Humor is one tough nut to crack. Sometimes it’s bland, other times it’s too in your face, occasionally it can even offend someone, leaving a bad aftertaste and ruined image. At the same time, there are many fans of dark humor who like puns with not just a pinch of salt but a bag of Carolina reapers. Others are clever joke aficionados that adore trivia-meets-comedy type of fun. And dad jokes are just a whole other category.
But what if you feel like you don’t fit into any of these categories? Well, this entertaining subreddit may have exactly what you need. Titled “Clean Jokes,” it’s described as a community for “for those of you who are either easily offended or just like clean jokes.” Created back in 2012, the subreddit is home to 130k members, so it’s obvious there’s a demand for content like that.
Below we selected some of the funniest offense-proof jokes for everyone to chuckle at, so be sure to upvote your favorite ones as you go!
This post may include affiliate links.
Iron Man is technically a FEmale.
I will down vote myself on the way out....
When asked if there’s always an offensive element to telling jokes, Sophie Scott, the British neuroscientist and Wellcome Trust Senior Fellow at University College London, told Bored Panda that this is indeed the case. Her research investigates the cognitive neuroscience of voices, speech and laughter, particularly speech perception, speech production, vocal emotions, and human communication.
“There are no jokes that are guaranteed to be funny for everyone. And there may be a reference in there that someone finds personally offensive, like the basis for this very old Onion,” the professor explained.
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store.
The poster reads:
"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."
The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.
30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.
"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.
20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.
He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."
The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.
"There's no way you're bilingual."
The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."
Moreover, Scott argues that “it’s possible that any joke could offend someone, and that the perceived offence is compounded by the invitation to laugh that a joke implies.”
“There is also evidence that people vary in the extent to which they think they are being personally ridiculed when they hear laughter, so it’s possible that they would be more likely to be upset by a joke,” she explained.
I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion....
Apparently, “Really big ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer...
My Asian roommate says I have schizophrenia.
Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
To find out more about the Clean Jokes community, we reached out to its moderator Ccm596 who shared a couple of insights about it. “I had been wanting to start a good subreddit (I think I had already made a couple at this point, very niche stuff, /r/Kennedy, /r/matchboxtwenty, one for my hometown of only 15k people) and nothing really came to me,” the moderator recounted the origins of the subreddit.
Ccm596 noticed that “there was a sizable community in /r/jokes who had grown tired of the sub having so many ‘dirty’ jokes. I personally didn't, and don't, have an issue with dirty jokes, but I thought it'd be nice to have a community dedicated to cleaner humor,” they said in an interview.
“Back in the day...” my grandpa started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $3 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But...
"Now however".. he continued, "wherever you go there are those darn cameras"
The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain again today?”
She replied, “Yes, it is and don’t call me Shirley!”
I guess I left my phone in Airplane mode again...
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you.
So the idea of Clean Jokes, according to the moderator, is a place for redditors to have somewhere to go for jokes where they know that anything they click on will be appropriate for them to tell their children, or their coworkers. “Jokes that are guaranteed to be 'safe,' I guess. Where people of any community can have a laugh,” they added. To put it simply, the moderator says, “a clean joke” is the kind of joke that doesn’t deal in any "mature" concepts or situations.
How do you tell a chemist from a communist?
A: ask them to pronounce “unionized.”
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I replied, "Go for it!" He shouted, “NO!! NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” Slightly puzzled, I said, “That’s Superman."
“Thanks man!” he laughed. “I’ve been practicing it a lot.”
However, when it comes to Ccm596, “I have no qualms about dark, offensive humor. Many of my favorite jokes, to hear and tell, would not slide on the subreddit.” According to the moderator, “it is important for comedy to push the boundaries of what's 'acceptable' (so long as it isn't comedy that punches down), but at the same time, there's also definitely a place for 'safe' comedy, and it doesn't inherently have to be dark or offensive in order to push those boundaries.”
A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys!"
I bought a universal remote today.
I was disappointed to find out that it does not, in fact, control the universe. Not even remotely.
Actually, it does control the universe; it just takes an infinite amount of time to see the effects.
If you think your microwave and your TV spying on you is bad…
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years...
When asked about how the Clean Jokes community is doing, Ccm596 said that they are honestly very happy with the state of the subreddit, “and I think our current trajectory is a good one,” the mod added.
“That said, I've always wanted to take a more active role in the moderation of the subreddit. At the moment, the MO is basically 'let AutoMod do its thing, handle things as we need to, hands off otherwise' and I think it works out fine, but a more active mod [team] certainly wouldn't hurt,” Ccm596 told us.
My wife is turning 32 soon and I told her not to get her hopes up, “After all, the celebration is only going to last half a minute.” Confused, she asked, “What are you talking about?”
I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”
My Wife and I were blissfully happy for 25 magical years..
..and then we met.
Can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick
Seriously, how low can you go.
Moreover, “we had a bit of an incident in early days, which has me a little apprehensive about taking on new members to the team,” the mod recounted. “But like I said, I'm pretty hands-off myself too, so the answer isn't even necessarily in expanding. We used to have events once in awhile, 'joke of the month' type things, but I couldn't really think of anything fun to do with it, so I kind of dropped it after a while.”
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!” I said, “Sure, it does.”
“It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink. No one listened, but he kept on warning and warning them! Nonetheless, they got sick of him...
...and kicked him out of the movie theater.
The Fibonacci convention is supposed to be pretty special this year
They say it's going to be as big as the last 2 put together.
My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars...
...and came home to us a seasoned Veteran.
I’m not bragging or anything, but I made six figures this year…
So they named me the year’s worst employee at the toy factory...
You would think that a Snail without a shell would move that bit faster ?
But it's actually more sluggish.
People always ask me how I sneak chocolate into movie theatres
Well lets just say, I have a few Twix up my sleeve
I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers!!
What are the odds?!
A bad workman always blames his fools…
Tools!!
I meant tools!!
Stupid keyboard…
For the last eight years I've been voted the " most secretive guy " in the office by my coworkers.
Can't tell you how much this award means to me.
I went to the store last week to buy 6 cans of Sprite.
It wasn't until I got home that I realized I had picked 7 up.
A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors but he turned himself in...
...after taking some time to reflect.
Luckily, the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the man.
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
“How much to buy a singing ensemble!?” I asked the clerk. Puzzled, he questioned, "You mean a choir?"
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble!?”
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought to myself, “The streets are strangely desserted!”
It’s a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore. I just bought a T.V. and it said, “Built in Antenna” and to be perfectly honest...
I don’t even know where that is!
While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused...
It must have been the delivery...
I’ve just got a new job as senior director at Old MacDonald’s farm...
I’m the CIEIO!!!!
Our doorbell rang and my son called to me, "Dad, there's a salesman here with a mustache!" I yelled back...
"Tell him I've already got one!"
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter
What's the difference between an a place where people drink and an elephant farting in a cave? one's a "barroom" and the other is a "BARROOM!!!!"
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
Smaller babies are always delivered by stork…
...but the heavier ones need to be delivered by crane...
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy...
At least, that’s what she said in her diary
What does Alexander the Great have in common with Winnie the Pooh?
Same middle name.
What do my mom and your mom have in common? They both raised disappointments.
If Jesus and Poseidon ever fought, Jesus would walk all over him.
I poured my root beer into a square cup...
Now I’ve just got beer...
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today." She asked, "Which doctor?"
I smiled back, "No, the regular kind."
What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire?
One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.
I would say that the female is the vampire because she has red eyes, but I respect your opinions.
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
Not sure I've seen 23 downvotes before... wow. How long do you get banned for that? Also, nothing low class about sanitation work.
I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my son’s train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it...
I think I managed to cover my tracks...
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
When I told my girlfriend I was named after Thomas Jefferson, she rolled her eyes and said, "Your name is Brian.” I said, “I know, but..."
"I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson!"
I dig.
You dig. We dig. They dig. He dig. She dig. Now it's not a very beautiful poem, but it's quite deep.
A genie asked, "What’s your first wish?" Steve answered, "I wish I was rich!" And the genie said...
"What’s your second wish, Rich?"
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line..
I looked up from my computer and asked my son, "Have you heard of the blind cyclops brothers?" Puzzled, he replied, "Uh, no." I responded...
"Neither have eye."
I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filled with tears. "Great!" I said.
"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"
Why are people from Ohio good at finding a spouse?
Because they can go from Dayton to Marion in less than two hours.
A pregnant woman hobbles painfully into the hospital with one hand on her back. A nurse rushes over to her and asks her what’s wrong, but the woman just shouts, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Didn’t!” The nurse shakes her head and says, “Sorry, I don’t understand!” The woman screams, “Can’t! Won’t! Don’t!”
The nurse is really confused and turns to a doctor who says, “Admit her immediately!! She’s having contractions!!”
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…
Must be some kind of milestone…
What do you call a pirate wearing a sombrero?
A sea señor.
If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?
Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass...
I just wanted to make that clear...
A Woman stopped me on the pavement, said She recognized me from the vegetarian club..
But I'm certain I hadn't met herbivore.
I yelled at my girlfriend, "If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, I'll move out!" She just laughed and said...
"That's a whisk I'm willing to take!"
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
What did the sand say as the tide came in ?
Hey ! Long time no sea.
All of the fortune tellers I've met are either really depressing or overly enhusiastic.
Why can't I find a happy medium?
A Man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting ' help me Doctor, I'm shrinking' The Doctor calmly said ' Now settle down a bit '..
.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.
I looked longingly into my beloved's eyes and whispered "A...E...I...O...U...and sometimes, Y."
The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"
My son and I went camping yesterday when he asked me how to start a campfire. I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same because then...
"You’ll have a match!"
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown
The CDC has a recommendation for telling jokes during the pandemic...
Inside jokes, only.
You know that theory about no two people see colors exactly the same way..?
.. surely it's a pigment of their imagination.
My shoes aren't very supportive and make me uncomfortable...
... you might say they're my arch enemies.
My son asked me, "Is this pool safe for diving?" I chuckled and replied...
"It deep ends..."
In a recent poll, 80% of people in America said they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that walked up to their door and asked for shelter...
Let that sink in...
My Wife is leaving me because I'm beginning to go bald.
I don't mind...but it's Hair loss.
These are amazingly horrible, I'm going to go make my friends hate me with these now
These are amazingly horrible, I'm going to go make my friends hate me with these now
