One can only imagine where the roots of puns are hidden. Was it The First Humans who mistakenly called the Saber-Toothed tiger a Lightsaber-Toothed tiger? Or maybe it all started in the Middle Ages when, by a long shot, the Trebuchet was the most powerful weapon? Or perhaps it was the era of the Renaissance when people just couldn't Handel the music of Handel? There are no answers as to when this amazingly lame form of humor was born but it has kept its popularity from the dawn of ages to this day, nonetheless. Loser-esque yet hilarious, unbearably foolish yet clever at the same time - puns will never get boring, even if they'd be the last jokes left on Earth. Some people might consider them lame; others just don't get them at all. But we think that a good pun is always worth a good laugh. If you are on the same page then this complete collection of puns is exactly what you are looking for. From classy to sassy, these are the puns that can make anyone laugh (or roll their eyes at least). So scroll down below, vote for the funniest, and let us know what you think!
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me
I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off
My dad farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels
What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes
The furniture store keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - he woke up
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves
I was going to make a chemistry joke, but since I'm kinda late to the thread, the good ones argon
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
The other day I tried to make a chemistry joke, but got no reaction
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest
He who laughs last thinks slowest
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus
Why is the number six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn’t make any cents
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill
What did one flag say to the other? Nothing, it just waved.
I lost my mood ring, and I don't know how I'm feeling about that
Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
I bought a boat because it was for sail
I'm not a doctor but I'm losing my patience
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit
How did Harry Potter come down the hill? Walking. Jk... Rolling
The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blown away by the leaf blower
When driving past a cemetery he said: "Wow, people are dying to go there!"
What did the beach say as the tide came in? Long time, no sea
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it
There was this kid in my class who wouldn't laugh at anything. So I told him 10 jokes in hopes that they would make him laugh but no pun in ten did
My 9-year-old and I passed a store with a sign that read “Watch Batteries Installed - $5.” He seemed confused: “Who would pay to watch batteries installed?”
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy
My skiing skills are really going downhill
I'm so bright, my mother calls me "son"
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines
My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins
What do you call a Spanish pig? Porque
"I only have spades, diamonds, and clubs," Tom said heartlessly
"I dedicate this to my dad, who was a roofer. Dad, if you're up there..."
When I went to college I was going to join the debating team but someone talked me out of it
I was reading a book about anti-gravity; I couldn't put it down!
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
How do turtles communicate with each other? With shell phones
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch? Tea, Rex?
I just had a near-sex experience… My whole wife flashed before my eyes
How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed
I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii!
Why is Queen considered a rock group when Mercury is a heavy metal?
Why was the king one foot tall? Because he was a RULER!
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside
A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now
It was raining cats and dogs. I stepped into a poodle
What did the mermaid wear to math class? An algae-bra
What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing
Why do French people eat snails? Because they won’t touch fast food
A man tells his doctor: “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” The doctor replies: “Sorry, I don’t follow you…”
Proper punctuation can make the difference between a sentence that's well-written and a sentence that's, well, written
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta
I have the body of a 17 year old... in my trunk
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet; I don't know why
I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop any time
My dad brought home a feral tiger without telling my mom first; it's tearing our family apart
Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
What did Al Gore play on his guitar? An Algorithm
The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds
Why are there no cats on Mars? Because of Curiosity
I was going to be a mortician but they told me it was a dying trade
What did the necromancer use to style his hair? A catacomb
And then it hit me; I really shouldn't call my wife "it"
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight? All of those sleepless knights
What’s so great about whiteboards? If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It’s a complex complex complex
I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning, but I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow!
What do you call a thieving alligator? A crookodile
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
What is Forrest Gump’s email password? 1Forrest1
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out
The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery
What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo
I knew I was destined to be a psychologist not a magician when I pulled a habit out of a rat
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence
I think the biggest joke in life is that lawyers can't judge you
Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off
I bought some shoes on the drug black market. I don’t know what they’re laced with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me
What do you call a tissue that is sleeping? A napkin
The lumberjack loved his new computer. He especially enjoyed logging in
I don't see the humor in blind jokes
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying outside your front door? Matt
What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline
Why did the storm trooper end up with an iPhone? Because he couldn't find the droid he was looking for
How many times should you tickle a squid to laugh? Ten tickles
Shout out to sidewalks for keeping me off the streets
Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they’re having trouble installing Windows
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck
I told my mom I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti, you should have seen her face when I rode straight pasta
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!
One of the less difficult blanks to fill in on our job-agency application is "Position Wanted." One job seeker wrote "Sitting."
I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash
What does a spy do in the rain? He goes undercover
I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes
Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah
Being struck by lightning is a shocking experience
People are choosing cremation over traditional burial. It shows that they are thinking out of the box
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant
Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak
People don't like jokes about electrons because they're taken negatively
On the other hand, you have different fingers
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night. My dreams have never been clearer
What do you call an overweight psychic? A four-chin teller
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up on its own? It was two tired
What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison
I love you from my head tomatoes
Last time I got caught stealing a calendar. I got 12 months
If you are always straightening things, you have OCD. If you are always eating things, you have OBCD
I dug up a worm for fishing. It's the end of the line for him
I don't trust these stairs because they're always up to something
The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting, then it let me down
My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? You are too young to smoke
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road? She wanted to stretch her legs.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans"
I used to have an ant farm... Those critters didn't grow a thing!
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks
What kind of cats like to go bowling? Alley cats
Is your iPad making you fall asleep? I can help - there’s a nap for that
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!"