Nobody really likes going to the doctors do they? I mean, that antiseptic smell, the silence of the waiting room except for the odd groan and sniffle, and don’t get me started on those magazines.
However as far as the potential for awkward situations go, going to the doc’s can be comedy gold. From hilariously misinformed (read: dumb) patients, to doctors with a wickedly dry sense of humour, we at Bored Panda have compiled a list of occasions when doctor/patient interactions were just too funny.
Scroll down to check them out below, and don’t forget to vote for your favorite!
Guy comes into the emergency department via Ambulance with burns on his lower extremities. His shoes are charred and the bottoms of his pants are definitely burned away but his skin isn't so bad. He had been trying to use a propane-powered weed burner in his yard (think flame thrower) and things got a little out of control. I smelled alcohol on his breath so I asked the guy if he had been drinking and he looked me directly in the eye and said, "Nooooo". I got drunk just standing next to him. It was a once in a lifetime set up and I couldn't help myself. As straight faced and professionally as possible I said, "Sir...liar, liar, pants on fire". The paramedics all turned at once and ran out of the room they were laughing so hard! The patient just stared at me. He was so drunk it went totally over his head.
Surgeon here. Was doing varicose veins surgery on a very posh middle aged lady. Very cut class accent. There was an anaesthetic that we used that sometimes induced some hallucinations either going under or coming out of anaesthesia and heard some funny things.
Anyway this lady was in recovery just coming out of the anaesthetic. The team were around waiting for her to wake up and gag a little on the tube in her throat (for breathing) so we knew it was time to remove it. She gagged, we removed the tube, she smacked her lips and said loudly, in her incredible accent:
'That's the best bit of cock I have had in years!'
The whole recovery room just fell about laughing. Luckily she didn't remember it.
As I leaned in to check her eyes, my older patient got a little frisky.
“You remind me of my third husband,” she said coyly.
“Third husband?” I asked. “How many have you had?”
When I came out from having my wisdom teeth pulled I apparently shot up, looked at the doctor and said "Charlatan! I demand you return my teeth! They are mine and I will choose where they are to be spent!" My dad said he couldn't stop laughing because I wouldn't leave without them. When I woke up at home I asked my dad why my teeth were in a plastic bag on the table, he told me everything and promptly started calling me Lord Molar for the rest of the night.
When I went to the ER to have a painful ingrown toenail removed, I was sobbing, gagging, petrified … the works. But my doctor knew how to calm me down.
“Don’t worry about a thing,” he assured me. “I just looked up how to perform this operation on YouTube.”
“Here,” says the nurse, handing the patient a urine specimen container. “The bathroom’s over there.” A few minutes later, the patient comes out of the bathroom.
“Thanks,” he says, returning the empty container. “But there was a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all.”
Was at a urologist in a hospital and there were a couple of power cuts. Lights dipped out, generators kicked in.
As he's finishing the examination, mid-sentence, the lights go out again. He gets up and walks out to check on things.
Fifteen minutes later I'm still sat on the bed with my old chap out and pants around my ankles. A nurse walks past the open door and does one of those comedy double-takes.
"....do you...do you have an appointment?"
Turns out the doc had actually finished the examination, and returned to the ward some 15 minutes ago. To the nurse I was just some guy who had walked in and pulled his pants down and left the door open.
Not a doctor, but my human sexuality professor in grad school had some interesting stories. He worked a lot in very conservative Christian communities and so a lot of times people got married with no sex education. One couple was in therapy because neither one of them enjoyed sex or ever had an orgasm. After having them talk through step by step what they did in bed, he learned the guy was just sticking it in and nothing else. He told the guy to move back and forth next time and see what happened. They couple came back one more time to say "THANK YOU!!!!!" and didn't need any more sessions.
I asked a female patient with dementia what year it is. She said, "Oh, my, no, that's far too personal to discuss in polite company. A nice young lady like you shouldn't be concerned with such things."
I didn't bother pointing out that I'm not a lady. I figured if she didn't notice the beard, then she wasn't going to understand an explanation either.
My patient announced she had good news … and bad. “The medicine for my earache worked,” she said.
“What’s the bad news?” I asked.
“It tasted awful.”
Since she was feeling better, I didn’t have the heart to tell her they’re called eardrops for a reason.
I took care of an 11 year old boy in the ER a little while back. I gave him ketamine for a fracture reduction, or in other words setting and splinting of a broken bone. As he was coming around he started with typical stream of consciousness babbling and then he seemed to snap awake to say "I'm fuckin liiiiiit I'm gonna do so many drugs when I get older" to the amusement of his parents. They thought it was funny and cute but I'm pretty sure I created a monster.
I am an ER doc. I once had a 20 year old and his girlfriend come in at 2 am freaking out becuase "something had tore his throat open". He seemed fine. No blood. Breathing fine. I had him open his mouth, saw nothing. So didn't want him to lose confidence in me, clearly something had happened, so I'm looking, and looking....there is nothing wrong with this kids throat. Finally I say look, it seems ok...what do you feel or see? "I dont feel it but LOOK ITS RIGHT THERE". WHERE??? Looking, looking. It was his uvula. Somehow this kid had gotten to the age of 20 without ever noticing his uvula. Girlfriend was also horrified....I told them it was normal. Did not believe me. So I told them I was about to blow their minds and showed him his girlfriends uvula. Minds blown, another life saved in the ER.
An older lady was brought into the ED barely conscious by her husband. In a very thick Italian accent she told the doctor she was dying. She had complained of feeling tingly and having a dry mouth prior to passing out.
The doctor sat the husband down and they did a history. No serious medical problems and she was very fit. In fact she spent the morning cleaning her sons bar, as she often did on a Sunday morning.
Considering her age they took these symptoms very seriously and begun running tests to find the source of her ailments.
The son came in to visit his mother, and on the way he bypassed his bar. He noticed that his mother had helped herself to some of the 'treats' prepared the night before.
The son, the apple of his parents eye, had to then explain to his father and the doctor that the treats she had enjoyed were space cakes. And apparently she really enjoyed them as she ate quite a few.
They then had to sit down and tell this elderly lady that she was not dying, and that she was in fact stoned!
Fortunately she was still high enough to see the humour.
RN here. I see some crazy stuff, but one thing that stands out was the time I was admitting a guy to the hospital. I can't really remember what for but he was about 400lbs, diabetic, heart disease, you name it. Anyhow I'm at the computer going over some admission questions with him and his 10 family members who are crowded in the room with him. A few minutes in he starts complaining that he's thirsty. He needs something to drink RIGHT NOW. So I get on my phone and call the nurse assistant and as her to bring in some ice water. As soon as the words are out of my mouth the whole family screams "NOOOO! NO WATER! HES ALLERGIC TO WATER!"
Well this is gonna be a problem. Turns out the guy had been drinking nothing but sprite and sweet tea for years because of his "water allergy".
The next question the wife had was "where are we all supposed to sleep?" The whole family, 10 people, were planning to stay at he hospital with him.
You can't make this shit up.
Went about an anal problem. The doctor put his finger up to check all was ok, I made a slight noise and he asked if I was ok. And this is when I said "That's nice", instead of "That's ok".
I hope I'm not too late. I have a friend that works in a doctors office in Amish Country in Pennsylvania. They had an Amish couple come in, saying that the wife couldn't get pregnant. They ran a couple tests, and everything was coming up normal. So then they gave him a cup and asked him for a semen sample. He came back with it full of his piss. He had been pissing in his wife, thinking that is how you impregnate someone.
A woman came in for a baby check with her 6-month-old and she had what looked like chocolate milk in the baby’s bottle. So I started explaining to her as kindly as I could that she shouldn’t be giving her baby chocolate milk. At which point she interrupts me and says, "Oh that isn’t chocolate milk. It’s coffee! He just loves it!”
Had a woman who was in active labor, despite insisting she couldn't be pregnant. She said her last period was "like ten months ago" so she'd gone through menopause.
She was 25.
A woman had a gynecologist appointment one afternoon. Before leaving home she used a little feminine deodorant spray, just in case.
She gets to her appointment and is assisted into the stirrups for her pelvic exam.
The doc takes a quick look and says "My, aren't we fancy today!"
She and not used her feminine deodorant spray; she had instead accidentally used her daughter's glitter hairspray.
During surgery, my fellow resident bumped heads with the surgeon.
“Ah, Dr Jones, a meeting of the minds,” he said, laughing it off.
The surgeon mumbled, “Yes. And I felt so alone.”
I had a patient come in for an STD check. She was very upset and continued to tell me that she only had one partner. Progressing through my assessment she further divulged that even if he was sleeping with other people it shouldn’t matter “because he uses a condom every time and he makes sure to wash it thoroughly after every use.” I asked what she meant when she said he washes it after every use. She explained that he washed the condom with hot water and soap before he used said condom again..
I'm an anesthesia student currently doing my clinical rotations and I had an old guy wake up and the first thing he asked was "do I still have my balls?" and I told him "yep, both of them" and he said "both? Aw you guys are great"
While in dental school my friend pulled out several bombed out (technical term) teeth on a adult male. After the procedure was finished and post-op instructions we given, the man asked, "So when should I expect my new teeth to grow in?" He was serious.
Not a doctor, dental hygienist...
Had to explain that brushing your teeth with Comet ( the cleaner ) was not a good way to clean your teeth to a 40 year old woman.
Also had to tell a woman that painting her teeth with white finger nail polish was a bad idea.
I once had a patient tell me he needed his decapitation medicine because he was feeling full of shit. I had to think about it for a minute then I realized he was asking for his constipation medication.
I gave my patient the results of her sleep study: “It looks like you stopped breathing in your sleep over 65 times per hour.”
Her response: “Did I start back?”
Call it … carma! A car belonging to a pregnant patient was broken into. The only thing that was stolen was a wine bottle in a brown paper bag. It turns out, that’s where she was keeping her urine sample, which she’d brought in to be tested.
While I am a doctor, this happened to my wife, also a doctor. Female pt came in complaining of infertility. Said she and her partner had been trying to conceive for like five years and had "tried everything." At one point she let the pronoun slip "she and I..." and my wife said, "wait, let's back up a minute." Turns out the woman had been in a hetero relationship for a few years and never got pregnant despite using no protection. She then entered a same-sex relationship and again never got pregnant even though she really wanted to, leading her to believe she was infertile. When my wife tried to explain that conception requires sperm (sourced from a male) as well as an egg, the pt was incredulous, and exclaimed that she "didn't need a man in my life" and she didn't like being judged. Perhaps needless to say the patient was lost to followup.
Patient: Doctor, I slipped in the grocery store and really hurt myself.
Me: Where did you get hurt?
Patient: Aisle six.
A gentleman calls our office with questions about an upcoming test he is scheduled for, and we talk at length about the procedure.
Patient: I’m sorry to have so many questions.
Me: Oh, that’s no problem. You can always call and ask for clarification when you need it.
Patient: Thank you very much, Clara Fication! You’ve been very helpful.
Friend of mine is a doctor. Had a christian couple come in and ask why they didn't get a child. Both virgins untill married at 26 and 27. I mean, they did sleep with each other every night. Sleep.
I asked a patient complaining of dizziness if she had ever been diagnosed with "vertigo". The daughter chimed in and said "no, no, she's a Libra..." I then laughed hysterically at her awesome joke. She was dead serious.
A woman comes in after having a baby and tells us she's having trouble breastfeeding. I book her an appointment at a breastfeeding clinic, give her some resources, etc. Her appointment was fine and she went on her merry way. A few weeks later, we get the fax that she went to the breastfeeding clinic and everything was fine. Awesome.
A year later she shows up for her doctor's appointment, and she's morbidly obese. She must have put 100lbs on an already obese frame. She's developed many health problems related to her weight (that she refuses to acknowledge are due to her weight. Of course.) She tells us she's never been more active after having a kid, her diet hasn't changed, her work life hasn't changed, nothing has changed, the weight gain just happened due to ~hormones. We ask if she's breastfeeding, she says yes. We ask how she's getting the extra calories for the breastfeeding, and she tells us the Clinic told her to eat 1-2 bowls of plain oatmeal a day. It worked, so she's still doing it.
We figure this is how she gained so much weight (she's probably eating 2 large bowls of oatmeal on top of her meals, with milk, sugar, butter, etc), but the woman insists she's eating 1-2 packets of plain oatmeal a day. Nothing on it, nothing added to it. It says plain on the package, it tastes plain, it's plain.
We send the doctor in to see her after briefing him on the whole story about the oatmeal. He's in the room with her a long time -- much longer than normal. When she comes out of the room, she keeps her head down and walks off, looking angry and embarrassed. The doctor walks up to the nursing table and fills out the chart.
"You never asked what brand of oatmeal she's eating".
Yeah. Turns out she didn't know plain rolled oats were a thing. She thought the breastfeeding clinic meant plain oatmeal cookies. She was eating an entire package of Dad's oatmeal cookies every single day for a year (basically a 'bowl or two' filled with cookies), and could not understand how that was different from oatmeal.
When I bad a colonoscopy, my GI doctor said I said, "wow, now I know what a Muppet feels like!" He had to stop a minute to regain his composure.
Patient comes in at 2 am for insomnia, clearly tweaking her brains out, heart rate 200. Can't sit still, bouncing off the walls. I suggest maybe easing up on the cocaine. "But doctor, I LOVE cocaine." K.
I had a patient in her 30s complain of monthly rectal bleeding that would last 4-6 days and stop on its own. It started when she was 11. She just thought she should get checked out. It did stop for a while when she was pregnant.
I was a newly minted graduate with fresh and optimistic views on my life as a doctor. Second week in came this old lady and her very dysfunctional family.
They would argue and complain about everything, from the food, the nurses they didnt like and every single medical decision we made. She was very very sick so her management was just as complicated.
She had several children and they all didnt like one another and would not talk to one another. Each time we would have to explain a long update to every single one of them because they "are entitled to hear it from a doctor".
One of these stories being sitting down and explaining why you don't give gatorade as an IV drip. They did not understand why we were giving "salt water" to her.
Conversation with her son:
"Look she likes gatorade, she is drinking it so why cant you give it to her through her drip?"
We explain why.
Son frowns. "But its isotonic."
We explain again.
"Yes but gatorade has more electrolytes."
We explain again.
"Salt water just seems to be too cheap. Cant you give her something else closer to gatorade? That has electrolytes?"
Continues for two hours. Wash and repeat every day during her admission.
Afterwards I told my fiance. He opened up a scene from Idiocracy on youtube and I just sat there with my mouth open for a while.
Not a doctor, but I'm a former Special Forces medic and I treated indigenous populations in Iraq, Afghanistan and several other Middle Eastern countries. Some of the patients and their families asked incredible things of me, such as putting brains back inside after an explosion took half the head off, but I have never been as incredulous as when I had to explain "wrong hole" to a very old tribal elder who was wondering why he couldn't father any children.
This happened in med school. I was taking the history of a guy in clinic and I asked about his past medical problems, including if he had had any heart attacks.
He responded, "oh yeah, I've had about 20 of those."
"...you've had 20 heart attacks??"
"Which doctor(s) did you see about them? Do you have a cardiologist?"
"Nah, I never went to a doctor. My wife is a massage therapist, and whenever a heart attack hits, she starts to massage some pressure points and it stops."
"......Uhhhhh, ok......What does it feel like when you have a heart attack?"
"I don't ever remember them. My wife tells me that I fall onto the floor and my arms and legs start jerking. She says it takes about a minute of her massaging before it stops. I then get really confused and tired afterwards, and I can't remember much of anything that happens to me until I take a nice long nap."
The dude was having seizures, and thought that they were heart attacks. They normally stop on their own after a few minutes (at the most), and his wife thought that her massages were curing him.
I admitted a guy for pneumonia, which was odd because he was young and strapping, no other medical issues, x-ray didn't look quite right. The pieces just didn't add up and so I started questioning him more closely.
Me: Do you use any drugs? Patient: Drugs! That's disgusting. I'm no fucking druggie! I've never touched drugs in my life.
I move on to other questions and suddenly:
Patient "Look, doc, I just want you to know I may have used cocaine once or twice years and years ago. I just snorted it though. That wouldn't cause this, right? Me: How long ago? Patient: Like ten years, maybe longer. Me: It shouldn't be affecting you after this long. Patient: More like five. Me: Years? Patient: Uh, like five months ago.
This goes on forever, until he admits he just got off a massive crack binge the day before, where he spent the past three days in a hotel with some "loose women" smoking crack non-stop. He finishes with: "But I don't want you to think I'm one of those dirty druggies."
No, I think you're the idiot who lied and was getting treated for pneumonia instead of getting the proper treatment for crack lung, which is what he had.
When a woman in an emergency room told me she wasn't going into labor because her app said she want ready yet. I could see the top of her daughters head... But what the fuck do I know keep asking apple for advice.
The doctor explained to his patient that she suffered from inflammation of the cervix. Concerned, she demanded that he test her husband for it too.
The doctor assured her, “I’m positive your husband does not have cervicitis.”
She shot back, “How do you know? You haven’t examined him yet.”
One day in the pharmacy, a girl comes to the counter requesting a refill for her birth control. We pulled up her profile and realized we couldn't refill it because she just got a 28-day fill less than 2 weeks ago. When we asked what happened to the other one, she said she was out. Apparently, both her and her boyfriend were each taking a pill each and was adamant that was how they needed to prevent pregnancy.
Had a female patient. Her mom asked me to adjust her scrotum. Trying not to burst out laughing, I said "Your daughter's scrotum?" She acted like I was stupid and pointed to the back of her neck.
I knew she wouldn't listen as she was so convinced so I stopped arguing with her. And I also wanted her to go around saying it to other people.
Pharmacist, but comment still relates.
Had a lady call in complaining that their husbands viagra wasn't working. I then went on to explain to the patients wife that in order for the medication to work, the patient needed some sort of "stimulation" The lady just screamed a loud "ME?!?!?!" and then hung up the phone.
Still my favorite viagra story.
I've had a patient claim that amputations run in his family.
He said that was the only reason he needed both legs taken off above the knee. He was adamant that it was not actually due to his uncontrolled diabetes, his enormous and continual sugar intake, his refusal to use insulin, or his refusal of treatment for the giant infected wounds on both feet.
Im ashamed to say I have a story that fits here. I have a ganglion cyst on the inside of my wrist, when it starts getting large I smash my wrist down on a hard table and it goes away. I developed a similar bump on the top of my foot. I couldn't smash it down like my wrist so I tried hitting it with a hammer. Didn't do anything and it was getting bigger and interfering with my shoes so I got it investigated. Not a cyst, but arthritis in the joint. No wonder my hammer trick didn't work. The radiologist did find my treatment method amusing, but advised me to get any more lumps checked out rather than randomly hitting things with a hammer.
A related story from my friend, a Gynecologic Oncologist.
Basically a woman had early uterine cancer, but refused surgery. She wanted to explore alternative treatments like coffee enemas (?) and meditation. She somehow managed to get an audience with the Dalai Lama who told her to go back to western treatment.
I was coming to just as my doctor was finishing my colonoscopy. Feeling some pressure “back there”, I reached down and patted the doctor on the head.
“It’s OK, Yehudi,” I said. “Just go back to sleep.”
Yehudi is the name of my dog.
I worked at the ER during my internship and met a girl who had increasingly painful and red eyes since a couple of days back. The last 24h had been horrible. I asked about all the normal stuff, and she claimed to have no idea why she had this eye problem - she had never had anything wrong with her eyes. I proceed to drop some dye in her eyes to check them in a microscope, and when I do I realize she's wearing contacts.
She didn't like her natural eye colour, so she had bought a set of blue coloured lenses 8 months earlier. Never removed them, not even during night time. Didn't even think to mention this to me, claimed to have no "foreign materials" in her eyes.
Needless to say, I gave her quite the harsh lecture and a referal to an ophtalmologist.
The stupidest thing I've been to the doctor for: I took my young son in because he had a very regular rash on his lower back. It wasn't until I was in the doctor's office that I noticed that it had exactly the same pattern as the inlet cover on our jacuzzi. Which he had just been bathing in.
Getting a physical around 11-13 and the doctor who was probably around 75 at the time asks me to strip down to my boxers for the whole awkward ball grab thing. Obviously at that age and dealing with all that shit you feel weird so when the doctor only said "cough" I mustered up a big one and was prepared to fire when he suddenly interrupts me with these words of wisdom "Son, when a man has your balls in his hand you don't cough in his face."
I went to the doctor to treat my soar throat and I agreed to get a shot of penicillin. If you don't know this shot goes right into the ass. As he put the needle into my rear end I suddenly had the need to vomit. I wasn't feeling anything until the exact moment of contact with my cheek. I yell STOP and immediately try to run over to the sink where I proceed to trip and fall. Then I just start letting it all out over the floor. I was just laying there on my side blowing chunks with the needle still stuck in my ass. It wasn't one of my finer experiences at the doctor.
Emergency surgeon here
Got called 2 a.m. because a patient demanded to see me because "her daughters farts smelled too bad"
Kept a straight face.
A friend of mine mistakenly called her gynecologist instead of her dentist to make an appointment, and started the call by admitting she was overdue for a cleaning...
There was one who was very upset to find out that she was pregnant again because she'd used her diaphragm EXACTLY as she'd been told.
She carefully inspected it for holes, applied the spermicide, placed it, wore it at night, then took it out, cleaned it and put it away each morning.
...And then her husband arrived home from his night-shift.
Doctor here. One we get commonly is "I know my body." Scoped a guy with knee pain - the joint looked perfect. Told him after the surgery, and he told us "no, my tendons are all torn. I know my body."
Told a lady she was pregnant. "No, I'm not. I just had a big lunch. I know my body."
Absolutely, when something doesn't feel right and your doctor doesn't want to listen, seek a second opinion. You know how your body normally feels. But if someone has performed an invasive surgery to look at your joint, or has seen a fetus on ultrasound, they probably know what they are talking about.
Me: Sir, I need to know why you stopped taking your antiretrovirals for your HIV.
Him: Well I met this witch online that...
Me: Wait, did you just said "witch"?
Him: Yeah, she sent me a bunch of herbs every month to cure my HIV, and they worked, last time i checked I was cured.
Me: Where and what tests did you do to know you were cured?
Him: I made an online test that the witch told me to, they were a lot of random questions but in the end it said that I was free of HIV.
Me: Ooook, we will need to do a blood test to confirm that. Now, can you tell me wich herbs were you consuming?
Him: I don't know the name, but I have them right here :points at his backpack:
Me: May I take a look?
I opened the bag and what I saw was nothing but grinded oregano with something that smelled like chlorine... The patient, sadly, died from a severe sepsis a month later with a highly resistant microorganism. Just because a "witch" in a website told him to stop taking his meds...
I am a family practitioner and I had a family not want to vaccinate their newborn because they heard that vaccines were derived from monkeys brains and they didn't want their child to develop monkey like characteristics.
I had severe asthma as a kid. I was intubated for a severe attack a few times. My parents were instructed to take better precautions in our home and went through instructions, more dusting, washing bed sheets and the big one: NO SMOKING inside the house. So my parents agreed to all of this.
Few weeks later, I'm back in the hospital. A doctor recognized me and came over to talk. Then he bent over and smelled my head (I'll never forget that. I thought it was so weird). He told a nurse to sit there and not let me leave with my parents. When my parents showed up, he asked point blank, 'Did you not understand what I told you last time? Do you understand these attacks could be fatal?'
'But we open windows and have stopped smoking in her room when we put her to bed!
Not a doctor but I'm a nurse who worked in the OR at a trauma center. Was doing surgery on a 19 year old who tested positive for meth and cocaine who was grilling the anesthesiologist about every drug we were going to use in surgery because "he doesn't like putting chemicals in his body"
Gotta stick with that organic, fair trade, Non-GMO cocaine
I had a patient's mom ask me if putting a catheter in her 6 year old son would break his hymen and would he still be a virgin.
I work for an optometrist and it was the month before school started and a woman brought in her son to have his eyes checked for the first time. Seems like a pretty reasonable thing for any parent, even if he was a little older than usual for a first eye exam. Better late than never I guess. The mom was well spoken and appeared fairly intelligent. Everything went as normal, the doctor examined the boy and ended up prescribing glasses. When the doctor was explaining to the mom that her son had to wear his glasses all the time since he's nearsighted and basically can't see clearly past 5' in front of him. And will definitely need glasses for school. For some reason this caused a switch to flip in the mom and she spazzed out on the doctor, saying that her son doesn't need glasses and that the doctor is only saying that he does because he wants to sell glasses. She says that she only brought her son in because there was some form for school that needed to be filled out and that doctors are all a con artists trying to push unnecessary medications and interventions. The doctor tried to calm her down and explain that he's only trying to help them but that she was free to get a second opinion and gave her a copy of the kids prescription and sent them on their way. About four months later the lady is back asking for another copy of her son's prescription. Apparently the first semester midterm results were in, and her son failed them all, because he couldn't see the board in his classes and needs glasses!
Farted on my doctor's hand just as she finished a prostate exam. Because of the lube it was an especially wet and raspberry sounding one. She giggled and said she'd be rich if she had a pound for every time it happened.
70 yo female tripped and fell 2 days ago. She came it with hip pain but reports after the fall her nose was bleeding - she had landed on her nose. About a year prior her dentist had messes up an infraorbital nerve block and caused some swelling in that region but that all was resolved. This old lady is now convinced her nosebleed after falling on her face is related to an "infection" from the dental issue a year ago. After multiple back-and-forth on the etiology of the nosebleed, she became the first patient I raised my voice and put down an authoritative "no, you are wrong, just stop it".
Got placed doing a rotation in the orthopedic floor of a big hospital in a rural area of Southern California. I was doing my rounds and saw a patient out of bed and walking around the floor following a knee replacement. She had a cane in her hand that she was carrying like as a solider would carry a rifle. I asked what she was doing and what she thought the cane was for. She replied she thought the cane was for pushing people out of her way since she's now "handicapped" and it wasn't to help her walk on her post op knee.
I once saw a high school aged kid come in with a dinner candle stuck in his rectum. He reportedly was using it to reach an itch. Apparently the itch was in his spleen because that thing was deep. Mom told me the story, and how she had previously asked him to not itch himself with other things of hers. I didn't ask for any more details. I honestly think she believed that he was just really itchy.
A guy came in with a wheelchair.
"Do you have any medical issues?"
".... Umm, why are you in a wheelchair?"
"Oh, I have a degenerative neuromuscular condition. And type 2 diabetes."
Heard this story from a nurse friend.
Some guy was dancing in skin tight leather pants at the opening of a new nightclub in a nearby small city. It was hot inside with the huge crowd.
The guy fainted from the heat and was taken to the ER, where his pants were cut off.
This revealed that the guy had a length of pepperoni in his crotch, taped to his thigh.
The ER staff got the giggles and left his room to laugh in the hallway. At some point one of them said something like, "We've got to get back in there and deal with an unconscious patient." At this point they returned to professional duties.
Nurse here, I work in Anaesthetics and it drives me mad the amount of patients that want to have allergies, e.g, antibiotics give them the trots, er no that's a side effect. Anyway the anaesthetist comes into the anaesthetic room morning and asks me not to ask the patient about allergies, I'm puzzled at this and ask her why, the patient was allergic to oxygen. Yes, oxygen. She was a fun patient.
The day after I had surgery on my leg, a nurse came into my hospital room with a box in her hand. “Are you ready for this?”
“What is it?” I asked.
“Fleet enema. Didn’t your doctor tell you about it?”
She rechecked the orders. “Whoa! It said feet elevated!”
Patient comes in with abdominal pain. "I think it's my gallbladder," they say. Looking over their chart, I see their gallbladder was removed 20 years ago so that is impossible. I mention this, to which they reply "yeah but it grew back."
It was 3am and I'd been on duty in the Emergency since 8am. I was exhausted. A well dressed man came in with his 8 year old, healthy looking, son. I asked him what was the problem. He said, "Well, I was at a wedding and it occurred to me that my son is a little short. Can you give him something right now to make him taller?"
During a yearly check-up the doc was concerned about my weight. I promised him I'd do better and next year I would be back down to a healthy weight.
Maybe a week or so later my doc saw me at a local pub with a plate of hot wings in front of me and a pint of beer. He was a bro and didn't say anything but I could see the look of disappointment in his eyes.
My favourite ever story from a colleague: a patient comes into A&E with abdominal pain.
As part of the work up he gets an abdominal X-ray which shows the problem as clear as day.
The colleague has then proceeded to remove, from the patients rectum, an 8 inch replica of Nelson's Column (the statue in the centre of Trafalgar Square, London)
On showing it to the patient, the response was "Oh that's Nelson, he lives up there."
"I have the Ebola". "Sir, you actually had a heart attack." "Because of the Ebola"
So, not a doctor but I work at a hospital. We had someone come into A&E because they needed their nails redoing... They genuinely thought it was a good idea to go to accident and emergency to have their fake nails taken off and redone because they had gotten too long and become uncomfortable.
Me: is there any chance you could be pregnant?
Patient: definitely not.
Me: are you sexually active?
Me: what is your preferred method of birth control?
Teenage male patient came in to the clinic with his girlfriend because he was growing breasts with milk production. Turns out his girlfriend was giving him her female hormonal birth control pills for “extra protection”
Not a doctor but a nurse. I once walked into my patient's room responding to his call light. He had an accident and peed on the floor on the way to the bathroom and was now laying in bed stark naked calling for me. His wife, I guess oblivious to all this, was just dancing in the pee. Like eyes closed, hands over her head, hips swaying. In a puddle of her husbands pee. They were really a bizarre couple.
Answered the bed alarm for a 90 year old this evening.
Nurse: "Where are you going?"
Patient: "I have to go."
Patient: "Well I don't wanna be here."
Me too, lady. Me too.
Ophthalmologist here. Told patient he needed reading glasses which he didn't believe. I explained that everyone develops presbyopia eventually. "Come on, George Clooney doesn't wear reading glasses!". A) yes he does & B) not sure why you are comparing yourself with him...
I work in the ER. We had a very pregnant patient come in needing stitches in her vagina. Turns out she was a realtor and didn’t want her water to break while she was showing a house, so she put a glass cup in her pants to catch the water. Instead of using a pad or an adult diaper, she went for a GLASS CUP. She sat down while showing a house and sure enough, it broke and cut her up pretty bad.
The other day I had a 400 lb, 50 year old patient who hadn't pooped in (she claims) 6 days. So I gave her all kinds of things to make her go and the moment comes when she feels the urge. She's too heavy and unable to do things on her own so she asked for a bedpan. When she turned to her side, stool the size and shape of a small baby or big burrito slid out and I caught it. I looked up at the aide and down at the baby sized poo and back at the aide and did my best not to laugh or make a sound.
All I could think of is how I legit felt like I delivered a baby
Doc here. I had a guy with an ICD in place. For those who don't know, it basically shocks your heart if it goes into a funny rhythm.
He would regularly come into the hospital to have it turned off because he would do a ton of cocaine and the thing would keep firing due to his high heart rate.
I told him not to do cocaine. He kept doing cocaine.
As a self-diagnosing patient...One day notice a white, hard, jagged object protruding from my back gum. Can't believe I'm having a tooth come in, especially since I'm 23 and had my wisdom teeth taken out years ago. Go to the dentist to get some X-rays annnnd it turns out to be a piece of a tortilla chip.
Not a doctor, but I regularly have people come in for eye examinations because 'when I take my glasses of things are blurry'. Often these aren't passing comments during the exam, but the main reason for their visit to the clinic.
Do you have any medical conditions? No. What medications are you on? Proceeds to name at least 10 medications.
Med student here, but I have had two winners.
When discussing a precancerous skin lesion on a patient, they opted to use their "laser ray" instead of classic treatment. It was a cancer laser ray that was bought online. It also apparently had "frequencies for arthritis". They insisted that the vibratory frequency can be tuned to destroy cancer cells, just like a trained singer may be able to use her voice to break a crystal glass. The patient did not believe that cancer cells and regular cells would have the same frequency.
Another patient insisted that his cancer had been properly treated at home with baking soda (he gave me a website like phkillscancer.com or something). The patient also had with them a surgery report in which it appears their baking soda consumption resulted in buildup of abnormal calcium in the wall of the stomach, which had to be removed.
Was working at a clinic. I was speaking with a non-controlled diabetic patient about her sugar intake and she said she drinks a 32 oz soda everyday. I ask her if it's regular or diet and she replies with "It's half-regular. I let the ice melt first so there isn't as much sugar in it". Sorry but that isn't how it works
Just got this story from my girlfriend’s step-dad who is a neurosurgeon. He had an OBGYN friend who had a couple who couldn’t get pregnant. Apparently they had been raised in some religious fundamentalist cult and didn’t understand how sex worked. The guy was just rubbing his penis against her leg and ejaculating on her thigh.
911 dispatch call that was transferred to EMS service.
"I need an ambulance." "Ok. What's the problem?" "I think I have the flesh eating bacteria." "What makes you say that? Do you have any sores or anything?" "I went to sleep and woke up with holes in my underwear that weren't there last night."
A 32 year old grown man asked me if the hot spells he was experiencing at night meant he was going through menopause.
Scene: The operating room. I’m reviewing the surgical checklist with the nurses.
Me: We have the surgical equipment, the heart-lung machine, antibiotics, and the replacement heart valve on hand.
Patient: You wait until now to figure this stuff out?
I once had the daughter of one of my patients march up to the nursing station, slam the vitals chart down on the desk and yell at me "How dare you say my mother stinks" I'm utterly puzzled by this as no-one had said anything of the sort and ask the daughter to explain what she meant, she grabs the chart, points to the row of "BO's" recorded on it and shouts "Here you even had the nerve to write it down" I explained that "BO" meant Bowels Open not body odour before escaping to the staff room to laugh my head off.
Patient was a young child who came in with an extremely high Blood Glucose level. Once she was stable we did some teaching and kept her for a few days for observation. For some reason every-time I checked her, her levels would be extremely high although we were appropriately treating her. Turns out her family would bring her fast food for every meal and hide it in the side table. More teaching and resources were put into place.
Not a doctor but I was a Nurse's assistant and a kitchen staff member came in and said "Help, I ate raw corn". Apparently the cook had convinced him that eating raw corn was poisonous or something. I had a good laugh about it.
I'm a med student but I once saw a patient in the ER who came in because she lost her vibrator inside herself. It was still on. She sat in the waiting room for over an hour with that thing in there.
My mom's an ER nurse and she said once some crazy lady came in and complained hat she had the whooping cough. And whenever she coughed she followed it with a loud "woooOOOP!"
A memorable lady was utterly convinced that her friend got cancer because she quit smoking (not because she was a smoker...duh). This lady had a mild goitre, and her reason for not quitting was that if she quit smoking the 'lumps in my neck would turn to cancer'. Could not be convinced otherwise. Then I referred her to ENT for her hoarse voice and she was surprised how fast she was seen. I said 'well you're a smoker so they were worried you might have throat cancer' "Smoking causes throat cancer?!?!". I always needed a strong coffee after her.
A mother came in with her son to discuss treating his acne. Son was about 15 years old and didn't really care about the acne, but mom did. After going over treatment options, she asked if he just needed to 'do it' to get rid of the acne. A grown woman, with a child, thought that by him having sex, his acne would magically go away..
My mum once had to try explain to a doctor that regardless of tests she has celiacs because google said that if you have celiacs you get sick when eating bread, she just wouldn't accept that as you get older you can't eat half a loaf of bread in one sitting. I have never seen a doctor want to kill themselves more.
I had an 8 year old kid in the OR say "You mother fu*kers!" right before she fell asleep.
There was a nursing student I had once who laughed loudly and exclaimed 'How can you possibly get an STD in your mouth?' ahh the innocence of youth.
Medical student here.
Was clerking a patient who told me her lung cancer wasn’t due to the 60+ cigarettes she had been smoking since adolescence, rather it was due to a knock she received by stumbling into her car door.
Her logic was that the tumour was at the same corresponding spot in her lung to where she bumped her chest.
She was convinced we were wrong about the cause.
Not a doctor, but I WAS a corpsman in the Navy. I had a Marine come in because he swallowed a rock. "Why," I asked, puzzled, "would you swallow a rock?"
"I was hungry."
I am not a doctor, but I do work at a doctor's office.
So a person came in with conjunctivitis. They proceeded to ask questions on how it was transmitted. With the most serious look on their face, they asked if it was contagious and can be passed on by glare.
While this is hilarious, take a minute to think, WHAT IF ANYTHING WAS CONTAGIOUS BY GLARE. That would be so d--- frightening...
Not a doctor but work in pharmacy. An old guy who had got an inhaler prescribed by his GP because he was allergic to his new dog. He came back to the pharmacy and said he was still completely breathless around the dog despite using the inhaler four times a day. On further question it transpired that four times a day he was spraying the dogs coat with the ventolin inhaler.
My wife has works in a gyno and has told me of many patients trying to get pregnant who needed to be told what went where, specifically that the anus is not a baby-maker.
That the 30+ cups of coffee he was drinking every day could possibly be the cause of his chief complaints of anxiety and insomnia. He said he was not willing to give this up or try decaf.
Paramedic here. Was driving with my partner and patient in the back. Patient was fine. Patient's skeezy boyfriend was riding in the front with me and apparently saw a golden opportunity to ask a question that had obviously been on his mind for some time.
Him: So when cats and dogs eat grass, that means they have cancer, right?
Me: Ummm. No. No it does not.
Made for an awkwardly silent ride the rest of the way.
My husband’s new “unbreakable” titanium eyeglasses broke. When he brought the many pieces back to the optometrist to have the glasses replaced, the assistant asked what had happened.
“They fell under the lawn mower,” he explained.
“Oh,” she said, nodding. “Were you wearing them at the time?”
Me coming out of anesthesia: "Man, you're handsome." (To Asian doctor.) He paused a second, then thanked me.
I woke up from anesthesia and asked the nurse what mascara she was wearing.
Might be late to this, but a 17 year old girl who was pregnant and came into the emergency department to get checked as she was punched in the stomach. She wanted to go out for a smoke so I did the whole pregnancy and smoking spiel, she stopped me and told me I knew nothing as the baby would be harmed if she stopped smoking straight away.
I posted this a while back when a similar question was asked:
GP here. The most outrageous thing I've heard was from a boy who was something like 20-22 years old. Very poor, illiterate family. The boy had a bad case of tonsilitis and refused to take any meds because all he needed to do was "bite the sun". Basically at noon he had to look up to the sun, open his mouth as wide as possible and "bite" the sun several times so it would "burn" his tonsils and cure him over the course of a couple weeks. When that wouldn't work, plan B was to do the same at night but only under a full moon.
I had to explain to a grown man I still work with that tampons don't break down in a woman's urine after they were finished using them. He's been married 12 years. It was not his best day.
Had to explain to an adult you have to brush all the sides of a teeth. Like... no, just the side that shows when you smile is not enough. And yes flossing is not just a thing for rich people.
There was a guy who came to the ER because his iPhone app told him his sleep was poor quality.
Had a young woman with recurring UTIs that began after a recent partner and with no STDs; went through the standard questions trying to figure out what could be causing them and eventually found out she had been lubricating with jelly. Not KY jelly. The mixup had literally been a joke on House. It took me some effort to keep a straight face, but we eventually resolved the problem and she stopped getting UTIs.
My fiance is an X-ray tech. He gets weird cases all the time. He had to do a head CT on someone who came into the ER because she took two marijuana tablets and wondered why her head was foggy and she felt slow moving... Face palm.
Not a doctor but my dad is an opthamologist (eye doctor). He once told me that one of his patients came in utterly confused why the "medicine in his glasses no work anymore."
My friend is a student doctor and is on placement at a small town doctor's office. She had a 70-ish year old woman come in with complaints of a small but painless growth that was visible at the back of her throat.
Turns out it took her 70 years to notice her uvula.
A male patient inyected kitchen oil into his own cheeks because he saw a plastic surgery tv show where a surgeon inyected something similar to a model, then he was amazed that the bumps of the oil didnt go away and were turning red and painful af.
Ran to the dermatologist because of a spot on my butt that I thought might be cancerous. Doc looked me in the eye and said "Phil330, that's a pimple".
I was reaching around in someone's sheets for a lost tube of blood and accidentally grabbed his (erect?!) penis in the process. It was unfortunate.
One of my 5 patients tonight keeps yelling maybe once every 2 minutes, going "OWWWWWW!!!" as if she's looking at a handsome man. I've asked her several times why she's yelling (waiting to see if she's in any pain) and her answers range from "I didn't know I was yelling," to "It's a habit."
Was translating at a medical clinic once. A father brought in his 20-year old son convinced he had early signs of diabetes since his hair was greasy. After convincing thr doctor that's what he was actually there for, we told him to go take a shower and try different shampoo :( its sad how little some people know about diabetes
I'm a rural family doc doing locums and was working at a city family practice clinic when I saw this patient.
21 y/o female, not overweight, in no distress and appears quite well
Me: "so what brings you in today"
Pt: "I'm pretty sure I had a heart attack"
Me: "okay, tell me more about why you feel that. what does this pain feel like"
Pt: "like a heart attack"
Me: "oh I see. When did you last have a heart attack that this feels like"
Pt: "I haven't had one before. But I get this pain every time I have my period. And I've sent my mom to the ER twice with the same pain before so I know it's a heart attack"
She was a non smoker who had no comorbidities, very noncardiac sounding chest pain, no risk factors and her mother that was sent in to the ED, had an EKG, no bloodwork and sent home shortly after (though patient swears both episodes were heart attacks).
Radiographer here and had the ED doctor give me a request for soft tissue neck X-rays and the doctor was p much like "don't question it, just do it." Anyway after that patient had left the ED dr came and told me that the gentleman presented to ED at 3am because he had hot milk three days ago and his tongue has been hurting ever since. The patient basically burnt his tongue but was insisting on a X-ray to ensure nothing is wrong.
I popped a boner on the nurse prepping me for a vasectomy... in front of my wife. During the procedure the doc kept referring to my member as Mr. Happy and talking about how hot the nurse was. The nurse was still on the room btw.
Imagine a revved up version of that dreadlocked beanie-wearing woman meme: "Uh, it's not vuh-JI-nah anymore, it's pronounced vaah-ZHEE-nah now."
Not a Doctor, but EMT.
Had a woman who was in active labor, despite insisting she couldn't be pregnant. She said her last period was "like ten months ago" so she'd gone through menopause.
She was 25.
Went about an anal problem. The doctor put his finger up to check all was ok, I made a slight noise and he asked if I was ok. And this is when I said "That's nice", instead of "That's ok".
I feel like our doctors should not assists those couples to have children.
If you can not figure out how sex works, dont raise children thx
I'm not a doctor, but I'm an ER nurse. I had a patient come in for an STD check. She was very upset and continued to tell me that she only had one partner. Progressing through my assessment she further divulged that even if he was sleeping with other people it shouldn't matter "because he uses a condom every time and he makes sure to wash it throughly after every use." I asked what she meant when she said he washes it after every use. She explained that he washed the condom with hot water and soap before he used said condom again...