“AITA For Throwing Away The Food My Wife Put In My Freezer And Then Putting A Padlock On It?”
Having a freezer is a blessing, for lack of a better word. The climate is getting hotter, so how else are you supposed to cool off if not for a freezer accommodating all of your ice cream, ice cubes, and other glacial resources?
However, not everyone gets to enjoy freezers. And I am not talking about those who don’t own them. (Believe it or not, not every fridge has a freezer. Weird). I am talking about this one guy who has a freezer—in fact, he has more than one—but he keeps finding himself fighting over its real estate with the missus.
And it came to a point where he just had to share his frustrations with the Am I The A-Hole community.
More Info: Reddit
Ever wondered what Schrodinger’s freezer would be like? You know, where someone has it and doesn’t at the same time
Image credits: Colin and Sarah Northway (not the actual image)
So, meet 39-year-old husband and protagonist of the story, Reddit user u/BigDreamsSmall[Rooster]. Biggy recently went to Reddit’s Am I The A-Hole community to vent his frustrations, but also to figure out if he was wrong to stand his (frozen) ground and not allow his 32-year-old wife to take over his freezer.
You see, his wife has a bit of a habit of stocking up on frozen food. So much, in fact, that their regular freezer doesn’t seem like it has seen days that there wouldn’t be a buttload of food stored in it.
Well, this guy has one, but his wife hogs all the freezer real estate, and he can’t enjoy it, hence the story
Image Credits: u/BigDreamsSmallC**k
OP did try to tackle the issue on multiple occasions and in various ways. Talking (loads of it) didn’t work. Buying a new fridge with a bigger freezer (that ended up netting him $4,000) only led to more food storage. And it doesn’t help that when he does find a free space to put a burrito in, his wife keeps nagging him about when he’s gonna eat it.
Well, he decided to approach the issue differently. He went ahead and got himself a personal freezer. More than enough space to store all the burritos a guy could ever want. Well, sure enough, the wife stumbled upon it sooner than later and it immediately became her grand quest to take over the frozen wasteland, ripe for the storing of frigid sustenance.
Despite multiple conversations about the wife’s excessive frozen food hoarding habits, the husband decided to buy one for himself
Image Credits: u/BigDreamsSmallC**k
Image credits: Ivan Radic (not the actual image)
However, the husband was having none of it and specifically asked her to back off from the freezer. She has hers, he has his, and that’s where it’ll stay. Nope. Several days later, it’s already 70% filled up with—yep, you guessed it—frozen foods. He did give her the benefit of the doubt and checked the other freezer. Nope, still as full as it can be.
Ok, no more Mr. Nice Guy. He grabs a garbage bag, dumps everything in it, and chucks it all.
Later that day, the missus returns with yet another fresh stack of frozen foods, ready to become a skyscraper of grub in the remaining 30% of hubby’s freezer. She immediately gets rejected when she finds a chain around the freezer and a padlock, making sure she doesn’t get her hands on the prime real estate inside.
However, despite him specifically asking her not to use it, she does it anyway, and so the consequences were a chain and a padlock
Image Credits: u/BigDreamsSmallC**k
The wife did not enjoy it one bit, and stormed out, later coming back with a 24-hour ultimatum
Image credits: Billie Grace Ward (not the actual image)
This set off a time bomb of fury, leading to a heated argument with OP. She claimed he was being controlling. He said there is no way in hell (even if it froze over) she’ll be using that freezer. She stormed out to stay with her mom. Later that day, she returned with an ultimatum to give her access within 24 hours.
Nothing happened after 24 hours. Except for OP’s post on Reddit, which asked if he was a jerk for all of this.
And the lovely AITA community had a lot to say about it. A key theme among them was that many thought his wife had some issues—a form of obsessive hoarding.
But internauts were having none of it, saying the OP is not the bung-hole here
But besides all that, yes, OP is entitled to have space in the fridge. It’s a shared space, after all. So, his purchase of a freezer and the padlock are justified. Her anger, given the issue above, isn’t.
If anything, some pointed out that it is she who is being controlling with something that ought to be shared.
OP has addressed some of the other comments, namely all of those who missed the fact that yes, he did try to talk to her about it, talking was the first solution. It never worked, and it felt like his frustrations fell on deaf ears.
He did try to address the hoarding issue as well, but she doesn’t listen to reason and going to the therapist is out of the question. So, he’s at a dead end. This is in context of her threatening him with divorce over the freezer, by the way.
Whatever the case, his story got quite a bit of attention. The post garnered over 16,200 upvotes with a handful of Reddit awards and a truckload (about 2,000) of comments. All of this, you can check out in context here.
Or you can browse any of these fine articles we have, namely this one where the wife “ruined” her husband’s b-day by bolting mid-way, or this one where a guy almost became a dad but after finding out the truth had to distance himself, causing a feud in the family, or this one where a woman got kicked out of a resort by the family that bought her a vacation.
But before you run off, we’d love to hear from you—especially you, Tim—on what OP should do, or what he should not do, or who’s wrong, who’s right, and what is your best freezer story in the comment section below!
My husband is a hoarder. Began with a collection that he kept neatly packed away, catalogued and everything. Then he got turned on the collecting toys. Soon there wasn't anywhere to walk. I can't get him to therapy about it - he thinks I'm the one with issues. The picture I've attached isn't the worst of it. comics-62c...ab09aa.jpg 
It's fascinating that she sees his behaviour are controlling, but fails to see her own actions as such. It happens so many times with controlling people. As soon as their partner stands up and says, "No, enough, I need to have a share too." the partner is labelled as demanding or manipulative.
I wonder if she grew up really poor and is hoarding all the food now because she's scared to be without it?
I thought the same thing. She might have been hungry a lot and now has this issue. I kinda feel sorry for her. I hope she get's help (therapy).
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You cannot reason with a hoarder. It’s impossible to convince them they have a problem in the first place, let alone make them get therapy and even then it’s lifelong struggle and full of relapses. I have it in the family. Heard every excuse under the sun why they need that useless bit of c**p they are never gonna use. Sometimes walking away to save your sanity is the only way.
Yep. Those stacks of newspapers that go back decades can't be thrown away because "there might be an article I want to keep."
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“I’m leaving if you don’t let me use that freezer” Okay bye! Take your frozen food with you! Okay going from snarky to serious here, she👏needs👏help👏
No kidding. Why did you even get married to someone this crazy in the first place?
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The elephant in the room here is that this poor man has tried everything including talking to her about getting help and she is straight up refusing and acting like a petulant child at what point should he walk away from this because this is not healthy for him either. He can't force somebody to get help no one can and if she doesn't want to take the steps to get help there isn't really much he can do so he can continue to live in his hell or he can let it go and move on and honestly at this point I think that's what he needs to do Short of having an intervention and getting other people involved that is pretty much the last thing that he can try
There's very few things worse than being married to someone with a serious mental illness that they refuse to acknowledge and seek treatment for. One of them is being married to someone who is controlling in addition to the fact that they have a mental illness they refuse to seek treatment for.
My mom is an absolute menace about food storage and waste. She will buy food for you and then harass you until you eat it. She'll complain about other people's food taking up space while she has 47 condiments in the fridge and she'll get mad and complain if someone else eats the last item of something she supposedly wanted but would've gone bad, which would've also made her mad. I feel bad for this guy.
That last part sounds like my mother, she gets mad if I eat the food and gets mad if it spoils.
Load More Replies... NTA could this be solved with one chest freezer each? But bottom line, this was a good plan, communicated well and then not respected. You were totally within bounds. Respecting the other person's physical space is essential for healthy living. I have an extra dresser, my partner has an extra clothes rail (bought independently) and if he filled my dresser with his clothes, after I'd asked him not to, I would take the clothes out. With frozen food, you have to dump it because it will spoil, and you can usually donate it, because they don't know how it's been stored, so you had to throw it away. NTA
They already essentially gave a freezer each. His wife wants more.
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NTA for the padlock and putting his foot down but I'd be enraged that he threw away food. Surely he could have eaten some of it, or put some in the work freezer with a free note, or asked if the neighbors or a charity could take some? I hate food waste. So YTA for throwing away food, but NTA in general.
No, he's not the AH for throwing the food away. It's not his responsibility. SHE is the one wasting the food by putting him in that position in the first place.
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Reading the title, I expected a slam-dunk YTA, or ESH at best. But this is a clear NTA. The boundaries were clearly defined. Wife was ceded the entire fridge freezer to herself. Husband bought his own freezer with his own money and set boundaries again. She violated the boundaries. She refuses to go to therapy, and I assume that includes couples therapy. She violated his boundary, violated his space, and as a consequence he defended and enforced his boundary. She can buy her own freezer. She can also leave the relationship if she can't share food storage like a civil person.
I grew up in a household where there was little to no food on a given day. My mother shopped maybe once a month. We are not Talking about a normal huge shop. It was just for appearance. I grew up knowing how bad margarine tasted and still cringe at the idea of food tasting like the fridge. I have major food issues as an adult. It would appear that his wife is suffering. I'm really happy to hear that he finally took a stand though. My husband took a stand with me too. It helped big time. I am still not quite where I should be, but I'm getting there. I hope his wife gets the help she needs.
Can I ask what helped you? I'm asking because I'm a borderline hoarder.
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I was ready to say YTA until I read his explaining posts. It is totally shitty to put padlock on something in a shared house, but the wife has issues.
Most definitely sounds like she has a food hording disorder. Most people that have food hording disorders have had trauma in their past that causes it. Like not having food as a kid or not enough food to go around for everyone in the home. Without treatment this will generally not go away on its own. People with it will die on the hill of food hording regardless of the rifts it causes in their personal lives. Dude is in for a life of aggravation until she accepts help.
This could've been handled better. Wife obviously has some neurosis here that she can't or won't try to manage. But OP *was* avoiding communication by buying it & bringing it home when wife was away, then not saying anything to her. Just sat back & waited to battle against her eventual reaction. She was delighted when she mistakenly thought he was feeding into her obsession & enabling it. He might've anticipated this & been ready & delighted to smugly shoot her down and finally make his big stand. Or, more optimistically, he might've been hoping she'd ask why he'd gotten another freezer (or realized on her own) & might finally come to terms with how her neurosis is affecting them. Either way, it would've been far better to discuss this BEFORE he bought it, so that there would be an understanding in place once it arrived (even if he still needed to lock it later to enforce it). Instead, he planted a bomb & waited for it to go off. Time to sift through the rubble now. No winners here.
Nta. Going thru this with my mum. We bought a freezer during covid, and all meat was supposed to be rotated. Well, she decided it was easier to buy new meat that didn't need thawed... I'm now throwing out meat and could not be more furious after 1+ years of bickering! My dad is fed up as well. Food waste and waste of an animal is something I don't take lightly. We may pad lock our freezer too since all issues have gone unlistened to! Throwing away food makes me sick!!!
There's no easy answer when you love someone who is mentally ill and who won't get help for it or even discuss it. You really need to get therapy for yourself, or try a group like Al-Anon that helps family members of addicted and ill people. Then you can shift the focus back to what *you* are willing to live with, what your own boundaries are, what you want out of life, instead of draining all your energy trying to diagnose and change the other person. But there's still not an easy answer. In the end, you may well have to decide to let go of the person, even though you love them.
NTA, with the caveat that you should have discussed the new freezer (mine, not yours, no touchy.) before she saw it and got all excited. This looks like fairly classic horder - it is a compulsion, and hoarders will infringe on peoples boundries and break promises to hoard. There will never be 'enough' freezer space or frozen food to satisfy the compulsion.Your wife needs professional help. Get her some before your entire basement is filled with freezers. If she won't go to a therapist, try bringing one to the house for an intervention. The big a*****e move was binning the food. Very wasteful, there are surely places that it could be donated.
Ooh! Yes! He should have donated the food! Many food pantries can store frozen food nowadays.
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The marriage may have deeper issues if it took so little effort for her to blow up and issue an ultimatum. I admit that my own freezer is full, but if there's something in there that hasn't seen the light of day for over 6 months, out it goes. I only harass my husband to eat his food in there because once it's out of sight, he forgets about it. I don't know if she's had food insecurity in the past but this sounds more like a compulsory need to fill something that's empty. But she needs therapy regardless, for the hoarding food issue, her own controlling problem and the failure to communicate problem. Husband has been more than accommodating, and communicating his problems clearly, while she is having problems on her end.
Is she eating all.this food? How long has the food been in these freezers? She must be hoarding it
NTA...for wanting your own freezer...but yet you are the a**hole for throwing perfectly good food away. Do you not understand that there are many people out there that could have used the food you wasted. Instead of throwing it away you could have taken it to a shelter and donated it to feed those in need.
You're so right, I wish I could up vote you many times
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While I agree that she needs therapy, his current plan is bs. We're have 2 freezers too. One is attached to the fridge and it's a large one compared to other fridge/freezer models. We also have a small chest freezer. The small chest freezer holds at least 3 times the amount of food that the large fridge freezer does. Also, I have health issues and often am unable to cook so we buy a lot of microwave food. Those boxes are often twice the size of the food that's in them. We put the frozen meat and veggies in the smaller fridge freezer and the microwave meals in the chest freezer. My teenage son can empty that chest freezer in 3 days. To me, it makes more sense to give him the "large" fridge freezer for his few microwave meals and frozen veggies and give her the bigger freezer to help her feel more secure. I think it's funny how he tries to turn the audience against her by talking about how unhealthy her choices are and then mentions his own microwave meals.
This would be the same as a man only wanting a few outfits and needing 10% of the closet space while she practices "retail therapy" and uses every last bit of space. So he then decides this is unfair and makes it so that he has 80% of the closet space, that he says he doesn't need... He's just trying to???? Make a point? Upset his mentally ill wife? People in the middle of crazy, whether it be from mental illness or drug addiction, etc... Can't see it. He has to stage an intervention.
Load More Replies... I can understand the freezer getting full eventually with an unbalance eventually happening, but litterally going on a spending spree to immediately fill a freezer with your food when you already have plenty of food is getting into the realm of indicating some sort of mental health issues. I could even understand using multiple freezers to store your food assuming since they are using cheap to run and assuming you have some sort of backup power supply being able to store a decent food supply if you get caught in a serious natural disaster can potentially be useful.
I had a great aunt who did similar. When she was growing up back in the way backs my grandfather's family had problems getting enough food. When she passed my grandma was helping her husband clean the house. In addition to the roomful of QVC stuff never removed from the boxes, they would find hidden food. Cake mixes under floorboards, flour under beds properly stored, beans behind the couch, and more. Gran thought it was weird as hell, but I told her it made sense knowing their history.
Kind of TA for throwing away the food. I'm sure there's a pantry or something that would be better suited for it
My wife has a similar problem. She can spend $150 on games (buying games and microtransactions). But if I buy 1 (I always buy discounts, so $10-35), she tells her parents that I'm spending us into oblivion on games. I started keeping track (via our shared bank account. I can track it via the app), and pointed out the issue with it to her. She has since started working on resolving it.
I am the crazy lady with three freezers. My Mom and Dad had 6 kids and couldn't afford one. You know what it feels like to be bullied out of food? Do you know what it's like to give your food to your child and go to bed hungry? Or nepotism where one child is given treats and the rest aren't? You used to have to qualify for foods stamps every month on an application at the food stamp office IN OFFICE so my Mom would have to take us all there with her every month to get 30 or 40 bucks in paper food stamps. Bologna was a miracle and I still can't live without it. Every time I see a mark down sticker My "light turns on". You'd have to born so insecure to understand.
She needs serious therapy. Definitely a hoarder and something is going on in her mind that makes her feel like she needs to fill everything up.
I know someone like that. Same exact issue, food hoarding.She will ask, even tell you, "Hungry? You know where the kitchen is. Go make yourself something to eat." As soon as you step into the kitchen, "WTF are you getting into!? NO! That's for...Get out of there! NOW!" ...ssmh🤔🤨🤬 Really don't know what to say about help for these ppl
I was going to say YTA but after reading this, nope. After living with someone with a food hoarding issue (who has never had food poverty when ironically i have) i feel his pain. I have begged, pleaded, debated, argued, and torn my fking hair out bc we literally didn't have anywhere to fit the packets, cans and frozen food and everytime I tried to give something away or toss it there was hell to pay. *NTA*
NTA, my evil step mother hoarded food, canned and frozen. She had 2 fridges with iceboxes on the top, a chest freezer AND an upright freezer. Your wife needs help with her hoarding issues.
ITA with the ppl who think it's a food insecurity issue for her. Maybe she grew up in an environment where she was never sure when/where her next meal was coming from. Now that she's an adult with her own money, she wants to be "prepared" by having a deep freeze crammed full of stuff. However, that doesn't mean that OP shouldn't have his own space for his own stuff. I feel bad for OP's wife that she (presumably) grew up with food insecurity, but that doesn't mean she gets to tell OP that only she gets to store food, and if OP doesn't like the stuff in the freezer, too bad. If OP's wife won't go to counseling, it might be time for OP to call it quits.
i have a family friend like this, there are 3 chest freezers and 2 normal 2 door fridge-ration units on was supposedly suppose to have gone on the "fritz" so they replaced it was a newer larger one, and every possible square inch of all 5 appliances are OVERFULL ... the problem is that the "extra" normal fridge all the food in it has gone rotten, so it hasnt been used in over 2 years, other than chilling wine - i tried to help clean it and nearly died form puking ever 3 mins. said friend keeps buying 3 food for every ONE that gets used so the lids dont even shut on 2 of the 3 chest freezer and now the lids are broken and iced closed ... there is also food in them all that is probably 5 or more years old .... now the root of this issue is this woman grew up poor being one of 11 kids in in the 40s early 50s .... (there are also enough canned goods that could if you lined them up side by side go back and forth across a football field at least 5 times some of the cans being 30 years old)
Reminds me of my brothers parents... For a while we were homeless and they said they would let us live in their garage til we could get on our feet. They said we could use 1 shelf in the garage fridge and 1 shelf of the garage freezer (they are both the size of the average fridge) Dispute saying that...we barely got half a shelf of either. I asked them if everything in there was safe to eat, but they didn't even know what was in there. Then they kept putting stuff in there. I asked if it was okay to go thru and check expiration dates on everything and said I would take care of it all myself. They said okay. THERE WAS A HAM IN THERE THAT WAS 6 YEARS EXPIRED!!!!! 6 YEARS!!!!! They asked me not to throw it away kuz it was still edible. IT WAS BEYOND FROST BITTEN!!! IT WAS PETRIFIED AND GREY!!! I tossed it when they weren't looking along with about 95% of what was in that freezer. When they saw me taking the trash out the asked what I was doing and lost their minds!!! Then their .....
Continued... Then their other sons came out to see what was going on. They backed me up. "We don't eat this stuff! You over buy and then forget about it! When was the last time we had ribs? Or pot roast? You don't need to keep any of this! Let it go!" Eventually they gave in but kept us to the 1 shelf deal... 3 days later it was full again!!!
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Maybe he has a legitimate reason for throwing all the food in the trash, idk but times are tough AF and a garbage bag full or 70% of a deep freezers contents as he said could really help someone out quite a bit! But the lady deff has issues. I recognize it because I'm someone who grew up with little to no food and it has had lasting consequences on me as well. Hence why it bothers me that he threw all that food away. Shes being a real ah about it tho and needs some serious help before she ends up divorced over it
It’s kind of like someone who has a drug addiction but is in denial about it. She clearly has a food hoarding addiction and needs help for it. If she refuses help then maybe you should consider divorce.
To be honest I think this relationship is past saving she's already threatening to divorce over this yet refusing to seek help You don't threaten divorce over something like a freezer so clearly there's probably other factors and she's not happy. And he clearly is living in a freezer hell no pun intended at this point short of a multi-person intervention I think he needs to seek separation and start making ultimatums of his own One of which being that she needs to seek professional help because as people have stated this is not normal and not acceptable and furthermore not healthy for either party involved
Therapy doesn't work if the person was forced or coerced into it. Either she agrees, with some willingness of her own, to start AT LEAST couples therapy (as it can feel demeaning to be told to go to therapy by someone who is not in therapy themselves) or there's really no salvaging things. She sounds too far gone in other relationship skills; I bet that even if we ignored the freezer drama, there would be other issues. One of them being her boundary stomping and her nuclear reaction to the boundary being enforced. No way is she ready for a healthy, mature relationship.
Load More Replies... She might have lots of issues besides food insecurity. Is she on one of those diet plans where you have to buy the food from a certain company? Is she very controlling about her food and what she eats? Agree with commenters saying this couple needs to see a therapist. If she's even willing to go, that's a whole other issue.
Nta, but I do have questions. Like, who is the primary person who makes food in the house? I've grown pretty accustomed to relying on our mini deep freeze for bulk batches and meal prep. It makes cooking much easier, and I feel like the house cook should be given the larger space while the other partner should be given the smaller freezer in the fridge, if the couple can't share.
I'm guessing she's under the belief that she had to take care of household stuff like food and so anything you do, like frozen burritos is encroaching on their authority. She "let's"you have it for a short time but absolutely you can't manage anything food related because that's her job
Either tell her to buy her own second deep freezer so you can have yours padlock and all to yourself or take all the stuff from the main freezer upstairs and put it in the deep freezer and lock the one on the fridge. Either way there is a problem. If she's buying all this food and it's going bad before she eats it that's an issue. If she never got to pick what she wanted to eat then that's maybe an issue. If it's because she has a hoarding issue then that's also an ocd therapy thing. Maybe poke around her friends and see if she's ever ask to store food at their houses too. Or get her a storage unit that she can fill with used Craigslist freezers and pay for the electric bills and storage and fill to her hearts content. And keep yours padlocked.
I mean with the storage unit she can pay for it and any freezes and electric bills. Then she can see how stupid it's getting. Microwaves can only nuke one meal at a time anyway. Lol
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the fact that it is all microwave dinners and not food you can prepare, like a few steaks, chicken, pork...is there any ice cream or frozen fruit? this is very extreme.
Since she already threatened divorce and is gaslighting him when she is actually the controlling one refusing to get the help she needs, he would tell her to either buy her own freezer or call a therapist or a lawyer but she is not getting access to his freezer.
ETA here. Her for the freezer fixation, him for throwing out food that poor families could have used.
Yeah, yikes. OP kind of sounds like he's exhausted his resources on this one and if she's the one threatening divorce I can't see another choice. It seems like a weird thing to get divorced over, but if she refuses to admit that she has an issue and as he said won't go to therapy unless he were to drug her, there's a lot more of a problem than just freezer space.
Not everything frozen cooks well or taste good. Have some of that stuff for dinner two or three times a week. Make sure its something you or she might not like. Then explain to her it would be a waste of money to buy that again. Go through the food in the freezers with her once a month and donate it to a food kitchen someplace thats going to use it immediately. Go grocery shopping with her and when she picks up an item tell her you don't like the way this or that taste so it would be a waste of money to buy it. You will have to go shopping with her almost everytime gently using your veto powers with explanations. She will eventually get it in her head. My husband was like that. If it was on sale he bought it. Even thought no one would eat it. I would cook the stuff knowing it would end up in the trash just to show him it was a waste of money to shop that way. He eventually got the picture.
I'm sure I'm not the first one to mention this but food insecurities and hoarding are progressive mental conditions. This situation is not going to get better on its own. So I would be threatening divorce if she does not commit to therapy for at least 6 months.
Please your wife needs help and I give you a high five you have every frkin right to have freeze space. The only thing is I'm sorry you had to go out and buy your own. Please don't let her have access to your Freeze!
Lay all of the items out and allow her to see how ridiculous it is. She'll be able to see that it's not okay and either address it, ignore it or flip out. If that's her only outrageous quirk then see if you can live with it. Otherwise get a therapist for yourself as a last resort before going the legal route.
First of all, this is kinda gas-lighting and she needs help, but if she refuses then you can't force her, so I have a temporary solution to the freezer space problem. Whilst your wife is out, go through the freezer and find food that has more than one packet, put it in a cooler or freezer bag, and donate it. Eg, if there's 5 boxes of fish fingers, donate 3 or 4 of them. I doubt there's any way your wife could object to this if she even notices, as she gets more freezer space and doesn't have to (completely) get rid of anything. But yeah keep trying
The real issue is why the wife feels compelled to buy more frozen dinners than can reasonably be eaten. Seems like a food insecurity issue. A padlock isnt the answer, therapy is.
He needs a separate fn bank account. If she doesn't work, boo hoo, stop buying so much sh*t. Also, she's the fn controlling one, and to try to turn it around and gaslight you is bullsh*t too. So many women do this sh*t and it's fn disgusting. The bad thing is that society ignores it and even glorifies the sh*t when they do it.
NTA and this seems to be a red flag. Does she do this in other areas of your marriage? She is a food hoarder and has no boundaries.
I have the solution to this issue: no microwave. The wife will probably find something else to hoard though. Guy needs to run for the hills.
I've been stocking on non perishables and frozen foods myself but geez. Only thing I disagree with is throwing out good food. Could have given it away to ppl or eaten it. That's not cool.
I have a question. Do these people cook? I mean, I have some frozen food in my freezer too. For times when I was very busy, or at the doctor's with kids etc. and I had no time to cook or something. But usually I cook every day. I try to make meals that take me max 30 min. Once or twice a week I make something more time consuming. I always feel like these people never cook and come home and microwave frozen things.
Many people can't cook or just don't have time. I used to work two jobs, I know how it is
Load More Replies... You need to find out why your wife is hoarding food. Was she very poor growing up and often went without food, as my ex husband did? Does she have an eating disorder? A phobia? Was she raised with elders who lived through the depression and heard stories of going without food? Or does she have a personality disorder that needs to be evaluated? That's the first thing that needs to be addressed because what she's doing is not normal behavior, no matter the reason and she needs therapy and possibly medication and behavior modification therapy for this to be resolved. But you should donate the food instead of throwing it away because there are a lot of people going hungry that could use it instead of it going to waste. You also might want to think of ways to limit your wife's spending until she can receive treatment and until treatment starts to work, because it will take time to overcome her symptoms.
Totally NTA... His wife has some serious issues. The need to 100% fill all the freezers, crammed full with food is not normal. As well noticeable conditions I believe she has from the story, he shared. My opinion on the many troubling problems, his wife more than likely suffers from. This is linked to her own insecurities, irrational thoughts and behavior, OCD, anxiety, the need to control everything and probably everyone, delusional thinking, selfishness, bossyness, lack of comprehension, inability to follow or understand simple instructions, pure lack of consideration for him, immaturity and incompetence. I do believe she needs to have regular appointments with a psychiatrist. Before your relationship is in real danger of failing. Maybe call someone for her and go ahead and make an appointment, then you both go together on the first one. Tell her you are worried about your guys marriage and this is not debatable, she needs to do it for you and you guys as a couple.
The guy clearly has a hoarder on his hands, but that just might be the symptom of an underlying deeper issue. Obviously a job for a professional. Shrink, that is.
Hoarding is always a symptom of an underlying issue. Unless of course there is an actual real world reason for it. For instance, for a little while most Americans were hoarding toilet paper.
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I understand the notion to buy food for later. Especially with the inflation going on here in Europe. But the space you have together is supposed to be shared and when your spouse wants to put things in the freezer that belongs to both of them, it's supposed to be just as normal as sharing a meal or your bed.
ESH. Your wife for hoarding food and you for thinking that chucking her stuff out and padlocking the fridge was a good idea.
How else is the man supposed to get any room for his food? He has been more than fair and patient with her.
Load More Replies... I agree with the commenters, especially jwjnthrowawaykfeiofj, that your wife likely has a food insecurity issue, and asking her some of those questions might help her see that she needs some professional help. But throwing away perfectly good food? For that, you are definitely an a**hole. You could have just put the padlock on, and transferred the food to "her" freezer later. We are not as fortunate as you to have enough money to put food in the freezer for a "rainy day", let alone for months, and I am sick to my stomach thinking about the fact that you wasted all of that, when it could have helped someone who often has to extend a pot of food with corn starch, just to make it last another meal. Shame on you.
Ok so, as someone who grew up learning to hoard food, I kind of get where she's coming from. But at the same time... Chicks got a whole a*s freezer to herself. She does NOT need another. What she needs is therapy and if she's not gonna get it then the least she can do is acknowledge how unfair it is to treat her partner like that and shut her trap about the second freezer.
No wait, I need to know who Tim is! "But before you run off, we’d love to hear from you—especially you, Tim—on what OP should do, or what he should not do"
I would have installed 3 locks minimum by days end, ultimatum be damned.
This reminds me of the I Love Lucy episode when she buys too much meat and gets a commercial freezer installed in the basement. What will she do if the power goes out and eventually all the food starts to thaw? And, does she realize that even frozen food won't keep well forever?
She has a hoarding issue. It's like she's saving up for the apocalypse
When I saw the headline, I immediately assumed OP was TA. After reading it, I have to say this was the best solution for his problem. Also, this seems like an empty ultimatum; though it is extreme to say the least. Maybe OP could buy his wife a freezer like his, but that probably wouldn't stop the problem. NTA OP, good luck though. 🥶
I think the bigger issue here is her refusal to communicate. No marriage will survive if both parties don't feel heard or respected. Also, anyone who gets enraged at the mention of therapy is unlikely to change. She doesn't see anything wrong with her behaviour, which is unfortunate. She's not even trying to see things from his perspective. And yes, it's likely she has some mental health issues and that doesn't go away with time, it only gets worse. I sympathize but when someone refuses to accept help, there isn't a lot you can do except to set some difficult boundaries.
All other issues aside, why so many frozen dinners? Those things are awful for you and generally not very tasty. Im a bit of a freezer hoarder regular fridge freezer but also 20cubic foot freezer in the breezeway but e vast majority is vacuum packed meats I bought on sale and packed. Bonus is I have a whole house automatics throw over generator I had installed. Tornado prone area, been great to have.
Not true, there is so many good and healthy frozen dinners, you just need to make good choices. I have a freezer full of them because when I'm at work my husband or teenagers won't cook for themselves. It stops them from going to McDonald's or having cookies for dinner
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Who has this much frozen food? I have a tiny freezer and less than half of it is full. Like, is the fridge full too? Also, sounds like an incredibly strange problem. Who has that much food in the freezer? I don't understand. Do they only eat premade frozen food?
Hoarders don't need a reason to hoard. It's psychological.
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How much of this is she even consuming? Those crappy frozen meals aren't that cheap either.
Everyone in the household needs to eat at least 3 times a day... And frozen meals are not crappy unless you're buying cheap or unhealthy stuff
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Microwaveable dinners are her security blanket? Doesn't she know that processed foods are unhealthy for her? She's marking territory, so don't be too shocked when she hoists her leg and pees on the chest freezer in the basement. Nice that you can afford to toss $350 in frozen food. Your local soup kitchen would have fed their entire clientele for a day. So you're not the @hole in your house. But you're still an @hole.
Frozen meals can be healthy, depending on what you choose.. and you ATA for throwing that much food away just to be an a-hole to her
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I don't understand why having your own space is an issue. I imagine in that household you have a sock drawer, she has a sock drawer, you have a cabinet for stuff, she has well, probably the rest of the house. It's for your stuff. She has another place to put the rest of stuff.
But living with a hoarder is a whole other deal than living with someone that isn't. My dad is really to being one, but if you watch the show Hoarders, it is so dang difficult to reason with them. That's the wife in this case. It's not about needing her own space, it's about control and the need to have everything even though it's not necessary or needed.
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Dude... she has issues. Psychological issues. Also, if her entire consists of frozen dinners, which it sounds like it does, her health must be s**t. That stuff is all sodium. What a wack job.
Not necessarily, there is so many healthy options, you just need to make good choices
Load More Replies... I can't imagine going through this for four years, much less forty. It's never going to change. Get out now.
So everyone's just going to take this dude's story as point blank the truth? Where are his contributions in the grocery shopping? If he wants a say in the food storage, why isn't he a part of the food buying and planning? Also left out of the information is whether they have children? Because maybe she's the sole person responsible for feeding their whole family. And sorry not sorry but I'm not buying that she "bugs him about the freezer 3x a day". That sounds like an exaggeration at best. Then, rather than viewing his wife with compassion if she does in fact have a hoarding disorder, he makes a massive-passive-aggressive purchase that he doesn't include her in(even though it's her house too and she would inevitably find it regardless), and proceeds to command to her that it's off limits, and then passive aggressively chains the whole thing closed. That's NOT how you deal with someone who has mental health issues that's only going to trigger her into a spiral. Yeah he's the a*****e
You're clearly in the minority here. She's buying way more food then they need obviously. If they needed the food the freezer wouldnt be constantly full and the amount of food in the freezer wouldn't keep increasing. Their a married couple so I'm more than willing to bet they probably split the food costs. What's funny is I could tell you would side with the wife once I saw your profile picture. The wife sounds like a nutjob, the guy sounds like he just wants a little something to call his own, which kinda shows how controlling the wife can be. I can also absolutely see her asking 3x a day "when are you going to eat/get rid of this" she probably asks him every meal time or every time she opens the freezer and sees one of his items in there.
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I get that it's fustrating, but a pad lock? That seems a little much...
He specifically stated that that was his personal freezer, and she had I believe two other freezers that she could fill to the rim to her heart's content. Also, he only got the padlock after she crossed his boundaries.
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You clearly have no idea what it is like to live with a hoarder. It just keeps getting worse and worse. He has to take a stand at some point and it really looks like he has done everything he can to preserve the relationship. Even going to the extent of spending thousands of dollars on a freezer. Also, if one of them loses their job and she is still spending tons of money on food that they do not need, then it seems like not dealing with this issue earlier would be a problem. It is really not a good idea to ignore the problem.
Load More Replies... So you think hoarders don't exist? Those of us that have had personal experience with this know better.
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He threw out food one time, because she ignored his request not to use his freezer. She's buying too much food and it will go bad before she eats it. Frozen meals also have an expiration date. She needs therapy.
Load More Replies... If he said anything about the freezer it would have been full before he could plug it in. I'm just wondering what these two do for a living that they can just go out and buy a new freezer AND fill it 70% in less than a couple of days. I don't know if I fully believe this story, but it is a more interesting one than some of the obvious fakes that land on this site.
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The husband has tried talking, suggested therapy (she threatened to divorce him), etc. She keeps frozen food for about six months before using it, while nagging him several times a day to remove a few frozen burritos. She refuses any compromise. At this point, he'd have to keep a freezer off the premises.
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I agree, throwing away edible food makes me angry at such waste. As an adult, I have experienced poverty and lived on what others throw away. I agree with removing his wife's food, but he should have donated it.
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My husband is a hoarder. Began with a collection that he kept neatly packed away, catalogued and everything. Then he got turned on the collecting toys. Soon there wasn't anywhere to walk. I can't get him to therapy about it - he thinks I'm the one with issues. The picture I've attached isn't the worst of it. comics-62c...ab09aa.jpg
It's fascinating that she sees his behaviour are controlling, but fails to see her own actions as such. It happens so many times with controlling people. As soon as their partner stands up and says, "No, enough, I need to have a share too." the partner is labelled as demanding or manipulative.
I wonder if she grew up really poor and is hoarding all the food now because she's scared to be without it?
I thought the same thing. She might have been hungry a lot and now has this issue. I kinda feel sorry for her. I hope she get's help (therapy).
Load More Replies... You cannot reason with a hoarder. It’s impossible to convince them they have a problem in the first place, let alone make them get therapy and even then it’s lifelong struggle and full of relapses. I have it in the family. Heard every excuse under the sun why they need that useless bit of c**p they are never gonna use. Sometimes walking away to save your sanity is the only way.
Yep. Those stacks of newspapers that go back decades can't be thrown away because "there might be an article I want to keep."
Load More Replies... “I’m leaving if you don’t let me use that freezer” Okay bye! Take your frozen food with you! Okay going from snarky to serious here, she👏needs👏help👏
No kidding. Why did you even get married to someone this crazy in the first place?
Load More Replies... The elephant in the room here is that this poor man has tried everything including talking to her about getting help and she is straight up refusing and acting like a petulant child at what point should he walk away from this because this is not healthy for him either. He can't force somebody to get help no one can and if she doesn't want to take the steps to get help there isn't really much he can do so he can continue to live in his hell or he can let it go and move on and honestly at this point I think that's what he needs to do Short of having an intervention and getting other people involved that is pretty much the last thing that he can try
There's very few things worse than being married to someone with a serious mental illness that they refuse to acknowledge and seek treatment for. One of them is being married to someone who is controlling in addition to the fact that they have a mental illness they refuse to seek treatment for.
My mom is an absolute menace about food storage and waste. She will buy food for you and then harass you until you eat it. She'll complain about other people's food taking up space while she has 47 condiments in the fridge and she'll get mad and complain if someone else eats the last item of something she supposedly wanted but would've gone bad, which would've also made her mad. I feel bad for this guy.
That last part sounds like my mother, she gets mad if I eat the food and gets mad if it spoils.
Load More Replies... NTA could this be solved with one chest freezer each? But bottom line, this was a good plan, communicated well and then not respected. You were totally within bounds. Respecting the other person's physical space is essential for healthy living. I have an extra dresser, my partner has an extra clothes rail (bought independently) and if he filled my dresser with his clothes, after I'd asked him not to, I would take the clothes out. With frozen food, you have to dump it because it will spoil, and you can usually donate it, because they don't know how it's been stored, so you had to throw it away. NTA
They already essentially gave a freezer each. His wife wants more.
Load More Replies... NTA for the padlock and putting his foot down but I'd be enraged that he threw away food. Surely he could have eaten some of it, or put some in the work freezer with a free note, or asked if the neighbors or a charity could take some? I hate food waste. So YTA for throwing away food, but NTA in general.
No, he's not the AH for throwing the food away. It's not his responsibility. SHE is the one wasting the food by putting him in that position in the first place.
Load More Replies... Reading the title, I expected a slam-dunk YTA, or ESH at best. But this is a clear NTA. The boundaries were clearly defined. Wife was ceded the entire fridge freezer to herself. Husband bought his own freezer with his own money and set boundaries again. She violated the boundaries. She refuses to go to therapy, and I assume that includes couples therapy. She violated his boundary, violated his space, and as a consequence he defended and enforced his boundary. She can buy her own freezer. She can also leave the relationship if she can't share food storage like a civil person.
I grew up in a household where there was little to no food on a given day. My mother shopped maybe once a month. We are not Talking about a normal huge shop. It was just for appearance. I grew up knowing how bad margarine tasted and still cringe at the idea of food tasting like the fridge. I have major food issues as an adult. It would appear that his wife is suffering. I'm really happy to hear that he finally took a stand though. My husband took a stand with me too. It helped big time. I am still not quite where I should be, but I'm getting there. I hope his wife gets the help she needs.
Can I ask what helped you? I'm asking because I'm a borderline hoarder.
Load More Replies... I was ready to say YTA until I read his explaining posts. It is totally shitty to put padlock on something in a shared house, but the wife has issues.
Most definitely sounds like she has a food hording disorder. Most people that have food hording disorders have had trauma in their past that causes it. Like not having food as a kid or not enough food to go around for everyone in the home. Without treatment this will generally not go away on its own. People with it will die on the hill of food hording regardless of the rifts it causes in their personal lives. Dude is in for a life of aggravation until she accepts help.
This could've been handled better. Wife obviously has some neurosis here that she can't or won't try to manage. But OP *was* avoiding communication by buying it & bringing it home when wife was away, then not saying anything to her. Just sat back & waited to battle against her eventual reaction. She was delighted when she mistakenly thought he was feeding into her obsession & enabling it. He might've anticipated this & been ready & delighted to smugly shoot her down and finally make his big stand. Or, more optimistically, he might've been hoping she'd ask why he'd gotten another freezer (or realized on her own) & might finally come to terms with how her neurosis is affecting them. Either way, it would've been far better to discuss this BEFORE he bought it, so that there would be an understanding in place once it arrived (even if he still needed to lock it later to enforce it). Instead, he planted a bomb & waited for it to go off. Time to sift through the rubble now. No winners here.
Nta. Going thru this with my mum. We bought a freezer during covid, and all meat was supposed to be rotated. Well, she decided it was easier to buy new meat that didn't need thawed... I'm now throwing out meat and could not be more furious after 1+ years of bickering! My dad is fed up as well. Food waste and waste of an animal is something I don't take lightly. We may pad lock our freezer too since all issues have gone unlistened to! Throwing away food makes me sick!!!
There's no easy answer when you love someone who is mentally ill and who won't get help for it or even discuss it. You really need to get therapy for yourself, or try a group like Al-Anon that helps family members of addicted and ill people. Then you can shift the focus back to what *you* are willing to live with, what your own boundaries are, what you want out of life, instead of draining all your energy trying to diagnose and change the other person. But there's still not an easy answer. In the end, you may well have to decide to let go of the person, even though you love them.
NTA, with the caveat that you should have discussed the new freezer (mine, not yours, no touchy.) before she saw it and got all excited. This looks like fairly classic horder - it is a compulsion, and hoarders will infringe on peoples boundries and break promises to hoard. There will never be 'enough' freezer space or frozen food to satisfy the compulsion.Your wife needs professional help. Get her some before your entire basement is filled with freezers. If she won't go to a therapist, try bringing one to the house for an intervention. The big a*****e move was binning the food. Very wasteful, there are surely places that it could be donated.
Ooh! Yes! He should have donated the food! Many food pantries can store frozen food nowadays.
Load More Replies... The marriage may have deeper issues if it took so little effort for her to blow up and issue an ultimatum. I admit that my own freezer is full, but if there's something in there that hasn't seen the light of day for over 6 months, out it goes. I only harass my husband to eat his food in there because once it's out of sight, he forgets about it. I don't know if she's had food insecurity in the past but this sounds more like a compulsory need to fill something that's empty. But she needs therapy regardless, for the hoarding food issue, her own controlling problem and the failure to communicate problem. Husband has been more than accommodating, and communicating his problems clearly, while she is having problems on her end.
Is she eating all.this food? How long has the food been in these freezers? She must be hoarding it
NTA...for wanting your own freezer...but yet you are the a**hole for throwing perfectly good food away. Do you not understand that there are many people out there that could have used the food you wasted. Instead of throwing it away you could have taken it to a shelter and donated it to feed those in need.
You're so right, I wish I could up vote you many times
Load More Replies... While I agree that she needs therapy, his current plan is bs. We're have 2 freezers too. One is attached to the fridge and it's a large one compared to other fridge/freezer models. We also have a small chest freezer. The small chest freezer holds at least 3 times the amount of food that the large fridge freezer does. Also, I have health issues and often am unable to cook so we buy a lot of microwave food. Those boxes are often twice the size of the food that's in them. We put the frozen meat and veggies in the smaller fridge freezer and the microwave meals in the chest freezer. My teenage son can empty that chest freezer in 3 days. To me, it makes more sense to give him the "large" fridge freezer for his few microwave meals and frozen veggies and give her the bigger freezer to help her feel more secure. I think it's funny how he tries to turn the audience against her by talking about how unhealthy her choices are and then mentions his own microwave meals.
This would be the same as a man only wanting a few outfits and needing 10% of the closet space while she practices "retail therapy" and uses every last bit of space. So he then decides this is unfair and makes it so that he has 80% of the closet space, that he says he doesn't need... He's just trying to???? Make a point? Upset his mentally ill wife? People in the middle of crazy, whether it be from mental illness or drug addiction, etc... Can't see it. He has to stage an intervention.
Load More Replies... I can understand the freezer getting full eventually with an unbalance eventually happening, but litterally going on a spending spree to immediately fill a freezer with your food when you already have plenty of food is getting into the realm of indicating some sort of mental health issues. I could even understand using multiple freezers to store your food assuming since they are using cheap to run and assuming you have some sort of backup power supply being able to store a decent food supply if you get caught in a serious natural disaster can potentially be useful.
I had a great aunt who did similar. When she was growing up back in the way backs my grandfather's family had problems getting enough food. When she passed my grandma was helping her husband clean the house. In addition to the roomful of QVC stuff never removed from the boxes, they would find hidden food. Cake mixes under floorboards, flour under beds properly stored, beans behind the couch, and more. Gran thought it was weird as hell, but I told her it made sense knowing their history.
Kind of TA for throwing away the food. I'm sure there's a pantry or something that would be better suited for it
My wife has a similar problem. She can spend $150 on games (buying games and microtransactions). But if I buy 1 (I always buy discounts, so $10-35), she tells her parents that I'm spending us into oblivion on games. I started keeping track (via our shared bank account. I can track it via the app), and pointed out the issue with it to her. She has since started working on resolving it.
I am the crazy lady with three freezers. My Mom and Dad had 6 kids and couldn't afford one. You know what it feels like to be bullied out of food? Do you know what it's like to give your food to your child and go to bed hungry? Or nepotism where one child is given treats and the rest aren't? You used to have to qualify for foods stamps every month on an application at the food stamp office IN OFFICE so my Mom would have to take us all there with her every month to get 30 or 40 bucks in paper food stamps. Bologna was a miracle and I still can't live without it. Every time I see a mark down sticker My "light turns on". You'd have to born so insecure to understand.
She needs serious therapy. Definitely a hoarder and something is going on in her mind that makes her feel like she needs to fill everything up.
I know someone like that. Same exact issue, food hoarding.She will ask, even tell you, "Hungry? You know where the kitchen is. Go make yourself something to eat." As soon as you step into the kitchen, "WTF are you getting into!? NO! That's for...Get out of there! NOW!" ...ssmh🤔🤨🤬 Really don't know what to say about help for these ppl
I was going to say YTA but after reading this, nope. After living with someone with a food hoarding issue (who has never had food poverty when ironically i have) i feel his pain. I have begged, pleaded, debated, argued, and torn my fking hair out bc we literally didn't have anywhere to fit the packets, cans and frozen food and everytime I tried to give something away or toss it there was hell to pay. *NTA*
NTA, my evil step mother hoarded food, canned and frozen. She had 2 fridges with iceboxes on the top, a chest freezer AND an upright freezer. Your wife needs help with her hoarding issues.
ITA with the ppl who think it's a food insecurity issue for her. Maybe she grew up in an environment where she was never sure when/where her next meal was coming from. Now that she's an adult with her own money, she wants to be "prepared" by having a deep freeze crammed full of stuff. However, that doesn't mean that OP shouldn't have his own space for his own stuff. I feel bad for OP's wife that she (presumably) grew up with food insecurity, but that doesn't mean she gets to tell OP that only she gets to store food, and if OP doesn't like the stuff in the freezer, too bad. If OP's wife won't go to counseling, it might be time for OP to call it quits.
i have a family friend like this, there are 3 chest freezers and 2 normal 2 door fridge-ration units on was supposedly suppose to have gone on the "fritz" so they replaced it was a newer larger one, and every possible square inch of all 5 appliances are OVERFULL ... the problem is that the "extra" normal fridge all the food in it has gone rotten, so it hasnt been used in over 2 years, other than chilling wine - i tried to help clean it and nearly died form puking ever 3 mins. said friend keeps buying 3 food for every ONE that gets used so the lids dont even shut on 2 of the 3 chest freezer and now the lids are broken and iced closed ... there is also food in them all that is probably 5 or more years old .... now the root of this issue is this woman grew up poor being one of 11 kids in in the 40s early 50s .... (there are also enough canned goods that could if you lined them up side by side go back and forth across a football field at least 5 times some of the cans being 30 years old)
Reminds me of my brothers parents... For a while we were homeless and they said they would let us live in their garage til we could get on our feet. They said we could use 1 shelf in the garage fridge and 1 shelf of the garage freezer (they are both the size of the average fridge) Dispute saying that...we barely got half a shelf of either. I asked them if everything in there was safe to eat, but they didn't even know what was in there. Then they kept putting stuff in there. I asked if it was okay to go thru and check expiration dates on everything and said I would take care of it all myself. They said okay. THERE WAS A HAM IN THERE THAT WAS 6 YEARS EXPIRED!!!!! 6 YEARS!!!!! They asked me not to throw it away kuz it was still edible. IT WAS BEYOND FROST BITTEN!!! IT WAS PETRIFIED AND GREY!!! I tossed it when they weren't looking along with about 95% of what was in that freezer. When they saw me taking the trash out the asked what I was doing and lost their minds!!! Then their .....
Continued... Then their other sons came out to see what was going on. They backed me up. "We don't eat this stuff! You over buy and then forget about it! When was the last time we had ribs? Or pot roast? You don't need to keep any of this! Let it go!" Eventually they gave in but kept us to the 1 shelf deal... 3 days later it was full again!!!
Load More Replies... Maybe he has a legitimate reason for throwing all the food in the trash, idk but times are tough AF and a garbage bag full or 70% of a deep freezers contents as he said could really help someone out quite a bit! But the lady deff has issues. I recognize it because I'm someone who grew up with little to no food and it has had lasting consequences on me as well. Hence why it bothers me that he threw all that food away. Shes being a real ah about it tho and needs some serious help before she ends up divorced over it
It’s kind of like someone who has a drug addiction but is in denial about it. She clearly has a food hoarding addiction and needs help for it. If she refuses help then maybe you should consider divorce.
To be honest I think this relationship is past saving she's already threatening to divorce over this yet refusing to seek help You don't threaten divorce over something like a freezer so clearly there's probably other factors and she's not happy. And he clearly is living in a freezer hell no pun intended at this point short of a multi-person intervention I think he needs to seek separation and start making ultimatums of his own One of which being that she needs to seek professional help because as people have stated this is not normal and not acceptable and furthermore not healthy for either party involved
Therapy doesn't work if the person was forced or coerced into it. Either she agrees, with some willingness of her own, to start AT LEAST couples therapy (as it can feel demeaning to be told to go to therapy by someone who is not in therapy themselves) or there's really no salvaging things. She sounds too far gone in other relationship skills; I bet that even if we ignored the freezer drama, there would be other issues. One of them being her boundary stomping and her nuclear reaction to the boundary being enforced. No way is she ready for a healthy, mature relationship.
Load More Replies... She might have lots of issues besides food insecurity. Is she on one of those diet plans where you have to buy the food from a certain company? Is she very controlling about her food and what she eats? Agree with commenters saying this couple needs to see a therapist. If she's even willing to go, that's a whole other issue.
Nta, but I do have questions. Like, who is the primary person who makes food in the house? I've grown pretty accustomed to relying on our mini deep freeze for bulk batches and meal prep. It makes cooking much easier, and I feel like the house cook should be given the larger space while the other partner should be given the smaller freezer in the fridge, if the couple can't share.
I'm guessing she's under the belief that she had to take care of household stuff like food and so anything you do, like frozen burritos is encroaching on their authority. She "let's"you have it for a short time but absolutely you can't manage anything food related because that's her job
Either tell her to buy her own second deep freezer so you can have yours padlock and all to yourself or take all the stuff from the main freezer upstairs and put it in the deep freezer and lock the one on the fridge. Either way there is a problem. If she's buying all this food and it's going bad before she eats it that's an issue. If she never got to pick what she wanted to eat then that's maybe an issue. If it's because she has a hoarding issue then that's also an ocd therapy thing. Maybe poke around her friends and see if she's ever ask to store food at their houses too. Or get her a storage unit that she can fill with used Craigslist freezers and pay for the electric bills and storage and fill to her hearts content. And keep yours padlocked.
I mean with the storage unit she can pay for it and any freezes and electric bills. Then she can see how stupid it's getting. Microwaves can only nuke one meal at a time anyway. Lol
Load More Replies... the fact that it is all microwave dinners and not food you can prepare, like a few steaks, chicken, pork...is there any ice cream or frozen fruit? this is very extreme.
Since she already threatened divorce and is gaslighting him when she is actually the controlling one refusing to get the help she needs, he would tell her to either buy her own freezer or call a therapist or a lawyer but she is not getting access to his freezer.
ETA here. Her for the freezer fixation, him for throwing out food that poor families could have used.
Yeah, yikes. OP kind of sounds like he's exhausted his resources on this one and if she's the one threatening divorce I can't see another choice. It seems like a weird thing to get divorced over, but if she refuses to admit that she has an issue and as he said won't go to therapy unless he were to drug her, there's a lot more of a problem than just freezer space.
Not everything frozen cooks well or taste good. Have some of that stuff for dinner two or three times a week. Make sure its something you or she might not like. Then explain to her it would be a waste of money to buy that again. Go through the food in the freezers with her once a month and donate it to a food kitchen someplace thats going to use it immediately. Go grocery shopping with her and when she picks up an item tell her you don't like the way this or that taste so it would be a waste of money to buy it. You will have to go shopping with her almost everytime gently using your veto powers with explanations. She will eventually get it in her head. My husband was like that. If it was on sale he bought it. Even thought no one would eat it. I would cook the stuff knowing it would end up in the trash just to show him it was a waste of money to shop that way. He eventually got the picture.
I'm sure I'm not the first one to mention this but food insecurities and hoarding are progressive mental conditions. This situation is not going to get better on its own. So I would be threatening divorce if she does not commit to therapy for at least 6 months.
Please your wife needs help and I give you a high five you have every frkin right to have freeze space. The only thing is I'm sorry you had to go out and buy your own. Please don't let her have access to your Freeze!
Lay all of the items out and allow her to see how ridiculous it is. She'll be able to see that it's not okay and either address it, ignore it or flip out. If that's her only outrageous quirk then see if you can live with it. Otherwise get a therapist for yourself as a last resort before going the legal route.
First of all, this is kinda gas-lighting and she needs help, but if she refuses then you can't force her, so I have a temporary solution to the freezer space problem. Whilst your wife is out, go through the freezer and find food that has more than one packet, put it in a cooler or freezer bag, and donate it. Eg, if there's 5 boxes of fish fingers, donate 3 or 4 of them. I doubt there's any way your wife could object to this if she even notices, as she gets more freezer space and doesn't have to (completely) get rid of anything. But yeah keep trying
The real issue is why the wife feels compelled to buy more frozen dinners than can reasonably be eaten. Seems like a food insecurity issue. A padlock isnt the answer, therapy is.
He needs a separate fn bank account. If she doesn't work, boo hoo, stop buying so much sh*t. Also, she's the fn controlling one, and to try to turn it around and gaslight you is bullsh*t too. So many women do this sh*t and it's fn disgusting. The bad thing is that society ignores it and even glorifies the sh*t when they do it.
NTA and this seems to be a red flag. Does she do this in other areas of your marriage? She is a food hoarder and has no boundaries.
I have the solution to this issue: no microwave. The wife will probably find something else to hoard though. Guy needs to run for the hills.
I've been stocking on non perishables and frozen foods myself but geez. Only thing I disagree with is throwing out good food. Could have given it away to ppl or eaten it. That's not cool.
I have a question. Do these people cook? I mean, I have some frozen food in my freezer too. For times when I was very busy, or at the doctor's with kids etc. and I had no time to cook or something. But usually I cook every day. I try to make meals that take me max 30 min. Once or twice a week I make something more time consuming. I always feel like these people never cook and come home and microwave frozen things.
Many people can't cook or just don't have time. I used to work two jobs, I know how it is
Load More Replies... You need to find out why your wife is hoarding food. Was she very poor growing up and often went without food, as my ex husband did? Does she have an eating disorder? A phobia? Was she raised with elders who lived through the depression and heard stories of going without food? Or does she have a personality disorder that needs to be evaluated? That's the first thing that needs to be addressed because what she's doing is not normal behavior, no matter the reason and she needs therapy and possibly medication and behavior modification therapy for this to be resolved. But you should donate the food instead of throwing it away because there are a lot of people going hungry that could use it instead of it going to waste. You also might want to think of ways to limit your wife's spending until she can receive treatment and until treatment starts to work, because it will take time to overcome her symptoms.
Totally NTA... His wife has some serious issues. The need to 100% fill all the freezers, crammed full with food is not normal. As well noticeable conditions I believe she has from the story, he shared. My opinion on the many troubling problems, his wife more than likely suffers from. This is linked to her own insecurities, irrational thoughts and behavior, OCD, anxiety, the need to control everything and probably everyone, delusional thinking, selfishness, bossyness, lack of comprehension, inability to follow or understand simple instructions, pure lack of consideration for him, immaturity and incompetence. I do believe she needs to have regular appointments with a psychiatrist. Before your relationship is in real danger of failing. Maybe call someone for her and go ahead and make an appointment, then you both go together on the first one. Tell her you are worried about your guys marriage and this is not debatable, she needs to do it for you and you guys as a couple.
The guy clearly has a hoarder on his hands, but that just might be the symptom of an underlying deeper issue. Obviously a job for a professional. Shrink, that is.
Hoarding is always a symptom of an underlying issue. Unless of course there is an actual real world reason for it. For instance, for a little while most Americans were hoarding toilet paper.
Load More Replies... I understand the notion to buy food for later. Especially with the inflation going on here in Europe. But the space you have together is supposed to be shared and when your spouse wants to put things in the freezer that belongs to both of them, it's supposed to be just as normal as sharing a meal or your bed.
ESH. Your wife for hoarding food and you for thinking that chucking her stuff out and padlocking the fridge was a good idea.
How else is the man supposed to get any room for his food? He has been more than fair and patient with her.
Load More Replies... I agree with the commenters, especially jwjnthrowawaykfeiofj, that your wife likely has a food insecurity issue, and asking her some of those questions might help her see that she needs some professional help. But throwing away perfectly good food? For that, you are definitely an a**hole. You could have just put the padlock on, and transferred the food to "her" freezer later. We are not as fortunate as you to have enough money to put food in the freezer for a "rainy day", let alone for months, and I am sick to my stomach thinking about the fact that you wasted all of that, when it could have helped someone who often has to extend a pot of food with corn starch, just to make it last another meal. Shame on you.
Ok so, as someone who grew up learning to hoard food, I kind of get where she's coming from. But at the same time... Chicks got a whole a*s freezer to herself. She does NOT need another. What she needs is therapy and if she's not gonna get it then the least she can do is acknowledge how unfair it is to treat her partner like that and shut her trap about the second freezer.
No wait, I need to know who Tim is! "But before you run off, we’d love to hear from you—especially you, Tim—on what OP should do, or what he should not do"
I would have installed 3 locks minimum by days end, ultimatum be damned.
This reminds me of the I Love Lucy episode when she buys too much meat and gets a commercial freezer installed in the basement. What will she do if the power goes out and eventually all the food starts to thaw? And, does she realize that even frozen food won't keep well forever?
She has a hoarding issue. It's like she's saving up for the apocalypse
When I saw the headline, I immediately assumed OP was TA. After reading it, I have to say this was the best solution for his problem. Also, this seems like an empty ultimatum; though it is extreme to say the least. Maybe OP could buy his wife a freezer like his, but that probably wouldn't stop the problem. NTA OP, good luck though. 🥶
I think the bigger issue here is her refusal to communicate. No marriage will survive if both parties don't feel heard or respected. Also, anyone who gets enraged at the mention of therapy is unlikely to change. She doesn't see anything wrong with her behaviour, which is unfortunate. She's not even trying to see things from his perspective. And yes, it's likely she has some mental health issues and that doesn't go away with time, it only gets worse. I sympathize but when someone refuses to accept help, there isn't a lot you can do except to set some difficult boundaries.
All other issues aside, why so many frozen dinners? Those things are awful for you and generally not very tasty. Im a bit of a freezer hoarder regular fridge freezer but also 20cubic foot freezer in the breezeway but e vast majority is vacuum packed meats I bought on sale and packed. Bonus is I have a whole house automatics throw over generator I had installed. Tornado prone area, been great to have.
Not true, there is so many good and healthy frozen dinners, you just need to make good choices. I have a freezer full of them because when I'm at work my husband or teenagers won't cook for themselves. It stops them from going to McDonald's or having cookies for dinner
Load More Replies... Who has this much frozen food? I have a tiny freezer and less than half of it is full. Like, is the fridge full too? Also, sounds like an incredibly strange problem. Who has that much food in the freezer? I don't understand. Do they only eat premade frozen food?
Hoarders don't need a reason to hoard. It's psychological.
Load More Replies... How much of this is she even consuming? Those crappy frozen meals aren't that cheap either.
Everyone in the household needs to eat at least 3 times a day... And frozen meals are not crappy unless you're buying cheap or unhealthy stuff
Load More Replies... Microwaveable dinners are her security blanket? Doesn't she know that processed foods are unhealthy for her? She's marking territory, so don't be too shocked when she hoists her leg and pees on the chest freezer in the basement. Nice that you can afford to toss $350 in frozen food. Your local soup kitchen would have fed their entire clientele for a day. So you're not the @hole in your house. But you're still an @hole.
Frozen meals can be healthy, depending on what you choose.. and you ATA for throwing that much food away just to be an a-hole to her
Load More Replies... I don't understand why having your own space is an issue. I imagine in that household you have a sock drawer, she has a sock drawer, you have a cabinet for stuff, she has well, probably the rest of the house. It's for your stuff. She has another place to put the rest of stuff.
But living with a hoarder is a whole other deal than living with someone that isn't. My dad is really to being one, but if you watch the show Hoarders, it is so dang difficult to reason with them. That's the wife in this case. It's not about needing her own space, it's about control and the need to have everything even though it's not necessary or needed.
Load More Replies... Dude... she has issues. Psychological issues. Also, if her entire consists of frozen dinners, which it sounds like it does, her health must be s**t. That stuff is all sodium. What a wack job.
Not necessarily, there is so many healthy options, you just need to make good choices
Load More Replies... I can't imagine going through this for four years, much less forty. It's never going to change. Get out now.
So everyone's just going to take this dude's story as point blank the truth? Where are his contributions in the grocery shopping? If he wants a say in the food storage, why isn't he a part of the food buying and planning? Also left out of the information is whether they have children? Because maybe she's the sole person responsible for feeding their whole family. And sorry not sorry but I'm not buying that she "bugs him about the freezer 3x a day". That sounds like an exaggeration at best. Then, rather than viewing his wife with compassion if she does in fact have a hoarding disorder, he makes a massive-passive-aggressive purchase that he doesn't include her in(even though it's her house too and she would inevitably find it regardless), and proceeds to command to her that it's off limits, and then passive aggressively chains the whole thing closed. That's NOT how you deal with someone who has mental health issues that's only going to trigger her into a spiral. Yeah he's the a*****e
You're clearly in the minority here. She's buying way more food then they need obviously. If they needed the food the freezer wouldnt be constantly full and the amount of food in the freezer wouldn't keep increasing. Their a married couple so I'm more than willing to bet they probably split the food costs. What's funny is I could tell you would side with the wife once I saw your profile picture. The wife sounds like a nutjob, the guy sounds like he just wants a little something to call his own, which kinda shows how controlling the wife can be. I can also absolutely see her asking 3x a day "when are you going to eat/get rid of this" she probably asks him every meal time or every time she opens the freezer and sees one of his items in there.
Load More Replies... I get that it's fustrating, but a pad lock? That seems a little much...
He specifically stated that that was his personal freezer, and she had I believe two other freezers that she could fill to the rim to her heart's content. Also, he only got the padlock after she crossed his boundaries.
Load More Replies... You clearly have no idea what it is like to live with a hoarder. It just keeps getting worse and worse. He has to take a stand at some point and it really looks like he has done everything he can to preserve the relationship. Even going to the extent of spending thousands of dollars on a freezer. Also, if one of them loses their job and she is still spending tons of money on food that they do not need, then it seems like not dealing with this issue earlier would be a problem. It is really not a good idea to ignore the problem.
Load More Replies... So you think hoarders don't exist? Those of us that have had personal experience with this know better.
Load More Replies... He threw out food one time, because she ignored his request not to use his freezer. She's buying too much food and it will go bad before she eats it. Frozen meals also have an expiration date. She needs therapy.
Load More Replies... If he said anything about the freezer it would have been full before he could plug it in. I'm just wondering what these two do for a living that they can just go out and buy a new freezer AND fill it 70% in less than a couple of days. I don't know if I fully believe this story, but it is a more interesting one than some of the obvious fakes that land on this site.
Load More Replies... The husband has tried talking, suggested therapy (she threatened to divorce him), etc. She keeps frozen food for about six months before using it, while nagging him several times a day to remove a few frozen burritos. She refuses any compromise. At this point, he'd have to keep a freezer off the premises.
Load More Replies... I agree, throwing away edible food makes me angry at such waste. As an adult, I have experienced poverty and lived on what others throw away. I agree with removing his wife's food, but he should have donated it.
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