When you were a kid, did you believe that MC Hammer's "U Can't Touch This" was a warning to children not to play with hammers? Did you think that babies came out of your butt? Maybe you thought that the moon was made of ice and could only come out at night so that the sun wouldn't melt it? If you answered yes to any of these then this list is for you. Compiled by Bored Panda, this hilarious collection of weird and wonderful things that people believed when they were kids is sure to make you laugh. Believe us!
My dad was a manager at a local business and he would come home every few months talking about how he had to fire someone. In my four year old mind I pictured him taking bad employees to a small concrete structure in a remote location, putting them inside, and lighting them on fire. Had no idea it was just telling someone they can't work there anymore.
And somehow I was okay with my father being a serial killer, because Dad can do no wrong.
As a kid I thought when a woman was getting chased by a bad guy on TV, I would think why won't the cameraman help her.
“I thought that ‘your penis would grow’ meant I’d grow more penises [as I got older].
You have no idea what the drawings of my grandpa looked like.”
That I was special and that someday I'd meet a girl who'd love me for me. Thanks a lot mom.
That I was married to a family friend. I remember getting dressed up when I was about 3 and walking down the aisle with this girl. When I was 9 I learned that it was my cousin's wedding and that I was the ring bearer and she was the flower girl.
That white people pooped white. I'm an African American, so maybe you can understand the confusion.
“I thought you were pregnant the moment you had your period and the boy closest to you was the father. When I first got my period I was 9 and it was during Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I screamed all the way home because I thought Quasimodo made me pregnant and I was going to have an ugly baby.”
When I was a kid I used to think our cat was called 'In or out'
Right around the time i began to hit puberty i got a pug. A few weeks after we got him, blonde hair began coming in all over my body. For awhile after that i was unbellieveably scared that i was slowly morphing into a pug. This also affected my relationship with the dog because as much as i loved him, i kept thinking to myself i dont know if i can turn into a pug for him. then we learned about puberty in health class and i realized that i wasnt turning into a dog.
I used to think that people laughed into their remote controls and that's why we could hear people laughing on a television show.
When I was a kid I thought dogs and cats were the same species; just dogs were male and cats were female. Blew my little 7 year old mind when my dog got pregnant!
I thought that I was a secret-agent-alien with my own TV show for the people back on the "home planet". Kind of a sort of Exposing earthlings type thing. Every Saturday I would quite literally narrate my entire day, from morning to night, explaining how the Earth works and begging "them" to "please please please come and bring me back home soon". I did this until I was around 8, and my mother has most episodes of my TV show on tape.
I used to believe that teachers lived at school inside of their classrooms.
I thought that people with large butts just held their poop in for too long.
When I was 4 my mom was 9 months pregnant with my brother and we got into a minor car accident that forced her into labor. So until about 3rd grade I thought you had to get into a car accident to have a baby.
That adults had everything figured out. That when I got to college, I would miraculously know what it was I wanted to do with my life, find the perfect job after I graduated and maintain a stable group of amazing friends who helped me along the way.
I spent my first 8 years in Russia where sex was a topic that was never discussed. As a result, I had no idea about it. I mean, none.
I thought that babies came as a result of liking someone a lot. I had a huge crush on some boy in my 1st grade class and at one point when I was constipated, I thought it was our child forming. I remember thinking, "oh no, I'm too young for this!"
I convinced myself that my saliva would work like a narcotic on chocolate easter bunnies, so they would't feel the pain of me eating them.
I made sure to lick their ears carefully, then wait a few seconds until the stupefaction set in before munching them down.
“I spent a pretty long time thinking gay sex was when two men stabbed at each other with their penises, sword-fighting style. Boy, was I wrong.”
True story: When I was a kid, I thought that MC Hammer's "U Can't Touch This" was a warning to kids not to play with hammers.
I thought that everyone heard the same thing but it sounded different to foreigners.
So when a spanish person said 'Hola' i presumed their friend would hear the noise of 'hello' and it was just people from different countries that heard it differently.
When I was little I thought the two prices on the backs of books for US & Canada were different bc you got charged more if you were Canadian.
When I was 5 or so, I used to think that everything 100 years ago was all black and white, clothes, buildings, whatever. All because of black and white photographs. :(
“I thought that men got pregnant with boys and women got pregnant with girls.”
I used to believe that quitting something 'cold turkey' meant that you ate cold turkey instead of smoking or doing whatever else they're trying to quit. I figured that since cold turkey doesn't sound that delicious, they must be so distracted by how annoying cold turkey tastes that they forget about their addiction.
I figured the moon was made of ice. And it only came out at night so the sun couldn't melt it.
We had very ill fitting windows when I was a child.
My parents would often complain about keeping the curtains closed to keep the 'draughts' out.
I naturally assumed they were saying 'giraffes'.
Spent a few years living in fear that angry giraffes roamed the neigbourhood and would smash through any uncovered windows to try and get to the light.
I used to believe that sex was only done in the hospital, and doctors would watch as the couple had sex. I believed this until I was 13.
I believed that each child was born with some sort of tool/appliance or whatever to symbolize what they'd become when they grow up. Like, if you were going to become a doctor, you'd be born with a stethoscope and they'd keep it for you till you grow into your role.
When I was about four, our kindergarden teacher told us that there would be a fire simulation in the next few weeks when the firemen would come to our school. I was terrified, because I thought they would set our school on fire to teach us what to do in case a real fire started, and I was unsure whether the firemen would be able to deal with the fire before everything was destroyed.
Not me but when we were little my brother honestly believed he could grow up to be an ice cream truck. Not an ice cream man, an ice cream truck.
That the bands would actually be on stand by at the radio station and perform live in the studio. Every band from Backstreet boys to Elvis.
Once when I was a kid, I heard my mum fart and when I asked if that was her she replied: "No, mothers have lost their capapility to fart." For the longest time I believed her and couldn't wait until I bacame a mum so I didn't have to fart anymore.
“When I use to see guys with sagging pants, I thought their penises were extremely long and that’s why their pants were so low.”
That there were spaghetti farms....every time we drive by a field with hay on it my Dad told me it was a spaghetti farm...
That sex was just kissing naked. It's all I ever saw on t.v. sex scenes that slipped by my parents "don't look!" stage. When I finally had "the talk" with my dad he started off talking about sperm and how it makes babies. Freaked out, I yelled "it goes in her mouth?!" Still thinking that it was just kissing naked.
After seeing some sort of Egyptian exhibit at a museum as a child, I asked repeatedly on the way home why there were only mummies and no daddies.
The daddy issues started young with this one.
“Until I was 16 I thought male pubic hair covered the whole penis. Like the whole thing. All of it.”
When I was little I thought birds were having important meetings when they sat together on the telephone wires.
I thought the big sound barrier walls on the side of the highway were to keep back elephants.
I thought this because my father told me that's what they were for.
I thought that it was really smart that my great grandparents had had the foresight to name my grandpa Grandpa.
That all of the children living in Great Britain got to have tea with the Queen once in their lives
I mixed up the words 'matches' and 'mattresses', so when people told me "don't play with matches" I thought they meant that mattresses were dangerous things prone to catching on fire if you played on them. I wondered why we would sleep on something so dangerous. Never had the joy of jumping on the bed until much later in life, when I learned the difference between the two, and that jumping on the bed would not result in spontaneous combustion.
I thought baby showers involved actual showering. This was supported by the fact that my mom wouldn't let me go because only women were going.
I thought that when you ate food, it went all the way down to your feet, then filled up from there.
When I was little my big sister told me to say hi and be nice to the mannequins at the mall because they were people too!
There are far fewer Tunnel of Love rides than cartoons would have you believe.
That the black market was actually at some secret location where people came and had stands like you would at a farmers market and if the police came everyone took their stuff down and ran away before they'd get caught.
That my mom grew up in a black and white world because all pictures of her childhood were black and white.
I used to think that if a child wore glasses, that child was smart. This didn't mean that I thought children who didn't wear glasses were not smart, just that wearing glasses was a reliable indicator. Then, Mary Beth C. got glasses, and I KNEW she wasn't smart. There went the glasses=smart theory.
Growing up I thought people shooting guns at my feet and saying "dance" was going to be more of an issue
The area I grew up in is surrounded by mountains. It's basically a bowl. When I was but a wee lad I used to think that nothing existed beyond these mountains and that if I were to scale the tallest peak of the highest mountain all I would see beyond in every direction forever would be mountains.
“Until I was 8 I thought babies came out of your butt.”
I thought women got pregnant by overeating. I told my mom to eat more so I could have a little brother.
When you eat an apple and accidentally swallowed the seeds, an apple tree would grow inside you.
I used to squeeze my balls because I thought I would pee faster.
I saw a lot of Geico commercials. I thought that "15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance" meant that the longer you talked on the phone, the more money you would save. If you could keep them busy for 100 minutes, your insurance was free!
“I used to think that the penis moved itself, like some weird psychosexual robot. The girl would turn the guy on and lie down and the guy would position himself and his dick would, like, have at it.”
For the longest time when I was a kid I thought the nazis in The Sound of Music were saying "Hi, Hitler".
When my dad said something cost "Fifty bucks" I thought he was trading deer for merchandise. I finally got curious and asked him if they were live bucks or dead ones, and where exactly was he keeping all these deer anyway.
That the words on maps were actually giant letters in the sky.
They were not.
I always assumed Santa was a first generation Ukrainian immigrant with a drinking problem.
Turns out my parents just took me to the cheap mall.
I thought my dad was black... I went to a catholic school with all white people at the time. My dad was just a really tan white guy. The story of how I found out my dad was not black was great. It was MLK day and I told my mom "Mom, I am so happy for MLK because if it were not for him you and dad might not be together today." She then told me the truth. I was pretty shocked to say the least lol.
When I was 8 I asked my dad if we could go to disneyland, he told me we didn't have enough money for it, so I suggested we go to the bank to get some. Thats when he had to explain he needs to put the money in before he can take it out. This notion seemed like madness to me, I couldn't figure out what the point of it was, though he did try to explain it to me...but at that moment I realized money doesn't magically come out of an ATM machine.
You know how cigarettes come with health warnings on the box? Well, one of the warnings used to be "Cigarettes cause impotence", and since I was a kid and didn't know what "impotence" was, I assumed they just made a spelling mistake and meant to write "Cigarettes cause importance". I thought it meant that if you smoke cigarettes, it would make you more important. Which I thought weird, since being important is a good thing
When I was 4 I overheard my mom talking to my dad about a doctor's appointment she had. I asked her if she was going to see Dr. Pepper, as I believed this was the only doctor there was.
“I used to think that if a man touched a woman’s boobs she would get pregnant. Just automatically, as soon as she was touched, she started growing a fetus. Like, boob touch… POOF! Pregnant!”
I thought Jello was alien meat.
I thought that islands were actually land floating on the sea and that you could swim under them if you tried.
I thought my food had feelings even after I ate it. So I'd constantly ask my parents "Will the food be happy in my tummy?" and I'd also "save it for later" because I didn't want the food to be mad at me. To be fair, it was primarily stuff like chicken & beef, not just fruits and vegetables haha. :p I'd also tell each bite "Goodbye here's a hug & a kiss." I was a weird kid.
That if I ate watermelon seeds then drank water, a watermelon would grow inside of me.
Not directly related to Santa Claus, but when I first heard of Cupid from classical mythology, I immediately thought of Cupid, one of Santa's reindeer. I figured they must be one and the same, since they're both mythological figures who can fly. When asked how this is possible, I explained that Cupid is an angel the rest of the year, but transforms himself into a reindeer at Christmastime. The other reindeer can do this too, but they tend to keep on the down-low because they're shy.
I used to think that there were little people inside traffic lights who pressed buttons to make them change from green to yellow to red.
“I used to think sex consisted of each person literally kissing each other’s butt cheeks.”
“When I was younger, I thought that for some strange reason ‘spooning’ was putting a spoon up your partner’s butt to relieve constipation. My friends would talk about spooning and I would just visualize a cold spoon and shiver.”
For a few weeks straight, I was absolutely convinced that I was the Wind God.
I had this blue fly swatter, and whenever I lifted it into the air the wind would blow. It was happening so consistently that I felt comfortable showing my friends my special power. Of course, it stopped working. Turns out it was just windy for a few weeks during fall, and I was not the Wind God.
I thought that languages were all just ciphers of each other. Like I thought it was possible to translate a word into any language by translating it one letter at a time.
For some reason, I thought sealing air in a bag would result in a zero gravity environment.
My mom would pack my lunch in a plastic grocery bag and I vividly remember blowing air into the bag while I still had some food left in it and would wonder why my food wasn't floating around in the bag.
I remember asking my father why does the moon follow our car everywhere when we are driving at night
When I was a child I was afraid of being in a horror movie so I'd sing copyrighted songs and mention competitive brands. That way I knew I wasn't in a movie.
My mom frequently used to say "if you believe that I've got some swamp land in Florida to sell you." When I was ten or so my Mom was upset over some money problems and I told her- "you can just sell that swamp land that you have in Florida." I felt very silly but at least it cheered her up.
“I thought that when a woman wanted a baby she’d write a letter and burn it. Then the spirit of multiple babies would come and sniff her butt. The one that liked it the most would be her baby.”
Growing up I thought Sheryl Crow's name was Cher L. Crow. Sometimes when I'm down, I still like to think that.
When I was a kid, I thought having diabetes was the deepest darkest secret you could have. Thanks, Babysitters Club.
I thought a bear lived in our fridge. I have no idea why, and no idea how I managed to explain never seeing it.
I believed that after I left school everyone stopped carrying on with their lives, until I saw them the next day. Like robots.
That the underground railroad was literally a railroad. I mean yeah it's great that a loose network of abolitionists helped slaves to freedom but it would have been way cooler if it was a real railroad. You take an escaped slave, lead him into a cave and this train pulls up and it's like "all aboard the FREEDOM TRAIN!" choo choo
I was convinced that if I didn't pull out a wedgie my pants would have a hole in them because my mum said that my bum was hungry and was eating my pants but I was scared if I pulled it out my fingers would get bitten off
I thought ants lived in the car antennae and played tiny little instruments.
I used to think that shoulder blades are where your wings grow from when you become an angel.
I believed someone sat and watched cameras at each traffic light and decided when to change them. I would get so mad at them when we were stuck at a light for too long.
I believed that my uncle who passed away was the man in the moon. I thought I could see his face in the moon.
That as long as I tucked the bed covers under my feet the monsters couldn't grab me.
That I had psychic powers, but I was unable to use them yet, as I was too young. One day they'll come... One day...
My parents told me that the bread crusts were the healthiest parts of the bread, presumably so that I'd eat them. I believed that until I was 14.
If you lifted a dog's tail and looked up it's butt, you could see out of the dog's eyes. Thanks dad.
Having no understanding of relative weight and lift, as a little kid I was convinced that if you could snag a bird in something like a bag and hold on to it, you'd be lifted along with it when it tried to fly upward. Fortunately, I never had occasion to test this
When I was little my dad told me that when he got something in his eye he used to go to the hospital where they would take our his eyeball which was on a long string and wash it in a bowl! For ages I thought our eyes could be taken out on long strings!
When I was about 4 or 5, I asked my mom what happened to the bath water once it went down the drain. She told me it went to a plant. She meant a water refinery plant, but for a while after that, I thought that somewhere out there was a plant so big it needed everyone's bath water to grow.
I used to believe that when I turned 6 I would turn into a boy! My brother and sister had me convinced their baby pictures were each others. I think I was more nervous the day before my 6th birthday then any other day in my life.
At home when I was bored, my mother would tell me to go outside and lay on the ground because I might be able to see Pegasus, the mythological Greek flying horse. So I'd lay out in the yard all day looking up at the sky for Pegasus and being very quiet so not to scare him away. I just knew he'd fly by at any time.
I used to believe that for pee, I had to press my bellybutton.
“When I was a kid, I used to think that if someone didn’t flush the toilet and they had gone pee (and they were the opposite sex of you) and you went pee too that it would make a baby.”
“When I was in kindergarten a classmate told me that having sex was when you took little toy dinosaurs and rubbed them on your private parts and I believed her.”
“I used to think that balls were inside the penis instead of being two separate things.”
“I thought the hymen covered the entire entrance of the vagina, and I was convinced that in order to have sex the penis would have to puncture the hymen like punching through a wall.”
When I was a kid I thought I'd get sucked into way more mirrors as an adult.
When i was a kid i thought grapefruits were called Great Fruits because there is already a grapefruit (grapes) and they are great.
I believed that the name on a funeral home was for your family. Thus, if it was Jenkins' funeral home, all the Jenkins had to be buried there. It used to upset me thinking how far some people had to travel to get to their family's funeral home.
You were rich if you had a refrigerator with a built in ice maker.
Gnomes lived under my bed and if I let my arm dangle off the bed while I was sleeping, they'd kidnap me and make me their queen. You know. In accordance with gnome monarchical tradition.
I was convinced that brown and white cows produced chocolate milk and that black and white cows produced white milk... I grew up in Wisconsin and saw cows on a regular basis.. I was a very confused kid.
I thought if someone kissed me we were married.
I thought the Easter Bunny was a 7 foot tall monster that would kill me mercilessly if I set foot downstairs before it had finished hiding the eggs.
I used to think adults could read my mind and that when people turned 18 you magically gained the gift of reading children's minds.
I used to believe that whatever the weather was where I was, then it was that weather all over the planet. Like if it was raining by me, then it was raining all over the Earth at the same time.
I thought I was the only one who saw things in 1st person, and everyone else saw themselves in 3rd person.
I thought that there was ocean under all land. I was always terrified that a shark might rip through the ground and eat me.
I thought that there were little ant people in my stomach who lived a in a little hut and lived in family units. They dressed like peasants. Their job was to take the food I ate for themselves and make poop to push outside my body. When my cousin told me that if I ate seeds the fruit would grow inside of me, I purposely started eating watermelon seeds to reward the ant people for their hard work.
When I was in 1st grade, I heard adults say Google knew everything so I wondered why police didn't use it to find criminals' locations. I came up with my own conclusion that is because Google knows everything, Google will also tell the criminals that now the police already know where they are and they would run away. Since it's a waste of time, the two sides agree not to use it.
When I was little, my mom told me that when there was a thunder and lightning storm that my papa and his angel friends were bowling in heaven.
When I was little I thought broccoli were little trees from a world of little people. I have no idea where that idea came from.
When I was a kid, I thought when you moved you had to find someone who wanted to live in your home and trade with them.
That if no eyes were laid upon me, including my own, my skin was green. Have no idea why I thought this. Maybe I'm one of this reptilianizers.
My mom once told me to pull my arms into my shirt so she could spin it around. I some how got it in my head that she spun my torso around and then I tried to do it for years. Good times.
I used to think that characters that die in movies actually get killed. This leads me to the only reasonable conclusion that they are all criminals given a last chance to leave their mark on the world... Rip imagination.
That my dolls and toys came alive when I slept. I hope to god they didn't...
I thought that you had a set amount of blood. I didn't realize that the body makes more. So I freaked out at any cut because I thought I was losing something that I couldn't get back and that it would eventually lead to death if I lost enough through these tiny cuts.
When people got fired from their job, they were blindfolded and a firing squad would shoot them.
Fan death. That sleeping with the fan on would kill me in my sleep.
I was sure that if I worked out, went to Karate, and practiced hard enough I could shoot beams of energy out of my hands like in Dragon Ball Z.
I was about 4 years old on a boat trip round a harbour when the tour guide pointed some big old ships moored at the side of the harbour explaining that the boats were "being run with just a Skeleton Crew". I turned to my dad an exclaimed,"Eugh, imagine having to step over all those dead bodies"
As a child with nothing to do, my mother would give me a salt shaker and tell me if I could put salt on a bird's tail, I could catch it. I spent many days running around trying to put salt on a bird's tail and never succeeded.
You know how kids get balloons at birthday parties and stuff? I always took them home and they stuck around until they started deflating, at which point they would disappear. I thought that balloons disappeared once they started to deflate. Turns out, my mom would throw them away while I was out of the house because she knew I would be distressed by the loss of my balloon. I didn't realize the truth until I was like 9 or 10.
Little kid me thought that you had a random chance at shitting out a baby when you pooped. I checked every time. No one taught me anything, I guess you can say.
“Until very recently I had this conceptualization that penises were like vaginas but inside out, spongy, and self-lubricating, kind of like slugs. This meant that I was extra horrified when men left the bathroom without washing their hands, because I imagined them covered in some sort of penis juice.”
“I accidentally saw my dad’s penis when I was around 3 or 4, but then somehow changed the memory of this in my mind so that it had looked like a unicorn horn. I legit thought that penises looked like unicorn horns until the third grade.”
When I was a kid, I thought that scene in Ghostbusters where Dan Ackroyd got a spooky BJ was a ghost taking off his belt cuz he ate too much.
I thought that when there where "walks to find the cure", I actually believed they where searching on the ground for the cure.
I was confused as to why firemen were heroes. Grammar error on the part of my 4-year-old self; I thought that they put fires out... as in placed them out in the world.
For the longest time I thought that Dire Straits was the name of the one musician. As in Mr and Mrs Straits named their son 'Dire'.
I thought each individual streetlight was operated and controlled by someone below that intersection.
I thought people spontaneously switched gender between ages 10 and 30. I didn't think it happened to everyone. I have no idea why I thought this.
That woman gave birth to girls and men have birth to boys. Took me a bit to get my head round the truth especially with my young self exclaiming that being female "wasn't fair"!
My parents told me something similar. The speech was something along the lines of "When a mommy and daddy like each other and kiss and stuff, something from the daddy goes into the mommy to make a baby."
Based on the explanation, I assumed that kissing was the important part and it was some substance inside saliva that caused babies to happen. They weren't very amused when I started asking them why two mommies couldn't have a baby in front of my very conservative grandparents.
While I was still in preschool I used to think that steaks and ribs were actual animals, not parts of an animal.
I thought I would shrink if I stayed in the bathtub too long.
I believed that African American people saw everyone as brown people because their eyes are brown.
If I didn't haul ass up the stairs after getting an ice pop in the basement the "monster under the stairs" would grab my legs and pull me down into the depths with him.
When I was 6 I used to think that Cream of Mushroom Soup was actually called "Queen of Mushrooms" Soup. When we were grocery shopping one day I warned my parents not to buy it because if they made too much of the soup the Queen of Mushrooms to lose her mushroom forest. My mom took a can off the shelf and told me to read the label. I felt so silly!
I thought if someone asked something and said please you had no choice but to do it (I think my dad told me this once when I wouldn't do something).
I thought a contract killer was someone who kills people who break a contract.
I used to believe that if someone hit you on your back when you're eyes were wide open your eyes would pop out of their sockets.
I used to think the store Lord & Taylor was called "Lorden Taylor." I used to call stunt doubles "stunt devils." I thought it was "ultra-violent" instead of ultraviolet.
I used to think that all the old black and white photos of my family I used to see was because the world used to be black and white...
For the longest time when I was a little kid I thought I could only eat soup while humming. I have no idea why I thought this (and it was only with soup, for some reason). I can't even imagine how annoying it must have been for anyone else eating with me, but one day I just realized I didn't have to hum and so I stopped.
“…There was a commercial for glow-in-the-dark condoms claiming that they protected you in the bedroom and kept you safe… All I could imagine was this little glowing robot that sat on your bedroom floor at night.”
“I used to think people got pregnant because the couple sat down together and had a special meal, like a special herb or root, which made the woman pregnant.”
“When one of my friends was a kid, they thought a woman became pregnant when the dad elbowed the mom in the stomach. True story.”
Growing up I knew this kid named Colin Crawford and he told everyone he was related to Cindy Crawford and we all just believed him.
When I was kid I used to think sweatshops were gyms...haha.
I thought sex was when two adults just rubbed together naked and hoped that they got pregnant.
That my future spouse would have as many spots on her face as the number of rice grains I did not finish eating on the plate...
That all chicken nuggets were called "Chicken McNuggets".
I was terrified of Charlie Chaplin. He was in my nightmares. I thought he was evil personified.
Dogs were the males and cats the females of the same species.
That everyone is born a boy. If you were meant to be a girl then it would just change over time.
Girls peed through their butt
That losing a game of Yu-Gi-Oh, would actually send me to the shadow realm
I thought that 911 was the number you called for fire/emergency because that was the temperature fire burned at (i.e 911 degrees farenheit).
I thought the police didn't have to follow the law and could do whatever they want. My reasoning was they were the enforcers of the law so who would arrest them or whatever? I wondered why all the bad people didn't just become cops so they could do crimes with impunity.
My brother's friend told me when I was little that he had once found a snail in the crust of his pizza, in one of those crust bubbles. For years after that, I carefully dissected every crust bubble before eating my pizza.