“One Becomes A Narcissist And One Doesn’t”: Doctor Explains Why No One Ever Has “The Same Parents”
Interview
Do you have siblings? Whether you’re the first born, middle child, baby or somewhere else in between, chances are the role you play in your family has been shaped by where you fell in the birth order. But it’s not as simple as being destined for a life of high-achieving if you’re the first born, being overlooked if you’re in the middle and being coddled if you’re the youngest. According to one doctor, growing up in the same household does not even guarantee that we have the same parents as our siblings.
Dahlia Kurtz recently shared an interview with Dr. Gabor Maté on TikTok where he explained why no two children have the same parents, and his sentiments resonated with many viewers. Below, you’ll find his whole explanation that might also strike a chord with you, some of the replies fascinated viewers have left, and an interview we were lucky enough to receive from Dahlia Kurtz.
We would love to hear your thoughts on Dr. Maté’s insight in the comments if you grew up with brothers and sisters, and then if you’re looking for another Bored Panda article highling how vastly different siblings’ experiences can be, look no further than right here.
After being asked how siblings can turn out vastly different despite being raised in the same circumstances, physician Dr. Gabor Maté raised a fascinating point
Image credits: dahliakurtz
Image credits: Vidal Balielo Jr. (not the actual photo)
He explained that no two siblings can ever have the exact same experience with their parents
Dr. Maté is an expert on childhood development and often writes and speaks about topics such as this
Image credits: Gabor Maté
You can hear his full explanation right here
@dahliakurtz How could your sibling be raised the same but turn out so differently? Maybe even a narcissist? Dr. Gabor Mate has the facsinating answer. You’ll never see yor sibling the same…For the full conversation, check out rhe link in bio. #mentalhealth #mentalhealthmatters #depressed #happy #gabormate #drgabormate #siblings #narcissism #parents #recoverty #trauma #help #healing #dahlia #bpd #anxiety #family #familygoals #siblingcheck #siblinggoals ♬ original sound – Dahlia Kurtz
When it comes to raising siblings the same way, the conversation usually revolves around raising boys and girls the same way. Parents are told not to impose gender roles or stereotypes onto their children that might cause them to grow up with prejudices or feel unsafe to explore their true personality and interests. That is a very important conversation to have, but far less often do we hear people call attention to the fact that siblings are actually never raised the same way.
To gain more insight on this particular topic, we reached out to the woman who interviewed Dr. Maté in the video, radio host, speaker and podcaster Dahlia Kurtz. We were curious if Dahlia resonated with what Dr. Maté shared during this interview. “When Dr. Maté explained that no two children are raised by the same parents – my entire perception and understanding of my family dynamic shifted,” Dahlia told Bored Panda. “And while his reasoning came from a very educated, researched, and experienced place, I felt like this answer seemed so obvious I should have known it my entire life. I think this is because when things resonate so clearly, in hindsight they seem so obvious.”
“But I will say, even though Dr. Maté said that as the middle child I could not compete with the baby for cuteness – I was the only girl and pretty dang cute,” Dahlia added. I’ll second that; being the middle child does have its perks when you’re sandwiched between two brothers, at least in my experience.
Dahlia also shared some of the most enlightening things she has learned from her conversations with Dr. Maté. The three big points that struck her were his explanation about siblings having different parents, how everything goes back to childhood trauma (which you can find him discuss in this TikTok), and his advice for people who feel like they can’t go on, which you can find in this TikTok. The full conversation between Dahlia and Dr. Maté can be found on her website right here.
We also asked Dahlia if she has taken anything from her conversations with Dr. Maté that she remembers in her everyday life. “Well, for one, I can’t stop thinking about our conversation because people have not stopped asking me about it,” she shared with a smile. “But I’m so happy about that. Because it shows how desperately people want to heal. How they want to be better. How they want to help others.”
“I’ve actually been thinking less about me and more about those who think they are stuck in whatever helpless situation,” Dahlia explained. “I’m trying to figure out a way to get Dr. Maté’s insight to them. Words are powerful. And his words can save lives. Especially in such a deep-rooted loneliness epidemic like the one we’re living in. People do not feel seen. He sees them. They need to feel this. It will show them there’s hope. And they will realize they are so much stronger than they think they are.”
“As Dr. Maté told me, if you are even thinking that you can’t go on, if you are even questioning yourself, that part of you that is having that conversation inside your head, is the part of you that cares about you. So if there’s a part of you that really cares about you, you really do have value,” Dahlia shared.
Finally, we asked Dahlia if she thinks it’s important for parents and children to hear the message Dr. Maté shared in this video. “Absolutely,” she said. “When you understand things in context, why they happen, then you can shift your perspective. Self-blame and self-hate diminish. Your empathy increases. Your compassion increases. And maybe most importantly, your self-compassion increases.”
If you’d like to see more uplifting content from Dahlia, be sure to follow her on TikTok and check out her podcast Live And Help Live, which she describes as “kinda like Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood – but for adults”, on her website right here.
We would love to hear your thoughts on this video down below. Could you always tell that you were raised differently than your siblings, or has seeing this video been a major epiphany for you? Feel free to share your personal experiences, pandas, and then if you’re interested in gaining even more knowledge from Dr. Maté, you can find his website right here.
Dr. Maté’s insight resonated with many viewers, some even felt compelled to share their own experiences online
Image credits: ohcharlie__
Image credits: twotastistic
Image credits: becomingShika
Image credits: PrimeTimeJada
Image credits: kivonshe
Image credits: OMG_its_TECHIE
Image credits: mamimela_
Image credits: EdHeartsStede
I have 3 older siblings. So much older that they were moved out of the house by the time I was old enough to talk and remember them living at home. They had a PTA, stay at home, make dinner every night mom. I had an abusive mother who mentally and physically at times abused me. My older siblings never understood when I would tell them we both had different versions of that woman, and to this day they still don't believe that I was ever abused. My mother hid it from them and she lied about it to everyone when I did try telling people. She would even smirk at me when my attempts failed. It was a nightmare. I know this article isn't exactly the same thing, but I felt like venting, lol
Keep venting. Not all parents are rolemodels - some are real monsters for (some off) their children.
Load More Replies...
Absolutely, with our first pancake I was an insecure parent in the middle of mourning. With the second, there was a much more stable home life, plus a heap of parenting experience. Not even counting personality differences and oldest/youngest dynamic.
Both pancakes / children are turning out okay and lovely, btw. But two very, very different people
Load More Replies... This make a lot of sense, but I believe that at the base of personality there are also certain genetic characteristics.
There's 13 years age gap between me (oldest child) and my little brother. The difference between how we were raised is astonishing. I always was kept on a short leash (too short, that's what I thought at the time and I maintain it as an adult), my brother on the other hand has too much freedom (still it's more healthy for him than the way I had been raised). Well, everybody makes mistakes, they just change with time.
I am the youngest of 13 children and the only girl. My brothers say that by the time I came along, my parents were too tired to parent me so they had to. I am so much more independent than my brothers because the boys made me that way. No one wanted to raise me so I took what I could get and figured out the rest on my own. My parents weren't neglectful, I just wasn't given a lot of direction or discipline.
I'm an only child, so no siblings to compare to, but I'm a parent of 3 kids. It's always balancing act of trying to treat them all fairly, keeping things mostly equal but also recognizing their own unique individual needs. Plus I'm always changing as a parent. I've definitely made some parenting mistakes, that hopefully I've learned from and wont repeat, (sorry first born). But also I don't always have the same time/energy/enthusiasm to do things with the younger I may have with the older at the same age. Plus all the external factors that effect our lives, shifting financials, death of grandparent, a global pandemic.
ummm... has he heard of twins? Sure I've got an older (singleton) kid, and I can see the argument for her case. But her younger siblings are the same age/stage, so they are treated the same albeit different from oldest.
but they are still different people with different attitudes. those differences make an impact as well.
Load More Replies... 
I am the oldest of 4 girls. I had the first child experience and the next sister came 13 months later. The next 2 years after her and the baby 2 years after her. We are all very different in personality,but we are all very similar in traits, how we look at family, and enjoy each others' company. Our parents are passed on, and we all literally became so much closer as adults than we were before we were " orphans" in my middle sister's words. But we all had a different experience with our parents. One big one is, as the oldest and first, there are so many more pictures of me! Later, there were plenty of us all, and we treasure them, greatly!
OMG, I have that same family dynamic, except I'm #2, just 11 months younger than #!. My parents had the four of us within 5.5 years (Sept '70, Aug '71, May '74, and March '76). In our family the two older were grouped together and the two younger together. So essentially my older sister and I had pretty much the same experiences at the same time, and my two younger sisters went through childhood stages together. We all have distinctly different personalities, so despite being so close in age, we too had different relationships with our parents. #1 is bossy and competitive while I'm more of a peacemaker. #3 is serious and stubborn and #4 is the funny entertainer. We too have the same photo differential with a whole album for #1, mine's half full, #3 has few pages, and I think there's a snapshot of #4 in a box somewhere. These days whenever I call my parents I say "Hi, it's #2!" haha
Load More Replies...
I'm a middle child and I can definitely tell differences between how the three of us were treated. There is just the age thing, like I'd have to wait to be responsible for a fun chore until it was my turn, to immediately be skipped over since it was more fun and important for my little sister (other fun things had this pattern too). I'd also have the same rules and real responsibilities as my older sister, but they often got skipped for the younger. But as we grew older more things changed. Divorce and which parent we lived with changed how they treated us. My younger sister and I stayed with my mother and after my father moved 1000 km away we got vacation treated and my older sister had way more responsibilities and way less leeway compared to us when we visited. Economics also made a huge impact. My teens were better off than my little sister, though her childhood was better off than mine.
I am youngest. My mother was focused on the needs of my older sister. All the milestones with her. If I had needs, which I rarely did, I was selfish. Mom says I am her favorite because "I was so easy". No, I was neglected and abused.
The only reason I will/would ever question my siblings' relationships with our parents is to find out if they're ok or if they bring something up (so it's not 'why is your relationship like this', or evaluating it, more what the situation is), as we all had different experiences (not malicious, but things that accidentally hurt or affect someone's psyche) due to varying health issues and so if they felt less safe going to our parents for advice/to vent, I'd want to make sure (to my capability) I step up and be that safe space if they need me to. Any other relationship considerations are their business and it's not my place to assume or judge.
I know of Dr Maté, he talks a lot of good sense about addiction as well.
I'm the youngest if three but the only unwanted pregnancy. My siblings remember a two parent household, I was raised by a single mother who barely tried.
I'm 14 months older than my brother, and he turned out to be a narcissist. =(
I have 3 older siblings. So much older that they were moved out of the house by the time I was old enough to talk and remember them living at home. They had a PTA, stay at home, make dinner every night mom. I had an abusive mother who mentally and physically at times abused me. My older siblings never understood when I would tell them we both had different versions of that woman, and to this day they still don't believe that I was ever abused. My mother hid it from them and she lied about it to everyone when I did try telling people. She would even smirk at me when my attempts failed. It was a nightmare. I know this article isn't exactly the same thing, but I felt like venting, lol
Keep venting. Not all parents are rolemodels - some are real monsters for (some off) their children.
Load More Replies... Absolutely, with our first pancake I was an insecure parent in the middle of mourning. With the second, there was a much more stable home life, plus a heap of parenting experience. Not even counting personality differences and oldest/youngest dynamic.
Both pancakes / children are turning out okay and lovely, btw. But two very, very different people
Load More Replies... This make a lot of sense, but I believe that at the base of personality there are also certain genetic characteristics.
There's 13 years age gap between me (oldest child) and my little brother. The difference between how we were raised is astonishing. I always was kept on a short leash (too short, that's what I thought at the time and I maintain it as an adult), my brother on the other hand has too much freedom (still it's more healthy for him than the way I had been raised). Well, everybody makes mistakes, they just change with time.
I am the youngest of 13 children and the only girl. My brothers say that by the time I came along, my parents were too tired to parent me so they had to. I am so much more independent than my brothers because the boys made me that way. No one wanted to raise me so I took what I could get and figured out the rest on my own. My parents weren't neglectful, I just wasn't given a lot of direction or discipline.
I'm an only child, so no siblings to compare to, but I'm a parent of 3 kids. It's always balancing act of trying to treat them all fairly, keeping things mostly equal but also recognizing their own unique individual needs. Plus I'm always changing as a parent. I've definitely made some parenting mistakes, that hopefully I've learned from and wont repeat, (sorry first born). But also I don't always have the same time/energy/enthusiasm to do things with the younger I may have with the older at the same age. Plus all the external factors that effect our lives, shifting financials, death of grandparent, a global pandemic.
ummm... has he heard of twins? Sure I've got an older (singleton) kid, and I can see the argument for her case. But her younger siblings are the same age/stage, so they are treated the same albeit different from oldest.
but they are still different people with different attitudes. those differences make an impact as well.
Load More Replies... I am the oldest of 4 girls. I had the first child experience and the next sister came 13 months later. The next 2 years after her and the baby 2 years after her. We are all very different in personality,but we are all very similar in traits, how we look at family, and enjoy each others' company. Our parents are passed on, and we all literally became so much closer as adults than we were before we were " orphans" in my middle sister's words. But we all had a different experience with our parents. One big one is, as the oldest and first, there are so many more pictures of me! Later, there were plenty of us all, and we treasure them, greatly!
OMG, I have that same family dynamic, except I'm #2, just 11 months younger than #!. My parents had the four of us within 5.5 years (Sept '70, Aug '71, May '74, and March '76). In our family the two older were grouped together and the two younger together. So essentially my older sister and I had pretty much the same experiences at the same time, and my two younger sisters went through childhood stages together. We all have distinctly different personalities, so despite being so close in age, we too had different relationships with our parents. #1 is bossy and competitive while I'm more of a peacemaker. #3 is serious and stubborn and #4 is the funny entertainer. We too have the same photo differential with a whole album for #1, mine's half full, #3 has few pages, and I think there's a snapshot of #4 in a box somewhere. These days whenever I call my parents I say "Hi, it's #2!" haha
Load More Replies... I'm a middle child and I can definitely tell differences between how the three of us were treated. There is just the age thing, like I'd have to wait to be responsible for a fun chore until it was my turn, to immediately be skipped over since it was more fun and important for my little sister (other fun things had this pattern too). I'd also have the same rules and real responsibilities as my older sister, but they often got skipped for the younger. But as we grew older more things changed. Divorce and which parent we lived with changed how they treated us. My younger sister and I stayed with my mother and after my father moved 1000 km away we got vacation treated and my older sister had way more responsibilities and way less leeway compared to us when we visited. Economics also made a huge impact. My teens were better off than my little sister, though her childhood was better off than mine.
I am youngest. My mother was focused on the needs of my older sister. All the milestones with her. If I had needs, which I rarely did, I was selfish. Mom says I am her favorite because "I was so easy". No, I was neglected and abused.
The only reason I will/would ever question my siblings' relationships with our parents is to find out if they're ok or if they bring something up (so it's not 'why is your relationship like this', or evaluating it, more what the situation is), as we all had different experiences (not malicious, but things that accidentally hurt or affect someone's psyche) due to varying health issues and so if they felt less safe going to our parents for advice/to vent, I'd want to make sure (to my capability) I step up and be that safe space if they need me to. Any other relationship considerations are their business and it's not my place to assume or judge.
I know of Dr Maté, he talks a lot of good sense about addiction as well.
I'm the youngest if three but the only unwanted pregnancy. My siblings remember a two parent household, I was raised by a single mother who barely tried.
I'm 14 months older than my brother, and he turned out to be a narcissist. =(
98
24