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It’s no big secret that every relationship comes with its unique set of norms, limits, and problems. Yet sometimes, especially if you don’t have a lot of expertise in the area, it can be hard to recognize whether the tendencies of your partner are actually normal or if they carry an unhealthy undertone.

This is particularly true in the case of long-term relationships since it may be easier to overlook and perhaps even rationalize someone’s conduct when you’ve given all of yourself to one person for such a lengthy period. However, regardless of your circumstances, there are certain relationship issues that you should never put up with, be it something as evil as abuse or as seemingly harmless as being a bit too clingy.

“People whose first relationship was very long-term, what weird thing did you believe was normal until you started seeing other people?” – this web user turned to one of Reddit’s most thought-provoking communities, asking its members to describe what traits and behaviors they thought were normal before they started dating others. The thread managed to garner over 57k upvotes as well as 11.8k comments discussing the random and sometimes rather toxic antics of ex-lovers.

More info: Reddit

#1

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else I texted my then new girlfriend about where I was and who I was with about every 30 minutes. After the 3rd time, she told me that she didn't need to get updates on what I was doing, and to just let her know when I got home safe. I remember feeling almost a physical weight being lifted off my chest because I didn't have to worry about my girlfriend freaking out if I didn't update her. I learned what trust felt like that night.

SirLuckey , joey zanotti Report

#2

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else Daily binge drinking until I realized a) I'm an alcoholic and b) hetero relationships don't work when one partner tries to drink the gay away

Only took me 9 years but I got there eventually

GaiaMoore , Paul Simpson Report

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harpling
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've heard of people trying to Pray the Gay Away (and Beat The Gay Away) but never Drinking the Gay Away. I would imagine all three methods are about equally succesful.

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#3

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else This is morbid but I thought it was normal to argue every day. I thought 'all couples have their bickering' and it was just a regular thing.

I was astounded when I went into my next relationship and actually got on with the guy and went weeks and weeks without having any issues. It always felt like the bubble was going to burst. Goes to show - don't stay in a relationship just because you've already invested a tonne of time. You get one life, spend it with someone who makes you laugh every day.

saturnbands182 , Liza Summer Report

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harpling
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I remember being shocked when I was small and over at a friend's house. His parents disagreed about something and then, amazingly, didn't start screaming! They discussd whatever it was (something about a trampoline, I think) calmly, and listened to each other, and compromised on a solution. I had never seen adults behave like that! I'd always thought screaming and shouting was how people disagreed, and it was perfectly normal to disagree about everything.

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#4

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else Your partner should actually make an effort to spend time with you. You shouldn't have to surprise them to spend any time with them.

Deadmeat553 , K-State Research and Extension Report

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Hey!
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I hate surprises. That would not go well with me. But I didn't have to make an effort seeing him before we married because we were always together. Now we're empty-nesters and we are spending even more time together.

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#5

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else Psychological abuse. I have a physical reaction now when my current partners are nice to me when I do something he would have berated me for hours and locked me in my room for. Like, I get a panic attack *because* my partners are nice to me when I drop a glass, or got laid off, or forgot to unload the dishwasher. And then they don't bring it up every time they're irritated with me. My ex was still yelling at me 14 years later for s**t I did when we first started dating - s**t like I forgot to pick up his laundry from the floor or bought the wrong brand of bacon. At the end there, the lectures lasted hours as he recounted 14 years of offenses. My current partners? They don't throw s**t in my face that I did the day before. The dissonance is crazy. I knew the other abuse wasn't normal, but my step dad is the same way with my mom, so I had no idea, I just thought it's how men are.

Tsingani , Almas Baig Report

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Lisa H
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My ex would constantly bring up the fact that I experimented with other guys prior to meeting him. "I'm so jealous that you did that thing with that one guy from years ago, but you won't do it with me." As I have tried to explain to him, that's when I realized I didn't like that thing, but he still acted hurt about it and took it as me rejecting him and not just accepting the fact that I have preferences in the bedroom. He never let it go.

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#6

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else That you should be happy together *now*, and not constantly waiting for some vaguely defined future where everything's settled down.

Zenco3DS , Jeremy Segrott Report

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N Miller
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If you grow together, youre always changing in tiny ways as you learn new things and have new experiences together. If we're talking a purely physics metaphor, in an ideal world things are never settled. (Plus I'm hiding spam)

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#7

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else My first boyfriend was so ridiculously clingy. Like if we were in bed together we would HAVE to cuddle otherwise he would cry and think that I was mad at him, when in reality I was just hot and wanted some space.

I just thought that's what relationships were.

My relationship now is nothing like that. It is so nice to be in the same room but doing completely seperate things and not have to worry about each other.

physicslover69 , Inzmam Khan Report

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Helena
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I too do not deal well with guys constantly clinging. We're good, I love you, I will snuggle you for a bit, but especially when I want to sleep, I need room.

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#8

Both oh my exbfs (2 years each relationship) told me that I had to be under 100lbs. I’m very petite but changed when I ate so I only ate one a day. My now husband has to kindly remind me that it’s okay to eat more then one meal.

Hippolina Report

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Purplescales
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That is just unacceptable to expect a grown adult to be under 100 pounds, that sounds like they wanted a child but wouldn’t admit it.

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#9

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else This is a little strange I guess, sort of an individual thing, but... with my first two relationships (5 years total between the two) I never realized how cuddly I am. I used to HATE being touched or kissed, and I never realized that wasn't just... the way I was. I even thought I might be asexual, but deep down I knew that wasn't the case.

My fiancé used to be the same way, but when we met, somehow things just... clicked into place.

itsFlycatcher , Andrea S Report

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#10

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else You're apparantly not supposed to be afraid of your boyfriend, and a man doing his share of his own housework is not impossible to come by nor something you can't realistically expect! Also your partner isn't supposed to hate your friends and family nor shout at you about not having steak for dinner. And throwing glasses/plates at you or throwing punches is, like, frowned upon. (I'm living a much better life nowadays, truly! :) )

GinnyMaple , Nicu Buculei Report

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Nathaniel
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The more I read about men like this, I wonder just how "normal" this behaviour is? It makes me feel embarrassed to be a man.

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#11

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else being cowed into an "open arrangement" = normal.

Him introducing me to "friends" while hanging out or going to parties and then him telling me later in the evening after the ice had broken that they were actually the girl(s) he was f*****g. Capitulating to his insistance that we continue to hang out even though I was uncomfortable with knowing this new information. = Normal.

Him making unwelcome and uncomfortable comments to other women I was friends with in front of me to attempt to orchestrate threesomes that I was not ok with.= Normal

If you love me, you'll chase after me = Normal

If you love me you'll leave face time up at all times so I can see whats going on in your dorm = Normal

If you love me you will not show any sad or mad emotion because it ruins my mood = Normal.

Angsty_Potatos , Thirdman Report

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#12

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else Crying. All. The. Time.

She would use tears to the point of manipulation. This was in high school btw. I thought that was just “a girl thing” but no way. My current gf and I have been dating for 3 and a half years and she only cries when she’s in pain or having a panic attack. Both of which are not my fault and I can help her through.

Damn I thought every girl cried like 3 times a day. If any of you are dating a Kendra from Southern California, get the hell away.

PackOfMeese , Karolina Grabowska Report

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Headless Roach
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Some people are more emotional than others, it will not be manipulation in every case. Having said that, you are not your partner's therapist.

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#13

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else People's love languages are all different. It's especially jarring when you have a *lot* of experience doing things a certain way, and then finding out that isn't what somebody else needs. It can take some work to figure out what's inherent to yourself and what was learned from your partner.

HelpfulCherry , Bhavishya Goel Report

#14

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else I would lick the side of my first girlfriend's face like a dog and she loved it. My second girlfriend slapped me when I tried it.

Natesradscreenname , Tambako The Jaguar Report

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Nathaniel
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Licking, apart from certain, very specific areas, is nasty. I am against saliva in general.

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#15

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else That sex should last more than 45 seconds

anon , j0hncooke Report

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#16

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else I see so much horrible things on here, mine is quite tame but here goes.

My first boyfriend would always leave me small presents or notes underneath my pillow if I had to get up earlier than he did. He was quite romantic and told me I love you quite a lot. When I got a new boyfriend I caught myself looking underneath my pillow for at least a month/2 months in, just out of habit.

Mila999 , Neeta Lind Report

#17

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else She made me believe the old TV tropes of women NEVER wanting sex. I had to work my a*s off to get her to give me some action.

The next girl I had was just f*****g amazed that I didn't just ask for it when I wanted it. The bewildered look on her face when she finally asked "You realize I'm horny too right?"

KhaosElement , Liz Lister Report

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Nathaniel
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If that woman was asexual that is one thing, if she was just holding it back for a power trip then that is wrong.

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Debbie
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Or maybe he was very self centered regarding sex and it wasn't very special/enjoyable for her. Doesn't mean she is asexual. Just that he might have been a lousy bedpartner.

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Debbie
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"to get her to give me some action" eh..how about her? To get active together, to give her enjoyment? Did she enjoy sex or did it just for you?

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Ches Yamada
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yeah, the way they phrase it here makes me think it wasn't a good experience for her, or he wanted her to beg & do things for him that were over the top.

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ERIKA H.
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This one comes across as icky to me. Partners don't owe you sex. If they don't want to have sex with you then they don't want to have sex with you.

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K Y
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm very happy the first gf got away from this freak. Coerced sex is non-consensual sex.

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Ruth Harper
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Dude, if you view sex as your girlfriend "giving you some action," rather than a mutual thing between equal partners, you just might be part of the problem.

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LilliVB
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Every person has a different sexual drive. It goes from asexual to constantly horny. The only way to make it work it's to talk about it. If the gap is too wide it probably won't last anyway, but if you don't talk about it even when the gap isn't that big, your relationship is gonna fail (assuming there is a gap, sometimes a couple has a similar sexual drive, so it doesn't matter that much, but I think that talk about it is a good approach anyway)

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and_a_touch_of_the_’tism
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is kinda striking me as entitled ex that didn’t respect his GF’s boundaries….

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Alana Voeks
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm on birth control for terrible menstrual periods and it totally kills any drive I have. Without it, I might have a libido, but it's way too active and then my periods are horrendous. I'd rather whoever I'm with to find fun elsewhere and have us do the different bonding things and me not be in misery than me be horny for their sakes. (Yes, I know this isn't normal, but I'm not in an environment where I'm safe to change it.)

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Potato
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"The next girl I had" just the way this person talks seems really disrespectful. You don't "HAVE" a person, you are "with" a person.

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Pizzagirl 91
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This guy reminds me of one of my exes. His way of "getting me in the mood" was either asking "do you want to f*ck?" or straight up starting to grope me when I was doing something else, like cooking. Not tentatively, no, he'd just grab my boobs or my butt and squeeze them, like that'd get me in the mood. By the end of that relationship (I was too young to end it earlier), I'd started to cringe at his touch, because it always came with the expectation of sex... It's so important to talk to your partner about both your libido and what is your way to get horny, especially since for many people (mostly women), the relaxed head space is more important than the actual touching part of the foreplay...

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Ladytron
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Something about how this guy expresses himself seems off to me. Seems more like he had his wants sexually and it didn't work for the first gf (why she didn't want to have sex). I mean, of course you lack interest when you get nothing out of it...I can be wrong, of course, it's just the vibe I got. Plus, no need to be a martyr, if you don't get what you want you communicate and if that doesn't work - you leave. No one should cater to your sexual needs out of obligation - no one owe you sex, not even your partner.

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Gypsy Lee
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Has it occurred to this gentleman that perhaps his view of sex being all action and no connection led to her disinclination towards being physical with him? And she didn't make you do anything, you should have talked to her about it like your next girlfriend did with you.

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#18

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else I grew up in a pretty strict Christian home and was taught that sex before marriage was a sin.

My first teenage boyfriend and I were together for 5 years and never came anywhere close to having sex. At the time, I thought it was because I was a good Christian. Since sex before marriage was wrong, I didn't want to have sex with him. All my friends were either having sex or struggling not to. I didn't understand this because I didn't have the desire to do "wrong," just as I didn't have the desire to hurt people or lie or steal.


He and I broke up as our lives went in different paths. My next relationship became sexual pretty quickly, and it was only then that I realized that I was never really attracted to my ex, which is why I didn't want to have sex with him.

Laceybram , Amelia Isa Report

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OnAFreakingRollercoaster
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How many times do I have to downvote and report spam for this guy to get blocked? He is so f***Ing annoying

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#19

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else My ex basically taught me that it wasn't okay for me to be upset about things. Every time I would get my feelings hurt (even when I was upset about something completely unrelated to him) it was somehow flipped around so I ended up reassuring and comforting him. That s**t really messed me up, and I basically had to relearn how to be vulnerable with my SO. He also had a very solid plan of how he expected me to live my life, basically his main goal for me was to have kids and be a good housewife. Yikes.

On the bright side, nowadays I'm happily engaged and my fiance treats me with so much love and respect. He's supportive of my dreams and we are able to lean on each other in times of hardship.

PartTimeKhajiit , MART PRODUCTION Report

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harpling
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sounds like the first guy's plan was for her to be a good housewife, mother, AND his personal therapist.

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#20

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else It wasn't super long term, only about a year but when you're in high school that's fairly long term. My ex was a very clingy dude, sweet but would follow me around every social gathering and get jealous of me spending time with my friends. When I started dating the guy who is now my husband I remember looking around at a party early on of mostly my friends that he hadn't met before and I couldn't find him. I asked someone where he was and he was out by the fire with a group of people chatting and hanging out. I was astonished that we could just go our separate ways in a social setting and that was totally fine, we didn't have to be attached at the hip the whole time.

Edit: When I say he would follow me around I literally mean he never left my side. And these were parties and things where he knew everyone as well. At one point my friend was upset so I went into a bedroom with her and another friend to talk to her and within five minutes he came into the room and even though this was obviously private he just stood in there. And I did tell him multiple times that we didn't constantly have to be beside each other. If you and your partner like to hang out at parties that's fine but it was suffocating to me. He was jealous of my friends and complained when I would make plans with them. Honestly we were young and he's probably a totally fine dude now. We were just not right together.

missluluh , joey zanotti Report

#21

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else That mental/emotional abuse and not doing things together was normal...if that makes sense.

We met online and our first date was okay...but that was the last time we ever really went out in public. He was older than me so after work he would come to my college dorm. He forced me to have sex, and would get angry with me if I didn't....mock sadness and disappointment in me. I didn't want to but I thought I loved him and I thought he knew best.

He would avoid me for months at a time, just saying he was busy (usually during the summer. He was a teacher), and then try to convince me everything was okay come September.

He got engaged to another woman while still trying to convince me we were a happy couple. They got married two months ago.

Yes, I should have registered the signs, but he was my first relationship ever and I just wanted to believe it was all normal and okay. :(

On a much happier, lighter note, I am currently engaged to the actual man of my dreams, and he treats me like a princess :)

mountaincal48 , Pixabay Report

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Luna Crow
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I really hope the OP reported this piece of s**t, maybe even warned the new wife. The description has rapist abuser written all over it. None of that is justifiable.

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#22

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else Not every guy wants to throw on Motown and slow dance with you. Some of them don't even care to touch you.

I miss the slow dances.

Horrorgoreandlove , cottonbro studio Report

#23

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else Putting his wants over my needs.

Putting his comfort above mine.

His comfort over my safety.

They shouldn't try to make you jealous. And definitely shouldn't get mad if it doesn't work.

They also shouldn't make you feel like one day their fist will find your face instead of a wall. Anger issues should not be normal. And one day I realized that if/when it happened, I could forgive him. I wish I had told someone that so they could have told me I should never even consider that possibility.

I also thought that violently swinging from rage to sappy romantic in less than a second was sweet, since it meant he was sorry for whatever he did or said.

PostItFrustrations , Stephanie Report

#24

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else My ex put her happines on me making it my responisbilty. Would demand I stay around and cut my work hours back and then be upset when we wouldnt have money to go out. Every time I would try and leave I was coerced with sex to stay, because I was young and stupid. After 8 years I had enough I moved 5 states away. Had a chain of bad relatsionships that ended, took some time to work on myself and im now engaged to an amazing woman I can communicate with share feelings about issues and who values a healthy relationship.

stevenuniverse_89 , richardhe51067 Report

#25

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else Her father hating me. I just thought this was normal, but in the subsequent 3 relationships (last one turning into a marriage and family) the parents were kind and I couldn't believe that is possible.

motorbiker1985 , Eric Chan Report

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lauralett50
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Some dad's do that if they believe you are not good enough for his "princess" . It's him not you.

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#26

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else just like a lot of toxic behaviour. It wasnt a healthy relationship and I found myself looking after the other person and organizing my life around their needs. 4 years later and im still learning what a healthy relationship looks like and what its like when someone is looking after my needs.

anon , Ketut Subiyanto Report

#27

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else Wait, not everyone wants commitment? I always looked to the future. It was nice that the guys I dated in between my long relationships were kind enough to break it off when they realized what I was really after though.

n0tr3allyh3r3 , Brandon O'Connor Report

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Alana Voeks
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

At this point, I'll be happy to find someone patient who just doesn't mind my company.

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#28

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else Not me but the girl I'm currently dating said that her first long-term boyfriend would stare at himself in the bathroom for an hour or so before going to bed each night.

chiefk240 , Wonderlane Report

#29

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else That some girls, in a relationship, don't like to kiss as often as others. I'm just talking about pecks when I/gf gets home etc. I always enjoyed a hello kiss but I guess some girls don't?

herpes_free_since_73 , Sheila Sund Report

#30

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else It was very minor all things considered. I got used to never being complimented, just criticized. I take that back, he did compliment me, once. He told me that in Saudi (his parents worked for an oil company and had moved there) I'd be worth many camels because I was "buxsom, had child bearing hips, and reddish hair". Yeah, he actually said buxsom. I've been married 22 years, and he was several years before that, and I still don't do well with compliments.

ArtEclectic , joiseyshowaa Report

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foofoofloofy
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Tbh, if you're only going to give your partner one compliment in your entire relationship, telling them that they're worth many camels is the way to go.

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#31

31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else I never necessarily thought it was "normal" since I reject that loose characterization, but my girlfriend used to beg me to sniff my farts. It wasn't in a kinky way or anything, that would be disturbing. But from time to time, she'd ask me if I needed to let one rip, and I'd be like "no...(is this girl okay)?" and she'd kind of just not give me a response and pretend like nothing happened. Then 15 minutes later, she'd ask again, and I'd be like "actually yeah, kind of, why?" And then she'd ask me to take off my pants and spread my legs, after which she'd nestle the tip of her nose in that dark crevasse, clear her throat, slap my a*s and say "okay, go" with an elegance fit for ballerinas, not for fart-sniffers.

ElephantCarcass , Scott Wilcoxson Report