Wife Asks Her Husband To Turn Down “Dream Job” For The Sake Of Her Career, Or She’ll Divorce Him
It’s quite a challenge to maintain a happy relationship with someone or even create a family and to have a full-on career. Having it all is not always easy, but for most of us, the help from our friends and family help us to keep moving on. But what to do if one day your significant other decides that their career is more important than your relationship?
This situation occurred to one Reddit user who asked whether she did the right thing by asking her husband not to go for this job opportunity because it would put her whole career at risk. The woman was very stingy with details about what she does and where but it only makes it sound more serious about how important her work is.
More Info: Reddit
Dream jobs are important, but this woman wants to know if they are more important than family
Image credits: kate hiscock
The main concern in this situation was focused on her husband who decided to go work for a company that is her workplace competitor. Since the user works with sensitive information, she knows that if her workplace does a background check on her and finds out that her husband works at that certain company, it would be the end of her career. Of course, she explained the situation to her husband and asked him not even apply, but he did exactly the opposite of what was asked and of course, was offered the position.
Woman who has a successful carrier wants to know if she’s being right for not letting her husband to take his “Dream Job” because it may sabotage her career
Image credits: u/ThrowRa67129ka90ma
Even before the situation escalated to him almost accepting the job, the wife already warned the husband that in case he agrees with taking the job, they will have to have a divorce, as she cannot risk losing her whole career when he can simply work for some other company. The husband didn’t understand this at all and called her selfish and carrying only about the money. He got into her head so bad that she asked people on Reddit to help her understand whether she really did a horrible thing by raising an ultimatum to her husband: either he accepts this job and loses her or shuts down the proposal and stays in the marriage.
Image credits: u/ThrowRa67129ka90ma
The story got 35.3k points and 5.9k comments saying that she is being right for standing up for herself and something she was working on her whole life. One of the users brought up an interesting point about how the company that was about to hire her husband actually wants him just because of her being in a valuable position at her workplace.
Image credits: u/ThrowRa67129ka90ma
No doubt that there are very different ways on how people manage to combine their family life with work in this sense. Some couples are happy to work together in the same field, some manage to be together not only as a family but as work partners too. I guess we can only be glad for those who manage to stay together through it all. But what is the right thing to do when family interests separate from your work goals?
If you have any thoughts on how to work these kinds of situations in a less painful way, share your ideas in the comments!
Reddit users sharing their thoughts on the matter and it ‘s not something the husband would want to hear
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I was ready to take husband's side when I read the headline...but the wife actually has very good reason for her "demands". It's amazing that her company will help her with her legal fees. The husband calls her heartless and selfish, but it is actually him that is......in my opinion at least
Upvote ! One thing these headlines have taught me is to read the article. Never thought myself to be a quick judger but oh boy I am. The lady was right to be upset, and if the guy's reaction as portrayed accurately, she made the only correct choice
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I'm not sure what dukethedog said as he's already deleted it, but good on both of you for admitting your comments were rash/hostile and disagreeing politely. :)
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True, it makes her come off as shallow and selfish. It's a lot more complex than that.
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He knew exactly that going behind his wife's back was not correct and did it anyway. Whether you have to get divorced because of something like that depends on the people involved, but a breach of trust like that would be hard to repair anyway. It is not wrong to invest in oneself in a marriage, but him being willing to f*** up his marriage over a job shows that the woman is better off without him anyway.
And he snuck behind her back, even when she told him exactly how it would torpedo her entire career. Yuck.
not only her career but their collective income. his income from a job he didn't actually have would not be enough
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I get he's probably emasculated by her having the breadwinning role, but sabotaging her is in no way acting out of love. He needs to work with her, not against her.
If you're right, this is an idiotic, passive-aggressive, shitty way to deal with his feelings.
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NTA at all! Women have been secondary to men in their careers for SO long, it’s really heartless of him to do that to her! And also? Am I the only one wondering what she does? 🤫
I am! I was thinking, "What's if she's CIA and the KGB wants him?!"
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He's complaining that she is prioritizing her career over their relationship, what does he think he is doing, and he doesn't even have the job. If this is how he treats her she is better off without him. If it is not this situation it will be something worse in the future qnd by that point they could be 8n deeper, with children involved. Get out NOW!
I feel like this is a conversation they needed to have earlier. Like, for him to get the offer, he applied. In a situation like this there should have been a "no no" list of places to apply, given her job. I feel like this is a combination of many things at once. I'm not disagreeing with her in anyway, I know what it's like to work in a very specialized field, but I feel like this just took a really bad turn, you know. She isn't wrong, he didn't want to meet her halfway...it's a lot of factors at play.
Regardless... he's a jerk. IMO, he's intentionally trying to get her to stop working. Either by forcing her to quit or getting her fired. Considering her other conditions, this would make her utterly dependent on him.
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Is this normal? When I was changing jobs my husband and I sat down and had a big, long chat about who got priority (we work in same organisation, and while previously his job was more important, now mine is), who needs to take time off to look after our kid, we ask before we go away... teamwork makes the dream work right???
He couldn’t possibly love her. That’s what’s sad. It isn’t that he misses out on the job or that she left. It’s that there’s no way he could love her if he would do this to her. He put her in the worst position she’ll probably ever be in for her entire life. Her own husband did that. Relationships are so hard sometimes.
I would never apply for or accept a role for any position that would put my partners established job and career at risk. He knew what was at stake. He knew the awful position it would put his wife in and he did it anyway. He has made it very clear that his ego, or power trip or whatever the hell this behaviour is, is more important to him than her. NTA. Ditch the husband keep the job.
There’s no winners though the offer of her company paying all divorce legal fees does seem specious at best. Regardless, NTA because imo, once married, these decisions become a collective decision where all factors, not just one person’s happiness is taken into consideration. That’s what being partners means. Feels like there’s more issues to the marriage since he was willing to go behind her back on such a big decision.
At first I thought the wife was at fault, but after reading the story I do think that the husband should have done something different
Her husband knew exactly what he was doing. He deliberately applied to the job, maybe he was head-hunted. This is so passive aggressive and beyond selfish. It is obvious that he no longer cares about her or their marriage except for the advantage it gives him in his new job.
In MHO he's a total c@nt for doing this to you you have supported him during this pandemic while he was unemployed or taking a career brake and then he goes and dose this if that doesn't ring alarm bells I don't know what will he did this not you he knew where you were employed and the trouble it would cause I hope he enjoys staying in a hotel all the more power to you don't live your life for others live it for yourself I wish luck with your new life
Anyone betraying me like that I would kick out so fast, pain wouldn't even register on their ass until they were passing through the next state. What a douche bag.
NTA. She already had this job. He quit before corona. He got an offer from the competition of her company. He knows it will cause her to loose her job. He accuses her of being selfish and that she loves money more than him. But... it is exactly the other way around. He can get tons of jobs. If he deliberately accepts the offer, knowing it will cost her job, than HE is the selfisch narcissistic prick. She is right to set her boundaries. If he accepts the offer, and doing it behind her back, than he has shown her what kind of man he is. And she is damn right to leave him.
I think she's a narc agent and he's just fulfilled his dream of getting onto the coke peddling ladder
How about you get off social media and communicate face to face with the actual human that you took marriage vows with? Or is this a popular answer wins kind of thing?
Have you read the article? They have talked about it on numerous occasions. All she is doing is asking for advice how to proceed but in truth she doesn't need to because this marriage is over. He chose a job over the marriage.
Load More Replies... The conflict of interest/type of job is actually irrelevant; doing ANYTHING this major behind a spouse's back is a dealbreaker.
No. I respect her point of view that this is a very important issue for her. But it would be the same if it was the other way around. IMO, if marriage is considered a "mutual promise for the rest of life" .... in fact it isn't in most cases. If those two people are divorcing eventually in the future, what's left then is their individual career when ways part. I wouldn't recommend a woman to withdraw from her life plans in consideration of her marriage, but some women do (and also men do this sometimes). Finally it's his personal decision. He could also decide to withdraw from taking this opportunity since (I guess) she is earning way more than $65k. But the decision is up to him as well as the decision is up to her to end the marriage because of this issue.
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I'd be willing to bet this wasn't the only problem with their marriage, either. My ex got a job, we moved across the country. He quit six months later and then accepted a job offer across the country again. He expected me to just quit my job and move with him. Again. Back to my first point, though-- this is A reason he's an ex, not THE reason. The husband sounds like an entitled a**e who isn't willing to compromise and blames her for anything he has to sacrifice in order to make the relationship work.
If her company is willing to fund her divorce over this, he needs to take a step back! He is the one being selfish, if he would jeopardize everything they have for his weird masculine sensitivities. And she may be better without him if he is that toxic. Plus he went behind her back, already proving he isn't beyond sabotaging her further!
Wow, this is a sucky situation, but if it ends her relationship with him, at least it has an upside- if he's willing to violate the boundaries she set and go behind her back like this, I think she's better off without him. On another note, I really want to know what kind of job she has .
I see her very valid point. I just think it's a shame that careers could break up a marriage, though I suspect the husband has some hidden agenda. Maybe he wanted to be the one in control of the finances; maybe he secretly wanted a divorce, but used the situation to get it, instead of just coming right out and saying so. Lots of layers here. Ironically, as companies go, they could both end up unemployed.
I would say she is right....no doubt he needs to be working for his own sense of self worth but if she lost her job over his?...the marriage would crumble anyway....sad ,very sad but she has to move on....right choice.
Incompatible dreams/goals will wreck any marriage. it wasn't okay of him to force a fait accompli, and it wasn't fair of her to make this all-or-nothing. I think a lot of resentment under the surface. ...
Actually, I don't see that she has any choice but to make this all-or-nothing, and say that they can't stay married if she takes the job. What else can she do, resign and resent him for forcing her out of her dream job for the rest of her life? The marriage is over that way as well! No, either he's a complete idiot who thinks that married women's jobs don't matter somehow, or he's decided that getting a job is more important than a marriage. The latter is about a billion times more likely, and either way means the marriage is already beyond salvation.
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I'm on the fence on this one. On one side, this is the husband's dream job. From what I read, it pays well, and he seems pretty stoked about it. While the wife did seem selfish at first, I understand her point of view as well as his. She set boundaries and explained why, and he stepped over them behind her back.
Where was it written this was the husband's "dream job". Pays well? It isn't enough to support them both. She would have to start from the beginning in a new field... if she could. Sounds like she might be in a position where her employer could get her blackballed her from any job.
Load More Replies... This to me is just another reason not to bind ties in such an outdated and pointless tradition, which really if we're being honest most the time is the woman's 'dream day' like half of marriages end in divorce anyway so it's no surprise it's happening. Anyway the story here is that the guy should have listened to his partner before he went ahead and did this behind her back, she's working a specific job that would be impacted upon by his actions of choosing the particular job he's going for, wouldn't do that to my partner and I hope she wouldn't do it to me either, if he wanted it that and knew it would ruin his relationship then he should have broke it off with her first if he thought it was more important than their relationship
It sounds like this is a marriage of convenience and not love. I know that sounds harsh but I would always choose my wife even if she makes some dumb mistakes. Her job is her priority and not her husband.
I'm a little dubious about this whole story. It's a bit of a red flag to me that she claims her job is so highly secret and sensitive, yet she's posting about it on an internet site. Even if she's doing so anonymously, it feels a bit unprofessional. Also, I work in an industry where we have tight information security, and I've never heard of someone being fired because of who their spouse is. There might be extra security measures in place for that person, though. Like not allowing her to take work home, or requiring certain monitoring software on her work computer. She mentions the $65K salary as if she doesn't think that's very much, so I wonder if part of it is simply that she would be embarrassed for word to get around in her circle that her husband has a lower-level job making less money than her. The story just feels like maybe some details were left out.
Given that he has a wide variety of areas in which he can work and she only has this one, he was in the wrong to go behind her back and apply for this job. She told him that if he went for this job, it could get her fired and he didn't care, so this is the best recourse. It's not her fault that he chose to quit his job before the pandemic.
Unless she finds him an alternative job, he has every right to accept this job. Deactivate your social medias... LinkedIn and all that... and let him advance. Unless you open your mouth, nobody will know. I know this because my parents worked for rival companies in Denver for almost 30 years. Nobody had a clue because they were professionals. Sounds like this woman either cant keep her mouth shut or the husband cant. Thats the real issue.
I thought I’d take the husband’s side when I read the headline, but the wife actually has very good reasons for not wanting him to have this job.
Can't they both just sign non disclosure agreements at their respective companies?
He's of the opinion that she's choosing her career over their marriage, but by forcing this and pursuing the job offer, he's making the choice of career over marriage. I know it stings when one partner out earns the other, but there also has to be a level of pragmatism in the relationship that can only happen when both parties have their feet on the ground and are being real. NTA.
I'm withholding judgement. The information about the fields is too generic. Is his dream job a company that is difficult to get in to? Is her job really that exclusive, or is she actually high enough that the company gives a crap about what she knows? Without knowing more I could really side with either person
the field doesn't matter... she got the job first, it's reasonable to keep it if she's the one making better money, there is no reason she should sacrifice her career just because she's a woman... if it was the other way around he would demand the same
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In this case, I support her decision. This is not about trust, this has become a "power" issue. He knows that this is important and he knows that she has been involved/working for this company for years. I imagine he has always felt second. In this case she is doing the only thing possible because he has now made it "personal" aka "if you loved me you would not object." Her response is "you know that this is my career and it has always been like this, you can find another job path/career path, you can go back to school, you have a possible future, this is the future for me and always has been." In addition if his "company" is in direct competition with hers, I bet that is why they hired him.
At first I was like, "How can she ask him to give up his dream job?" The explanation is understandable. He's willing to put your household finances in jeopardy for his dream job? That's an AH. Now there is one other solution I'm not sure if it would fix things...my cousin and her husband have different households. They do it because it's less pressure on the two of them than it would be if they were under the same roof. Would your company be OK with that kind of arrangement?
After 22 years of marriage I can honestly say that everything is a compromise and that's how it should be. He started as the breadwinner but now my career is better than his and I'm the higher earner. We both have trust and respect for each other. When I was going through a rough time at work, he offered to work harder if I needed to quit. And when he was furloughed, I put in the hours and supported him. Sounds like her husband just wants to reverse the roles and doesn't appreciate being told what he can and can't do. But there's no compromise being offered here on his part. Sadly without communication, compromise, trust and respect, this couple lack the building blocks for a successful marriage. Sad though that is.
You took the words out of my mouth. My husband started out as the breadwinner. Then he went to college and I stepped up to be the breadwinner. Now he has an amazing job that is making more money than I could ever hope to make. His job takes him out of town a lot so I stepped back to take care of our two young children more. It was never a question for me to step back for the sake of our family. We have always had the respect to talk to each other and figure out what would be best for our family. Part of that respect is putting our family as a whole first and not ourselves as individuals. I couldn't imagine going behind my husband's back after he expressed why a job wouldn't work out and I don't think he could go behind my back either.
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Something seems off. She seem like a cutthroat corporate stooge. The analogy painting her in a good light is a big tip off. She probably works at a job with no morals.
its his dream job, why should he give it up just because "she had it first"?, for all we know his dream job could've been difficult to get hold of and for her to say he could just work a different type of job is suggesting that she expects him to be unhappy in a workplace just to satisfy her? especially if this is something that hes always wanted to do,
Even if he hadn't taken the job and stopped before the interview the marriage was over. Think of the resentment he'd have had towards her for having to give up his "dream job" in the first place. This isn't something he'd have been able to forget about. It was always going to be there brewing under the surface. This was how their life worked out. She loves him but that doesn't mean their marriage was going to last forever or even meant to be. This was a lose-lose going into it. She's definitely NTA. I'm not saying he isn't an AH, but if you think about it without emotion they were divorcing over this job eventually.
Who would want to work for a dictatorial adversarial orgastun such as that the wife is employed by? Not me for sure!!! Also the husband has his rights and life too. So much for "Richer or poorer, better or worse"! She is selfsh IMO and I side with the husband!
She did nothing wrong IMO. She let him decide. He decided wrong and acted really dishonorably too. NTA, period. I would've done exactly the same.
Of course all the commenters take her side as it is the only side presented. We're not getting the whole story here.
Has she approached her employer and asked them if there is anything that could make the situation work - I didn't get a sense of that in the narrative? I know she said that she spoke to them about him having applied for the role, but just missed that nuance of detail. If she has approached them in that context and they said no, this conversation should be a no brainer. But asking him to give up his pursuit of what she described as "his dream job" if this is based on what "could" happen seems potentially a little premature.
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I think it's obvious that she's actually M and her husband was offered a job by SMERSH (a portmanteau of the Russian Smyert Shpionam - Смерть Шпионам - which means "Death to Spies")
The husband is the twat in this scenario, without question and it seems to me that she will in fact be better off without him. I hope she goes on to find a good, supportive mate who will respect her, because this man quite obviously doesn't deserve her.
In my opinion; the wife is right. She has a good paying job that feeds and clothes and shelters them both. He wanted a job that would not support them and would probably get her fired. The OBVIOUS choice is to find a new job for hubby and/or divorce him.
I agree with the redditor that wondered if the company would keep him if his wife left him. Given the circumstances, it does sound like the competitor may have hired him for his wife’s trade secrets.
Seems very messed up that she instantly wants a divorce if he takes the job. That shows that he means nothing to her at all, so he might as well take the job and move on and find someone that actually cares for him as much as themselves.
I believe that neither of them were at fault. The husband had to think about his own career and his future. He can't just sit by while his wife does all the work. He needs a job, too, and continue to gain work experience and develop skills. He did not do anything wrong by taking this job. Sure, it cost their relationship, but I can't blame him for choosing his career over her. She was selfish to make these demands on him and threat him with a divorce. No one has the authority to take someone else's free will. You. Are. Not. Supposed. To. Control. Your. Spouse. Respect your spouse's needs and wishes. Don't force your spouse to wear this, eat that, do this, listen to that, and whatnot. If you don't like it, then don't marry him/her. That is my two cents.
Yes, he needs a job, both for his personal happiness and for the sake of his future career... but if he wants a job that would actively hurt his wife's interests then he's shown he's totally okay with hurting his wife to advance his own interests. That's never okay. He is choosing his career over his marriage, and there's no way the relationship can be saved.
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"Even if I trusted him..." That sounds like a warning bell for the whole marriage, regardless of their jobs!
Soooo I gave up a career for family, your husband can do that same thing. Besides, the reason they hired him is because of you - I am sure they know exactly who you are.
He's better off without her, she can marry her company she loves it far more than him. Count himself lucky she can have her money and job and think warm thoughts to herself once teh company turns her out to save money becuase I assure you they will eventually.
she is trying to dictate what jobbs he can get, and she never even consider the husbands feelings or his live into something...you could argue than he should leave her...she is not the only one in the partnership, but she automatically decided that her career was more important. he went for a jobb that could endanger her career and against her wishes...is really obvious than both are putting their careers above of the relationship. is a no brainer...divorce win-win
I know you'll all down vote this but the husband is right. It's just a job, that should NEVER come before your marriage. I'd rather live on the street and still be married.
What the hell is wrong with all you people thinking it's normal to pick a job over your spouse? A job is just a job, it's not your life, it's just somewhere you go to do duties to get paid, nothing more. And as soon as they have any difficulty at all they'll drop you without a second thought, they have no loyalty to you. If any of you are prioritizing your job over your family, you'll end up without either, and you'll deserve it.
She handled this terribly, but he didn’t do perfectly either. Threatening divorce because of this situation is ridiculous. People just don’t take marriage seriously anymore. Marriage takes precedence over career. PERIOD.
Really! I guess their marriage will put food on their table.
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I have a proposal; instead of hearing just one side of the story, both sides may write an essay of 500-1000 words and THEN we decide who is the asshole.
That was the only real way, the way she put it, you wouldn’t want celebrity secretaries and then news operators in the same house, or even married.
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It’s probably bigger than software development... 😉
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What are you even talking about trumper? You people make no sense bc you're in a cult thats as specialized as it comes
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The job is only being offered to one of them. Also, some companies have rules against hiring couples. She makes a lot more money than 65k, so she's not willing to start over in another field. Plus there's no guarantee that he'll keep the job he wants (what if he gets fired or laid off?), whereas she's had her job for quite a while and can support both of them.
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I was ready to take husband's side when I read the headline...but the wife actually has very good reason for her "demands". It's amazing that her company will help her with her legal fees. The husband calls her heartless and selfish, but it is actually him that is......in my opinion at least
Upvote ! One thing these headlines have taught me is to read the article. Never thought myself to be a quick judger but oh boy I am. The lady was right to be upset, and if the guy's reaction as portrayed accurately, she made the only correct choice
Load More Replies... I'm not sure what dukethedog said as he's already deleted it, but good on both of you for admitting your comments were rash/hostile and disagreeing politely. :)
Load More Replies... True, it makes her come off as shallow and selfish. It's a lot more complex than that.
Load More Replies... He knew exactly that going behind his wife's back was not correct and did it anyway. Whether you have to get divorced because of something like that depends on the people involved, but a breach of trust like that would be hard to repair anyway. It is not wrong to invest in oneself in a marriage, but him being willing to f*** up his marriage over a job shows that the woman is better off without him anyway.
And he snuck behind her back, even when she told him exactly how it would torpedo her entire career. Yuck.
not only her career but their collective income. his income from a job he didn't actually have would not be enough
Load More Replies... I get he's probably emasculated by her having the breadwinning role, but sabotaging her is in no way acting out of love. He needs to work with her, not against her.
If you're right, this is an idiotic, passive-aggressive, shitty way to deal with his feelings.
Load More Replies... NTA at all! Women have been secondary to men in their careers for SO long, it’s really heartless of him to do that to her! And also? Am I the only one wondering what she does? 🤫
I am! I was thinking, "What's if she's CIA and the KGB wants him?!"
Load More Replies... He's complaining that she is prioritizing her career over their relationship, what does he think he is doing, and he doesn't even have the job. If this is how he treats her she is better off without him. If it is not this situation it will be something worse in the future qnd by that point they could be 8n deeper, with children involved. Get out NOW!
I feel like this is a conversation they needed to have earlier. Like, for him to get the offer, he applied. In a situation like this there should have been a "no no" list of places to apply, given her job. I feel like this is a combination of many things at once. I'm not disagreeing with her in anyway, I know what it's like to work in a very specialized field, but I feel like this just took a really bad turn, you know. She isn't wrong, he didn't want to meet her halfway...it's a lot of factors at play.
Regardless... he's a jerk. IMO, he's intentionally trying to get her to stop working. Either by forcing her to quit or getting her fired. Considering her other conditions, this would make her utterly dependent on him.
Load More Replies... Is this normal? When I was changing jobs my husband and I sat down and had a big, long chat about who got priority (we work in same organisation, and while previously his job was more important, now mine is), who needs to take time off to look after our kid, we ask before we go away... teamwork makes the dream work right???
He couldn’t possibly love her. That’s what’s sad. It isn’t that he misses out on the job or that she left. It’s that there’s no way he could love her if he would do this to her. He put her in the worst position she’ll probably ever be in for her entire life. Her own husband did that. Relationships are so hard sometimes.
I would never apply for or accept a role for any position that would put my partners established job and career at risk. He knew what was at stake. He knew the awful position it would put his wife in and he did it anyway. He has made it very clear that his ego, or power trip or whatever the hell this behaviour is, is more important to him than her. NTA. Ditch the husband keep the job.
There’s no winners though the offer of her company paying all divorce legal fees does seem specious at best. Regardless, NTA because imo, once married, these decisions become a collective decision where all factors, not just one person’s happiness is taken into consideration. That’s what being partners means. Feels like there’s more issues to the marriage since he was willing to go behind her back on such a big decision.
At first I thought the wife was at fault, but after reading the story I do think that the husband should have done something different
Her husband knew exactly what he was doing. He deliberately applied to the job, maybe he was head-hunted. This is so passive aggressive and beyond selfish. It is obvious that he no longer cares about her or their marriage except for the advantage it gives him in his new job.
In MHO he's a total c@nt for doing this to you you have supported him during this pandemic while he was unemployed or taking a career brake and then he goes and dose this if that doesn't ring alarm bells I don't know what will he did this not you he knew where you were employed and the trouble it would cause I hope he enjoys staying in a hotel all the more power to you don't live your life for others live it for yourself I wish luck with your new life
Anyone betraying me like that I would kick out so fast, pain wouldn't even register on their ass until they were passing through the next state. What a douche bag.
NTA. She already had this job. He quit before corona. He got an offer from the competition of her company. He knows it will cause her to loose her job. He accuses her of being selfish and that she loves money more than him. But... it is exactly the other way around. He can get tons of jobs. If he deliberately accepts the offer, knowing it will cost her job, than HE is the selfisch narcissistic prick. She is right to set her boundaries. If he accepts the offer, and doing it behind her back, than he has shown her what kind of man he is. And she is damn right to leave him.
I think she's a narc agent and he's just fulfilled his dream of getting onto the coke peddling ladder
How about you get off social media and communicate face to face with the actual human that you took marriage vows with? Or is this a popular answer wins kind of thing?
Have you read the article? They have talked about it on numerous occasions. All she is doing is asking for advice how to proceed but in truth she doesn't need to because this marriage is over. He chose a job over the marriage.
Load More Replies... The conflict of interest/type of job is actually irrelevant; doing ANYTHING this major behind a spouse's back is a dealbreaker.
No. I respect her point of view that this is a very important issue for her. But it would be the same if it was the other way around. IMO, if marriage is considered a "mutual promise for the rest of life" .... in fact it isn't in most cases. If those two people are divorcing eventually in the future, what's left then is their individual career when ways part. I wouldn't recommend a woman to withdraw from her life plans in consideration of her marriage, but some women do (and also men do this sometimes). Finally it's his personal decision. He could also decide to withdraw from taking this opportunity since (I guess) she is earning way more than $65k. But the decision is up to him as well as the decision is up to her to end the marriage because of this issue.
Load More Replies... I'd be willing to bet this wasn't the only problem with their marriage, either. My ex got a job, we moved across the country. He quit six months later and then accepted a job offer across the country again. He expected me to just quit my job and move with him. Again. Back to my first point, though-- this is A reason he's an ex, not THE reason. The husband sounds like an entitled a**e who isn't willing to compromise and blames her for anything he has to sacrifice in order to make the relationship work.
If her company is willing to fund her divorce over this, he needs to take a step back! He is the one being selfish, if he would jeopardize everything they have for his weird masculine sensitivities. And she may be better without him if he is that toxic. Plus he went behind her back, already proving he isn't beyond sabotaging her further!
Wow, this is a sucky situation, but if it ends her relationship with him, at least it has an upside- if he's willing to violate the boundaries she set and go behind her back like this, I think she's better off without him. On another note, I really want to know what kind of job she has .
I see her very valid point. I just think it's a shame that careers could break up a marriage, though I suspect the husband has some hidden agenda. Maybe he wanted to be the one in control of the finances; maybe he secretly wanted a divorce, but used the situation to get it, instead of just coming right out and saying so. Lots of layers here. Ironically, as companies go, they could both end up unemployed.
I would say she is right....no doubt he needs to be working for his own sense of self worth but if she lost her job over his?...the marriage would crumble anyway....sad ,very sad but she has to move on....right choice.
Incompatible dreams/goals will wreck any marriage. it wasn't okay of him to force a fait accompli, and it wasn't fair of her to make this all-or-nothing. I think a lot of resentment under the surface. ...
Actually, I don't see that she has any choice but to make this all-or-nothing, and say that they can't stay married if she takes the job. What else can she do, resign and resent him for forcing her out of her dream job for the rest of her life? The marriage is over that way as well! No, either he's a complete idiot who thinks that married women's jobs don't matter somehow, or he's decided that getting a job is more important than a marriage. The latter is about a billion times more likely, and either way means the marriage is already beyond salvation.
Load More Replies... I'm on the fence on this one. On one side, this is the husband's dream job. From what I read, it pays well, and he seems pretty stoked about it. While the wife did seem selfish at first, I understand her point of view as well as his. She set boundaries and explained why, and he stepped over them behind her back.
Where was it written this was the husband's "dream job". Pays well? It isn't enough to support them both. She would have to start from the beginning in a new field... if she could. Sounds like she might be in a position where her employer could get her blackballed her from any job.
Load More Replies... This to me is just another reason not to bind ties in such an outdated and pointless tradition, which really if we're being honest most the time is the woman's 'dream day' like half of marriages end in divorce anyway so it's no surprise it's happening. Anyway the story here is that the guy should have listened to his partner before he went ahead and did this behind her back, she's working a specific job that would be impacted upon by his actions of choosing the particular job he's going for, wouldn't do that to my partner and I hope she wouldn't do it to me either, if he wanted it that and knew it would ruin his relationship then he should have broke it off with her first if he thought it was more important than their relationship
It sounds like this is a marriage of convenience and not love. I know that sounds harsh but I would always choose my wife even if she makes some dumb mistakes. Her job is her priority and not her husband.
I'm a little dubious about this whole story. It's a bit of a red flag to me that she claims her job is so highly secret and sensitive, yet she's posting about it on an internet site. Even if she's doing so anonymously, it feels a bit unprofessional. Also, I work in an industry where we have tight information security, and I've never heard of someone being fired because of who their spouse is. There might be extra security measures in place for that person, though. Like not allowing her to take work home, or requiring certain monitoring software on her work computer. She mentions the $65K salary as if she doesn't think that's very much, so I wonder if part of it is simply that she would be embarrassed for word to get around in her circle that her husband has a lower-level job making less money than her. The story just feels like maybe some details were left out.
Given that he has a wide variety of areas in which he can work and she only has this one, he was in the wrong to go behind her back and apply for this job. She told him that if he went for this job, it could get her fired and he didn't care, so this is the best recourse. It's not her fault that he chose to quit his job before the pandemic.
Unless she finds him an alternative job, he has every right to accept this job. Deactivate your social medias... LinkedIn and all that... and let him advance. Unless you open your mouth, nobody will know. I know this because my parents worked for rival companies in Denver for almost 30 years. Nobody had a clue because they were professionals. Sounds like this woman either cant keep her mouth shut or the husband cant. Thats the real issue.
I thought I’d take the husband’s side when I read the headline, but the wife actually has very good reasons for not wanting him to have this job.
Can't they both just sign non disclosure agreements at their respective companies?
He's of the opinion that she's choosing her career over their marriage, but by forcing this and pursuing the job offer, he's making the choice of career over marriage. I know it stings when one partner out earns the other, but there also has to be a level of pragmatism in the relationship that can only happen when both parties have their feet on the ground and are being real. NTA.
I'm withholding judgement. The information about the fields is too generic. Is his dream job a company that is difficult to get in to? Is her job really that exclusive, or is she actually high enough that the company gives a crap about what she knows? Without knowing more I could really side with either person
the field doesn't matter... she got the job first, it's reasonable to keep it if she's the one making better money, there is no reason she should sacrifice her career just because she's a woman... if it was the other way around he would demand the same
Load More Replies... In this case, I support her decision. This is not about trust, this has become a "power" issue. He knows that this is important and he knows that she has been involved/working for this company for years. I imagine he has always felt second. In this case she is doing the only thing possible because he has now made it "personal" aka "if you loved me you would not object." Her response is "you know that this is my career and it has always been like this, you can find another job path/career path, you can go back to school, you have a possible future, this is the future for me and always has been." In addition if his "company" is in direct competition with hers, I bet that is why they hired him.
At first I was like, "How can she ask him to give up his dream job?" The explanation is understandable. He's willing to put your household finances in jeopardy for his dream job? That's an AH. Now there is one other solution I'm not sure if it would fix things...my cousin and her husband have different households. They do it because it's less pressure on the two of them than it would be if they were under the same roof. Would your company be OK with that kind of arrangement?
After 22 years of marriage I can honestly say that everything is a compromise and that's how it should be. He started as the breadwinner but now my career is better than his and I'm the higher earner. We both have trust and respect for each other. When I was going through a rough time at work, he offered to work harder if I needed to quit. And when he was furloughed, I put in the hours and supported him. Sounds like her husband just wants to reverse the roles and doesn't appreciate being told what he can and can't do. But there's no compromise being offered here on his part. Sadly without communication, compromise, trust and respect, this couple lack the building blocks for a successful marriage. Sad though that is.
You took the words out of my mouth. My husband started out as the breadwinner. Then he went to college and I stepped up to be the breadwinner. Now he has an amazing job that is making more money than I could ever hope to make. His job takes him out of town a lot so I stepped back to take care of our two young children more. It was never a question for me to step back for the sake of our family. We have always had the respect to talk to each other and figure out what would be best for our family. Part of that respect is putting our family as a whole first and not ourselves as individuals. I couldn't imagine going behind my husband's back after he expressed why a job wouldn't work out and I don't think he could go behind my back either.
Load More Replies... Something seems off. She seem like a cutthroat corporate stooge. The analogy painting her in a good light is a big tip off. She probably works at a job with no morals.
its his dream job, why should he give it up just because "she had it first"?, for all we know his dream job could've been difficult to get hold of and for her to say he could just work a different type of job is suggesting that she expects him to be unhappy in a workplace just to satisfy her? especially if this is something that hes always wanted to do,
Even if he hadn't taken the job and stopped before the interview the marriage was over. Think of the resentment he'd have had towards her for having to give up his "dream job" in the first place. This isn't something he'd have been able to forget about. It was always going to be there brewing under the surface. This was how their life worked out. She loves him but that doesn't mean their marriage was going to last forever or even meant to be. This was a lose-lose going into it. She's definitely NTA. I'm not saying he isn't an AH, but if you think about it without emotion they were divorcing over this job eventually.
Who would want to work for a dictatorial adversarial orgastun such as that the wife is employed by? Not me for sure!!! Also the husband has his rights and life too. So much for "Richer or poorer, better or worse"! She is selfsh IMO and I side with the husband!
She did nothing wrong IMO. She let him decide. He decided wrong and acted really dishonorably too. NTA, period. I would've done exactly the same.
Of course all the commenters take her side as it is the only side presented. We're not getting the whole story here.
Has she approached her employer and asked them if there is anything that could make the situation work - I didn't get a sense of that in the narrative? I know she said that she spoke to them about him having applied for the role, but just missed that nuance of detail. If she has approached them in that context and they said no, this conversation should be a no brainer. But asking him to give up his pursuit of what she described as "his dream job" if this is based on what "could" happen seems potentially a little premature.
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I think it's obvious that she's actually M and her husband was offered a job by SMERSH (a portmanteau of the Russian Smyert Shpionam - Смерть Шпионам - which means "Death to Spies")
The husband is the twat in this scenario, without question and it seems to me that she will in fact be better off without him. I hope she goes on to find a good, supportive mate who will respect her, because this man quite obviously doesn't deserve her.
In my opinion; the wife is right. She has a good paying job that feeds and clothes and shelters them both. He wanted a job that would not support them and would probably get her fired. The OBVIOUS choice is to find a new job for hubby and/or divorce him.
I agree with the redditor that wondered if the company would keep him if his wife left him. Given the circumstances, it does sound like the competitor may have hired him for his wife’s trade secrets.
Seems very messed up that she instantly wants a divorce if he takes the job. That shows that he means nothing to her at all, so he might as well take the job and move on and find someone that actually cares for him as much as themselves.
I believe that neither of them were at fault. The husband had to think about his own career and his future. He can't just sit by while his wife does all the work. He needs a job, too, and continue to gain work experience and develop skills. He did not do anything wrong by taking this job. Sure, it cost their relationship, but I can't blame him for choosing his career over her. She was selfish to make these demands on him and threat him with a divorce. No one has the authority to take someone else's free will. You. Are. Not. Supposed. To. Control. Your. Spouse. Respect your spouse's needs and wishes. Don't force your spouse to wear this, eat that, do this, listen to that, and whatnot. If you don't like it, then don't marry him/her. That is my two cents.
Yes, he needs a job, both for his personal happiness and for the sake of his future career... but if he wants a job that would actively hurt his wife's interests then he's shown he's totally okay with hurting his wife to advance his own interests. That's never okay. He is choosing his career over his marriage, and there's no way the relationship can be saved.
Load More Replies... "Even if I trusted him..." That sounds like a warning bell for the whole marriage, regardless of their jobs!
Soooo I gave up a career for family, your husband can do that same thing. Besides, the reason they hired him is because of you - I am sure they know exactly who you are.
He's better off without her, she can marry her company she loves it far more than him. Count himself lucky she can have her money and job and think warm thoughts to herself once teh company turns her out to save money becuase I assure you they will eventually.
she is trying to dictate what jobbs he can get, and she never even consider the husbands feelings or his live into something...you could argue than he should leave her...she is not the only one in the partnership, but she automatically decided that her career was more important. he went for a jobb that could endanger her career and against her wishes...is really obvious than both are putting their careers above of the relationship. is a no brainer...divorce win-win
I know you'll all down vote this but the husband is right. It's just a job, that should NEVER come before your marriage. I'd rather live on the street and still be married.
What the hell is wrong with all you people thinking it's normal to pick a job over your spouse? A job is just a job, it's not your life, it's just somewhere you go to do duties to get paid, nothing more. And as soon as they have any difficulty at all they'll drop you without a second thought, they have no loyalty to you. If any of you are prioritizing your job over your family, you'll end up without either, and you'll deserve it.
She handled this terribly, but he didn’t do perfectly either. Threatening divorce because of this situation is ridiculous. People just don’t take marriage seriously anymore. Marriage takes precedence over career. PERIOD.
Really! I guess their marriage will put food on their table.
Load More Replies... I have a proposal; instead of hearing just one side of the story, both sides may write an essay of 500-1000 words and THEN we decide who is the asshole.
That was the only real way, the way she put it, you wouldn’t want celebrity secretaries and then news operators in the same house, or even married.
Load More Replies... It’s probably bigger than software development... 😉
Load More Replies... What are you even talking about trumper? You people make no sense bc you're in a cult thats as specialized as it comes
Load More Replies... The job is only being offered to one of them. Also, some companies have rules against hiring couples. She makes a lot more money than 65k, so she's not willing to start over in another field. Plus there's no guarantee that he'll keep the job he wants (what if he gets fired or laid off?), whereas she's had her job for quite a while and can support both of them.
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