Person Shares How They Failed To Notice Key Cues That Their Parents Wouldn’t Pay For Their 18th B-Day Dinner
Birthday celebrations are different in various parts of the world. In some parts, the person who celebrates their birthday treats their friends and family to dinner and in others, they are the ones getting treated and pampered.
But in this person’s family, it seems that they haven’t made up their minds, because up until their 18th birthday, they always went to Applebee’s for dinner and paid for everything, but this time the parents wanted the 18-year-old to pay for the meal themselves out of nowhere.
More info: Reddit
There comes a time when you start paying for yourself, but it’s usually not sudden and definitely not on your birthday
Image credits: Mike Mozart (not the actual image)
Like it happened to this unemployed 18-year-old whose parents wanted them to have a separate bill for their birthday dinner
Image credits: Kevin Curtis (not the actual image)
Image credits: Jessie McCall (not the actual image)
Image credits: [deleted]
The celebrator didn’t see this coming and they blamed their autism spectrum disorder for not picking up cues of the changes starting
The author of the post wrote it just a day after their 18th birthday when they were truly hurt by their family. The Original Poster (OP) would go to Applebee’s every year and get the same steak and shrimp Parmesan with a side of loaded mashed potatoes, and cheesy steamed broccoli with a side of mozzarella sticks.
It was a bit expensive, but their parents would treat them for their birthday and they liked having the same thing because they have extreme OCD and high functioning autism, so routine helps them regulate.
But the celebration of their 18th birthday was not as fun as they remembered, because their mom asked the waiter to have a separate bill for the celebrator, which was completely unexpected because the OP didn’t really have a job apart from raking neighbors’ leaves and they never picked up on any cues that they were supposed to have one.
So the OP just sat there without dinner while the rest of the family ate, including their 23-year-old half-brother, because their mom paid for his meal. And the 18-year-old didn’t see anything wrong with it because it has happened before as they are a picky eater.
Redditors immediately started looking for reasons for this sudden change in behavior. After finding out that the stepfather has been in the OP’s life for 3 years, they guessed that this situation was his initiative.
On top of that, redditors also found out that the OP’s mom was getting social security because of them and 6 months before their 18th birthday, it stopped, because the OP didn’t want her guardianship as they were deemed to be fit to take care of themselves on their own.
For these reasons, the readers had a pretty negative impression of the parents. In an edit, the OP explained that they might have not read the room because they are very bad at reading social cues and they guess it’s their parents’ way to teach them independence and responsibility. The OP still loves their parents and acknowledges that they were a difficult child.
People truly understood why the OP would defend their parents, but they also raised a valid point that people on the autism spectrum often blame themselves for awkward social situations because they are aware they’re not the best at picking up the cues, but it’s not necessarily them who are the problem and in this case they believe the parents were being unfair.
Another important aspect to note is that the mom has been raising her child for 18 years, so if she wanted her child to know that something’s changed in their relationship, she of all people should know that the way to do it is not vague hints.
Image credits: Reginaldo Lustosa (not the actual image)
The OP thought that the biggest contributor to their confusion is that they are on the autism spectrum. They mentioned that they have high-functioning autism, which means they can “speak, read, write, and handle basic life skills like eating and getting dressed. They can live independently.”
The term is not an official medical diagnosis and the disorder is already called autism spectrum (ASD) disorder, because everyone has a varying level of it, so it is often viewed as inaccurate and also inappropriate.
Very Well Mind says that “Research suggests the term does not accurately reflect the challenges that autistic people deal with in their daily lives. This can lead to unrealistic expectations about people’s social, academic, occupational, and self-care abilities.”
They explain that what people colloquially call “high-functioning” could typically have level 1 of ASD, which in the official spectrum means that a person requires some support. Level 2 requires substantial support and level 3 requires very substantial support.
If a person has level 1 autism, which is what assumingly the OP has, they “might have difficulty initiating interactions or relationships or might have lower than average interest in these interactions” and “inflexible routines might cause interfering with functioning, and individuals might struggle with transitions, organization, and planning.”
Psych Central says that “A common symptom of high-functioning autism is having trouble interacting with one’s peers” and they are often seen as socially awkward. They might get frustrated by normal life experiences more than others and they tend to react more sensitively to physical sensations, including loud noises, uncomfortable clothing, touching, smells and tastes. Also, specific routines are important to them so they avoid changing them.
It is very possible that the OP misunderstood something and they are aware of the possibility of that happening. But as people in the comments pointed out, it’s not entirely their responsibility.
Mental health advocate Rachel Kelly says that “People with HF-ASD commonly exhibit difficulties with recognizing nuances of conversation, turn-taking, understanding humor and non-literal language” which the family members must know, so to facilitate communication, they should use clear and literal language.
It was truly a bizarre birthday and it would be hard to figure out what’s wrong even if you don’t have any disorders. And it’s peculiar how the parents suddenly wanted their child to pay separately for themselves just because they are legally considered an adult. Do you think the OP is being too harsh on themselves? Do you think people who have autism blame themselves too much? Let us know your thoughts in the comments.
But people in the comments decided that their disorder had nothing to do with their parents being awful people
Your family are a bunch of utter shits. This is the worst thing you can do to an autistic person. To then act like you are the ahole is just.... their attitude the whole time is that they all planned this knowing it would cause so much distress. This really boils my blood. I had to spend 4 days getting my son ready to go into school breakfast club the first time he went. If I hadn't it would have been a disaster. More recently my wife was going to take him to school but he got upset as it was a sudden change in routine so I took him as normal. I hope you can get away from them and live independently or with someone who is willing to make accommodations for you.
I know. What is this obsession about kids turning 18 and kicking them out of your house? What is paying $50 for your son on his special day? I would sometimes randomly buy stuff for my babies with my blue collar income and yet we were never lacking. As a parent it is our responsibility to love our kids because they never asked to be born. It does not matter how old they get. They are still our flesh and blood.
These people aren't parents, they are sperm and egg donors. Your babies never stop being your babies. Doesn't matter what age they are
Tell that to my crazya$$ mother. She threw away something that belonged to me without to talking me, locked me out when I went to get it, and then called the cops and reported me missing when I wasn't still waiting by the door to let back. Some people just do not deserve to be parents.
I'm totally with you here x
I agree with you 100% My son is an adult and as long as I live he will never pay for his meal in a restaurant with me or his father!
Im in my 40s and my sisters and I have to snatch the check or go to the counter pretending to go to the bathroom if we want to treat them or pay for ourselves when out to dinner with them. They finally caved enough to let us pay on days celebrating them 5 or 6 years ago.
What is this weird obession with the 18th birthday? Here most kids are still in school then, after that comes uni or vocational training. Nothing you can make an independent living on. And even if they were making enough money to be independent, what an effed up way to spring it on them. Some people shouldn't be having kids.
I would bet money on the parents not doing a single thing to help the OP prepare for independent living.
What kind of mother does that to her child? My child is a blessing and I will celebrate the day God gifted me with her till the day I die! I'm 47. My mom still treats me and wouldn't have it any other way. I'm sorry your mom is a b***h
So sad, but I agree that it is likely these awful parents will not help their autistic child to move out and set up a life for themselves. I was thinking that the parents are probably going to start treating their child worse and worse after this to try to force them to leave. The OP needs to get out before it gets even worse! 😢
They weren't. In fact OP's mom was collecting a welfare check that was supposed to be his. It expired on his 18th birthday.
In the UK 99% of 18th birthdays are spent drinking alcohol!!!! Think that's the main reason people celebrate it... Oh and you can vote at 18 too
At 18 you become a legal adult, and are no longer considered a child. Legally. Not physically, mentally, or emotionally. It just means that from that point on, you can sign legally binding contracts, enlist in the military, and if you mess up, you will be prosecuted as an adult. And your parents aren't legally required to care for you anymore. So all those people that should never have had kids get to pretend they don't.
In my country, if a child is still in school, the parents are legally required to care and provide for him/her till the age of 26, even if you become an adult at 18.
Yeah in mine too. You're just legally accountable if you do a crime
Here, 18 is the age of adulthood and independence. Most people graduate between 17 and 18. Not everyone gets to go to school after high school - prohibitively expensive. But even so, birthdays are usually bought for the person celebrating. The fact that the parents paid for the 23 year old shows something else was at work...
I was raised in a manner that once old enough to vote I should take responsibility for my life and decisions made, especially if college wasn't an option, so I have paid my way MOST of my life. Having said that - I have NEVER paid for my birthday meal and I have NEVER made a birthday girl or boy pay for their own. That's NOT what a gift is! There are extenuating circumstances with OP and those should have been taken into consideration BEFORE just 'dumping him in at the deep end of the pool' without even a pool noodle to hold on to.
Yeah, I get the thing about being a legal adult, that is the same here (as my 19 yr old keeps reminding me lol). But why would that result in financial independence like on the very date of their birthday? Why would parents expect that? In Germany, I could not even kick him out if I wanted to, until kids are 25 years old you are financially responsible if they can't make it on their own.
In the US you are legally an adult. Only AH would do that to their kids though
Because stupid people think that the government's arbitrary deadline of 18 is actually accurate.
I dunno for the rest of the world, and it's certainly different in the US, but here in the UK the 18th birthday is one where you're legally an adult and don't have to ask your parent's permission for anything... from marriage to drinking as much booze as you want. In the UK here most families would pay for that celebration for you and not let you even buy yourself one pint during that 'adult' birthday, but i can see how some may see the same thing as 'you're an adult now.. time to pay for your own s**t' as a lesson
In the United States, you're considered a "legal adult" at age 18 (as in, you can vote, get a tattoo, buy a lottery ticket, change your legal name, etc.) Although there are still a lot of things you CAN'T do at 18 (such as drink), in America, you're legally an adult at 18. That's why the 18th birthday is such a "big deal" here. Not sure about other countries.
In Norway we can do all that, including drinking. But that does not mean that parents kick their offspring out on their 18th birthdays! Parents help their kids transition into adulthood, and help them out if they do not have enough money to live on their own.
It's a big thing in the UK, we get 16th, 18th and 21st birthdays celebration, not everyone celebrates them to a huge extent though
Oh my god I'm autistic and YOU DO NOT SUDDENLY SPRING THINGS ON AN AUTISTIC PERSON. It INSTANTLY sets off massive anxiety and the victim will almost certainly panic. The parents should absolutely have known better, and this whole stunt they pulled was just out and out cruel. And that's not even getting into the nastiness of making someone of *any* age pay for their own birthday dinner.
You don't spring it on a non-autistic person either. Inviting someone to dinner implies the inviter is paying. That is a normal social cue. If they are not paying, that needs to be clarified before hand so the guest is prepared. I was invited to a kid's birthday party once. It was at a pizza joint, and I arrived to find I had to buy own food. Would have been very awkward if I hadn't had $10 in my pocket. OPs parents are TA's for pulling this c**p.
100% yes to all of this.
Exactly!
But maybe OP was not invited? Maybe he just assumed that they would go there as on all his birthdays, and asked them when they were goung, or just got in the car, or something, and the stupid family decided to act as if he had invited them?
YES OH MY GOSHHH I agree!! Like, just chillin... "Hey uh, You're paying your bill" Like, uhm.. Ma'am... Inform me earlier so I can mentally prepare for having to speak to people! 💀
I strongly suspect that the whole point here is to make him so uncomfortable and upset that he decided to leave the house and they don't have to feel bad for "kicking him out". I have a feeling they really resent him, especially with the detail that they paid for the 23 yo. The only thing that would convince me this isn't an attempt to force him out is if they pulled the same thing on the brother 5 years ago. Seems like the op would've been old enough to remember that happening and would have said, though.
My guess is mom has some autistic tendances and didn't catch on to stepdad's plan to push the kid away at the first opportunity, probably marketed under the guise of "teaching some independence". There's probably some lower income US culture mixed in with this, where independence is overvalued to a fault and a lot of people don't really believe someone who is struggling with their health, mental or otherwise.
PAGE 1 of 2 I AGREE WITH THE REPLIES YOU'VE RECEIVED THUS FAR. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG & THIS SITUATION WAS DEFINITELY NOT A MISUNDERSTANDING ON YOUR PART. YOUR MOTHER IS TOTALLY IN THE WRONG. HOW COULD SHE DO SOMETHING SO HURTFUL TO HER ONLY DAUGHTER❓ SHE KNOWS YOU DON'T HAVE A HIGH PAYING JOB. ANYONE BEING INVITED WITH A FAMILY TRADITION SUCH AS YOURS SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO PAY AT ALL, BUT MOST ESPECIALLY WITHOUT PRIOR NOTIFICATION. HAVING THE INVITEE PAY FOR THE MEAL ON SUCH AN AUSPICIOUS OCCASION, KIND OF DEFEATS THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF THE CELEBRATION. WHICH IS TO HAVE THE INVITEE "FEEL SPECIAL" ON THEIR "SPECIAL DAY". WHY DID SHE THINK IT WAS OK TO PAY FOR YOUR 23yo HALF BROTHER WHO IS OVER 18❓ AND "MORE IMPORTANTLY, IT WASN'T HIS BIRTHDAY" YOUR MOM IS MOST DEFINITELY GIVING INTO YOUR STEPDAD'S & POSS STEPSON'S PRESSURE TO EARN THEIR RESPECT. UNFORTUNATELY & SADDEST PART OF ALL OF THIS, IS THAT IT WAS DONE @ YOUR EXPENSE.
PAGE 2 OF 2 TOTALLY UNFAIR & NO WAY TO TREAT A DAUGHTER, ESPECIALLY A BIOLOGICAL DAUGHTER. KUDOS TO YOU FOR SAVING UP & ORDERING TAKE OUT. HOPEFULLY YOU CAN FIND A NICE PLACE TO TAKE IT, THAT YOU THOROUGHLY ENJOY & CELEBRATE WITH A FRIEND. I ALSO AGREE WITH YOUR PLAN TO DISCUSS THIS WITH YOUR MOM, AFTER THINGS CALM DOWN & WHEN YOUR STEPDAD & HALF BROTHER AREN'T AROUND. THAT WILL CLEAR UP FUTURE EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS & HOPEFULLY YOUR MOTHER WILL SEE SHE MADE A MISTAKE & APOLOGIZE FOR BEING SO HURTFUL. HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY & MAY ALL OF YOUR FUTURE BIRTHDAYS BE A HAPPY, MEMORABLE OCCASION.
Your family are a bunch of utter shits. This is the worst thing you can do to an autistic person. To then act like you are the ahole is just.... their attitude the whole time is that they all planned this knowing it would cause so much distress. This really boils my blood. I had to spend 4 days getting my son ready to go into school breakfast club the first time he went. If I hadn't it would have been a disaster. More recently my wife was going to take him to school but he got upset as it was a sudden change in routine so I took him as normal. I hope you can get away from them and live independently or with someone who is willing to make accommodations for you.
I know. What is this obsession about kids turning 18 and kicking them out of your house? What is paying $50 for your son on his special day? I would sometimes randomly buy stuff for my babies with my blue collar income and yet we were never lacking. As a parent it is our responsibility to love our kids because they never asked to be born. It does not matter how old they get. They are still our flesh and blood.
These people aren't parents, they are sperm and egg donors. Your babies never stop being your babies. Doesn't matter what age they are
Tell that to my crazya$$ mother. She threw away something that belonged to me without to talking me, locked me out when I went to get it, and then called the cops and reported me missing when I wasn't still waiting by the door to let back. Some people just do not deserve to be parents.
I'm totally with you here x
I agree with you 100% My son is an adult and as long as I live he will never pay for his meal in a restaurant with me or his father!
Im in my 40s and my sisters and I have to snatch the check or go to the counter pretending to go to the bathroom if we want to treat them or pay for ourselves when out to dinner with them. They finally caved enough to let us pay on days celebrating them 5 or 6 years ago.
What is this weird obession with the 18th birthday? Here most kids are still in school then, after that comes uni or vocational training. Nothing you can make an independent living on. And even if they were making enough money to be independent, what an effed up way to spring it on them. Some people shouldn't be having kids.
I would bet money on the parents not doing a single thing to help the OP prepare for independent living.
What kind of mother does that to her child? My child is a blessing and I will celebrate the day God gifted me with her till the day I die! I'm 47. My mom still treats me and wouldn't have it any other way. I'm sorry your mom is a b***h
So sad, but I agree that it is likely these awful parents will not help their autistic child to move out and set up a life for themselves. I was thinking that the parents are probably going to start treating their child worse and worse after this to try to force them to leave. The OP needs to get out before it gets even worse! 😢
They weren't. In fact OP's mom was collecting a welfare check that was supposed to be his. It expired on his 18th birthday.
In the UK 99% of 18th birthdays are spent drinking alcohol!!!! Think that's the main reason people celebrate it... Oh and you can vote at 18 too
At 18 you become a legal adult, and are no longer considered a child. Legally. Not physically, mentally, or emotionally. It just means that from that point on, you can sign legally binding contracts, enlist in the military, and if you mess up, you will be prosecuted as an adult. And your parents aren't legally required to care for you anymore. So all those people that should never have had kids get to pretend they don't.
In my country, if a child is still in school, the parents are legally required to care and provide for him/her till the age of 26, even if you become an adult at 18.
Yeah in mine too. You're just legally accountable if you do a crime
Here, 18 is the age of adulthood and independence. Most people graduate between 17 and 18. Not everyone gets to go to school after high school - prohibitively expensive. But even so, birthdays are usually bought for the person celebrating. The fact that the parents paid for the 23 year old shows something else was at work...
I was raised in a manner that once old enough to vote I should take responsibility for my life and decisions made, especially if college wasn't an option, so I have paid my way MOST of my life. Having said that - I have NEVER paid for my birthday meal and I have NEVER made a birthday girl or boy pay for their own. That's NOT what a gift is! There are extenuating circumstances with OP and those should have been taken into consideration BEFORE just 'dumping him in at the deep end of the pool' without even a pool noodle to hold on to.
Yeah, I get the thing about being a legal adult, that is the same here (as my 19 yr old keeps reminding me lol). But why would that result in financial independence like on the very date of their birthday? Why would parents expect that? In Germany, I could not even kick him out if I wanted to, until kids are 25 years old you are financially responsible if they can't make it on their own.
In the US you are legally an adult. Only AH would do that to their kids though
Because stupid people think that the government's arbitrary deadline of 18 is actually accurate.
I dunno for the rest of the world, and it's certainly different in the US, but here in the UK the 18th birthday is one where you're legally an adult and don't have to ask your parent's permission for anything... from marriage to drinking as much booze as you want. In the UK here most families would pay for that celebration for you and not let you even buy yourself one pint during that 'adult' birthday, but i can see how some may see the same thing as 'you're an adult now.. time to pay for your own s**t' as a lesson
In the United States, you're considered a "legal adult" at age 18 (as in, you can vote, get a tattoo, buy a lottery ticket, change your legal name, etc.) Although there are still a lot of things you CAN'T do at 18 (such as drink), in America, you're legally an adult at 18. That's why the 18th birthday is such a "big deal" here. Not sure about other countries.
In Norway we can do all that, including drinking. But that does not mean that parents kick their offspring out on their 18th birthdays! Parents help their kids transition into adulthood, and help them out if they do not have enough money to live on their own.
It's a big thing in the UK, we get 16th, 18th and 21st birthdays celebration, not everyone celebrates them to a huge extent though
Oh my god I'm autistic and YOU DO NOT SUDDENLY SPRING THINGS ON AN AUTISTIC PERSON. It INSTANTLY sets off massive anxiety and the victim will almost certainly panic. The parents should absolutely have known better, and this whole stunt they pulled was just out and out cruel. And that's not even getting into the nastiness of making someone of *any* age pay for their own birthday dinner.
You don't spring it on a non-autistic person either. Inviting someone to dinner implies the inviter is paying. That is a normal social cue. If they are not paying, that needs to be clarified before hand so the guest is prepared. I was invited to a kid's birthday party once. It was at a pizza joint, and I arrived to find I had to buy own food. Would have been very awkward if I hadn't had $10 in my pocket. OPs parents are TA's for pulling this c**p.
100% yes to all of this.
Exactly!
But maybe OP was not invited? Maybe he just assumed that they would go there as on all his birthdays, and asked them when they were goung, or just got in the car, or something, and the stupid family decided to act as if he had invited them?
YES OH MY GOSHHH I agree!! Like, just chillin... "Hey uh, You're paying your bill" Like, uhm.. Ma'am... Inform me earlier so I can mentally prepare for having to speak to people! 💀
I strongly suspect that the whole point here is to make him so uncomfortable and upset that he decided to leave the house and they don't have to feel bad for "kicking him out". I have a feeling they really resent him, especially with the detail that they paid for the 23 yo. The only thing that would convince me this isn't an attempt to force him out is if they pulled the same thing on the brother 5 years ago. Seems like the op would've been old enough to remember that happening and would have said, though.
My guess is mom has some autistic tendances and didn't catch on to stepdad's plan to push the kid away at the first opportunity, probably marketed under the guise of "teaching some independence". There's probably some lower income US culture mixed in with this, where independence is overvalued to a fault and a lot of people don't really believe someone who is struggling with their health, mental or otherwise.
PAGE 1 of 2 I AGREE WITH THE REPLIES YOU'VE RECEIVED THUS FAR. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG & THIS SITUATION WAS DEFINITELY NOT A MISUNDERSTANDING ON YOUR PART. YOUR MOTHER IS TOTALLY IN THE WRONG. HOW COULD SHE DO SOMETHING SO HURTFUL TO HER ONLY DAUGHTER❓ SHE KNOWS YOU DON'T HAVE A HIGH PAYING JOB. ANYONE BEING INVITED WITH A FAMILY TRADITION SUCH AS YOURS SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO PAY AT ALL, BUT MOST ESPECIALLY WITHOUT PRIOR NOTIFICATION. HAVING THE INVITEE PAY FOR THE MEAL ON SUCH AN AUSPICIOUS OCCASION, KIND OF DEFEATS THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF THE CELEBRATION. WHICH IS TO HAVE THE INVITEE "FEEL SPECIAL" ON THEIR "SPECIAL DAY". WHY DID SHE THINK IT WAS OK TO PAY FOR YOUR 23yo HALF BROTHER WHO IS OVER 18❓ AND "MORE IMPORTANTLY, IT WASN'T HIS BIRTHDAY" YOUR MOM IS MOST DEFINITELY GIVING INTO YOUR STEPDAD'S & POSS STEPSON'S PRESSURE TO EARN THEIR RESPECT. UNFORTUNATELY & SADDEST PART OF ALL OF THIS, IS THAT IT WAS DONE @ YOUR EXPENSE.
PAGE 2 OF 2 TOTALLY UNFAIR & NO WAY TO TREAT A DAUGHTER, ESPECIALLY A BIOLOGICAL DAUGHTER. KUDOS TO YOU FOR SAVING UP & ORDERING TAKE OUT. HOPEFULLY YOU CAN FIND A NICE PLACE TO TAKE IT, THAT YOU THOROUGHLY ENJOY & CELEBRATE WITH A FRIEND. I ALSO AGREE WITH YOUR PLAN TO DISCUSS THIS WITH YOUR MOM, AFTER THINGS CALM DOWN & WHEN YOUR STEPDAD & HALF BROTHER AREN'T AROUND. THAT WILL CLEAR UP FUTURE EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS & HOPEFULLY YOUR MOTHER WILL SEE SHE MADE A MISTAKE & APOLOGIZE FOR BEING SO HURTFUL. HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY & MAY ALL OF YOUR FUTURE BIRTHDAYS BE A HAPPY, MEMORABLE OCCASION.