It’s hard to believe it’s been almost 15 years since the legendary comedian George Carlin passed away. His wit remains a vivid memory thanks to the many “Best Of George Carlin” videos on YouTube that also give younger generations the opportunity to know him. When it comes to comedy, there is no shortage of great performers, but his bold stance on nearly every topic, from religion to politics, set him apart from other funnymen of his era. His irreverent jokes and no-holds-barred attitude made him a fan favorite but also landed him in trouble with the law more than once. He got into comedy in 1960 when he started working with Jack Burns, who soon became his writing partner and best friend. They performed together for some years before Carlin went solo. From there, he became a comedy icon, which continued up until his death in 2008 at the age of 71.
A leading voice that influenced other comedians and an important figure in both the counterculture and mainstream culture, George Carlin was noted for his black comedy as well as his thoughts on politics, psychology, religion, and various taboo subjects. He is widely regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comedians, one of the first in the 1960s to use profanity in his routines.
He didn’t just make people laugh. He made them think and sometimes reconsider their beliefs. He had an uncanny ability to cut through the clutter of everyday life, and for this, we want to honor this man with our favorite inspirational quotes from George Carlin. Some are funny, some are insightful, but they’re all packed with his typical brutal honesty.
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“Don’t just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.”
“Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”
“I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently, I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”
“If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to have selfish, ignorant leaders.”
“Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”
I remember in the late 70's you could smoke in hospitals. Aaah... lighting up after 28 hours of labor/delivery. Lol
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
“War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class men off to die.”
“Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”
“If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?”
“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”
“Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.”
“Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”
“Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.”
“Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.”
I guess that's why they want to ban abortion, because it's the ones who can't afford to take care of child that it affects. The people who can't afford a good education are more likely to join the military in order to further their education, if they survive
“Religion is like a pair of shoes: Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.”
“Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.”
“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”
“Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
“We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.”
“When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.”
“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
“If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?”
This is funny, but if the entire plane were engineered the way black boxes are, it would not be able to fly.
“I often warn people: ‘Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no ‘I’ in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an ‘I’ in independence, individuality, and integrity.”
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
“If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?”
“‘Meow’ means ‘woof’ in cat.”
“I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”
“When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.”
“I think people should be allowed to do what they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.”
“There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’ These days, ‘Trajedi.'”
“Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.”
“People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”
“A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”
“Careful, if you think too much, they’ll take you away.”
“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.”
Imagine you're shot to death and people celebrate your life by wearing tiny gun pendants.
“‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?”
“I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.”
“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.”
“When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.”
“Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.”
“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”
“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”
“I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”
“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me — they’re cramming for their final exam.”
“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”
“Although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.”
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
“I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.”
“Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do ‘practice?'”
“I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.”
“There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.”
“People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”
“Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.”
The world's remaining most beautiful places are much sought after. There is a line (queue).
“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
“Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.”
“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?”
“‘Bipartisan’ usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.”
“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
“The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.”
“People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.”
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”
I prefer his quote, everyone appreciates your honesty until your honest. Then your an a*****e.
“Life is not measured by the number of breath we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.”
“I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.”
“So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.”
“Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.”
“If you can’t say something nice about a person, go ahead.”
My mom used to say "if you can't say something nice about someone, come in and I'll put the kettle on".
“People always tell me ‘Have a nice day.’ Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?”
"That'd be easy. Sometimes, all you have to do is get up in the morning."
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
“My advice: just keep moving straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.”
“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”
“One can never know for sure what a deserted area can look like.”
‘Why is it that most people who are against abortion are people you wouldn’t want to f**k in the first place?’
I love George Carlin! He was ahead of his time and has been an inspiration to upcoming comics for years. I saw his show back when he was riffing on "Stuff'" and the "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television". This was when cable tv channels were limited and we didn't have the internet of course! He was hilarious! RIP George!
I'm a smoker. My favorite joke from him is, "They say that quitting smoking will add 10 years to your life. Well, let's look at those 10 years, shall we. Those are the sitting in a nursing home, not knowing who you are, and sh!tting in a diaper years. Thanks, but no thanks. I'll keep smoking."
I love George Carlin! He was ahead of his time and has been an inspiration to upcoming comics for years. I saw his show back when he was riffing on "Stuff'" and the "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television". This was when cable tv channels were limited and we didn't have the internet of course! He was hilarious! RIP George!
I'm a smoker. My favorite joke from him is, "They say that quitting smoking will add 10 years to your life. Well, let's look at those 10 years, shall we. Those are the sitting in a nursing home, not knowing who you are, and sh!tting in a diaper years. Thanks, but no thanks. I'll keep smoking."
