“I Said That He Could Starve”: Sexist Father-In-Law Left Family Gathering After Woman Refused To Serve Him Dinner
You know what’s the most annoying thing about entitled people? No, not even their behavior, although it in itself causes anger in those who deal with them. The most annoying thing is their absolute, perfect confidence in their own rightness. Their incredible ability to manipulate your mind can make you feel like an abuser if you do not succumb to their demands – even the most outrageous ones.
Just imagine – you are simply trying to defend your own personal boundaries, which this person is trying to violate (sometimes in a very rude way), and they turn the situation literally inside out, making you suffer later. After all, you, it turns out, offended a person. And if it’s one of your relatives, then it can last a very long time.
A similar situation happened to the author of this post in the AITA Reddit community, which in just a few days collected about 14.2K upvotes and more than 650 different comments. This time, the father-in-law of the Original Poster is the extremely entitled person here.
More info: Reddit
The Original Poster and her husband called their relatives for a family dinner to announce her pregnancy
Image source: megan lynette (not the actual photo)
So the OP and her husband recently hosted a family dinner to announce her pregnancy. All the closest relatives of the couple were invited to the gathering, including her husband’s father. The problem was that, according to the OP, her husband wasn’t on the best of terms with his dad. True, his younger siblings are wonderful people, so the couple literally have to keep him around.
Image source: Upbeat_Fix_4061
The OP’s father-in-law seems to be a rather obnoxious person
As the OP herself admits, her father-in-law is one of those people who still think women should serve men at dining times – like, he has to be served first because he’s the breadwinner or something like that. The OP has trained herself to usually ignore his behavior, but this time things got out of hand.
Image source: Upbeat_Fix_4061
The fact is that the OP’s father was also present at the dinner, with whom, on the contrary, she has always had an excellent relationship. Dad raised them with an older sister from early childhood, when their mother passed away, and always supported his daughters. The man had a damaged nerve in his right arm, so it was difficult for him to use it.
To help him, the OP’s sister bought him a special Parkinson-friendly dinner set; however, for instance, holding a big spoon for serving is still too difficult for him, so he often needs other people’s help.
Image source: Upbeat_Fix_4061
The FIL first demanded to sit at the head of the table and got his demand rejected
The OP and her husband cooked all the relatives their favorite meals and hoped everything would go well. However, everything did not work out from the very beginning… First, when everyone was seated at the table, the OP’s FIL expressed his intention to sit at the head of the table. To this, the OP objected that she and her husband are hosts, so they will sit there. The entitled relative was put in about the middle, which he immediately did not like.
Image source: Upbeat_Fix_4061
Then the OP decided to help her father to serve his plate, because she saw how difficult it was for him to handle a heavy spoon. When she finished, her FIL demanded that “the hostess serve his plate as well” since she had helped her father. The OP answered that her father has an injured hand, and her FIL was just fine, so he could do it himself.
Image source: Upbeat_Fix_4061
Then the man told the OP to serve his plate as she previously helped her dad, who has an injured hand
The MIL took her husband’s plate and tried to serve it, but he stopped her and stated that if the OP did not serve him too, then he refused to eat at all. The OP broke down and said that if he wants to starve, that’s his own business, and to be honest, she doesn’t care. With these words, the father-in-law and his wife left the table and went home.
The most annoying thing, says the OP, is that her husband and other relatives fully supported her – but her own dad said that she her behavior was ugly and advised her to apologize to her father-in-law. This, perhaps, upset the woman literally the most.
Image source: Upbeat_Fix_4061
The OP’s father-in-law seems to be an unconscious manipulator and definitely needs to visit a psychoanalyst
To determine why this is happening, we turned to Irina Matveeva, a psychologist and certified NLP specialist. “There are two types of manipulation – unconscious and conscious,” says Irina. “With unconscious manipulation, a person chooses this type of contact simply because they do not know how to satisfy their needs otherwise. This happens unplanned, instinctively, literally as a habit.”
“But when a person realizes that they are acting ugly and cruelly, but still does it to achieve their goal, this is conscious manipulation, and this is much worse. It seems to me that in the story described, the father-in-law manipulated the opinions of others unconsciously. For example, using a threat of refusing food if the OP does not do what he wants is a classic unconscious manipulation,” says Irina Matveeva.
Image source: Kara (not the actual photo)
“By the way, you can easily see that a man is used to communicating in this way with literally everyone around him. For example, his wife is trying to restrain his behavior by serving his plate instead of his DIL. Yes, she tried to soften the effect, instead of fighting it – but this really doesn’t work,” states Irina. “Given that the man, judging by the fact that he already has at least one adult son, is already aged, it is advisable to turn to a psychoanalyst here. However, judging by his behavior, he is unlikely to even agree to this.”
People in the comments told the OP that she did everything correctly and her FIL had no right to act this way at all
We must say that the commenters also massively supported the OP. In their opinion, the OP’s father-in-law should know that not everyone supports his sexist views, and that in someone else’s home, he has absolutely no right to behave this way. If his wife is willing to obey him, that’s her choice, but the OP remains the mistress of her own house, setting her own rules.
Some people in the comments believe that the OP’s father simply assumed that she would smile and serve, not wanting to escalate the conflict. However, her FIL was rude and disrespectful in her own house anyway, also making the OP’s father feel uncomfortable about his own health issues. That could be the reason for his reaction. In any case, the commenters are almost certain that the woman’s dad will soon sort things out and also take her side.
We’re pretty sure you have something to say about this tale, so feel free to write what you think in the comments. In the meantime, consider your comment. You can read, for example, our selection of opinions on which people should be considered entitled. Just believe us, this is also very interesting.
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Share on FacebookWould have been additionally nice to tell the FIL that he was being "too emotional."
NTA. FIL disrespected you and hubby in your own home by demanding he sit at the head of YOUR table, then expected his rules would apply in YOUR house. FIL embarrassed himself by being disrespectful and entitled.
If he does ever visit again, buy some jars of baby food and and feed him with airplane noises.
NTA, but I understand why her dad might have felt l like she should've also served her FIL. It's possible that their dad felt like a cripple while the FIL acted like a patriarch. Serving them both might have made her dad feel like an equal. But she did the right thing. Her dad was served because his daughters love him and want to help him, not because he demanded it. He sounds like a good dad, FIL just sounds like a a*hole.
FIL acted like a bratty child, you treated him like a bratty child, he stormed out and pouted like a bratty child. Sounds like you will do just fine parenting
Need to be able to add multiple upvotes...this exactly
Load More Replies...FIL sounds like a spoiled toddler. He wasn't treated like a god-king? Well, boohoo for him. I feel kind of bad for his wife. Was she conditioned to comply with such behavior? Probably. Kudos to OP and her husband for setting strong boundaries and not allowing that nonsense. As for OP's dad, it's no knock to your pride to have assistance, my guy. You're injured. The douche canoe isn't.
You do not go into someone else's home and tell them how you expect to be treated. Unless the father in law was injured or sickly he can serve himself. He father is just trying to keep the peace, but it's hard to keep the peace with someone that disrespects in your own home. I would make sure that I kept my child away from this horrid man.
First big family event with my FIL family, I happily joined my husband's aunts with the cooking, getting to learn family recipes and connecting. In my own family, it is common for the women to put together a big meal (men do their share of daily life cooking though) and after the men clear up and do the washing. So I was a bit surprised when as soon as the dinner ended I was ordered to the kitchen. My SIL is generally entitled, she had done nothing to help prepare but then neither had any of the men but no one told her to get in to the kitchen. My FIL made a few comments he thought funny like welcome to a real culture where women know their place (my husband had left to help an uncle home, FIL rarely speaks like this in front of his son). An aunty forcibly orders me to kitchen, FIL and SIL snigger. So I go. Once there it is clear we are not going to clean, we are going to drink and have a good time, an aunty tells me my FIL is a d**k and SIL is worse - but I can always come to them.
Mmmm, I was under the impression only small children and the impaired needed someone to fix them a plate. Since your FIL is neither, then he is just an overindulged boor.
Maybe she could have left it at "have it your way" or just shrugged when he said that then he would not eat. While telling him that "he could starve" may have been satisfying, it was not constructive - stand your ground, but don't escalate. But she is NTA. FIL is, and OP's father is out-of-line for calling her out.
I like the "stand your ground but don't escalate". I've had to coach my wife through this when she is dealing with her sister (who at least has an excuse - head injury leading to multi-day coma, and later a couple of concussions).
Load More Replies...FiL doesn't have hands or what? Not to mention going to someone's house and demand owner to follow his views is incredibly rude. It's his problem he choose to sulk instead of eating like some toddler. NTA
FIL dounds like a spoiled toddler. Kudos to OP and her hubby for setting strong boundaries.
"I get served first cause I'm the bread winner" Well, you aren't the breadwinner here so you can just serve yourself AFTER everyone else is finished for that remark.
I was raised in both types of households. At my grandparents women served the men first and then the children and the women ate. I was raised as an adult from a very young age so I wasn't included as one of the children and I was raised to cook and serve. At our house, when we guests , depending on how formal the dinner and the guests, we served the guests and then we ate but if it was informal it was self serve and my mom expected us to do clean up no matter where we were. When it was just us I cooked and my sister and I split the clean up and sometimes I served my dad, depending on his mood, just to keep him calm and not abusive. But I chose to break those cycles and I didn't expose my daughter to that and if I were the OP I would keep any kids away from the FIL as much as possible as he's abusive.
Kerry Browman I don't know what county you live in but have looked into medicinal marijuana as treatment for Parkinson's disease? It's apparently working quite well for many and I have a friend who has found great success with it and you may want to look into it. Fewer side effects and it's natural and many places in the states are legalizing medical marijuana as well as recreational. All you really need is a letter from your doctor and there's a fee for the card and you can buy from any licensed marijuana dispensary.
NTA, you handled it better than I would have. I would probably have told him that his behavior would not be tolerated in my house. Also, kudos for your husband for being supportive and having your back.
There may be a larger problem here. My father was exactly like this. Usually, if the man is this disrespectful in public, think about how bad it could be in private. My father was sexist and also physically abusive in private. Someone might want to dive a little deeper into the MIL's home life and history. If it is happening, she'll definitely deny it at first out of sheer fear. Hopefully I'm wrong. No, the OP is NTAH. However the FIL will not change. No matter what's said or done. You're dealing with a narcissist here. Don't you know? Nothing is ever their fault.
The only issue I have is that she told FIL he could starve; she lowered herself to his level. I think either her hubby should have stepped in and do for his emotionally handicapped father what the poster did for her dad. Or, when FIL demanded he be served, she could have sweetly said, "in this house, we don't respond to rude. We ask politely and say please. When you can rephrase your request and tone, your son, as co-host, will be glad to fix your plate." Then smile and sit down.
Absolutely NNNNNNN x infinity TA!!! What kind of age are we living in where we have this kind of able-bodied male chauvinist boor still expecting a woman (and a pregnant one, no less) to serve him just because she helped her ill father???!!! The son ought to shove his miserable neanderthal father back into the cave from whence he came smh...
Both acted poorly. OP didn't need to serve him, no question. But her father was correct, that last comment telling him to starve she didn't care is rude. Good manners went out the window, and it embarrassed her dad who thought he had raised her better. Take that rude statement out and OP would be fine.
NTA. Congratulations about your baby. Explain to your father that the FIL abusive behavior won't be tolerated in your home. Add that you feel bad for what the MIL has tolerated all these years. She has no self esteem left. FIL loves the cruelty he dishes out. You did right by standing up for yourself, family, and your home. Kudos to the rest of the family for backing you. They are exhausted from growing up with his attitude. I'm sure they don't like how their mother is treated. If you want to be a stinker next time they are invited over remind him no one will be serving him so he may want to eat before they come over so he won't be hungry. Or, tell them that dinner will be at 6:00, everyone will be serving themselves. If he doesn't want to come for dinner they are welcome to come over at 7:30 for after dinner visiting. He is an abusive bully so hope he wants to stay away.
We only ever get a one sided version of these stories told by the protagonist wanting to be told they are right. Did she leave anything out? Me, when I host a dinner, I will and do serve a plate to everyone who doesn't insist on doing it themselves. I suspect there was already a predisposition on the part of OP and she was waiting for an opportunity to provoke this sort of incident. My 2 cents.. That being said, as a guest, I would never insist on being served...tacky..
NTA but…Her FIL was rude. (5/1-10 scale…you may think that is low but I can imagine much worse.) “I shrugged and said he could starve and I didn’t care.” That also is rude.(1-2/10…depending on how she said it.) Her father clearly raised her to be very polite! (On a politeness scale she gets a 9/10!) There are times in my life when I (for my own sake!) needed to apologize for being slightly rude when someone was very rude to me. (“You’re G..D…right you needed to apologize!” Was the response.) Courtesy in the face of rudeness makes the other person’s rudeness stand out. I would far rather my daughters grow up like OP than be a collaborator like MIL!
I get things for my father--not always--but he tries to return the favor. He's 61, and I'm 31. It's a mutual thing. Not expected.
Is the OP's father around the same age as the FIL? If he is, then he probably knew all about the old chauvinistic values of men from that era. That's why he thought OP was being "disrespectful" when she is really just "setting boundaries." Funny thing is the FIL should have recognized this as a rule that he is supposed to enforce during his own time: "you come under my house, you live by my rules." Now he won't follow it when it's someone else's house? What hypocrite!
Had a FIL like that. Had to be served first with the best even if the wife and kiddies had to do with less or substandard food. Sulked if company took from a serving plate what he felt should have been his. Thank God my husband was only his stepson from 16 until he left home. FIL was a true caveman in every way
Referring to your father-in-law, how magnanimous of you and your husband to "keep him around". Your father is right. For telling a guest at your table that they can starve and you don't care, yes yta and a few other choice words that I wont type . People whose tolerance and respect is reserved only for others who share their opinions and worldview are far more entitled than the folks they accuse of being entitled.
I wish you'd stop posting all this depressing stuff. I come here far less now because of all these things.
No. You are not going to ever change your FIL but for your father's sake that he raised you to show respect and after your description of how much attention you gave your father, you should have not lowered yourself to be petty just because you don't like your FIL. Is that the side of yourself that you want to show your husband and future children?
The "generational difference" here is sexist and demeaning to women. Live like a doormat if you want, but don't ask other women to grovel to an old jackass who refuses to evolve.
Load More Replies...Spammer, and fake ‘medicine’ one at that. On behalf of all people with disabilities kindly take your ‘herbs’ and shove them.
Load More Replies...Would have been additionally nice to tell the FIL that he was being "too emotional."
NTA. FIL disrespected you and hubby in your own home by demanding he sit at the head of YOUR table, then expected his rules would apply in YOUR house. FIL embarrassed himself by being disrespectful and entitled.
If he does ever visit again, buy some jars of baby food and and feed him with airplane noises.
NTA, but I understand why her dad might have felt l like she should've also served her FIL. It's possible that their dad felt like a cripple while the FIL acted like a patriarch. Serving them both might have made her dad feel like an equal. But she did the right thing. Her dad was served because his daughters love him and want to help him, not because he demanded it. He sounds like a good dad, FIL just sounds like a a*hole.
FIL acted like a bratty child, you treated him like a bratty child, he stormed out and pouted like a bratty child. Sounds like you will do just fine parenting
Need to be able to add multiple upvotes...this exactly
Load More Replies...FIL sounds like a spoiled toddler. He wasn't treated like a god-king? Well, boohoo for him. I feel kind of bad for his wife. Was she conditioned to comply with such behavior? Probably. Kudos to OP and her husband for setting strong boundaries and not allowing that nonsense. As for OP's dad, it's no knock to your pride to have assistance, my guy. You're injured. The douche canoe isn't.
You do not go into someone else's home and tell them how you expect to be treated. Unless the father in law was injured or sickly he can serve himself. He father is just trying to keep the peace, but it's hard to keep the peace with someone that disrespects in your own home. I would make sure that I kept my child away from this horrid man.
First big family event with my FIL family, I happily joined my husband's aunts with the cooking, getting to learn family recipes and connecting. In my own family, it is common for the women to put together a big meal (men do their share of daily life cooking though) and after the men clear up and do the washing. So I was a bit surprised when as soon as the dinner ended I was ordered to the kitchen. My SIL is generally entitled, she had done nothing to help prepare but then neither had any of the men but no one told her to get in to the kitchen. My FIL made a few comments he thought funny like welcome to a real culture where women know their place (my husband had left to help an uncle home, FIL rarely speaks like this in front of his son). An aunty forcibly orders me to kitchen, FIL and SIL snigger. So I go. Once there it is clear we are not going to clean, we are going to drink and have a good time, an aunty tells me my FIL is a d**k and SIL is worse - but I can always come to them.
Mmmm, I was under the impression only small children and the impaired needed someone to fix them a plate. Since your FIL is neither, then he is just an overindulged boor.
Maybe she could have left it at "have it your way" or just shrugged when he said that then he would not eat. While telling him that "he could starve" may have been satisfying, it was not constructive - stand your ground, but don't escalate. But she is NTA. FIL is, and OP's father is out-of-line for calling her out.
I like the "stand your ground but don't escalate". I've had to coach my wife through this when she is dealing with her sister (who at least has an excuse - head injury leading to multi-day coma, and later a couple of concussions).
Load More Replies...FiL doesn't have hands or what? Not to mention going to someone's house and demand owner to follow his views is incredibly rude. It's his problem he choose to sulk instead of eating like some toddler. NTA
FIL dounds like a spoiled toddler. Kudos to OP and her hubby for setting strong boundaries.
"I get served first cause I'm the bread winner" Well, you aren't the breadwinner here so you can just serve yourself AFTER everyone else is finished for that remark.
I was raised in both types of households. At my grandparents women served the men first and then the children and the women ate. I was raised as an adult from a very young age so I wasn't included as one of the children and I was raised to cook and serve. At our house, when we guests , depending on how formal the dinner and the guests, we served the guests and then we ate but if it was informal it was self serve and my mom expected us to do clean up no matter where we were. When it was just us I cooked and my sister and I split the clean up and sometimes I served my dad, depending on his mood, just to keep him calm and not abusive. But I chose to break those cycles and I didn't expose my daughter to that and if I were the OP I would keep any kids away from the FIL as much as possible as he's abusive.
Kerry Browman I don't know what county you live in but have looked into medicinal marijuana as treatment for Parkinson's disease? It's apparently working quite well for many and I have a friend who has found great success with it and you may want to look into it. Fewer side effects and it's natural and many places in the states are legalizing medical marijuana as well as recreational. All you really need is a letter from your doctor and there's a fee for the card and you can buy from any licensed marijuana dispensary.
NTA, you handled it better than I would have. I would probably have told him that his behavior would not be tolerated in my house. Also, kudos for your husband for being supportive and having your back.
There may be a larger problem here. My father was exactly like this. Usually, if the man is this disrespectful in public, think about how bad it could be in private. My father was sexist and also physically abusive in private. Someone might want to dive a little deeper into the MIL's home life and history. If it is happening, she'll definitely deny it at first out of sheer fear. Hopefully I'm wrong. No, the OP is NTAH. However the FIL will not change. No matter what's said or done. You're dealing with a narcissist here. Don't you know? Nothing is ever their fault.
The only issue I have is that she told FIL he could starve; she lowered herself to his level. I think either her hubby should have stepped in and do for his emotionally handicapped father what the poster did for her dad. Or, when FIL demanded he be served, she could have sweetly said, "in this house, we don't respond to rude. We ask politely and say please. When you can rephrase your request and tone, your son, as co-host, will be glad to fix your plate." Then smile and sit down.
Absolutely NNNNNNN x infinity TA!!! What kind of age are we living in where we have this kind of able-bodied male chauvinist boor still expecting a woman (and a pregnant one, no less) to serve him just because she helped her ill father???!!! The son ought to shove his miserable neanderthal father back into the cave from whence he came smh...
Both acted poorly. OP didn't need to serve him, no question. But her father was correct, that last comment telling him to starve she didn't care is rude. Good manners went out the window, and it embarrassed her dad who thought he had raised her better. Take that rude statement out and OP would be fine.
NTA. Congratulations about your baby. Explain to your father that the FIL abusive behavior won't be tolerated in your home. Add that you feel bad for what the MIL has tolerated all these years. She has no self esteem left. FIL loves the cruelty he dishes out. You did right by standing up for yourself, family, and your home. Kudos to the rest of the family for backing you. They are exhausted from growing up with his attitude. I'm sure they don't like how their mother is treated. If you want to be a stinker next time they are invited over remind him no one will be serving him so he may want to eat before they come over so he won't be hungry. Or, tell them that dinner will be at 6:00, everyone will be serving themselves. If he doesn't want to come for dinner they are welcome to come over at 7:30 for after dinner visiting. He is an abusive bully so hope he wants to stay away.
We only ever get a one sided version of these stories told by the protagonist wanting to be told they are right. Did she leave anything out? Me, when I host a dinner, I will and do serve a plate to everyone who doesn't insist on doing it themselves. I suspect there was already a predisposition on the part of OP and she was waiting for an opportunity to provoke this sort of incident. My 2 cents.. That being said, as a guest, I would never insist on being served...tacky..
NTA but…Her FIL was rude. (5/1-10 scale…you may think that is low but I can imagine much worse.) “I shrugged and said he could starve and I didn’t care.” That also is rude.(1-2/10…depending on how she said it.) Her father clearly raised her to be very polite! (On a politeness scale she gets a 9/10!) There are times in my life when I (for my own sake!) needed to apologize for being slightly rude when someone was very rude to me. (“You’re G..D…right you needed to apologize!” Was the response.) Courtesy in the face of rudeness makes the other person’s rudeness stand out. I would far rather my daughters grow up like OP than be a collaborator like MIL!
I get things for my father--not always--but he tries to return the favor. He's 61, and I'm 31. It's a mutual thing. Not expected.
Is the OP's father around the same age as the FIL? If he is, then he probably knew all about the old chauvinistic values of men from that era. That's why he thought OP was being "disrespectful" when she is really just "setting boundaries." Funny thing is the FIL should have recognized this as a rule that he is supposed to enforce during his own time: "you come under my house, you live by my rules." Now he won't follow it when it's someone else's house? What hypocrite!
Had a FIL like that. Had to be served first with the best even if the wife and kiddies had to do with less or substandard food. Sulked if company took from a serving plate what he felt should have been his. Thank God my husband was only his stepson from 16 until he left home. FIL was a true caveman in every way
Referring to your father-in-law, how magnanimous of you and your husband to "keep him around". Your father is right. For telling a guest at your table that they can starve and you don't care, yes yta and a few other choice words that I wont type . People whose tolerance and respect is reserved only for others who share their opinions and worldview are far more entitled than the folks they accuse of being entitled.
I wish you'd stop posting all this depressing stuff. I come here far less now because of all these things.
No. You are not going to ever change your FIL but for your father's sake that he raised you to show respect and after your description of how much attention you gave your father, you should have not lowered yourself to be petty just because you don't like your FIL. Is that the side of yourself that you want to show your husband and future children?
The "generational difference" here is sexist and demeaning to women. Live like a doormat if you want, but don't ask other women to grovel to an old jackass who refuses to evolve.
Load More Replies...Spammer, and fake ‘medicine’ one at that. On behalf of all people with disabilities kindly take your ‘herbs’ and shove them.
Load More Replies...
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