Counselor Expresses Thoughts On Parents Who Used To Neglect Their Kids And Now Need Their Support
According to the generational theory developed by American authors William Strauss and Neil Howe, people born after the end of WWII and before about 1965 belong to the so-called “baby boomers”, while the next generation, everyone who was born before 1980, is Generation X.
Baby boomers are actually one of the greatest generations in the history of humanity. They listened to rock-n-roll and enjoyed the Summer of Love, made the first PCs and got through the economic crisis of the seventies. They worked tirelessly, creating the economic power of the modern world… and in this crazy pace of their lives, there was not always time to give to their children.
As a result, we now have generation X, whose parents have already grown old, require constant care and help – but they demand it from those who were almost ignored a few decades ago. And that’s a problem, a big problem. The video made by Janet Martinez, Texas-based counselor, is dedicated to this very issue, and it gained over 708K views and about 70.7 reactions on TikTok.
More info: TikTok
The author of the video belongs to Generation X and she reminisces about being literally “feral” in her childhood
Image credits: Henderson Hills
Janet reveals that she is a member of Generation X, and that many children of her age were basically feral. Their parents paid a lot of attention to work, leaving the children to literally take care of themselves. The children had the keys to the house with them, they cooked their own food – and so the years passed.
Image credits: @cursingcounselor
Now these Boomer parents have grown old – and now they require help and attention from their grown-up kids
However, now that their parents have grown old, they require care for themselves – and this, according to Janet, looks a little insulting, because then, many years ago, these very people often neglected their parental duties. “No one checked our homework, didn’t help with school, we cooked our own lunches and met at dinners,” says Janet.
Image credits: @cursingcounselor
Of course, the parents were very busy – but today, according to the Original Poster, the grown children themselves are no less busy. And now the old people are asking for help – while it was difficult to expect this help from them before. And this, according to Janet, causes certain psychological problems for her and her peers.
Image credits: @cursingcounselor
For sure there’s a kind of psychological issue connected with this situation for many Gen-X-ers
“It’s very likely that the Original Poster has some grudge from childhood,” says Irina Matveeva, a psychologist and certified NLP specialist, who was asked by Bored Panda to comment on this particular story. “If you didn’t get enough attention as a child, now this resentment will really prevent you from letting go of the situation.”
Image credits: @cursingcounselor
“I also belong to Generation X, and in my childhood my parents really worked a lot – for instance, in order to provide for the family financially, which was also incredibly important,” says Irina. “Today, the attitude of society towards the problem of finding a work-life balance has changed significantly – therefore, in my opinion, it is not entirely correct to compare the situations.”
@cursingcounselor #mentalhealth #genx #mentalhealthtok #therapy #trends #mentalhealthmatters ♬ original sound – Janet
“In addition, we should not forget that even then, several decades ago, our parents also had their own parents who needed help as well. In any case, the ability to forgive and find some kind of compromise is a very important quality. After all, if we were neglected in childhood, and now we are unconsciously trying to take some kind of revenge, then what are we, in this case, better for?” Irina Matveeva wonders.
Image credits: harlandspinksphoto
People in the comments mainly agree with Janet’s point of view
We must also say that people in the comments to Janet’s video largely agree with her opinion. According to commenters, distance is the only coping mechanism, and many people generally believe that they’ve taken care of their parents way longer than they took care of them.
We think that this is the next stage in the development of this age-old problem of parents and children, but in any case, every problem needs to be solved. If you have any ideas on how to solve this issue, please be sure to share them in the comments. And also, we would certainly like to know if you agree with the Original Poster’s point of view.
I got a call from my sister a little over a year ago, telling me I needed to help pay for our parents. I reminded her that they threw me out at 17, and I have not seen them for almost 40 years now. They made it very clear that they never wanted to see me again, and who am I to go against their wishes?
Finally, thank you for acknowledging something so painful and seemingly shameful. I get so triggered being around my mother. I just can't and then I feel terrible for that too.
Don’t feel terrible, that’s just the guilt she instilled in you from very early on. It’s part of their evil.
Load More Replies...I've spent the last ten years taking care of my mother, father, mother in law, and even my brother, his wife and their two kids. My mother, brother, and mother in law all lived with me at different times. I wish I could go back and tell myself that it's okay to say NO, and to tell myself how much it would cost me emotionally, physically and financially. I regret every moment that I gave of myself to selfish and self-centered people who really only cared about me as long as I had something to give.
That could be from any generation but I understand what you mean.
Load More Replies...My dad worked looooong hours. Mum had 2 jobs. Mum would be there to pick us up from school and cook dinner before rushing off to job number 2. They were hardly there but we didn't ever see it as neglect. Because they were there when it mattered. Football every Sat morning, dad was there. Needed anything, mum would take you shopping. Parents evening, they'd both find the time (Although I often wished they didn't), School plays, events, SUNDAYS!, They always found a way to make it work. I though my dad hated me, until I thought about it and realised, every play I did, every competition fight I had, every hospitalisation... He made sure he was there! If your parents "Weren't there" but were when it mattered, they didn't neglect you, they were struggling to provide for you. That being said, if your parents expect you to look after them, that's a different story.
But were they there only when it was visible. My mom didn't hug us except in public. She went to recitals and cub scouts bc people could see what a good mom she was. She didn't have much to say to us at home except clean that wash this dust vacuum.
Load More Replies...Maybe time to find sort of a balance. So our kids feel cared for as well as have the freedom to grow up without us helicoptering all the time. So they learn how to care for both the younger and older generation ( and themselves) in a healthy way ?
These are the posts I relate to the most. It’s very painful at the same time feels good to not feel alone in this. Sorry to everyone who endured awful parents! Others will never understand. There was a post about hard truths a while ago that said “if you have adult children that don’t talk to you it’s your fault”, that is so true.
We're not required to do anything for parents. We didn't ask to be born
I was raised like that as well but don't hold it against my parents (I'm borderline Gen X/Millennial). They were both working hard trying to provide for me and my brother and I never even thought to hold it against them. They can definitely count on my support when they need it in old age...
Raised by my grandma as well but now both parents pester me for support out of debt of gratitude for being born. Seriously? Honestly speaking I have more affection to my cat than them.
I would be really really surprised if Gen X's parents were boomers. My siblings are boomers and my parents were from the silent generation. Most of my aunts and uncles were from both antebellum and greatest generations. My grandparents were from the lost generation. The person starting the post, at the very top, talks about boomers. There were other generations before boomers.
I'm 52. Parents 87. Born 1935. Brother and sister 60/62. Most kids from my class had parents who were 10 years younger. My mom was 35 when she got me. Most moms were around 25. So I think the majority of Gen X has boomer parents. I remember that there were key kids in those days. The parents from key kids were boomers.
Load More Replies...My parents made me be a mother to my younger brothers. My dad always tried to be "intimate" with me and my mother kept beating the c**p out of me if I didn't keep my grades up and keep the house clean and make dinner and just because SHE had a bad day.
Man, we were feral, lol! I was the middle of 5, lol! Our summers, wow the freedom and how did we not die! Cherry and pears trees in the park. Used to take bags of fruit home. We lived within walking distance of Lake Ontario. Swimming, walking the piers, climbing sand hills!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was my father that I cut out of my life and probably not soon enough! My "mourning" period when he died was like a hiccup! I felt like I had already spent my whole life mourning what should have been! My mum, on the other hand, I pray I die first, cause losing her will kill me. Crying just writing this!!!!!!
This really struck a cord with me. My dad worked all the time but I had a stay at home mom. But she didn't cook, didn't clean, and certainly didn't play with us. We lived in a small less than 1000 SQFT house, yet my memories of growing up are watching 80's sit coms. WHERE WAS SHE?? reading a book, maybe. On the phone, or in her room or watching the only tv and we weren't allowed to speak or interrupt- oh and sleeping in the mornings when I was responsible for getting myself up and out the door. No one checking on grades, or school or friendships or feelings. And when I would explain to her that some situation in our *messed up* family bothered my, I was told I was to stop 'playing the victim' and/or she just ignored the situation all together. I get comfort from watching re-runs of Growing Pains or Little House on the Prairie or Family Ties, I feel like those parents raised me-The TV mom's and dad's had all the important talks and encouraging words for their kids- ANYONE ELSE??
Yes! This is it exactly. My mom was a stay-at-home mom who only mommed when people could see. We would literally be locked out of the house during the day if we were home during the day so she could watch her soap operas in peace. My grandparents lived next door but slept during the day because they worked overnights. My sister and I raised ourselves. Our much younger brother and sister didn't have the same parents we did. I know they weren't constantly told if it wasn't for you I wouldn't have to have had the others. Or you ruined my life and I couldn't finish my master's degree. You ruined my life because---whatever.
Load More Replies...Once again I am reminded about how very fortunate I was to have my parents.
Yeah, my grandmother had eight kids, seven still living and just turned 80 this year. So, my mom being the eldest girl had a lot of responsibility raising her brothers and sisters. My mom has also always had a really complex and kind of bad relationship with my grandmother, my grandfather passed five years ago. Now my grandmother is old, weak, frail, and in really poor health. My mom feels this weird sense of obligation to "be there" for her, but at the same time has a really awful emotional relationship with her mother. It's really sad and kind of odd being an adult child seeing this sad dynamic between them as my grandmother ages further and becomes more physically and mentally needful. I have a good relationship with my mom, but can already see the signs of her personality changing as she ages as well (60 years old). I am hopeful her resentfulness doesn't change her for the worse.
Much in the same way billionaires hoard more wealth than they could spend in multiple lifetimes, the Boomer generation has hoarded wealth on a lesser scale. Many Gen X and older Millennials who would otherwise leave their Boomer parents to take what they dished out are tethered by financial necessity. A friend of mine is caring for someone who sexually abused her because she is a white-collar professional who cannot afford rent and her abuser's bequest would be literally ten times her annual salary.
These are our parents, they raised us. They worked alot to house us, feed us, clothe us. The bikes we rode around on, the new kicks, my heafty allowance of $3 a week all came from them working. U guys think is was easy 4em an people just want to ditch em in nursing home. F**k you. They could have put us 4 adoption cause kids r difficult. Unless they were abusive, you have no excuse to abandon your parents, even if it is difficult. Thats what family does.
So, what? If you choose to be a parent, you're supposed to raise your kids. You gave yourself that responsibility, not your children. If parenthood is a burden, don't do it.
Load More Replies...You feel neglected because your parents had to work? Aren't you old enough to realise that money does not grow on trees? The truth is that most people are dissatisfied with their job and/or employer, and that most parents want to spend more time with their kids, but life (in our society) isn't that generous. And, since the dawn of the human race, children have to had to take care of their elderly parents - that's life.
It was more than just working. There was emotional neglect and indifference. I'm 48 years old and I still don't value myself as I should because I was told and shown that I had limited value as a child. In 2nd grade (7 years old), I would wake up in the morning, feed myself, dress myself, walk to the bus stop by myself, go to school, walk home from the bus stop, let myself in the house. Mom would be home after six unless she had a date. She'd cook dinner and then read her book. She would ignore you if she was reading. I could never talk to her about my day because every complaint or concern I raised was turned around to explain how I was bad or wasn't doing something correctly. I apologized constantly from a kid to an adult because I was so worried about being insulted, yelled at, or hit. I can't imagine caring for this person who didn't care for me.
Load More Replies...I got a call from my sister a little over a year ago, telling me I needed to help pay for our parents. I reminded her that they threw me out at 17, and I have not seen them for almost 40 years now. They made it very clear that they never wanted to see me again, and who am I to go against their wishes?
Finally, thank you for acknowledging something so painful and seemingly shameful. I get so triggered being around my mother. I just can't and then I feel terrible for that too.
Don’t feel terrible, that’s just the guilt she instilled in you from very early on. It’s part of their evil.
Load More Replies...I've spent the last ten years taking care of my mother, father, mother in law, and even my brother, his wife and their two kids. My mother, brother, and mother in law all lived with me at different times. I wish I could go back and tell myself that it's okay to say NO, and to tell myself how much it would cost me emotionally, physically and financially. I regret every moment that I gave of myself to selfish and self-centered people who really only cared about me as long as I had something to give.
That could be from any generation but I understand what you mean.
Load More Replies...My dad worked looooong hours. Mum had 2 jobs. Mum would be there to pick us up from school and cook dinner before rushing off to job number 2. They were hardly there but we didn't ever see it as neglect. Because they were there when it mattered. Football every Sat morning, dad was there. Needed anything, mum would take you shopping. Parents evening, they'd both find the time (Although I often wished they didn't), School plays, events, SUNDAYS!, They always found a way to make it work. I though my dad hated me, until I thought about it and realised, every play I did, every competition fight I had, every hospitalisation... He made sure he was there! If your parents "Weren't there" but were when it mattered, they didn't neglect you, they were struggling to provide for you. That being said, if your parents expect you to look after them, that's a different story.
But were they there only when it was visible. My mom didn't hug us except in public. She went to recitals and cub scouts bc people could see what a good mom she was. She didn't have much to say to us at home except clean that wash this dust vacuum.
Load More Replies...Maybe time to find sort of a balance. So our kids feel cared for as well as have the freedom to grow up without us helicoptering all the time. So they learn how to care for both the younger and older generation ( and themselves) in a healthy way ?
These are the posts I relate to the most. It’s very painful at the same time feels good to not feel alone in this. Sorry to everyone who endured awful parents! Others will never understand. There was a post about hard truths a while ago that said “if you have adult children that don’t talk to you it’s your fault”, that is so true.
We're not required to do anything for parents. We didn't ask to be born
I was raised like that as well but don't hold it against my parents (I'm borderline Gen X/Millennial). They were both working hard trying to provide for me and my brother and I never even thought to hold it against them. They can definitely count on my support when they need it in old age...
Raised by my grandma as well but now both parents pester me for support out of debt of gratitude for being born. Seriously? Honestly speaking I have more affection to my cat than them.
I would be really really surprised if Gen X's parents were boomers. My siblings are boomers and my parents were from the silent generation. Most of my aunts and uncles were from both antebellum and greatest generations. My grandparents were from the lost generation. The person starting the post, at the very top, talks about boomers. There were other generations before boomers.
I'm 52. Parents 87. Born 1935. Brother and sister 60/62. Most kids from my class had parents who were 10 years younger. My mom was 35 when she got me. Most moms were around 25. So I think the majority of Gen X has boomer parents. I remember that there were key kids in those days. The parents from key kids were boomers.
Load More Replies...My parents made me be a mother to my younger brothers. My dad always tried to be "intimate" with me and my mother kept beating the c**p out of me if I didn't keep my grades up and keep the house clean and make dinner and just because SHE had a bad day.
Man, we were feral, lol! I was the middle of 5, lol! Our summers, wow the freedom and how did we not die! Cherry and pears trees in the park. Used to take bags of fruit home. We lived within walking distance of Lake Ontario. Swimming, walking the piers, climbing sand hills!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was my father that I cut out of my life and probably not soon enough! My "mourning" period when he died was like a hiccup! I felt like I had already spent my whole life mourning what should have been! My mum, on the other hand, I pray I die first, cause losing her will kill me. Crying just writing this!!!!!!
This really struck a cord with me. My dad worked all the time but I had a stay at home mom. But she didn't cook, didn't clean, and certainly didn't play with us. We lived in a small less than 1000 SQFT house, yet my memories of growing up are watching 80's sit coms. WHERE WAS SHE?? reading a book, maybe. On the phone, or in her room or watching the only tv and we weren't allowed to speak or interrupt- oh and sleeping in the mornings when I was responsible for getting myself up and out the door. No one checking on grades, or school or friendships or feelings. And when I would explain to her that some situation in our *messed up* family bothered my, I was told I was to stop 'playing the victim' and/or she just ignored the situation all together. I get comfort from watching re-runs of Growing Pains or Little House on the Prairie or Family Ties, I feel like those parents raised me-The TV mom's and dad's had all the important talks and encouraging words for their kids- ANYONE ELSE??
Yes! This is it exactly. My mom was a stay-at-home mom who only mommed when people could see. We would literally be locked out of the house during the day if we were home during the day so she could watch her soap operas in peace. My grandparents lived next door but slept during the day because they worked overnights. My sister and I raised ourselves. Our much younger brother and sister didn't have the same parents we did. I know they weren't constantly told if it wasn't for you I wouldn't have to have had the others. Or you ruined my life and I couldn't finish my master's degree. You ruined my life because---whatever.
Load More Replies...Once again I am reminded about how very fortunate I was to have my parents.
Yeah, my grandmother had eight kids, seven still living and just turned 80 this year. So, my mom being the eldest girl had a lot of responsibility raising her brothers and sisters. My mom has also always had a really complex and kind of bad relationship with my grandmother, my grandfather passed five years ago. Now my grandmother is old, weak, frail, and in really poor health. My mom feels this weird sense of obligation to "be there" for her, but at the same time has a really awful emotional relationship with her mother. It's really sad and kind of odd being an adult child seeing this sad dynamic between them as my grandmother ages further and becomes more physically and mentally needful. I have a good relationship with my mom, but can already see the signs of her personality changing as she ages as well (60 years old). I am hopeful her resentfulness doesn't change her for the worse.
Much in the same way billionaires hoard more wealth than they could spend in multiple lifetimes, the Boomer generation has hoarded wealth on a lesser scale. Many Gen X and older Millennials who would otherwise leave their Boomer parents to take what they dished out are tethered by financial necessity. A friend of mine is caring for someone who sexually abused her because she is a white-collar professional who cannot afford rent and her abuser's bequest would be literally ten times her annual salary.
These are our parents, they raised us. They worked alot to house us, feed us, clothe us. The bikes we rode around on, the new kicks, my heafty allowance of $3 a week all came from them working. U guys think is was easy 4em an people just want to ditch em in nursing home. F**k you. They could have put us 4 adoption cause kids r difficult. Unless they were abusive, you have no excuse to abandon your parents, even if it is difficult. Thats what family does.
So, what? If you choose to be a parent, you're supposed to raise your kids. You gave yourself that responsibility, not your children. If parenthood is a burden, don't do it.
Load More Replies...You feel neglected because your parents had to work? Aren't you old enough to realise that money does not grow on trees? The truth is that most people are dissatisfied with their job and/or employer, and that most parents want to spend more time with their kids, but life (in our society) isn't that generous. And, since the dawn of the human race, children have to had to take care of their elderly parents - that's life.
It was more than just working. There was emotional neglect and indifference. I'm 48 years old and I still don't value myself as I should because I was told and shown that I had limited value as a child. In 2nd grade (7 years old), I would wake up in the morning, feed myself, dress myself, walk to the bus stop by myself, go to school, walk home from the bus stop, let myself in the house. Mom would be home after six unless she had a date. She'd cook dinner and then read her book. She would ignore you if she was reading. I could never talk to her about my day because every complaint or concern I raised was turned around to explain how I was bad or wasn't doing something correctly. I apologized constantly from a kid to an adult because I was so worried about being insulted, yelled at, or hit. I can't imagine caring for this person who didn't care for me.
Load More Replies...
38
45