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If you've read any Bible teachings, you'll know that Old Testament God is a major asshole. Petty, vain, vindictive, and genocidally violent, he gleefully wrought havoc on his creations before his son eventually showed up with more merciful corrections of God's plans.

So what was up with his creation story in those days, when he was busy making the complex wonders of the world that he would go on to torture sadistically? This collection of tongue-in-cheek religious jokes, collected by us here at Bored Panda, hilariously imagines God's creation strategies as he came up with the animals, the sun, the planets and yes, even those little hell-raisers that he created in his own, twisted image: us. Scroll down below to check the best tweets we've found out for yourself, and don't forget to vote for your 'God creating animals' favorites! (Facebook cover image: Charlie Day)

#4

Funny-God-Creating-Things-Tweets

NewDadNotes Report

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glowworm2 avatar
glowworm2
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5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I can picture this entire scenario and can't stop laughing!

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Sel Bonda
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

God: but you are unique. Lap up some more water and check out that pearly gate post! And, the bond with your female would be "binding"! Go and multiply...

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meow point1
Community Member
3 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Corgi: Liar! God: I meant that's what *dogs'* legs are supposed to look like. [whippet walks by] Corgi: *death glare*

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Marnee DeRider
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5 years ago

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They look so short because thoughtless humans thought it would be cute to produce a dog that is cute but deformed and not really able to take care of itself. Kind of like if men bred women to be have huge breasts and unable to defend themselves. It's really disgusting that people breed animals to be cute, but have deformities that leave them at a disadvantage. REALLY disgusting. And if you call yourself and animal-lover, you are a hypocrit if you call yourself that because you die every time you see a "cute" animal that is "cute" because some human bred them into some caricature of the dimension that people find cute because of the relationship to children (big head, small limbs, basically, and for some reason fluffy, even though kids aren't fluffy).

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#5

Funny-God-Creating-Things-Tweets

themiltron Report

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Kjorn
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5 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

ANGEL: How can i make it undrinkable? GOD: pee in it! That way it will be salty

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#8

Funny-God-Creating-Things-Tweets

thedad Report

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Hans
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5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Well, at least according to the old testament god would not really be vegan. Or is sacrifying but not eating an animal vegan? I guess not...

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#9

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diet-tampon Report

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#11

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themiltron Report

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Luis Milian
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5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

he could have kept the part that they die once their needle on its butts comes off...

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#13

Funny-God-Creating-Things-Tweets

NewDadNotes Report

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Gonzalo Terán
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5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

GOD: "And for $20 more, I´ll not freeze your a*s off to extinction down the line..." MAMMOTH: "Those were my last $20, I don´t have any money left..." GOD: "Though luck, buddy"

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#15

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roxiqt Report

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Hans
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5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Oh, did you never see a coconut nurture their young? Remember, they are nocturnal!

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#18

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roboticcrab Report

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-
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5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

OOOOOOOOOOF (cause, you know, when there was a swarm of frogs to try and free the people from the egyptians?)

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#23

Funny-God-Creating-Things-Tweets

NewDadNotes Report

#24

Funny-God-Creating-Things-Tweets

ginadivittorio Report

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Aaron Kara
Community Member
5 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

G: Give it the perpetual muscle structure of Dwayne The Rock Johnson - A: Who's Dway- - G: Something I've been working on

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#26

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DitzMcGeee Report

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athornedrose
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

God: no spoilers gecko! that hasn't happened yet! your time will come!

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#27

Funny-God-Creating-Things-Tweets

roboticcrab Report

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LOttawa
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5 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Wouldn't God say OMM (oh my me) instead of OMG (oh my God)?lolll

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#28

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ArfMeasures Report

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Tim P.
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5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Good call big guy! Made them economic too! They just eat the grass in the yard

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#32

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david8hughes Report

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released kraken
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

and also you only live about 13 years because your body grows old faster than humans

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#34

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Mostly_Cheese Report

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Amanda Ferraz
Community Member
5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There was a study in Brazil, comparing a public bathroom door (not those chemical stalls), a supermarket cart handle and a money bill. I don't remember the exact "winner", just know that bathroom was the less dirty and I think the cart handle was the dirtiest...

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#36

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prakhrrrr Report

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Gaurav Joshi
Community Member
5 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

angels: but aren't those poisonous! God: also make some of them transparent !!!

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#39

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NoTheOtherJohn Report

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chi-wei shen
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5 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"What if one of those f****d a saber tooth tiger" Did BoredPanda forget to censor?

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#46

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jtp-art Report

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Savant
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5 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

and they die when it's too dry or when they touch salt and turn into black sludge which is then forever stuck there...

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