Bride With A Distinct Fashion Style Chooses A Dress Her MIL Doesn’t Like, MIL Buys A Dress Herself And Her Son Is Furious
Sometimes, planning a wedding can be a bit of a headache, to say the least. After all, preparing for one of the most important events in somebody’s life can put quite a bit of stress and pressure on one’s shoulders. That is why it is important that during such an occasion, everybody tries to find compromises and common ground so that everything goes as smoothly as possible.
People, however, can sometimes be hard to convince, even when things shouldn’t be up to them. Someone on Reddit decided to ask if they were wrong to ban their own mother from their wedding because of her constant and rude remarks regarding the Original Poster’s (OP) fiancee’s dress choice. Scroll down for the whole story!
More info: Reddit
This groom decided that his mother wasn’t welcome at his wedding anymore after continuous insults of his fiancee’s dress
Image credits: Foxy Foxy
As most of us can probably agree, the outfits of the newlyweds are some of the main highlights of any wedding. But above everything else, the newlyweds themselves have to enjoy their style. After all, it is their day. In the case of OP’s wedding preparations, among other people, his mother joined in when it came to picking his fiancee’s dress. The fiancee wanted to dress vintage, but OP’s mother thought that to be an inexcusably bad option.
OP starts out by saying that he and his fiancee, who loves to dress vintage, are getting ready for their wedding
Image credits: u/SouthernCabinet9
OP explains that he and his fiancee are getting married and mention that perhaps they’re not doing it at the best time, possibly hinting at the coronavirus pandemic. OP also explains that his fiancee loves to dress vintage, and even though he wouldn’t follow her example, he’s more than used to it. This is very important for the rest of the story.
OP explains that the issue arises when it comes to his mother’s outlook towards his fiancee’s dress code
Image credits: u/SouthernCabinet9
It appears that OP’s mother has a problem with his fiancee’s wedding dress, and for rather peculiar reasons. She managed to make a connection between the fiancee’s fashion choice and certain historical contexts, which point to the exploitation of women. On top of that, OP’s mother is constantly trying to convince the fiancee that she ought to wear something modern, rather than something she would feel good in.
The situation reached its peak when OP’s mother decided to bring a full wedding dress that she picked out to their home, which didn’t go down well
Image credits: Elaine
Image credits: u/SouthernCabinet9
When OP’s mother appeared in his and his fiancee’s home with a wedding dress in her hands, things went off the rails pretty quickly. Not only she was insisting that the fiancee’s dress was not appropriate, but she also started saying things that were truly out of proportion. The mother and son exchanged some things and she was uninvited from the wedding, storming out afterwards. After all this, OP wanted to know if he was wrong to do that.
The commentators stood in unanimous support for OP, saying that he was right in protecting his fiancee’s interests
All in all, it seems from people’s reactions that the OP was indeed right in that situation. Things can always be handled in the most orderly fashion possible, but other times strictness is key in protecting someone’s interests, which is what OP did. What do you think of the situation? Consider leaving a comment!
This one kills me. So many modern wedding dresses are made in sweatshops, with awful working conditions for little pay, almost exclusively by women. If you have the budget, you can avoid this, but it seems to me a modern dress is more potentially concerning from a feminist pov?
YES!!! Thank you!!!! I wish I could upvote your comment a million times. Modern fashion is far worse on the world’s women than vintage fashion. At least a vintage dress wouldn’t require several women paid slave wages to work 15 hour days to make the dress. If MIL is so concerned with the dress saying fiancée wants women to go back to being slaves, she should consider the working conditions of modern sweatshop employees.
Load More Replies...The mother is just seeking attention and wanting her own way, if she had any actual thoughts about feminism or women's rights, she would not be trying to police what other woman can or cannot choose to wear. No apology needed, she was out of line and deserved to be kicked out the house. I would leave what happens next to the fiance, and just support however she wants it handled. Could be that the fiance genuinely (and correctly) does not care what his mother thinks or says and just wants to get on with her wedding. If she is confident in her own style, and dresses differently on a daily basis, likely she has heard it all before.
Yes she is just using it as an excuse to bully her DIL i am sure
Load More Replies...Why would you assume someone is anti-feminist based on their vintage clothing? That's ridiculous.
Yeah, I don't get it either... surely feminism is about equity of choice and options between genders... not freeing yourself from men telling you what you can and can't wear only to then be a slave to other women telling you what you can and can't wear?
Load More Replies...I think this man is wonderful for sticking up for his fiance. And his fiance is wonderful for saying don't sour your relationship with your mother over a dress. This couple knows what love is all about. Best wishes for a very happy and long marriage.
Sounds like the mom is confused about just WHO is getting married. After a cooling off period, reinvite her with the stipulation she only show support for the bride and groom and keep her criticisms to herself. This is important because when one shows unforgiveness for (hopefully) once in a lifetime events there is no way to make this up later. If the son is not willing to disown his mom forever, he should exercise forgiveness with conditions for future behavior.
The mother doesn't like the bride, she is throwing a huge fit because she is searching for a reason to be nasty towards her. The clothing is just her chosen avenue of attack. I bet she had really convinced herself of the BS she is spilling. If it weren't the clothes, it would be something else. She has a fundamental issue with the bride and no dress is going to change that.
So refreshing to read one of these where the man actually stands up for his partner.
It's you and your fiancee's big day and whatever makes her feel the best is the smartest choice. Besides, as a huge Downton Abbey fan I think period dress design would make a real statement about your soon-to-be wife's personality. Go for it.
In the historical fashion world we have a saying called “vintage aesthetic, not vintage values”. Meaning, although we do not agree with the treatment of women, people of color, disabled people, and queer people, we still love the styles. I mostly dress in Edwardian, 1920s, and 1960s/70s fashion and do frequently get hit on by older men who think my vintage style implies I would like to live back in that time. I definitely don’t, because my transgender wife and I wouldn’t be able to be married & have a home and children together. But it is unfortunately a common response to my clothing, often accompanied by gross, negative comments about women today. DIL did nothing wrong, MIL needs to offer a sincere apology and listen quietly while DIL explains she absolutely doesn’t want to revert back to pre-first wave feminism and just loves the vintage aesthetic (and she can explain the environmental benefits of dressing vintage and how it doesn’t exploit the world’s poorest women).
As part of his heart-to-heart with Mumsie, he should make it clear: "I will always love you, but you must understand something. I made a promise that I'll always be in her corner. The answer to "If we were both drowning and you can only save one of us, who would you try to save first?" will ALWAYS be her. Even if it's our own child asking. The same rubric applies to the dress, and any decisions we make as a couple.
Um, if your child is drowning you should always choose your child.
Load More Replies...You should always back your wife but I hope you can reconcile (not back down) before the wedding so she can be a part of it. It's awful to have huge family drama at your wedding and no doubt this is going to cause issues with the rest of your family as well. your wife doesn't seem to want a drama stricken wedding. I think she and mom need to have a chat about their perspectives on the world to get rid of any misconceptions
You can appreciate the beautiful lines of a piece of clothing without wanting to make us live in that time. I love vintage clothing from a handful of past decades, but I sure as s**t prefer to live in the here and now. I know enough about history to know the “good old days” were definitely not good for everybody—-meaning minorities and women. F**k no, I don’t want to tune the clock back like all the knuckledraggers want, and howl like monkeys when the rest of us tell them to go f**k themselves. But I do like a lot of the clothes from back in the day.
I've got to hand it to this guy. Way to have your SO's back! As for the whole feminism thing the mom is touting... the whole white wedding dress is a throw back to a time when women were chattel, so maybe she'd prefer for her to dress like a cowboy or astronaut for the wedding. A coworker had a sort of similar issue, she wanted to wear a blush pink gown. Her mother had an absolute fit, and my colleague caved and wore white. I personally think weddings are more trouble (and money) than they're worth, but if you are going to have one, at least have the wedding YOU want, not the one someone else wants.
White wedding dresses became fashionable because it was what Queen Victoria chose. In her day she was as much of a fashion icon as any of the big names today. Over time white became traditional. The 'virginal white' part also got added later... brides used to marry in any colour. In fact it isn't that old a tradition really.
Load More Replies...Had the same issue over my engagement ring. My fiance had talked to my mom about getting together with her to go ring shopping. But then there was some new information revealed that completely changed what I wanted as a ring. What I was originally thinking is no longer what I wanted - I just wanted a simple, from the heart (his. - not hers! Is it such a befuddling concept that I I want the ring to be given to me and picked out for me by my husband and not my mom?), and my fiance totally nailed it. When we called the share the good news that we were engaged she got so Furious that my fiance had proposed the idea of involving her in the ring picking process but in the end eventually just did it himself. She didn't even sound happy when I told her I was engaged. She was miffed because *she* wasn't included. Definite narcissism iand borderline nonsense. Hey parents? Stop making it about yourself - you already had your wedding and this one's not about you.
I had to tell my father he couldn't come since I had several siblings/friends and my fiancee who were very uncomfortable around him from past trauma. My mother was againt us getting married, but she changed her mind when she saw my dress and I let her come. Parents don't have a right to their children's weddings in the US, so being bad to the couple getting married is not acceptable and should not be rewarded with attendence.
The MIL clearly doesn't understand what the women were like at the turn of the 20th century. Yes, it was a very sexist society but from the mid 1800s on women were at the forefront of every important social movement (and often getting beaten and jailed for it). Ending child labor and sweat shops, advancing universal suffrage, workers' unions, temperance, civil rights, abolitionism, and anti-war movements were not always started by them but they certainly did not shy away from the struggle. Those women were tough.
The OP's fiance should just wear the dress she wants, the dress of her dreams. It's really not any of the MIL's business. Maybe they could not include her in any of the wedding decisions if she is going to behave so immaturely. Is it my imagination or why do many similar stories end with the MIL crying and then calling everyone they know about what happened so then everyone calls the OP to b----h about issues they only know half of?
She should be proud her son is marrying a woman with her own style and mind of her own. Sheesh. Just makes feminists look bad.
Does this woman even know when the suffrage movement took place in history? Does she realize that women who fought for and won the right for her to vote wore Edwardian clothing???
I call this the plastic woke syndrome. They think they're on some divine quest to save the world and shine their light on the ignorant. All that despite never truly understanding or thinking things through themselves. Not so different from the plethora of "holy" literature thumping, pious fundamentalists, telling everyone and their cats they're all going to hell.
NTA. Your mom is a full-blown karen at best and a narcissist at worst. Unless mom is PAYING for the wedding, mom doesn't get a fracking say in ANYTHING. Parents need to learn when to let go. Usually it should be when your kids turn 18.
Feminism comes down to choice. Women deserve the right to choose for themselves. For a personal example, my hubby is more extroverted then me (like x1000) so I often let him take the lead in conversing with people… some people may think, ooo submissive wife. Nope just would rather be anywhere but there, no offense. I’m perfectly fine with taking the lead occasionally with important matters. I’m also way more to the point then he is and my come off as rude.
I for one think there is more to the mom's issue. I think the couple need to sit down with the whole family and talk it out. Specifically get to the bottom of the whole issue. They are the ones getting married. So they have every right to choose what they want. The fiancee needs to speak up and say what she feels she needs to with his support. He needs to keep supporting her. His mom should be proud for her son sticking up for his bride to be. Not all guys will especially against their own mom.
I would be very curious to know how long the relationship had been before the proposal, and what type of relationship the fiancée and possibly future MIL had until that point. Reacting SO strongly to a dress seems misplaced anger. Does the POSSIBLY future MIL not like the woman who is "stealing HER son", Is the possibly future MIL a control freak which OP indicates may be the case? It is completely up to the bride to be whether she wants to try and salvage the relationship, if so, she and the possibly future MIL need to go off by themselves to have a VERY serious conversation. Are there any other DIL's around and what is their relationship with this MIL? Will the couple live anywhere near the possibly future MIL so they will always be in each other's orbit? Is the couple prepared that others may decline to attend the possible wedding because they side with the possibly future MIL? Kudos to OP for being strong and I hope his fiancée thinks long and hard about walking down the aisle!
I'm somewhat confused. An Edwardian style dress would be floor length with lots of frills. Isn't that the same as a modern wedding dress?
This is not so much about your fiance's creative way of dressing as it is about the mama needing to recognize that you are no longer her little boy. You are not an extension of her anymore and she has to cut the umbilical cord. There's a reason why the sons and daughters leave their parents in cleave to their spouse. You guys are going to be creating your own family. It's time for your mom to let go of being the boss and recognize it's your wife's turn and your turn to make the rules for your family. She is now extended family. If you don't set these boundaries now you will be constantly bombarded with your mom trying to tell you how to live. You may still have to set boundaries throughout the rest of your life but hopefully it will get easier. Please speak with your fiance regarding the need for these boundaries. I know she doesn't want to be at odds with your mother. You have to be the one that's in the middle that's representing your fiance's interests.
Your response to your mother is absolutely correct and I am so pleased that you are in full support of your fiancée’s choice and right to select her own style. Try speaking with your mother again to see if you can bring her around in a calm manner. If your mother will not see the error of her actions then she unfortunately will have to miss out on your special day. Congratulations and Best wishes to you and your bride.
This has got me pondering now! A wedding dress, especially a traditional one from any era, is kind of anti feminist when I actually think about it.It’s often long and uncomfortable, with corsetry and hidden padding to accentuate the feminine form. It is often white, to represent purity and innocence, indicating that the wearer is virginal. One could argue that these things are for the benefit of the patriarchy and the “male gaze.” In marriage, again traditionally, the bride is given by her father to her husband at the altar. Losing her father’s name and taking her husband’s. The suffrage movement was in full swing by the Edwardian era, it’s as good a time as any to choose a wedding gown from!
Yes, all of that bar the white = purity virginal thing. Brides being virginal was a factor long before white dresses became the tradition. Queen Victoria made them fashionable when she chose to wear a white dress but before that brides wore coloured dresses. Then the trend stuck, that is all. The purity and white is an obvious link to make, but it came after the fact.
Load More Replies...'Twas the Edwardian Suffrage movement which eventually gave women the vote. Hardly anti-feminist!
The irony is that her "feminist" MIL is trying to control the freedom of choice of another adult woman's clothing. Not very feminist, really.
YOU, Sir, Are a SUPERSTAR!!!! Please raise children as wonderful as the both of you are!! Congratulations!!!
Where would his mother even get the idea liking vintage clothes means being anti-feminist? When I was getting married, my then fiancé and I agreed on not letting his mother get involved too much in wedding dress and ring choices. Unfortunately, she can be manipulative and will throw a hissy fit if she doesn't get her way.
This is insane. My daughter is getting married next weekend, so this really hit home. Bride and groom have the say-so…it’s THEIR wedding. MIL, nicely state your opinion, then STFU and back off. Not your day! (Can you imagine how this woman will act when OP and wife have kids? 😳
In what world does a so-called "feminist” believe she should be allowed to police what another woman chooses to wear? That sounds very ANTI-feminist to me. I love vintage fashion. AND I ALSO believe in equal treatment, equal pay for equivalent work, and bodily autonomy. I have no desire to live in the 40's, 50's, or 60's, but I would still love to dress 👗 that way.
Married at the age of 49 (the right man came along at last) I had very little money, due to having been off work ill for just over a year, so made my wedding ensemble. It was totally Edwardian, right down to the lace-edged parasol and my husband loved it. BTW - I'm not just a life-long feminist; at one stage I actually headed up the oldest and most prestigious feminist organisation in the UK. A dress is a dress, and you have to feel great in whatever you choose. The bride in question has made a great choice in husband, too..
1st off he is NTA. 2nd even though the vintage outfit is from a time frame where women was suppose to be seen and not heard it also was a time that women started fighting and standing their grounds for their rights. To connect outfits with historical events is crazy and wrong. If we all did that then clothing styles wouldn't be making come backs. I wore a 1950's wedding dress for my wedding no one in my family thought any less of me. As a future husband you have every right to set your mother straight. What you need to do is get historical articles of women fighting for equality at the time frame showing her it isn't as bad as what she thinks. That there are alot of strong women from back then and she needs to stop.
When you choose to marry someone you are choosing to love and protect them. OP is absolutely right to stand up to his mother. My husband and I had to do the same thing with his mother before our wedding. She wanted to be apart of every aspect of the planning and I didn’t even know what I wanted so it was hard to include her. She had Boarderline personality disorder, amping other things. You have to put boundaries on your parents. God says a man is ti leave his parents and cling to his wife. His mother absolutely hated this and even questioned our church as to what they were teaching because she felt my husband’s first obligation was to always help her. I basically had to write her a 5 page letter letting her know we still loved her, but things will be different once we get married. We’d love to continue to include her in our lives if she can basically behave herself and honor and respect our vows. If she couldn’t then she was uninvited to our wedding. It’s your day not hers!!
Someone asked me years ago, why the MIL joke is always about the wife's mother. My sister and I relied almost in synch, "There's nothing funny about the relationship between you and your husband's mother." My MIL seemed to spend her life trying the bring me up to be a mindless twit like she was.
As someone whose in-laws never liked me (cause I wasn't a proper Catholic girl) it is nice to know that there are men out there who stand up to their parents for insulting their partner. My ex-husband NEVER defended me, and ultimately it contributed to the divorce.
WE NEED A PHOTO AND AN UPDATE....not even mother of the bride shd act like that. A sign if things to come....
For the MIL, this is about more than just the dress. It can be that she's afraid of losing her position in her son's life. Or, she's not crazy about her DIL for whatever reason, and knows she's powerless to do anything about it. Complaining about the dress is acting out. Of course she shouldn't be allowed to get away with this, any more than you'd let your two year old get away with it.
She will be the MIL from HELL, the true personality comes out when she showed her true colors. If he doesn't set her straight, I can promise him this, she will make you and your fiancé live in pure misery. This woman wants to run the show and her son has the right idea. Make sure she follows his rules. She has made her bed, let her lie in it. Its none of her business how they will have their wedding. Good for him for sticking up for his future bride.
I mean he's right, it's just another clothing style. Fashion does come and go and OPs mom should just shove it.
Vintage did leave more to the imagination, today's styles can be closer to what brides wore on their wedding nights, if you get my drift. Some grooms would like their new wife to keep a few 'goods' covered than 'show-off' what he's getting. Classy goes better as time has shown.
It seems obvious to me that the MIL must be controlling and a bit jealous. She's using the feminist angle as a cover. Kudos to her son for siding with his soon-to-be bride.
NTA. I commend you, the groom, for standing up for your fiancée. It's Your and your.fiancee's special once-in-a-lifetime day; Not mom's; she already had hers! Mom should keep her opinions to herself.. Suggestions are one thing but she was overbearing, wrong and way out of line. It would be nice, however, if you, fiancée and your mom could smooth things over when you and mom have settled down, and try to make peace between all of you. You need to make her understand your boundaries and Adhere to them Now if she expects to be welcome in Your home and be a part of your lives from here on. Good luck and Congratulations!
This woman was a jerk. What future MIL brings another dress to a woman without her even seeing it. Then when she gets shut down( way to go OP... Always always stand up for your woman. You are gonna make an amazing hubby) she goes and cries to everyone bc she didn't get her way. What is she is high school? What a narcissist. Like come on. My MIL is amazing and I love her so much. She would never do anything that low, disgusting,and foul to me ever. Op needs to go NC until she apologizes to both Op and fiancee. She also needs to stop saying that his fiancee is in favor or woman slavery. She is telling fiancee what dress to wear. That's the kind crap men used to do so what makes her behavior any different. It's not her wedding. Again... It's not her wedding. Did she have people telling her what dress to wear. I am guessing not. What a jerk this woman is. Definitely not the jerk OP. Your mother is and again.. way to go for sticking up for your future wife.
Simply put, I think your mother is really upset that she's losing her son. Think about it.That might be where her misplaced anger is coming from.
For many people who dress vintage, or even second-hand, thrift store modern, wearing used clothes isn't just about working conditions of clothes factory workers, although that's part of it. It's about the environment. It's about keeping clothes out of landfills and to prevent pollution caused by manufacturing clothes.
I think OP needs to find out what happened to his mom back in those "good times".
Mom is the ass! Her reasoning is ridiculous! But like with most of these stories I want to see the dress!!
Bride choose dress she like, obviously it's anti-feminist behaviour. This mother has big issues.
A designer friend of mine uses the phrase "Vintage Vibes, NOT Vintage Values" and I love that! Wearing vintage clothes and enjoying vintage fashion in no way means you want to go back to those times.
So human beings are the crown of creation?......Wait.......damn autocorrect. We are the CLOWNS of creation!
Sounds like the mother has spent far too much time on Twitter and they need to stage an intervention. I can't tell you how many intelligent people I've watched devolve into reactionary chimps after doomscrolling on Twitter. It also enhances narcissism which is another problem with the mother. Why do parents, particularly mothers, feel they are so entitled to everyone else's lives? The purveying theme of these stories is the mother or mother in law acting terribly. Just because someone likes vintage clothing doesn't mean they are in favor of going back to the dark ages in terms of rights and freedoms. It just means they like the clothing and perhaps enjoy the simplicity of those times in terms of not having a bunch of electrical nonsense, not being as crowded as it is now or any number of reasons outside of human rights. The mother just overstepped her boundaries because she felt entitled simply because she's "Mom", which some women take to mean God Over All and it isn't.
Definitely NTA!! Clothing has nothing to do with feminism, attitude does. His mother is the A--hole.
Respecting future MILs is valid and should be out of love yes. But in this case, it's the bride who's going to wear the dress. Not the future MIL. It's not MIL's wedding. If bride had chosen black, then MIL objecting to it is valid. But that's not the issue here. Ultimately, it should be the decision of the people who are getting married.
Load More Replies...She said she doesnt want to cause trouble. Most likely meaning she's ignoring his mother for his sake rather than her own. If his mother acts like this now, who knows what she'll say and do at the wedding. He knows his own mother better than his fiance does so I think he made the right call.
Load More Replies...Pity the poor girl that chooses your son. Mothers of sons need to learn to bow out gracefully. You are no longer no1 woman in his life when he meets his life partner and expecting to be is sick and deluded. BTW mothers don’t own their children and have no special rights to carry on like jerks without consequences. Blood doesn’t give you the right to act how you want. So yes you are what you stated above
Load More Replies...This one kills me. So many modern wedding dresses are made in sweatshops, with awful working conditions for little pay, almost exclusively by women. If you have the budget, you can avoid this, but it seems to me a modern dress is more potentially concerning from a feminist pov?
YES!!! Thank you!!!! I wish I could upvote your comment a million times. Modern fashion is far worse on the world’s women than vintage fashion. At least a vintage dress wouldn’t require several women paid slave wages to work 15 hour days to make the dress. If MIL is so concerned with the dress saying fiancée wants women to go back to being slaves, she should consider the working conditions of modern sweatshop employees.
Load More Replies...The mother is just seeking attention and wanting her own way, if she had any actual thoughts about feminism or women's rights, she would not be trying to police what other woman can or cannot choose to wear. No apology needed, she was out of line and deserved to be kicked out the house. I would leave what happens next to the fiance, and just support however she wants it handled. Could be that the fiance genuinely (and correctly) does not care what his mother thinks or says and just wants to get on with her wedding. If she is confident in her own style, and dresses differently on a daily basis, likely she has heard it all before.
Yes she is just using it as an excuse to bully her DIL i am sure
Load More Replies...Why would you assume someone is anti-feminist based on their vintage clothing? That's ridiculous.
Yeah, I don't get it either... surely feminism is about equity of choice and options between genders... not freeing yourself from men telling you what you can and can't wear only to then be a slave to other women telling you what you can and can't wear?
Load More Replies...I think this man is wonderful for sticking up for his fiance. And his fiance is wonderful for saying don't sour your relationship with your mother over a dress. This couple knows what love is all about. Best wishes for a very happy and long marriage.
Sounds like the mom is confused about just WHO is getting married. After a cooling off period, reinvite her with the stipulation she only show support for the bride and groom and keep her criticisms to herself. This is important because when one shows unforgiveness for (hopefully) once in a lifetime events there is no way to make this up later. If the son is not willing to disown his mom forever, he should exercise forgiveness with conditions for future behavior.
The mother doesn't like the bride, she is throwing a huge fit because she is searching for a reason to be nasty towards her. The clothing is just her chosen avenue of attack. I bet she had really convinced herself of the BS she is spilling. If it weren't the clothes, it would be something else. She has a fundamental issue with the bride and no dress is going to change that.
So refreshing to read one of these where the man actually stands up for his partner.
It's you and your fiancee's big day and whatever makes her feel the best is the smartest choice. Besides, as a huge Downton Abbey fan I think period dress design would make a real statement about your soon-to-be wife's personality. Go for it.
In the historical fashion world we have a saying called “vintage aesthetic, not vintage values”. Meaning, although we do not agree with the treatment of women, people of color, disabled people, and queer people, we still love the styles. I mostly dress in Edwardian, 1920s, and 1960s/70s fashion and do frequently get hit on by older men who think my vintage style implies I would like to live back in that time. I definitely don’t, because my transgender wife and I wouldn’t be able to be married & have a home and children together. But it is unfortunately a common response to my clothing, often accompanied by gross, negative comments about women today. DIL did nothing wrong, MIL needs to offer a sincere apology and listen quietly while DIL explains she absolutely doesn’t want to revert back to pre-first wave feminism and just loves the vintage aesthetic (and she can explain the environmental benefits of dressing vintage and how it doesn’t exploit the world’s poorest women).
As part of his heart-to-heart with Mumsie, he should make it clear: "I will always love you, but you must understand something. I made a promise that I'll always be in her corner. The answer to "If we were both drowning and you can only save one of us, who would you try to save first?" will ALWAYS be her. Even if it's our own child asking. The same rubric applies to the dress, and any decisions we make as a couple.
Um, if your child is drowning you should always choose your child.
Load More Replies...You should always back your wife but I hope you can reconcile (not back down) before the wedding so she can be a part of it. It's awful to have huge family drama at your wedding and no doubt this is going to cause issues with the rest of your family as well. your wife doesn't seem to want a drama stricken wedding. I think she and mom need to have a chat about their perspectives on the world to get rid of any misconceptions
You can appreciate the beautiful lines of a piece of clothing without wanting to make us live in that time. I love vintage clothing from a handful of past decades, but I sure as s**t prefer to live in the here and now. I know enough about history to know the “good old days” were definitely not good for everybody—-meaning minorities and women. F**k no, I don’t want to tune the clock back like all the knuckledraggers want, and howl like monkeys when the rest of us tell them to go f**k themselves. But I do like a lot of the clothes from back in the day.
I've got to hand it to this guy. Way to have your SO's back! As for the whole feminism thing the mom is touting... the whole white wedding dress is a throw back to a time when women were chattel, so maybe she'd prefer for her to dress like a cowboy or astronaut for the wedding. A coworker had a sort of similar issue, she wanted to wear a blush pink gown. Her mother had an absolute fit, and my colleague caved and wore white. I personally think weddings are more trouble (and money) than they're worth, but if you are going to have one, at least have the wedding YOU want, not the one someone else wants.
White wedding dresses became fashionable because it was what Queen Victoria chose. In her day she was as much of a fashion icon as any of the big names today. Over time white became traditional. The 'virginal white' part also got added later... brides used to marry in any colour. In fact it isn't that old a tradition really.
Load More Replies...Had the same issue over my engagement ring. My fiance had talked to my mom about getting together with her to go ring shopping. But then there was some new information revealed that completely changed what I wanted as a ring. What I was originally thinking is no longer what I wanted - I just wanted a simple, from the heart (his. - not hers! Is it such a befuddling concept that I I want the ring to be given to me and picked out for me by my husband and not my mom?), and my fiance totally nailed it. When we called the share the good news that we were engaged she got so Furious that my fiance had proposed the idea of involving her in the ring picking process but in the end eventually just did it himself. She didn't even sound happy when I told her I was engaged. She was miffed because *she* wasn't included. Definite narcissism iand borderline nonsense. Hey parents? Stop making it about yourself - you already had your wedding and this one's not about you.
I had to tell my father he couldn't come since I had several siblings/friends and my fiancee who were very uncomfortable around him from past trauma. My mother was againt us getting married, but she changed her mind when she saw my dress and I let her come. Parents don't have a right to their children's weddings in the US, so being bad to the couple getting married is not acceptable and should not be rewarded with attendence.
The MIL clearly doesn't understand what the women were like at the turn of the 20th century. Yes, it was a very sexist society but from the mid 1800s on women were at the forefront of every important social movement (and often getting beaten and jailed for it). Ending child labor and sweat shops, advancing universal suffrage, workers' unions, temperance, civil rights, abolitionism, and anti-war movements were not always started by them but they certainly did not shy away from the struggle. Those women were tough.
The OP's fiance should just wear the dress she wants, the dress of her dreams. It's really not any of the MIL's business. Maybe they could not include her in any of the wedding decisions if she is going to behave so immaturely. Is it my imagination or why do many similar stories end with the MIL crying and then calling everyone they know about what happened so then everyone calls the OP to b----h about issues they only know half of?
She should be proud her son is marrying a woman with her own style and mind of her own. Sheesh. Just makes feminists look bad.
Does this woman even know when the suffrage movement took place in history? Does she realize that women who fought for and won the right for her to vote wore Edwardian clothing???
I call this the plastic woke syndrome. They think they're on some divine quest to save the world and shine their light on the ignorant. All that despite never truly understanding or thinking things through themselves. Not so different from the plethora of "holy" literature thumping, pious fundamentalists, telling everyone and their cats they're all going to hell.
NTA. Your mom is a full-blown karen at best and a narcissist at worst. Unless mom is PAYING for the wedding, mom doesn't get a fracking say in ANYTHING. Parents need to learn when to let go. Usually it should be when your kids turn 18.
Feminism comes down to choice. Women deserve the right to choose for themselves. For a personal example, my hubby is more extroverted then me (like x1000) so I often let him take the lead in conversing with people… some people may think, ooo submissive wife. Nope just would rather be anywhere but there, no offense. I’m perfectly fine with taking the lead occasionally with important matters. I’m also way more to the point then he is and my come off as rude.
I for one think there is more to the mom's issue. I think the couple need to sit down with the whole family and talk it out. Specifically get to the bottom of the whole issue. They are the ones getting married. So they have every right to choose what they want. The fiancee needs to speak up and say what she feels she needs to with his support. He needs to keep supporting her. His mom should be proud for her son sticking up for his bride to be. Not all guys will especially against their own mom.
I would be very curious to know how long the relationship had been before the proposal, and what type of relationship the fiancée and possibly future MIL had until that point. Reacting SO strongly to a dress seems misplaced anger. Does the POSSIBLY future MIL not like the woman who is "stealing HER son", Is the possibly future MIL a control freak which OP indicates may be the case? It is completely up to the bride to be whether she wants to try and salvage the relationship, if so, she and the possibly future MIL need to go off by themselves to have a VERY serious conversation. Are there any other DIL's around and what is their relationship with this MIL? Will the couple live anywhere near the possibly future MIL so they will always be in each other's orbit? Is the couple prepared that others may decline to attend the possible wedding because they side with the possibly future MIL? Kudos to OP for being strong and I hope his fiancée thinks long and hard about walking down the aisle!
I'm somewhat confused. An Edwardian style dress would be floor length with lots of frills. Isn't that the same as a modern wedding dress?
This is not so much about your fiance's creative way of dressing as it is about the mama needing to recognize that you are no longer her little boy. You are not an extension of her anymore and she has to cut the umbilical cord. There's a reason why the sons and daughters leave their parents in cleave to their spouse. You guys are going to be creating your own family. It's time for your mom to let go of being the boss and recognize it's your wife's turn and your turn to make the rules for your family. She is now extended family. If you don't set these boundaries now you will be constantly bombarded with your mom trying to tell you how to live. You may still have to set boundaries throughout the rest of your life but hopefully it will get easier. Please speak with your fiance regarding the need for these boundaries. I know she doesn't want to be at odds with your mother. You have to be the one that's in the middle that's representing your fiance's interests.
Your response to your mother is absolutely correct and I am so pleased that you are in full support of your fiancée’s choice and right to select her own style. Try speaking with your mother again to see if you can bring her around in a calm manner. If your mother will not see the error of her actions then she unfortunately will have to miss out on your special day. Congratulations and Best wishes to you and your bride.
This has got me pondering now! A wedding dress, especially a traditional one from any era, is kind of anti feminist when I actually think about it.It’s often long and uncomfortable, with corsetry and hidden padding to accentuate the feminine form. It is often white, to represent purity and innocence, indicating that the wearer is virginal. One could argue that these things are for the benefit of the patriarchy and the “male gaze.” In marriage, again traditionally, the bride is given by her father to her husband at the altar. Losing her father’s name and taking her husband’s. The suffrage movement was in full swing by the Edwardian era, it’s as good a time as any to choose a wedding gown from!
Yes, all of that bar the white = purity virginal thing. Brides being virginal was a factor long before white dresses became the tradition. Queen Victoria made them fashionable when she chose to wear a white dress but before that brides wore coloured dresses. Then the trend stuck, that is all. The purity and white is an obvious link to make, but it came after the fact.
Load More Replies...'Twas the Edwardian Suffrage movement which eventually gave women the vote. Hardly anti-feminist!
The irony is that her "feminist" MIL is trying to control the freedom of choice of another adult woman's clothing. Not very feminist, really.
YOU, Sir, Are a SUPERSTAR!!!! Please raise children as wonderful as the both of you are!! Congratulations!!!
Where would his mother even get the idea liking vintage clothes means being anti-feminist? When I was getting married, my then fiancé and I agreed on not letting his mother get involved too much in wedding dress and ring choices. Unfortunately, she can be manipulative and will throw a hissy fit if she doesn't get her way.
This is insane. My daughter is getting married next weekend, so this really hit home. Bride and groom have the say-so…it’s THEIR wedding. MIL, nicely state your opinion, then STFU and back off. Not your day! (Can you imagine how this woman will act when OP and wife have kids? 😳
In what world does a so-called "feminist” believe she should be allowed to police what another woman chooses to wear? That sounds very ANTI-feminist to me. I love vintage fashion. AND I ALSO believe in equal treatment, equal pay for equivalent work, and bodily autonomy. I have no desire to live in the 40's, 50's, or 60's, but I would still love to dress 👗 that way.
Married at the age of 49 (the right man came along at last) I had very little money, due to having been off work ill for just over a year, so made my wedding ensemble. It was totally Edwardian, right down to the lace-edged parasol and my husband loved it. BTW - I'm not just a life-long feminist; at one stage I actually headed up the oldest and most prestigious feminist organisation in the UK. A dress is a dress, and you have to feel great in whatever you choose. The bride in question has made a great choice in husband, too..
1st off he is NTA. 2nd even though the vintage outfit is from a time frame where women was suppose to be seen and not heard it also was a time that women started fighting and standing their grounds for their rights. To connect outfits with historical events is crazy and wrong. If we all did that then clothing styles wouldn't be making come backs. I wore a 1950's wedding dress for my wedding no one in my family thought any less of me. As a future husband you have every right to set your mother straight. What you need to do is get historical articles of women fighting for equality at the time frame showing her it isn't as bad as what she thinks. That there are alot of strong women from back then and she needs to stop.
When you choose to marry someone you are choosing to love and protect them. OP is absolutely right to stand up to his mother. My husband and I had to do the same thing with his mother before our wedding. She wanted to be apart of every aspect of the planning and I didn’t even know what I wanted so it was hard to include her. She had Boarderline personality disorder, amping other things. You have to put boundaries on your parents. God says a man is ti leave his parents and cling to his wife. His mother absolutely hated this and even questioned our church as to what they were teaching because she felt my husband’s first obligation was to always help her. I basically had to write her a 5 page letter letting her know we still loved her, but things will be different once we get married. We’d love to continue to include her in our lives if she can basically behave herself and honor and respect our vows. If she couldn’t then she was uninvited to our wedding. It’s your day not hers!!
Someone asked me years ago, why the MIL joke is always about the wife's mother. My sister and I relied almost in synch, "There's nothing funny about the relationship between you and your husband's mother." My MIL seemed to spend her life trying the bring me up to be a mindless twit like she was.
As someone whose in-laws never liked me (cause I wasn't a proper Catholic girl) it is nice to know that there are men out there who stand up to their parents for insulting their partner. My ex-husband NEVER defended me, and ultimately it contributed to the divorce.
WE NEED A PHOTO AND AN UPDATE....not even mother of the bride shd act like that. A sign if things to come....
For the MIL, this is about more than just the dress. It can be that she's afraid of losing her position in her son's life. Or, she's not crazy about her DIL for whatever reason, and knows she's powerless to do anything about it. Complaining about the dress is acting out. Of course she shouldn't be allowed to get away with this, any more than you'd let your two year old get away with it.
She will be the MIL from HELL, the true personality comes out when she showed her true colors. If he doesn't set her straight, I can promise him this, she will make you and your fiancé live in pure misery. This woman wants to run the show and her son has the right idea. Make sure she follows his rules. She has made her bed, let her lie in it. Its none of her business how they will have their wedding. Good for him for sticking up for his future bride.
I mean he's right, it's just another clothing style. Fashion does come and go and OPs mom should just shove it.
Vintage did leave more to the imagination, today's styles can be closer to what brides wore on their wedding nights, if you get my drift. Some grooms would like their new wife to keep a few 'goods' covered than 'show-off' what he's getting. Classy goes better as time has shown.
It seems obvious to me that the MIL must be controlling and a bit jealous. She's using the feminist angle as a cover. Kudos to her son for siding with his soon-to-be bride.
NTA. I commend you, the groom, for standing up for your fiancée. It's Your and your.fiancee's special once-in-a-lifetime day; Not mom's; she already had hers! Mom should keep her opinions to herself.. Suggestions are one thing but she was overbearing, wrong and way out of line. It would be nice, however, if you, fiancée and your mom could smooth things over when you and mom have settled down, and try to make peace between all of you. You need to make her understand your boundaries and Adhere to them Now if she expects to be welcome in Your home and be a part of your lives from here on. Good luck and Congratulations!
This woman was a jerk. What future MIL brings another dress to a woman without her even seeing it. Then when she gets shut down( way to go OP... Always always stand up for your woman. You are gonna make an amazing hubby) she goes and cries to everyone bc she didn't get her way. What is she is high school? What a narcissist. Like come on. My MIL is amazing and I love her so much. She would never do anything that low, disgusting,and foul to me ever. Op needs to go NC until she apologizes to both Op and fiancee. She also needs to stop saying that his fiancee is in favor or woman slavery. She is telling fiancee what dress to wear. That's the kind crap men used to do so what makes her behavior any different. It's not her wedding. Again... It's not her wedding. Did she have people telling her what dress to wear. I am guessing not. What a jerk this woman is. Definitely not the jerk OP. Your mother is and again.. way to go for sticking up for your future wife.
Simply put, I think your mother is really upset that she's losing her son. Think about it.That might be where her misplaced anger is coming from.
For many people who dress vintage, or even second-hand, thrift store modern, wearing used clothes isn't just about working conditions of clothes factory workers, although that's part of it. It's about the environment. It's about keeping clothes out of landfills and to prevent pollution caused by manufacturing clothes.
I think OP needs to find out what happened to his mom back in those "good times".
Mom is the ass! Her reasoning is ridiculous! But like with most of these stories I want to see the dress!!
Bride choose dress she like, obviously it's anti-feminist behaviour. This mother has big issues.
A designer friend of mine uses the phrase "Vintage Vibes, NOT Vintage Values" and I love that! Wearing vintage clothes and enjoying vintage fashion in no way means you want to go back to those times.
So human beings are the crown of creation?......Wait.......damn autocorrect. We are the CLOWNS of creation!
Sounds like the mother has spent far too much time on Twitter and they need to stage an intervention. I can't tell you how many intelligent people I've watched devolve into reactionary chimps after doomscrolling on Twitter. It also enhances narcissism which is another problem with the mother. Why do parents, particularly mothers, feel they are so entitled to everyone else's lives? The purveying theme of these stories is the mother or mother in law acting terribly. Just because someone likes vintage clothing doesn't mean they are in favor of going back to the dark ages in terms of rights and freedoms. It just means they like the clothing and perhaps enjoy the simplicity of those times in terms of not having a bunch of electrical nonsense, not being as crowded as it is now or any number of reasons outside of human rights. The mother just overstepped her boundaries because she felt entitled simply because she's "Mom", which some women take to mean God Over All and it isn't.
Definitely NTA!! Clothing has nothing to do with feminism, attitude does. His mother is the A--hole.
Respecting future MILs is valid and should be out of love yes. But in this case, it's the bride who's going to wear the dress. Not the future MIL. It's not MIL's wedding. If bride had chosen black, then MIL objecting to it is valid. But that's not the issue here. Ultimately, it should be the decision of the people who are getting married.
Load More Replies...She said she doesnt want to cause trouble. Most likely meaning she's ignoring his mother for his sake rather than her own. If his mother acts like this now, who knows what she'll say and do at the wedding. He knows his own mother better than his fiance does so I think he made the right call.
Load More Replies...Pity the poor girl that chooses your son. Mothers of sons need to learn to bow out gracefully. You are no longer no1 woman in his life when he meets his life partner and expecting to be is sick and deluded. BTW mothers don’t own their children and have no special rights to carry on like jerks without consequences. Blood doesn’t give you the right to act how you want. So yes you are what you stated above
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