126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show
Not all of us have been blessed with superb humor or wit as sharp as a whip. Most of us feel caught off-guard when there's a necessity to deliver a funny reconnaissance in a conversation or brighten up the mood. So much so that you might find yourself in very awkward situations, lacking not only funny things to say but things to say at all! Luckily, this pain is shared among many, and plenty of options exist to get out of such a pickle. One of them is to read this list where we've rounded up all the funny expressions. Learn them by heart and use them as a safety net if needed.
You might even use these funny sayings as conversation starters, but be sure to read the room carefully before you do. They might work the best with the people you already know, but those who don't take risks don't drink champagne. Or don't find themselves in a socially awkward situations.
So, dust off your notebook and search for a pen (one that you most likely got for being a loyal customer of your local Chinese joint) to jot down these hilarious, funny random things to say in a conversation. Give the conversion topic you liked the most your vote, and share this article with anyone you'd like!
Auto-correct should have been named more precisely as auto-assume.
A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. But a warm seat in a public restroom is worse.
After Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
Organized people are those who are just too lazy to find their things.
Why aren’t shorts half the price of pants?
What Are Some Funny Phrases to Say When You're Not Sure How to Respond?
Conversing for those less fortunate in the social world might be hard. It's times like these when funny phrases or silly quotes come into play. Also, nothing will ever beat a batch of funny work quotes if you're at the office.
But there are also occasions when any of the funny sayings will work. So, if you're stuck in a void of awkward silence, try out some trivia questions or spit out a random fact to get the conversation back on track.
I clean my house almost every day. I almost cleaned on Monday, almost cleaned it on Tuesday, almost cleaned it on Wednesday…
I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’
Time is the best teacher of all. Too bad it kills all its students.
LOL has gone from meaning "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say."
Sure, alcohol doesn’t solve any problems. But then again, neither does milk.
I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.
If you’re the kind of person that has no good luck, when you see the light at the end of the tunnel… run, because the train is coming.
Don't worry if plan A fails. There are 25 more letters in the alphabet!
The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
A birth certificate could easily be called a baby receipt.
What Are Some Funny Expressions to Say After Answering the Phone?
Answering our phones is something we do regularly without giving it much thought; however, you can spice up even that. Get some hilarious quotes out, which are more than welcome to include references to anime TV series, Marvel action movies, etc. You can also use these neutral, funny phrases when answering the phone:
- "Go ahead, caller, you're on the air!"
- "Bob's crematorium, you kill 'em, we grill 'em."
- "This is me, is this you?"
- "Hippity Hoppity, what's Poppity?"
- "Is it done?"
Of course, don't go answering phones in your office with a "moshi moshi"; that probably wouldn't get you an "employee of the month" award. But to your friends and family, it would be an excellent start to a conversation.
9 out of 10 voices in my head tell me I’m crazy. The tenth is just playing drums.
My head is very slowly 3D printing my hair.
If you put one lasagna on top of another one, you still have just one lasagna.
If you think no one cares whether you're alive or dead, just skip a handful of credit card payments.
There is too much emphasis on the early bird's good luck and not enough on the early worm's bad luck.
If we were on a plane about to crash and only had one parachute, I promise I'd give an amazing speech at your funeral.
Just take my advice because I’m not going to use it.
I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s just impossible to put down.
Earth is like the insane asylum for the universe.
What Are Some Funny Random Things to Say in a Conversation After Starting With "Guess What"?
You never know what to expect after hearing "Guess what?". It might be some excellent news, a revelation, or something so out of context that you struggle to understand. And that's the joy of it! The suspense following the inquiry and the relief after finally finding out what's that "what." You can serve up something new in your life this way, dashing it with a little bit of comedy quotes and spicing up the otherwise regular conversation.
It's difficult to do nothing because you never know when you're done.
Refusing to go to the gym is one of the best forms of resistance training.
Whatever is eating you must be really hungry.
If you lend someone money and never see them again, it was probably worth every penny.
The devil shakes a pitchfork, the grim reaper swings a scythe… farming must be a big thing in hell.
A pessimist is someone who has spent too much time listening to optimists.
I would really like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?
I had used up all of my sick leave, so I called in dead.
I sold my vacuum cleaner because all it was doing was gathering dust.
I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.
Isn't it strange that cigarettes are sold in gas stations, since smoking is prohibited there?
Love must truly be blind because it can’t see me at all.
I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one abandoned me, but the second did not.
Running in place will get you nowhere fast.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Bullets are the only things on Earth that do their job after they’ve been fired.
Whisper audibly to yourself while someone recalls an experience, “Just like in my dream!”
Dear math: please, be a grown up and solve your problems by yourself.
I've always thought air was free. That is, I did until I went out and bought a $3 bag of crisps.
Whiteboards really are remarkable.
Is a paper cut the tree’s way of getting back at you?
I wonder how much money the phrase “Keep the change” cost me so far.
Please excuse my naivety. I was born at a very early age.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions?
I don't really need a hairstylist since my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
I don't understand how people can be so open-minded. Whenever I try, my brain keeps falling out.
Why are apartments called apartments when they are all stuck together?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away... if you throw it hard enough!
Try calling someone just to tell them you can’t talk right now.
If a market is well stocked, is it called the stock market?
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times, I let my wife sleep.
My friendship is not for sale, but we can talk about a short-term rental.
I was looking for the good side of life but concluded that life is a sphere.
Dogs can't see inside your body, but CAT scan.
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a mural worth?
The next time you buy a donut, complain that there’s a hole in it.
A balanced diet simply means having a pizza slice in each hand.
The first five days of the week are the toughest.
People don't notice my superpower, making myself invisible.
You're in the wrong lane when everything is coming at you.
Why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator if you're not supposed to eat at night?
Barbie is so popular and yet, kids still buy friends for her.
Always remember that you’re unique... just like everyone else is.
If I won the prize of laziest person, I’d ask somebody to go get it for me.
There’s only one thing that is worse than waking up early: a holiday on a Sunday.
If nothing is impossible, then I’ve been doing the impossible for years.
Tell a friend, “I had a dream about you last night. You did terrible things.”
My tallest finger loves giving people standing ovations.
A cookie a day keeps your sadness away, but an entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
The only thing I get out of Algebra is when I look at X and wonder Y.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
I had a sweet side, but I ate it.
What if every country has its own ninjas but we only know about the Japanese ninjas because they are the worst?
Kids believe in fairy tales. I’ve moved on to soap operas and political speeches.
I took the road less traveled by. Thanks a lot, Google Maps!
Every person should marry an archeologist, because the older person gets, the more they'll love them.
Is cardboard more board than card or more card than board?
How does the non-stick coating stick to the pan?
Whoever said you can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop!
If you are on a diet, the first three letters of that word are probably feeling pretty accurate right now.
I love that our easygoing friendship fits perfectly with my laziness.
If you lose a shoe, you’ve practically lost yourself two shoes.
Money is not everything. Don’t forget the gold, the diamonds, and property.
Giving up is for weak people. Be like me, don't even try.
In response to any suggestion, “But at what cost?”
A bed is basically a shelf for the body.
Gossipy? I’m just an historian of other people’s lives!
I am a great housekeeper. Every time I leave someone, I keep their house.
I promise to step on your feet if you dance with me.
I have clean conscience. I haven’t used it once.
A bag of money can represent not only wealth, but also massive inflation.