This Engineer Grew Tired Of Her Male Coworker’s Domineering Behavior, She Started Calling Him ‘Emotional’ Around The Office
Women are often stereotyped as more “irrational” and “emotional” than men. Despite the studies that debunk this, such labels continue to be unequally reserved for just the ladies. Not only do these labels also become roadblocks when trying to understand and identify emotional maturity in all adults, but they can also lead to unprofessional and even unaddressed problematic behaviors in the workplace.
The narrative that men are “rational” while women are just ‘emotional beings incapable of restraint’ was put to the test in a recent post in the AITA subreddit. The Original Poster (OP) u/imonvacaaation wanted to know if her decision to turn the tables on her male coworker by using labels often attributed to women was justified…
More info: Reddit
A woman starts calling her male coworker’s aggressive outbursts “emotional” and gets fellow coworkers to do the same
The post starts with the OP telling readers she is an engineer, on a team of seven others, that is trying to navigate the unruly behavior of one male teammate. She goes on to describe him as someone who is unable to have a respectful disagreement, who raises his voice, yells, and doesn’t respect personal space: a behavior the OP hates. She continues by describing the indifference demonstrated by her boss when she brought up this co-worker’s problematic behavior.
The boss responded to her concerns by brushing the situation aside and saying his behavior was better now than a decade ago. This made the OP wonder what he was like 10 years ago, given that his present behavior is far from “mellow.”
Image credits: imonvacaaation
The woman tried to inform her supervisor of her coworker’s unprofessional behavior, but it was “brushed under the rug”
Image credits: imonvacaaation
So, with no hope of intervention from upper management on the horizon, the OP chose an alternative course of action. Rather than commenting on the aggressive coworker’s behavior and labeling it as “anger” or “arguing” and “yelling,” she flipped the script. She began to swap in the words and phrases like “emotional” or “throwing a tantrum,” in hopes it would shift the office’s perception of him from being “domineering” to being “emotional.”
Image credits: imonvacaaation
The OP took matters into her own hands and started making comments about the situation to her coworkers
Image credits: imonvacaaation
As the OP describes, she began to subtly drop her curated comments in meetings with work colleagues and to her boss. If she had a meeting with him and he showed his temper, she would mention it to others with comments of disbelief over his overly “emotional” behavior, also not being able to understand how he had the energy to throw a “hissy fit” at 9 am.
If a coworker asked her why he was yelling, she would express a loss for words and continued to remark on how irrationally he was behaving. If the OP had a meeting with her boss, she started by praising her other male coworkers and then mentioning how the problematic coworker had trouble “managing his emotions” and had a “temper tantrum,” reminding them of “how he was.”
Image credits: imonvacaaation
This change of language even began to be adopted by others in her workplace and they started to refer to the problematic behavior as “Jay’s Fits.” The OP adds that she even got bold enough to start remarking on his “emotional” behavior to his face, informing him she couldn’t understand him when he was being so emotional.
So, how exactly did the problematic coworker adjust to the OP’s shift of tactics, which was becoming an office trend? She goes on that coworkers started picking up the tactic and started to tell him to get a hold of himself. In time, the problematic coworker stopped yelling at the OP.
The change of language started to catch the attention of the OP’s other coworkers
Image credits: imonvacaaation
Others in the OP’s office then started to refer to the problematic coworker as “irrational” and “emotional”
Image credits: imonvacaaation
The tactic appears to be working out for the OP. Her present interactions with her coworker seem to look a bit different from earlier ones. The OP talks about a recent interaction where “Jay” fell back into his old ways and she informed him that she couldn’t talk to him when he was being so “emotional.”
However, this response from the OP caused “Jay” to become hyper-aggressive and ask why she labeled him “emotional.” The OP just gave the response “dude, you look like you’re on the verge of tears, go look in the mirror before you ask me.” She also remarked that he looked as if he was about to cry, knowing this would annoy the coworker further, but was fully aware that his red face was out of aggression, and not tearful anger.
The OP still uses this method whenever she is confronted with her coworker’s behavior
Image credits: imonvacaaation
The OP reflected on her tactics and understands how it could seem “petty,” but still feels it’s been effective
Image credits: imonvacaaation
Image credits: I am R. (not the actual photo)
The OP feels that she may have been on the verge of gaslighting the coworker, but also feels this was the best course of action because “…it worked when the ‘proper channels’ didn’t.”
So, the question remains: was the OP TA for calling her coworker emotional when he got mad? Okay, Pandas, tell us what you think and leave your comments below!
People in the comments told the woman that she did everything right and commended her for flipping the script!
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Share on FacebookTruly at a loss to understand why telling a yelling/tantrum style man and everyone around him that his loss of emotional control is unprofessional (crybaby) is gaslighting? Aren’t we fighting to move beyond “oh, it’s down to your hormones” to it’s ok if you have emotions but you don’t get to verbally or emotionally abuse your co-workers, take a few to regroup?
Yeah, I don't see this as gaslighting, but more like...speaking the unvarnished truth? I mean, this guy IS being emotional...he is letting his emotions rule over his reactions to conflict. It's seems like the definition of emotional.
Load More Replies...I love this. ❤️ Deflating his screaming and rude behaviour for calling it what it actually are... temper tantrums. Grownups at work, can't run around and scream at coworkers. It's silly and I love how she's finding an effective way of calling him out on it instead of letting it go because "that's Jays personality". Their coworker also sounds like they are done with his BS. Hopefully they will have a calm and better workplace when Jay learns to not throw fits at work. 🙂
I'm going to remember this tactic! I once worked with an IT manager who did the same thing - if anyone disagreed with him he'd go scarlet in the face and start shouting. If people walked away he'd follow them across the office, still shouting. I was once in a meeting with him and a third party IT company and they called for a break. They then took me aside and asked if they need to be worried about "Bob" having a heart attack or stroke - they were genuinely horrified about how he was reacting.
Ha, this is brilliant. More people need to understand that losing your temper all the time is *not* a mark of strength, but rather a sign of weakness.
Nope, I do not deal with a$$holes like this. Your tactic should never have been forced into light. The managers should have done their job and stepped in with corrective action years ago. This is very much a double standard. Guys like this act this way because everyone allows it to happen. Bravo on you for not allowing it anymore. I don't think you're gaslighting him, he IS being overly emotional. and throwing man baby tantrums. Good on you for calling him out.
I mean...anger is an emotion right? So he is definitely being emotional. Nothing wrong with calling that out!
Load More Replies...Angry outbursts are a form of verbal aggression and don't belong in a professional context because they create a hostile work environment for everyone. Nobody has time for dealing with a grown-up toddler who can't regulate their emotions.
If someone is seriously screaming in a coworker's face this seems like verbal abuse to me. It shouldn't be tolerated. The threat of violence should be taken seriously in this case. People who can't control their anger need to be fired. Someone could really get hurt if not. I had an angry boss who later went on to assault a woman his son was dating... in his office!
OP, you've the patience of a saint. I wonder how many decent employees Panty Boy has run off. I'd a boss that blew like that & I stood up & flipped his desk over- figured I was fired, but he simply went in the WC & paced about. He never blew at me again. I worked there 17 yrs.
This isn't gaslighting at all, he IS being incredibly emotional and it's utterly unnecessary. I hope he calms the F down because that is an appalling attitude to have in the workplace and saying "you should've seen him ten years ago" isn't an excuse to let him continue being like that.
Anger is an emotion. For some reason, it’s just more accepted- which is not ok, btw. You’re not gaslighting him; you’re telling the truth. He is being overcome with his emotions. ‘Tantrum’ and ‘hissy fit’ might be a bit much but so is having a coworker yell in your face. So fair play.
My mother would let people rant and cuss or whatever. When they stopped to take a breath she would ask if they were done. If they didn't answer she would ask what they wanted calmly no emotion. Got them almost every time.
Definitely NTA. More like a genius! Love this, going to try it on my brother.
I'm a little worried this nut job is going to come into your house into your company packing a weapon and start shooting the place up because that's how people like that deal with things girls may b***h and cry but men Yell punch and shoot
I once had a colleague who was notorious for his descent into shouting matches. I got caught up a couple of times before I realized how silly I was being by allowing engagement. After that I would just walk away from him when he started to get heated. It was a good lesson for me. And things got quieter in the office.
Weirdly a good idea. On the face of it it COULD be considered like bullying but it has actually gotten him to question his behaviour when it has been presented to him in a fashion he finds to be negative. ie he thinks aggression is good but emotions are bad. It's a shame that all of them have had to put up with this and then resort to that rather than just flat out tell him to stop or get HR intervention tho..
No, sir. She absolutely was not being a manipulative jerk. She was being very rational & standing up to his insecure, childish behavior. Pretty sure if one of the MEN in the office had done what she did, you would never call him a "manipulative jerk".
Load More Replies...Truly at a loss to understand why telling a yelling/tantrum style man and everyone around him that his loss of emotional control is unprofessional (crybaby) is gaslighting? Aren’t we fighting to move beyond “oh, it’s down to your hormones” to it’s ok if you have emotions but you don’t get to verbally or emotionally abuse your co-workers, take a few to regroup?
Yeah, I don't see this as gaslighting, but more like...speaking the unvarnished truth? I mean, this guy IS being emotional...he is letting his emotions rule over his reactions to conflict. It's seems like the definition of emotional.
Load More Replies...I love this. ❤️ Deflating his screaming and rude behaviour for calling it what it actually are... temper tantrums. Grownups at work, can't run around and scream at coworkers. It's silly and I love how she's finding an effective way of calling him out on it instead of letting it go because "that's Jays personality". Their coworker also sounds like they are done with his BS. Hopefully they will have a calm and better workplace when Jay learns to not throw fits at work. 🙂
I'm going to remember this tactic! I once worked with an IT manager who did the same thing - if anyone disagreed with him he'd go scarlet in the face and start shouting. If people walked away he'd follow them across the office, still shouting. I was once in a meeting with him and a third party IT company and they called for a break. They then took me aside and asked if they need to be worried about "Bob" having a heart attack or stroke - they were genuinely horrified about how he was reacting.
Ha, this is brilliant. More people need to understand that losing your temper all the time is *not* a mark of strength, but rather a sign of weakness.
Nope, I do not deal with a$$holes like this. Your tactic should never have been forced into light. The managers should have done their job and stepped in with corrective action years ago. This is very much a double standard. Guys like this act this way because everyone allows it to happen. Bravo on you for not allowing it anymore. I don't think you're gaslighting him, he IS being overly emotional. and throwing man baby tantrums. Good on you for calling him out.
I mean...anger is an emotion right? So he is definitely being emotional. Nothing wrong with calling that out!
Load More Replies...Angry outbursts are a form of verbal aggression and don't belong in a professional context because they create a hostile work environment for everyone. Nobody has time for dealing with a grown-up toddler who can't regulate their emotions.
If someone is seriously screaming in a coworker's face this seems like verbal abuse to me. It shouldn't be tolerated. The threat of violence should be taken seriously in this case. People who can't control their anger need to be fired. Someone could really get hurt if not. I had an angry boss who later went on to assault a woman his son was dating... in his office!
OP, you've the patience of a saint. I wonder how many decent employees Panty Boy has run off. I'd a boss that blew like that & I stood up & flipped his desk over- figured I was fired, but he simply went in the WC & paced about. He never blew at me again. I worked there 17 yrs.
This isn't gaslighting at all, he IS being incredibly emotional and it's utterly unnecessary. I hope he calms the F down because that is an appalling attitude to have in the workplace and saying "you should've seen him ten years ago" isn't an excuse to let him continue being like that.
Anger is an emotion. For some reason, it’s just more accepted- which is not ok, btw. You’re not gaslighting him; you’re telling the truth. He is being overcome with his emotions. ‘Tantrum’ and ‘hissy fit’ might be a bit much but so is having a coworker yell in your face. So fair play.
My mother would let people rant and cuss or whatever. When they stopped to take a breath she would ask if they were done. If they didn't answer she would ask what they wanted calmly no emotion. Got them almost every time.
Definitely NTA. More like a genius! Love this, going to try it on my brother.
I'm a little worried this nut job is going to come into your house into your company packing a weapon and start shooting the place up because that's how people like that deal with things girls may b***h and cry but men Yell punch and shoot
I once had a colleague who was notorious for his descent into shouting matches. I got caught up a couple of times before I realized how silly I was being by allowing engagement. After that I would just walk away from him when he started to get heated. It was a good lesson for me. And things got quieter in the office.
Weirdly a good idea. On the face of it it COULD be considered like bullying but it has actually gotten him to question his behaviour when it has been presented to him in a fashion he finds to be negative. ie he thinks aggression is good but emotions are bad. It's a shame that all of them have had to put up with this and then resort to that rather than just flat out tell him to stop or get HR intervention tho..
No, sir. She absolutely was not being a manipulative jerk. She was being very rational & standing up to his insecure, childish behavior. Pretty sure if one of the MEN in the office had done what she did, you would never call him a "manipulative jerk".
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