff choose three finalists. The finalists appear on the New Yorker’s website and people choose the winner who will have his or her caption and name printed in the magazine. But there’s a problem. According to the official rules, only people 13 and over can enter or vote, meaning Alice has to wait 4 more years to participate.

However, that doesn’t stop the comedy prodigy from perfecting her skills. “There are so many,” Kalb added. “She grabs every issue before her mom can get a hold of it, and every single one of them is perfect.”

After her captions went viral, Kalb showed the little girl the enormous support they received. “Teachers don’t always encourage creative writing, so today has been a huge shot of confidence for her. Let young girls know when they’re funny and smart. Many people don’t.”

More info: Twitter

Bess Kalb is an Emmy-nominated writer but she has competition in the family

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People instantly fell in love with Alice’s captions

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Bess was overwhelmed by the positive response

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laurence_srinivasan avatar
Laurence Srinivasan
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

9 year olds don't have the irony wit or double entendre to write clever captions really

philblanque avatar
phil blanque
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yeah...no...move along folks, nothing to see here...just move along.

iblowsheep avatar
hazelree avatar
Stille20
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Eh, but she's nine, so its a good start. Besides, a lot of New Yorker comments aren't funny either.

blueoctane avatar
joop loop
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I can imagine the possibility of the sound of that laugh. High pitch likely. Nice to be presumptuous, projecting the assumed psychological genesis of my comment. Further, I'll wrap myself in objectivity and empirical evidence. Got it :)

Load More Replies...
edyeko avatar
Edy Eko
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

To put it objectively, you got to strip out of those "9 year old girl". And by then, i find the caption is just flat one liner

laurence_srinivasan avatar
Laurence Srinivasan
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Hiker to Himalayan wise man: "I come in search of eternal wisdom, but I would settle for cot cocoa."

laurence_srinivasan avatar
Laurence Srinivasan
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Subway car: "I don't think I can sandwich myself into that car". Or : "I heard they run a $6 special on Fridays". Or: "the turkey always slows down after lunchtime"

josephtessier avatar
Joseph Tessier
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

'Table for two please' is not bad, but the rest is terrible. I know she's nine, but, by that age, you don't say their drawing is amazing when it's not. Also don't like the nepotistic nature of this. We're supposed to pretend these are funny because her mother is a writer.

claudia_lorenz avatar
Claudia Lorenz
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Perhaps this is hilarious to young children. Not to me. Over exaggerating is an American disease.

sally-e-vogel avatar
Sally Vogel
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Not bad for a nine year old but not funny to adults. I'd hold off on hiring her.

sreesenthill avatar
Sree S
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

All the comments that are encouraging the NINE-YEAR-OLD are getting downvotes... if you scroll down, every comment is only encouraging and congratulating her. HONESTLY she is only a nine-year-old, and I don't get the hate thats going around here. Im pretty sure not half of you remember how 'clever' and 'funny' you were when you were nine, so you should stop hating. I don't mind the ppl who personally didn't really like it, but I don't like the ppl who r completely discouraging her.

sreesenthill avatar
Sree S
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Its one thing to express your opinion and another to discourage and put them down.

Load More Replies...
chypercube avatar
C Hypercube
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

At first I thought the language barrier prevents me from seeing the humor in these, but reading other comments I realize that it looks that she has a bad case of lack of humor.

vonskippy avatar
Vonskippy
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Proving that the average american is dumber then a nine year old.

johannazamora avatar
Johanna Zamora
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She's off to a good start. Many a NY'er cartoonist is looking over his/her shoulder

mittenkg avatar
Alib
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Nearly all of these are vastly better than the actual New Yorker punchlines, written by grownups, I assume.

jefbateman avatar
Jef Bateman
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"Table for two, please" - and there is only one climber (still alive, I mean). That is dark for a nine-year-old.

becausejamie avatar
MJ Beecker
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My caption with ducks is the obvious...One duck to the other, "every hear the joke about a bear, Abe Lincoln, and a clown walk into a bar?" Kids got a great sense of humor..

funkymattrocks avatar
stellermatt
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

comedy genius at such a young age i'm half impressed half jealous.

noraalmeida avatar
Nora AlMeida
Community Member
5 years ago

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

To the people who don’t find her captions to be funny and such: That’s fine. Not everything has to be deemed funny by everyone for it to be considered funny. Her captions aren’t taking aim at any gender or ethnicity; not even at any religion, so no one should be offended by her captions. So it is really alarming that some males (so far, all the negative, condescending comments I have seen in the comments’ section are from males) are so egotistical and lacking in self-respect and dignity, to have decided to make patronizing and belittling comments towards a 9 year old. I am glad, however, that there are some decent men who have the self-respect and dignity to not do that, who instead, understand that disrespectful comments are never ok.

laurence_srinivasan avatar
Laurence Srinivasan
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

9 year olds don't have the irony wit or double entendre to write clever captions really

philblanque avatar
phil blanque
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yeah...no...move along folks, nothing to see here...just move along.

iblowsheep avatar
hazelree avatar
Stille20
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Eh, but she's nine, so its a good start. Besides, a lot of New Yorker comments aren't funny either.

blueoctane avatar
joop loop
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I can imagine the possibility of the sound of that laugh. High pitch likely. Nice to be presumptuous, projecting the assumed psychological genesis of my comment. Further, I'll wrap myself in objectivity and empirical evidence. Got it :)

Load More Replies...
edyeko avatar
Edy Eko
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

To put it objectively, you got to strip out of those "9 year old girl". And by then, i find the caption is just flat one liner

laurence_srinivasan avatar
Laurence Srinivasan
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Hiker to Himalayan wise man: "I come in search of eternal wisdom, but I would settle for cot cocoa."

laurence_srinivasan avatar
Laurence Srinivasan
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Subway car: "I don't think I can sandwich myself into that car". Or : "I heard they run a $6 special on Fridays". Or: "the turkey always slows down after lunchtime"

josephtessier avatar
Joseph Tessier
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

'Table for two please' is not bad, but the rest is terrible. I know she's nine, but, by that age, you don't say their drawing is amazing when it's not. Also don't like the nepotistic nature of this. We're supposed to pretend these are funny because her mother is a writer.

claudia_lorenz avatar
Claudia Lorenz
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Perhaps this is hilarious to young children. Not to me. Over exaggerating is an American disease.

sally-e-vogel avatar
Sally Vogel
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Not bad for a nine year old but not funny to adults. I'd hold off on hiring her.

sreesenthill avatar
Sree S
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

All the comments that are encouraging the NINE-YEAR-OLD are getting downvotes... if you scroll down, every comment is only encouraging and congratulating her. HONESTLY she is only a nine-year-old, and I don't get the hate thats going around here. Im pretty sure not half of you remember how 'clever' and 'funny' you were when you were nine, so you should stop hating. I don't mind the ppl who personally didn't really like it, but I don't like the ppl who r completely discouraging her.

sreesenthill avatar
Sree S
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Its one thing to express your opinion and another to discourage and put them down.

Load More Replies...
chypercube avatar
C Hypercube
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

At first I thought the language barrier prevents me from seeing the humor in these, but reading other comments I realize that it looks that she has a bad case of lack of humor.

vonskippy avatar
Vonskippy
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Proving that the average american is dumber then a nine year old.

johannazamora avatar
Johanna Zamora
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She's off to a good start. Many a NY'er cartoonist is looking over his/her shoulder

mittenkg avatar
Alib
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Nearly all of these are vastly better than the actual New Yorker punchlines, written by grownups, I assume.

jefbateman avatar
Jef Bateman
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"Table for two, please" - and there is only one climber (still alive, I mean). That is dark for a nine-year-old.

becausejamie avatar
MJ Beecker
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My caption with ducks is the obvious...One duck to the other, "every hear the joke about a bear, Abe Lincoln, and a clown walk into a bar?" Kids got a great sense of humor..

funkymattrocks avatar
stellermatt
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

comedy genius at such a young age i'm half impressed half jealous.

noraalmeida avatar
Nora AlMeida
Community Member
5 years ago

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

To the people who don’t find her captions to be funny and such: That’s fine. Not everything has to be deemed funny by everyone for it to be considered funny. Her captions aren’t taking aim at any gender or ethnicity; not even at any religion, so no one should be offended by her captions. So it is really alarming that some males (so far, all the negative, condescending comments I have seen in the comments’ section are from males) are so egotistical and lacking in self-respect and dignity, to have decided to make patronizing and belittling comments towards a 9 year old. I am glad, however, that there are some decent men who have the self-respect and dignity to not do that, who instead, understand that disrespectful comments are never ok.

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