Mom Is Furious After Her Brother Allows His Son And The Son’s Boyfriend To Show PDA In Front Of Her Kids
Despite the major shift in acknowledging LGBTQ rights around the world made in the past years, acceptance of homosexuality is still sharply divided by country, region and economic development. And you don’t need to go far to see people’s views on LGBTQ issues clashing—often it takes as little as one family unit.
So this story posted on r/AITA comes from a dad of two teen boys, 18 and 15 years old. The younger one has recently started dating his best friend and they’ve been close ever since growing up. When the family went on an annual trip to visit their aunt, the boys arrived as a couple.
But as soon as the boys showed each other affection, their aunt got enraged at them for acting inappropriately in front of her children. The incident escalated up to a boiling point, and now dad wants to make sure whether his parenting technique is really not okay, as his sister claims.
This dad has recently shared an incident of his sister blaming him for allowing his teen son and his boyfriend to show their affection in front of her children
Image credits: South_agency (not the actual photo)
So he penned this post on r/AITA aiming to find out whether he really did anything wrong
Bored Panda talked to Peter Karys, the director of youth counseling and support at NYC’s LGBT Community Center, who said that acceptance and support for LGBTQ teens is absolutely vital. “Everyone deserves to be loved for who they are, and that includes LGBTQ young people,” he said and added: “Especially in a world where other places such as school, sports teams, workplaces, and even public spaces may not be welcoming, or may even be hostile to LGBTQ folks, family should be a refuge.”
Peter explained that for young people, not being able to find support for who they are takes a dangerous toll on their mental health. “Rejection from family increases feelings of anxiety and depression, and heightens their risk of substance use.” “At The Center, we see firsthand the positive impact that affirming and supportive parents, caregivers, and family members (both chosen and by birth) can have on young adults’ development, sense of self-worth, confidence, and comfort with their own identities. This plays an important role in increasing their success in other areas, such as relationships with peers, academic success, and an overall sense of empowerment and well-being.”
When it comes to parents of LGBTQ kids getting backlash or criticism from their family members, Peter says that overall, “it’s always important to maintain an open mind.”“At the same time, it’s also important to pay attention to what people are criticizing you for. Are they critiquing you for seeming too supportive of your LGBTQ child? If so, remember that that is something that has not been proven to have negative impacts—and in fact, the reverse is certain, that research has shown that it’s dangerous for a young person to not receive enough support,” Peter explained.
He continued: “Now, depending on your relationship with the person offering criticism, this may present a moment for learning. Ask questions to try to understand their point, and explain how your parenting techniques are shaped by values that you may share, such as compassion, love, and respect.”
Peter also encourages sharing how science has confirmed the necessity of family support and affirmation for LGBTQ young people. “Building empathy in this way can help bridge a gap,” he concluded, referring to families where people are divided over accepting LGBTQ family members.
For more information, support and advice, please visit The Center and talk to their amazing team that focuses on what is in the best interest of the child, while grounding the relationship and the collaborative work in a parent’s and family’s love and concern for their child’s well-being.
People weighed in on this whole situation and this is what they had to say
Here's the thing. Kids don't care. Some people have different skin colours. Some people have different beliefs. And some people like boys, and others like girls. You tell a kid that and they will just go 'oh, okay'. It's when you bring your children up to believe that people of a different colour, religion or orientation are bad, or lesser, that prejudice is carried into the next generation.
Children looked to adults to work out how to feel about things. This is just wired in to how they learn to exist in the society they were born into. If the parents act like something is normal the children will accept it as normal. If the parents act like it's traumatic then the children will feel this too.
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My husband and I hug a give each other kisses hold hands cuddle on the couch watching movies etc in front of our kids. It's healthy for kids to see affection. There's no description of what took place. Sure outright making out would be weird for any couple to do in front of anyone but a little affection shouldn't bother anyone
When I was a child, I loved to see affection between my parents. When my father kisses my mother I felt the live and it was very reassuring as it wasn't a perfect household. I can never lable love and affection as a crime, unless inappropriate
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I think it's a bit much to assume homophobia just from the OP. She obviously didn't know they two were dating, but was gender the issue? The sister might have had just as much issue with a heterosexual couple "canoodling" in front of her kids. (also, just how much making out does "canoodling" entail? A kiss or two and some snuggles? Full on make out the entire show? It sounds innocent enough to me, but definitions like that are vague.) I'll grant you, there's every possibility it's homophobia, but it's honestly just as likely she doesn't want anyone showing PDA in front of her kids. Some people just don't care for that.
The dad didn't really expand on it much - his eldest is straight, but has never had a GF long enough to visit on one of these trips, so it's not easy to determine if it's gay PDA or neutral orientation PDA she's opposed to. They were watching Cinderella, so it's likely homophobic, since I'm certain Cinders has a kiss at one point and there were no objections to that!
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The sister needs to get that she can't control what other people do near her kids, she can only control who her kids are around. That said... is it now normal to bring a 15 year old's BF or GF on family vacations?
It explained how they were best friends for years before becoming BFs and had even travelled to the sister's house in previous years. The only difference this time is it had changed into a romantic friendship.
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OP says it was a kiss and a cuddle, so i seriously doubt they were snogging on the couch. If I was OP, my first question would have been 'would you have had such an issue if his partner was of the opposite sex?' I doubt her reaction would be the same! Also, 'trying to raise her kids right'....what does that mean? To never sjow affection to anyone?
Personally PDA is grody and annoying ... especially if it's you're teenager . I just subtly make barfing noises and we all go on with out day. I understand them feeling like their kids weren't old enough for the total run down on what gay is . A simple , some boys love other boys and some girls love other girls. It may seem weird to you , but that's because you haven't experienced it. Everyone deserves love and deserves to love who they want . Simple. No mention of docking , dental damn , human centipede Rosie Odonell in a dominatrix outfit or anything else pornographic or disturbing .
I would think it was inappropriate for them to be kissing on the couch in front of the younger children - not because they're both guys, but because I think PDA should be limited to hand holding, or arm around the shoulders or a quick hug. And that applies the just the same as for hetero couples, or for two girls. But the sister definately sounds homophobic. Do a sanity check - would she have felt it was necessary for her to be told in advance if your son bought a girlfriend along? Would she have been okay with your son kissing a hypothetical girlfriend infront of her son? It doesn't sound like you're being an asshole, but she is.
Kids of the woman's age aren't born judgemental homophobes. That is a learned behaviour which is usually learned from someone close to them. Her kids accepted it and were fine about it, she needs to take a leaf out of her kids book and just let it be. It's obvious she's offended because it's 'gay' and not hetro. I will say that the dad has been fantastic in supporting his son and his relationship with his now boyfriend. From experience, many of my male gay friends didn't have that kind of support from their fathers.
... if we could just agree to something like "What doesn't hurt any, isn't bad, any." or so ... Life would be so much easier, especially for those not fulfilling a role of traditional normality. I see it is getting better in the societies that haven't given up the process of civilization yet, but, currently - have a look into Poland, Hungary - they mess up their laws to discriminate against people, reduce the rights of whatever isn't a straight, white, religious man who earns a good salary, they really go substantial lengths to do so, to try to justify it - and still, the hand is open if Brussels sends money - and some people in western societies, which were a lot ahead a few years ago, don't find anything better to do than join in the choir of the reactionarians? Why?
Wow, kids can't ask questions and receive honest answers? .... That's.... really crap parenting, IMO. Kid asked, kid was answered, nothing to see here, move along. If the mom has an issue, I suggest counseling (and not with a religious type).
...I know that everyone assumes that it's because they're a gay couple, but it could just be because she doesn't want her kids to see PDA, even between her and her partner. 🤷
Ok so heres my thing.....I have 3 sons. My middle son is gay & I support that 150%. That being said my oldest has been caught making out & being "to" cuddly in front of his (at the time) young brothers. A little affection is fine but read the room and be approprate in public. I feel the exact same way regardles of sexual prefrence. If the 2 boys were even lightly making out during the movie.....maybe pull back a bit infront of family. Hold hands....fine. Cheek kiss.......ok. Snuggling on the couch in the dark playing smoochie face....ummmm nope. (& why would you want to anyway? Eww) But I feel the same if it was my son and a girl.
She doesn't think her kids are old enough to learn about gay people?! That's like saying a kid is too young to learn that parents aren't just just friends that decide to have kids! I mean, it's a basic part of our society!
Or she doesn’t want pda of either gender in *her* house.
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i don't care if its a giraffe and a zebra, PDA is not something I want to see.
On the fence here. The kid is 15. A child. Should he be canoodling in public with any gender at his age? Not sure. The dad says just cuddling and kissing (we only have his version here), but for sure I would be worried at that age that it might lead to something else whilst they are still both children. And I would say this no matter what gender they were. I'd say that was an appropriate time for the dad to have a talk to his son about legalities, consent, respect and safe sex. It's great they feel comfortable enough to be themselves with family, but not if it leads to underage sex that they might both regret later on.
Most kids are having sex LONG before their parents know about it. Four years is the average. And yes, there are parents that will scream that their 18 year old daughter is a virgin because she "didn't tell them" that she was having sex.......as they run into the delivery room while she's giving birth.
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Cuddling and kissing is not inappropriate! And you don't need a room for everything more than a kiss to the forehead. Holy crap, do you share a flat with the pope? If the people who say this are not showing PDA with their husband/wife/boyfriend/girl friend/Pon Farr partner, I'm very very sorry for them.
There are degrees to PDA. And yes, cuddling and little kisses are fine and shouldn't be an issue. But I too have a teenage nephew and have witnessed him and his friends and their partners engage in PDA, and when their Public displays of affection extends to full on "tongues down each others throats", that's inappropriate and should be reserved for Private displays of affection. Likewise, pawing at each others secondary sexual characteristics (aka having a grope/second(?) base) is beyond cuddling. CAVEAT: I fully believe the young men in the story were doing nothing more than hand holding and light kissing, if only because they were in the company of family and not engaging in the "performative" aspects of teenage PDA, so I'm just highlighting that PDA has a range, and like all ranges, there are extremes at either end.
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Didn't seem to bother the 9 yr old. Raise them right? They gotta know about these things eventually!
Appropriate affection is healthy to see, regardless of gender or sexuality. I grew up with parents who would never even hug or kiss one another and by god as an adult you realise how screwed up you are because you're barely capable of being close to another on any level. As for being gay, my husband and I NEVER show affection in front of others for fear of making them feel awkward or us feeling embarrassed. But that is soooooo wrong, I know. I would just love to be comfortable being myself in public but society tells you it's not allowed. Totally NTA to just accept and normalise such affection. Wish I'd had the same at that age...
I'm on the fence about this. I disagree with the sister's homophobic attitudes. And if the vacation were at a resort, or at the brother's house, she would be completely out of line in asking other people to modify their behavior. But this was in her home, and I'm sure her siblings were probably already aware she held those beliefs. The parent of the teen should have at least given her a heads up that the boys were a couple. And regardless of the orientation of the teens, it's never a bad idea to lay off the PDA when you're a guest in someone else's house.
Can someone tell me what PDA means. I've only ever know PDA as Personal Digital Assistant and I'm assuming that it isn't that or this is a really weird title.
I literally didn't know what gay meant until I was like 7. My mom is supportive, but she never said anything and is usually heteronormative.
Like many have pointed out it's the mum's reaction that will cause problems here not the young couple. The young kid is going to see this and probably think "my cousin has a bf" and that will be that. Her trying to control the damage and explain the moral implications of two men/boys being in a relationship is what is going to confuse her child, because there is nothing moral or amoral about it, it's just a fact of life.
If showing love and affection had the same lawyers like wars and wealth what a happy place we would live in.
If it's about same sex, this "mom" is stupid especially if her sons have any device that connects to the internet. This isn't new. So her precious "babies" are not as innocent as she thinks they are. If it's about just the PDA by itself, ok, I can kinda see not wanting younger kids to be exposed to that just yet, but again....internet. She needs to loosen up.
Personal digital assistants? What? Also, being intimate at someone else's house is kind of weird, whether it's hetero/gay or anything else. And he could've told her they were dating, because obviously that changes the dynamic of the relationship. She thought they were just friends. Obviously she's also homophobic and that is just wrong.
Here's the thing. Kids don't care. Some people have different skin colours. Some people have different beliefs. And some people like boys, and others like girls. You tell a kid that and they will just go 'oh, okay'. It's when you bring your children up to believe that people of a different colour, religion or orientation are bad, or lesser, that prejudice is carried into the next generation.
Children looked to adults to work out how to feel about things. This is just wired in to how they learn to exist in the society they were born into. If the parents act like something is normal the children will accept it as normal. If the parents act like it's traumatic then the children will feel this too.
Load More Replies... My husband and I hug a give each other kisses hold hands cuddle on the couch watching movies etc in front of our kids. It's healthy for kids to see affection. There's no description of what took place. Sure outright making out would be weird for any couple to do in front of anyone but a little affection shouldn't bother anyone
When I was a child, I loved to see affection between my parents. When my father kisses my mother I felt the live and it was very reassuring as it wasn't a perfect household. I can never lable love and affection as a crime, unless inappropriate
Load More Replies... I think it's a bit much to assume homophobia just from the OP. She obviously didn't know they two were dating, but was gender the issue? The sister might have had just as much issue with a heterosexual couple "canoodling" in front of her kids. (also, just how much making out does "canoodling" entail? A kiss or two and some snuggles? Full on make out the entire show? It sounds innocent enough to me, but definitions like that are vague.) I'll grant you, there's every possibility it's homophobia, but it's honestly just as likely she doesn't want anyone showing PDA in front of her kids. Some people just don't care for that.
The dad didn't really expand on it much - his eldest is straight, but has never had a GF long enough to visit on one of these trips, so it's not easy to determine if it's gay PDA or neutral orientation PDA she's opposed to. They were watching Cinderella, so it's likely homophobic, since I'm certain Cinders has a kiss at one point and there were no objections to that!
Load More Replies... The sister needs to get that she can't control what other people do near her kids, she can only control who her kids are around. That said... is it now normal to bring a 15 year old's BF or GF on family vacations?
It explained how they were best friends for years before becoming BFs and had even travelled to the sister's house in previous years. The only difference this time is it had changed into a romantic friendship.
Load More Replies... OP says it was a kiss and a cuddle, so i seriously doubt they were snogging on the couch. If I was OP, my first question would have been 'would you have had such an issue if his partner was of the opposite sex?' I doubt her reaction would be the same! Also, 'trying to raise her kids right'....what does that mean? To never sjow affection to anyone?
Personally PDA is grody and annoying ... especially if it's you're teenager . I just subtly make barfing noises and we all go on with out day. I understand them feeling like their kids weren't old enough for the total run down on what gay is . A simple , some boys love other boys and some girls love other girls. It may seem weird to you , but that's because you haven't experienced it. Everyone deserves love and deserves to love who they want . Simple. No mention of docking , dental damn , human centipede Rosie Odonell in a dominatrix outfit or anything else pornographic or disturbing .
I would think it was inappropriate for them to be kissing on the couch in front of the younger children - not because they're both guys, but because I think PDA should be limited to hand holding, or arm around the shoulders or a quick hug. And that applies the just the same as for hetero couples, or for two girls. But the sister definately sounds homophobic. Do a sanity check - would she have felt it was necessary for her to be told in advance if your son bought a girlfriend along? Would she have been okay with your son kissing a hypothetical girlfriend infront of her son? It doesn't sound like you're being an asshole, but she is.
Kids of the woman's age aren't born judgemental homophobes. That is a learned behaviour which is usually learned from someone close to them. Her kids accepted it and were fine about it, she needs to take a leaf out of her kids book and just let it be. It's obvious she's offended because it's 'gay' and not hetro. I will say that the dad has been fantastic in supporting his son and his relationship with his now boyfriend. From experience, many of my male gay friends didn't have that kind of support from their fathers.
... if we could just agree to something like "What doesn't hurt any, isn't bad, any." or so ... Life would be so much easier, especially for those not fulfilling a role of traditional normality. I see it is getting better in the societies that haven't given up the process of civilization yet, but, currently - have a look into Poland, Hungary - they mess up their laws to discriminate against people, reduce the rights of whatever isn't a straight, white, religious man who earns a good salary, they really go substantial lengths to do so, to try to justify it - and still, the hand is open if Brussels sends money - and some people in western societies, which were a lot ahead a few years ago, don't find anything better to do than join in the choir of the reactionarians? Why?
Wow, kids can't ask questions and receive honest answers? .... That's.... really crap parenting, IMO. Kid asked, kid was answered, nothing to see here, move along. If the mom has an issue, I suggest counseling (and not with a religious type).
...I know that everyone assumes that it's because they're a gay couple, but it could just be because she doesn't want her kids to see PDA, even between her and her partner. 🤷
Ok so heres my thing.....I have 3 sons. My middle son is gay & I support that 150%. That being said my oldest has been caught making out & being "to" cuddly in front of his (at the time) young brothers. A little affection is fine but read the room and be approprate in public. I feel the exact same way regardles of sexual prefrence. If the 2 boys were even lightly making out during the movie.....maybe pull back a bit infront of family. Hold hands....fine. Cheek kiss.......ok. Snuggling on the couch in the dark playing smoochie face....ummmm nope. (& why would you want to anyway? Eww) But I feel the same if it was my son and a girl.
She doesn't think her kids are old enough to learn about gay people?! That's like saying a kid is too young to learn that parents aren't just just friends that decide to have kids! I mean, it's a basic part of our society!
Or she doesn’t want pda of either gender in *her* house.
Load More Replies... i don't care if its a giraffe and a zebra, PDA is not something I want to see.
On the fence here. The kid is 15. A child. Should he be canoodling in public with any gender at his age? Not sure. The dad says just cuddling and kissing (we only have his version here), but for sure I would be worried at that age that it might lead to something else whilst they are still both children. And I would say this no matter what gender they were. I'd say that was an appropriate time for the dad to have a talk to his son about legalities, consent, respect and safe sex. It's great they feel comfortable enough to be themselves with family, but not if it leads to underage sex that they might both regret later on.
Most kids are having sex LONG before their parents know about it. Four years is the average. And yes, there are parents that will scream that their 18 year old daughter is a virgin because she "didn't tell them" that she was having sex.......as they run into the delivery room while she's giving birth.
Load More Replies... Cuddling and kissing is not inappropriate! And you don't need a room for everything more than a kiss to the forehead. Holy crap, do you share a flat with the pope? If the people who say this are not showing PDA with their husband/wife/boyfriend/girl friend/Pon Farr partner, I'm very very sorry for them.
There are degrees to PDA. And yes, cuddling and little kisses are fine and shouldn't be an issue. But I too have a teenage nephew and have witnessed him and his friends and their partners engage in PDA, and when their Public displays of affection extends to full on "tongues down each others throats", that's inappropriate and should be reserved for Private displays of affection. Likewise, pawing at each others secondary sexual characteristics (aka having a grope/second(?) base) is beyond cuddling. CAVEAT: I fully believe the young men in the story were doing nothing more than hand holding and light kissing, if only because they were in the company of family and not engaging in the "performative" aspects of teenage PDA, so I'm just highlighting that PDA has a range, and like all ranges, there are extremes at either end.
Load More Replies... Didn't seem to bother the 9 yr old. Raise them right? They gotta know about these things eventually!
Appropriate affection is healthy to see, regardless of gender or sexuality. I grew up with parents who would never even hug or kiss one another and by god as an adult you realise how screwed up you are because you're barely capable of being close to another on any level. As for being gay, my husband and I NEVER show affection in front of others for fear of making them feel awkward or us feeling embarrassed. But that is soooooo wrong, I know. I would just love to be comfortable being myself in public but society tells you it's not allowed. Totally NTA to just accept and normalise such affection. Wish I'd had the same at that age...
I'm on the fence about this. I disagree with the sister's homophobic attitudes. And if the vacation were at a resort, or at the brother's house, she would be completely out of line in asking other people to modify their behavior. But this was in her home, and I'm sure her siblings were probably already aware she held those beliefs. The parent of the teen should have at least given her a heads up that the boys were a couple. And regardless of the orientation of the teens, it's never a bad idea to lay off the PDA when you're a guest in someone else's house.
Can someone tell me what PDA means. I've only ever know PDA as Personal Digital Assistant and I'm assuming that it isn't that or this is a really weird title.
I literally didn't know what gay meant until I was like 7. My mom is supportive, but she never said anything and is usually heteronormative.
Like many have pointed out it's the mum's reaction that will cause problems here not the young couple. The young kid is going to see this and probably think "my cousin has a bf" and that will be that. Her trying to control the damage and explain the moral implications of two men/boys being in a relationship is what is going to confuse her child, because there is nothing moral or amoral about it, it's just a fact of life.
If showing love and affection had the same lawyers like wars and wealth what a happy place we would live in.
If it's about same sex, this "mom" is stupid especially if her sons have any device that connects to the internet. This isn't new. So her precious "babies" are not as innocent as she thinks they are. If it's about just the PDA by itself, ok, I can kinda see not wanting younger kids to be exposed to that just yet, but again....internet. She needs to loosen up.
Personal digital assistants? What? Also, being intimate at someone else's house is kind of weird, whether it's hetero/gay or anything else. And he could've told her they were dating, because obviously that changes the dynamic of the relationship. She thought they were just friends. Obviously she's also homophobic and that is just wrong.
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