“Am I The [Jerk] For Making My Daughter Sleep In The Backyard After What She Did To Our Housemaid?”
There’s a Lithuanian proverb that roughly translates to “Liars have short legs.” Meaning, eventually they get caught. This teenager is learning it the hard way.
When the 16-year-old got in trouble with her parents for disrespecting the family’s maid, she developed a cunning scheme on how to get the lady fired. The girl secretly placed her iPhone in the maid’s bag and put up a show to convince her parents that it was actually a theft. (A- for creativity but an F in common decency.)
However, the teen’s plan had a major flaw. One that ultimately brought her to justice: she forgot about the secret camera in the house. When the cat was out of the bag, her dad, Redditor u/HallNum032 disciplined her one more time, only this punishment was more severe. He really wanted the girl to get the message.
But after a while, the man started doubting himself and turned to the internet to ask if he overreacted. Here’s what he wrote.
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Image credits: Pankaj Shah (not the actual photo)
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Image credits: HallNum032
Who their kids are friends with is something many moms and dads are concerned about. Writer, director, broadcaster, and founder of the parenting blog Honest Mum, Vicki Broadbent, thinks that parents can intervene when their children are mixing with others they might deem unsuitable or dangerous, but they have to be smart about it. “The key is to build trust in your kids first and try to see the world and their relationships from their perspective so you can have a meaningful conversation,” Broadbent told Bored Panda. “Berating and becoming upset with them will lead to a stand-off and them switching off.”
Instead, the mom suggests sitting down and having an honest conversation with your kid.
“Read between the lines,” Broadbent added. “Remember that things might not be how they seem. Your child might feel pressured into this friendship at school or feel they can’t make other friends … so now is the time to problem-solve with them and consider potentially speaking to their teachers too.”
She pointed out that teachers can separate friendships or split up the class to help children build new connections, as well as speaking directly to the child in question who might be struggling to offer their support and ideas. “Listening, really listening to your child’s perspective and respecting their feelings are paramount during this talk and subsequent ones.” Vicki reminded us that it’s important to also question whether you’re being too judgemental.
Equally, she said, ask yourself if your own child is the one leading or contributing to bad behavior and if so, how can you help them.
Talya Stone, a former editor-in-chief turned parenting blogger and the woman behind Motherhood: The Real Deal and 40 Now What, agrees that it’s a very tricky spot. “You can’t choose your teenager’s friends [and] you have to be careful not to seem like you are working against your teenager by criticizing their friends [either],” Stone explained to us.
You could, for example, highlight that you don’t like their behavior. But you have to be strategic about this approach too. “Setting clear boundaries on where they can go, when they can go, and what they can do and monitoring those boundaries to ensure they are being adhered to … [could be one rational way] of dealing with any unwanted behaviors and offering up consequences when need be.”
Also, it might be a good idea to talk to them about unwanted behaviors at a calm time. “Maybe you’re reading a story in the weekend papers about anti-social behavior you can form a discussion around. Or maybe it’s a low-key chat while you’re giving them a lift somewhere. Be sure to be non-confrontational. It’s a sure-fire way to end up in conflict.”
Whether or not you should also be your kid’s friend is a whole other discussion. And equally as challenging. The answer, for the most part, depends on your own parenting philosophy.
Vicki Broadbent, the author of Mumboss (UK) and The Working Mom (the US and Canada), for instance, said, “It’s critical in my opinion to be your child’s friend as well as their parent. Friendship is based on shared values, boundaries, respect, and love, the same as parenting. When you have built a foundation of trust and love with your children, they will be more open and candid with you about their lives and vitally, they will know they can reach out to you with problems big and small, you just have to keep the conversation going. Equally, when you mess up as all humans do, apologizing to your child will enable them to model their behavior on you. To follow your lead. They need to know that problems can be resolved and mistakes are there as lessons so they can keep doing better.”
Of course, all of this doesn’t mean that your family will be able to avoid similar situations. It does, however, mean that navigating them will be much easier.
People think the dad was reasonable
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I'd have her checked out by a psychiatrist, also. She's a germaphobe, she's abusive, and she'd rather starve than do chores. Some mental health issues start or become worse during adolescence. It doesn't let her off the hook (a lot of people with mental health issues try to find strategies to reduce the impact on themselves and others). I've even read of people incapable of empathy being decent to others out of principle.
Bad behavior should not be without consequence, mental illness is not an excuse to treat others poorly.
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She ended up in hospital to avoid punishment last time. She needs major professional counseling and help. This is not ok and it is not going to get better with more forms of punishment.
Absolutely correct. Punishment is a temporary solution. We have to teach our children to be disciplined and in order to do that, they must be thinking properly. This girl needs professional help. It sounds like she has problems with empathy; she could have a serious condition, or just need to talk to someone dedicated to her mental well-being.
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Honestly I’d take it a step farther and make your daughter change schools so she can find herself new friends. She’s a spoiled c word and it’s only going to get worse. Your punishment seems fair, but to hear that she starved herself to get out of chores shows how spoiled she is and how far she will take things to get her way. You’re the parent, she’s the child. You need to find a way to make her remember this or you’re going to end up paying for lawyers and bail money in a few years when she reaches adulthood
Otter, while most teens are not going to receive a hard diagnosis, simply b/c their prefontal cortex is shot to sh*t during puberty.... A psychiatrist can determine what is going on if this child is manifesting true phobias, OCD, etc., and try to help early. RULE OUT mental illness before all else. Also? Wilderness programs would be he** on a child who truly does have a phobia about germs. The girl's attitude could stem from legitimate issues ranging from OCD to schizophrenia. And if she's not mentally ill, some counseling for the family would be in order to get everyone on the same page, IMHO. Just sayin'.
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Oh look, another “I stood up for someone, am I the asshole?” karma grab. OBVIOUSLY you give a severe punishment in that situation; it’s called being a decent parent and employer.
Yes, but it's worth posting, because the responses had much better suggestions for discipline than the one he was going with. It's okay to reach out to whatever community you have. Maybe he's too ashamed to talk to his parent friends about it.
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Get your spoiled brat some counseling. There is more wrong than just bullying the maid. This is the tip of the iceberg. Sounds like your daughter has crossed from spoiled to spoiled brat. Be careful she doesn't graduate from selfish to a sociopath.
Nobody becomes a scumbag overnight. Either your daughter has an undiagnosed issue that she needs help with, or you've been ignoring some other signs that she's not a particularly good person.
Trauma or mental health conditions can cause severe mood/personality shifts. It happens.
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Agreed. I learned in a parenting class that extreme punishments backfire because the kid is so fixated on the punishment that they don’t step back from the situation to acknowledge how they ended up being punished. Instead, they focus their anger on the punisher. So while an extreme punishment satisfies our sense of justice (or let’s be honest, vengeance), it ends up not being effective in changing the child’s behavior. There’s a whole class that addresses more effective interventions, too long for a BP comment.
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Daughter is turning into a terrible human being with no empathy. Put her in a different school, take away her phone, Put her in counseling. Give her a Samsung like the rest of us poors.
dude its easy . give the maid 2 weeks off paid , then get daughter to do maids job , simple way to make her see things from another's perspective
Perfect. Honestly, having her learn to do house chores will be great for her because from the sounds of it, she will never be successful enough to pay for her own maid.
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My BIL sent their kids to work at a homeless shelter for acting entitled. Gave the kids a chance to see how life is for people less fortunate, and started them on the path towards a "Volunteer spirit" within the community. Might be something to consider whenever entitled behavior pops up. Just a thought.
This girl needs a psych eval and a reality check. And it's a good thing I'm not a parent because there would be no more picking of the own friends. And no more parties or going out till college. Also no more communicating with the housekeeper. That woman gets to pretend you are so much hot air. You need something? Ask me. The answer will most likely be no. Oh and that allowance you had? Yeah, guess what. Be glad I'm not taking your also taking your laptop. Don't cheer. I'm holding the wifi password hostage. Good luck with your homework which will now be the most fun you're having till you move out. ZERO excuse for this behavior at 16 years old.
You need a psych eval, bad. You're just using the situation to be a sadist and indulge in your gross little fantasies.
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Only thing he's the AH for is confronting the housekeeper before checking the objective evidence available to him. Nevertheless, I expect there is something more afoot than the daughter simply hanging around with some mean girls.
I'd have made her be the housemaid for a while. Being a privileged child doesn't give you the right to belittle others.
She’s 16. Time for little miss to get a job—-a real job, and a dirty one, like flipping burgers, using tables, or cleaning bathrooms —-after school. That will teach her what it’s like to have to behave in order to keep her job, plus it will keep her away from the new bad influences she’s been hanging out with. If she messes up and gives her manager enough attitude to get fired, she has to find another job immediately, no ifs or buts about it. Remember, she’s been verbally abusing the maid, and she tried to set her up to get fired for stealing the phone! Good thing you have an inside camera, as it kept little miss from lying and denying she tried to set the maid up. Keep it rolling! Now, most teenagers act up, in varying degrees. It’s kind of like a right of passage, I guess. But this kid is at one of the extremes of the phenomenon. There’s a lot of work ahead to make this horrid, nasty, entitled behavior of hers stop. Good Luck!
Report her and her "friends" to the school for bullying, and let them add to her punishment. Bad things happen in schools these days, when bullies go unchecked.
I think it would be best if the girl was sent to some old fashioned UK boarding school where they have centuries of experience educating children with attitude problems.
Don't people think about how their education will influence their children? How do you teach kids to be that much disrespecful...
Peer groups have an influence, too, especially with teenagers.
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With that behavior, someone does not need an iPhone or any other luxuries of her own anymore. Also having hired help is a privilege that she is no longer privy to. This means own laundry, cleaning room, and no car. Time to really set limits. She chooses to put herself in the hospital again, she goes and you tell the docs she's choosing to do this. Inpt mental health tx is not fun and any good therapist (me) will give her a real come to Jesus talk, and you both, her parents who covertly began this behavior, too.
So, why does she hate the housekeeper? She makes everything clean, doesn't she? Cleans up her messes? I think there is more here than meets the eye. What's REALLY going on?
Germaphobe and using the phone? Phone is the dirtiest thing, any germaphone worth their salt would know this.
The sleeping outside is a bit odd. I would inform her that the poor maid no longer works for her. She wants her room cleaned, clothes washed, food cooked she can do it herself. I do agree that she needs some professional help though. That level of manipulative behaviour is not something that should be allowed to continue.
You’re my hero! If there were more people parenting the way you do, there would be a lot less entitled, unempathetic, disrespectful and narcissistic people out in the world. Congrats!
This all started with some new girls at school right? Well, if doing chores won't help, send her to another school. That'll do the trick.
She needs to formally appologize to the maid, and I would take her phone away for grossly misusing it for a month. If she was my kid this would happen and i would have the maid take a week off paid while daughter does her duties. Also, I think you need to have her undergo a psychiatric evaluation, her behavior is not normal and getting worse.
She absolutely does need to talk to a therapist as well as the proper disciplinary actions to her horrific, selfish behavior. *Personally* I wouldn't do the "force to sleep out doors" punishment because what she did was quite serious and should be taken just as seriously
Fair enough to me. Traditional punishment wont work then extreme measures are needed. After the punishment take her to therapy. Not eating just to not clean...being rude yea might wanna get her help
NTA, but there must be better ways to deal with this. His daughter is off the rails. If it'S really bad influence, take her out of that school. But this germaphoeb thing sounds like it's getting out of hand. Same with the not eating. Eventually, she'll live by herslef and will have to clean everything. They all should go to a family therapist together.
Family therapy before this gets completely out of hand. I appreciate your desire to teach your daughter that her actions have consequences, but a quick punishment of any sort won,t solve a thing. A) do you know that planting fake evidence is a crime and not some little misdemeandor? B) Whom will she turn to if she feels misunderstood? Her goofy new ''friends'', of course. C) Is it wise of the person who knows her so well as to be able to identify her greatest fear to exploit this fear in an attempt to correct her? Have you thought of nature walks etc. to help her overcome her phobia instead of exploiting it punitively? Ideally, the maid should be included in the therapy session. Pay her; you can afford it.
This is horrible, everyone that will respond to my post feels the same way. How did it get this far? Why are your kids so entitled? When she was a bully did you make her rectify it? Do you speak to the supposed bad girls that influenced her? And their Fathers?
I have a daughter her age. I believe severe punishment/discipline is in order but sleeping outside seems like an odd punishment. Definitely take away privileges that will get her attention. No phone, block social media on her computer, no allowance, grounded. Then teach her what it's like to not have such a cushy job: volunteer work, make her get a job, etc.
Use of any 'fun stuff' like xbox, playstation, going to fun places to eat out is now recinded. No more maid services for daughter, she now has to clean/cook/launder everything herself. I would also offer to the cleaning lady to have my daughter come to the cleaning lady's house under supervision and de-weed, clean gutters, mow, do dishes and anything else the cleaning lady needs. No more pocket money/allowance, that now gets given every week to the cleaning lady for the abuse she had to endure, for a whole year. Written apology from daughter to cleaning lady clearly outlining everything daughter did wrong and why she cannot treat another person that way.
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I'd have her checked out by a psychiatrist, also. She's a germaphobe, she's abusive, and she'd rather starve than do chores. Some mental health issues start or become worse during adolescence. It doesn't let her off the hook (a lot of people with mental health issues try to find strategies to reduce the impact on themselves and others). I've even read of people incapable of empathy being decent to others out of principle.
Bad behavior should not be without consequence, mental illness is not an excuse to treat others poorly.
Load More Replies... She ended up in hospital to avoid punishment last time. She needs major professional counseling and help. This is not ok and it is not going to get better with more forms of punishment.
Absolutely correct. Punishment is a temporary solution. We have to teach our children to be disciplined and in order to do that, they must be thinking properly. This girl needs professional help. It sounds like she has problems with empathy; she could have a serious condition, or just need to talk to someone dedicated to her mental well-being.
Load More Replies... Honestly I’d take it a step farther and make your daughter change schools so she can find herself new friends. She’s a spoiled c word and it’s only going to get worse. Your punishment seems fair, but to hear that she starved herself to get out of chores shows how spoiled she is and how far she will take things to get her way. You’re the parent, she’s the child. You need to find a way to make her remember this or you’re going to end up paying for lawyers and bail money in a few years when she reaches adulthood
Otter, while most teens are not going to receive a hard diagnosis, simply b/c their prefontal cortex is shot to sh*t during puberty.... A psychiatrist can determine what is going on if this child is manifesting true phobias, OCD, etc., and try to help early. RULE OUT mental illness before all else. Also? Wilderness programs would be he** on a child who truly does have a phobia about germs. The girl's attitude could stem from legitimate issues ranging from OCD to schizophrenia. And if she's not mentally ill, some counseling for the family would be in order to get everyone on the same page, IMHO. Just sayin'.
Load More Replies... Oh look, another “I stood up for someone, am I the asshole?” karma grab. OBVIOUSLY you give a severe punishment in that situation; it’s called being a decent parent and employer.
Yes, but it's worth posting, because the responses had much better suggestions for discipline than the one he was going with. It's okay to reach out to whatever community you have. Maybe he's too ashamed to talk to his parent friends about it.
Load More Replies... Get your spoiled brat some counseling. There is more wrong than just bullying the maid. This is the tip of the iceberg. Sounds like your daughter has crossed from spoiled to spoiled brat. Be careful she doesn't graduate from selfish to a sociopath.
Nobody becomes a scumbag overnight. Either your daughter has an undiagnosed issue that she needs help with, or you've been ignoring some other signs that she's not a particularly good person.
Trauma or mental health conditions can cause severe mood/personality shifts. It happens.
Load More Replies... Agreed. I learned in a parenting class that extreme punishments backfire because the kid is so fixated on the punishment that they don’t step back from the situation to acknowledge how they ended up being punished. Instead, they focus their anger on the punisher. So while an extreme punishment satisfies our sense of justice (or let’s be honest, vengeance), it ends up not being effective in changing the child’s behavior. There’s a whole class that addresses more effective interventions, too long for a BP comment.
Load More Replies... Daughter is turning into a terrible human being with no empathy. Put her in a different school, take away her phone, Put her in counseling. Give her a Samsung like the rest of us poors.
dude its easy . give the maid 2 weeks off paid , then get daughter to do maids job , simple way to make her see things from another's perspective
Perfect. Honestly, having her learn to do house chores will be great for her because from the sounds of it, she will never be successful enough to pay for her own maid.
Load More Replies... My BIL sent their kids to work at a homeless shelter for acting entitled. Gave the kids a chance to see how life is for people less fortunate, and started them on the path towards a "Volunteer spirit" within the community. Might be something to consider whenever entitled behavior pops up. Just a thought.
This girl needs a psych eval and a reality check. And it's a good thing I'm not a parent because there would be no more picking of the own friends. And no more parties or going out till college. Also no more communicating with the housekeeper. That woman gets to pretend you are so much hot air. You need something? Ask me. The answer will most likely be no. Oh and that allowance you had? Yeah, guess what. Be glad I'm not taking your also taking your laptop. Don't cheer. I'm holding the wifi password hostage. Good luck with your homework which will now be the most fun you're having till you move out. ZERO excuse for this behavior at 16 years old.
You need a psych eval, bad. You're just using the situation to be a sadist and indulge in your gross little fantasies.
Load More Replies... Only thing he's the AH for is confronting the housekeeper before checking the objective evidence available to him. Nevertheless, I expect there is something more afoot than the daughter simply hanging around with some mean girls.
I'd have made her be the housemaid for a while. Being a privileged child doesn't give you the right to belittle others.
She’s 16. Time for little miss to get a job—-a real job, and a dirty one, like flipping burgers, using tables, or cleaning bathrooms —-after school. That will teach her what it’s like to have to behave in order to keep her job, plus it will keep her away from the new bad influences she’s been hanging out with. If she messes up and gives her manager enough attitude to get fired, she has to find another job immediately, no ifs or buts about it. Remember, she’s been verbally abusing the maid, and she tried to set her up to get fired for stealing the phone! Good thing you have an inside camera, as it kept little miss from lying and denying she tried to set the maid up. Keep it rolling! Now, most teenagers act up, in varying degrees. It’s kind of like a right of passage, I guess. But this kid is at one of the extremes of the phenomenon. There’s a lot of work ahead to make this horrid, nasty, entitled behavior of hers stop. Good Luck!
Report her and her "friends" to the school for bullying, and let them add to her punishment. Bad things happen in schools these days, when bullies go unchecked.
I think it would be best if the girl was sent to some old fashioned UK boarding school where they have centuries of experience educating children with attitude problems.
Don't people think about how their education will influence their children? How do you teach kids to be that much disrespecful...
Peer groups have an influence, too, especially with teenagers.
Load More Replies... With that behavior, someone does not need an iPhone or any other luxuries of her own anymore. Also having hired help is a privilege that she is no longer privy to. This means own laundry, cleaning room, and no car. Time to really set limits. She chooses to put herself in the hospital again, she goes and you tell the docs she's choosing to do this. Inpt mental health tx is not fun and any good therapist (me) will give her a real come to Jesus talk, and you both, her parents who covertly began this behavior, too.
So, why does she hate the housekeeper? She makes everything clean, doesn't she? Cleans up her messes? I think there is more here than meets the eye. What's REALLY going on?
Germaphobe and using the phone? Phone is the dirtiest thing, any germaphone worth their salt would know this.
The sleeping outside is a bit odd. I would inform her that the poor maid no longer works for her. She wants her room cleaned, clothes washed, food cooked she can do it herself. I do agree that she needs some professional help though. That level of manipulative behaviour is not something that should be allowed to continue.
You’re my hero! If there were more people parenting the way you do, there would be a lot less entitled, unempathetic, disrespectful and narcissistic people out in the world. Congrats!
This all started with some new girls at school right? Well, if doing chores won't help, send her to another school. That'll do the trick.
She needs to formally appologize to the maid, and I would take her phone away for grossly misusing it for a month. If she was my kid this would happen and i would have the maid take a week off paid while daughter does her duties. Also, I think you need to have her undergo a psychiatric evaluation, her behavior is not normal and getting worse.
She absolutely does need to talk to a therapist as well as the proper disciplinary actions to her horrific, selfish behavior. *Personally* I wouldn't do the "force to sleep out doors" punishment because what she did was quite serious and should be taken just as seriously
Fair enough to me. Traditional punishment wont work then extreme measures are needed. After the punishment take her to therapy. Not eating just to not clean...being rude yea might wanna get her help
NTA, but there must be better ways to deal with this. His daughter is off the rails. If it'S really bad influence, take her out of that school. But this germaphoeb thing sounds like it's getting out of hand. Same with the not eating. Eventually, she'll live by herslef and will have to clean everything. They all should go to a family therapist together.
Family therapy before this gets completely out of hand. I appreciate your desire to teach your daughter that her actions have consequences, but a quick punishment of any sort won,t solve a thing. A) do you know that planting fake evidence is a crime and not some little misdemeandor? B) Whom will she turn to if she feels misunderstood? Her goofy new ''friends'', of course. C) Is it wise of the person who knows her so well as to be able to identify her greatest fear to exploit this fear in an attempt to correct her? Have you thought of nature walks etc. to help her overcome her phobia instead of exploiting it punitively? Ideally, the maid should be included in the therapy session. Pay her; you can afford it.
This is horrible, everyone that will respond to my post feels the same way. How did it get this far? Why are your kids so entitled? When she was a bully did you make her rectify it? Do you speak to the supposed bad girls that influenced her? And their Fathers?
I have a daughter her age. I believe severe punishment/discipline is in order but sleeping outside seems like an odd punishment. Definitely take away privileges that will get her attention. No phone, block social media on her computer, no allowance, grounded. Then teach her what it's like to not have such a cushy job: volunteer work, make her get a job, etc.
Use of any 'fun stuff' like xbox, playstation, going to fun places to eat out is now recinded. No more maid services for daughter, she now has to clean/cook/launder everything herself. I would also offer to the cleaning lady to have my daughter come to the cleaning lady's house under supervision and de-weed, clean gutters, mow, do dishes and anything else the cleaning lady needs. No more pocket money/allowance, that now gets given every week to the cleaning lady for the abuse she had to endure, for a whole year. Written apology from daughter to cleaning lady clearly outlining everything daughter did wrong and why she cannot treat another person that way.
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